Beat, Drink, And Be Merry

Meet Agenette Welk of – wait for it – Florida. Agenette has a beautiful face and an infectious smile, which she proudly displayed for her mugshot.

I would say, “I’d hit that,” but that would be both ironic and terribly inappropriate.

A Florida woman flashed a carefree smile in her mug shot — despite the possibility of facing manslaughter charges for allegedly crashing her car while drunk and killing a 60-year-old woman.

The accident happened in Ocala just before noon May 10, when boozed-up driver Agenette Marie Welk rammed into the back of a 2017 Hyundai Elantra with her 2011 Chevrolet Avalanche on US Route 27. The impact sent the Hyundai — driven by 18-year-old Shiyanne Kroll, whose mother, Sandra Clarkson, was in the passenger seat — hurtling toward the tractor-trailer in front of it.

Kroll’s car became partially wedged under the trailer, which was carrying horses. She suffered minor injuries, while Clarkson was critically injured and died four days later at Orlando Regional Medical Center.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this bitch won’t be smiling when she meets her new cellmate.

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That’ll Do, Pig. That’ll Do.

A drunken feral pig got into a brawl with a cow in Australia. Yeah, I never thought I would ever type those words, leet alone read them.

The belligerent porker went on a drunken bender after stealing and drinking three six-packs of beer that had been left out by campers at the DeGrey River campsite in Port Hedland, Australia.

In the predictable series of events that followed the animal went on to ransack rubbish bin bags to find some late-night snacks before starting a fight with an innocent eyewitness cow.

Following the boarish rampage the pig decided to swim out into the middle of a river before collapsing drunk under a tree and falling asleep.

Just like Teddy Kennedy; but with better manners and less odor.

Filipina Receives An Atomic Wedgie

There comes a time in every person’s life when they need to rethink their choices. For example, me and whiskey no longer hang because there was “an incident.” Of course, wedging yourself between two buildings should also raise a few questions.

This woman somehow ended up in this predicament during a boozy night in the Philippines.

Witnesses said she was trying to climb onto the roof of her home, but slipped and fell into the tiny gap between two houses. She was so wedged into the tight gap that she couldn’t get out – but was eventually rescued after six hours.

Neighbours heard her desperate cries for help and alerted rescuers, who initially struggled to get the woman out. But it was partly the fault of the woman herself – she was so hammered that she resisted the rescue attempt.

Personally, I would have left there to drown in her own vomit, but apparently those types actions are now “frowned upon.”

The Rabbit Died

A Mansfield, Ohio woman was arrested after allegedly sexually harassing the Easter Bunny. There was no word whether or not the woman’s Easter eggs were fertilized.

Trying to make out with the Easter Bunny isn’t appropriate behavior ― especially when kids are watching ― but that’s what police said an Ohio woman did.

Ladonna Hughett, 54, was arrested on Saturday after police said she lewdly propositioned and grabbed an Easter Bunny working at a carousel park.

When Hughett posed for a photo with the rabbit, she inappropriately grabbed the costumed character and made suggestive comments within earshot of families at the indoor park, according to local station WLW.

Witnesses reported after Hughett grabbed the bunny’s eggs, his “little bunny” was resurrected.

Jeepers Peepers

While your children – or more specifically, you – are recovering from this weekend’s sugar overdose, why not smooth out the sugar rush with some beer-flavored Peeps?

In the world of Peeps, the gummy spring sugar bombs are best left on their own. That hasn’t stopped people from trying to make many Peeps-flavored things, but Grub still has to hand it to Dallas-area brewery the Collective Brewing Project, which has finally given the world an answer to the question: What would Peeps beer taste like?

Collective Brewing Project co-founder Ryan Deyo tells the Dallas Morning News that they hate that beer “has become this super serious thing.” So, Peeps beer — a collaboration with local bar Lone Star Taps & Caps — is part of their ongoing mission to “assert beer should be a fun thing.”

The beer, called Peep This Collab, is a sour ale brewed with more than 30 boxes of Peeps, some vanilla, and butterfly-pea flower, which mixologists love because it’s a natural blossom that turns drinks a very unnatural purply blue.

While this may shock you, I am not a fan of Peeps. This opinion has ostracized me from my family and most of the civilized world. Having said that, I think I would try these, because beer – like bacon – makes everything better!

In Soviet Russia, Tank Drives You

A liquor store in Northern Russia welcomed a new customer this week after he drove an armored personnel carrier through the front window.

A man rammed an armored personnel carrier into a shop window before climbing through the rubble to steal a bottle of wine in a town in northern Russia on Wednesday morning.

The man had swiped the vehicle from a privately-run motorsport training ground nearby, driven it through a forest and into Apatity, a small town just south of the Arctic circle.

Struggling to turn around in a narrow street, the man, whom witnesses described as being drunk, proceeded to slam the tank into the window of the “Family” convenience store.

A liquor store in Russia? What are the odds? I do, however, appreciate the fact this Bolshevik plowed an APC into a store to steal one bottle of wine. It must have been something top-shelf, like Thunderbird.

Lieutenant’s Career Hit Some Ruhtz

Meet Christi Ruhtz, a lieutenant with the Pinella County (FL) Sheriff’s Office. Christi loves her job, her dog, and apparently, alcohol-infused motor sports.

A Florida lieutenant was suspended from her post after she was caught drunk driving by her fellow officers.

Lieutenant Christi Ruhtz, 41, of Pinellas County, Florida was reported driving in reverse and honking her horn around 2am Sunday morning.

Deputies arrived at the intersection at 130th Avenue and Wild Acres Road where they found Ruhtz alone in the vehicle. Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy. The officers had Ruhtz perform sobriety tests, which she performed poorly on.

Ruhtz did, however, perform very favorably in the talent and swimsuit competitions.

The Days Of Wine And Hoses

Say what you want about the NYPD; they always get their man beer.

Police stole $30,000 worth of booze as part of an illegal seizure at a Bronx restaurant — along with $10,000 in cash from the owner’s adjacent business, a lawsuit charges.

Rolando Feliz says he watched as cops from the 50th Precinct hauled off his entire stock of suds and spirits, from Corona and Negro Modelo to Patrón Silver and Hennessy — 124 cases in total.

Cell phone video obtained by The News shows beer, wine and liquor being packed into two police vans during the May raid. Vouchers were never turned over to Feliz or the Bronx district attorney’s office, and the loot has not been located.

Now, I’m sure it’s all just a simple misunderstanding. The officers put all the recovered items on property receipts, and checked it in to, um, the parking lot after the shift ended.

From The Drink To The Clink

Meet David M. Kilmer of Fishkill, New York.

David drinks too much, as a result of actually living in New York. Sometimes David drinks when he drives; other times he drinks during rehabilitation.

On Feb. 1, 2018, David M. Kilmer was stopped by members of the Dutchess County Sheriff’s Office in the Town of Fishkill. Kilmer was ordered to attend the Victim Impact Panel due to an alcohol related driving offense conviction on Jan. 18, 2018 in the Town of Fishkill.

The Victim Impact Panel, said the DCSO, is a court ordered program operated by Council on Addiction Prevention and Education of Dutchess County.

Attendees are ordered to appear after being convicted of alcohol or drug driving offenses. Kilmer was refused entry due to his alleged intoxication.

Kilmer claimed he did not operate a vehicle before his attendance and was advised not to operate a vehicle and call for a ride home. Kilmer was observed leaving the parking lot a few minutes later in his Chevrolet pick-up. He was stopped on Millholland Drive and was arrested for DWI.

So David is arrested for DUI, gets entered into the DUI rehab program, and is arrested after driving drunk to the program. Congratulations, Dave; you are officially the dumbest person in New York.

No Good Bead Goes Unpunished

The city of New Orleans discovered something shocking in their sewers last week, hidden among the gators, murder victims and the CHUDs.

New Orleans city officials said on Thursday that more than 46 tons – or 93,000 pounds – of Carnival beads were among 7.2 million pounds of trash pulled from clogged catch basins along a five-block stretch of a downtown parade route.

A representative from the city’s public works department did not immediately respond to a request for comment on Friday.

The removal was part of a four-month project in response to heavy flooding in the city in August. The effectiveness of the city’s drainage systems came under fire after an Aug. 5 storm dumped up to 6 inches (15 cm) of rain, causing street flooding and underpasses to fill up.

Maybe now Kanye West can blame the Katrina floods on the beads instead of George W. Bush?