Trouble In The Beltway

Meet Adrian Varner of Monroe, Louisiana.

Adrian did not appreciate the way her 12-year old daughter was acting, so she decided to whoop her daughter’s ass with a belt. Then things just got weird, even for Louisiana.

According to a probable cause affidavit, Varner recorded video of herself striking her child “with a belt several times” and then posted the clip to Instagram.

The beating, which apparently was some kind of disciplinary measure, left the girl with “visible bruising to her right arm and right thigh areas.”

After being read her rights, Varner, seen at right, was questioned about striking her child and reportedly admitted to “beating her motherfucking ass and embarrassing her on Instagram.”

Well, at least her heart is in the right place. I mean, let him who is without sin grab the nearest belt and slap the first ass.

An American Werewolf In Italy

A 64-year old American man was arrested in Sicily after his private jet was checked for contraband. Unfortunately for the American, police found weapons and narcotics.

Patrick Joseph Horan, 64, told police he was visiting relatives on the Italian island when he landed on Friday, according to news agency Ansa.

But a check carried out on the aircraft was said to have uncovered guns, bows and arrows and 1kg (35oz) of marijuana.

You’d think Sicily would be more amenable to such items. Have movies been lying to me all this time?

The items were reportedly seized and Mr Horan was taken away for questioning. They said weapons – including two pistols, a rifle and ammunition – had been placed in boxes while the drugs were sealed in plastic bags and water bottles.

Sadly, the guns and drugs disappeared shortly after being placed into the property room. The security cameras allegedly overheard a husky voice say, “Yeah, you didn’t see nothin’.”

Bad Times At The El Starbucks

An argument outside a Florida Starbucks ended with one man dead and the other charged for the alleged murder. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the coffee isn’t that great, people!

A witness told police that Justin Boersma cut off a man in line at the drive-thru, so the other man got out of his truck, started banging on Boersma’s window, and ripped the door handle off, according to an arrest report obtained by the Orlando Sentinel.

I can understand the man’s anger, but honestly, was it worth it to confront this jackass? Scream inside your car and flip him the bird, but this isn’t the America where we grew up. Americans kill people if you give them a sideways glance nowadays.

As the other man started walking back to his truck, Boersma got out of his car and fatally shot him.

Boersma may have had a (weak) case if he shot the man while we was banging on the window. Getting out and shooting the man as he walked back to his vehicle? Yeah, that’s a cut-and-dry homicide.

The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office said that when deputies arrived at the scene, the victim was sitting in his car suffering from gunshot wounds and was transported to a local hospital where he was pronounced dead. Samuel Rossetti, 31, has been identified as the man who was shot and killed.

Another man lost over a senseless act. And for what? Uncontrollable anger? Humanity is doomed.

Trust Our Intellectual Betters

A Minnesota – naturally – psychologist is accused of allegedly sexually assaulting jailed sex offenders while she was supposed to be treating them. She was treating them, all right… with her vagina.

A psychologist who worked for more than six years at a state-operated treatment center for sex offenders in northern Minnesota has been charged with sexually assaulting two men while they were in custody at the facility.

The psychologist, Michelle D. Brownfield, 38, of Duluth, was charged with two counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct involving the men, who were undergoing treatment for sexual offenses. A warrant covering Minnesota and its border states has been issued for her arrest.

The Star Tribune does not identify sexual assault victims without their consent. Before the charges against Brownfield were filed, both of her alleged victims told the Star Tribune in several interviews that they felt pressured to engage in sexual acts with her because of her position of authority, and fears that she might recommend against their release if they resisted her advances.

Now, I’m no detective, but my guess is Brownfield will be sternly reprimanded, retain her position, and be awarded tenure at the University of Minnesota.

Doting Son Has Mother Over For Dinner

Alberto Sánchez Gómez is a loving, caring son from Spain who loved spending time with his mother. In fact, he had her for dinner frequently, but not in the way anyone would enjoy.

Alberto Sánchez Gómez was arrested in 2019 after police went to the home of his 66-year-old mother following concerns from a friend.

Police said they found body parts scattered around the apartment – some kept in plastic containers. The defendant has told the court he does not remember dismembering and eating his mother.

Some of the human remains were in the process of being cooked and others stored in containers.

The defendant, who was 26 at the time, reportedly confessed to strangling his mother and said he had sometimes eaten the body parts and sometimes given them to the dog.

Dismiss this trial, and shoot this POS right in the face… then feed him to the pigs.

A Severe Case Of The Munchies

An Oklahoma man led police on a miles-long chase after he stole a Doritos truck which was idling at a gas station. I guess it’s safer than stealing an armored car.

According to police in Oklahoma City, 34-year-old Joshua Karpe stole a Doritos delivery truck on March 21. The delivery driver had pulled up to a gas station and left the vehicle idling as he went inside. That was all Karpe needed as he jumped inside and took off, the Frito Lay employee noticing the truck was across the street in another parking lot. When he approached the stolen vehicle, Karpe took off.

As Karpe led police on a wild yet slow chase, Oklahoma Highway Patrol and Garfield County Sheriff’s Office assisted. As the man reportedly smashed into several law enforcement vehicles and the chase continued, backup from Enid police joined in.

Officers eventually an officer was able to shoot out the front driver’s side tire on the Doritos truck, which requires amazing marksmanship. Karpe was forced to stop, the chase ending just before Enid city limits. Somehow, nobody was hurt during the whole ordeal. There’s no information about how many bags of Doritos Karpe consumed during the chase.

If this dumbass wasn’t a dumbass, he would have taken the truck, parked it behind a building, and spent a week or so eating all the Cool Ranch Doritos.

The Dog Days Of Bummer

Meet Nicole Holland of Fulton, New York. Nicole is a bored housewife looking for some excitement, so she allegedly decided to give her Doberman Pinscher a plate of delicious heroin. S-M-R-T.

According to police, Nicole Holland, 26, was arrested yesterday on a misdemeanor charge in connection with the death of the dog, a miniature Doberman Pinscher named “Champ” who weighed about two pounds when it died last month.

A necropsy determined the puppy died from opioid intoxication, according to the New York State Police.

I’m sure Holland is devastated after allegedly murdering her dog.

Investigators allege that Holland, who lives in Fulton, a city 30 miles north of Syracuse, left a plate containing heroin on the floor of her home. After watching the puppy lick up some of the drug, Holland subsequently snorted the remaining heroin through a straw.

Holland, a mother of two young children, was not charged with any narcotics counts since her heroin use was not witnessed.

Honestly, I think Holland’s bigger problem is the five-head she has going on in that photo.

Oh, Canada

If you’ve ever been to Canada, you’d know most of the people there are very nice and unassuming. While Americans are busy rioting and burning down the big cities, Canada’s “criminals” are stealing a 600-pound unicorn.

Morgan the unicorn might not have much to say, but to the residents of Delia, Alta., he’s one of the most beloved community members. But as of Friday, the mystical two-year resident of the small southern Alberta town is missing.

According to Delia resident Jaydee Bixby, Morgan was stolen “under the cover of darkness” on Thursday night — a task that wouldn’t have been an easy feat for the bandits.

The unicorn statue — painted white with a gold horn and gold hooves — stands at roughly 11 feet tall and is made up of about 600 pounds of stainless steel, Bixby said. It’s also usually partially buried in the earth outside the Hand Hills Craft and Village Market in the town.

Honestly, if this happened in Philadelphia, I guarantee Julia would be the prime suspect.

One Million Dollars

Meet Amanda McCormick of Maryville, Tennessee.

Amanda was out shopping with a relative last week, and they decided to stop at the Dollar General to pick up a few things. Oh, did I mention they were shopping with a $1 million bill?

A sheriff’s deputy dispatched to the Dollar General for a “suspicious incident,” spoke with Amanda McCormick, 39, who possessed the counterfeit bill. McCormick, who lives about four miles from the store, was accompanied by a relative, Linda Johnson, 61.

McCormick told the cop that she received the $1 million bill “in the mail from a church,” but was unable to provide additional information about the purported house of worship’s largesse, as first reported by The Daily Times.

As detailed in a Blount County Sheriff’s Office report, McCormick had a “shopping cart full of various items from inside the store, including several gift cards to various businesses.” McCormick claimed she was “going to use the money to purchase items for care packages for homeless individuals.”

I’m not sure which is more ridiculous; the fact this woman thought Dollar General would have change for a million dollar bill, or the fact she thought a church would just send out a million dollars to a random person.

It Was A Happy Easter Sundae

A Queens man took his two young children out for a walk when they decided to burglarize the Menchie’s Frozen Yogurt stand. The “family” did this on Easter Sunday.

The family that prays together, plays together.

Video of a bizarre and shocking burglary in Queens shows a thief break a window of a frozen yogurt shop and take some items from inside — as two young children stand by and even hold a light to aid in the robbery, police said.

The break-in occurred at Menchie’s in Glendale around 11 p.m. on Easter, April 4, according to police. Surveillance video shows a man break the window as one of the children shines a light from what appears to be a cellphone. At some point, the robber grabs something from inside and the three take off moments later.

“So sad, it’s like, what are you trying to teach your kids today?” asked Samantha Khan, who has operated the store with her husband Ralph since 2016. “What’s the point of doing something like that? It’s really just disturbing.”

I’m no detective, but my guess if New York City is now a lawless wasteland, where police officers are fired and arrested for doing their jobs, but people of color get away with literal murder.

It’s okay, though, because the theft was totes justified.

The only thing that was missing was some candy and cake decorations that were right inside the window. All that work just for a very small reward has left police and the Menchie’s managers wondering why even bother?

Um, probably because sprinkles and ice cream toppings are the greatest food in the world! What the hell is wrong with these cops? DO they not know the joy of dumping scoops of sprinkles into your mouth when you need a sugar rush?