True Detective Stories

So Friday was a fairly busy day. We handled twenty-five jobs, and most of them were domestic assaults and frauds. However, Diego the Idiot Detective received a domestic robbery. The victim claimed her boyfriend beat her up, took her iPhone, car keys and her Cadillac; effectively a robbery/carjacking.

The city has been dealing with a carjacking problem since January 1st. The thugs are pointing weapons at drivers, tossing them to the street, and taking the vehicles. Since it’s a serious problem, all carjackings need a White Paper – a synopsis of the incident and the offender’s information, if possible.

When Diego found out he was getting the job, he started to whine like a little bitch; because he is a little (fat) bitch. I told him he got the report because he was the only detective who did not receive a job on Thursday, so he was up first.

About two hours later, he walks up to my desk and claims he was called down to court. I asked him how that was possible, because he had no cases listed Must Be Tried. Also, Diego has been caught numerous times lying about ADAs calling him downtown. He gave me the name of the ADA and the room number, so I said I would notify the supervisor…

When it was time to close up shop, my supervisor asked if there were any White Papers. I said no, because I forgot about Diego’s carjacking. I realized I misspoke and said, “Diego had a carjacking, so that’s the only White Paper today.”

The supervisor looked into the file for WPs, and saw nothing. He looked at the day before, and it wasn’t there, either.


This is a big deal, because the upper-echelon bosses need this information by the end of the work day. If a White Paper is missing, people get into serious trouble. I texted Diego, and asked, “Did you really not do your White Paper???” No response. I called his phone. No response.

The supervisor called Diego. got voice mail. The supervisor texted Diego – twice. No response.

Believe me when I tell you, this piece of shite heard and saw the messages and calls, but he decided he wasn’t going to respond. The supervisor looked at me and said, “We have to take the carjacking out until we can get a White Paper completed.”

So, I had to go through all twenty-five jobs, remove Diego’s assignment, and enter another job in its place. Between trying to get in tough with Diego and readjusting all the jobs, I got out a half hour later than normal, all because of this fat piece of garbage.

This was the final straw, and I am officially done with Diego. I blocked him from my phone, and blocked him from my texts. From here on out, I will do my best to give him jobs that will not require court. It is my mission in life to curb his finances.

He is, for all intents and purposes, an unperson.

16 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. The sad part is the Diegos of the world are becoming the new(ish) norm. People that learned how to bust their a$$es when they were younger are a dying breed.


    1. My youngest works in ag with a crew of three others. Last week, the two deadweights were on vacay, and he and the remaining crew member got more done, faster, than they do when all 4 are there. Deadweights drag everybody down to their level…


    1. Can’t be fired for that. He has to shoot someone without cause or get caught in bed with a dead woman. (It used to include getting caught in bed with a live boy, but times have changed.)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. MelP – The next day the supervisor let him off the hook, because of course he did.

    Ronni – Most of us would have, but it’s not a real department anymore.


  3. In “No Time for Sergeants,” I believe Andy Griffith got put on “PKP.” Permanent Kitchen Police. Come up with a recurring no-brain assignment for the doofus. Make it look like he’s really doing something useful. Make it with a important sounding title. Keep him busy all shift doing it, like polishing doorknobs.


  4. Dumb question, but is there no recourse the supervisor can take on this guy? I would think after continued really shitty behavior, he’d be writing parking tickets somewhere, or at the very least back on the street in the most dangerous place available. But, who am I to understand these things. Hey, I retired from the U.S. Government. You could never ever get rid of buffoons.


  5. RG – It’s nearly impossible to be demoted, if only because we are so shorthanded. Everyone knows he’s a moron, but no one cares. For the most part, he is ignored, because he’s the type of person to walk between two people having a conversation and starting his own conversation.


    1. Sounds like if he met someone who claimed to have “done everything” he would immediately claim he’d done everything twice. I feel your pain.


      1. One of my brothers had a wife like that. He passed away about 8 years ago, I think because he just needed the relief.


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