True Detective Stories

Oh my, where to begin with the idiocy.

So Friday seemed to be Idiot Day, and Diego the Idiot Detective wasn’t even the building. The first idiot was from the 666th District, and he did not disappoint. At all. In fact, the officer gave me the giggles with his dumbassery.

The officer called the division and said he found an unoccupied car which had blood inside the vehicle. The officer was so excited, you would have thought he found Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse. So the cop tells me about the blood inside the vehicle, and I effectively reply, “And?” The cop pauses, so I continued.

“Are there and bullet holes in the vehicle? Are there any shell casings outside the location, or anyone saying there was a shooting?” All three answers were no. The officer said his lieutenant wanted him to let us know, and I said, “Okay, but without any evidence of a crime, there’s not a lot we can do.” The officer finally relented, and because it was my last day before my days off, I threw this one out there. “Maybe it was a female driver and she was having her period.” The cop at least laughed…

The second idiot – well, idiots – were galactically more entertaining than the first idiot. They were from the slowest district in the city, and their biggest crime is usually a shoplifting case. So when a semi-legitimate jobs comes around, they lose their minds.

The officers respond to a domestic assault, where an aunt punched her niece in the face, causing a small bruise under the eye. As the officers were trying to get the facts of the case, the niece states the aunt was just diagnosed with Covid. The officers immediately run out of the house as if she has Bubonic Plague.

The officers’ supervisor calls the division and asks our sergeant for advice. Dude, if you’re a lieutenant, you should know what to do, but hey, it’s a terrible department.

So the detective calls the officers on scene, and tells them to put the victim on the phone. The detective takes an interview over the phone, and starts the paperwork. About two hours later, the detective finally gets the paperwork. Perturbed, he calls the officers and asks what is going on with the defendant.

The officers say, “She’s in the basement, and no one wants to go inside and arrest her.”


When I was a rookie cop, I saw more than my fair share of horrible unspeakable things. Arriving at a homicide where blood was spouting out of a man’s head, auto accidents that would make you vomit, and suicides no one should ever see. THAT’S. THE. JOB! If you cannot arrest a woman with Covid, you need to find another line of work, because you’re useless otherwise.

Apparently the detective shamed these morons and they finally arrested the offender two and a half hours later. Well done, boys. Here’s a cookie.

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. There’s a district left in Philadelphia where a shoplifting case is a big deal? There used to be a few districts like that in Chicago, but not anymore. (And in California, a shoplifting case wouldn’t be a big deal anywhere, since shoplifting is legal.)
    Some nights I dream I’m in a gigantic insane asylum. Then I wake up and realize that I am.


  2. Old 1811 – We still get the jobs, but they aren’t prosecuted. If you had any idea how much garbage these cops send to us, you’d realize why we cannot actively investigate any of them. A carjacking comes in, and we have to rush through it because three retail thefts of missing person reports come to the division moments later.

    I still get calls from people saying Philly hasn’t defunded the police, yet we’re down 2,500 officers since the Saint George Floyd riots.

    Mike AKA Proof – The woman is from Chicago and she was visiting. She’ll never show up to her court appearance, and our douche DA won’t care.


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