True Detective Stories

I. Hate. This. Mother. F**ker.

So Tuesday night was an enthralling experience. Halfway through the tour, the generator crashed, which in turn, crashed all our computers. Those working on assignments had their screens wiped, and the Deskman crashed. Because the captain’s aide was gone for the day, I was unable to enter the rest of the jobs for the tour.

Thanks to our slipshod internet, I had to enter all those jobs Wednesday, in addition to the incoming jobs. I was furious because 1. the captain’s aide still refuses to give me a key to her office – which would allow me to reboot the Deskman – and 2. because I had to play catch-up Wednesday evening.

All of that eventually went by the wayside, after Diego the Idiot Detective decided to start acting like a galactic jackass…

First, a little background information. We have two cleaning people assigned to the division; Carol and Mark. Carol usually takes our floor, and Mark does the police district on the bottom floor. Carol is a saint – nicest person I have ever met – so when we are on night work, we go out of our way to keep things clean.

So I’m sitting at my desk when we hear something big and heavy drop in the kitchen – sadly it was not Diego. Diego starts throwing out some “sentence enhancers” as he’s stomping in the kitchen, and one of the detectives goes in to take a look. Diego had a giant vat of lobster bisque, and dropped it on the kitchen floor. To quote Sean Connery in The Untouchables, “The kitchen smelled like a whorehouse at low tide.”

So Diego is frantically looking for paper towels, and there are none to be had. So dummy decides he would go into Carol’s closet and borrow the mop and bucket. Now since Diego is completely useless, he did one quick sweep with the mop and left it at that. Everyone was gagging from the lobster bisque, and telling Diego he may want to do a better job.

No dice.

So, this fat piece of detritus rolls the mop and bucket back behind my desk, and pushed it into Carol’s closet. He closes the door and starts walking away. Seriously.

Being a Carol fan, I stopped Diego in his sluggish tracks. “Yo, are you seriously going to leave the bisque-covered mop in the bisque-filled bucket? You’re going to leave that for Carol tomorrow?”

Diego looks at me like I have two heads, so I decided to take things into my own hands. “Go away, Diego. I’ll get it.” So I wash the mop and rinse the bucket out a few times, while this fat slug waddles back to his desk. At the same time, one of the other detectives grabs a spray bottle, douses the kitchen floor, and cleans the area better than Diego would have done in a week.

The story gets around the division, and people start walking by to witness Diego’s complete lack of self-awareness. This POS was going to leave a dirty, smelly mop and bucket for Carol to clean on Wednesday morning, while he pretends he had nothing to do with it.

1,093 days.

9 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Question…

    What poor soul had their meal stolen by Diego after his was no longer edible? That would be the “icing on the cake” so to speak.


  2. RD – After he dropped the bowl, there was still some bisque left. He ate that, then continually hit the vending machine because – get this – he was still hungry.

    Also, you’d be surprised how many times coworkers take things from the fridge and just eat or drink it. Salma Hayek brought in a vanilla creamer – a fairly large bottle – and it was empty when she came back from her days off. My squad is considering getting a small fridge for us, with a lock on it.


    1. Back in the day, I found some things missing from my locker. I took a little change – under $1 – and then epoxyed it to the floor so the thief could enjoy finding some change. I came back and it had been chiseled off the concrete floor, leaving small divots where each coin had been. I laughed pretty hard wondering what kind of asshole would go to that kind of trouble for a few cents. Cops are pretty honest, but not in the locker room or fridge.


  3. RG – Wow. We have snack table in a part of the building, and people toss the money into the can. 98% of the people pay, and some of us put in ten bucks and track our purchases. There’s a person in my building who I routinely see walking over, taking something and walking away. Maybe he put in a large bill a day or two before, maybe not. I’m going with the latter.

    I have been taking notes on how often this person does this, because he’s an a-hole, and I’d love to see him get jammed up. (No, it’s not Diego.)


  4. “Halfway through the tour, the generator crashed, which in turn, crashed all our computers.”

    Generators? Is Philadelphia now some third world country where you do not have any reliable utility power? Or is it just the City that cannot manage their own buildings?

    I remember when PECO had a reputation as a reliable, innovative, first class utility. I had a lot of respect for the competence of the PECO executive that came in and managed our Nuclear Division. He also picked a bright young operations manager in our division, and sent him to get a College Degree so he could replace him. But that was 25 years ago.


  5. RD – Yes, and yes.

    We have a backup generator for emergencies, but because the city refuses to upgrade out systems, the generator occasionally goes out, and it takes almost a half hour to get things running again. To give you an idea of the issues in my building, we have two printers. One B/W and one color. The color is always out because the city does not give us color ink for weeks after we request it. Then, when the ink comes, it goes out in two days because the morons here keep printing on the color printer.

    We were supposed to get a new a/c system last year. The city looked at the roof and said it is in terrible shape, and will eventually collapse. We’re still working here. The a/c unit was placed outside, on the sidewalk, and they used ALUMINUM hoses to pump the air onto the second floor. The problem is in summer, the hoses are red hot and push red hot air into the building.

    Believe me, that’s only the beginning. Eventually I’ll do a 50,000 word post about everything wrong with my building, and all the people who died of cancer while working there.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If it wouldn’t bother you or maybe some of the ones you like I would suggest taking some of that leftover bisque putting it in a ziplock bag slightly open and put it in the farthest reaches of Diego’s desk as see how long it would take for him to find the smell.


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