True Detective Stories

So let me tell you about my yesterday. Thanks to our POS District Attorney and the weasels he employs, five out of the seven detectives in my squad were called down to court. Naturally, when my squad is called down, we never see them again; they simply sit in court all day and go home early.

So the two detectives – Salma Hayek and Jack Ryan – are on their own for the entire eight-hour tour. Jack starts off with a strongarm robbery, then Salma gets a commercial burglary. Salma parries with a gunpoint robbery, and Jack deflects with an apparent shooting.

In between jobs, the Pennsylvania Crime Information Center (PCIC) called five times in one hour, sending hit confirmations for stolen cars and wanted persons. Sending out a hit confirmation is not difficult, but it is time-consuming. After about five minutes, the jurisdiction which sent the message calls and asks, “Did you send it yet?”

I respond with, “No. We don not have a working teletype because the city will not give us printer ink, I have two detectives in the building today, and you are the third of five confirmations I need to complete. So, it’ll get there when it gets there.”

I hang up on this bitch, because she’s a bitch, and moments later the phone rings. Salma picks up the phone and tells me the bitch wanted to speak to our supervisor. She sent it back, and apparently said I was “unprofessional?” Unprofessional? F**K YOU!

(Hmm, I guess that would have been unprofessional, but I said it in my mind.)

I had finally calmed down around noon, when some brand new jackass cop drops off another robbery report. I look at the time of occurrence, and it read 10:30am. This guy is a true prolapsed a-hole, so I delivered some snark. “Hmm, 10:30? We could have used that report an hour ago.”

Prolapsed a-hole then starts justifying why he brought it in so late in the day… ” “I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust’s. It wasn’t my fault!! I swear to God!!”

When he was done excusing his incompetence, I replied, “With the exception of shootings, robberies are the most important jobs we receive. It’s difficult to locate victims or solve crimes an hour and a half after the report is filed” Prolapsed a-hole starts to say something, and I cut him off.

“Also, there is a directive on the books stating part one crimes need to be delivered IMMEDIATELY.”

1,010 days left. I cannot wait to get out of this place.

13 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Regardless of the stress, we all sure love reading these stories. My leaving police work involved an incident where I did not say “F*ck You” in my mind. It was a little more overt than that about a dozen times in a row, ending with a complaint. Such is life. The guy deserved it. Not to say I’m suggesting you start verbalizing your “F*ck You’s.” Gotta make it to that last day.


  2. Ronni – I’m planning on a TDS for Friday, only because I lost my mind when a moron cop really frakked up.

    RG – I’m staying until the bitter end, getting my DROP money, and looking for a nice place to live. This city is dying, and the politicians are making it happen.


  3. What happens if someone accidentally drops that last toner cartridge down the stairs, like five or six times? “I don’t know boss, it was like that when we came in.”


  4. Until 2 years ago, my missus was the director of a small nursing program at our small community college in semi rural eastern Washington. She announced her intention to slowly retire so the college had ample time to find and train a suitable replacement. because we’re sorta remote, recruiting is always a problem, and that’s true for every position from president of the college right down to instructors. and we sometimes get marginal people, because that’s all there is available. She actually had her program running like a top, with 100% pass rate on the nursing licensure exam year in and year out. A much better result than the large, better funded university programs.
    But her college does not allow the person being replaced to have any participation, or even knowledge the person being hired to replace them. And so, one day, she is greeted by a woman from the south east who has never ben a director, or even a nursing instructor and who, to say the least, has NO idea how to teach. And she is asked to train her up.
    A year and a half later, several things become clear. Her replacement can’t function in the job at even a minimal level. She refuses to communicate with the faculty, or students about anything. It also emerges that her license is in jeopardy for substance abuse and mental health issues, all of which she disclosed before she was hired, so they can’t can her for fear of an ADA lawsuit. My missus sleeps about three hours a night. We feel your pain..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Digger – When I retire, I told the family I wanted something peaceful. Overnight supermarket stocker, warehouse worker, something where I don’t have to work with people. I do have a few friends here and there who said to call then when I get close, you know, for a real job, but this job makes you start hating humans.

    Every day we see nothing but violence; homicides, robberies, carjackings. Eventually it takes a terrible mental toll. A friend of mine was talking to his doctor, and he had L.E. experience. The doctor said to him, “You know why they let you retire after twenty years?” Because law enforcement adds 12-15 years to your life.” Apparently a study looked at this and it’s true.

    So congratulations, I’m now a 64-67 year old man.


    1. I did it long enough to learn some useful things, that really made me a better doc. But, I worked in a really toxic dept, with terrible leadership. I got shot in the line of duty, and they made it very clear they didn’t want me coming back. But, I needed to go back, and prove to myself that it wasn’t gonna screw with my head. And I did, but they made me miserable everyday until I finally resigned. I do have some PTTSD, but it’s really from how I was treated by my bosses after the shooting rather than the shooting itself, and hell, I’ve had it 40+ years and it’s familiar now, like an old sweater. Thankfully, I married very well, and she helped pick myself up and move forward.. But medicine is not really a picnic either. I owed a bunch of loans and they influenced my practice decisions a lot more than they should have. And people lie to their docs, just like they lie to cops. and really, even more stupid lies than cops put up with. I’m pretty tired of most of the human race, but I still like looking at hot hicks. Just don’t want to hear them talking.. And they all want to talk…


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