True Detective Stories

Thursday afternoon was my first day back on night work. Night work blows because we’re always so busy. The junkies wake up at the crack of noon, and everything goes to hell. We received thirty-one jobs and I had to dispense them over six detectives. One of which, was Diego the Asshole Detective.

*I changed his name for this post, because I hate this piece of shite.

As you all know, Diego is a fat, lazy moron – a title certified by the CDC – who spends his work day watching sports or listening to podcasts. Since he believes he doesn’t actually have to work at, well, work, he pays little to no attention to the jobs he receives.

Diego’s first arrest was for gun possession, which is a tedious, lengthy job which a real detective should handle, but sadly, Fatty McButterpants was next up. Since he was assigned an actual job, I laid off him for a bit so he could get his work done. About an hour later, I walked past his desk and he was watching the Phillies game. My first , and only thought was, “F**k this.”

You see, Diego believed he would not receive any more jobs because the gun job was intricate. Nope. We try not to pile on when someone has a messy incident, but they are still assigned jobs because the violence never stops.

I decided to give Diego a missing person assignment. The woman went missing two weeks ago, and it took them that long to file the report. I placed the report on Diego’s desk, and specifically said, “This woman has been missing for two weeks, and she has dementia. Just so you know.” Diego nodded, and placed the report to the side of his desk.

Eventually, the shift ended and I went home.

Yesterday, this fat f**k waddles into the division and starts whining about the missing person. “No one ever told me they were holding the house! No one told me she had dementia! Waaaa!” I ignored him at first, but a short while later he started with the same shit. “NO ONE TOLD MEEEEE!”

Now me, being me, I decided to call this prick on his lies. “Actually Diego, I specifically told you she had dementia. I also told you they were holding the scene, but the supervisor said we weren’t going out there because she has been missing for two weeks! You remember any of that, or were you too busy watching the Phillies?”

Diego was about to open his mouth when the supervisor walked by. He never stopped, but he replied, “Why would we hold a house for someone who has been missing for two weeks?” Amazingly, Diego stopped whining like a little bitch after that.

1,154 days.

3 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Y’know, one of these days, you’re gonna look back on this and laugh. Not at first & you’ll probably be drunker than Foster Brooks & Dean Martin pretended to be, but you’ll laugh.


  2. MelP – The only saving grace this week is he took off on Sunday. Work is galactically better when this douche is not in the office.

    Doc – Believe me, he is not worth the bullet. He is, however, worth constant ridicule.


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