Filipina Receives An Atomic Wedgie

There comes a time in every person’s life when they need to rethink their choices. For example, me and whiskey no longer hang because there was “an incident.” Of course, wedging yourself between two buildings should also raise a few questions.

This woman somehow ended up in this predicament during a boozy night in the Philippines.

Witnesses said she was trying to climb onto the roof of her home, but slipped and fell into the tiny gap between two houses. She was so wedged into the tight gap that she couldn’t get out – but was eventually rescued after six hours.

Neighbours heard her desperate cries for help and alerted rescuers, who initially struggled to get the woman out. But it was partly the fault of the woman herself – she was so hammered that she resisted the rescue attempt.

Personally, I would have left there to drown in her own vomit, but apparently those types actions are now “frowned upon.”

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Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Leftist MSNBC commentator Joy Ann Reid is (poorly) defending herself after multiple anti-gay posts from her blog surfaced. Naturally, Joy claimed her blog was “hacked.”

Apparently Joy can’t Reid.

MSNBC’s Joy Reid claimed on Monday that homophobic content from her old blog was “fabricated” by outside sources and added to the site after she shut it down, with all the content mysteriously disappearing from internet archives.

Mediaite reported last December that Reid had posted a series of anti-gay articles on her blog, the Reid Report, and Reid offered an apology via Facebook shortly thereafter, taking full responsibility for them.

No, see she felt sorry back then; now she’s absolutely sure some racist conservative hacked her blog.

Reid provided an updated statement to Mediaite, saying, “Now that the site has been compromised I can state unequivocally that it does not represent the original entries. I hope that whoever corrupted the site recognizes the pain they have caused, not just to me, but to my family and communities that I care deeply about: LGBTQ, immigrants, people of color and other marginalized groups.”

Liberalism is never having to say you’re sorry. What a piece of garbage.

Frank The Skank Spanks Point Blank

Meet former New Orleans mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock. Frank believes in polling the electorate, and using polls, and occasionally playing with his pole.

Former mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock pleaded no contest Monday (April 23) in a Santa Monica, Calif,. court after he was arrested last year on charges that he was masturbating in the backseat during an Uber ride.

Scurlock was arrested in February 2017 after an Uber driver picked him up from a West Hollywood hotel. As the vehicle was passing through Santa Monica, the driver heard Scurlock making noises in the backseat and pulled over and opened the passenger door. She saw Scurlock with his penis exposed and masturbating, according to a Santa Monica official, and ran to a gas station and called police.

The implication here is Frank started flogging the dolphin while thinking of the Uber driver. If she was driving the vehicle, he could only primarily see the back of her hear. Of course, that may be Frank’s particular fetish…

All Too Easy

Meet Joshua L. Franklin of East Alton, Illinois.

Joshua is a part of the Upright Citizens Brigade, so when he observed a robbery, he immediately came forward as the state’s star witness. it was not the first mistake he made that fateful morn.

Within an hour, East Alton Police said a person matching the description of the suspect was in the lobby, wanting to report the Wood River robbery. Joshua L. Franklin told police he had witnessed the robbery.

Officers arrived in the lobby and arrested him. When police searched Franklin’s home, they found clothing, money and a weapon.

Franklin, 19, pleaded guilty April 16 to a robbery at Wood River Convenient Market in August 2017, and was sentenced to four years in prison.

Franklin will now spend the next four years witnessing soap bar beatings and random acts of sodomy.

We Are! Nanny State!

If the obnoxious alumni and the multitude of scandals isn’t enough to turn off Penn State University, this idiotic decision may push you off the cliff.

The Penn State Outing Club, originally founded in 1920, announced last week that the university will no longer allow the club to organize outdoor, student-led trips starting next semester. The hiking, camping and other outdoors-focused activities the student-led club has long engaged in are too risky, the university’s offices of Student Affairs and Risk Management determined.

Richard Waltz, the Outing Club’s current president, said that the decision was made by an office that never consulted them.

The decision was based on a two-month review that didn’t include consultation with student leaders at any of the clubs deemed too risky.

In fairness, who joins to Outing Club to go outdoors?

Two other outdoor recreation clubs — the spelunking Nittany Grotto Caving Club and the Nittany Divers SCUBA Club — also have been directed to end trip offerings.

For their part, the SCUBA Club will now conduct their business in plastic toddler pools.

Penn State conducted a “proactive risk assessment” not based on any previous participant injuries, according to Powers. She said Outing Club activities were rated high risk because they take place in remote environments with poor cell service and distance from emergency services.

In essence, the rocket surgeons at Penn State hired a group of ambulance-chasing lawyers and asked then how the university could avoid future suits. This was their well thought-out, practical idea. Bravo, Penn State; you are insuring the financial security of the university for years to come.

Add This Story To The Wall Of Weird

Television series’ focusing on comic book heroes rarely stay entertaining the entire run. In my opinion, Smallville was an exception. The series about a high school Superman was very well done, and I genuinely liked the characters, including Clark Kent’s best friend Chloe, played by Allison Mack.

What a difference a decade makes.

“Smallville” actress Allison Mack has been arrested for her alleged role in the notorious upstate sex slave cult Nxivm, federal prosecutors announced Friday.

The bust comes less than a month after Nxivm leader Keith Raniere was collared on the same charges at a luxury villa in Mexico — where they had been hiding out since one of their “slaves” in October went public with her experience in the cult.

Mack, 35, was Raniere’s direct “slave” and had a sexual relationship with him — but also acted as a “master” to other slaves, who were forced to have sex with Raniere and get his initials burned into their pubic region with a cauterizing pen.

As the women were being branded like cattle, Mack allegedly placed her hands on their chests and told them to “feel the pain” and to “think of [their] master.”

Obviously, Mack was infected with red Kryptonite. Sweet fancy Moses, what the hell happened to sweet, innocent Chloe? As my friend Bill said, “She needs a good spanking from Clark.”

Mack, who played Chloe Sullivan on the hit superhero show, was recruited to Nxivm by fellow “Smallville” star Kristin Kreuk in 2006 and rose up the ranks into Raniere’s inner circle.

Wow that’s hot. Um, I mean wrong. It’s very, very wrong!

Caption Contest Winners

The I Like My Coffee Black Caption Contest is now over. Every single entry was fantastic. Well done!

Top Five Entries:
5. “How do you think I take my coffee….BLACK, MOTHER F****R!!!!!” – Kevin
4. Guy on left: “CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!”
Guy on right: *discreetly checks holster*
3. Mike’s Photoshop.
2. “What do we want!!! A grande extra hot soy with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of splenda, oh and put that in a venti cup and fill up the “room” with extra whipped cream with caramel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top. 5 shot venti, 2/5th decaf, ristretto shot, 1 pump Vanilla, 1 pump Hazelnut, breve,1 sugar in the raw, with whip, caramel drizzle on top, free poured, 4 pump mocha. When do we want it!!!” – Sully

WINNER! – Zach stood quietly and contemplated the delicious irony of his degree in African American Studies. – Jim

True Detective Stories

Saturday was interesting.

So an hour into the tour, an officer walks in with a bizarre-looking witness and sits him on the bench. The officer comes to my desk and says, “This is the man who reported the endangered missing person.” Perplexed, I replied, “What missing person?”

Apparently, the overnight shift took a call from a captain, stating an elderly man walked away from his care facility. The witness claimed the missing person suffered from dementia and schizophrenia. With that, we need to run all sorts of protocols. The facility needs to be held as a crime scene, constant radio messages need to be broadcast, and patrol cars need an active search. In short, missing persons like these are a nightmare.

So I look at the report and am about to assign it to a detective when I notice the report doesn’t include the person’s last name or date of birth. Both are necessary to put out the report locally and nationally. When I asked this pretty, but clueless officer why she omitted those important details, she said neither the residence nor the witness had them.

Awesome.

The assigned detective brought in the “witness,” and five minutes later escorted him out. Apparently, the officer declined to mention the fact our star witness did not work at the residence; he was a patient there. Oh, and the patient suffers from paranoid delusions, so there’s that.

After speaking to an actual member of the staff, we found the gentleman does not suffer from dementia, and does not suffer from schizophrenia. Oh, and spoiler alert; the man is allowed to come and go as he pleases.

Honestly, it warms my heart to know this police department is in truly capable hands.

She Is Never Going Away

Amy Chozick, a NYT reporter who wrote a book on Hillary Clinton entitled, “Chasing Hillary,” claims The Hildebeast lost the 2016 election because of – wait for it – sexism.

She contends that sexism played a big role in Clinton’s defeat but also encounters it first-hand among Clinton’s campaign staff.

When Chozick zeroes in on Clinton and leaves herself out of it, she can be perceptive, pithy and surprising. On Clinton’s apparent disdain for the electoral process: “If there was a single unifying force behind her candidacy, it was her obvious desire to get the whole thing over with.” On Clinton’s ambition: “Her only clear vision of the presidency seemed to be herself in it.”

I’m no detective, but I think it’s safe to say Hillary’s arrogance and ignorance also cost her the presidency. She believed it was her birthright, and when she lost, she blamed everyone but herself.

“Chasing Hillary” offers some searing moments surrounding election night, as when the Clinton team’s data guru grasps that his Florida models were off (Latino turnout lower than expected, white turnout huge in the Panhandle), then turns to campaign manager Robby Mook and says, they could be wrong everywhere.”

Mook eventually delivers the news of impending defeat to Clinton. “I knew it. I knew this would happen to me,” she answers. “They were never going to let me be president.” (H/T – AOSHQ)

Gee Hillary, who is the “they” here? The illuminati, black helicopters, white people? The only person who never let you be president is you. Stop making excuses for your loss and take responsibility for your poisonous, toxic personality.

Getting His Kicks

As I mentioned Saturday, Kevin’s most recent martial arts belt testing occurred Friday night. Kevin, a brown belt, was testing for his brown belt with black stripe. Since Mrs. Earp was wrapped up with prom duties, I took Kevin to the testing. As we pulled into the parking lot, I told him, “I want you to do everything fast and hard.” For the most part, he did not disappoint.

Kevin (right, in the photo) performed all his moves very well, punched hard, and kicked harder. (At one point, he connected with a kick, knocking his sparring partner to the ground.)

My only complaint was he pulled a few punches, but he was bigger and more experienced than his sparring partner, and he’s always been afraid of hurting someone. Other than that, it was a great evening, and Sensei Dave (the owner of Premier Martial Arts) told me afterward, “He’s a different person than when he started.” It was a nice compliment to receive.