Here Comes Shooty Claus…

Imagine if you live in the North Pole (Alaska). Everyone is happy, awaiting for another Christmas to arrive, until some dullard decides to rob someone on North Santa Claus Lane.

This reads like a Christmas nightmare. A man involved in an attempted robbery in North Pole, Alaska, was killed Wednesday — on North Santa Claus Lane.

In a news release, the North Pole Police Department said that Adam Selid, 18, was shot during a gun sale that turned into an attempted robbery, KTUU-TV reported. The shooting took place in the parking lot near a Taco Bell at North Santa Claus Lane, according to the television station.

The Taco Bell is necessary for all the gas Santa and the reindeer need for Christmas Eve.

Selid and Dalen Davis, 19, met with the seller and agreed to purchase the weapons at about 11:32 p.m. local time. According to police, Selid then pulled out a handgun and threatened the seller.

After a struggle, the seller produced his own weapon and fired one shot that struck Selid in the abdomen.

Unfortunately for Selid, he made the Darwinian Naughty List.

At The Coca, Coca Banana…

A group of Border Force officers in Southampton, U.K. caught the fish of a lifetime when they uncovered $7.5 million worth of cocaine. This may surprise you, but the cocaine was shipped from – get this – Colombia.

Cocaine with a street value of £7.5m has been discovered hidden in a shipment of bananas from Colombia.

Border Force officers found 103kg (227lb) of the Class A drug on 6 January while searching a vessel that had arrived at the Port of Southampton.

The good news is the cocaine was recovered. The bad news is Alejandro Sosa is sending a hit squad to the British Tony Montana.

The government agency said its officers could be “proud of their work in preventing this drug consignment from reaching our communities”.

The Home Office has been asked whether any arrests have been made.

I’m sure the Border Force recovered all the cocaine and didn’t scrape some off the top.

Mark It Eight, Dude

An off-duty Chicago police officer was arrested after he allegedly shot three people in a Blue Island bowling alley during an argument.

The probationary police officer fired his gun shortly before midnight at the Burr Oak Bowl at 3030 W. 127th St., according to Civilian Office of Police Accountability spokesman Ephraim Eaddy.

The officer was heard saying, “It’s a league game, Smokey.”

Two gunshot victims were taken to Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn, where one person remained Wednesday with a gunshot wound to the chest, Blue Island Police Chief Geoffery Farr said in a statement. Another person drove himself to a hospital for a graze wound and was discharged, he said.

The officer and another person were arrested at the scene, Farr said. A weapon was allegedly recovered.

While you may not believe this, I spent a lot of time in bowling alleys growing up. My mom was a very good bowler and played in leagues. My fiends and I would go bowling often – I am barely average – and it was always a lot of fun. That said, in the decades I’ve been in bowling alleys, I have never seen an argument so bad that it turned into gunfire.

Of course, this is Chicago, and their D.A. will probably let the cop off with probation and time served.

She’ll Be Back In An Insta… gram

Meet Courtney Ireland-Ainsworth of Brackendale, U.K. Courtney is a fairly pretty girl who doesn’t like being rejected. So much so that she had her ex-boyfriend arrested six times, thanks to her multiple fake Instagram accounts.

A woman has been jailed for sending herself ‘vile’ threats from up to 30 fake Instagram accounts she created in attempts to get her ex-boyfriend locked up.

Courtney Ireland-Ainsworth, 20, of Brackendale, made 10 police statements and claimed that her former partner Louis Jolly, 22, threatened to stab her.

She also told police that Mr Jolly was harassing and stalking her, which led to him being arrested six times. After spending 81 hours in custody, Mr Jolly was charged with assault and was given a stalking protection order, along with a home curfew, an electronic tag, and even lost his job.

Now I’m no detective, but I’m fairly certain Mr. Jolly will be filing a lawsuit in 3… 2…

However, when police received the data from Facebook, it showed at least 17 Instagram accounts created using two of Ireland-Ainsworth’s email addresses and IP addresses connected to her home and mobile phone.

She was arrested and interviewed on 12 December, 2020, when she confessed, before the Crown Prosecution Service discontinued stalking and assault allegations against Mr Jolly.

In my time in law enforcement, I have seen and read some very vindictive women destroy men. That works both ways, obviously, but I don’t think I have seen someone this evil. Just accept the breakup and go on with your life.

And when you’re ready, give me a call!

All The World’s Aglitter

Meet Sarah Franks and Kaitlin O’Donovan of Clearwater, Flori-Duh. These two rocket surgeons were arrested after they both came to a man’s home, threw glitter at him, entered his residence, and smashed the man’s window. So, in short, just another day in Florida.

Investigators say Sarah Franks, 29, and Kaitlin O’Donovan, 27, arrived early yesterday morning at the Clearwater residence of Jacob Colon and began arguing with him while he was standing on his fenced balcony.

Franks and Donovan, cops allege, each threw a container of glitter at Colon, who was struck “in the upper torso and head.” Arrest affidavits do not reveal the nature of the argument or the relationship between the parties.

Now, I’m no detective, but I’d wager dollars to donuts Colon was banging them both and they found out.

After pelting Colon, Franks climbed over the ground level fence and entered Colon’s apartment, where she “engaged the victim again by throwing more containers of glitter at him,” cops charge. Franks then allegedly unlocked the front door to allow O’Donovan to enter the residence.

Once inside, O’Donovan threw additional containers of glitter at Colon, which indicate that O’Donovan and Franks share an apartment about two miles from Colon’s home. Upon completing the glitter bombing, Franks kicked a window in Colon’s residence until it broke. The pair then drove away. (H/T – Mis. Hum. at AOSHQ)

When I was younger, I was never savvy enough – or handsome enough – to be sleeping with two roommates, but apparently Jacob Colon has the Midas touch. Also, if I had to make a decision, it would definitely be Sarah Franks (on the left).

No Charges For Cuomo’s Covid Deaths

The Manhattan district attorney’s office has determined disgraced former New York governor Andrew Cuomo will not be charged after murdering thousands of elderly patients he forced into nursing homes.

If there is one constant with Democrats, it’s that they always protect their own. Cuomo is absolutely responsible for those deaths, and, like his sexual predator brother, he will simply walk.

The Manhattan district attorney’s office is closing its investigation into former New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s handling of nursing home COVID-19 deaths without bringing charges against Cuomo, according to the former governor’s attorney.

“I was contacted today by the head of the Elder Care Unit from the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office who informed me they have closed its investigation involving the Executive Chamber and nursing homes,” Elkan Abramowitz, a former federal prosecutor who had been hired to represent Cuomo, said Monday. “I was told that after a thorough investigation — as we have said all along — there was no evidence to suggest that any laws were broken.”

Pennsylvania’s “Rachel” Levine did the same thing. It forced elderly patients into nursing homes, where the subsequently died from Covid. Not to worry, though, it got its mother out of there well beforehand.

Cuomo had directed nursing homes to accept patients who tested positive for or were suspected of having COVID-19 early in his pandemic response, a move that became controversial after thousands of elderly patients became infected with the virus.

Cuomo will get away with this now, but I sincerely hope he has to stand before God and explain how he could send so many people to their deaths.

Fiery Jack

A Louisville, Colorado man was arrested after he “allegedly” threatened firefighters with a firearm. The man did this as the firefighters were trying to extinguish the fire. I mean, who roots for the fire?

A man was arrested after he threatened firefighters who were fighting the Marshall Fire near Louisville Friday morning, according to the Louisville Police Department.

Police said it happened Friday in the area of St. Andrews Lane and Dillon Road, which is inside the fire perimeter. The man was armed with a gun.

The firefighters should have turned the water cannon on him. Oh well, missed opportunities.

Police said the suspect, 24-year-old Stephen Roach, left the area, but officers contacted and arrested him.

He was jailed on charges of menacing, obstructing government operations, obstructing a peace officer/firefighter, eluding and criminal trespass.

I believe Roach was also charged with dumbassery of the first degree.

No Idea If Fava Beans Were Served

Meet Mark Latunski of Bennington Township, Michigan.

Latunski is a disgusting piece of filth who should spend the rest of his miserable life being beaten by his fellow cellmates. Latunski met a man on Grindr, lured him to his residence, murdered him, and began eating him.

The man accused of slitting his victim’s throat, hanging him from his basement ceiling and eating his testicles in a grisly Christmas Eve murder will return to court early next year.

Mark Latunski allegedly confessed to the disturbing 2019 killing of 25-year-old hairstylist Kevin Bacon, who he met on the dating app Grindr. Bacon was found hanging naked by his ankles from the ceiling in Latunski’s home in Bennington Township, Michigan, on December 28.

I cannot imagine how the parents must feel. If it was my child, the perpetrator would already be dead.

He allegedly cut off a part of Bacon’s genitals and ate, according to court documents, which is how his parents learned about the details of their son’s murder.

Bacon met Latunski on Christmas Eve 2019 after the two allegedly connected on Grindr, a dating app for gay men. He was reported missing the following day.

If there is any justice in this world, Latunski will be dead on his first day in lockup.

The FBI Is A Garbage Department

A recently retired FBI agent decided to continue his career of incompetence by claiming a Texas woman was on probation, and bilked her out of thousands of dollars. A corrupt FBI agent? Who knew?

For several years, a woman in Granbury was convinced she was on secret probation, and that she had to cover the expenses of a federal law enforcement officer and his partner while they supervised her. There was no “secret probation,” but the Granbury woman, identified only as C.T., ended up paying the supposed officer and his partner more than $700,000.

William Roy Stone Jr., the man C.T. allegedly was paying all those years, was indicted in May on several counts of fraud, one count of false impersonation of a federal officer, and several other charges.

I assume this prick will get probation, because of his stellar career as an FBI agent.

The alleged scheme wasn’t built completely on lies, though. Stone was, after all, a recently retired FBI agent.

All the trips to Austin to discuss C.T.’s probation weren’t free. C.T. would have to reimburse him for those, Stone said. He also told C.T. she needed to cough up some money for restitution fees to be paid to a wronged company as the result of her drug crimes. Stone secretly deposited the money into his own bank account, the feds claim. Later, he’d persuade her to hand over large sums of money, which he used to buy cars and a house.

People like Stone, Jr. should be tried, convicted, and sent to prison for life. The DOJ is always front and center when a police officer is arrested, but they rarely go full bore when one of theirs is locked up. Funny how that works.

What Happens In Vegas…

Meet Eric Holland of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Eric was out for a leisurely drive through the desert when he was pulled over by Las Vegas police. The officers asked Holland to exit the vehicle, and when they searched the car, they found a heady amount of interesting items.

A Las Vegas man fleeing police in a stolen truck was eventually stopped, only for the officers to find coolers full of body parts, including a severed head, inside, according to cops.

Eric Holland, 57, was arrested Thursday after leading police on a chase when they tried to pull him over on unrelated charges, according to the police report from the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department released Sunday.

When officers searched one of the stolen trucks, they found the coolers and the human remains, including the head, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal. (H/T – Mike AKA Proof)

You’d figure Holland would plan ahead, or at least start heading far away from the big city.