Would You Like Crabs With That?

In York, Pennsylvania, everyone is allowed to be served a happy meal.

In May, investigators charged Conrad Jablecki, 30, with indecent exposure, open lewdness, and disorderly conduct after he was seen receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman in a McDonald’s in York, PA.

Upon spotting Jablecki and the woman, an employee “kicked them out of the restaurant” and called cops. At the time of Jablecki’s collar, cops asked anyone with information about the woman’s identity to contact investigators.

Police subsequently identified Christine Alana Chafin, 37, as Jablecki’s public sex partner. Chafin was charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct.

This doesn’t surprise me, because I used to attend an annual golf weekend in York. It defines the term “Pennsyltucky;” a lot of white trash intermingled with the general population. These two idiots apparently like McDonald’s not for the fries, but for the warm soft serve.

The “PG” Stands For Penis Grabbing

The only thing worse than being dragged to see The Emoji Movie – seriously, it received a 1 out of 10 at Rotten Tomatoes – is having to watch it with a serial masturbator.

A New Jersey mom, who had taken her children to watch the new release at the Xscape Movie Theater on Route 9 in Howell on Friday, was disgusted to see a man sat alone at the back of the room, with his pants unzipped.

She reported him to the theater manager, who ordered him to leave and called the cops. A few days later, Abraham Parnes, 43, turned himself in after an anonymous tip led police to his identification.

Okay, I could see someone doing this while watching, say, Fifty Shades of Grey, but during The Emoji Movie? Surrounded by children? Dude, what the f**k is wrong with you?

It Was A Real Hooternanny

Meet Sarah Rivera.

Sarah is a waitress at a suburban Chicago Hooters restaurant, and when she is not serving wings, she is breaking legs and thighs.

A uniformed Hooters waitress was arrested for disorderly conduct after tangling with another female employee at a suburban Chicago branch of the restaurant.

Sarah Rivera, 25, was collared last Thursday afternoon. Rivera, seen at right, posed for an Oak Lawn Police Department mug shot in her revealing Hooters t-shirt.

Debreca Green, 24, was charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, in connection with the July 20 incident. Green’s Facebook page lists her as an employee of the Hooters in Oak Lawn.

If Rivera’s manager had any real business acumen, he would have moved the fracas outside, dumped honey sauce on top of the combatants, and charged ten bucks a gander.

The Texas Choad House

Meet Traci Lorraine Aragon of San Antonio, Texas.

Traci is going through a bad breakup, but instead of choosing the usual coping techniques – voodoo dolls, tears, and chocolate – Traci took the rational route, and posted naked photos of her ex on Facebook.

A woman has been accused of posting nude images of her ex-boyfriend on Facebook after he broke up with her.

Traci Lorraine Aragon, 38, has been charged with publishing intimate material. The San Antonio defendant allegedly responded to her partner splitting up with her by sending the pictures to his friends and posting them on the social network.

When he asked her to remove them, he was ‘ridiculed and insulted’ and warned she would ‘blast him if he messes with her.’

Wait a minute, you can be arrested for posting photos of your ex on the internet? Crap, I hope the authorities don’t find my snaps of Laetitia Casta!

Minnesota Wild

The murder – yes, I am using that term – of Justine Damond by a Minneapolis police officer is becoming more bizarre every day. Apparently the offender, Officer Mohamed Noor, was rushed through the academy so the city could proudly announce their new diversity hires.

The fatal police shooting of an unarmed woman in Minnesota was committed by one of five Somalis Minneapolis recruited as part of its affirmative-action plan.

“The city’s affirmative-action program requires it to give preferential treatment to minorities, not only those hired by the city but by all contractors awarded contracts of more than $100,000,” reports World Net Daily.

Since WND is quoted, take the “diversity hire” rumor with a grain of salt. Of course, many big cities have programs aimed at hiring officers from different ethnic backgrounds, so the rumor may be true…

The Harrell Of The Cells

Meet Allan Harrell of Chesapeake, Virginia.

Allan is a handsome, upscale sophisticate who enjoys the finer things in life. Unfortunately, Allan took a hit in the stock market of late, so now he needs to fall back on that criminal justice degree. To wit…

Allan Harrell is accused of robbing Amazing Glazed at 321 Johnstown Road on Sunday and again Tuesday, Chesapeake police said in a news release. He’s charged with two counts of robbery and two counts of wearing a mask in public.

“Amazing Glazed?” That was Maria Spinabifida’s nickname in high school. She was a good time.

On Sunday around 12:40 p.m., witnesses told police Harrell – with his face covered – entered the store with a knife and demanded cash. No one was injured, and the robber ran away. Two days later, around 4 p.m., police returned for a report of another robbery. Witnesses told officers there the same story – a man entered, his face covered, with a knife and demanded cash.

Wait a minute, a doughnut shop was robbed twice in one week, and not one police officer was in the store either time? I call bullshit.

The Juice’s “Juice” Is Loose

O.J. Simpson rubbed his prison guard the wrong way when he was caught spanking the monkey in his prison cell. The violation may toss him back into more legal trouble.

OJ Simpson could be denied parole after he was caught pleasuring himself in his cell – strictly verboten in federal prisons in the U.S. – a prison source said.

‘OJ is facing a disciplinary hearing after being written up for masturbating in his prison cell,’ said the source. ‘He was caught by a female corrections officer making her normal rounds in late June.’

When OJ, now 70, goes in front of the Nevada Department of Corrections Parole Board on Thursday, he still won’t have faced a disciplinary hearing for the masturbation charge, which, says the source, could pose a problem for him.

That’s a shame. O.J. saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but now he may be jerked back to reality.

Love, American Style

Meet Timothy Lowe and Rashada Hurley. Timothy and Rashada were looking for some excitement on their trip to Florida, but instead of going to Miami Beach, they chose to kidnap a woman and rape her.

The incident occurred on Sunday, July 9, in the Publix parking lot, after the victim had finished shopping and was about to leave. The female suspect, Rashada Hurley, age 32, crossed in front of the vehicle, and approached the driver’s door. When the victim rolled her window down to see what was going on, Hurley punched her in the side of her head, and knocked her out.

She told police that Hurley was in the driver’s seat, and Timothy Lowe, Hurley’s husband, age 37, was in the car. The victim said that Hurley began choking her, and Lowe began punching her in the face, while holding her down. She said she was eventually pushed into the back seat.

Hurley and Lowe then drove the victim’s car to a Motel 6 with the victim in the back seat. Once inside their motel room, both Hurley and Lowe raped her, forced her into performing oral sex on both of them, and forced her into anal sex.

Blindfold. Firing Squad. Some assembly required. (The victim’s race is not named anywhere in the article.)

A judge noticed in bond court on Thursday, July 13, that the couple had just gotten married and were on their honeymoon.

You know, Mrs. Earp and I went to DisneyWorld and rode Space Mountain – which is both an attraction and a euphemism – but we never considered a felonious crime spree. I sincerely hope these two animals die a slow, painful death.

When “Using The Force” Goes Wrong

Meet Jerome Dewayne Whyte of Oklahoma City, OK.

Jerome is a sensitive boy who likes drinking, smoking weed, and ruining his life over idiotic arguments.

During the “Star Wars”/”Star Trek” argument, Burke Bradley Warren, 19 “became so frustrated” with Jerome Dewayne Whyte, 23, that he left the pair’s shared living area and went to his room. As he departed, Warren told Whyte, “You’re just a trick.”

That comment prompted Whyte to follow Warren into his room, where Whyte allegedly twice shoved his roommate to the floor and then sought to “choke out the victim.” While being strangled, Warren “went in and out of consciousness.”

Since police judged Whyte to be the “aggressor in this altercation,” he was arrested for assault and battery. He was also charged with marijuana possession. It is unknown which film Whyte, seen in the above mug shot, believed to be superior.

Whyte was obviously the Star Trek fan, since no self-respecting police officer would ever arrest a Star Wars aficionado.

Felonious Punk: Straight, No Taser

An Oklahoma man has decided to test the Seinfeld theory claiming the only thing better than conjugal visit sex is fugitive sex.

Brandon Thompson and his family were celebrating the Fourth of July — which also happens to be his birthday — when police turned up at his home to arrest him for six felony warrants.

Police body camera video captured Thompson walking out to the cruiser before he suddenly stops and asks the officer if he could do something. Once he gets the go-ahead from the officer, Thompson drops to one knee and asks Keith to marry him.

That’s simply beautiful. Hey look at the bright side, Brandon; while you’re cuddling up to your cellmate, you can practice consummating your marriage.