He Can Take His Intelligence To The Bank

Meet Daniel Francisco. “Francisco. That’s fun to say.” Like most Floridians, Daniel dabbles in pharmaceuticals; it’s the only way to get over the fact he lives in Florida.

Sadly, Daniel’s munchie run did not reward him with a bag of delicious Doritos.

Cops were summoned Wednesday afternoon to a Tampa-area bank “in reference to a suspected impaired driver.” Upon arriving at the Bank of America branch, an investigator found Douglas Francisco, 28, at the wheel of a blue Hyundai in the bank’s parking lot.

A bank manager told police a male driving a blue Hyundai had passed out at the wheel while in the bank’s drive-thru lane. After the employee beat on the car’s window, the driver awoke and asked for a burrito. He subsequently drove away “after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.”

Francisco was arrested after field sobriety tests “yielded strong evidence of impairment.” A search of Francisco turned up Xanax and Oxycodone pills, for which he had a prescription.

If nothing else, the bank teller should have offered him a few lollipops. Just something to tide him over before his strip search.

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The Impossible Dream?

As a highly-trained, uber-intelligent blogger, the biggest drawback to taking a day off is the chance you can miss a story. Sweet fancy Moses, did I miss the story of the decade. So, here’s the story, two days late, courtesy of AOSHQ.

A review of a classified document outlining what is described as extensive Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act abuse was made available to all House members Thursday and the revelations could lead to the removal of senior officials in the FBI and Department of Justice, several sources with knowledge of the document stated. These sources say the report is “explosive,” stating they would not be surprised if it leads to the end of Robert Mueller’s Special Counsel investigation into President Trump and his associates.

[A senior] government official said that after reading the document “some of these people should no longer be in the government.”

But the government official, who viewed the document said “it will be tough for a lot of people to see this and especially the media, which has been attempting to deemphasize the dossier. It’s going to punch a hole in their collusion narrative.”

I want to be excited about this, but the pessimist in me believes this is a nothingburger, and no one will be held accountable.

That said, if this memo is as damning as people are saying it is, there is a chance – a small chance – some Washington bureaucrats may actually see prison time. Do you realize how rare that is? It’s like finding a cyclops married to a unicorn who farts rainbows.

The Princess And The Penance

One of the reasons why I took the day off yesterday was I had no posts written and we were very busy; particularly with Princess P.

Julia’s class received the sacrament of Penance Wednesday evening in preparation for First Communion this spring. Princess P was very excited for the event, and claimed she had “three sins to confess,” but we weren’t allowed to know what they were.

The mass went smoothly, save for the two ignorant white trash fathers behind us who couldn’t stop talking and/or playing on their phones. I’m no Ned Flanders by any stretch, but you’re sitting in church, not at the local dive bar! Clowns.

Princess P’s class is not very large, and her row was up quickly. While standing in line waiting for the priest to call her over, she kept rocking back and forth. I’m not sure whether she was excited or nervous, but she was making a mess of her hair!

The sacrament went well, Julia said her priest was very nice, and since we promised her a snack afterward, we stopped for donuts. Pink icing, off course.

Jeff Flake, Socratic Statesman

Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears! Senator Jeff Flake – one of America’s greatest orators – took to the Senate floor Wednesday, giving a speech which warmed hearts and stimulated minds.

Arizona lawmaker Jeff Flake compared Donald Trump to Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin, delivering a blistering attack on the president to a nearly empty Senate chamber.

‘It is a testament to the condition of our democracy that our own president uses words infamously spoken by Josef Stalin to describe his enemies,’ Flake said, citing a Trump tweet in which he branded five news outlets ‘the enemy of the American people.’

Finally, the Lincoln of our time has awakened us from our slumber! I urge all conservatives to drop what they are doing and pick up the mantle for Senator Flake. We can take our country back from this Stalinist president; a man who has already murdered millions of… oh wait, Trump did nothing of the sort. Maybe that explains this…

Only two senators, Democrats Dick Durbin of Illinois and Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota, attended the 15-minute speech that was highly anticipated by reporters and editors.

Flake announced, and re-announced, this epic speech for days now, and the only ones who bothered to show were little Dick Durbin and Amy Klobuchar? Hmm, I guess the other ninety-seven senators were home washing their hair.

It’s A Mental Health Day!

To quote the immortal Ferris Bueller, “I’m taking the day off.”

I’m taking the day off from the blog because I cannot take the day off from my career. Allow me to explain.

Since I took two weeks vacation during Christmas, the weather has gotten worse – snow is omnipresent here lately – we lost two detectives to other units – bringing the squad number to ten detectives from its usual fifteen – and I have spent the week in court.

Yesterday was my day off, and after coming home from court, I spent much of the day sleeping and shivering. In short, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t feel like blogging, I don’t feel like going to court, and I don’t feel like doing, well, anything.

I don’t think this is the depression seeping back; I think I just need rest. I’ve been averaging five hours’ sleep since the trial started, and I need a day to recharge.

Everything will be back to normal tomorrow, and regular postings will resume. Thanks for your understanding.

Let’s Get Physical

President Trump’s physician gave the leftist media a case of teh sadz yesterday when he informed them the president is in very good health – both physically and mentally.

The Physician to the President Navy Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson said during Tuesday’s White House press briefing that President Donald Trump requested, then aced, a cognitive ability exam.

Reporters have suggested for months that Trump is mentally unstable, and NBC’s Hallie Jackson was quick to ask about the president’s mental health during the briefing.

“I had absolutely no concerns about his cognitive ability or his — you know, neurological function,” Jackson asserted. “I was not going to do a cognitive exam. I had no intention of doing one. The reason we did the cognitive assessment is plain and simple because the president asked me to do it.”

Naturally, CNN’s most prominent whiny bitch Jim Acosta accused Rear Admiral Jackson of lying about the president’s exam, because bitches gonna bitch.

Look, Up In The Sky…

Speaking of leftist sh*tholes, a group of Californians are lucky to be alive after a speeding vehicle hit a median, went airnorne, and crashed into a building.

A speeding car struck a median and flew into the second floor of a building early Sunday morning, Jan. 14, remaining lodged into a dental office.

The white Nissan Altima was traveling at a high rate of speed northbound on French Street when the accident occurred in the 300 block of E. 17th Street.

The driver hit a raised center median on 17th Street, launching the car into the air. The vehicle struck the 2nd floor of the building and was lodged there, sticking out of the structure as police arrived at around 5:30 a.m.

What could possibly be the reason for a car flying into a building?

“The driver, who admitted to using narcotics, will be admitted to a local hospital for observation,” the news release said.

Wow, shocker. I guess the bright side is the residents can now install a giant bow window.

Sheepless In Seattle

Seattle is now as awful a place to shop as it is to live.

On January 1, Seattle had several new progressive laws go into effect. Along with mandatory paid sick leave, mandates for employers to post work schedules 14 days in advance, and severe restrictions on short-term rental platforms, Seattle imposed a massive new soda tax — 1.75 cents per OUNCE on sugary drinks.

Costco, famous for selling products in bulk quantities, faces especially stiff price increases. On the previously mentioned pallet of 35 bottles of Gatorade, a list price of $15.99 is taxed $10.34, with a total cost of $26.33.

Signs all over the Seattle stores list the tax separately, and then have another sign offering solutions to the consumer: This item is also available at our Tukwila and Shoreline locations without City of Seattle Sweetened Beverage Tax.

Leftists never met a tax they didn’t like. This tax is actually worse than Philadelphia’s obnoxious beverage fines, but good on Costco for advising their customers to shop outside the city limits.

The Big Bang Theory

Meet British man David Worsley. David was vacationing in Africa for some unknown reason, and while there, he contracted salmonella. What happened next will blow your mind… or other regions.

David Worsley was enjoying a holiday to Tunisia with his wife Joanne in July 2014 when his life was turned upside down.

The 59-year-old began suffering from African salmonella, which is potentially deadly, just a couple of days into the holiday. The security guard from Bolton, Lancashire said he lost three stone as he could not keep food down, before waking up one day with ‘excruciating pain’ in his testicle.

Although he was vomiting and suffering from diarrhoea, doctors eventually sent him home – but the swelling continued to worsen. Mr Worsley said he was having a bath when the pressure in his genitals reached breaking point.

He said: ‘I got in the bath and it just exploded. It literally went bang and that was it. (H/TAOSHQ)

Happy Tuesday, everyone! If you need me, I’ll be wincing and cradling my junk for a few hours.