Sculpt This Man Onto Mount Lushmore!

A South Dakota man was arrested after pushing through police officers and firefighters to make a dramatic rescue from a burning building.

Michael Anthony Casteel faces one count of obstructing law enforcement and one count of obstructing a firefighter for the incident, which occurred Sunday.

The Sioux Falls police and fire departments responded to a fire at a multifamily residence. Two people were treated for smoke inhalation and released at the scene and a third was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation and burns.

But Casteel, who had registered .082 on a preliminary breath test, went back into the building to retrieve two cans of Bud Ice Premium beer. (H/T – Jim F.)

Wait a minute; Casteel risked his life for Bud Ice Premium? Dude, that is totally worth it! I hope he sues these (probably) racist cops for wrongful arrest…

Continue reading “Sculpt This Man Onto Mount Lushmore!”

A Stream Of Consciousness

Meet Melissa Karen Tippett.

Melissa lives in Jonesboro, Arkansas, a fact so depressing it has driven her to alcoholism. Unfortunately, Melissa has also driven while drunk, and has met many interesting people along the way.

Police said Melissa Tippett, 48, was driving her Ford Taurus without her headlights on Wednesday night, so they decided to pull her over. After one officer noticed an “odor of intoxicants coming from her,” he asked her to walk to his vehicle. That proved to be quite a bitch, as “she kept swaying and losing her balance.”

“Tippett would not spread her feet apart,” the officer said in the report. “I continued to give her verbal commands to spread her feet apart, and Tippett stated no multiple times.”

The officer pulled Tippett’s feet apart in order to search her. “As I was searching Tippett began to urinate, and my left hand was soaked in urine,” the officer said.

Wow, what a pisser. Ironically, the urine cured the officer’s arthritis, and cleared up her eczema.

Black (Russian) Mass

There are three things Belgium does right: waffles, beer, and Catholicism. Now a Protestant pastor is combining two of the three in the hope of expanding his flock.

A Protestant church in Brielen, Belgium, is using alcohol to keep parishioners happy and bring more people closer to God. After the last bar in town closed, church goers who used to get together every Sunday after mass for a cold glass of beer were forced to either abandon their tradition.

The priest announced that every Sunday, after mass, congregates were more than welcome to use the church as a bar and drink as much beer as they like, just like they used to before. He even had an actual bar set up in the church and, as soon as he ends his sermon, wooden chairs and tables with white table cloths are brought out to make the people feel like they’re in their old pub.

Parishioners can drink as much beer as they like, but the priest has set a few clear rules. The most important one is that you have to attend the mass in order to be allowed into the bar.

Confessions will now be much easier, since the hangovers may be substituted for ten Hail Marys!

Continue reading “Black (Russian) Mass”

The Chicago Way

Dozens of borderline alcoholics trailed a delivery truck which was dropping cases of beer during its deliveries. Apparently the driver is a regular Peed Piper.

Citizens of a town in Illinois were treated to a free drink after cases of beer fell off a delivery truck.

Multiple cases of Bud Light beer fell from the back of a Budweiser delivery truck on Thursday morning as it traveled through an intersection in Joliet at 11 a.m.

Passersby gathered in the area to collect the unbroken bottles as they continued to drop from the truck. (H/TAOSHQ)

I was jealous of these bastards until I realized they were grabbing up bottles of Bud Light. Oh well, I guess free beer can still be categorized as delicious beer.

Wine Her, Dine Her, Heavily Fine Her

Meet Judith Elizabeth Richards-Gartee of Lexington, South Carolina. Judith works as a substitute teacher, and like many people in the teaching profession, Judith needs a little something to take the edge off.

Well okay, a big something.

A substitute teacher at a Lexington 2 high school was so intoxicated that she threw up on the floor of the classroom and had to be taken to Lexington Medical Center.

The Lexington County Sheriff’s Department incident report claims the teacher, identified as Judith Elizabeth Richards-Gartee, 52, could not even stand up when a school administrator arrived.

“She had a box of wine in her bag that was opened, and students said she was consuming the wine during class,” the report said.

The report says Richards-Gartee was then placed in a wheelchair and rolled into the nurse’s office until EMS arrived to transport her to the hospital.

So in addition to being drunk inside a school, the Lexington Police arrested Judith for DUI. Heh.

I Know What You Did Last Somersault

bryelle-marshallMeet Bryelle Marshall of Dexter, New Mexico.

Bryelle is a cheerleader – shock – for the Duke City Gladiators indoor football team. (You can see them play on ESPN 8: The Ocho.) Bryelle is deeply committed to cheerleading – double shock – so much so that she performs her routines during the most inappropriate times.

Bryelle Marshall, 23, was spotted driving recklessly on February 17 in a car with an expired license plate, police said in a statement. She was later found passed out behind the wheel of her Volkswagen in the driveway to a trailer park, according to police. Her car was parked half in the driveway near a concrete wall and half in Zuni Road.

The officer began giving Marshall instructions on how to complete standardized field sobriety tests, “to which she responded by doing cartwheels in front of officers.”

According to the Albuquerque Journal, Marshall tried to kick an officer in the genitals after being taken to the Prison Transport Center.

Considering how limber cheerleaders can be, it’s surprising she didn’t try to kick the officer in the face. Mediocre, Bryelle. Mediocre. The body camera video of Bryelle’s arrest is below the fold.

Continue reading “I Know What You Did Last Somersault”

Winter In Canada Is A Real Drag

atv-towing-couch-through-drive-thruTwo drunken Canadian men – but I repeat myself – were arrested after they were found riding a couch… towed by an ATV… through a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Man, you can’t do anything fun in Canada.

Two New Brunswick men were arrested after riding on a couch that was being towed by an ATV. The unconventional conveyance was used to make a McDonalds run and ended on the frozen Mirimichi River where the two inebriated occupants of the couch were arrested.

“A MPF officer observed an ATV that was towing a couch, with two males sitting on the couch, going through the drive through at MacDonald’s restaurant. As the MPF officer approached, the ATV fled from the drive trough and managed to cross the highway then it ventured onto the frozen Miramichi River.”

Seizing someone’s ATV just for dragging a couch through a fast food drive thru seems a bit fascist, but this is Canada after all.

If this happened in Ontario I would be sending out an APB for Jenn, but since it occurred in New Brunswick, it’s probably one of the local hockey players.

A Boss With The Sauce

amanda-willis

Meet Amanda Willis or – where else – Florida. Amanda was chosen as her best friend’s Maid of Honor, and she helped her BFF celebrate her special day by performing her Jennifer Lawrence impersonation.

The Charlotte County ceremony has been described as beautiful, but when the reception kicked off, maid of honor Amanda Willis hit the bottle hard. The wedding pictures tell the story of a content couple, David and Jennifer Butler. They had their cake and first dance while Willis started drinking.

Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance. “She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Robert Templeton.

Willis backed out and almost hit the best man – David’s brother Brian. He grabbed on to the car and held on. “She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.

If I may quote the Gospel, “Let he who has not driven away with someone clinging to their car cast the first whiskey bottle.” Think about it.

Deputies said Willis claimed to be having an asthma attack and started shaking as if she were having a seizure. They took her to Bayfront Punta Gorda, where she exposed herself to deputies, assaulted two medics and kicked over her bed pan.

Now that seems bad, but how did she look when she exposed herself? I’m guessing crazy stupid hot.

Pax Romano

cody-j-romano-mug-shot

Meet Cody J. “Corky” Romano. The only thing Cody desires more than alcohol is, well, more alcohol. Thankfully for Cody, every night is crowd surfing night, and his stage dives are a smashing success.

A New Year’s Eve reveler was arrested after belly-flopping onto a Menasha Police Department squad car shortly after midnight, smashing the vehicle’s windshield.

The 25-year-old Kimberly man had been drinking and had already jumped onto a different vehicle near Oak St. and Nicolet Blvd. before police arrived to investigate that incident.

Dashcam video shows the man charging toward the stopped squad before leaping onto the windshield.

You can see the short, but hilarious, video at the link. Personally, I gave Cody’s dive a 9.5, but he only scored a 7.8 from the Russian judge.

Now She’s Going Up The River

susquehanna-river-near-york-pa

A York, Pennsylvania woman found herself in hot water today after she attempted to flee police by driving her vehicle into the Susquehanna River.

Police pulled into a York Haven boat launch Monday afternoon behind a woman, looking to arrest her for fleeing from them. Before they could, she gunned the engine, barreling into the Susquehanna River.

The acceleration from the black 2011 Subaru Outback propelled the SUV about 20 feet off-shore, Newberry Township Police Sgt. Keith Farren said Tuesday.

When officers tried to talk with the woman, she ignored them, Farren said. “She stayed in the car and continued to drink her beer,” he said. (H/T – Metoo)

So picture this little scenario: this lush is sitting in her car, which is slowly sinking into the frigid Susquehanna River, and she is ignoring police commands and offers of help until she finishes her beer. This woman will go down in the annals of Drunk History. Beethoven, Hemmingway, Susquehanna Sue.