Jimmy, Wear Your Hat

NFL quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was seen courting pr0n star Kiara Mira this week, proving even the most terribly mediocre players can land a hot piece of arse.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was seen eating dinner in Beverly Hills alongside a famous porn star.

Garoppolo made his bones by winning two – TWO – games during Tom Brady’s suspension in 2016. For some perspective, Rosie O’Donnell could have gone 2-0 with that team surrounding her.

According to TMZ, the 26-year-old Garoppolo took Kiara Mia to Avra, a high-end Greek seafood restaurant. The two were seen walking arm-in-arm and even shared a toast at the table.

Afterwards the two left in the same car, and later her Instagram account referenced ‘date night’ and pinned her location as The Four Season’s Hotel Beverly Hills. It isn’t known if Garoppolo spent the night with her.

I’m no detective, but I’d guess Mira is what we guys would call “a sure thing.” The only problem is Garoppolo will be on the IR next week with a severe case of the crabs.

Mia’s work includes ‘Bra Busters 4,’ according to TMZ.

Who could forget that film’s multiple Oscar wins? I remember it steamrolling over Darkest Hour. :/

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He Is The Rand Poobah

Senator Rand Paul destroyed former CIA chief John Brennan this week, after the latter called President Trump’s meeting with Vladimir Putin “treasonous.”

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) had harsh words for former CIA director John Brennan after Brennan accused President Donald Trump of treason after meeting with Vladimir Putin Monday.

“Donald Trump’s press conference performance in Helsinki rises to & exceeds the threshold of ‘high crimes & misdemeanors.’ It was nothing short of treasonous,” Brennan tweeted. Senator Paul was asked about the comments Monday morning, and he didn’t hold back, broadsiding Brennan for being a “bigot” and voting for a communist for president.

“John Brennan started out his adulthood by voting for the communist party presidential candidate and showing himself to be the most bias, bigoted, hyperbolic unhinged director of the C.I.A. that we’ve ever had,” Paul stated.

“He called the president treasonous because he doesn’t like him,” Paul continued. “Brennan and [James Clapper] are known for wanting to expand the authority of the intelligence agencies to grab up everyone’s information including Americans and so I don’t have a lot of respect for these people before they decided to go on hating the president.”

Senator Paul can go a little off the rails from time to time, but he’s always solid when it comes to limited government and restraining power. If this specific case, Paul is absolutely correct; the nonsense spewed forth by Obama’s cronies and John McCain – but I repeat myself – are merely the cries of adult babies with full diapers.

My Lover The Car

Meet Tennessee’s Kelton Griffin. Kelton has a problem, and his solution is multiple girlfriends because Kelton has so much love to give.

Kelton Griffin picked up his first date and she allowed him to drive her car because she did not know where he planned to take her.

He stopped at a local gas station and when she went inside to buy cigars, he sped off, leaving her stranded. She tried calling him, but he blocked her number. When she tried to reach out to him on social media, she discovered that he had blocked her there as well. She then contacted her family to let them know what happened.

Then she received a text message from her godsister, who told her that Griffin was on his way to pick her up to take her on a date.

Say what you will about Kelton and his zany scheme; Cameron Crowe already purchased the movie rights, and Chris Rock is slated for the lead.

She’s Here… The Bat Man

The CW Network is developing a progressive Batwoman series which is “powerful,” “liberating,” and targeted at leftists. I predict this will be yet another CW series no one will watch.

The CW is looking to expand its DC Comics world. The network is teaming with DC’s small-screen universe mastermind Greg Berlanti to develop Batwoman as a TV series. The character of Batwoman will officially be introduced in December as part of The CW’s annual DC series crossover event.

Batwoman revolves around Kate Kane, who, armed with a passion for social justice and flair for speaking her mind, soars onto the streets of Gotham as Batwoman, an out lesbian and highly trained street fighter primed to snuff out the failing city’s criminal resurgence. But don’t call her a hero yet: in a city desperate for a savior, Kate must overcome her own demons before embracing the call to be Gotham’s symbol of hope.

Wow, a lesbian Batwoman is so hip and edgy. You rubes will be forced to care. Hollywood demands it!

Now, if the Scarlett Johansson debacle is the new normal for Hollywood, the actress cast as Batwoman had better be an honest-to-goodness lesbian.

The Legend Of The Horse-Faced Woman

Disgraced FBI agent Lisa Page turned on her equally unattractive paramour this week while testifying before Congress regarding the bullsh*t Trump-Russia investigation.

[Lisa] Page testified for two days behind closed doors about her influence on the FBI’s investigations into Russia and Hillary Clinton’s emails less than one week after Strzok.

Strozk denied that texts he exchanged with Page — particularly one promising they would “stop” Trump from becoming president — were indicative of bias that affected the investigations. However, Ratcliffe alleged Page contradicted Strzok in her testimony and even admitted that the texts “mean exactly what they say.”

“There are differences in their testimony on many cases,” [Republican Rep. John ] Ratcliffe said Monday.

A few media outlets are claiming Page is seeking immunity on further testimony. Normally I would tell her to go f**k herself, but if she rolls over on Strzok, Comey, and the rest of the FBI hacks, I’m all for it.

Swing And A Miss

You know, when I took my son to last weekend’s lacrosse tournament, I was drunk most of the time, brought a hot lacrosse mom to the room, and let Kyle get a face tattoo. And yet, I am still a better parent than Lindsey Teall.

Pole dancing requires incredible core strength, a high pain threshold and a good dose of flair. And it’s something that Lindsey Teall claims her children were ‘born with the bug’ to do, after pole dancing through her pregnancies.

‘I was pole dancing when I was pregnant with both of the girls and I think that when they were born they felt that they were already a part of that art,’ she says. But Lindsey isn’t the only pole dancer in the family.

Her partner, Jake Night, also dances and together, they’re teaching their three children to twirl like the best of them.

They’ve got a pole set up in their living room; the couple’s 11-year-old son Aiden practices every day after school.

If I read the article right, Aiden is the oldest child; the other two pole dancers are younger. I assume they’ll contract their first STD before they’re teenagers.

Your Feel Good Story O’ The Day

The World Lacrosse Championships are currently underway in Israel, and it took a near miracle for the Iroquois National team to attend the event.

It was touch-and-go for the Iroquois Nationals lacrosse team on Wednesday as they waited at Toronto Pearson Airport to find out their fate: would they be able to join 46 international teams in the World Lacrosse Championship in Israel, or would they be forced to remain in Canada, shut out from playing?

After fighting pressure from the boycott, divestment and sanctions movement and making a conscious decision to attend the lacrosse tournament in Israel, it was discovered that despite having booked their flight, they were unable to travel on their Haudenosaunee passports, which are not internationally recognized.

Former Yesh Atid MK Dov Lipman, who was contacted by Israel Lacrosse Association executive director Scott Neiss, played a key role in helping to resolve the issue as fast as possible.

Lipman’s message to athletes, musicians and artists who cave into BDS pressure is that those who have come have had nothing but a positive experience. “It’s a shame that athletes and musicians give into pressure from groups that align themselves with terrorist organizations,” he said. “I choose to celebrate those who have come, and encourage everyone to be like the Iroquois – they are an incredible example… and the ties between Israel and Canada [and how this situation was solved] is a positive example for the rest of the world.” (H/TAOSHQ)

Agreed. It’s nice to see the lacrosse world tell the despicable BDS movement they will not be intimidated into skipping the sport’s most important tournament.

Crime Is Rampant In The Twin Titties

Meet David Martinez.

David is running for the St Paul, Minnesota City Council, and in an effort to “get out the vote,” he posted a topless photo of his wife on his campaign page.

A St. Paul city council candidate has been arrested after allegedly posting a topless picture of his wife to his campaign website.

Thank Vishnu Bill Clinton never tried that!

On Monday, St. Paul police said David Martinez was arrested by officers at around 7:30 a.m. Monday on the 80 block of East Seventh Place in St. Paul. Police say he was arrested without incident for felony non-consensual dissemination of private sexual images.

Police say that on Saturday, they received a report that Martinez posted the topless photograph of his wife on the blog section of his campaign website. Below it was a link to the restraining order from her against him.

Sadly, I couldn’t find any photos of Martinez’s wife, because her attractiveness should determine the charges filed. (Kidding, kidding!) I do find it interesting most of the media reports of this incident either do not mention Martinez’s party affiliation, or claim he is an “independent.” Hmm, I wonder.

She’s Too Sexy For Her Milk

Meet Mara Martin, a 30-year old citizen model who was chosen to walk the runway at some insignificant Sports Illustrated swimsuit event. Mara has low self-esteem, so she decided to spice up her debut by disgusting the viewers.

The 30-year-old hit the runway in a bikini while breastfeeding her 5-month-old daughter, Aria.

Now before the “sexist, misogynist” hate mail starts flooding in, I have no problem with breastfeeding. I do have a problem with forcing others to not only witness it, but applaud it. This stunt – and make no mistake, it is a stunt – was conceived to generate buzz about a swimsuit show no one cares about. But hey Mara, you be you.

Martin, who’s from Monroe, Michigan, was one of the 16 finalists — which include a former maid and a security guard — chosen by the magazine’s open casting call at Miami Swim Week. Post-catwalk, fans flooded Martin’s Instagram with supportive comments.

“This is so powerful,” writes Haley Kalil, who won this year’s SI Swimsuit Model search and also walked in the fashion show.

Serious question: how is this “powerful?” If Mara tried this in, say, Saudia Arabia it would be powerful. In America, it’s something Madonna would have done in the 80’s. In short, it’s tiresome.

Come to think of it, I guess it’s “powerful” for Mara to walk the runway in a completely unflattering bikini which accentuates her flab, instead of her curves.

Caption Contest Winners

The Competition Is Heating Up Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. FEEL THE BURN!!!!!! – Cathy
4. What? The Hell! – Mike AKA Proof
3. Democrats create another dumpster fire full of allegations against Trump’s latest supreme court pick. – MelP
2. The addition of IED’s to the race has been met with mixed reactions from the fans. – Sully

WINNER! – Madame Pele cheers as the Race Against Lava gets underway near Halema’uma’u in Hawaii. – Mike47