Report: Chicks Pick Slick Dick Flicks

Good news, everyone; more women are watching more pr0n!

Actually, that’s not good news, because if women are watching more pr0n, they have less use for us.

It’s that time of year: when we look at what kind of porn everyone watched last year.

Both Pornhub and xHamster have recently unveiled year-in-review reports for 2017. And while much of it is far from surprising (people like cheerleaders, can you believe it?), one finding consistent across both reports further confirms what many have known all along: Women are watching more porn.

Let’s start with Pornhub. Its 2017 report notes that 28.5 billion people visited the site last year. The number one search among those billions of users? That’d be “Porn for Women,” a term that saw 359 percent growth among female users between 2016 and 2017. Among overall users, the phrase saw a 1,400 percent increase year over year.

That’s hot. For the record, however, I’m not a huge fan of cheerleaders. My preferences revolve around waitresses and naughty schoolmarms.

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Unemployment Numbers Are In The Black

Under President Trump, minority unemployment is at the lowest levels in forty-five years.

While economists and Wall Street analysts described December’s jobs report as “below consensus” or even “disappointing,” there was nothing disappointing for one broad group of Americans: minorities. For them, the Trump economy is delivering, big time.

Almost unnoticed by the mainstream media, unemployment rates for Hispanics, African-Americans and Asians have not only fallen, but are now at all-time lows. That’s right: Unemployment has never been lower for minorities, at least not since 1972, when such records first started being kept.

Over the past year, the unemployment rate has dropped 17% for Hispanics, 14% for African Americans and 11% for Asians. More significantly, the jobless rate for African Americans fell to a record low 6.8% in December from 7.2% the month before. And it was the first time ever that unemployment for African Americans ever fell below 7%.

But remember, guys; Donald Trump is a disgusting racist and a rabid white supremacist.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

This deadly bout of global warming is the perfect opportunity to remind my female readers to take care of their most important resources: their nipples.

Emergency rooms around the state are normally filled with patients suffering from the flu or from injuries related to snow mobiling, but this year’s cold snap is bringing patients in with an age-old problem.

“When it’s this cold, we try to warn people they’ll chip a nip out there if they aren’t careful,” Maine Medical Center emergency room physician Dr. Sanjay Acharya said.

The medical term for chipped nips is hyperextreme nipple glaciation, and it only occurs when air temperatures drop below 10 degrees Fahrenheit.

If any ladies are in need, my warming services are always free of charge.

The Georgia Peaches

An out-of-control lingerie party resulted in seventy arrests, and the confiscation of drugs and guns. Gawd, I need to move to Georgia.

According to Cartersville officials, the police department responded to Cain Drive in the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve after getting reports of shots being fired.

When officers got there, they were met with the smell of marijuana and several people trying to run from the area. After entering the home, officers said they saw weed in plain view and confiscated a semi-automatic weapon. Because of the presence of drugs, a gun and the sheer number of people inside, Cartersville Police notified the Bartow-Cartersville Drug Task Force to assist.

The drug task force got a search warrant and recovered two weapons (one reportedly stolen from Detroit, Mich.), individually-wrapped packages of marijuana and several smoking devices. Drug agents also found individually-wrapped packages of cocaine and other paraphernalia on several people.

My New Year’s Eve was spent playing Nintendo Wii with the kids, struggling to stay up until midnight, and wincing at the sound of Jenny McCarthy’s voice.

Some Real Dallas Stars

A Dallas middle school was worried there would not be enough men to show up for their “Breakfast With Dads” event, so they asked for a few volunteers on Facebook. The response was amazing.

When Dade Middle School in South Dallas put out a call for volunteers to help with a “Breakfast with Dads” event, there was a fear there wouldn’t be enough dads for the students.

“We were asked to help get some extra guys to stand in as surrogate fathers and mentors for the kids whose dad’s couldn’t make it or don’t have a dad in their life,” Dade SBDM Board President Donald Parish said.

On Thursday morning, nearly 600 men arrived at the school. The crowd of volunteers came from diverse backgrounds, including dads from various parts of Dallas, men in local law enforcement, public officials and community organizers.

Each father visited and inspired in a different way. Some taught the kids how to tie a tie, an auctioneer showed them how to auction like a pro, while others offered general guidance and advice. (H/T – TXNick)

There’s just something about Texas that makes it impossible to dislike.

A Christmas Musical Interlude

For as long as I can remember, every Christmas Eve here has featured NORAD Tracks Santa and my two favorite Christmas songs. The first one is “Christmas Wrapping” from The Waitresses. It is far and away, without a doubt, the best Christmas song of all time.

And if there is a backup favorite, it would be this. Yes, I know “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC is an odd choice, but I’m a product of the 80’s.

I’ll have a few posts tomorrow, but in case you’re busy, have a terrific Christmas.

NORAD Tracks Santa

Shhh, be very, very quiet. We’re tracking Santa!

That’s right, kids, it’s Christmas Eve and if you have little ones at home – as I do – you may be spending your day tracking Santa’s location as he delivers presents to the good little boys and girls.

NORAD Tracks Santa shows Santa’s exact location around the world, and records his magical flight.

In our house, this is the best part of Christmas Eve, and a family tradition.

You can track Santa by going here. Merry Christmas!

Man Sees Christmas In a Good Light

Meet Britain’s Ross Shaddick.

Shaddick is a thrifty gentleman, which has come in handy during the Christmas season, because he is using the same lights his mother purchased in 1969.

38-year-old Ross Shaddick lives in Plymouth, England, and says his mom bought the lights back in 1969 for a whopping 3 pounds ― the equivalent of around $58 in 2017.

Although the lights came with a spare set of bulbs, Shaddick says he’s never needed to replace them. By comparison, he bought some LED Christmas lights two years ago for around $25, and they’re already on the fritz.

Shaddick would like the older lights to celebrate their 50th anniversary of use, so he takes special care of them by storing them on a plastic tree year-round “so we don’t have to keep wrapping them and unwrapping them,” he said.

He added: “I will only have them on if I’m in the room with them ― to keep an eye on them. As the years go on I increase my checks.”

To be brutally honest, I am crazy, stupid jealous of this guy. My Christmas lights usually have a shelf life of one year – even the LEDs. I would give my right arm to own a set of lights which lasted five years; although I guess it would be difficult for me to put them on the roof.

Dinosaurs Will Rule Again!

A British scientist is claiming geneticists may be able bring back dinosaurs using their preserved blood.

The world of palentology has been abuzz since the discovery of a 99 million-year-old tick holding onto a feather of a dinosaur – indicating the parasite fed on the blood of the prehistoric monsters.

The find is so incredible because it is incredibly rare to find a parasite with its host and provides the clearest evidence yet that ticks dined on dino blood. And the blood from the tick could theoretically be used to bring back dinosaurs.

Earlier this year, science expert and author Helen Pilcher claimed species can be brought back from extinction.

Now some of you may say this is wrong; that it’s a sin against God, To that, I say, God, schmod, I want my Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Better Red Than Dead

Scientists confirmed what I have known about redheads for a long time: they have superpowers.

Dr. Augustin Galopin reportedly detected that red-headed women emit a particularly distinct aroma — that of ambergris, an earthy and sensual scent. (Later, science proved that skin mantle — a thin, acidic film on our skin’s surface — is actually more acidic in redheads, causing perfume to more quickly evaporate when applied and potentially emitting a unique smell of its own.)

Not only are “gingers” a mere 2 per cent of the population, they’re also different in far subtler ways. Research indicates that redheads have higher thresholds for pain and need less vitamin D than the rest of us thanks to the MC1R gene mutation, which gives their hair its hue.

These and other fascinating facts fill the new tome The Big Redhead Book (St. Martins), out now, by scarlet-haired writer Erin La Rosa.

Strangely enough, moonbatty leftist redheads like Christina Hendricks do not smell nearly as good as regular redheads. It must be all the patchouli and bile.