Someone Give This Guy A Hand

The Maryland State Police had an exciting evening recently, after a pickup truck slammed into one of their police cruisers. The driver was allegedly intoxicated, but he also had some other issues.

Last Friday at 1:55am, firefighters arrived at the scene of a DUI crash involving a Maryland State Police cruiser and a building.

A Chevy pickup struck the police SUV first, and then headed right into a East Coast Investments office building.

At that point police apprehended the driver of the pickup, Dayton James Webber of Charlotte Hall, who just happened to be a quadruple amputee.

One wonders what the offender’s defense could possibly be. “Yes sir, I realize I have no limbs, but I really thought I could competently drive my truck after drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser.”

Kroger Kriminal Kicked To Kurb

Meet Cora Hennig of Nashville, Tennessee.

Cora is a lonely, bored housewife with nothing to do all day but sit and drink. Cora doesn’t drink alone, however; she heads to the local Kroger’s where she lets shoppers enjoy the full Cora experience.

40-year-old Cora Hennig was charged with public intoxication after police responded to a brawl at Kroger and she blatantly admitted to drinking.

Whoa, this chick is only forty? Good lord woman, dial it back a bit!

On September 21st, Metro Nashville Officers responded to Kroger located at 800 Monroe Street in reference to Cora Hennig fighting with another individual.

When police arrived both parties denied fighting, but Cora freely admitted to drinking. Officers observed she had slurred speech, red watery eyes, and was unsteady on her feet. According to the affidavit, Cora is drunk daily on Kroger’s property or in that general area.

Readers, take a note. If I decide to move to Tennessee, make sure I steer clear of Nashville.

Just Another Day In The Big City

Regular readers may remember the trouble we had with out millennial next door neighbors. They were, for the most part harmless, but every weekend they held raucous drunken parties in their backyard. Their jackass friends took all the parking spaces on the street, urinated on our lawn, and kept the kids up with their caterwauling. They lived next door for about six years, and the day they moved we wanted to throw a party.

The house went up for sale and a Russian guy purchased the house. But instead of moving in, this prick decided he would rent the property instead, and make some money. Two very shady Asian men moved into the residence, and soon after, the Asians decided to turn the house into an AirBnB. The Asians still lived there, but they rented a room to virtually every vagrant in the tri-state area.

Our neighborhood is very quiet, and filled with a lot of police officers and firefighters. It’s one of the last decent places in the city, and the neighbors make sure it stays that way. But recently, the Asians stopped the AirBnB – apparently they never got a license to rent – and added another roomie – an Hispanic male – who is even shadier than the Asians.

(Oh, and before you start throwing out cries of racism, I am mentioning their race as personal descriptors, nothing more.)

Continue reading “Just Another Day In The Big City”

Bounty: The Quicker Liquor-Upper

Meet Bounty Cheramy.

Bounty was out for a drive through scenic Florida, taking in the salt air, the warm climate, and copious amounts of alcohol. Unfortunately, Bounty didn’t realize he was about to hit a giant piece of irony.

The 22-year-old was arrested for drunk driving early Sunday after allegedly slamming his Mazda into an electronic sign cautioning motorists to “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.”

According to a probable cause affidavit, cops found Cheramy outside his car around 12:30 AM on the Tamiami Trail in Port Charlotte on the state’s Gulf Coast. Cheramy’s auto had sustained “heavy front-end damage,” reported a deputy who also noted that “the county sign board trailer had been struck.”

Cheramy told police that he was talking on the phone when he “suddenly struck something,” but was unsure “what he had struck or how he hit it.”

Well, you struck the most appropriate euphemism for your alcohol problem, and you hit it because you made Lindsay Lohan look like a teetotaler.

You Can’t Spell “Sauce” Without ECU

Few people know which colleges are party schools more than perspective students. For example, Kyle has always told me East Carolina University is one of the biggest party schools in the nation. Apparently, that opinion is well-founded.

WITN reports East Carolina University police have already had to shut down 20 student parties, one of which was packed with about 400 students.

Classes started at ECU on Monday.

Classes started MONDAY! Did you even have time to unpack your flasks?

ECU police say they’ve partnered with Greenville police and dedicated four of their officers to patrol areas that could be hot spots for parties and virus spread.

Some students, like ECU senior Sarah Springer, are trying to stay away from the parties. “I couldn’t bring that home to my parents. I would rather kind of stay and hang out with a select few,” she said.

Dollars to donuts, Sarah is the biggest lush in her dorm. No offense, Sarah.

Amber Waves Of Grain Alcohol

Meet Amber Stovall of Raleigh, North Carolina.

Amber is passionate about pencil-thin eyebrows, construction workers, and guzzling quarts of vodka while driving the open road.

Officials said Amber Stovall, 32, of Rock Service Station Road, was likely under the influence of alcohol at the time. In addition to hit-and-run, she was charged with carrying unsealed wine or liquor in her car.

Around 3:30 a.m., the victim, a 43-year-old flag worker, stopped Stovall and other cars on Rock Quarry Road near Interstate 40.

Police said Stovall, who was in a white van, got impatient and crashed into the flag worker. Stovall fled the scene, but workers were able to chase after her van, and one construction worker jumped through her window to stop her.

Thankfully, there were not lit flares outside the construction area. Considering Amber’s obviously high blood alcohol content, the resulting explosion would have been seen from the International Space Station.

God Save The (Jim) Beam

It’s difficult living in England; the climate is unbearable, the food is frightful, and the politicians are dreadful. So it’s no surprise Britons are choosing Russian roulette during the Wuhan Virus lockdown.

LOCKDOWN has turned into a booze-up for Juel Stokes, who’s been sipping fizz for breakfast, downing beer in the afternoon and dozing off with a brandy at night.

The 51-year-old music exec freely admits her drinking has surged during the coronavirus crisis, and she’s not the only one.

This can be a net positive for me, because the more women drink, the better I look.

This week, research by Opinium for Direct Line Life Insurance found that more Brits are drinking more during lockdown.

An estimated 250,000, including Juel, have their first sip before midday, with the average drinker having 12.6 more daytime units a week and 14.6 in the evening. Twelve units equates to about six pints of low-strength beer.

Wow, if this keeps up, British livers will look as ghastly as their teeth.

Where The Beer And Antelope Play

Okay, maybe I was a little hard on Ohio, because if this is what happens there, I should renege many of my snide comments about the Buckeye State.

The tooth fairy may not be real, but thankfully there’s a beer fairy.

A woman in Ohio was recently surprised to find a couple of mysterious care packages appearing on her doorstep. When she checked her doorbell camera to find out who dropped off the gifts, she probably wasn’t expecting to see what the cameras had captured:

Brooke Baxter, from Tallmadge, recorded two videos off the mysterious care packages being dropped off at her house, and later shared them on her Facebook page. Normally, it would be disconcerting to see someone dressed as a pig had visited your house in the middle of the night, but at least this mysterious person came bearing gifts.

I’m guessing the homeowner is very pretty, because during a countrywide lockdown, no man is giving up his beer for just anyone.

The Hero The Quarantine Needs

While most of the world is quarantined inside their homes, one intrepid architect decided to stop whining and start “wining.”

Construction architect Murray Berrill quite cleverly transformed a plain wooden staircase into a really convenient wine cellar. Berrill used the dead space under six of the steps to create side-by-side drawers that easily open to reveal space for 156 bottles of wine (13 bottles per step). Needless to say, Berrill was quite proud of his craftsmanship.

“Ok, here’s one for the wine lovers. What to do with dead space under the stairs? Create an easy access wine cellar. Proud of this one.”

Raise your hand if you need one of these right freakin’ now.

He’s The Hero Ireland Deserves

The employees of the Hatfield House pub in Belfast have begun a delivery service to their customers now that all bars have been closed. Hatfield House will now deliver fresh pints of Guinness for anyone interested.

On an unrelated note, I’ll be flying to Ireland this weekend.

The Hatfield House on Ormeau Road in south Belfast has been delivering freshly-poured pints of Guinness to customers across the Northern Irish capital since the coronavirus pandemic prompted the temporary closure of all pubs.

Using a state-of-the-art van kitted out with a portable tap system, the service was created to help cater to those missing the distinctive taste of a perfectly poured pint of the black stuff.

Customers simply call up Hatfield House, place their orders the day before delivery and, before they know it, a fresh pint of Guinness is on its way.

Mobile bar staff are also careful to ensure it’s a contact-free service too, with drinks poured on location into plastic glasses by bar staff wearing latex gloves which are then left on the doorstep.

Wow, I really have to limit my Irish-bashing, because these people are freakin’ amazing. Well done lads. Well done.