True Detective Stories

So Saturday was effectively uneventful for a change, and the first few hours were rather peaceful. We were catching up on jobs and watching college football for the first half of the tour.

Then this dude walked into the office.

One of the brand new – read: dumb – female officer brings up a carjacking report. I read the report over and ask, “Officer, and I reading this right? This guy was carjacked Friday night at 11pm and he didn’t make a police report until nineteen hours later?”


“Does that raise any red flags for you? If you were carjacked, would you go home for almost an entire day before making a report?”

The female cop just looked at me like I have two heads. “Fine, we’ll take care of it, but not making a report immediately usually means he is lying, or he’s involved in something else.”

I enter the job, and give it to one of my detectives. As he is getting the interview ready, I decide to go out in the hallway and ask the “victim” a few questions. For instance: “Sir, I have a question, because jobs like this always intrigue me. You got carjacked at 11pm Friday night. Why did you wait nineteen hours to make a police report?”

The victim claims, “Well, you know, it was dark out, and I didn’t think you guys would be open that late.”

“Sir, we’re a big-city police department. We literally never close. Ever. I guess my only other statement would be this; Did you ever consider what may have happened while waiting nineteen hours? The carjacker had a handgun. Did you ever think, wow, this guy may be shooting people, or robbing other victims?”

You already know the answer he gave, because this city is a disgrace.

5 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. “I was so upset when I found out someone stole my car, crashed it into something, and parked it on my lawn, that I immediately had many whiskies with my buddy Quinn, Officer.” It was not me, but it worked. They didn’t hook him up, and then the lawyers take over.


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