Sunday Services

Today’s services revolve around one of my favorite players on one of my favorite hockey teams, Boston Bruins forward David Pastrňák.

David Pastrňák (25 May 1996) nicknamed “Pasta”, is a Czech professional ice hockey right winger for the Boston Bruins of the National Hockey League (NHL). He was selected by the Bruins in the first round, 25th overall, of the 2014 NHL Entry Draft.

Pastrňák’s father wanted him to play ice hockey. Following a lengthy battle with cancer, his father died. Pastrňák accounts this as the reason why he began practicing and training so hard, to make it as a hockey player for his father.

Pastrnak is a beast, and at age 22, he is one of the Bruins premier players. He is now preparing for the Stanley Cup Finals, and hopefully, the B’s will win it all.

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The FBI: Our Best And Brightest

According to congressional testimony, two high-level FBI officials has no idea traitorous agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page were having an affair.

Apparently neither official noticed the strong odor of bleach surrounding the two.

Two FBI officials who worked closely with Peter Strzok and Lisa Page had no idea about the pair’s extramarital affair, they testified to a congressional committee, even though they work for an investigative agency and considered themselves friends.

The two who did not pick up on any signs of an affair played key roles in the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private server use, which did not result in any criminal charges after FBI head James Comey drafted an exoneration speech before the investigation had concluded.

So these two officials are both liars and morons? Good to know.

A former undercover federal agent, Wayne Black [said] the officials’ blindness to the affair says something about the Clinton probe, in which important leads were allegedly not followed.

But it also, he said, suggests Strzok used his FBI-provided training in the art of deception to become a cunning liar, a talent turned against his wife, his colleagues and investigators examining his role in the Trump-Russia investigation.

Let’s not give Strzok too much credit. The man was a liar and a crook since birth, and if there is any justice in this country, he will soon be spending his free time in prison. We are either a nation of laws or we’re not. The Department of Justice needs to decide where we go as a country.

Weed Killer

A Georgia rapper was shot and killed after being passed a suitcase full of marijuana outside a local Pizza Hut. I had no idea that was a topping the Hut offered.

Tyree Jaquan Smith took a suitcase containing 15 to 16 pounds of marijuana out of Branden Denson’s Jeep the night the Columbus rapper was fatally shot in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut on Buena Vista Road, a detective testified Thursday.

Smith, 21, is the fifth suspect to be charged in Denson’s April 6, 2018, homicide. Denson, also known as Billion Dollar BD, was shot three times in the back as he sat in his black Jeep Wrangler about 10:30 p.m.

Show of hands: how many of you love Billion Dollar BD’s music?

Detective Robert Nicholas testified that surveillance video from a neighboring store recorded Denson pulling into the Pizza Hut parking lot and waiting there 10 to 12 minutes until another vehicle stopped beside him.

Three of the four people in the second car, a rented Kia, got out and walked to Denson’s Jeep, where two confronted Denson as Smith took the suitcase from the Jeep and brought it back to the Kia, said Nicholas. He added that muzzle flashes recorded on video showed the fatal shots being fired.

Unless Miami Vice lied to me, who the hell makes a drug deal by driving up in a Kia?

She Didn’t Mean No Harmon

Meet Chandra Danette Harmon.

Chandra is a defendant in a murder case, an while she is in her fifties, age apparently doesn’t stop her from living as a millennial. You see, Chandra believes the courts should give her special privileges, despite the fact she may have murdered someone.

One defendant in what federal prosecutors call a “murder-for-hire” conspiracy admitted to numerous bond violations related to drugs while another wants her passport so she can go on a European cruise.

Chandra Harmon — the mother of Tawnney Caldwell who, like Roberts, could face the death penalty if found guilty in Bobby Caldwell’s death — filed a motion to get her passport back so she can travel down the Danube River with a man who is not her co-defendant husband.

Pfft, the state is going to let a measly murder charge to keep Chandra from the trip of a lifetime? That seems rather petty to me.

Chandra Harmon has been indicted for aiding and abetting in the tampering of a witness by intimidation. Harmon’s husband James was indicted for aiding and abetting a felon in possession of a firearm.

Just because Chandra dabbles in witness tampering, intimidation, and firearms doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. Bon voyage!

Weekend Caption Contest

The Bottoms Up Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted on Monday, May 20th.

Original Caption: German Chancellor Angela Merkel drinks a dry ice cocktail designed by young students of the Junior University in Wuppertal, Germany. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

Missouri Store Is In A Real Pickle

A Missouri coffee house has created a most unusual dessert, and in my opinion, forever ruined one of the iconic items of our time. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you the Pickle Split.

The Pine Mountain Country Coffee House in Desoto, Missouri has created a unique dessert known a the “Pickle Split”, an oddly tantalizing ice cream dish that uses dill pickles in the place of the more usual banana. The umami of the pickle brine combined with the sweetness of the ice cream create a mouthwatering sweet and sour experience.

Shop owner Deanna Farrar said “It was just something fun and it looked pretty. I took a picture of it on the counter and within five minutes it started getting shares and my phone was lighting up.Then a couple of places called us and did interviews and we thought, that’s it, it’ll go away. It didn’t go away.”

I would not simply say no, but I would say, “No. No, man. Shit, no, man” to this abomination. Now your mileage may vary, of course, but I find this concoction to be most disgusting in every conceivable way.

The Cheeseburger Stands Alone

Meet Kyle Jamison Jones of sunny Jensen Beach, Florida. Kyle has anger issues, and in one day he incurred the ire of both NOW and PETA.

Cops responding to a reported 4:20 AM domestic disturbance were told by the 28-year-old victim that Jones “woke her up by slapping her with a cheeseburger.” During an ensuing verbal argument, the woman said, Jones pulled her hair and kicked her down the stairs.

While unable to identify any physical injuries on the victim, a cop noted that, “I was able to locate several remnants of said cheeseburger on her person.” The woman, who declined medical treatment, told police that she did not want Jones arrested, instead she “only wished for law enforcement to speak to him.”

Charged with battery, Jones was booked into the Martin County jail on the misdemeanor charge. He was subsequently freed on $1000 bond.

The only part of this story which interests me is the brand of cheeseburger. If it’s a plain McDonald’s cheeseburger, who cares? But if it’s something exceptional like Whataburger or Red Robin, then this man should have been hold without bail.

Another Dem Enters The Clown Car

Communist, cop-hating, tax-hiking New York City mayor Bill de Blasio has announced he will run for president in 2020. A nation yawns.

Democratic New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Thursday that he is entering the crowded 2020 field for president.

The field is now approaching twenty candidates, and none of them are even remotely qualified.

He said he’ll be running on the platform of “working families first,” and mentioned paid sick leave as well as raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

Ironically, raising the minimum wage to $15/hour will see employers cut jobs, which in turn will damage working families. You’d think a serious presidential candidate would know this.

De Blasio, 58, assumed office in 2014 and has become known for his progressive statements and policies. He has repeatedly said the “money in this country” is “in the wrong hands.”

Yeah, it’s in the hands of people who earned it, and nothing perturbs de Blasio more than seeing people being rewarded for hard work. This dope has zero chance of becoming president. To be honest, he should have zero chance of being elected dog catcher.

Not-So-Honest Abe

A Japanese professional wrestler was arrested after a bout of parking rage.

Pro wrestler Kenji Abe, 40, has been arrested on suspicion of assault after he allegedly slammed a man to the ground in a supermarket parking lot in Chigasaki City, Kanagawa Prefecture.

According to police, the incident occurred at around 6 p.m. Sunday. The physical altercation occurred after a dispute with a 47-year-old man over a parking space.

Police said Abe grabbed the man’s neck with both arms, then pinned him to the ground. The victim suffered minor injuries, including bruises and cuts to his head.

I guess it could have been worse; Abe could have thrown salt in the man’s eyes and pulled a foreign object out of his tights.

The Chasm Of Screams

Meet Jeymie Wescott of, well, guess the state. Jeymie was just trying to enjoy her Burger King onion rings, when she provided police officers with a Whopper of a tale.

Police were called to a Burger King in reference to “a female snarling and yelling at staff.” When officers arrived, they detected “several indicators of narcotics usage” on the part of Jeymie Wescott. The 35-year-old consented to a search of her “property and person.”

During a pat down, Wescott “pulled away” as an officer “searched the right side of her groin area.” The cop reported feeling “something hard in her vagina area.”

I’m guessing it wasn’t a dozen of BK’s chicken fries.

Wescott, investigators say, was “given many opportunities on scene to tell deputies what the contraband was in her vagina but refused to.” Warned that she would face additional charges if “the contraband was introduced into the jail,” Wescott “still refused to say what the contraband was.”

It was only after Wescott was at the Pinellas County lockup that she relented and “removed 7 syringes from her vagina” in the presence of three jailers. “The syringes had a clear substance inside.”

So basically, Jeymie’s vagina is the gynecological equivalent of the Grand Canyon. Oh look, she offers helicopter rides to the bottom of the chasm! Sign me up.

And before you ask, yes, I would probably hit it like the hammer of an angry god… not that Jeymie would feel anything.