So the other day we received a stolen gun report. We get a few of them every day, and approximately seventy-five percent of them are either dullards who forgot where they placed their firearm, or people make straw purchases.
Straw purchases are used to describe people who purchase a firearm, then sell said firearm to someone who would never pass a background check, like criminals, illegal immigrants, or Cher.
I was searching for someone who would do a professional, no-nonsense investigation, and while scanning the floor, it hit me. Diego the Idiot Detective!
The reason for this was two-fold. First, it gets this braying jackass out of our hair for at least a half hour, and second, he will surely do something stupid during the interview, showering the rest of with raucous laughter. He did not disappoint…
Diego whines when he gets the assignment, and eventually waddles downstairs to interview the “victim.” The woman, who lives on the other side of the city, claims she was at someone’s house (in our division), stayed overnight, and when she woke up, the firearm was gone. Wow, we never hear stories like that, except every single day!
When we actual detectives heard the story, most of us immediately said, “She sold it,” but Diego was dead set on solving this caper. Diego takes the woman’s statement, obtains the firearm information – make, model, caliber, serial number – and comes back upstairs. The sergeant immediately stops Diego and grills him on his interview.
Diego, being a dullard, takes forever to get to the point, but near the end of the story, the sergeant asks, “Did you take the woman’s gun permit?” (This is policy when someone with a permit to carry has their firearm stolen.) Diego, being a dullard, says, “No.”
Diego replies, “I didn’t because I thought she was a responsible person by putting in into her safe.” The sergeant looked at him, mouth agape, and said, “That’s the policy, Diego.” Diego just shrugged, which made me giggle. After the sarge glared at me, he said, “Is there anything else, Diego?”
Honest to God, Diego replies, “Yeah, the victim said her mother was arrested for straw purchases.”