The Skin He’s In

NHL superstar Marian Hossa may have to retire from the sport because, get, this, he is apparently allergic to his hockey equipment.

The Chicago Blackhawks right wing will at least miss the 2017-18 season, as it was announced Wednesday that he’s suffering from a skin disorder, which is being caused by an allergic reaction to his own hockey equipment.

The 38-year-old Hossa has missed 46 games over the past six seasons, but said playing right now has to take a back seat.

“Due to the severe side effects associated with those medications, playing hockey is not possible for me during the upcoming 2017-18 season,” Hossa said. “While I am disappointed that I will not be able to play, I have to consider the severity of my condition and how the treatments have impacted my life both on and off the ice.”

That sucks so hard. Hossa is one of my favorite players, primarily because he hails from Slovakia. His loss would be a blow to the NHL in general, and the Blackhawks specifically.

Terrorism Is Always A Step Away

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the airport… A man attacked a Flint, Michigan police officer from behind with a knife, stabbing him several times while shouting “Allahu Ackbar.”

The media still cannot find a motive for the attack.

A Canadian man yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ repeatedly stabbed the officer including in the neck at the airport on Wednesday morning. The saying is often shouted by Islamic terrorists before attacks or suicide bombings.

The police officer involved in the incident has been identified as Lieutenant Jeff Neville.

Neville was at his post at the top of a set of escalators at the airport Wednesday morning when he was attacked from behind with a knife similar to a Bowie knife.

The article goes on to say it is unclear why the Islamist was in Flint. Um, because Flint is in Michigan, home to Dearborn, America’s budding Caliphate.

Be wary of your surroundings, America. The fatwa has come to our shores.

Joe Doesn’t Give A Buck

There are few sports announcers I despise more than Fox’s Joe Buck. (Although Chris Berman gives him a run for the money.) This weekend, Buck’s idiocy caught up with him at the 18th hole of the U.S. Open.

Fox’s Joe Buck learned the hard way that golf broadcasters need to stay accurate even after the final hole.

As U.S. Open winner Brooks Koepka walked off the 18th green Sunday, he got a congratulatory kiss from a woman whom the announcer confidently identified as Koepka’s girlfriend, Becky Edwards, a former collegiate soccer player.

Only they broke up and the woman actually smooching Koepka was his current girlfriend, “Sharknado” franchise actress Jena Sims.

Close enough, eh, jackass? Your father must be turning over in his grave.

Oh, and not for nothing, but Brooks Koepka isn’t exactly a PGA superstar in the mold of Dustin Johnson or Tiger Woods. Yet he’s still landing crazy hot athletes like Becky Edwards and insanely gorgeous actresses like Jena Sims? Well done, sir. Well done.

Caught Pool Hopping

One of my proudest achievements is the fact I have never seen even one second of The Bachelor, so when I heard about an alleged sexual entanglement during production, my curiosity was piiqued.

Warner Bros. originally shut down production of the fourth season of the ABC reality series amid allegations of a sexual encounter between contestants DeMario Jackson, 30, and Corrine Olympios, 24. After launching an internal investigation with the assistance of an outside law firm, the studio confirmed the footage did not support claims of sexual misconduct by a cast member.

“Out of respect for the privacy interests of those involved, we do not intend to release the videotape of the incident.

Great, now I have completely lost interest in this story.

Production of the fourth season of the reality series was shut down amid allegations co-stars DeMario Jackson, 30, and Corinne Olympios, 24, engaged in questionable activity in a pool at the resort where filming took place. The cast had been sent home from Mexico as a result.

The rumor was Olympios and Jackson allegedly explored each other’s nether-regions with their mouths while they were in the pool, which was the style at the time. One has to wonder how much chlorine was necessary to sufficiently decontaminate the water. I’m guessing a metric ton.

Rocky Mountain High

Colorado, a state which is quietly catching California as the most batshit insane state in the union, has not only legalized marijuana, but is also ready to legalize texting and driving. What could possibly go wrong?

The electronic signs above Colorado highways offer a warning to drivers who reach for their cellphones: “New texting law fines increased to $300.”

It doesn’t mention texting while driving is now legal in Colorado as long as it isn’t done in “a careless or imprudent manner.”

The little-noticed provision softening the state’s standard is part of a new law that increased the penalties for a texting while driving carelessly citation from $50 to $300 and from one to four points on a driver’s license.

The state lawmakers who made the changes — and the law enforcement agencies that supported the move — argue the tougher penalties will deter texting while targeting the most dangerous drivers.

That’s a good point, because there are tough laws against homicide, aggravated assault and rape, and those crimes have been completely eradicated! Idiots.

The Most Corrupt Administration Evah

While the mainstream media is shrieking about “OMG TRUMP RUSSIA!,” you may have missed arguably the biggest bombshell of the year.

Judicial Watch today announced that the National Security Council (NSC) on May 23, 2017, informed it by letter that the materials regarding the unmasking by Obama National Security Advisor Susan Rice of “the identities of any U.S. citizens associated with the Trump presidential campaign or transition team” have been removed to the Obama Library.

The NSC will not fulfill an April 4 Judicial Watch request for records regarding information relating to people “who were identified pursuant to intelligence collection activities.” Specifically, the NSC told Judicial Watch:

Documents from the Obama administration have been transferred to the Barack Obama Presidential Library. However, you should be aware that under the Presidential Records Act, Presidential records remain closed to the public for five years after an administration has left office.

Wow, isn’t that convenient? The Senate Intelligence Committee has been suggesting they were going to tackle the unmasking scandal, then lo and behold, the records are immediately sent to the Obama Library and sealed for five years.

Say what you will about the OMG TRUMP RUSSIA! investigation, but an actual conspiracy is unfolding right in front of our eyes.

Flat Broke And Busted

Alyssa Milano is a hot little minky, but like many Hollywood celebrities, the beauty is only skin deep. Milano is a detestable person on social media, who routinely derides conservatives in general, and President Trump specifically.

With that in mind, I can gleefully place this story in the “It’s Funny When It Happens To Them” file.

In documents filed in the Superior Court of California, County of Los Angeles last Monday, Milano claims that her current woes began with the renovation of her Bell Canyon home.

That project was so poorly managed by defendant Kenneth Hellie and his firm Hellie, Hoffer & Co. claims Milano, that it ended up costing her and husband David Bugliari $5 million. The property is only worth $3 million now, and the court filing states that in the wake of this home makeover a number of payments that Milano owed began to arrive late or not at all.

The 44-year-old actress, who shot to fame on the television series ‘Who’s the Boss’ and more recently appeared on the first two seasons of ‘Mistresses,’ claims that she was left in the dark through this, and turned down lucrative projects not knowing she and her husband were ‘millions of dollars in debt and their credit in ruins.’

Ironically, Alyssa will now have something in common with the president; they can both file for bankruptcy! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Otto Warmbier Succumbs To His Injuries

Otto Warmbier, the American student detained then released by North Korea, has died of his injuries.

North Korea arrested Otto Frederick Warmbier, a University of Virginia student who visited the North as a tourist, in January 2016 for alleged hostile acts against the state. Pyongyang contends that Warmbier attempted to pilfer a propaganda poster. He was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor in a tearful public trial two months later.

He was released last week, but he returned home in a coma. Doctors revealed that Warmbier had suffered “severe injuries to all regions of the brain.” He remained completely unresponsive.

It will be interesting to see the reaction from the White House. Will we see the tepid statements common of the previous regime, or will the new administration take action against these murderous bastards?

His Acts Of Kindness Are Always Random

The news is filled with anger and despair lately, so today I am starting off with a really good story about a professional athlete.

In a sports world chock full of Colin Kaepernicks, you can literally thank God he gave us Tim Tebow.

As the crowds started filling in the stadium, a sweet girl with Down Syndrome and her sister came down the aisle where we were sitting at and stood at the railing waiting for an opportunity to potentially meet her hero. She held a sign tightly to her body which was apparent she had taken a lot of time to create. The top of her sign was dedicated to her hero, “TEBOW” with “Night to Shine” written at the bottom.

Just before the game started, Tebow was walking with another teammate back to the visiting dugout just minutes before the National Anthem was sung. Instead of taking a victors walk in front of the thousands of people who were yelling and chanting his name, he stopped and made a sharp turn towards our direction. Out of all the people in the stadium, Tebow singled out this one girl.

As he approached, you could visibly see Tebow’s face light up as he seemed just as excited to meet her as she was to meet him. He started off by asking how she was doing and then thanked her for coming out to the game to watch his team play. After that he carefully examined her poster and commented on how beautiful she was before signing her poster for her. It was evident to me that these 30 seconds of interaction with her hero meant the world to her.

It may be hard to believe, but there are some truly good people in this world. Tim Tebow is living proof.

Caption Contest Winners

The Wedding Slinger Caption Contest Caption Contest has now concluded.

Top Three Entries:
3. “They all said I had a disarming personality! What went wrong?” – Mike47
2. Although polygamy with his nine pregnant brides was a distinct possibility, there was some discussion as to who would be his #1 wife. – Proof

WINNER! – Wyatt is regretting sneaking into the all women’s commune and spreading his seed! – Metoo