Women Now Have A Pot To Piss In

In response to the rampant sexism flowing through Germany, the city of Berlin is developing urinals for broads. Ladies, you’re going to love peeing while standing up.

German officials are planning to tackle one of the multiple remaining inequalities between the sexes: the queue for the loo. A scheme has been proposed by Berlin authorities to develop urinals for women at public lavatories across the city.

A 99-page document titled ‘The Toilet Concept for Berlin’ has been produced by the city’s environmental council in collaboration with the private sector.

Nice try, Merkel, but I see right through this. You know what else was titled “The Toilet Concept for Berlin?” The German invasion of Poland.

Twentieth Century Fox

Twenty years ago today, I married the most beautiful woman in the world. A woman who has loved me unconditionally for twenty-five years, and put up with all my shenanigans, mental illness, and rampant stupidity.

Mrs. Earp is the younger sister of one of my oldest high school friends. We spent a lot of time hanging out at her parents’ house with my other idiot friends, and she would walk past, throw out a sarcastic comment and walk away. We naturally became friends talked about school, music, and the people we were currently dating.

During her college Thanksgiving break in 1992, we were both unattached and went out to eat. Just a friends thing. An hour later we were dating. We were discussing how to tell her brother, and decided to hold off for a bit. Mike finally found out after a party at our friend’s house, when he saw us kissing each other good night on his front step.

Amazingly, he didn’t smite me.

Our wedding day had its issues; the temperature was in the high 90’s, Mrs. Earp’s ride to the church got a flat, and I was seriously nervous. Thankfully, everything else went smoothly, the reception was awesome, and twenty years later, she’s still here.

We were scheduled to go out to dinner this evening, but Mrs. Earp blew out her knee Monday night. The E.R. docs think she has the same arthritis problem as I have, and is currently using crutches to get around. Fun.

Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter where you spend you anniversary, as long as you’re together.

Below, the song for our first dance…

Continue reading “Twentieth Century Fox”

Screw York

A new trendy hotel in New York City is generating a lot of buzz… and friction.

Grannies and other residents of a Lower East Side public-housing building say they’ve been getting an X-rated eyeful since Ian Schrager’s fancy Public hotel opened next door in June — because its guests keep having sex in view of their homes. The randy guests don’t just get down in beds with the blinds open, either — they’re doing it right up against the windows, residents said.

Schrager’s slick, 28-story, 376-room Chrystie Street inn promotes itself as “luxury for all” — although rooms start at around $225 a night — with a rooftop bar that transforms into a late-night hot spot.

“A hotel is supposed to be more than just a place to sleep — it’s supposed to make your heart beat faster,” Schrager says in an artsy promo video for the hotel. From what neighbors have witnessed, his patrons’ pulses are racing — with one telling other tenants that she saw a guy pleasuring himself in the window.

Now see, that’s just wrong. If you’re going to “rub one out,” have the common decency to do it in front of a cemetery, like I do.

Norwegian Wood

The Scandinavian country of Norway was named the “Happiest Country on Earth” this year, and if this survey is accurate, I think we found the reason why.

Sex toy company Lelo has conducted a global survey to find out which country has the most orgasms and where they’re most intense. Coming in first is Norway, with 35 percent of respondents claiming to orgasm every day.

Coming in first?” I see what you did there!

That’s more than three times more than Brits, with only 11 percent claiming to climax so regularly. That might not seem so impressive, but it actually beats the average global rate of climax which is two to three times per week.

There is no relation between the amount of noise someone makes and the intensity of the climax, but in case you were wondering Brazilians are the loudest. A whopping 65 percent claim to be noisy when they’re getting off, compared to second place Norway with 39.9 percent.

Brazilians are not only loud, but they scream in Portuguese. Plus, they’re usually waxed, which is hot.

Boobs: It There Nothing They Can’t Do?

When I am finally sick and tired of police work, I must land a job as a researcher. The hours are great, the pay is ridiculous, and the benefits are bodacious.

Breast implants, made popular by celebrities desiring a bigger chest, can lessen gunshot injuries by slowing down bullets.

Having them fitted could prove the difference between life or death, researchers behind the bizarre findings claim. They discovered bullets travel 20 per cent less far when shot into the implants, potentially stopping vital organ damage.

In recent years, with fake breasts growing in trend, numerous women have come forward to say their surgically-enhanced chest has saved their life in this way.

The world is a violent place, and as a law enforcement professional with personal experience handling shootings, I must insist every woman in America demand breast implants. Do it for the children!

Radiohead To Anti-Semites: Drop Dead

Alternative British band Radiohead has been receiving flak for agreeing to perform in Tel Aviv, Israel this month. Last weekend, they responded to the haters in the most Radiohead way possible.

Radiohead continued to battle the anti-Israel Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement. During the band’s Friday night concert at the TRNSMT Festival in Glasgow, several activists raised Palestinian flags as well as a “Radiohead: #canceltelaviv” sign, and held demonstrations outside the venue, causing lead singer Thom Yorke to respond.

According to Consequence of Sound, prior to the band’s performance of “Myxomatosis,” Yorke reportedly exclaimed, “Some f#cking people!” while staring out into the crowd. He was also caught giving the middle finger to the flag wavers.

Yorke called it “patronizing in the extreme” to presume Radiohead is unfamiliar with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, pointing out that guitarist Jonny Greenwood’s wife is an Israeli Jew.

Beautiful. I’ve always been a Radiohead fan – their song “Creep” is phenomenal – but their pro-Israel stance makes me appreciate them that much more.

Tipping Is Not A City In China

There is a brilliant scene in Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink – played by Steve Buscemi – explains the reasoning behind the fact he never leaves a tip. Ironically, Buscemi always leaves a tip in real life, primarily because of that scene.

A new study took a look at the tipping phenomenon, and the results may surprise you.

Men, Republicans, and residents of the northeast are the best tippers.

Women tip a median of 16 percent, while Democrats and southerners leave a median 15 percent at a restaurant, according to a new survey of more than 1,000 American adults conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates International on behalf of CreditCards.com. That’s compared with the median 20 percent that men, Republicans, and northeasterners leave. Those who pay with plastic leave a median 20 percent, compared with 15 percent for those who pay in cash.

My mother worked as a waitress for years, so I had firsthand knowledge of how tough the job can be. My minimum tip is twenty percent, pretty much across the board, and has been for as long as I can remember. To quote Vincent Antonelli in My Blue Heaven, “It’s not tipping I believe in. It’s overtipping.”

Some people apparently do not share this view:

Though roughly half of people tip between 16 percent and 20 percent, about a fifth of restaurant goers polled admitted to stiffing the wait staff at least occasionally.

I have never done that. Not once. Even if the service was terrible, the waiter/waitress received something, if only because the guilt would eat at me.

Bang The Drum Slowly

Unrelated Holly Sonders photo.
British researchers have released a study claiming hot, sweaty, screaming sex is good for you.

Wait, sex is good? Why was I not informed?

If you need the motivation to choose hot action in bed over the action on telly this weekend, we’ve rounded up the major health reasons to have sex tonight.

In fact, making love could be one of the few pleasures in life that is genuinely good for you, say researchers. A new study from Coventry University has even just found that frequent sexual activity in older adults can boost brain power.

Researchers found that people who engaged in more regular sexual activity scored higher on tests that measured their verbal fluency and their ability to visually perceive objects and the spaces between them.

I have always possessed a keen knowledge of perceiving the space between a woman’s breasts, as well as the space between me and said breasts. It’s a gift that cannot be taught.

Checking His (Re)Tires

After a long and distinguished… career, longtime reader, commenter, and punslinger Mike (AKA Proof) is retiring this afternoon.

Let’s all deride him and pelt him with vegetables!

Oh sorry, that’s just the jealousy talking. Keep your vegetables – or cans of V8 – and instead congratulate him on this momentous occasion. The fact he did not murder his coworkers or spike his boss’ coffee with antifreeze is both a credit to him, and to us all.

Congratulations, Proof! Your retirement gift is fellow sexy Californian Jessica Alba.

Wait, Jessica is a sexy Californian, but the jury is still out on Proof.

Orange: The New Black

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released unemployment numbers this week, and if you are a member of the African-American community, you will be very pleased.

Unemployment among black Americans ages 16 years and over fell to 7.5 percent in May, its lowest level since December 2000.

Black unemployment has been on the decline since February — falling from (February) 8.1, (March) 8.0, (April) 7.9, and (May) 7.5 percent, according to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The national unemployment rate in May was 4.3 percent, its lowest level since May 2001.

Donald Trump hates black people! Or something.

The reason I used Breitbart as the post source is because while checking teh interwebz yesterday, there was no mention of the unemployment numbers on the websites of the three major networks, nor at CNN’s site. That may have changed, since I wrote this yesterday, but if a Democrat was in the White House it would be front page news.