True Detective Stories

So the department’s commanders, in their truly finite wisdom, have decided there are entirely too many shootings and homicides in this city. No kidding?

Before I get to this ridiculous plan, some background. The city has not promoted detectives since 2019, and we are losing detectives every week from retirements, attrition, or outright resignations. My squad should have fifteen detectives, but we’re working with twelve. (Technically, we have eleven, because one detective is on military leave until January.) My squad averages twenty to forty jobs during an eight-hour shift, and we are in the busiest division in the city.

In short, we’re short. Every detective division in the city is in the same predicament.

This is what the commanders drummed up to stop the flow of violence. Detective Headquarters decided they would take detectives from the divisions and send them downtown to police HQ. When a non-fatal shooting occurs, these detectives would have to drive to different parts of the city, handle the shooting, and return to Police HQ to process the paperwork.

This is idiotic for three reasons. First, the divisional detectives are intimately familiar with the divisions where they work. Everyone knows where the hot spots are, and everyone knows who the bad guys are. Now, they’re sending detectives to different parts of the city, where they don’t know the lay of the land.

Second, the divisions are compartmentalized. A shooting comes in, the detective heads to the scene, and comes back to the division. The furthest district is maybe twenty-five minutes away, tops. Now, if you’re at Police HQ and you need to go to Northeast or Southwest Division, you’re looking at maybe an hour, one way.

Finally, this plan will decimate detective divisions. We’re already way too short to handle the insane amount of jobs we receive. Imagine how bad it will be when we lose half our detectives.

This department has made many terrible decisions in my twenty-eight years, but this is by far the dumbest idea they have ever imagined.

1,068 days.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Doesn’t seem very cost effective to me. This is also a time management nightmare and deliberately places their detectives in dangerous situations. What a nightmare!


  2. Glad to see that the Demoncrats are in full on moron mode. Maybe you’ll be lucky and the worst Outlaw in the city will go to the NYPD.


  3. Ronni – The bosses scream at us for not fully investigating crimes, which is hilarious because when we have three detectives working – because manpower is so short – we cannot exactly take hours to work on an incident. We average between twenty and forty crimes in an eight-hour tour, but they want us to work diligently on every case. As if.

    RG – I sincerely hope she gets the job. Her replacement will be just as bad, but Outlaw hid in her office during the 2020 riots. Quite the leader she is.


  4. Reminds me of when I worked at the Welfare Dept. About 15 – 20 years ago, the fiscal division manager called me into his office & said the deputy director of foster care said it was all fiscal’s fault that the payments weren’t getting to the foster parents on a timely basis. He was watching my face pretty closely when he said that to get the full entertainment value. Unfortunately for the dep director, I’d been there long enough to know the entire process, so I told him (from when the report of abuse/neglect comes in all the way up to how the address changeses/holds of the payments happen). When I was done, the blame was actually put onto the social workers. My boss got an evil smile on his face & said he’d go talk with the dep director.

    Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, instead of making the social workers do their jobs on a timely basis, the “solution” they came up with was to move the eligibility workers out to the 5 district offices. Eventually, they realized it still wasn’t working (duh!) & changed the due dates on the payments & then we (meaning fiscal & the eligibility workers) did some internal changes, which made things a lot better.


  5. Wyatt,

    You are missing out on all the Synergism the shooting squad detectives will develop!
    By moving them all downtown, they can work in a team oriented goal driven center of law enforcement excellence.

    (any chance you can get the Captain to send Diego and the Quaker to the team?)


  6. This sounds a little like the 3 Envelopes Story.

    Police Superintendent Outlaw was given 3 numbered envelopes by her predecessor, with the admonition to open them in order whenever she faces a possible career ending incident.

    She opened the first envelope in June 2020 during the disastrous death and disaster of the George Floyd Riots. It said “Blame the racism and sexism of the previous Philadelphia Police Department Leadership.”

    Now with the record setting murder rate, and the first time Philadelphia has ever hit 500 Homicides, her job is again threatened, so she opened the second envelope which stated, “Reorganize the Department and claim it will fight crime and make the city safer.”

    She has one envelope left.


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