Black Tape Matters

America has finally gone full retard. A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation where women are showing up to clubs dressed in black electrical tape.

This odd tale of the tape begins with Joel Alvarez, a photographer in Miami and creator of The Black Tape Project, which he calls “tape art and alternative fashion.”

Alvarez tapes pieces of black electric tape onto naked models to make it look as if they’re wearing swimwear. Skimpy swimwear. Really skimpy swimwear. Alvarez has taped up women from Las Vegas and New York to Europe and the Caribbean.

According to the Post he charges up to $1,000 for private taping sessions, which include a sexy photo shoot.

$1,000 to tape up naked women? Jesus, what a racket. This trend is all well and good during the taping, but the regret comes with the removal. Nobody likes chafed pink parts.

Leaving Calls In Their Wake

There is nothing I dread more than daywork. Waking up at 5:45am is not a natural act, and it’s one which I vigorously fight against. No longer.

Now I can receive a wake up call from a real Japanese fisherman! Where has this service been all my life?

Fisherman Call is a free service. All you have to do is register online and provide your name, phone number and the time you would like to be called by the fisherman. You can even select a specific fisherman from several profiles listed online. You can see a picture of each one of the available fishermen, check out their work schedule and even listen to a recording of their voice to see if it’s the first thing you want to hear in the morning. Then, all you have to do is go to sleep.

Most of the fishermen provided by Fisherman Call wake up at the crack of dawn, and complete most of their daily work by 6 AM, so however early you plan on waking up, they’ll probably be able to help you do it.

While this idea is not as appealing as Catherine Zeta-Jones Call, it is infinitely better than Fran Drescher Call.

The Croc Hunter

Meet Juliana Osso of Orange County, Florida. Like many of her peers, Juliana like to take a dip in the local watering hole. Unlike her peers, Juliana is the baddest girl in the lake.

Juliana Ossa, 10, was swimming in a Florida lake Sunday when, out of nowhere, a nine-foot alligator attacked her.

She screamed in pain as the gator took hold of her leg but she was able to pry open his mouth and take her leg out.

Ossa was pulled to safety and two lifeguards bandaged her bleeding leg. Ossa was able to walk after she got ten stitches in her leg.

What an epic badass. Hats off to you, Juliana; you are easily the toughest girl in Florida. Get well soon.

Columnist Dispatches Biased Newspaper

Conservative columnist Stacy Washington has quit her position at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch after the paper suspended her for her column defending the National Rifle Association.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch on Friday suspended Stacy Washington after a column entitled “Guns and the Media” disputed an anti-NRA article that argued since more Americans die from guns than from ISIS, the Second Amendment advocacy group is the greater danger.

“[W]hen has a member of the NRA ever decapitated, set on fire, tossed from a rooftop or otherwise terrorized another American? The linkage is not only rife with improper context; it is false on its face,” Washington wrote in her column, which also decried the lack of conservatives in U.S. newsrooms. “This failure to represent the opposing, especially conservative, view is an increasingly apparent deficit in the news reporting apparatus in our country.”

I’m no detective, but I’ll bet that shot across the bow is the reason for the suspension. Newspaper people don’t like hearing they’re biased; mostly because the accusation has merit…

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The Hunger Games

Say what you want about Ivy League schools, if nothing else, they produce some outstanding College Republicans. Take Yale University, for instance…

Supporters of Local 33, a union dedicated to organizing graduate student teachers, have been holding a hunger strike over Yale’s refusal to negotiate a contract with the union. The Yale Daily News reports that in response to the hunger strike, the College Republicans held a barbecue in a tent erected near the strikers on Friday.

The New Haven Register reports the College Republicans feasted on baked beans, corn, and beef.

Aaron Greenberg, the chairman of Local 33, and a graduate student and teacher in political science, told the Yale Daily News, “We weren’t focused on it.”

I know when I’m starving, the last thing I yearn for is the tantalizing smell of delicious barbecued beef.

The College Republicans’ barbecue comes after the National Union party in Israel held a barbecue near hunger-striking Palestinian terrorists.

Brilliant! Is Trolling a major or an elective at Yale, because if there was ever the perfect professor for such a class, it would be yours truly.

That’s Using Your Noggin

Albert Gator, the mascot of the University of Florida, saved a fan from a foul ball during the teams game against North Carolina. Albert did so by sacrificing his cranium.

A video tweeted by the team shows Albert Gator sitting next to a young fan in the stands during the team’s Tuesday game against the University of North Florida when a foul ball comes in their direction.

The mascot uses his arms and body to protect the boy and the foul ball ends up bouncing off Albert Gator’s foam-filled head.

The mascot feigned injury for the amused crowd while the young boy pretended to give him CPR.

Nice heads up by the mascot. I’ve attempted to catch a foul ball with my bare hand, and I can tell you it hurts like hell. It certainly would have injured the child.

Remembering Robert Godwin, Sr.

A Philadelphia police officer created a portrait of Robert Godwin, Sr, the elderly Cleveland man murdered by the detestable Steve Stephens.

A beautiful work of art was made to remember Robert Godwin, Sr. Philadelphia Police Department forensic graphic artist Officer Jonny Castro created the portrait.

Philadelphia police posted the portrait of Godwin, Sr. on its Facebook page and said they are sharing it to spread an extremely important message.

“YOU – the public – are the best weapon we have in the fight against crime. Sure, that’s a cliche – but some cliches become cliches for a reason. FACT: Mr. Godwin’s killer is no longer a threat because a citizen picked up a phone and called police.” (H/T – Sully)

I figured we all needed a feel-good story after this violent, terrible week.

Unleash The Puppies!

Ladies, it may finally be time to burn the bra!

There is now scientific evidence that bras may not be as great for our health as we’ve been told. Could the same bras that help lift us up and make clothes look fashionable really be hurting us? These days, women are going braless, and for good reason. The health benefits are convincing enough to make even the most traditional of wearers hang their bras up for good!

Braless Benefit #1: You can actually get perkier breasts by going without a bra! French researchers dedicated to studying the effect of bras on a woman’s breast perkiness have concluded that wearing a bra might actually make breasts sag. Say what?! Turns out this is because the pectoral muscles that would usually fight against gravity are relaxed, and thus, lose tension over time.

And really, who doesn’t want perkier breasts? Kate Upton does, Salma Hayek does, and even Alec Baldwin does! So come on ladies, take the first step to a perkier new you!

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Never Go Out With A Loaded Gun

A new – and completely pointless – study has found watching pr0n before a first date makes it more likely to succeed. Apparently, this is the case for either sex.

Being primed and ready for a sexual encounter makes both men and women more outgoing, according to the research.

The limited study, which looked at 246 heterosexual students, found that even watching softcore porn for a few seconds makes people more likely to disclose personal information.

Another experiment found that students shown a naked picture of the opposite sex for just 0.03 seconds were more willing to go on a date than participants who were shown a picture of a fish.

In some cases, there is no difference between the fish and the opposite sex. Ba-zing!

Crazy Eights

Archer, arguably the funniest comedy of all time, begins its eighth season tonight, and like Season 5’s “Archer Vice,” this premiere goes off the beaten path. While looking for articles about the upcoming season, I ran into the same issue plaguing Archer Vice; namely, every critic was panning it before the season even aired.

In my opinion, the critics were wrong about AV, so I have no doubt they will be wrong about “Dreamland.” Not for nothing, but I refuse to take the opinions of Vox and Collider very seriously. I do, however, trust series creator Adam Reed. Even Archer’s occasional misses are far better than anything coming out of Hollywood these days, so you’ll forgive me if I tell the critics to eat a buffet of dicks.

The season premiere begins tonight at 10pm on FXX.