Caption Contest Winners

The Tears For Smears Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. Still upset Hitler didn’t win. – Okrahead
4. Why couldn’t it have been 600,000 Jews? – Veeshir
3. I used gorilla glue to keep my turban on & now it won’t come off. – Cathy
2. Slowly puts onion in her purse… – Sully

WINNER! – When you squeeze a lemon, don’t be surprised if the juice is as bitter as the fruit. – Mike AKA Proof

A Rant In D Minor

This post has been a long time coming, and after careful consideration, I am going to post about this now. This is a more serious post than my usual clown show posts, but I think this is important.

I was born and raised in Philadelphia. In my fifty-two years, I have seen both good and bad. Every city has their troubles, obviously, but in the past two decades, Philadelphia has been in a downward spiral. The city has been run exclusively by Democrats since 1952, and the city has suffered for it.

But this isn’t really about politics. It’s about the culture.

Philadelphia has always been a very violent city, especially during the mid to late-90’s. Recently, however, the violence has skyrocketed, mostly after the George Floyd riots. The citizens are murdering people for taking too long to move at a green light, for bumping part them on a sidewalk, or simply looking at them the wrong way. Children are caught in the crossfire, Jewish citizens are being assaulted because of their religion, and Asians are being harassed for a virus which did not originate here.

The politicians sit on their hands and do nothing to stop the slaughter. The media refuses to accurately cover the violence. The department bigwigs fiddle with the true homicide count.

The department is no better. The city stopped looking for the best candidates, and decided instead in favor of diversity. Many of the new officers don’t want to do the job; they’re just here for the paycheck. The veterans care even less. When your department treats you like you’re expendable, refuses to give you the equipment necessary to do the job, and worries more about masks than solving crimes, you know it’s time to get out.

Having said that, this is my home, and it pains me to watch it die in real time. I spent close to thirty years fighting for and protecting the people of this town, and nobody cares. I imagine the Founders are appalled at what the Birthplace of Freedom has become. The city which gave us the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Liberty Bell is quickly becoming Baltimore, and no one cares.

Philadelphia deserves better.

Terrible State Is Much Too Late

A Pennsylvania state senator is contemplating an audit of the wholly corrupt results of the 2020 presidential election. Hey, great idea guys; you’re just seven months too late. Feckless clowns.

State Sen. David Argall, who heads a committee that oversees elections, told local news outlets he favors a forensic audit of the contest that state and federal officials insist was secure.

The Republican, under pressure by former President Donald Trump to take action, told the Capital-Star the audit is now a “very real possibility.” The report said he is considering subpoenas for ballot information and has yet to decide which jurisdictions to send them.

“There are a lot of things under consideration right now, and I told them to check back in a week or two, and we hope to have some more detail,” he told the outlet after meeting with audit-supporting activists on Thursday.

When the wavering begins in the fourth paragraph, I know Argall was completely full of shite. This is why I will vote against every single Republican incumbent from here on out. These a-holes promoted mail-in voting, and helped the illegitimate president win by fraud.

Yet, just like Arizona Senate President Karen Fann — who has said the Maricopa County audit is not meant to overturn the 2020 election results but rather to restore trust in the system and influence possible changes to voting laws — Argall seems to acknowledge there will be no effort geared toward trying to change the results of the November contest, even if critics peg it as an effort meant to undermine confidence in the outcome.

So why are you even bothering? It’s just Kabuki theater to fool the rubes. God, this state sucks.

True Detective Stories

As I walked into work Friday afternoon, I felt pretty good. There were no pending jobs on my desk, Diego the Idiot Detective was off for the rest of the tour, and my physical therapist thinks I may be able to avoid shoulder surgery.

Yep, I was feelin’ fine… and then they came into the building.

Two members of the BATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) waltzed in and said they had a job for us. My first instinct was to tell then to f**k off, considering how awful federal agents have been, well, forever. Instead, I suggested they contact our Major Crimes Unit, since federal cases are usually handled by, you know, federal agents.

Apparently, these two clowns observed two males purchasing firearms in an adjoining state, followed them through said state and halfway through Pennsylvania. They finally had the car stopped in my division – but of course they did – had our police officers arrest the males, and demanded WE write up their search warrants.

Yeah. No.

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Fly Like An Eagle

One of China’s top nuclear scientists apparently “fell off a building” right in the middle of an alleged radiation leak at the Taishan Nuclear Power Plant. Yep, just fell off the building. Totes magotes.

As rumours of a cover-up surround the accident at China’s Taishan Nuclear Power Plant, one of China’s leading nuclear scientists, Zhang Zhijian, has died after apparently falling from a tall building.

Zhang, who had been vice-chancellor at the prestigious Harbin Engineering University, was found dead on Thursday morning.

Don’t worry, Zhang was totally not thrown off the building by ChiCom soldiers.

Born in 1963, Zhang had at least two years left before retirement. But two days before his death, another nuclear expert was appointed as the new vice-chancellor of Harbin Technical University. His death was announced in a post from the university’s official account on the Chinese social media platform Weibo.

The statement added that police had “ruled out homicide as the cause of death after on-site investigations,” without providing any additional details.

Of course they ruled out homicide; the cops didn’t want to be the next ones flying off a building.

Happy Father’s Day!

Well, today is Father’s Day, a holiday which commemorates some troglodyte who was lucky enough to inseminate a woman.

I’ve never been a big fan of Father’s Day; in my opinion it’s a made-up holiday like Juneteenth and, say, Veterans Day. (I kid, I kid.) Mother’s Day is actually a thing, and they deserve their own day. Guys like me, who will be watching NASCAR and playing PlayStation all day, don’t usually celebrate – or even know the date of – Father’s Day.

I mean, I’d like to think I am at least a below-average father – Kyle usually tells me that – but I work hard to put food on the table, and take an interest in the kids’ activities.

For the rest of you real fathers, I hope you enjoy the day. My only wish at this point is to have hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner. That is the zenith of my expectations.

It’s A Very Rocky Relationship

A Saskatoon, Saskatchewan couple apparently couldn’t wait to get home to start banging each other, so they decided to do so on someone’s front lawn.

North Battleford RCMP are investigating after a couple was interrupted in a compromising position – and allegedly became violent.

Police called to 1900 block of 102nd Street around 7 p.m. on June 15 after someone cutting lawn located two people having sex.

Seriously? On someone’s lawn? Don’t these Canucks know that’s what parks and playgrounds are for?

Police say the couple became upset and started throwing rocks at the complainant.

Now see that’s just rude. Besides, the couple are supposed to be getting their rocks off!

Hillary: Still Cryin’ After All These Years

Former First “Lady,” borderline alcoholic, and perpetual crybaby Hillary Clinton is back in the news, and get this: she’s claiming the 2016 Presidential Election “was stolen from her.”

Former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton continued to push the narrative that Russian President Vladimir Putin “helped elect” former President Donald Trump on Wednesday.

When I think about this despicable bitch, I always remember Hillary Clinton will never be president. I’ll bet she’s furious the illegitimate president is in the White House.

Clinton, who lost the 2016 presidential election to Trump, joined MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” to offer her thoughts on President Biden’s meeting with the Russian leader. The former Democratic nominee used the opportunity to praise Biden, bash Trump and declare that Putin contributed to her loss.

“I think that [Biden’s] long history with foreign relations, his eight years as vice president seeing what worked, what didn’t work, watching the disaster of the Trump presidency in basically giving a green light to Putin to do whatever he wanted – once he helped elect Trump, of course – I think you’ll see a much different approach,” Clinton said.

I agree. Soon we’ll see the illegitimate president drooling in a cup, using cue cards during sex, and demanding his staff send in more young girls with fresh-smelling hair.

Everybody Is iPhone Fighting

A Japanese man has spent the better part of the last few months creating a quick-draw system for his iPhone. Why? Don’t know. What I do know is this guy needs to find a real job.

Look, I know the title of this post kind of makes sense and when you read it you’re thinking, “This is probably a Japanese guy who made a way to pull his iPhone out really quickly.” And that’s a fair assumption. But what this video actually is is pure internet majesty. This is the internet we were promised.

Trust me when I tell you; you are going to want to see the video below. My word as a Biden.

Continue reading “Everybody Is iPhone Fighting”

Feel-Good Friday

Meet Timothy Harrison (left) and his Waffle House manager Cedric Hampton. Timothy was all set to attend his high school graduation when he was presented with a few snags. Thankfully, Timothy has a great manager and coworkers.

Timothy Harrison of Center Point, Alabama planned to attend his high school graduation. He’d even cleared it with his boss to take time off. But when the day of the ceremony dawned, Harrison found himself stranded.

The event was being held an hour away from home. With his family members working and no one able to drive him there, much to the surprise of his manager, Cedric Hampton, Harrison showed up for his regular 7 a.m. shift at the local Waffle House.

Once Hampton heard the details of Harrison’s dilemma—not only didn’t he have a way to get to the graduation, but he’d missed out on picking up his ticket, cap, and gown—the quick-thinking manager immediately marshaled his Waffle House troops for action.

After being ferried to school to retrieve his cap and gown, back at the Waffle House, the elated senior was outfitted in a brand-new ensemble picked up and paid for by his coworkers (with a little help from some generous restaurant patrons).

“When I sat down in that auditorium it was the best moment of my life,” Harrison told WBRC News. “This is a memory I will cherish forever… I’m going to tell my kids about this.”

Southern hospitality is not dead, my friends, and Cedric Hampton is a genuine hero.