True Detective Stories

Editor’s Note: This is going to be one giant bitch-fest, so feel free to ignore this post.

Every time we change shifts, my fellow detectives do their level best to shove a nightstick into my rectum. When I walked into the division, I knew there was going to be a pile of unassigned jobs for me to enter, and boy was I not kidding. There were forty unassigned cases in the queue, and of those forty, nineteen were from our squad.

Worse still, the dates were all over the place. The earliest job was from January 31st, and the latest was February 4th. When someone works the desk, the entire queue appears on the screen, so these dolts know when one of our jobs are on the list, and yet they do nothing.

Since I walked in twenty minutes early, I started printing and assigning the jobs. From beginning to end, it took me three and a half hours. After that, I was able to enter the current jobs, which were also piling up…

Oh, did I mention we only had three detectives Saturday night? The Red Menace was t-boned – and not in a sexy way – so she wasn’t coming in, Captain America was on military leave, so that left me with Salma Hayek (very good), the Little Burrito (pretty good), and Diego the Idiot Detective.

In the first hour, we had to respond to a shooting incident (shots fired, no one hit), a church burglary, a home invasion, and a carjacking. The cops were calling asking where the detectives were, and all I could answer was, “We have four major incidents, and three detectives. Do the math.”

From what I’m hearing, there are supposed to be detective promotions before the summer, but I am also hearing the class will be very light. If the division gets more than five, we’ll be very lucky. I’ve said this multiple times, but this police department is dying. Young cops are quitting to go work for a suburban department, others are simply retiring, and the rest of us just want to get through the day without saying, “I’ve had enough.”

I don’t plan on leaving early, but man It’ll be great when I do.

999 days.

15 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I was underappreciated on a job where I had worked for 11 & a half years. I was hired away from that company by one of my customers. On my exit interview, the guy that corporate sent down to do the paperwork ( I was doing half the department manager’s work… he had left a year earlier & was not replaced, so I couldn’t do my own exit interrogation) asked me “What could the XYZ Widget Company do to retain you as an employee?”

    My reply was, “Give me a 33% salary increase.”

    He came back with, “You know we can’t do that.”

    And my retort was, “The other company did.”

    Congrats going into triple digits. The last two weeks will be the longest.

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  2. Mike AKA Proof – I ranted to Mrs. Earp last night, and she said the same thing. Effectively, the division will be in flames after I leave here.

    RD – 462 days since I started. A lot of the older supervisors say the first two years are the hardest, then it’s everything goes really fast. November 1 will be two years, so we’ll see how fast it goes after that.

    Cathy – I’m still wondering what I want to do afterward. I definitely want – and need – to work, but I’m not sure what to do.

    TXNick – We have exit interviews here, an they ask you all sorts of questions about the job and the department. I want to be very honest in my interview, but if I am, they’ll revoke my pension after hearing what i have to say. I’ll say everything is Jake, and walk out the door forever.

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  3. Have a plan for what you’re doing after you leave. Stupid as it sounds, you will miss it. The time will hang heavy on you. the mortality rates for cops and docs are very high in the first year and a half..

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  4. Digger – I’ve seen it. It’s always depressing. I hit the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and when it gets warm, I jog a good five miles on non-gym days. I plan on getting a job right after retirement, because I’ll be in my mid-50’s. Just not sure what I want to do yet.

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      1. I’ve been considering writing about my career and all the craziness I have suffered through for nearly 28 years. Was also considering compiling the True Detective Stories into one book. I found out with Only Son that regular Joes really can’t make money writing books, but I’d still like to write a book on my own.

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        1. Depends on why you write. If you have a story to tell, you should tell it. Whatever happens after that is just gravy..
          I write fairly extensively about the opioid epidemic, as a veteran of the first one, in an epicenter for heroin importation, and a guy who ended running a treatment early in my medical career, and then predicted, as hard as I could, the second epidemic back when” pain is the 5th vital sign” started.. I give talks. I was hired by the state of Fl, over their pill mills. I could probably make more doing this stuff than I ever made in medicine, if I weren’t so lazy..but all I started out doing was telling the story..

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  5. Congrats on getting to 3 digits. It’s just another day, but regardless, it’s a great milestone to pass. Think about how close you’ll be when you hit two digits. Hopefully I’m still around to send you a celebratory note of congrats on that milestone. As for your exit interview, no matter how honest you are, nobody cares what you have to say, so it’s really a waste of time to bitch about. Just walk away and smile. You’ll still miss it, but it fades as time moves along. I left police work in September of 1979 and I haven’t thought about missing it for at least a day or two. Write those books! I hope you end up being the next Joseph Wambaugh. He wrote fantastic stories.

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    1. Be “good” Wambaugh, not the bitter drunk who took the money for movie rights and then bitched up and down about the movies, and now writes the same empty crap over and over…For my money, Fred Mckinight was a much better “cop” writer, across a lot more formats, but never got the fame Wambaugh did..According to his missus, he did okay financially, though..

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  6. RG – I’ll miss some of the people, and I still like the job. I just don’t want to do the job in this city. Our feckless FOP lost our fight against forced vaccines, and if officers do not have at least one shot by mid-month, our jackass mayor is considering firing them. We’re already about 2,000 cops short, and this dickhead wants to fire more cops. Brilliant.

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  7. Illinois – I had a few people telling me to contact them when I’m about to retire. Apparently, some businesses are looking for people who spent thirty years in law enforcement. That said, I may just find some nice, quiet place where I don’t have to answer thirty phone calls or deal with people who hate me.

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