The Feel Good Story Of The Day

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is in danger of losing his job, according sources in the 49ers organization. The douche canoe’s problem is not necessarily a lack of talent, but a lack of other intangible qualities.

“He can still play at a high level,” an anonymous AFC general manager told Bleacher Report’s Mike Freeman. “The problem is three things are happening with him. First, some teams genuinely believe that he can’t play. They think he’s shot. I’d put that number around 20 percent.”

“Second, some teams fear the backlash from fans after getting him. They think there might be protests or Trump will tweet about them. I’d say that number is around 10 percent. Then there’s another 10 percent that has a mix of those feelings.”

Are you ready? Here is the part that made my Johnson stand straight up…

“Third, the rest genuinely hate him and can’t stand what he did [kneeling for the national anthem]. They want nothing to do with him.”

Boom, headshot! It would truly please me if Kaepernick pulled a reverse Kurt Warner and was booted from the NFL to become a grocery bagger.

She’s One Smart Cookie

An enterprising young woman has opened a raw cookie dough store, proving once again why America is the greatest country in the world.

DO Cookie Dough Confections, a small shop in Greenwich Village, New York, sells roughly 1,500 pounds of safe-to-eat raw cookie dough every day to people willing to spend over an hour in line for a chance to relive their childhood fantasies.

28-year-old Kristen Tomlan, the founder and CEO of DO Cookie Dough Confections never outgrew her craving for raw cookie dough. She always wondered why there wasn’t a place where people could enjoy their favorite treat.

This January, DO Cookie Dough Confections opened as a brick-and-mortar shop in Greenwich Village, and dozens of people have been lining up outside to sample the wide variety of cookie doughs ever since. A scoop of raw cookie dough costs $4 and can be served in either an ice-cream cone or a paper cup.

Tomlan’s raw talent now has her raking in the dough.

Need A Bathroom? Urinal Luck!

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President Trump is snipping Obama’s transgender bathroom guidelines; thereby cutting federal involvement in school rest room decisions.

The Trump administration plans to revoke federal guidelines put out under former President Barack Obama allowing public school students to use restrooms and other facilities that correspond with their gender identity.

The source confirmed the Trump administration will issue new guidance, saying the Trump White House believes this is an issue better left to the states.

The decision, not yet announced, would be a reversal of an Obama-era directive issued in May requiring public schools to grant bathroom access even if the student’s chosen gender identity isn’t the same as what’s in the student’s record.

Someone made this point on a local talk show this morning, and I thought it was brilliant. If these people really believe they identify as the opposite sex, why use the term transgender at all? Why not just tell people you’re a man or a woman?

Personally, I identify as a meat popsicle. Accept me for who I am!

Oooh, That Smell

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Are you, like me, morbidly obese? Do you sweat when you eat? Are you a Leftist protester? If so, your days of stinking up a football stadium may be gone forever.

The KunKun, Japanese for “sniff sniff”, is a bizarre device developed by Japanese corporation Konika Minolta that detects bodily odors like smelly feet or underarm sweat and notifies the user about them via a smartphone app.

Now you can just wear the KunKun everywhere you go and find out when you’re starting to stink just by checking your phone. It’s small enough to fit in a coat pocket, so no one will ever know you’re carrying it, and features sensors that pick up specific chemicals associated with three types of bodily odors.

When the information is sent from the KunKun to the smartphone, users are notified if they have passed or failed a smell test using a color-coded meter.

There is a morbidly obese corporal who works in my division, and she claims her religion only allows her to bathe once a week. Her stench can literally peel the skin off a man, and the operations room has more lighted candles than Liberace’s boudoir.

I would buy her this device, but I sincerely doubt she would respond to the alarms.

What The Hell Just Happened?

Feb 5, 2017; Houston, TX, USA; New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (12) celebrates a two-point conversion against the Atlanta Falcons in the fourth quarter during Super Bowl LI at NRG Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Feb 5, 2017; Houston, TX, USA; New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (12) celebrates a two-point conversion against the Atlanta Falcons in the fourth quarter during Super Bowl LI at NRG Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
True to my word, I did not watch one second of last night’s game, even though my second favorite quarterback, Tom Brady, was going for his fifth Super Bowl win. I was receiving updates from Mrs. Earp, and I went to bed early assuming the Patriots were going to lose big.

When I woke up today, Mrs. Earp said, “The Patriots won in overtime.” Eh, what?

The greatest quarterback in NFL history led the biggest Super Bowl comeback to be the MVP on Sunday night.

Tom Brady rallied New England from a 25-point third-quarter deficit for a 34-28 win over the Atlanta Falcons in the first overtime game in Super Bowl history to earn his fifth Super Bowl title and fourth MVP trophy.

Brady threw touchdown passes of 5 and 6 yards in the second half and tied things at 28-28 when he connected with Danny Amendola on a 2-point conversion with 57 seconds left.

He then directed the drive in overtime which ended with a 2-yard run by James White to make the Patriots the first team to win a Super Bowl after trailing by more than 10 points.

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in NFL history; and this is coming from a John Elway fanboy. I almost wish I watched the game so I could see the look on NFL Commissioner/Jagoff Roger Goodell’s face when he had to hand the trophy to Brady. His tears must have tasted delicious.

Say what you want about the Patriots, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady; they know how to win.

On The Wings Of Love

james-van-der-beek-cryingHave you recently been dumped by your significant other? Are you an angry, sarcastic loner who cannot maintain an adult relationship? If the answer to these questions is yes, does Hooters have a deal for you!

Yes, to celebrate Valentine’s Day, the world-famous “breastaurant” is giving scorned lovers the chance to destroy photos of their exes in return for a plate of wings. Buy 10 boneless wings, trash your ex, get 10 more boneless wings. Ain’t love grand?

In the event that you don’t want to go to Hooters and ogle waitresses alongside middle-school baseball teams, you can do the shredding online. After that, you can print a coupon, order the wings to go, and return to your loveless home to eat them alone. On Valentine’s Day.

This is a pretty good idea, but it would be exponentially better Hooters would let you literally shred your ex… in an industrial wood chipper.

The San Jose Larks

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San Jose City Councilman Lan Diep was sworn in this week, but not after he brought his appropriate pieces of flair.

Most elected officials wear a stuffy suit or boring skirt when they’re sworn into office. Not San Jose Councilman Lan Diep. The legal aid attorney donned a Captain America shield while taking his oath of office Tuesday, raising a few eyebrows, setting off a social media storm and garnering some chuckles.

Diep, a self-professed comics nerd, said Captain America is the “embodiment of America’s ideals. These are the same ideals I hope to live up to as a representative of San Jose,” Diep said. “Plus, I had this really cool shield I wanted to show off.”

Considering Diep is a Republican in a Democrat stronghold, he may want to keep that shield with him at all times.

Continue reading “The San Jose Larks”

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby

modern-round-restaurant-peoria-arizonaThe Modern Round, a new restaurant in Peoria, Arizona, will allow you to shoot replica firearms while waiting for your meal.

Before you go all ballistic, I should mention that the guns provided by Modern Round are not real firearms, but realistic laser replicas designed to feel like the real thing. Instead of gun range targets, patrons must shoot at virtual targets on a 16-foot-wide screen, and can choose from a variety of options, from zombie-themed games to live-action police and military scenarios. To make the experience feel as realistic as possible, the replicas are molded into the size, shape and weight of actual firearms, and some of the weapons even have a CO2 system that “provides realistic recoil and blowback.”

So basically it’s like eating at a KFC in downtown Detroit, without the blood and those pesky minorities. (I’m kidding; please don’t send hate mail.)

The whole place allegedly has a James Bond film feel to it, with the main door shaped as a keyhole and hostesses dressed in skin tight body-con who handcuff themselves to metallic attaché cases containing the weapons you’ll be using during your stay. There is also a professional shooting instructor roaming around and letting shooters know what they’re doing wrong and how to improve their aiming.

You know, not a day goes by where I don’t think about moving to the Grand Canyon State. This eatery is tipping the scales even further.

Wendy’s: Now Serving Hot Roasts

wendys-twitter-roastWhile I have been mostly ignoring the Twitter cesspool – with the exception of trolling liberals after the inauguration – many of my friends have been urging me to follow Wendy’s timeline. Why would I follow the Twitter feed of a fast food restaurant?

Well, because the brilliant woman who runs it spits hot fire.

Wendy’s fast food chain might be named after a sweet little girl, but don’t be fooled by that seemingly innocent exterior. Beneath that sign lurks a world of sass, as Twitter users everywhere have recently been discovering. The fast food restaurant is well known for its hamburgers and chicken sandwiches, but they’ve also started to serve up double helpings of shut the hell up to anybody brave enough to take them on via Twitter. Check out this funny list of tweets compiled by Bored Panda to see what we mean. The moral of this story? Don’t mess with Wendy’s!

Check out the examples of Amy Brown’s genius at the link. It will definitely brighten your Monday.

Slot For Teacher

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Mrs. Earp spent her post-college time as a teacher in the Philadelphia School District. When our first child was born, she put career ambitions on hold to raise our little monsters. Her school was in a war zone, and day care would probably offset her salary. So, she became a stay-at-home mom.

Now that all the kids are in school, Mrs. Earp wanted to ease herself back into the game. Last year she obtained her clearances and background checks – apparently no one found out about that dead hooker – and started helping out at the kids’ grade school. This year, she’s been going twice a week to work with the computer class.

Yesterday, she received a call from the school, asking if she could come in today as a substitute teacher for the first grade.

BOOM!

Oh, and she is going to be paid for it.

DOUBLE BOOM!

So, I’ll have the entire house to myself on my day off. Well, I would have, but Julia is home sick. Figures.