Cop Drives Drunk Home, Then Again

A Saline, Michigan police officer drove a drunk man home from an Oktoberfest celebration. Seeing he was in no way able to drive on his own, the officer did the driving for him. Then, the stupid set in.

A friendly Saline Police officer gave an intoxicated man a ride home from Oktoberfest.

On Sept. 16, a sergeant with the SPD observed two apparently intoxicated people walking back to their vehicles. The sergeant determined neither man was well enough to drive so he drove them to one of their homes.

Wait for it…

Shortly before 1 a.m., Sept. 17, a Saline Police officer on patrol spotted a vehicle moving slowly on Ann Arbor Street. The vehicle turned on to McKaey Street where it was half on the curb and half on the road. The vehicle parked for a moment. The driver started again and turned on to North Harris Street without signaling and then turned into the Saline City Hall parking lot where he attempted to turn around. Police stopped the vehicle there.

This drunk driver was the man the officer originally drove home.

The Beer Must Flow

After a two-year absence, Germany is finally rekindling Oktoberfest in Munich and other cities around the country. It’s a shame what has happened to Germany; frightened by the pandemic, gave up fossil fuels, and begged Russia to sell them their oil. It’s going to be a dark winter for them.

The beer is flowing at Munich’s world-famous Oktoberfest for the first time since 2019.

With three knocks of a hammer and the traditional cry of “O’zapft is” — “It’s tapped” — Mayor Dieter Reiter inserted the tap in the first keg at noon on Saturday, officially opening the festivities after a two-year break forced by the coronavirus pandemic.

Germany should have halted Oktoberfest in 2020, but there was no reason to eliminate it in 2021.

The Oktoberfest has typically drawn about 6 million visitors every year to packed festival grounds in Bavaria’s capital. The event did not take place in 2020 and 2021 as authorities grappled with the unpredictable development of COVID-19 infections and restrictions.

Those worries were put aside this year. The city announced in late April that Oktoberfest would go ahead, and Reiter said Saturday that “it was a good decision.”

Of course it was a good decision. Politicians kept most Germans locked in their homes, and clamped down on their freedoms. Oktoberfest was the only way to get the country moving again.

I sincerely hope the Germans have a good time, because their future does not look promising.

Was He Driving The Powerful Mach 5?

Meet Michael Sewell of Clearwater, Florida.

Michael was just driving around town when he was pulled over by an eeeeevil police officer. The officer smelled alcohol emanating from Michael’s pores, and decided to break out the breathalyzer.

A Clearwater man who was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence had a blood alcohol level more than five times the legal limit.

FIVE TIMES the legal limit. How is this dude still alive?

According to an affidavit, deputies got a number of 911 calls about Michael Sewell, 42, driving a Nissan erratically in the area of East Lake Road and Eagle Cove Boulevard around 9:50 a.m. on Saturday, Sept. 10.

The deputy who pulled over Sewell noted his breath smelled like alcohol, he was unsteady on his feet and he had glassy and bloodshot eyes. He was unable to perform a field sobriety test.

I mean, sure, he shouldn’t have been driving after that much alcohol, but his hair is… perfect!

Cockamamie Amy Is Rather Quite Lamey

Meet Amy Ann Harrington of Madeira Beach, Flori-Duh. Amy was stopped for driving under the influence, and when she was asked to take a sobriety test, Amy decided to show off her dance moves instead. Sadly, Amy received a 4.5 by the Florida officer.

Amy Harrington, 38, of Madeira Beach, rear-ended another vehicle about a mile from her home on April 27. When Pinellas County deputies arrived, officers said her eyes were bloodshot and watery.

Harrington tried to walk a straight line during a sobriety test along a parking space marker when she gave up and started dancing.

She “struggled to follow instructions, and was unsteady on her feet almost falling,” according to arrest documents. Harrington, clad in a black skirt and white top, danced wildly in the footage, before she was asked to walk the line.

You may remember Amy from a May 1st post where she was also danced an Irish jig to get out of a DUI arrest. Arrested twice in three months. Well done!

“Do you want to pay attention so I can give you the instructions?” a deputy administering the test asked.

“Yeah, well, you sound like my ballet coach, so, sounds about right,” Harrington answered before busting a move.

Now this goes without saying, but absolutely yes… like a screen door in a hurricane.

Those Sneakers? You’re Soaking In It

A sneaker designer hooked up with Heineken beer to create “Heinekicks” sneakers where the soles are filled with Heineken Silver beer.

Dutch beer company Heineken recently teamed up with sneaker designer and customizer Dominic Ciambone, aka The Shoe Surgeon, to create a special sneaker with beer-filled soles.

To celebrate the launch of Heineken’s newest product, Heineken Silver, the Dutch brewer commissioned The Shoe Surgeon to create a sneaker that embodied the identity of their smooth, easy-to-drink new beer, and he delivered. The so-called “Heinekicks” feature the company’s iconic color scheme – green, white and red – as well as the Heineken logo, and handy bottle openers built into the tongues. But what really sets them apart from any other sneakers is the liquid floating in their transparent soles – actual Heineken Silver beer.

I mean, I guess it’s innovative, but until they get a mechanism to drink said beer, this is nothing but a waste of time. Wake me up when they activate the beer pump.

Milwaukee’s Best

Meet James Fuerstenau, a beer connoisseur which would put Laverne and Shirley to shame. James was driving through Caledonia, Wisconsin drinking some beers and having a good time, despite his driver’s license was revoked. Jimmy is not exactly Milwaukee’s Best.

Prosecutors say 51-year-old James Fuerstenau had open beer cans in his SUV at the time of his arrest. He is also charged with driving with a revoked driver’s license due to his prior OWI convictions, as well as misdemeanor bail jumping.

It’s difficult to believe someone from the Milwaukee area would be drinking alcohol.

A Racine County sheriff’s deputy made a traffic stop on an SUV reported for reckless driving near 7 Mile Road Interstate 41/94 in Caledonia. As deputies approached the SUV, the driver, since identified as Fuerstenau, dropped his keys out of the window and got out before being told to do so.

Maybe that’s where he got the lump, or tumor, on the top of his head?

Once in custody, per the complaint, Fuerstenau admitted to using cocaine and smoking marijuana earlier in the day, too. He also admitted to drinking what was found in the SUV while he was driving and said: “I was drinking and driving.” The complaint also states he told deputies he had been drinking since he was 9 years old and that he “drinks alcohol like it is coffee.”

Pfft, lightweight. I’ve been drinking Hawaiian Punch since I was six, and I never got arrested.

You Boys Like Mexico?

Lisa Harper, formerly the CEO of Gymboree and Hot Topic, wants you to know she can get you back into physical and mental shape by flying you to Mexico and… drinking beer?

Dude, where do I sign up?

Lisa Harper would like you to know that in a post-pandemic, you-only-live-once world, throwing back mezcalitas and cheladas for the purpose of inducing a hangover and then curing it with barbacoa tacos falls squarely within the definition of holistic wellness.

“When I talk about wellness, I don’t talk about deprivation or hard work,” says Harper, the former chief executive officer of retail brands as varied as Gymboree and Hot Topic, and current CEO of Belk, the North Carolina-based department store company with some 300 stores around the US. “I talk about it in terms of experiences that provide that much-needed mental and creative reset,” she says.

I believe my mental reset should involve 20-something Mexican babes…

Getting drunk in Mexico? That can do it.

None is more emblematic of this unique approach to wellness than the Hangover Experience—not something you’d find at a typical spa retreat, but a cornerstone of the resort’s new programming. It will focus not just on drinking, but also on a dish that Mexicans use as a hangover cure, cochinita pibil, and all of the ways that preparing and eating it can have a restorative effect.

So you’re likely paying thousands of dollars to get rip-roarin’ drunk and eating until your barf. Pretty sure I can do that at home and it would only cost me about twenty bucks.

I’d Drink If I Was Married To Her, Too

This story is a few days old, but I wanted to comment (read: laugh) on the sad (read: hilarious) arrest of Nancy Pelosi’s husband after he was found driving under the influence.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi distanced herself — almost literally — from her husband’s drunk driving arrest after a crash over the weekend.

A statement issued by Drew Hammill, a Pelosi spokesman, drew attention to the fact that the speaker was a continent away from her husband, Paul, at the time of the incident. Nancy Pelosi was the speaker Sunday for the commencement of Brown University in Rhode Island.

Pelosi apparently claimed she “had nothing to do with it.” Wow, that sounds like a very loving couple who would never rat out each other.

“The speaker will not be commenting on this private matter which occurred while she was on the East Coast,” the statement said.

Wow, that’s interesting, because when it’s a Republican getting in trouble, this bitch demands an explanation and suggests said Republican resign. It’s almost like there are two sets of laws.

Yo, Ho, Ho, And A Bottle Of Rum

A Pennsylvania State Police Trooper has been arrested after he was found drunk on duty with a bottle of rum inside the patrol vehicle.

Trooper Jared Johnson was on duty on May 12 when he was dispatched to reports of a deer in the roadway. Johnson marked himself at the scene at 5:06 p.m. and is said to have told dispatch that the deer in question was gone. The dispatcher had trouble understanding Johnson and asked him to repeat his information, with Johnson repeating that the deer was gone.

The complaint states the dispatcher ended the call, but noticed that Johnson’s GPS location showed he was off the Taylorstown exit, several miles away from where the deer had been reported. Concerned for his safety, the dispatcher notified a supervisor about the call and Johnson’s location.

Before you call the dispatcher a snitch, the dispatcher may have thought the trooper was injured or otherwise indisposed.

The supervisor drove to the location of Johnson’s unit on the GPS and found him parked in a gravel lot. The supervisor found Johnson in the driver’s seat with the unit running. The front of the unit also had damage from an apparent car crash.

Johnson got out of the unit and spoke with the supervisor, who noted Johnson had slurred speech, glassy eyes, and had trouble standing. The supervisor took Johnson’s duty weapon and put Johnson into the front seat of his unit. When the supervisor went to secure Johnson’s unit, he noticed a bottle of rum on the front passenger seat in a brown paper bag.

Well, if he wanted leniency from the State Police, he ruined that after he refused to take a breathalyzer test. That’s an automatic suspension of your driver’s license, which mean Johnson will be terminated.

Finland Takes A Swig Of Freedom

After Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, some eastern European countries started worrying if they would be next. Finland, for example, applied to join NATO fairly quickly, and it appears they will be approved. The Finns were so happy, they created a NATO-inspired beer.

A small brewery in Finland has launched a NATO-themed beer to mark the Nordic country’s bid to join the Western military alliance.

Olaf Brewing’s OTAN lager features a blue label with a cartoon version of a beer-drinking medieval knight in metal armor emblazoned with NATO’s compass symbol.

The beer’s name is a play on the Finnish expression “Otan olutta,” which means “I’ll have a beer,” and the French abbreviation for NATO, which is “OTAN.” The North Atlantic Treaty Organization has two official languages, English and French.

The company’s CEO states it has “a taste of security, with a hint of freedom.”