Checking His (Re)Tires

After a long and distinguished… career, longtime reader, commenter, and punslinger Mike (AKA Proof) is retiring this afternoon.

Let’s all deride him and pelt him with vegetables!

Oh sorry, that’s just the jealousy talking. Keep your vegetables – or cans of V8 – and instead congratulate him on this momentous occasion. The fact he did not murder his coworkers or spike his boss’ coffee with antifreeze is both a credit to him, and to us all.

Congratulations, Proof! Your retirement gift is fellow sexy Californian Jessica Alba.

Wait, Jessica is a sexy Californian, but the jury is still out on Proof.

Orange: The New Black

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released unemployment numbers this week, and if you are a member of the African-American community, you will be very pleased.

Unemployment among black Americans ages 16 years and over fell to 7.5 percent in May, its lowest level since December 2000.

Black unemployment has been on the decline since February — falling from (February) 8.1, (March) 8.0, (April) 7.9, and (May) 7.5 percent, according to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The national unemployment rate in May was 4.3 percent, its lowest level since May 2001.

Donald Trump hates black people! Or something.

The reason I used Breitbart as the post source is because while checking teh interwebz yesterday, there was no mention of the unemployment numbers on the websites of the three major networks, nor at CNN’s site. That may have changed, since I wrote this yesterday, but if a Democrat was in the White House it would be front page news.

Flat Broke And Busted

Alyssa Milano is a hot little minky, but like many Hollywood celebrities, the beauty is only skin deep. Milano is a detestable person on social media, who routinely derides conservatives in general, and President Trump specifically.

With that in mind, I can gleefully place this story in the “It’s Funny When It Happens To Them” file.

In documents filed in the Superior Court of California, County of Los Angeles last Monday, Milano claims that her current woes began with the renovation of her Bell Canyon home.

That project was so poorly managed by defendant Kenneth Hellie and his firm Hellie, Hoffer & Co. claims Milano, that it ended up costing her and husband David Bugliari $5 million. The property is only worth $3 million now, and the court filing states that in the wake of this home makeover a number of payments that Milano owed began to arrive late or not at all.

The 44-year-old actress, who shot to fame on the television series ‘Who’s the Boss’ and more recently appeared on the first two seasons of ‘Mistresses,’ claims that she was left in the dark through this, and turned down lucrative projects not knowing she and her husband were ‘millions of dollars in debt and their credit in ruins.’

Ironically, Alyssa will now have something in common with the president; they can both file for bankruptcy! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

His Acts Of Kindness Are Always Random

The news is filled with anger and despair lately, so today I am starting off with a really good story about a professional athlete.

In a sports world chock full of Colin Kaepernicks, you can literally thank God he gave us Tim Tebow.

As the crowds started filling in the stadium, a sweet girl with Down Syndrome and her sister came down the aisle where we were sitting at and stood at the railing waiting for an opportunity to potentially meet her hero. She held a sign tightly to her body which was apparent she had taken a lot of time to create. The top of her sign was dedicated to her hero, “TEBOW” with “Night to Shine” written at the bottom.

Just before the game started, Tebow was walking with another teammate back to the visiting dugout just minutes before the National Anthem was sung. Instead of taking a victors walk in front of the thousands of people who were yelling and chanting his name, he stopped and made a sharp turn towards our direction. Out of all the people in the stadium, Tebow singled out this one girl.

As he approached, you could visibly see Tebow’s face light up as he seemed just as excited to meet her as she was to meet him. He started off by asking how she was doing and then thanked her for coming out to the game to watch his team play. After that he carefully examined her poster and commented on how beautiful she was before signing her poster for her. It was evident to me that these 30 seconds of interaction with her hero meant the world to her.

It may be hard to believe, but there are some truly good people in this world. Tim Tebow is living proof.

Info Whores

While driving in to work yesterday, I heard about this story on the Chris Stigall Show, and I have been smiling ever since. Radio personality Alex Jones’ NBC interview with MeAgain kelly is set for Sunday night, and when the inevitable funny business occurs, Jones will be prepared.

Alex Jones, the conspiracy-theorizing host of Infowars whose controversial interview with NBC’s Megyn Kelly is set to air Sunday night, has fallen back to the argument of every disgruntled interviewee: “They took me out of context.”

Except in this case, Jones may cause serious trouble for Kelly, who he apparently took the precaution of covertly taping in pre-interview calls and, he claims, the interview itself, which he is now publicizing on Infowars and his YouTube channel.

As distasteful and cynical as many may feel Jones’ argument to be, there is no doubt that the recording of a pre-interview call with Kelly, an edited version of which Jones published Friday on his YouTube channel, will heap further trouble and pressure on the NBC host.

Jones then cuts in footage of the promo released by NBC News in which Kelly probes him about his claims that the massacre was fake, and he replies by talking about the casualties of America’s foreign wars, and Kelly tells him he is “dodging” the question.

If true, this will be the greatest takedown of the mainstream media ever, and it couldn’t happen to a nastier bitch.

Oh Darwin, Don’t Ever Change

Break out your mourning crepes; the hero of the Ferguson riots has passed away.

One of the Ferguson rioters good Samaritans immortalized in an award-winning photograph has died. According to NBC News, Edward Crawford shot himself while riding in the back seat of a moving vehicle. At least that’s the story as told by the guys in the front seat at the time.

“The victim began expressing he was distraught over personal matters to the witnesses,” said the police department’s Public Information Officer Leah Freeman. “The witnesses heard the victim rummaging in the backseat, then heard a gunshot and observed the victim had sustained a gunshot wound to the head.”

Horrible, simply horrible. I fully expect the St. Louis Cardinals to honor Mr. Crawford during tonight’s game, and dedicate a row of seats in his honor.

During the 2014 Ferguson riots, a St. Louis Post-Dispatch photographer snapped a striking image of the patriotic Mr. Crawford. The iconic photo caught the moment he helped authorities by tossing a burning device away from an orderly troop of widows and orphans on their way to Sunday school. Undoubtedly good people risked great injury to themselves while simply going about their business had it not been for the quick-thinking bravery of Mr. Crawford.

Shockingly, he did not receive an award for his heroism. In fact, the local constabulary arrested him. The charges? Throwing a flaming object towards police and knocking a police officer to the ground.

I’m sure that was done for the greater good. Think of the children. Think of the children!!

Snap, Crackle, And Cop

Meet Timothy Glass, Jr. of Eureka, California.

It’s ironic Timothy lives in Eureka, because he invented a truly ingenious weapon.

Eureka cops responded to a report of shots fired Wednesday afternoon and found a man who had been struck in the hand with a shotgun shell filled with Rice Krispies. The weapon turned out to be a flare gun.

Police said they were told the assailant was Timothy Glass Jr., 29, of Eureka, and that he had fled the scene on a bicycle. The victim was taken to the hospital.

Glass was arrested and booked into the Humboldt County Correctional Facility. He was charged with resisting arrest and probation violation.

“Based on the investigation it appears Glass fired a flare gun loaded with a shotgun shell filled with Rice Krispies,” police said. (H/T – Jim F.)

Oddly enough, investigators milk-boarded Glass until he confessed to the crime.

Credit And Forget It

Lost among all the “OMG TRUMP RUSSIA!” caterwauling is a report you probably won’t see on the network news channels. Specifically, Americans’ credit scores are at a record high.

Credit scores for U.S. consumers reached a record high this spring while the share of Americans deemed to be some of the riskiest borrowers hit a record low—a potential boon for lending and economic activity.

Consumers’ improving fortunes reflect falling unemployment and continued, if lackluster, economic growth. An added benefit: The passage of time since the recession and housing meltdown are helping household balance sheets.

In ever-growing numbers, the worst personal financial setbacks, namely foreclosures and bankruptcies, are falling off Americans’ credit reports. More than six million U.S. adults will have personal bankruptcies disappear over the next five years, according to a recent Barclays report.

The credit for this windfall obviously goes to Barack Hussein Obama, our thriftiest president.

Black Tape Matters

America has finally gone full retard. A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation where women are showing up to clubs dressed in black electrical tape.

This odd tale of the tape begins with Joel Alvarez, a photographer in Miami and creator of The Black Tape Project, which he calls “tape art and alternative fashion.”

Alvarez tapes pieces of black electric tape onto naked models to make it look as if they’re wearing swimwear. Skimpy swimwear. Really skimpy swimwear. Alvarez has taped up women from Las Vegas and New York to Europe and the Caribbean.

According to the Post he charges up to $1,000 for private taping sessions, which include a sexy photo shoot.

$1,000 to tape up naked women? Jesus, what a racket. This trend is all well and good during the taping, but the regret comes with the removal. Nobody likes chafed pink parts.

Leaving Calls In Their Wake

There is nothing I dread more than daywork. Waking up at 5:45am is not a natural act, and it’s one which I vigorously fight against. No longer.

Now I can receive a wake up call from a real Japanese fisherman! Where has this service been all my life?

Fisherman Call is a free service. All you have to do is register online and provide your name, phone number and the time you would like to be called by the fisherman. You can even select a specific fisherman from several profiles listed online. You can see a picture of each one of the available fishermen, check out their work schedule and even listen to a recording of their voice to see if it’s the first thing you want to hear in the morning. Then, all you have to do is go to sleep.

Most of the fishermen provided by Fisherman Call wake up at the crack of dawn, and complete most of their daily work by 6 AM, so however early you plan on waking up, they’ll probably be able to help you do it.

While this idea is not as appealing as Catherine Zeta-Jones Call, it is infinitely better than Fran Drescher Call.