Never Bring A Wife To A Gunfight

Meet Susan Kettell, of Sandwich, Massachusetts.

Susan is a rational, centered woman who spends her time enjoying the finer things in life; anger, alcohol, knives, and free-flowing boobies.

Susan Kettell, 39, of Sandwich, was driving a blue Ford Explorer on Saturday when police received a call from another driver who claimed the woman tried to crash into the victim’s car. Kettell then pulled behind the victim’s vehicle at a red light and began waving a double-edged dagger.

Kettell then allegedly got out of the Explorer and ripped off her shirt before running bare-chested toward the victim’s car while flailing the knife. The caller who contacted police, meanwhile, drove off.

Police stated it was unclear if the caller sped away because he was afraid of the knife, or afraid of the saggy titties.

Kettell, who police say was intoxicated at the time, was later found and placed under arrest.

The first sign of intoxication was most likely Kettell’s mug shot, above. Yes, that is her actual mug shot, and no, she does not look batshit insane at all.

Tasmanian Devils

A pair of Tasmanian police officers did a good deed by taking a drunk safely home. The officers did one better by taking a selfie with the tipsy man… for posterity.

Tasmania Police responded in a Facebook post to a viral photo on Reddit showing two officers posing for a selfie in front of a bed where an intoxicated man is giving a thumbs-up to the camera.

Tasmania Police Northern District Senior Sgt. Craig Fox said police don’t normally drive drunken partiers home.

“However police are always looking for a place of safety for anyone who is affected by alcohol,” Fox said. “On this occasion, police were contacted by a taxi company for assistance in getting the man home. When police arrived, they found out his address, took the man home and waited for a friend to arrive to look after him.”

Bloody good work, officers. Thanks for making the profession look good.

Wine Her And Shrine Her

In one of the more bizarre stories of the week, a California woman was killed after falling from a golf cart and landing on a pair of wine glasses.

Debra Debard was being driven by her partner, 57-year-old Richard Clarke, in an E-Z-GO golf cart on a private olive orchard in Wallace, southeast of Sacramento.

After Clarke made a left turn near the end of the orchard, Debard was unable to “stabilize herself” and was thrown from the cart. The two wine glasses she was holding shattered and Debard fell upon the fragments. She died at the scene, and Clarke was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Golf carts are not easily flipped. You have to be driving at a high rate of speed and you almost always have to be drunk to do it. I would know, because one tipped over on me during a drunken golf outing. I wasn’t driving, but I can tell you it hurts like hell.

Landing on glasses and getting impaled by shards, however? Yeah, that could ruin your day.

Largemouth Ass

Meet Mark Steven Jones of Clarksville, Tennessee. Mark and his friend Robert Earl Wilridge yearned for some quality time in the great outdoors, so they did what any country boy would do; they got hopped up on goofballs and went fishing.

Houston County authorities on Saturday charged two Clarksville, Tenn. men with several wildlife violations after they were found in possession of more than 40 fish, which was well beyond the legal limit.

The two men, Mark Steven Jones, 35, and Robert Earl Wilridge, 28, were each charged with three counts of over the creel limit of bass, illegal possession of wildlife and not having a life jacket. Bond for both men was set at $1,500.

The arrests came after a Houston County landowner reported two men trespassing on his property after fishing on Yellow Creek. The landowner told responding sheriff’s deputies, that when he confronted the two men, they “mooned” him and tipped over a portable toilet.

My father often took me fishing when I was a kid. I never had an appreciation of the endeavor because I thought sitting in a boat drinking all day was a waste of time. I guess it would have been more fun if dad and I dumped over a few toilets.

Tiger Lands In A Vodka & Water Hazard

Golf great Tiger Woods was arrested Monday for driving under the influence. This is the second time Woods has been caught as a DUI.

Arrest information from the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office shows Woods was booked into jail at 7:18am and then released on his own recognizance at 10:50am, meaning he did not have to post bail.

When they pulled him over, the officer smelled alcohol on Woods’ breath and said Woods became ‘arrogant’.

The officer asked Woods to blow into a breathalyzer and he refused, which in Florida results in an automatic DUI arrest and license suspension.

What the hell has happened to this guy? He had the world by the short hairs, was richer than god, and was the most popular athlete of his day. Then the dumbass cheats on the hottest woman in Sweden, and his entire world crumbles.

Eh, serves him right!

Kiss Of The Spider Woman

A Mexican mixologist manufactured a mouth-watering mixed drink which contains – wait for it – tarantula venom. It’s debilitatingly delicious.

Named in honor of the giant spider from the Harry Potter books, Aragog is an unusual cocktail made with a drop of tarantula venom, which numbs the tongue and causes a sensation “between tingling and cramping” in the throat.

Aragog was created two years ago, by Romeo Palomares, chief mixologist at the Luciferina Bar, in Mexico City, after being challenged by his boss to come up with a cocktail that would impress patrons.

While browsing the unusual wares of Sonora, Romeo recalls being drawn to the stall of a female vendor, who he asked about an interesting ingredient that he could add to a cocktail for an extra kick. She pulled out a dose of tarantula venom and encouraged him to try it, assuring him that it wasn’t enough strong enough to cause serious health problems.

Aragog is made with Mexican mezcal, Chilean pisco and Brazilian cachaça, mango juice, a touch of lemon and 0.05% tarantula venom per 500 ml of the drink. Palomares says that it’s not a cocktail for the faint of heart, not only because of his special ingredients, but also because it’s made with three kinds of spirits.

Not only would I not drink this contraption, but I don’t even like spelling the word tarantula, let alone spending time with one. I do wonder why Kevin and Kari never offered us one in Arizona last summer.

Shudder Amidships

Meet Paul M. Wilkins of Citrus County, Florida. Paul likes his citrus products, especially if they are dropped into his glass of beer. Sadly, his actions Saturday left a sour taste in his mouth.

A Citrus County man driving drunk crashed his car into the sheriff’s brand new drunk-driving awareness vehicle.

At around 10 p.m. Saturday night during Pirate Fest, Paul M. Wilkins, 63, of Crystal River, drove through a traffic control point at US-19 and Citrus Avenue. He hit a Citrus County Sheriff’s Office detective’s vehicle and pushed it about 30 feet into their new “Don’t Drink and Drive” patrol car.

Wilkins claimed he didn’t see the vehicles – although the police lights on both vehicles were flashing.

Keeping with the Pirate Fest theme, Wilkins was sentenced to twenty lashes with a cat o’ nine tails.

Sculpt This Man Onto Mount Lushmore!

A South Dakota man was arrested after pushing through police officers and firefighters to make a dramatic rescue from a burning building.

Michael Anthony Casteel faces one count of obstructing law enforcement and one count of obstructing a firefighter for the incident, which occurred Sunday.

The Sioux Falls police and fire departments responded to a fire at a multifamily residence. Two people were treated for smoke inhalation and released at the scene and a third was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation and burns.

But Casteel, who had registered .082 on a preliminary breath test, went back into the building to retrieve two cans of Bud Ice Premium beer. (H/T – Jim F.)

Wait a minute; Casteel risked his life for Bud Ice Premium? Dude, that is totally worth it! I hope he sues these (probably) racist cops for wrongful arrest…

A Stream Of Consciousness

Meet Melissa Karen Tippett.

Melissa lives in Jonesboro, Arkansas, a fact so depressing it has driven her to alcoholism. Unfortunately, Melissa has also driven while drunk, and has met many interesting people along the way.

Police said Melissa Tippett, 48, was driving her Ford Taurus without her headlights on Wednesday night, so they decided to pull her over. After one officer noticed an “odor of intoxicants coming from her,” he asked her to walk to his vehicle. That proved to be quite a bitch, as “she kept swaying and losing her balance.”

“Tippett would not spread her feet apart,” the officer said in the report. “I continued to give her verbal commands to spread her feet apart, and Tippett stated no multiple times.”

The officer pulled Tippett’s feet apart in order to search her. “As I was searching Tippett began to urinate, and my left hand was soaked in urine,” the officer said.

Wow, what a pisser. Ironically, the urine cured the officer’s arthritis, and cleared up her eczema.

Black (Russian) Mass

There are three things Belgium does right: waffles, beer, and Catholicism. Now a Protestant pastor is combining two of the three in the hope of expanding his flock.

A Protestant church in Brielen, Belgium, is using alcohol to keep parishioners happy and bring more people closer to God. After the last bar in town closed, church goers who used to get together every Sunday after mass for a cold glass of beer were forced to either abandon their tradition.

The priest announced that every Sunday, after mass, congregates were more than welcome to use the church as a bar and drink as much beer as they like, just like they used to before. He even had an actual bar set up in the church and, as soon as he ends his sermon, wooden chairs and tables with white table cloths are brought out to make the people feel like they’re in their old pub.

Parishioners can drink as much beer as they like, but the priest has set a few clear rules. The most important one is that you have to attend the mass in order to be allowed into the bar.

Confessions will now be much easier, since the hangovers may be substituted for ten Hail Marys!