True Detective Stories

In the course of my 333 True Detective Stories, few people have been profiled and reviled more than Diego the Idiot Detective. For good reason.

On Wednesday morning, Diego was bragging that he was getting a search warrant for a man who threatened people with a handgun. Diego made it seem as he was going to kick in the door, alone, grab the offender, and be awarded the Medal of Honor. Diego omitted the fact our SWAT team handles these search warrants, and Diego will be sitting outside the entire time.

Anyway, Diego spent most of his Wednesday preparing the search warrant, and took it down to the magistrate for it to be approved. Diego returns to the division, give it to the supervisor for approval, and when the sergeant looks it over, it’s rife with errors. Many, many errors.

Search warrants are important, and the facts need to be rock solid. It’s also a good idea to type the search warrant – than say, handwrite the warrant – especially if you, like Diego, can barely write in cursive. Some of Diego’s narrative was unreadable, and at best, difficult to follow.

The handwriting was the least of Diego’s problems. To wit…

1. As I mentioned previously, Diego used a pen to handwrite the facts and the narrative, which is always a no-no.
2. Diego wrote the wrong address on the search warrant, which was twenty blocks away from the actual residence.
3. Diego had the magistrate approve a search warrant rife with errors, and wanted to just ignore it.
4. And finally, Diego misspelled his own last name, which he used a pen to turn an “n” into a “m.”

This clown is, by far, the dumbest person I have ever known.


9 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Wrong Address? Shit like this get innocent people killed, including police. Please tell me that this fiasco earned Diego some serious time off?

    The judge that approved it should get unpaid vacay too, but we all know judges think they are Gods Re-Incarnated.

    Maybe you need to fill out an application for Diego for the FBI?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What on earth do you have to do to get fired? Evidently being incompetent isn’t a problem with management only for those working with this train wreck!


  3. RD – As far as I know, Diego has never been disciplined for his treasure trove of F-ups. The bosses just shrug and say, “Well, that’s Diego being an idiot again.” The problem is no one in this department even cares anymore. Morale is the worst I’ve ever seen, we’ve lost about 2,500 officers in the last two years, and we’re so short that people like Diego get legitimate jobs… that he ruins.

    Ronni – We have a detective – I call him Fat Albert – who has crippling diabetes. He went off sick for a few weeks, then when he came back, he said he couldn’t work. The captain gave him a cushy job filing folders, etc., and Fat Albert said, “I didn’t come here to be a secretary.” He actually said that to the captain.

    We’re in the process of getting rid of this slug, but until then, he comes in, watches YouTube all day and gets no jobs. It’s very difficult to get fired in this job, especially if you check the right boxes.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wrong address on a warrant should be a dislipiinary offense at the very least. Like you, I’d rather see him fired. This is by far the worst Diego story ever. As said before, this could get someone killed. What a complete moron squared.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. RG – He had it approved, then had to go back downtown to get it rectified. The only plus side is starting next tour, he’s on vacation for three weeks. When he gets back, I take my two weeks off. So I won’t see this toad for five weeks.

    Mike AKA Proof – There was an episode of Homicide: Life on the Street, where they were serving a warrant at the wrong address, and two detectives got shot. It happens, but it shouldn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. OK having read quite a few of these I just have to ask just how in the hell did he get through the academy?


  7. My new job had a Diego of sorts. Not as dangerous as him, but, probably as stupid. He quit for greener pastures. As much as I disliked the guy– for his stupidity, laziness, and overall attitude– I miss him for the comic relief.

    I don’t think you’d feel the same about Diego.

    I don’t know why I typed this. Probably the vodka.


  8. Gary – No idea. We have it on good authority that he had help in the detective exam. He called all his friends who took it, and those morons gave him tips.

    CJB – Nothing wrong with vodka, my friend. I despise him, because he’s a lazy asshole who asks other detectives to help him on HIS jobs.


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