The Perfect Story To Begin Your Weekend

CBS Pittsburgh, god bless them, created the perfect eye-catching headline last night with this story: “Want To See Uranus With The Naked Eye? Tonight Is The Night.”

You can see mine any night of the week, dingleberry!

The plant will reach opposition on Oct. 19, meaning it will be directly opposite the sun, bringing it closer and brighter to earth.

Experts say you may be able to see the icy blue planet with the naked eye, but if not, binoculars should do the trick.

NASA says Uranus should be visible all night long and its blue-green color is unmistakable.

I have a few unmistakable colors on my anus as well, but to see them, you’ll need some cash. 🙂


Ford Will Not Focus

Meet Bossier Parish (LA) Sheriff Julian Whittington.

Sheriff Whittington brought a smile to my face today when he announced his department would no longer purchase police cruisers from Ford, due to Ford’s support of the NFL and their ridiculous “take a knee” policy.

Bossier Parish Sheriff Julian Whittington said his office will no longer purchase Ford products after the automaker expressed support for National Football League players’ right to kneel in protest during the national anthem.

In a letter to Hixson Ford of Alexandria on Wednesday, Whittington said “recent events surrounding the NFL, its players and their audacity to thumb their collective noses at the American flag, the American military, as well as their obvious disdain for the profession of law enforcement in general, forces me to take a stand.”

“Yes, the NFL players have a right to protest as they deem necessary, but we, the Bossier Sheriff’s Office and taxpayers of Bossier Parish, have a right to spend our money elsewhere,” he said. “I realize that Ford Motor Co. has made this decision and may not necessarily be supported by your company, but you are our dealer.”

According to information provided by BPSO, in 2016 and 2017 the sheriff’s office purchased 29 vehicles from Hixson Autoplex, spending $747,132.

Excellent! The only way the NFL will stop this kneeling nonsense is if their sponsors begin to take a hit. Sheriff Whittington’s announcement is a nice first step, and hopefully, others will follow his lead.

Candy Crush has compiled a list of the most favorite candy listed by state. For once, my state came through with M&M’s. (They are nature’s perfect food.)

We took 10 years of sales data, looking in particular at the months leading up to Halloween. We sell to all 50 states so we broke down our sales by state. We also have relationships with major candy manufacturers and distributors – all of whom contributed and helped us verify that our data is on point

On this analysis, we were able to ascertain the best sellers in every state.

The National Retail Federation estimates that shoppers will spend $2.7 billion on Halloween candy this year. Industry research has shown that, in 2015, online candy sales increased by 15 percent. People are realizing they can save time and money by skipping the store and purchasing from the comfort of their home. But will you buy the right candy?

If you can’t determine your state’s preference, the list can be found at the link. Shout out to my (hopefully) future home Arizona, whose favorite is Snickers. Mmm… Snickers.

Tank You Very Much

A Texas history buff is receiving incoming fire from his neighbors for parking his Sherman tank outside his residence.

A history buff in Texas shelled out some $600,000 for a fully functional World War II tank — but now that it’s parked outside his multimillion-dollar home, it’s ruffling feathers in his neighborhood. Attorney Tony Buzbee of River Oaks said he bought the tank overseas last year.

“Took a year to get here, but now it’s on River Oaks Boulevard,” Buzbee told KHOU Houston‏. “This particular tank landed at Normandy. It liberated Paris, and ultimately went all the way to Berlin. There’s a lot of history here.”

However, the homeowners association sent him a letter saying the tank “impedes traffic” and causes a “safety issue” and “serious concerns for neighbors.”

Well, unless Buzbee has a 75mm round loaded into the tank’s breech, I’m fairly certain there is no safety issue here. So stop the Fuhrer and halt this blitzkrieg in its tracks.

The Uncomfortable Silence

Katerina Kamprani must be my sister separated at birth. The Greek artist may be the first sarcasm-based inventor, and I am seriously thinking about buying some of her creations.

“The Uncomfortable” is a collection of deliberately inconvenient everyday objects by Athens-based architect Katerina Kamprani.

While most of product designers are often trying to make objects as useful as possible, Kamprani here does the exact opposite trying to discover the best way to annoy everyone with her creations.

Personally, I want to buy the Uncomfortable Rain Boots for my kids. Just because.

Click It Or Stick It

China is not a country which one would consider favorable to women, what with all the child-bearing restrictions. Sadly, women don’t have it much easier if they survive into adulthood. To wit:

An office worker in China was punished for not wearing a seat belt while driving to work.

The woman was taped by layers of yellow and black hazard tape and stuck firmly onto a wall. Other employees can be seen neglecting their colleague and working on the desk.

It was written: ‘See how poor my pretty colleague, she got found out by our boss for not wearing a seat belt while driving!’

Personally, I would have preferred she be taped naked to the wall with pasties, but no one ever listens to my ideas.

Three: It’s A Magic Number

Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever thought one boinking partner simply is not enough? Have you tried to include a third in your hot, sweaty trysts? If your answer is yes, today is your lucky day.

A dating app has determined the best states for threesomes. SCIENCE!

THE U.S. states with the largest number of couples looking for a third partner to enjoy a THREESOME have been revealed. 3Somer, a threesome dating app, has published details of the states in which its 11,000 registered couples reside.

California turned out to be the state which is the most interested in group sex, followed by Texas. New York has the third highest number of 3somer members. The three wings of this axis of eroticism are followed by Florida, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Georgia, Ohio, North Carolina and New Jersey.

The fact Pennsylvania came in fifth is intriguing, but considering I cannot satisfy myself in bed – not to mention the two other women – I doubt the information will be of any use to me.

Party Your Axe Off

A club which features axe throwing has just opened in Huntsville. Finally, a reason to visit Alabama which doesn’t involve NASCAR or moonshine!

Who wants to throw axes at the wall for fun and competition? Judging by how fast this new indoor sport is spreading, who doesn’t?

Now, Huntsville gets a chance at Civil Axe Throwing, a new club opening at the entertainment complex Campus 805.

The axes are more like hatchets in size, so you don’t have to be a lumberjack to throw one. The website says axe throwing is “perfect for birthday parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties or just a fun night out with friends.” There’s a league night, too.

This sounds awesome, until some drunken Auburn students stumble in and try splitting apples off their friends’ heads. Cleanup, aisle two!

Show Us Your Busch

An elderly St. Louis Cardinals fan caused quite a stir Wednesday night when she flashed the stadium while appearing on the Jumbotron.

An apparent Cardinals fan, whose name is unknown, was possessed by an urge to lift her shirt and bra to celebrate her appearance on Busch Stadium’s Jumbotron. The woman was removed from the stadium, but she was not arrested.

The Cardinals’ Twitter feed was muted on Thursday morning after the 6-0 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, with only a mention of the team’s 12:45 p.m. game Thursday.

“The woman was ejected from the game for violating the ground rules for guests we have in place to ensure a family friendly environment here at the ballpark,” Ron Watermon, vice president of communications for the Cardinals, said.

Yes, because nothing is more family friendly than drunken stumblebums vomiting on fellow spectators and urinating in the bathroom sinks.