True Detective Stories

For the past ten months, the city’s police stations have been effectively closed to walk-in traffic. Yes, you can still make a report at the police station, but you’re separated by Plexiglas and must wear a mask. The same holds true for victims and/or witnesses of crimes. Every police officer knows this policy, because it has been the rule since the Chinese Wuhan Virus came to our shores.

So imagine my surprise when an officer brought an assault victim to the district Tuesday afternoon.

This dimwit didn’t even transport the victim to the division. Instead, he had the victim follow him to the division, so the cop could simply drop him off and flee the scene. Of course, the fact this dimwit stopped by my desk made it easier for me to dispense my snarky sarcasm – or Snarkasm™ – to him personally.

So dicknuts approached my desk, dropped a pile of paperwork on top and said, “The complainant is downstairs.” Naturally, I replied with, “What are you talking about? The order is we do not bring complainants to the division. It’s been the policy for almost a year.”

Deer Diary…

So, I was sitting at my desk in work when Mrs. Earp called. She usually doesn’t call me while I’m working, so I figured something went wrong somewhere. Sadly, I was correct in that assumption.

Kyle was heading to his friend’s job to drive him home, because the friend’s car was in the shop. Kyle’s good like that. Anyway, while he was driving, a deer decided to run in front of my precious, antique Saturn VUE. Kyle struck the deer, and it damaged the front end, the hood, the lights, etc.

Thankfully Kyle was not hurt, and while the car doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would, the tow driver said he couldn’t tell if the car can be repaired or if it would be totaled. This annoys me because it’s a 2007 Saturn – which they don’t make anymore, thanks to Obama – and it is/was my favorite car.

We’ll see what the garage thinks. I sincerely hope it can be fixed, because Kyle really likes having a car. If not, then… not. If we decided to get another car, it would be a pre-owned one. I certainly cannot afford a new car, especially since Mrs. Earp’s Saturn Relay is nearly fifteen years old and if falling apart.

Coming Up Next? Hot Sticky Buns!

While the country is plummeting into the abyss, there is occasionally a feel-good story which convinces me that America is not totally lost. In this case, it’s an internet sensation titled “Naked Bakers.”

Jade, an anonymous blonde model from L.A., is pouring flour into a baking bowl. She is naked, standing in a clean, plant-filled kitchen, with her face cropped out of the shot. In the background, soft jazz plays. “Today, we’re making chocolate espresso cookies,” says an off-camera narrator, with a light Valley Girl accent.

“Like, you know, whatever!”

Jade adds some cocoa powder to her flour and begins to stir. The camera wanders casually past her nipples, vulva and immaculate white acrylics before zooming into her mixing bowl. “These cookies are so tasty,” the narrator adds. “I bet you won’t be able to eat just one.”

Not gonna lie: I am very interested in any of these baker’s “mixing bowls,” if you know what I mean.

This seven-minute clip is one of hundreds that are now available to view on the Naked Bakers website, as well as on YouTube and OnlyFans. As the name implies, the company specializes in creating cookery videos, all which are hosted exclusively by naked women. The recipes on offer are diverse, straightforward and indulgent; currently, there are clips about BBQ chicken thighs, garlic mashed potatoes, pad thai and mac and cheese, among others.

Yes, I’d like to place an order for some thighs… and breasts.

Next Time She May Be More Leary

A mother from Beaverton, Oregon had the scare of a lifetime after a thief stole her car with her child in the vehicle. Ironically, there is evidence the thief is more responsible than the mother.

Police responded to Basics Meat Market around 9 a.m. Saturday in Beaverton, Oregon. Crystal Leary told them she had gone into the store to quickly grab a couple of items and left her 4-year-old son in the car with the engine running.

While she was inside, a man got into the car and drove off with the boy inside.

You would be surprised how often this happens, and while it’s easy to blame the car thief, the only person responsible for this calamity is the mother. But wait, it gets better.

Leary says the suspect then drove back to the store and yelled at her, threatening to call the police because she left her son in the car. He ordered her to get the boy out of the car then drove off again. (H/T – Smite)

Your honor, the defense rests. Look, the man should obviously be charged with the auto theft, but I still stand by my statement that this man is infinitely more responsible than the child’s mother.

“Moderate” Senator To Oust Colleagues

Leftist West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is planning on using the 14th Amendment to expel certain GOP senators for their part in challenging the certification of the stolen election. I know I said I’d try to steer clear of politics, but this will trickle down. They’ll try to expel senators, then businesses, then you, all for your wrong-think.

Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin (W.Va.), thought to be a moderate in the increasingly polarized chamber, indicated Sunday that he is open to using the 14th Amendment to expel Republican lawmakers who objected to the certification of Electoral College results.

In an interview with PBS’ “Firing Lines,” Manchin said that the move should “absolutely” be considered after riotous supporters of President Trump stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, supposedly charged by rhetoric characterizing the 2020 presidential election as fraudulent.

Except the vote was fraudulent, and it was stolen by the Democrats after a group of blue cities all shut down ballot counting at the exact same moment. Make no mistake; the conservative purges will continue for the duration of Biden’s illegitimate term.

“Absolutely that should be a consideration,” Manchin said when asked by PBS reporter Margaret Hoover if the 14th Amendment should be invoked against Republican Sens. Ted Cruz (Texas) and Josh Hawley (Mo.), both whom were among the more vocal of a group of Republican senators who objected to Electoral College certification in battleground states such as Pennsylvania and Arizona.

The First Amendment is dying, if it’s not already dead. The Democrats “won” the presidency, the House and the Senate, but that wasn’t enough. Their mission now is to destroy conservatives.

President Pedo To Be Sworn In Today

Illegitimate President Joe Biden will be sworn in today in a locked-down Washington, D.C. The illegitimate Biden administration believes there will be a violent coup today, and are securing the nation’s capital. Ironically, they didn’t see the need for that during the violent, murderous summer riots, but whatever.

It’s a new day in America, my friends.

The illegitimate Biden administration has already showed their hands, banning conservatives from social media, attempting to impeach President Trump a second time, investigating members of the National Guard to check their “loyalty” to the new illegitimate president, and so on.

Dark days are ahead, but we’ll get through this, just as we got through eight abominable years of King Putt. I truly hope conservatives take the fight to this prick, just as they did during four years of President Trump. If nothing else, we can sit back and laugh while President Pedo’ dementia further deteriorates his miniscule brain.

And if you want to rile up the toads on the left, let them know it’s our turn to resist.

She’s The Freshmaker

A Hellertown, PA woman was arrested for possibly the most insignificant theft in criminal history.

Police said they were called for a robbery a little before 1 p.m. Jan. 7, at the Citgo gas station at 1020 Main St.

The employee reported a woman, later identified as Antoinette Froilan, 19, walked into the store, went behind the counter and grabbed two pack of cigarettes.

When Froilan was confronted by an employee, Froilan pushed the employee away, grabbed four rolls of Mentos and walked out. About a block away from the store, Froilan got into an ambulance to try to get away, but couldn’t operate it.

Hard to believe a genius like this wouldn’t know how to start an ambulance. It truly bogles the mind.

So Froilan is now sitting in prison for stealing two packs of cigarettes and four packs of Mentos. Wow, and people think Floridians are stupid?

Cali Has Two Million Unused Vaccines

While the state of California is battling an alarming number of daily Chinese Wuhan Virus deaths, there are two million vaccines sitting in offices, apparently unused.

While Californians are dying at a record rate from the coronavirus, with the number now reaching 525 per day, while the concomitant demand for vaccines to fight the virus soars, nearly two million doses of vaccines for the coronavirus are lying unused, “locked up in cold storage,” as the San Francisco Chronicle reports.

“California has among the lower rates of vaccine administration in the country, with only 38% of the 3.1 million doses delivered to the state actually being given so far — leaving close to 2 million doses apparently stored in freezers and awaiting recipients,” The Chronicle notes, adding that the state’s ineptitude in vaccinating its residents is “putting the nation’s largest state far behind West Virginia, the Dakotas and most other states in the proportion of population that has been vaccinated.”

California is, by far, the worst-run state in the union, in my opinion. I truly feel sorry for those of you who are forced to live in that communist shithole.

L.A. County Public Health Director Barbara Ferrer stated, “This disease is running rampant right now, and we continue to plead with residents, businesses and government, the community, to do all possible to stop the spread.”

Or, you know, the state could start vaccinating their at-risk citizens instead of watching the vaccines degenerate on some government drone’s shelf.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Exploded

Deranged Hollywood “actress” Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently selling candles which smell like her vagina. Why anyone would purchase a candle which smells like the East River is beyond me, but I digress. One London woman purchased the meat-flap candle, and it subverted her expectations.

A VAGINA-scented candle by Gwyneth Paltrow exploded into flames causing an “inferno” in a woman’s living room. Jody Thompson, 50, won the risque product sold by the Hollywood star and wellness guru in an online quiz.

The candle is described on Gwyneth’s Goop site as “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected”.

You know what else was unexpected? The raging fire coming from Gwyneth’s vagina, er, candle.

But Jody was taken by ­surprise after lighting it when a 50cm flame leapt from the candle and out of the glass jar. The media consultant told The Sun: “The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.

Not for nothing, but if you purchase a vagina candle, you really should expect it to occasionally have a hot flash or an gushing orgasm.

Caption Contest Winners

The Elmo Loves His Goldfish Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. The aftermath of Big Bird being horny. = TXNick
4. “A Nationwide alert has been issued For the suspects Bert and Ernie. If seen, DO NOT approach the suspects as they are known to be heavily armed and extremely dangerous!” – Dalek
3. Murder Me Elmo – Veeshir
2. Elmo questioned the Presidential vote totals in North Philadelphia. – RD

WINNER! – Elmo’s last tweet claimed to have evidence against Hillary Clinton. – Mike AKA Proof