Caption Contest Winners

Girl, Interrupted Caption Contest is now over

Top Five Entries:
5. In the competition to carry the most chairs, Suzy decided that in order to get one up on the boys she needed to use her head. – Phillip Clemmer
4. No, Tara, that’s not how musical chairs works. – Barry D.
3. No sweetie, that’s not what I meant when I said, “Take a seat.” – Sully
2. Which chair am I going to use today? Bisexual, pansexual, cupiosexual, Demisexual, blah, blah, blah— – Bicho Bill

WINNER! – All I really wanted was a stool sample. – RudyTBone

Mister Bookman Is On The Case

It’s straight out of a Seinfeld episode. A book enthusiast signed out The Loving Couple from a British library in 1952, and it surfaced sixty years later in a Croatian library.

A British library said a book checked out more than 60 years ago was finally returned to the facility after being found at another library in Croatia.

Vedran Levi, an employee of Dubrovnik Libraries, found a copy of The Loving Couple by Virginia Rowans in a bag of apparent donations left at the Croatian library.

He discovered the book had been checked out from the Gainsborough Community Library in Ipswich, England, in 1952. Levi mailed the book back to its original home with a note explaining the discovery.

Well, if my calculations are correct, twenty-five cents a day for sixty years comes to… $547,500. Better get your checkbook out, dude. You’re gonna need it.

Katy Perry Discovers America

Singing sensation Katy Perry had a wake-up call when she left Hollywood and relocated her family in Kentucky. After settling in the Bluegrass State, Perry realized Hollywood is not America.

Pop star Katy Perry is confessing something few of her elite liberal Hollywood peers would, saying moving to Kentucky has been an “amazing experience” because “it reminds you that Hollywood is not America.”

“I’m living in Kentucky, and I have for almost a month now, and that’s quite an amazing experience, because it reminds you that Hollywood is not America,” Perry told comedian Chelsea Handler on the Dear Chelsea podcast. “And you need to remember that. Because I think you can understand people better.”

Of course, Perry was never going to ditch her terrible political choices, but whatever.

Still, however, Perry has not abandoned her leftist political campaigning. She joined her fellow celebrities in 2020 to team up with Planned Parenthood for an abortion-themed ad campaign to push voter turnout in battleground states like Florida, Pennsylvania, and Michigan.

For the record, Katy Perry was at the DNC Convention in 2016, and a lot of my coworkers were downtown during the convention. To a person, every single detective there said Perry was extraordinarily nice and gladly took pictures with police officers and detectives.

No matter her politics, I will always respect her for taking time out to say hello.

Julia… In Concert!

So Julia’s Spring Band Concert was held at her school Thursday, and for the first time in – well, years – I was able to attend. Julia continued the tradition of Kyle and Erik, who both played for the school band. Kyle played trombone and Erik played drums.

Julia followed Erik with drums, and she is rather good at it.

It’s amazing how she can juggle so many activities – band, karate, dance, teaching herself to play guitar – and be pretty impressive at them all.

Princess P was very happy that I was able to attend, and she played out of her mind. Besides drums, she also played the triangle and the cymbal.

The band played four songs, including the Jurassic Park theme and Danny Boy. I posted the other two songs below, because she liked how she played the drum better than the others.

Ride Into The Noisy Zone…

Ah Delaware, don’t you ever change.

The Dover, Delaware Police Department has been getting calls from residents… complaining about the jet noise… emanating from Dover Air Force Base.

People call the police about the darnedest things. For example, cops in rural Maine have to pull cars out of ditches every first snowfall of the season despite Maine being one of the most snowy states on the East Coast. Likewise, police in Dover, Delaware still get calls about jet noise despite Dover being home to the military’s largest airport.

“You live in Dover … there’s an Air Force Base here,” wrote the Dover Police Department in a Facebook post on Thursday which was later shared by the popular Facebook page Air Force amn/nco/snco.

My home is two blocks from a small airport in Philadelphia. Lear jets, small planes, helicopters, and the occasional Osprey fly right over our house, all day, every day. We knew that when we purchased the house, and while it’s sometimes annoying, we never called the police about it.

“We can’t believe we have to say this, but please do not call the police department or 911 about the jet noise” from the air show, the police department wrote. “It is a complete waste of our resources and you are potentially putting people at risk who really need help.”

Agreed. Your insignificant noise pollution call could reroute officers to your home instead of to F. Joe Biden’s residence. Joe always needs help dressing himself, tying his loafers, and cleaning his shorts after he has another bowel accident.

You’ll Need A New Summer Getaway Now

Former Soviet KGB agent and man about town Vladimir Putin has banned nearly one thousand Americans and Canadians from entering Russia. Wow, Soviet Disney World is going to take a big loss this year. I was quite excited to ride the Gulag Falls.

Russia said on Saturday it had so far banned 963 Americans from entering the country – including previously announced moves against President Joe Biden and other top officials – and would continue to retaliate against what it called hostile U.S. actions.

Putin banned Biden, which is hilarious since F. Joe thought he was banned from Prussia.

The largely symbolic travel bans form part of a downward spiral in Russia’s relations with the West since its Feb. 24 invasion of Ukraine, which prompted Washington and its allies to impose drastic sanctions on Moscow and step up arms supplies to Ukraine.

Separately, the Foreign Ministry said it had added 26 new names to a list of Canadians it has barred from travelling to Russia, including defence chiefs, defence industry executives and Sophie Gregoire Trudeau, the wife of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Yeah, I’m sure they’re shaking in their boots. I know for a fact the Trudeau family was looking to spend the summer months in Utopian Russia, waiting in food lines for borscht, toilet paper, and soap.

True Detective Stories

So I started night work on Saturday, and while I only walked into a handful of jobs, there was one specific report which caught my eye.

You see, when you work in a large police division, it takes a while to figure out how to properly pronounce the street names. In my division, there is a Bouvier Street. I assumed the French pronunciation, but the locals call it “Boo-veer” for some idiotic reason.

Anyway, a rookie female officer was on patrol when she was assigned a domestic assault. The officer arrived at the location, completed the report, and sent the report to the division. The incident happened on Nedro Avenue.

While reading the report, I immediately looked at the location. The officer reported the incident occurred at Negro Avenue.

Yeah, someone’s getting a talking to this week.

Finland Takes A Swig Of Freedom

After Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, some eastern European countries started worrying if they would be next. Finland, for example, applied to join NATO fairly quickly, and it appears they will be approved. The Finns were so happy, they created a NATO-inspired beer.

A small brewery in Finland has launched a NATO-themed beer to mark the Nordic country’s bid to join the Western military alliance.

Olaf Brewing’s OTAN lager features a blue label with a cartoon version of a beer-drinking medieval knight in metal armor emblazoned with NATO’s compass symbol.

The beer’s name is a play on the Finnish expression “Otan olutta,” which means “I’ll have a beer,” and the French abbreviation for NATO, which is “OTAN.” The North Atlantic Treaty Organization has two official languages, English and French.

The company’s CEO states it has “a taste of security, with a hint of freedom.”

Drunk On Their Own Power… And Booze

Two secret service agents were sent home from South Korea after the two got staggeringly drunk. The incident eventually had to involve local police, and the mess could be seen as the dictionary definition of the Biden administration: drunks, drug addicts, and morons.

As President Joe Biden was landing in South Korea early Friday, two members of the Secret Service were being sent home after a booze-fueled incident that involved local police, according to a report.

The employees, described by ABC News as an agent and an armed physical security specialist, went bar-hopping after dinner and the agent wound up in a confrontation with a taxi driver.

Our best and brightest, people. Just like the FBI, the Secret Service is above reproach.

“The Secret Service is aware of an off-duty incident involving two employees which may constitute potential policy violations,” agency spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said in a statement. “The individuals will be immediately returned back to their post of duty and placed on administrative leave. There was no impact to the upcoming trip. We have very strict protocols and policies for all employees and we hold ourselves to the highest professional standards. Given this is an active administrative personnel matter, we are not in a position to comment further.”

The chances either of these assclowns are reprimanded? Zero. America is a two-tiered system now, and government employees are effectively exempt from prosecution of any kind.

This Story Is Peak Flori-Duh

A Florida woman was arrested after leading police on a vehicle pursuit, striking a police motorcycle, and then… throwing a snake at a deputy. All in a day’s work in Flori-Duh.

A woman is accused of throwing a snake at a Florida deputy after leading authorities on a pursuit that ended in a crash. Deputies said the woman was arrested after she fled from a traffic stop, then intentionally hit an MCSO Motorcycle Unit.

Moments later, the woman lead deputies on a pursuit that ended after the woman hit another patrol car and a truck carrying three people. When the deputy approached the woman, she threw a snake at him.

Thankfully it was a woman, because Florida Man would have thrown a different kind of snake.

Many thanks to the Pirate’s Cove for the link.