Florida Is Looking Up

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is arguably the greatest politician in the union. The man exudes common sense, fights back against the woke mobs, and just signed a bill making alcohol to-go the law of the land.

Governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill into law on Thursday that makes to go alcohol permanent in the state of Florida.

Senate Bill 148, known as the beverage law, allows certain restaurants and other businesses to sell or deliver to-go alcohol under certain circumstances.

The law also requires the to-go drinks to be packed in a container and sealed by the licensee or its employee. The drink must then be placed in a bag or other container that’s secured in a way that would show if it was opened or tampered with. The container must also have a dated receipt for the drink and food attached to it.

To-go drinks that are delivered or transported in a vehicle must be placed in a locked compartment, locked trunk, or another area behind the last upright seat of the vehicle.

The last two paragraphs are pretty lame – if you cannot trust adults to transport alcohol, maybe you need to rethink the law – but otherwise this is a good idea.

This Bud’s You You… Bud

This is either the worst story of the week, or the best story of the week, depending upon which kind of adult beverage you prefer.

A Budweiser delivery truck crashed into a home in Ohio, after trying to avoid another vehicle.

A Budweiser beer truck crashed into an Avon Lake home at 125 Lear Road at 9:30 a.m. this morning.

According to witnesses, the truck driver was heading North on Lear Road when a driver on Electric Boulevard ran a stop sign and the truck driver swerved to avoid the other car.

Hmm, I wonder if Electric Boulevard is anywhere near the Electric Avenue?

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Who’ll Plead

Meet Natasha Nancel and Melvil Arnt of Nashville, Tennessee.

Natasha was drinking a bit too much, but thought she was sober enough to drive home. When she crashed into a ditch, she decided to call Melvil. The comedy writes itself.

Metro Police responded to a crash at 12:04 AM Thursday morning at 2020 Cooper Lane, to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. The driver of the crashed vehicle, identified as Natasha Nancel, was found outside her vehicle, and police note she smelled of alcohol and admitted to looking at her phone and swerving off the roadway. She told officers she had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at the Fox Bar just before driving.

Before police arrived, she had called her friend to assist her with her crashed vehicle. The friend, identified as Melvil Arnt, was observed by police while at the scene, and he admitted to striking Nancel’s crashed vehicle with his truck. He admitted to drinking “two beers” prior to driving.

Ironically, if this was Grand Theft Auto, Melvil would have received bonus points for striking Natasha’s car, but would have forfeited any extra boosts because the police caught him. Dumbass.

Here Rums The Judge!

Meet Oklahoma Judge Kassie McCoy.

Kassie is a hot little minx who likes to relax after a hard day of judging. While some people would simply curl up near the fireplace with a good book, Kassie “allegedly” drank an entire bottle of champagne and decided to drive home. It did not go well.

An Oklahoma judge—who raised concerns in 2019 when she gave a repeat DUI offender probation rather than jail time—was arrested on Sunday for DUI. News 9 reported Rogers County Judge Kassie McCoy ran off the road several times before finally stopping in a parking lot.

A Claremore police officer found Judge McCoy behind the wheel with her head slumped toward her chest. After admitting to drinking a full bottle of champagne, she was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. A breathalyzer test revealed a blood alcohol content of .35—more than four times the legal limit.

Wow, she must have been the belle of the ball in college.

McCoy drew criticism in 2019 when she gave Stephen Knoy probation after he was arrested for driving 115 miles an hour and having a blood alcohol of nearly twice the legal limit. It was Knoy’s seventh DUI.

Wow, it’s hard to believe a judge would show leniency to a fellow drunken traveler. I am shocked and appalled. Oh, as an aside, does everyone in Oklahoma revolve their lives around alcohol?

Would You Like Cuffs With That?

A Flori-Duh man was arrested after he was found sleeping in a McDonald’s drive-thru lane. Good grief, I knew they were slow, but this is ridiculous!

Oh, I should mention the guy was also hammered.

A 28-year-old man was arrested after “snoring loudly” and apparently sleeping behind the wheel in a McDonald’s drive-thru lane, an affidavit states.

The case of the dozing dude began about 3:47 a.m. Dec. 20 when an Indian River County sheriff’s deputy went to a McDonald’s in the 700 block of South U.S. 1 for a suspicious vehicle.

A deputy spied a man in a Ford pickup parked in the outside drive-thru lane “snoring loudly.” The man seemed to be sleeping in the drive-thru, as opposed to “Sleeping with the Enemy,” a 1991 movie starring Julia Roberts.

McDonald’s does not have a sleep-thru lane.

I mean, would it kill them to create one? Everyone knows drunks flock to McDonald’s after pounding a few beers. Let them order, then park in specific drunken lanes, You’d make a damned fortune!

Houdini Has Nothing On This Chick

Meet Jimena Gonzalez Ramirez of Flori-Duh.

Jimena was having a really bad day. She guzzled entirely too much beer, got stopped and arrested for DUI, then slipped out of her handcuffs, not once, not twice, but four times.

A woman arrested for a DUI managed to slip out of her handcuffs four times early Thursday morning, Lee County Sheriff’s Office reported.

Jimena Gonzalez Ramirez, 19, was caught drunk driving after crashing into another car around 1:24 a.m. on Alico Road and Jean Street. When she got out of the car, she was mumbling and struggling to stand.

Deputies took her to the hospital and then to the Lee County Jail. During that time, she repeatedly slipped out of her handcuffs.

Well, I guess that doesn’t bode well for suitors who purchase fur-lined handcuffs. That said, I’d drill that like a Texan looking for oil.

They Love The Pythons!

A New York woman was arrested after getting all hopped up on goofballs, stealing a reptile, and crashing her vehicle into a firehouse and two fire engines. All in all, I’d say it was a productive day.

A New York woman, Sarah Espinosa, 22, has been arrested for a rather odd offense after crashing her car while under the influence. That is unfortunately not particularly uncommon but she crashed her Prius into a firehouse while wearing a giant python around her neck. Beyond that curiosity, there is one aspect of her case that raises a question about redundant charging by prosecutors.

The most important question is this: since when did the NYPD start charging people for crimes again?

Espinosa is charged with stealing the snake from a local Petco and then later driving across a median, hitting another car, and then crashing into the New Hyde Park Fire House. In so doing, she damaged the garage and two engines.

But was the python okay?

She is charged with reckless endangerment, drug possession, DWI, petit larceny and reckless driving. My question is the redundancy of charging both reckless driving and reckless endangerment. The first would seem to subsume the second charge. (H/T – Mike AKA Proof)

The NYC DA probably added the second charge out of spite, knowing it would simply be dismissed at the preliminary hearing. And yes, before you’d ask, I’d tap that like Samuel Morse.

Erin Go Raw

A new shocking survey claims Irish parents are drinking more alcohol than usual during the Chinese Wuhan Virus lockdown. Is it possible to drink more than usual in the inebriation capital of the world?

ONE fifth of Irish households with pre-school aged children binge drink on a weekly basis, a new survey has found. Drinkaware revealed that the main cause of this binge drinking was due to stress or tension at home during lockdown.

Plus the fact that they’re Irish. I mean, this columnist has actually met an Irish person, right?

Drinkaware reported high levels of tension and stress contributed to an increase in alcohol consumption in Irish households during lockdown, in particular, those with young children.

Irish! Most of them drink slightly less often than Russians; and those Russians start drinking at 5am.

I mean, I guess it’s better they drink themselves to vomitous extremes than say, making babies in the kiddie pool at noon in front of the neighbors.

You Reepham What You Sow

Meet Katherine Lake, a (former) Physical Education teacher at Reepham Secondary School in Norwich, England. Katherine really enjoys her students; so much so she got shite-faced drunk, shared cigarettes with the students, and flashed her breasts while taking photos with the kids.

Married PE department head ­Katherine Lake, 44, downed eight glasses of wine at a school leavers’ prom and sat on one student’s lap watched by his stunned pals.

Later, she pulled her top down exposing her breasts while posing with five pupils in a photo booth, a disciplinary panel heard.

The flirty teacher, who also shared a cigarette with a pupil, was so smashed she fell over while trying to sit on a pupil’s lap, the panel heard.

Ironically, this woman is overqualified to teach in America’s public school system. Cripes, if she banged one of the students, she could easily be nominated for Secretary of Education.

Someone Give This Guy A Hand

The Maryland State Police had an exciting evening recently, after a pickup truck slammed into one of their police cruisers. The driver was allegedly intoxicated, but he also had some other issues.

Last Friday at 1:55am, firefighters arrived at the scene of a DUI crash involving a Maryland State Police cruiser and a building.

A Chevy pickup struck the police SUV first, and then headed right into a East Coast Investments office building.

At that point police apprehended the driver of the pickup, Dayton James Webber of Charlotte Hall, who just happened to be a quadruple amputee.

One wonders what the offender’s defense could possibly be. “Yes sir, I realize I have no limbs, but I really thought I could competently drive my truck after drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser.”