That’s Using Your Noggin

Albert Gator, the mascot of the University of Florida, saved a fan from a foul ball during the teams game against North Carolina. Albert did so by sacrificing his cranium.

A video tweeted by the team shows Albert Gator sitting next to a young fan in the stands during the team’s Tuesday game against the University of North Florida when a foul ball comes in their direction.

The mascot uses his arms and body to protect the boy and the foul ball ends up bouncing off Albert Gator’s foam-filled head.

The mascot feigned injury for the amused crowd while the young boy pretended to give him CPR.

Nice heads up by the mascot. I’ve attempted to catch a foul ball with my bare hand, and I can tell you it hurts like hell. It certainly would have injured the child.

Remembering Robert Godwin, Sr.

A Philadelphia police officer created a portrait of Robert Godwin, Sr, the elderly Cleveland man murdered by the detestable Steve Stephens.

A beautiful work of art was made to remember Robert Godwin, Sr. Philadelphia Police Department forensic graphic artist Officer Jonny Castro created the portrait.

Philadelphia police posted the portrait of Godwin, Sr. on its Facebook page and said they are sharing it to spread an extremely important message.

“YOU – the public – are the best weapon we have in the fight against crime. Sure, that’s a cliche – but some cliches become cliches for a reason. FACT: Mr. Godwin’s killer is no longer a threat because a citizen picked up a phone and called police.” (H/T – Sully)

I figured we all needed a feel-good story after this violent, terrible week.

Unleash The Puppies!

Ladies, it may finally be time to burn the bra!

There is now scientific evidence that bras may not be as great for our health as we’ve been told. Could the same bras that help lift us up and make clothes look fashionable really be hurting us? These days, women are going braless, and for good reason. The health benefits are convincing enough to make even the most traditional of wearers hang their bras up for good!

Braless Benefit #1: You can actually get perkier breasts by going without a bra! French researchers dedicated to studying the effect of bras on a woman’s breast perkiness have concluded that wearing a bra might actually make breasts sag. Say what?! Turns out this is because the pectoral muscles that would usually fight against gravity are relaxed, and thus, lose tension over time.

And really, who doesn’t want perkier breasts? Kate Upton does, Salma Hayek does, and even Alec Baldwin does! So come on ladies, take the first step to a perkier new you!

Continue reading “Unleash The Puppies!”

Never Go Out With A Loaded Gun

A new – and completely pointless – study has found watching pr0n before a first date makes it more likely to succeed. Apparently, this is the case for either sex.

Being primed and ready for a sexual encounter makes both men and women more outgoing, according to the research.

The limited study, which looked at 246 heterosexual students, found that even watching softcore porn for a few seconds makes people more likely to disclose personal information.

Another experiment found that students shown a naked picture of the opposite sex for just 0.03 seconds were more willing to go on a date than participants who were shown a picture of a fish.

In some cases, there is no difference between the fish and the opposite sex. Ba-zing!

Crazy Eights

Archer, arguably the funniest comedy of all time, begins its eighth season tonight, and like Season 5’s “Archer Vice,” this premiere goes off the beaten path. While looking for articles about the upcoming season, I ran into the same issue plaguing Archer Vice; namely, every critic was panning it before the season even aired.

In my opinion, the critics were wrong about AV, so I have no doubt they will be wrong about “Dreamland.” Not for nothing, but I refuse to take the opinions of Vox and Collider very seriously. I do, however, trust series creator Adam Reed. Even Archer’s occasional misses are far better than anything coming out of Hollywood these days, so you’ll forgive me if I tell the critics to eat a buffet of dicks.

The season premiere begins tonight at 10pm on FXX.

Fire Rainbow All The Way Across The Sky!

A “fire rainbow” was seen in the skies over Peru this weekend, sending hundreds of idiotic Peruvians to proclaim the end was nigh.

A MYSTERIOUS “rainbow of fire” seen streaking across the skies left onlookers fearing it could be the end of the world. The strange phenomenon appears to show a line of flames burning in the blue skies.

Pictures and videos such as the one above have gone viral since it happened in Chiclayo, Peru. Users commented in the thousands that it could be a sign of a Biblical apocalypse.

“Hell has been split open… repent or you will be burned.” Another said: “It is the whip of fire that is coming here to punish sinners… the end of the world is coming.”

I’m fairly sure the fire rainbow is just a circumhorizontal arc, but if some hot Peruvian soccer fans want to get in a last few bangs before The Rapture, I’m game.

The Feel Good Story Of The Day

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is in danger of losing his job, according sources in the 49ers organization. The douche canoe’s problem is not necessarily a lack of talent, but a lack of other intangible qualities.

“He can still play at a high level,” an anonymous AFC general manager told Bleacher Report’s Mike Freeman. “The problem is three things are happening with him. First, some teams genuinely believe that he can’t play. They think he’s shot. I’d put that number around 20 percent.”

“Second, some teams fear the backlash from fans after getting him. They think there might be protests or Trump will tweet about them. I’d say that number is around 10 percent. Then there’s another 10 percent that has a mix of those feelings.”

Are you ready? Here is the part that made my Johnson stand straight up…

“Third, the rest genuinely hate him and can’t stand what he did [kneeling for the national anthem]. They want nothing to do with him.”

Boom, headshot! It would truly please me if Kaepernick pulled a reverse Kurt Warner and was booted from the NFL to become a grocery bagger.

She’s One Smart Cookie

An enterprising young woman has opened a raw cookie dough store, proving once again why America is the greatest country in the world.

DO Cookie Dough Confections, a small shop in Greenwich Village, New York, sells roughly 1,500 pounds of safe-to-eat raw cookie dough every day to people willing to spend over an hour in line for a chance to relive their childhood fantasies.

28-year-old Kristen Tomlan, the founder and CEO of DO Cookie Dough Confections never outgrew her craving for raw cookie dough. She always wondered why there wasn’t a place where people could enjoy their favorite treat.

This January, DO Cookie Dough Confections opened as a brick-and-mortar shop in Greenwich Village, and dozens of people have been lining up outside to sample the wide variety of cookie doughs ever since. A scoop of raw cookie dough costs $4 and can be served in either an ice-cream cone or a paper cup.

Tomlan’s raw talent now has her raking in the dough.

Need A Bathroom? Urinal Luck!

caitlin-jenner

President Trump is snipping Obama’s transgender bathroom guidelines; thereby cutting federal involvement in school rest room decisions.

The Trump administration plans to revoke federal guidelines put out under former President Barack Obama allowing public school students to use restrooms and other facilities that correspond with their gender identity.

The source confirmed the Trump administration will issue new guidance, saying the Trump White House believes this is an issue better left to the states.

The decision, not yet announced, would be a reversal of an Obama-era directive issued in May requiring public schools to grant bathroom access even if the student’s chosen gender identity isn’t the same as what’s in the student’s record.

Someone made this point on a local talk show this morning, and I thought it was brilliant. If these people really believe they identify as the opposite sex, why use the term transgender at all? Why not just tell people you’re a man or a woman?

Personally, I identify as a meat popsicle. Accept me for who I am!

Oooh, That Smell

kunkun-smell-gadget

Are you, like me, morbidly obese? Do you sweat when you eat? Are you a Leftist protester? If so, your days of stinking up a football stadium may be gone forever.

The KunKun, Japanese for “sniff sniff”, is a bizarre device developed by Japanese corporation Konika Minolta that detects bodily odors like smelly feet or underarm sweat and notifies the user about them via a smartphone app.

Now you can just wear the KunKun everywhere you go and find out when you’re starting to stink just by checking your phone. It’s small enough to fit in a coat pocket, so no one will ever know you’re carrying it, and features sensors that pick up specific chemicals associated with three types of bodily odors.

When the information is sent from the KunKun to the smartphone, users are notified if they have passed or failed a smell test using a color-coded meter.

There is a morbidly obese corporal who works in my division, and she claims her religion only allows her to bathe once a week. Her stench can literally peel the skin off a man, and the operations room has more lighted candles than Liberace’s boudoir.

I would buy her this device, but I sincerely doubt she would respond to the alarms.