True Detective Stories

Monday was a banner day for Diego the Idiot Detective, as his two or three neurons were firing less frequently than normal.

Dummy came in late – which is the norm – and spent the first hour watching ESPN to catch up on his NFL scores. About an hour into the shift, I had the absolute pleasure of assigning him to a shooting incident. The police arrived as a call for gunshots, and several spent casings were littered on the ground. No one was struck, but an unoccupied vehicle was shot thirteen times.

The job should have taken fifteen minutes to process. Pick up the shell casings, take a few photos, and boom you’re done. Diego took two and a half hours.

When he returned, naturally the sergeant asked what took him so long. For reasons unknown, this dullard called the owner of the vehicle and had him come out to the scene. The problem there was the man lived on the other side of the city, and it took a good hour for him to arrive.

Hey douchebag, you have officers on the scene. Call the owner, have one cop wait with the vehicle, and get back to work!

When Diego returned to the division, he had to post a white paper. All this dope had to do was enter the control numbers, write up the story, and send it to the sergeant for approval. The problem is Diego is usually watching TV or listening to the radio while he’s writing a white paper, so the errors are frequent.

To give you an idea, Diego got the date wrong, got the location wrong, mixed up the control number, did not enter the name of the victim, did not identify the caliber of the shell casings, and had multiple spelling errors. After the sixth correction, the sergeant yelled for Diego to sit next to him, because he was tired of calling him to the front every two minutes.

This is not a very difficult job. If you have even a modicum of common sense, you could be a superstar in this department. Diego decided to walk a different path.

1,115 days.

10 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. TXNick – Today he received a Must Be Tried court notice for drug possession. No detective ever gets an MBT for simple possession. We’re convinced Diego is calling ADAs and asking them to make all his notices MBT, so he can sit at court all day and do nothing.


  2. Got to admit, Diego has the system down pat. The Lieutenant needs to make him a motivational project. Except I can see whoever gets assigned to him ends up like the Body Builder that Peggy Bundy won. Have another Bon-Bon.

    Does this guy NOT read your blog?


  3. RD – He does not, and I don’t give out the blog address to coworkers. Well, one of them has it, but that’s it. I have another Diego-inspired TDS for Friday morning. He is an overweight library for comedy.


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