Intent To Deliver… A Sausage

The once proud state of Michigan pulled a boner this week when they allowed some broad to change the police policy on prostitution.

Michigan is moving to become the final state in the country to stop allowing police officers to legally have sex with prostitutes they are investigating.

“We have the dubious distinction of being the last state in the nation to have this law in our books,” Republican state Sen. Judy Emmons, who sponsored a bill to end the exemption, said in a statement.

Most other states only require confirmation of intent to commit the crime — without the cops doing the deed themselves.

Great, so there is absolutely no reason to visit Michigan ever again.

Emmons introduced the bill in March and the state’s Senate Judiciary Committee unanimously passed it on Tuesday, sending it to the full Senate for consideration.

As of now, Michigan is the only state that gives immunity to police officers who get too deep undercover with prostitutes they’re probing.

Heh, heh, “probing.” Personally I think this is a ridiculous idea, and not because I already put in a transfer to the Ann Arbor Police Department. There is a difference between agreeing on payment for sex, and actually slipping someone the pickle.

A simple verbal agreement does not hold as much water – or some other liquid – as does deep penetration. The fact this legislation was proposed by a homely-looking Republican vexes me. I’m terribly vexed.

Animal Murders Elderly Man In Cleveland

Meet Steve Stephens, the so-called “Facebook Killer.”

An arrest warrant has been issued for Stephens after he murdered an elderly grandfather while he was walking down a Cleveland street. Stephens claimed he has murdered over a dozen people so far, and was last rumored to be in the area of Erie, Pennsylvania.

Police in Ohio urged residents in Pennsylvania, New York, Indiana and Michigan to be on the lookout for Steve Stephens, 37, who may have fled Cleveland after allegedly gunning down Robert Godwin Sr., 74.

An arrest warrant was issued for the suspect, who is wanted on a charge of aggravated murder after posting the shaky video of himself confronting the elderly man — a father of nine and grandfather of 14 — holding a plastic bag.

“Found me somebody I’m going to kill,” he says, chillingly. “I’m going to kill this guy right here. He’s an old old dude, too.” He asks his victim a “favor” by saying his girlfriend’s name, Joy Lane, whom Godwin said he didn’t know.

“She’s the reason that this is about to happen to you,” Stephens tells Godwin, who then shields his face with the bag before being shot in the head.

The son of a bitch murdered Mr. Godwin on Easter Sunday. Let that sink in.

Stephens claimed he will continue murdering people until he is caught, so this animal needs to be put down as soon as possible. The video of the murder can still be found online, but I wouldn’t recommend watching it. It will make you very, very angry.

Massage Parlor Rubs Cops The Wrong Way

An Austin, Texas business is facing stiff fines after failing to clean their pipes.

The property manager for Jade Massage Therapy LLC contacted investigators Feb. 7 to report suspected prostitution at the business.

The property manager “became aware of a problem when an industrial waste disposal unit connecting the property to city sewer services became clogged and destroyed by hundreds of condoms,” arrest affidavits state.

Police launched an investigation that found the business was being advertised on a website that often solicits prostitution services and officers conducted a weekslong stakeout that involved pulling over two customers who left the massage parlor.

Police work is a dirty job, but we will do whatever it takes to make sure someone goes to the pokey.

Members of the Austin Police Department Human Trafficking Unit and members of the Criminal Conspiracy Unit executed a search warrant at the business March 22 and found Juan Wang, who owns the business with her husband, Joseph Emery, in a room with a nude man.

Wait a minute; one of the owners is named Juan Wang? Oh, that’s rich!

Nobody Expects The Alabama Inquisition!

The Alabama State Senate is allowing churches to form their own police departments.

Apparently the priests have had enough of the empty collection plates.

Lawmakers on Tuesday voted 24-4 to allow Briarwood Presbyterian Church in Birmingham to establish a law enforcement department. The church says it needs its own police officers to keep its school as well as its more than 4,000 person congregation safe.

The state has given a few private universities the authority to have a police force, but never a church or non-school entity.

The church officers’ duties include escorting crying babies to the punishment room, tasering parishioners who fall asleep, and enforcing the No-Whore dress code.

If Nothing Else, This Guy Is Headstrong

Pennsylvania resident Jordan Richardson apparently never saw the film Animal House. If he did, he would have realized angry, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.

Jordan S Richardson of New Holland was charged with aggravated assault, resisting arrest, simple assault and criminal mischief in the 3:49 a.m. incident in the 300 block of East Jackson Street.

Police found Richardson, who appeared to be under the influence of a controlled substance, outside, naked and arguing with his father. He resisted arrested and at one point climbed on top of a vehicle on East Jackson Street while yelling obscenities. He was also charged with aggravated assault by Ephrata police after being accused of spitting saliva mixed with blood into the face of an EMT.

In addition to attacking his father, he punched an officer several times in the head.

Richardson was tasered twice and pulled the barbs out not once, but twice. That’s like pulling out nipple rings. Believe me, I know.

The Most Tragical Place On Earth

Walt Disney World is implementing metal detectors and bag security checks at the Orlando theme park. The media believes this news is a prelude to human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, and mass hysteria!

Visitors to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will go through metal detectors and get bags checked at the Transportation and Ticket Center starting Monday.

The center, known as the TTC, is a major hub for Magic Kingdom visitors. People driving to the Magic Kingdom park at TTC, then board monorails or ferries to cross Seven Seas Lagoon and reach the attraction. Currently, visitors can board the monorails and ferryboats without going through bag checks or metal detectors.

Guests arriving at Magic Kingdom via the monorail or ferry won’t have to go through security once they get to the theme park itself. However, the Magic Kingdom will still have some bag checks and metal detectors for visitors arriving by other transportation, such as buses.

This is such a non-story that it makes my eyes bleed. Disney World has been checking bags for a while now, and metal detectors should have been in place for years. It’s a miracle a shooting incident hasn’t happened there already.

In fact, the last time the missus and I were in Disney sans kids, a lunatic took his son and a waiter hostage at the Boardwalk Inn. The hotel was a stone’s throw from where were staying.

Personally, I see this as a responsible move, instead of a sign of the apocalypse.

FBI To Congress: Tap This

Devin Nunes, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is claiming the FBI is dragging its feet in response to the committee’s request for information on its Russian investigation.

I am shocked and appalled.

The chairman of the House Intelligence Committee said the FBI is still not cooperating with the committee’s request for information pertaining to its Russia investigation, which includes leaks that precipitated the resignation of national security adviser General Mike Flynn.

Nunes said last Wednesday that the FBI had not said whether it would respond to the committee’s March 15 letter. He told THE WEEKLY STANDARD on Tuesday that the agency was still not cooperating, and that he did not know why.

“We’re still having an issue there,” he said. “I’m trying to get to the bottom of that.”

The agency promised to brief the committee but that has yet to occur, he added. Nunes said the NSA and CIA are cooperating with the request. (H/TAOSHQ)

Perhaps after eight years of continual lawlessness, the Obama holdovers believe Congress, like herpes, is simply something to be ignored.

Alabama Slammer

Meet Jesse O’Neal Roberts of Elkmont, Alabama.

Jesse is a proud supporter of guns, and he practices his Second Amendment privileges by storing his weapon safely in a cool, dry place.

Jesse O’Neal Roberts, 23, was arrested after midnight when deputies responded to a call about a prowler on Esten Lane. The caller found Roberts around his garage and held the suspect at gunpoint until deputies arrived.

Deputy Chad Harbin found Roberts, who was showing signs of impairment, and arrested him for public intoxication. When they arrived at the jail, corrections officers noticed Roberts appeared to be walking “strangely.”

While being searched, Roberts stumbled and a Jimenez .380-caliber pistol pistol fell from his body cavity.

Sooo, let’s begin:

Rectum? I hardly know him!

If the gun had gone off would it be a colon pow?

Roberts apparently planned to blow his brains out.

Attempted Vehicle Attack At U.S. Capitol

Between this nonsense yesterday and the repeated attempts to breach the White House grounds, I think it’s safe to say far too many Americans have gone clinically insane.

At 9:22 a.m. (Wednesday), Capitol police officers observed an “erratic and aggressive driver” in the vicinity of 100 Independence Ave, according to Eva Malecki, communications director for the United States Capitol Police.

As the officers tried to stop the vehicle, the driver pulled a U-turn and fled the scene, apparently striking another vehicle and nearly hitting officers. A brief pursuit ensued until the female suspect was stopped at Washington Ave.

Capitol Police fired shots in an attempt to stop the driver. No one was hit, police said. The female suspect – Taleah Everett, 20, who was held on seven counts of assault of a police officer and two counts of destruction of property, among other charges – was apprehended at 3rd and Independence Ave.

The incident appears to be criminal in nature with no nexus to terrorism, Malecki added.

The incident began at 9:22am, and in the ABC News story – posted at 10:30am – they claim this is not an act of terrorism. Maybe, maybe not, but how can a thorough investigation determine that in an hour? The answer is, they can’t.

Rumble In The… Um, Seat

Two Virginia residents have been arrested after being found batter-dipping the corn dog inside a parked vehicle.

It also didn’t help that the female involved did not take the interruption lightly.

“At approximately 3:32 p.m. on March 22, officers were dispatched to the report of two subjects allegedly engaged in sexual activity in public view,” Arlington County Police said in a crime report. “As officers were conducting the investigation, the female subject charged at the officer and struck him repeatedly.”

“Nicole Faircloth, 42, of No Fixed Address was arrested and charged with assault and battery on police and performing a sexual act in a public place,” the crime report continued. “Petko Ubiparipovic, 42, of No Fixed Address, was arrested and charged with performing a sexual act in a public place. Both were held on bond.”

Whao, whoa, whoa… You can be arrested for having sex in a car? Doc, fire up the DeLorean; I need to warn 1985 Wyatt to not touch Tara Durkin’s goodies.

Oh, and before you ask, yes, I did Google Faircloth’s photo. You can thank me for taking a proverbial bullet to the eyes after seeing this wildebeest.