Rumble In The… Um, Seat

Two Virginia residents have been arrested after being found batter-dipping the corn dog inside a parked vehicle.

It also didn’t help that the female involved did not take the interruption lightly.

“At approximately 3:32 p.m. on March 22, officers were dispatched to the report of two subjects allegedly engaged in sexual activity in public view,” Arlington County Police said in a crime report. “As officers were conducting the investigation, the female subject charged at the officer and struck him repeatedly.”

“Nicole Faircloth, 42, of No Fixed Address was arrested and charged with assault and battery on police and performing a sexual act in a public place,” the crime report continued. “Petko Ubiparipovic, 42, of No Fixed Address, was arrested and charged with performing a sexual act in a public place. Both were held on bond.”

Whao, whoa, whoa… You can be arrested for having sex in a car? Doc, fire up the DeLorean; I need to warn 1985 Wyatt to not touch Tara Durkin’s goodies.

Oh, and before you ask, yes, I did Google Faircloth’s photo. You can thank me for taking a proverbial bullet to the eyes after seeing this wildebeest.

In The Line Of Liar

A Pittsburgh man who picks up dog poop for a living has been arrested after posing as a Secret Service agent. In fairness, both professions have to deal with a lot of shite.

A man whose company scoops up pet poop has been placed on probation for two years and fined $500 for buying fake Secret Service identification cards and badges online to impress women on a dating site.

Pfft, I’ve been posing as a police officer here for years, and it hasn’t landed me even one piece of ass.

Christopher Diiorio, 54, of Greensburg, was sentenced Monday by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. He had pleaded guilty in November to fraudulently using an official seal, but acknowledged behavior in two other counts dismissed Monday: flashing an ID card during a traffic stop and trying to use a Secret Service badge to get a government rate for a hotel room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… we can get a government rate for hotels? Why was I not informed?

“Your honor, I’m not a bad man, I’m a dumb man,” Diiorio told U.S. District Judge Nora Barry Fischer. “What I did was truly stupid and I’m very sorry for that.”

As part of his probation, Diiorio must pick up after drunken agents who poop themselves, or take a dump in public. You’d be surprised how often that happens.

Muslim Man Shows Motorist His Tunis

Meet Bouhlel Barhoumi. (Common spelling.) Bouhlel, like every other Muslim on Earth, emigrated to Britain from Tunisia and is having a hard time following Britain’s stiff criminal code.

Bouhlel Barhoumi denied criminal damage, two counts of assault and outraging public decency in July following the bizarre incident in the middle of Fairmeadow.

The court had previously heard the 44-year-old, formerly of Scott Street but now of no fixed address, was crossing the road at the junction with Bishops Way despite the pedestrian signal being red. He was clipped by a car and fell over, with the offending vehicle driving off.

Barhoumi got up and threw his watch at another car belonging to Linden Ellis, who he falsely accused of jumping the light.

He proceeded to expose himself and perform a sex act in the direction of the female passenger while spitting and calling out: “You can’t have this, you want this, you’ve never had anything like this.” (H/TAOSHQ)

Wow, that’s exactly how I met Mrs. Earp! I tell ya, the classic pickup lines never go out of style.

In fairness to Bouhlel, he should be given credit for asking the woman if she wanted his, um, scud missile. Most of Europe’s Muslim invaders simply rape their prey.

PA Woman Marches To A Different Drum

Meet 38-year old Teresa Drum of Frazer, Pennsylvania. Teresa loves to cook, and while her creations are not always Gordon Ramsay-worthy, it’s best not to criticize her effort.

Police in Pennsylvania say a woman fatally shot her husband after arguing about a casserole she burned, then took a photo of the body, texted it to a friend and showered before calling 911.

Frazer police responding to the call Monday night found 42-year-old Dennis Drum Sr. lying dead on a bed with a gun in his hand and a gunshot wound to the forehead.

Teresa Drum told officers her husband shot himself after they argued about the burnt casserole and over the fact that she drank his last beer. She said he shot himself as she called 911. Police say there was no gun in Dennis Drum’s hand in the photo and it was taken 11 minutes before the 911 call was made. (H/T – Metoo)

Personally, I think stabbing the victim with a serving fork would have been more appropriate for this case. It’s a shame Teresa wasn’t making Hamburger Helper, because her alibi could use a helping hand.

By Hook Or By Crook

Among my litany of other mental illnesses, I also suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If I walk into a room and the shoes are thrown about, I need to place them next to each other. I underline words with a ruler. I do all that, and yet, I have never assaulted a person after seeing a crooked painting.

A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art was struck over the head with a bottle by a man who got upset over a painting he said was crooked.

The suspect went up to the guard inside the Met at 6:15 p.m. on March 3 and told him that a painting was hanging crooked on the wall.

“The response [from the security guard] wasn’t to his liking,” an NYPD spokesman said, so the suspect clobbered him with the bottle.

Okay, while I have considered such violence after seeing a crooked painting, I haven’t had to bust someone in the chops… yet.

See, this would never be necessary in the Earp household because I hang my frames using a Black & Decker laser level. *drops mic… then straightens it on the floor*

Midwest Thief Goes Hog Wild

An Oklahoma man apparently loves bacon more than any other law-abiding citizen. Of course, law-abiding citizens don’t swipe it and hoof it out of the store while squealing with delight.

Oklahoma City police are searching for a man accused of stealing six packages of bacon from a grocery store by stuffing them inside his shirt.

Only six packages? Pffft, I eat twice that for breakfast, ya piker.

The Oklahoma City Police Department said in a Facebook post the man was confronted by an employee at the Smart Saver store after he was seen hiding six packages of bacon — totaling about $30 worth — inside his shirt.

While this appears serious, all this thief needs is a jury of twelve men – no Muslims – and boom, not guilty. Easy peasey, piglet squeezy.

Churn The Other Cheek

george-beaver-really-likes-his-chipsMeet George Beaver.

George is a simple man with simple tastes. He enjoys a quiet evening at home in front of the TV sipping a fine brandy and daintily snacking on potato chips. Almost nothing can trouble him while he is in his happy place. Almost.

An argument over a bag of potato chips landed a man behind bars in Schuylkill County, PA.

George Beaver of Union Township faces assault charges after troopers say he told his wife not to touch his ‘Utz Ruffled Sour Cream and Onion chips’. When she did, Beaver allegedly grabbed her face and bit off a chunk of her skin.

George always enjoyed his chips with chunky salsa. Ironically, Beaver ran from the police with his dam tail between his legs.

F**king Phones, How Do They Work?

jeff-and-rhoda-lytleI have often said my job security lies in the rampant stupidity of American criminals. Theere is no greater example of this truism than this story out of Monroe, Washington.

Prosecutors say Jeff Lytle hired a man to kill his wife and four-year-old daughter for their $1.5 million life insurance payout.

Instead, the text message about the sinister plan was sent to his ex-boss, who brought the message to the police, leading to Lytle’s arrest.

The text allegedly said: “Hey Shayne hows it going. You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife. I’m going to take you up on that offer.”

So this jackass starts a conversation with a hitman by writing, “How’s it going?” Yes ma’am, I think we found the problem; your son is retarded.

Always Bet On Crack

kerry-johnson-casino-player-and-bank-robberMeet Kerry Johnson of West Virginia. West Virginia struggles with a stereotype which claims its residents are stupid, inbred hicks.

Sadly, Mr. Johnson does nothing to quell this stereotype.

Kerry Johnson said that “most of the day was a blur” on Aug. 2 of last year and, initially, he didn’t remember leaving the casino to rob the City National Bank on Bridge Road in the South Hills neighborhood of Charleston.

Prosecutors said around 10 a.m. on that day, Johnson got up from a blackjack table at the casino, put down a $25 chip to hold his spot and then drove to the bank.

Once inside, Johnson handed a teller a note, saying he had a bomb and a weapon. Johnson got away with about $5,000 in cash, assistant Kanawha prosecutor Fred Giggenbach said.

“He went back to the casino and lost more money,” Giggenbach said.

So this rocket surgeon leaves the casino, robs the bank of $5,000, then immediately loses the booty at the casino? Man, you are one pathetic loser.

Boiler Choom

jay-and-silent-bob-clerksThe election of Donald Trump has led to a boom for businesses, large and small. As a result, management can set or reset their prices without loss of capital. Some chose to lower their prices, while less scrupulous businessmen walked a different path.

Northern Territory Police said they received a call from a woman who complained her drug dealer had asked for more money for marijuana than usual.

“Completely offended, the woman demanded police investigate this ‘outrageous’ price hike,” police said.

Police encouraged any other residence looking to settle price disputes with their neighborhood drug dealers to contact them for help.

Later that day, the same woman called complaining the man she tried to rob fought back, giving her a bloody nose.