“The Dog Poo Killed My Husband”

Meet Rachel Fidanian of Lakeland, Florida.

In nearly a quarter century of policing, I have heard some rather terrible excuses, but this sexy beast threw out the all-time winner. Hands down.

The stabbing death occurred on June 25, but a medical examiner’s report recently ruled the death of 40-year-old Bryant Fidanian as a murder. Polk County detectives said the wife, and suspect, 38-year-old Rachel Fidanian “gave several inconsistent statements” about the events leading up to the stabbing.

Sweet fancy Moses, she’s only 38? Yikes!

Rachel gave two different explanations during the initial 911 call. She first said she was holding her dog while doing dishes, then ran towards her husband, slipped, and a knife entered his shoulder area. Later in the call, detectives said she explained holding her dog while slicing pizza, went to talk to her husband, tripped and accidentally stabbed him.

While Polk County Fire Rescue officials were providing medical care, detectives said Rachel explained she was slicing a pizza she just cooked and noticed her dog defecated on itself. She went to clean the feces with the knife still in her hand, investigators said, but tripped on the mess and fell on the victim.

Unlike her alibi, Rachel’s kitchen was not full of shit, and she was arrested for murder.

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Oh What A Ness She Made

Meet Samantha Ness of Rosemont, Minnesota.

Samantha is a deranged leftist who also teaches special needs children in the Twin Cities. Sadly, it would appear she does not have the “temperament” to educate young kids.

Samantha Ness, a teacher at Alliance Education Center in Rosemont, faced instant backlash after threatening Kavanaugh on Twitter over the weekend.

It’s “who’s,” genius. Looks like that education major really paid off.

Twitter uses were quick to call out the concerning tweet and identify Ness as a local teacher with Intermediate District 917 which offers students needing “low incidence special education services” to school districts in the Twin Cities area.

Ness deleted the tweet and attempted to scrub her social media footprint, de-activating both her Twitter and Facebook. However, a plethora of screenshots remain from social media users, including a web archive of her post.

Thankfully, Minnesota education administrators leaped into inaction…

The school responded to the uproar on Monday. Superintendent Mark Zuzek released a statement indicating the school was investigating the situation, saying the employee had been placed on paid administrative leave.

Samantha Ness threatened a Supreme Court justice and the Minnesota Department of Education suspended the woman with pay? I’m not suggesting she be fired before an investigation, but this certainly warrants suspension without pay. Or am I wrong here?

President Trump: Speaking Truth To Power

President Trump met with the Democrat media yesterday, and addressed the troubling trend where men are guilty until proven innocent.

President Donald Trump reacted to the cultural implications of the sexual assault allegations against Judge Brett Kavanaugh before departing for a speech in Philadelphia on the South Lawn.

“My whole life, I’ve heard you’re innocent until proven guilty. But now you’re guilty until proven innocent. That is a very, very difficult standard. I say that it’s a very scary time for young men in America when you can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of,” Trump said, adding, “What’s happening here is much more to do than even the appointment of a Supreme Court Justice.”

The president continued, saying, “You can be somebody that was perfect your entire life and somebody could accuse you of something … that is one of the very, very bad things that’s taking place right now.”

Now I get why some people don’t like the president’s bombastic was of speaking or his attacks on his opponents, but name me another president in the last thirty years who would have made these remarks? Donald Trump won the presidency not because he was the best politician or the world’s smartest man; he won the presidency because he understands the American people, and the problems they deal with every single day.

Ellison To Be Investigated By Own Party

The Minnesota Democrat Party has decided they will investigate credibly accused domestic abuser Keith Ellison. Amazingly, the party hired one of their own lawyers for the Kabuki theater independent investigation.

Minnesota Democrats’ self-described “independent” investigation into domestic abuse allegations against Rep. Keith Ellison is being handled by the party attorney’s legal partner.

Ellison, the deputy chair of the Democratic National Committee and nominee for Minnesota attorney general, is accused of physically and emotionally abusing his ex-girlfriend, liberal Sierra Club activist Karen Monahan. Ellison has repeatedly denied Monahan’s accusations.

That doesn’t matter, because the new rules say if someone comes forward with an assault claim, the accused must prove his innocence.

Minneapolis lawyer Susan Ellingstad took over the Ellison investigation from the state party’s attorney following Ellison’s primary victory in August.

Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor (DFL) Party Chairman Ken Martin told the AP they hired Ellingstad to make sure the investigation “wouldn’t be colored by people with associations with the party.”

Ellingstad is a legal partner with the state party’s attorney, Charlie Nauen, who handled the early stages of the investigation. Ellingstad and Nauen are partners at Lockridge Grindal Nauen P.L.L.P., which bears the DFL attorney’s name.

So basically this investigation was closed before it ever began. The hypocrisy of the Democrats knows no bounds. Now I may have missed it, but has law enforcement started an investigation into Monahan’s claims, or did they just trust the Democrats to police their own?

He’s Gonna Get Sued Right Meow

Comedian Jim Gaffigan is being sued by a man who claims Gaffigan’s 11-year old daughter hit him in the head with a soccer ball. The “victim” claims his injuries left him unable to work.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan, who jokes about his five kids tormenting him and his wife Jeannie, got fresh material after his daughter allegedly injured a Queens man by socking him with a soccer ball.

Well, the victim certainly lives in the appropriate borough. Wuss.

James Kent was working on a TV commercial shoot featuring Gaffigan in 2016 when he was “severely” hurt by Gaffigan’s then 11-year-old, Marre Gaffigan, Kent claims. He accused the funnyman’s daughter of booting a ball that clonked him on the noggin during the filming of an ad for Chrysler Pacifica in Montclair, N.J.

The kick left him injured and unable to work, Kent alleges in a suit filed in Queens Supreme Court on Sept. 17. He’s seeking unspecified damages.

Literally the only reason Kent decided to sue is because Gaffigan has deep pockets. The American legal system is a clown show anymore, and until people are punished for frivolous lawsuits, the situation will never improve.

This Is Not Happening!

A highway in Britain was shut down for hours after a tractor-trailer caught fire. There were many casualties, all of them seemingly delicious.

The A20 has now fully reopened almost 12 hours after a lorry burst into flames on the westbound carriageway at Dover. The cause of the fire is believed to have been an overheated exhaust turbo.

A Kent Fire and Rescue spokesman said: “The HGV, which was carrying around 30 tons of frozen potato chips, suffered extensive fire, heat and smoke damage.”

For the record, “chips” in Britain are actually French fries… because Britain is retarded.

End. This. Now.

Editor’s Note: This post will be chock full of “sentence enhancers,” because I an truly fed up with this bullshit. Alleged victim Christine Blasey Ford has rejected the Senate’s request to testify Monday, and is being allowed to dictate her own terms, at the expense of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.

The GOP has been told that Ford does not want to fly from her California home to Washington, according to the Republican senator, which means she may need to drive across the country to make the hearing. Ford has reportedly told friends she is uncomfortable in confined spaces, indicating a physical difficulty in making the trip by plane.

She doesn’t want to fly? Are you fucking kidding me? Someone check the airline rolls to see when the last time this lying scrunt was on a plane. I’d wager she’s flown at least once in 2018. Hey Christine, Amtrak can get you from Los Angeles to Washington in less than three days. Get your fat ass on the rails.

The party is assenting to two of the terms Ford’s lawyers laid out in a Thursday evening call with staff from both parties, the senator said: limiting the hearing to one camera and ensuring that Kavanaugh is not in the same room as her.

So members of the Senate have denied Judge Kavanaugh his Sixth Amendment rights? Did America transform into a banana republic while I was asleep? This is utter and complete bullshit.

There is also a rumor going around they will force Kavanaugh to testify first, before Blasey-Ford’s rebuttal. When the fuck did this become the standard? SHE accused HIM! The burden of proof is on the prosecution, not the defense, which is why defendants never speak first. You fucking assholes are mostly lawyers besides politicians; have you paid no attention to the law?

And before you ask, no this is not a criminal hearing, per se, but it is a political trial. There is testimony, witnesses, and a de facto jury of senators, so there is no reason to deny the accused his constitutional rights, nor force him to testify first. How the fuck can he address the charges if they have not been formally read into the record?

This is fucking bullshit, and nothing more than the Democrats’ attempt to destroy an honorable man, all because they lost an election. If you still think the November midterms aren’t important, you are simply not paying attention.

Hold the vote, and get Judge Kavanaugh confirmed. The fucking Democrats aren’t going to vote for him, and the media will continue to destroy Kavanaugh’s reputation whether they hold the vote or not. Show some fucking balls for a change, you useless GOP dickheads.

Goldclinger

Indian officials arrested a man trying to smuggle nine gold bars into the country by hiding them in his ass.

A man has been arrested by the Customs department at the Indira Gandhi International (IGI) airport here for allegedly trying to smuggle one kg gold by hiding it in his rectum, an official statement said Wednesday.

The 24-year-old passenger was intercepted upon his arrival from Dubai Monday.

On detailed baggage examination and personal search, it was discovered that the accused had hidden nine gold bars, weighing 1.04 kg, inside his rectum.

The man claimed his doctor advised him to take in more vitamins and minerals.

What A Waste

Meet Amanda Peters of Livingston, Kentucky. The “gorgeous” 26-year old proves police work is a really shitty job.

Peters, of Livingston, Ky., gave an officer a fake name after she was tracked down on an outstanding warrant out of a neighboring county. The officer then traced Peters to a local house and entered the home with an arrest citation.

Peters reportedly tried to avoid the cop by locking herself in a bathroom, but the cop was able to make her way into the room.

There, Peters “intentionally released her bowels in an upward motion with purposeful direction at this deputy – causing said bodily waste to land on the face, arms, and legs of this deputy.”

Funny, she doesn’t look like the kind of woman who would fling her own poo. Imaging looking that nasty at 26; then imagine what this bint will look like at forty.

As penance for my male readers, I give you this palate cleanser.

“What’s Wrong With These People?”

A group of animals in Wilmington, North Carolina, braved Hurricane Florence long enough to loot a local Family Dollar store Saturday.

Authorities said about 1:30 p.m. they became aware of looting taking place at the Dollar General on 5th and Dawson Streets but were initially asked by management “not to intervene at this time.”

They later said on Twitter that they were working to identify the thieves and would “will charge them to the fullest extent of the law.”

“In response to looting in the area, an extended curfew is now in place for the block between 13th, 14th, Greenfield and Martin Streets. This curfew went into effect at 5 pm and will remain in effect until 6 am. The citywide curfew will run from 10 pm until 6 am.”

I sincerely hope every one of these sub-humans drowns in a flood, but only after being struck by a fallen utility pole and electrocuted by power lines.