Holy Unidentified Music, Batman!

For the past few weeks, residents in Wyntheshawe, England have been serenaded with sweet music coming from an undisclosed location. I mean, to some it’s sweet, to others…

People living in Wythenshawe have been left puzzled by a mysterious Batman tune which has been heard echoing through the streets.

Locals say the theme tune, commonly associated with the fictional DC comics superhero, has been playing near Wythenshawe Hospital around the same time, on a daily basis.

One mother has been left so curious by the noise, she took to Facebook to investigate where it is coming from. She wrote: “Right, does anyone hear this random Batman tune near Wythenshawe Hospital? It’s doing my head in.”

Believe it or not, I know the answer. Since Britain’s treachery regarding the phony Steele dossier, president Trump ordered the tune be played in cities all across the U.K. That’ll learn ’em!

Mitch McConnell Is A Disgusting Worm

Senate Majority Head – he’s hardly a leader – Mitch McConnell kowtowed to a member of the corrupt press and paraphrased, “Why yes, we will definitely hold impeachment proceedings after Schiff’s show trials are finished.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Wednesday that the Senate cannot dismiss the articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, meaning there will be a trial.

“I don’t think there’s any question that we have to take up the matter. The rules of impeachment are very clear, we’ll have to have a trial. My own view is that we should give people the opportunity to put the case on,” McConnell told reporters after being asked about dismissing the articles of impeachment.

That’s bullshit and McConnell knows it. He runs the Senate, and with a GOP majority he can do whatever the f**k he wants. Schumer certainly had no problem changing the rules to favor the party in power, so McConnell could, too. The fact is he doesn’t want to, because he would be fine if the president was removed from office. I despise these mother**kers. Truly.

The Caller contacted all 53 Republican Senate offices to ask if senators would rule out voting to remove Trump from office, and received a variety of responses–seven senators explicitly rejected impeachment in their statement.

So besides Willard “The Rat” Romney, Ben Sassy, Joni Ernst, and Lisa Murkowski, how many other GOP senators will vote with the Democrats? Imagine how much could get done if the GOP treated the Democrats as the opposing, enemy party.

Scruff The Magic Dragon

Meet Nicholas Miller of Greenfield, Indiana. Nicholas likes to wind down after a hard day of work, and when his relaxation is interrupted, he gets fired up.

Nicholas Miller was removed by staff at Dancers Show Club at 8013 West Washington Street for “causing a disturbance.” Just after midnight on Nov. 7, officers with the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department responded to the club after receiving a report that a man tried to set the building on fire.

The manager at Dancers says that Miller was served two beers after arriving around 11 p.m. on Nov. 6, then was asked to leave for “acting strange by standing over other patrons staring at them.”

The manager watched on a camera as Miller left the building, then went to pull something out of his trunk. Video of the incident was turned over to IMPD by the manager. Investigators say Miller can be seen placing a gas can next to the building, underneath a gas meter. A shirt was wrapped around the gas can’s spigot.

Miller is then seen on video lighting a cigarette, taking several tokes on it, then holding the cigarette near the gas can and shirt. After it fails to ignite, investigators say he threw the cigarette toward the gas can, then ran to his vehicle.

That’s odd, because Nicholas seems like a very bright guy with a good head on his shoulders. I figured he would at least know how to burn down a building… or comb his hair.

Just Lemur Alone!

Meet Playboy Playmate Francia James. Wait, are Playmates still a thing? I thought they didn’t get all nuded up anymore? Anyway, Francia is an animal lover, and believe me, the animals love her, too.

Francia James, who has also starred for FHM, is often finding herself in sticky situations with animals.

Back in August, she was groped by an elephant while on safari and just days later decided to squat with a live alligator on her back. But, in a recent trip to Chase Animal Rescue Sanctuary centre in Webster, Florida, US, a lemur went one step further.

The clip shows the primate perching on Francia’s shoulder before sticking his nose into her cleavage, appearing to try to grab some food.

Gentlemen, I implore you, would any of us have reacted differently? Are we not men? When we are pricked, do we not bleed?

The Mahony Baloney

Meet Josh Mahony, the Democratic challenger to Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton. Mahony is prepared to fight Senator Cotton on the issues, and he’s in this for the long haul. Wait, what? What do you mean Mahony dropped out of the race already?

The only Democrat who filed to challenge Arkansas Republican Sen. Tom Cotton in 2020 announced Tuesday that he was dropping out of the race just two hours after the filing period ended in the state.

Wow Josh, way to screw your fellow Democrats; and in Arkansas, no less!

Josh Mahony, a Democrat said he was dropping out of the race due to “a family health concern” saying he needs to focus on his family and spend time outside of politics, according to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

The period to file for state and federal offices in Arkansas ended at noon on Tuesday, Mahony announced his bid at 2:16 p.m. He was the only Democrat who filed to challenge Cotton.

Tom Cotton is arguably the most popular politician in Arkansas, and one of the most popular Republican senators in America. Mahony likely had no chance to win, but bailing out right after the filing deadline is kind of a dick move.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today is my mother’s 74th birthday!

Mom has always worked hard to keep the three of us happy, healthy, and on the straight and narrow. Life wasn’t easy growing up, and since she was a stay-at-home mom most of the time, we were solidly stuck into the upper lower-middle class. Things didn’t get much better when my parents divorced – a necessary evil, believe me – and as the years went on, Mom started flirting with Alzheimer’s. She would forget a few things now and then, and eventually she started following her mother’s footsteps.

We had to place her in an assisted living facility around Christmas last year, and sadly, mom’s memory has gotten worse. It’s difficult to see your parents deteriorate, but you do the best you can.

My sister is having a birthday party for her in the residence Saturday – naturally I’ll be stuck at work – but my kids will be there, as will her brother and his family. Hopefully it will be a fun day for her.

Blame Canada Quebec!

A French woman has apparently been deemed “not French enough” for admission into Quebec because part of her PdD thesis was written in English. The horror!

The Quebec government has overturned a decision to deny a French woman her Quebec immigration documents because a chapter of her PhD thesis was written in English.

This may be one of the most idiotic rulings I have ever heard. The woman was born in France, speaks French and English, and earned her PhD. Who would want to welcome someone like that into their fold?

The controversial ruling was invalidated abruptly on Friday after Emilie Dubois’ case gained international attention this week.

Dubois, a native of France whose mother tongue is French, had been denied a Quebec selection certificate after bureaucrats ruled her level of French wasn’t adequate under the Quebec experience program, a popular fast-track immigration program for foreign students and workers.

Dubois said she’s been assured a certificate will soon be sent that will allow her to move forward on her efforts to get permanent residency in Canada.

The good news is Dubois will be accepted into Quebec. The bad news is Dubois will be accepted into Quebec. See what I did there?

Jimmy Carter Admitted Into Hospital

Jimmy Carter has been admitted into a Georgia hospital ahead of a scheduled brain procedure. I assume one of the worst presidents in American history is about to receive his first brain, but I may be wrong.

Former President Jimmy Carter has been hospitalized to reduce pressure on his brain after recent falls.

Carter, 95, was admitted to Emory University Hospital in Atlanta Monday and has an operation scheduled for Tuesday, The Carter Center said in a statement. The hospitalization comes after multiple falls in 2019 have caused bleeding in his brain.

Carter, the longest living U.S. president in history, was left with stitches on his brow after a fall in October. The former president also broke his hip in May while turkey hunting and fell again in October, suffering from a minor pelvic fracture.

Hopefully Carter pulls through, recovers quickly, and realizes Israel is not America’s enemy.

True Detective Stories

After the adjustment to my work schedule, this is my sixth and final day before two glorious days off. The break cannot come at a more opportune time since I am literally surrounded by morons. You may remember Diego the Idiot Detective from the last episode of TDS. On Saturday, he out-dumbed himself; which I assumed was impossible.

One of the other detectives asked Diego to put together a photo array for a victim’s attacker. Photo arrays are rather simple tasks; you need to submit eight mug shots – the offender and seven others wo look similar to the offender. For example, you cannot show a photo array of three white males and five black males. Or you cannot show seven women and one man. In short, the photos cannot be prejudicial, and they cannot make the offender seem glaringly obvious.

Luckily, Diego the Idiot Detective was on the case…

Caption Contest Winners

The Dizzy Miss Lindsey Caption Contest Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. “…..and after 25 years of development,,,,,and largely due to your help, our Special Operators wanted you to have the first production model of what they have dubbed ‘the Trump Tactical Timepiece’ for its outstanding ability to take a beating and keep on ticking!” – Dalek
4. That goddamn wall better be built or I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass. – Kevin
3. The FBI should be arresting Hillary in 3-2-1… – Mike AKA Proof
2. In my best Ted Knight voice… “We’re waiting….” – Sully

WINNER! – According to my watch, it’s time for term limits. – Redneck Geezer