Who Wants Chicken And Waffles?

Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a quaint little city whose claim to fame is milk, pretzels, and the Amish. Like most rural towns, Lancaster has a kickass Waffle House… and by that I mean you can get your ass kicked there.

The brawl Sunday at the restaurant in Lancaster pitted members of one family against three other women. In addition to hair pulling and haymakers, some of the suspects threw utensils and other items snatched off tables. Manheim Township police collared the quintet of brawlers for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

Cops identified the defendants as Deborah Shivers, 56; Tyneisha Shivers, 37; Latonia Shivers, 31; and Mercedes Shivers, 25, (each of whom lives in nearby Reading). The fifth woman, Tonisha Shivers, 37, resides in Dallas, Texas.

This family obviously had a few bones to pick, but I’m sure they will eventually iron out their problems.

Not Exactly Model Behavior

Meet Paulina Karina Diaz.

Paulina is a television host in Colombia, and works as a model, but her true passion is kidnapping wealthy businessmen and holding them for ransom.

According to Colombian authorities, Paulina Karina Diaz and her partner participated in the kidnapping of businessman Hugo Lopez Moncayo and lawyer Milton Caro Villamil six years ago. It is alleged they helped snatch the pair from a bar in Cali, Colombia.

The kidnappers then asked relatives for a ransom of 3 billion COP to release them, but the victims are still missing.

Official sources said: ‘Apparently, the TV host, taking advantage of her looks, had been in charge of the events and caused a distraction in the disco pub, luring the men into a room where they were locked up.’

Let’s hope she at least showed the captives her fabulous cans; otherwise, it was simply a wasted exercise for the guys. I mean, why let yourself get kidnapped and (probably) murdered if you can’t at least see some pink parts?

GOP Congressman Shot By Gunman

Five people, including Congressman Steve Scalise, were shot by a gunman during a GOP baseball practice this morning in Alexandria, Virginia. The politicians were practicing for an upcoming charity game.

Scalise is currently listed in stable condition, and expected to recover.

Five people including the House Majority Whip Steve Scalise were shot at a GOP baseball practice on Wednesday morning. Scalise was shot in the hip by the gunman who fired between 50 and 100 rounds from his rifle before being brought down by Capitol Police.

Florida Rep. Ron DeSantis said the shooter asked the group of they were Republicans or Democrats before opening fire. Two members of Scalise’s security detail were also shot and an unnamed congressional staffer was shot in the leg.

For the record, I have no idea if DeSantis’ report of the shooter’s motive is true. I just want to put that out there because I’m tired. I’m tired of politics, tired of all the hatred, and tired of getting angry at the way this country is collapsing around itself. /sermon

Scalise was the only one in the group who had been accompanied by a Capitol Police security detail. Senator Rand Paul, who was also there but was not hurt, said that had they not been there to stop the shooter, all of those targeted would have died.

While morons on Twitter are calling for gun control, the key point to this story is another bad guy with a gun was stopped by a good guy with a gun.

Speeding Truck Mows Down People In D.C.

While most of the country was talking about the Comey hearing, very few noticed the possible terror attack which took place in Washington, D.C. Thursday evening.

The officers were on bicycles when the truck swerved around a bus, striking them. A traffic aide and two pedestrians were also hit – for a total of five victims.

One officer is listed in very critical condition. The others have non-life-threatening injuries.

A weapon was recovered from the suspect’s vehicle. When asked if he could rule out terrorism, D.C. Metro Police Chief Peter Newsham replied, “We have to look at that very closely. We do not have a motive at this time.”

Vehicles have been the weapon of choice for terrorists lately, which is why this incident raises a red flag. This could be a DUI case, but with a weapon found in the truck, I wonder.

Faking And Entering

Working as a big-city police detective is not the most glamorous position. The job has its ups and downs, and you deal with the worst kind of people – both on the street and sometimes in the office.

That said, I have never had to deal with a supervisor this despicable.

Pageland Police Chief Greg Greenlee and Captain Dean Short are accused of unlawfully entering Officer Brandon Roberts’ home while he was at a family function, in an attempt to intimidate him for missing work. Officer Roberts was not at home, and apparently was going to be late for work that night. While at the family function, he noticed that he had several missed calls from Chief Greenlee.

The police report also said that in addition to the intimidation, there were threats from both the Chief and the Captain, including taking away his certifications. Before both men left, the Chief told Officer Roberts “to get your ass to work.”

Personally, I would respond with a pleasant, “Go f**k yourself,” followed up with a criminal complaint with a side of civil lawsuits.

The Fletching Mr. Van Holson

It’s easy to make fun of the South, especially since there are so many stereotypes of the region and its people. Stereotypes do not always translate into truth, but once in a while you read a story which makes you say, “Yep, Arkansas.”

An Arkansas man was hospitalized after being shot in the head with an arrow.

After being shot, Raymond Van Holson, 41, drove himself from the scene in the 18000 block of McCaslin Branch Drive to the 600 block of East Front Avenue in Chester. The victim was later flown to Washington Regional Medical Center in good condition.

Authorities identified the arrow-wielding assailant as 42-year-old Kenneth Larribge Miesen.

One could say Miesen’s point was well-taken.

Florida Criminal Is Down In The Dumps

Meet Demetrius Vidale.

Demetrius, through no fault of his own, was involved in a shootout with a Broward County Sheriff’s deputy Monday. The incident occurred just as Demetrius was turning his life around. Officers served a search warrant at his residence, and Demetrius dumped all over it.

Demetrius Vidale, 24, faces five charges including attempted first-degree murder, attempted murder of a law enforcement officer with a deadly weapon, armed robbery, driving with a suspended license and obstructing a police officer serving a search warrant. Deputies received a search warrant to match Vidale’s DNA to the crime scene, and he was detained after a deputy found him driving in Fort Lauderdale Tuesday.

Vidale was given a copy of a judge’s search warrant, which he put on a chair and then defecated on.

“[Vidale] refused to comply by not allowing his photographs to be taken or provide his DNA and master prints. Vidale stated that the judge had no jurisdiction over him,” the report reads.

Hey Einstein, by shitting all over the search warrant, you just gave the investigators your DNA. There is good news, however; you’ll be settled in the MENSA block at FCI Tallahassee.

Killer Clowns From Mile-High Space

A clown has been arrested after stabbing a man to death in the Mile High City.

Denver police have arrested a man who was wearing clown makeup when he allegedly stabbed and slashed a 29-year-old man to death with a glove that had blades attached to the end of each finger.

Christian Lee Gulzow, 36, allegedly attacked the victim at 12:49 a.m. Tuesday following an argument near Torchy’s Tacos at West 11th Avenue and Broadway. The Denver coroner’s office identified the victim as Brian Lucero, 29. The cause of death was a stab wound, according to a coroner’s office news release.

Torchy’s Tacos? Does the burning emanate in the mouth or out the rear?

The suspect, wearing white clown makeup accented with black streaks on the face, suddenly began threatening the victim with a glove with blades that were 2- to 3-inches long. They were near the Corner Store at West 10th Avenue and Broadway.

Gulzow began pummeling the victim, who tried to dodge the blows, the police report says. The victim eventually punched the suspect, who then yelled at the victim and followed him to Torchy’s.

Is this a bad episode of the Red Skelton Show or an even worse episode of X-Men: Wolverine?

Gulzow allegedly fled on a scooter, the police report says.

So a clown stabs a man with Freddy Krueger gloves, then makes his getaway on a scooter? Yep, it’s official; I have now heard everything.

Gunfight At The Oh No Corral

Meet Robert C. Ahorner of East Troy, Wisconsin. The “C” stands for “cray-cray.”

Robert’s wife recently caught him watching pr0n, and in a measured reaction, Robert retired to his room to contemplate his life choices.

The wife told deputies she argued with Ahorner about 5 p.m. because he was looking at porn on the internet. Ahorner grabbed his then-unloaded 9mm semi-automatic pistol, pointed it at his penis and pulled the trigger.

Damn son, that’ll show her!!

“If I’m not using it, I might as well shoot it off,” Robert C. Ahorner, 57, formerly of N7270 Highway 120, East Troy, told his wife during the argument.

Well, he’s got a point there, but what could elicit such a response?

Ahorner admitted to drinking a 12-pack of beer the day of the incident. He said he started drinking about noon.

There it is. Of course in fairness, Robert may have just been tired of his nymphomaniac wife…

The Oxford Karma

Meet Lavinia Woodward.

Lavinia is a student at Oxford University who majors in medical science and minors in alcohol and drugs. Sadly, the aspiring heart surgeon does not attend psychiatry classes.

Lavinia Woodward, 24, swiped at her boyfriend with the blade, before stabbing him in the leg. She then hurled a laptop, a glass and a jam jar at him, during the drink and drug-fuelled clash at Christ Church college, Oxford.

Judge Ian Pringle said the offence would normally mean a prison term, but instead delayed sentencing and slapped her with a restraining order to stay drug-free and not to re-offend.

“It seems to me that if this was a one-off, a complete one-off, to prevent this extraordinary able young lady from not following her long-held desire to enter the profession she wishes to, would be a sentence which would be too severe.”

So this drug-addled psychopath will avoid prison because she’s pretty and she promised to turn her life around? What happened to the good old days when we threw people like this into the Tower of London?

Defending, James Sturman QC said his client’s dreams of becoming a surgeon were ‘almost impossible’ as her conviction would have to be disclosed.

Well, if nothing else, we know Lavinia is good with a knife.