Arrest Me, Arrest Me!

A gaggle of female U.K. prison guards were either fired or resigned after they were allegedly having sex with male prisoners while on duty.

At least 18 female guards in the U.K.’s “cushiest prison” have reportedly been fired or resigned amid a flurry of sordid sexual accusations — including claims of sex inside cells and one guard smuggling her underwear to an inmate.

HMP Berwyn, which is also Britain’s largest facility, has been hit with various claims of illicit affairs and inappropriate relationships between guards and inmates since it opened in 2017, with three former workers sentenced in a 2019 scandal, the Mirror reported.

Okay, most of these female guards are mostly hot, and in the U.K. I could probably get into this cushy prison simply by saying, “Meghan Markle isn’t actually black!” Seems like a win-win to me.

British outlets are reporting that the 18 women who were fired or resigned from a single jail is a “record,” noting that since 2019, a total of 31 women across England and Wales have been fired from jails for intimate relationships with inmates.

I mean, good for the prisoners, but maybe HMP Berwyn should be a little more strict with their hiring practices. Bringing in young, crazy attractive female guards to oversee young thugs is a recipe for disaster.

Ich Bin Ein Naked Berliner

After a discrimination complaint filed by a German woman, Berlin will now allow all men and women go topless in the city’s swimming pools.

And before you say it, I know there will be good naked and bad naked.

The new bathing rules allowing everyone to go swimming without covering their torsos followed a discrimination complaint by a woman who was not allowed to go topless in a swimming pool in the capital.

I guess it’s better than other countries, because many German women are usually attractive.

The woman, whose identity was not revealed, had turned to the senate’s ombudsperson’s office for equal treatment to demand that women, like men, can swim topless, the Berlin senate for justice, diversity and anti-discrimination said in a written statement.

In reaction to the complaint and the ombudsman’s involvement in the case, the Berliner Baederbetriebe, which runs the city’s public pools, decided to change its clothing rules, the statement said.

Eh, I figure everyone will make their own choices. They’ll either ogle at the toplessness or get up and walk away at the drooping.

Yeah Baby!

According to a new survey in the United Kingdom, one fourth of Britons have broken their beds during sex. The only time I did that was years ago when I was a big fatty.

A quarter of randy Brits have broken their bed during an energetic sex session, a survey has revealed. Younger lovers are most likely to claim their pit failed to take the strain during a romp.

What exactly are they doing that would break a bed? Are the literally jumping on top of each other?

Some 44 per cent of Gen Z lovers — the 18 to 24 age group — complained of cracked headboards, popped mattress springs and snapped bed legs.

More than a third of Millennials — those aged 25 to 39 — said they had damaged a bed during a bonk, falling to 20 per cent of 40 to 55-year-olds, known as Generation X.

I mean, are these people morbidly obese, or are they jumping on the bed so often that they snap?

I will say this; I’d wager Kate Middleton is great in bed, while Meghan Markle just sits there.

Raquel Welch, 1940-2023

The planet is not as beautiful as it was a few days ago.

Raquel Welch, model, actress, and entrepreneur has passed away at the age of 82.

Raquel Welch had only three lines in the 1966 film “One Million Years B.C.,” but her doeskin bikini did all the talking anyway, launching her as an international icon almost overnight. She parlayed that notoriety into a Hollywood career that burned bright for nearly 60 years.

Welch died Wednesday, according to her management company, Media Four.

If you ask me, Welch was one of the top ten most beautiful women who ever graced the Earth.

“Raquel Welch, the legendary bombshell actress of film, television and stage, passed away peacefully early this morning after a brief illness,” said a statement from Media Four. “Her career spanned over 50 years starring in over 30 films and 50 television series and appearances. The Golden Globe winner, in more recent years, was involved in a very successful line of wigs.”

Rest in Peace, Raquel. The world won’t be the same without you.

Come For The Cold, Stay For Her Warmth

A new survey took a look at dating scenes in different cities across America. Apparently, if you’re looking for some single women, you’re best bet is heading to Buffalo, New York. Wait, what???

The Thriving Center of Psychology recently published a new survey on dating trends combined with 2021 U.S. Census data to find out where the more than 127 million single people 18 years and older living in America can be found.

They examined the 100 most populous cities in the country and ranked the cities on average per capita.

The Queen City ranked first in the most single women in the country and third in the most single residents overall. The only cities with more singletons were Richmond, VA and Pittsburgh, PA.

Well, in fairness, Pittsburgh residents eat sandwiches with French fries inside the sandwich. Hard. Pass.

Physics Teacher Gets Physical

Meet Kirsty Buchan, a former teacher from Glasgow, Scotland, who finally decided to quit her profession after claiming the school was a “war zone.”

Kirsty left her teaching gig in order to start an Only Fans account.

A teacher who quit her job after parents and pupils discovered she had a sideline selling explicit pictures on OnlyFans says the “warzone” school forced her to choose a secret porn career.

Kirsty Buchan, 33, left her post at Bannerman High School in Baillieston, Glasgow, after content from her Only Fans site were circulated among students. But she says she’s better off out of the school where staff are being regularly attacked and inter-gang brawls are part of everyday life.

She blinded me with science… and boobs.

“Some people are saying I must be mad to go from being a physics teacher to selling nude photos online,” Kirsty told the Daily Record, “but it has become very clear to me that I was insane to stick at that job for six years under the strain that I was facing every day”.

She said it wasn’t a difficult decision to sign up after reading of “other teachers earning £50,000 a month” on the site.

Hmm, I wonder if I can quit my job and get an Only Fans account? Of course, no women would ever stop by, thanks to my troll-like features.

Every American Male’s Dream Girl

Meet the lovely and talented Annika Nadine Hustler. Annika is a Marine Corps veteran who lost most of her right leg from cancer. Annika didn’t complain or whine, and decided she was going to live life to the fullest. She did so at the Los Angeles Lakers game Monday.

Annika Nadine Hutsler may have been attending her first basketball game at Crypto.com Arena on Monday, but she made sure to get off on the right foot with Lakers faithful.

Hutsler, a United States Marine Corps veteran who lost her leg in a battle with cancer, found herself on the jumbotron and made the most of her opportunity.

This was the moment Annika became an American icon.

She downed a beer from her prosthetic leg to raucous cheers from the crowd, as shown in a video posted to Twitter by Associated Press reporter Greg Beacham.

“Needless to say, she was named the fan of the game,” Beacham added.

After that fabulous chug, Annika should never have to pay for a beer for the rest of her life.

You can see the video here.

They All Rise For This Judge

Meet Vivian Poliana, a crazy stupid hot Colombian judge who is now under suspension after she appeared on a CCTV court hearing half naked.

A Colombian judge was suspended for three months after she conducted a court hearing half-naked from bed while smoking a cigarette.

Judge Vivian Polania violated several administrative regulations, the Judicial Disciplinary Commission in Norte de Santander ruled this week following the incident, news outlet Infobae reported.

I have no problem with this, because Philly’s female judges look like Rosa Delauro.

The scantily-clad judge, 34, appeared on a Zoom call in what seemed to be her underwear while overseeing a hearing about a car bombing aimed at an army brigade, and the raunchy clip quickly went viral, prompting the investigation into her behaviour.

The disciplinary panel’s lengthy 16-page ruling read: “Such a situation is not consistent with the care, respect and circumspection with which a judge of the republic must administer justice, denoting a clear lack of respect from the official.”

I get that, but it’s Colombia for cripes’ sake. It’s the hub of corruption, drug cartels, and car bombings. They can talk about decorum all they want, but the country has been a hot mess for decades now.

Greatest. Birthday. Evah!

A Dallas, Texas man celebrated his 100th birthday by going to a Dallas strip club, with the help of his daughter.

Gioacchino “Jack” Poma asked to go to the club when he hit 100, and his daughter made all the arrangements.

This past weekend, one man in Dallas officially turned 100-years-old, which is Gioacchino “Jack” Poma. According to TMZ, Jack’s daughter Dina helped him celebrate, by taking him to a local strip club, in the city. This was at The Lodge.

However, Dina explained how much that Jack is into women, as well as certain features of theirs. As a result, he also explained how he hadn’t been to a strip club since he was much younger, so this was a birthday plan that he was very interested in making happen.

Say what you will, but I believe if you make it to 100, you can do whatever you like.

A group of dancers happily welcomed Jack into The Lodge, as birthday cake and pepper pasta were brought out. He was also seen receiving a lap dance from of the dancers, as he appeared to have one of the best birthdays of his life.

Good for him, and good for his daughter to let Jack have a terrific evening.

Oh, the manager at the club said Jack is welcome back anytime.

Bali Monkey Really Likes Boobs

Meet Paula Manzanal, the former Miss Peru 2014.

Paula was visiting Bali for some inexplicable reason, and while there a horny monkey kept trying to pull down her tube top. Apparently, the monkey didn’t have its milk quota that afternoon.

A cheeky monkey tried its hardest to expose a model’s breasts in Bali by pulling her top down.

Not for nothing, but I’d probably like to do the same. Is that wrong?

Video shows Peruvian model Paula Manzanal, 28, posing next to the monkey at the Ubud Monkey Forest – only for the animal to reach out and try and pull down her black strapless top. Manzanal, who won Miss Peru in 2014, is seen looking down at the monkey, which was sat on a wall, and trying to move its hand away from her breasts.

But the monkey, a gray long-tailed macaque, slapped Manzanal’s face as she tried to stop the animal from exposing her.

Here’s hoping Paula didn’t get a case of monkeypox.