Make Russia Hot Again

Meet Ksenia Sobchak. Ksenia has announced her intention to unseat Vladimir Putin as Russian President. Well, rest is peace, I guess.

Russian journalist, former reality show host and socialite Ksenia Sobchak announced Wednesday that she intends to stand for president in 2018 as an opposition candidate.

“My name is Ksenia Sobchak. I am standing for president,” she wrote on a website announcing her bid, declaring that her campaign slogan is “I am the ‘none of the above’ candidate.”

President Vladimir Putin has not yet announced his expected candidacy.

In a letter published on the website of Vedomosti business daily, Sobchak said she realised she would be viewed as an unlikely candidate. But she vowed that she would support opposition leader Alexei Navalny and call for him to be allowed to stand, after electoral authorities have said he is not eligible due to him serving a suspended sentence for fraud.

Sobchak is considered the Paris Hilton of Russia, and comes from old, old money. That said, going against Putin and declaring support for Putin’s top rival is not the best idea if one wants to maintain good health and long life. Although it would be great to finally be rid of that KGB bastard.

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Welcome To Fantasy Island!

An island resort in Colombia is offering the vacation of a lifetime, including alcohol, drugs, and a gaggle of primo hoors. In other words, you can live like me for a weekend.

A firm offering X-rated holidays has brazenly advertised packages featuring orgies with prostitutes on a ‘drug friendly’ Colombian island. Two videos advertising the resort show men arriving for unlimited sex, drugs and alcohol.

One erotic video promoting the trips – described as a ‘sex island experience’ – shows a man arriving at a villa, where he is greeted by scantily clad girls. Another shows a balding man walking into his room to discover four naked women lying face down on his bed.

It also shows dozens of bikini-clad models gyrating on a boat, while a caption on the screen boasts: ‘Unlimited sex included’.

On the second day of the four-day sex fest clients will have half an hour with 16 women at once – and organisers say customers will be able to find their ‘true self’.

Sixteen hoors at once? Yeah, I’ll find my true self just in time to die from exhaustion.

Hugh Hefner, 1926-2017

Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy Magazine and hero to millions of teenage boys the world over, has died at the age of 91.

I knew something was wrong when my morning wood was at half-mast.

Hefner was born on April 9, 1926 in Chicago, Illinois, and went on to become a millionaire after founding the influential men’s magazine in 1953. Hefner’s death was confirmed in a statement from Playboy Enterprises that said he ‘passed away today from natural causes at The Playboy Mansion, surrounded by loved ones.’

Hef was also surrounded by Viagra, Gatorade, and Astro-glide.

Hefner’s son, Cooper Hefner, who is also the chief creative officer of Playboy Enterprises, said: ‘My father lived an exceptional alife as a media and cultural pioneer and a leading voice behind some of the most significant social and cultural movements of our time in advocating free speech, civil rights and sexual freedom.

Yes he did, right up until that unfortunate Rhea Perlman pictorial. Rest in peace, Hef. As my cousin said to me this morning, there is no way you went to a better place.

Emily Blunt

Crazy stupid hot supermodel Emily Ratajkowski may be a moonbatty Bernie Sanders supporter, but she certainly knows what a guy wants. In this particular instance, guys want to see her bodacious ta-tas in all their natural glory; not airbrushed into oblivion.

The US model and actress Emily Ratajkowski has called out a French magazine for reducing her lips and breasts in a photograph for an interview which deals with the discrimination she says she has faced for “being too sexy.”

“I was extremely disappointed to see my lips and breasts altered in Photoshop on this cover,” the 26-year-old told her near 15 million followers on Instagram.

“There’s this thing that happens to me: ‘Oh, she’s too sexy’,” Ratajkowski was quoted in an interview with Harper’s Bazaar. “It’s like an anti-woman thing, that people don’t want to work with me because my boobs are too big. What’s wrong with boobs? They’re a beautiful feminine thing that needs to be celebrated.”

Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Hey, I didn’t get a “harrumph” out of that guy!

Madame Figaro’s cover image of Ratajkowski wearing a black leather beret and an open coat appeared to have been altered to thin her lips and lift and reduce the size of her breasts. (H/TAOSHQ)

This, my friends, is a crime against humanity, and I demand the staff at Madame Figaro be brought before the U.N.’s International Court of Justice in shackles!

The Dead Sea Moll

Meet nude model Marisa Papen. Marisa is doing her part to spread awareness for women’s rights by spreading her legs in Islamic countries.

Papen was arrested at the Karnak Temple in Luxor and was thrown in the cells by cops in the country in April this year. But the Belgian beauty has said that the experience won’t stop her posing nude and continuing to push the boundaries in her drive for women’s equality.

The 25-year-old told The Sun Online: “Posing by the West Bank Wall in Palestine would be amazing.”

You know what else would be amazing? Your medical bills after the Palestinians stone you, but hey, it’s not my job to keep people from killing themselves.

Other countries Marisa has ambitions to visit are Iran, Iraq and Yemen in her campaign for female freedom.

Iraq??? Okay, I take that back. Papen is already effectively dead. Rest in peace, you twit.

Yearn The Witch

Meet New Zealand’s Shaney Marie.

Shaney is a former stripper – shock – who has traded lap dances and protein stains for a new career as a “sex witch.”

A former stripper has reinvented herself as a SEX WITCH – and is now an expert in orgasm-boosting spells. Shaney Marie, 31, has swapped her sleazy career for a new life helping couples and dissatisfied singletons have more fulfilling sex lives.

The New Zealander was inspired to make the change after realising her male customers at the strip club weren’t looking for boobs to ogle, they were looking for a deeper meaning of their own life.

False. We are looking for boobs to ogle. This woman lost all credibility by the third paragraph. Sad!

Shaney, who classes herself as both pansexual, which means not being limited by gender, and eco-sexual, which means finding nature and the earth sexual, claims a gust of wind can turn her on.

Maybe that explains the “flooding” during Hurricane Harvey. Zing.

Topless Of The World, Ma!

Tomorrow is National Go Topless Day, and as a result, women who have no business going topless will be protesting for that very right.

Gird your eyes, gentlemen; gird your eyes.

There will 40 protests around the world this weekend that don’t concern white supremacy, Donald Trump or freedom of speech. This one is about the right for women to go topless in public without fear of arrest or shame.

It’s all part of the 10th Annual Go Topless Day, a global protest held every August since 2007, dedicated to ensuring the right for women to go shirtless if they wish.

The event protests gender inequality where nipples are concerned, according to organizer Nadine Gary. She said it is unfair that women can be publicly shamed or arrested if they choose to go topless ― a problem men don’t face at all.

Men do not face the topless problem because – for the most part – men police themselves. I haven’t gone topless on a beach (or even in the shower) since high school. (Even less now that I’ve had skin cancer surgery.) The morbidly obese men who do try the topless thing are usually policed by other men… mostly because they rarely pick up the clues from the nauseated women.

Buxom If You Got ‘Em

While scouring teh innernetz for something post-worthy, I came across this nonsense from the New York Post. The title of the article is, “Boobs are back in a big way.”

Up here *points to brain* they never left.

For the last year, those of us blessed with a chest have been slaves to the trend for curbing our curves. But now you can welcome the return of the out-and-proud cleavage.

Lingerie brand Ann Summers reports a 27 percent rise in sales of cleavage-enhancing bras, surely confirming the buxom look is back.

Thanks to push-up bras, chicken fillets, and clever makeup, help is out there for us all to make the best of our breasts. It’s a trend the small-boobed can join in with, whereas there’s no disguising a large bust, no matter how much bandage tape or clever necklines you try.

Personally, I believe cleavage should be mandatory in America, and ample cleavage should be highly encouraged. It is truly something Jesus would do.

The Cream In Her Coffee

A city in uber-liberal Washington state is considering dress code legislation aimed at bikini baristas; the swimsuit-wearing coffee servers popular on the west coast.

In other words, Washington will soon be as bad a place to work as it is to visit.

A new crackdown on bikini baristas may be coming soon to Everett. The city council is debating two ordinances, one of which would require scantily-clad coffee makers to wear more clothes.

The city attorney says this is not about placating people who are offended by women wearing bikinis. It’s an effort to eliminate prostitution and other illegal activities the city says is common at some bikini barista stands.

As a result, the city council is considering two ordinances. One would require a dress code for what they call quick service restaurants. Specifically, workers would have to wear tank tops and shorts at a minimum.

The half-naked waitresses at Hooters, et, al? No worries. Strippers, streetwalkers, and primo hoors? Fine. What we really need to do is crack down on those awful, violent coffee servers!

Getting Up To Bed Down

While searching for a decent post late last night, I found some quality clickbait from thew UK Daily Mail. Some limey sex expert wants to tell us what makes a woman good in bed.

Um, for most of us, the answer would be simply showing up. This bullet point was interesting, however:

11. They make noise (but not too much)

Ever had sex with someone who was deadly quiet and didn’t make any noise at all? It’s unnerving: we rely on moans and groans as feedback that our partner’s are having a good time.

Equally as unsettling however are ‘screamers’: people who make so much noise you can’t relax for fear of people listening.

Most of the women I’ve had sex with have been screamers. You know, “Get off me!,” “Don’t touch me!” and so forth.