True Detective Stories

So the summer is approaching which means we are even shorter than we usually are. Tuesday night was a nightmare, as one detective was on military leave, the Red Menace started her summer vacation, and Fat Albert called off sick… again. So my squad consisted of four detectives… well, three.

You see, Diego the Idiot Detective “volunteered” to ride around the city with detectives from another jurisdiction. They needed a Philadelphia search warrant, and this was Diego’s chance to skip out of work.

Our supervisor told Diego to be in at 1pm, so he could get the search warrants done before our tour began. Diego, being the jagoff he is, showed up at 2:30pm. He then spent a half hour talking to these bumpkin detectives before going out on the street. Our tour starts at 3pm, and he walked out of the building at 3:15pm.

In the meantime, we were hit with a robbery, a stolen gun, and a few domestic assaults. All three detectives on the floor were working real, legitimate jobs, while Diego was driving around the city, probably stuffing his gullet with donuts…

The supervisor walks past my desk and asks where Diego is. I tell him I haven’t seen or heard of him since 3:15pm. It was not 6:35pm. The supervisor calls Diego, and asks where he is at the current moment. Diego says he is in the northeast part of the city, and he is starting – STARTING – to serve the search warrants.

The supervisor calls Diego a liar – he was right – and said, “We have actual jobs here, and you need to get back to work.” At this point, I had entered twenty-five jobs in three hours. Most of them were live jobs, so I had to dole them out to the detectives on the floor. Suffice to say, there were not happy.

Diego finally arrived at 7:30pm. He skipped half his tour, and when he returned he claimed he had paperwork to do. I immediately gave him the first job to come through the door.

I am genuinely surprised no one here has punched him in the face yet.

5 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Too bad the boss can’t just fire him outright. I don’t know about Philly, but where I used to work it took an average of 18 months to get rid of someone & even then there had to be a huge stack of paperwork to justify it. Unless someone does something really bad, but even then HR had to do an investigation first.


  2. MelP – He’ll never get fired. He’s completely incompetent, useless, and morbidly obese, so he’ll likely be a supervisor before I retire.


  3. It’s a pity that you can’t get the original Sugar Free Gummy Bears anymore you could have given him a 1 lb bag of those and watched him scarf them down then @ 2 hours later the “fireworks” begin but at that point, I strongly suggest not entering the area of the bathroom he uses but the howls of “distress” should make you fight to keep a straight face and from laughing.


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