My Lover The Car

Meet Tennessee’s Kelton Griffin. Kelton has a problem, and his solution is multiple girlfriends because Kelton has so much love to give.

Kelton Griffin picked up his first date and she allowed him to drive her car because she did not know where he planned to take her.

He stopped at a local gas station and when she went inside to buy cigars, he sped off, leaving her stranded. She tried calling him, but he blocked her number. When she tried to reach out to him on social media, she discovered that he had blocked her there as well. She then contacted her family to let them know what happened.

Then she received a text message from her godsister, who told her that Griffin was on his way to pick her up to take her on a date.

Say what you will about Kelton and his zany scheme; Cameron Crowe already purchased the movie rights, and Chris Rock is slated for the lead.

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The Legend Of The Horse-Faced Woman

Disgraced FBI agent Lisa Page turned on her equally unattractive paramour this week while testifying before Congress regarding the bullsh*t Trump-Russia investigation.

[Lisa] Page testified for two days behind closed doors about her influence on the FBI’s investigations into Russia and Hillary Clinton’s emails less than one week after Strzok.

Strozk denied that texts he exchanged with Page — particularly one promising they would “stop” Trump from becoming president — were indicative of bias that affected the investigations. However, Ratcliffe alleged Page contradicted Strzok in her testimony and even admitted that the texts “mean exactly what they say.”

“There are differences in their testimony on many cases,” [Republican Rep. John ] Ratcliffe said Monday.

A few media outlets are claiming Page is seeking immunity on further testimony. Normally I would tell her to go f**k herself, but if she rolls over on Strzok, Comey, and the rest of the FBI hacks, I’m all for it.

The Sex Was Glorioso

Meet Miguel Glorioso and Jamie Lee Coutee.

Miguel and Jamie Lee are two crazy kids from Louisiana who were searching for a little alone time… in a courthouse stairwell.

According to the Rapides Parish Sheriff’s Office, Miguel Glorioso, 20, and Jamie Lee Coutee, 19, are both facing an obscenity charge after reports were made of commotion in the fifth-floor stairwell around 10:20 a.m. Wednesday. When an employee went to investigate, they found the couple having sex.

After seeing the employee, the two fled, but the employee was able to identify Glorioso, a trustee assigned to cleaning the courthouse. Court Security then located him, and he was identified by the witness, arrested and booked into the Detention Center. Investigators then determined the female suspect as Coutee, who was arrested around 8 p.m. Wednesday evening in Alexandria.

In his defense, Glorioso simply wanted to explore the penal system by banging a gavel. Repeatedly.

You Must Ask Before Going Down Under

An Australian state has approved legislation demanding sexual partners must ask permission before “putting a shrimp on the barbie,” and receive a clear, verbal “yes” in response.

The new law states, in effect, that if you want to have sex you must ask for it clearly, and then hear a verbal “yes” back, under new reforms announced by the New South Wales (NSW) government in Australia.

The state, which is on the east coast of Australia, has placed sexual consent at the core of a strategy to battle sexual assault after a high-profile rape case seemed to show that the existing laws did not protect victims.

Under the package, which also seeks to protect against sexual harassment in the workplace, a $1 million advertising campaign will teach people how to “obtain a clear yes.” The campaign will target young adults in bars and clubs and via social media, with messages like “no means no” and “silence is not a yes.”

I cannot adequately describe how lucky I am to have grown up in the 80’s.

Look, I get the spirit behind the legislation, but in the end, it comes down to a he said/she said argument. Afterward, the woman can simply tell police she said no, and bam, the man is immediately jammed up. Unless Australia is demanding written consent or verbal videotaped consent, how can either party prove the sex was consensual?

Draining People’s Patience

America has sweltered through a brutal summer so far. Naturally, people have been flocking to beaches, lakes, and water parks to cool down.

Unfortunately for military families in Texas, their special day was ruined by a few a-holes.

Castaway Cove – a water park owned by the city of Wichita Falls – was set to honor those serving at Fort Sill, located near Lawton, Oklahoma, on July 1. That was until park staff arrived that morning and discovered about half the water was missing out of the lazy river.

“We put it on Facebook as soon as we got in, but they were already on the way,” said Debi Fleetwood, marketing director for the water park. “There were so many people coming down from Fort Sill, especially since it was difficult to get the word out quickly,” she said. “They got here, and we were closed. It’s disappointing.”

Fleetwood said Castaway Cove will be honoring the Fort Sill appreciation tickets through July 7.

Steve Vaughn, park manager, said it appeared someone had broken into Castaway Cove through a fence and turned on several valves, causing the water to begin draining from the lazy river, which connects to several slides and the wave pool.

“For us to refill it, it took 27 hours,” Vaughn said Monday afternoon.

Forget the trial, string these animals up and hang them from the Castaway Cove sign.

Great Falls, MT Is Now Florida North

A topless woman stole a front-end loader and crashed through her apartment complex in an effort to retrieve a shirt.

Heather Houston has been charged with two felonies after allegedly stealing a front-end loader and driving it into an apartment complex in Great Falls.

The Great Falls Police Department responded to the Fox Hollow Apartment Complex on Sunday morning where they found 34-year-old Houston had stolen the loader from the 3100 block of Rainbow Dam Road and drove it across town to the apartments.

GFPD said Houston then ran over a fence, damaged a car, and hit the side of the complex. She was reportedly topless as she elevated the front end to the second floor and crawled into an apartment before coming back out.

This is the second bizarre story from Great Falls, Montana, after last week’s machete rape.

Lie Back And Think Of Jennifer England

Meet Samantha Mears of Great Falls, Montana. Samantha dearly loves her ex-boyfriend, but there is a reason she has an ex-boyfriend.

As detailed in a criminal complaint, Samantha Mears, 19, entered the victim’s Great Falls residence Friday when he was not home. When the man returned, Mears “confronted him from behind with a machete.” Mears then allegedly told the man to “get on the bed and remove his clothes.”

Investigators charge that after Mears removed her pants, she climbed atop the victim “and they engaged in intercourse.” The victim said that Mears–who was holding the machete–bit him on the arm and “continued to have sex with him after he attempted to end” the encounter.

The victim told Great Falls police that he had “become aroused by seeing her without any undergarments on.” The man added that, after ejaculating, he “attempted to push Mears off of him to end the intercourse,” but she proceeded to bite his arm and “continued to have sex with him until he was no longer erect.”

God, what a pussy. “Waaah, a fairly attractive psychopath had sex with me until my penis surrendered! Waaah, someone arrest this woman for riding me all night!” Jesus, considering most of the women who sexually assault guys, this broad is practically Kate Upton.

Next Time, Take The A Train

A New York City man received multiple staples in his scalp after he was attacked by a woman… with a high heel shoe.

A woman stabbed a stranger on the head with her high heel shoe when a squabble on a subway car turned violent.

The straphangers were on a Queens-bound F train at the Delancey Street station around 4:55 a.m. when the fight broke out. The furious woman ripped off her shoe and stabbed the heel into the left side of the 26-year-old man’s scalp.

We must ban assault heels! Witnesses claim the woman fled toward the Williamsburg Bridge where she reportedly stabbed a buttress.

Really Pittsburgh, Can You Do No Better?

Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board is one of the most pathetic law enforcement agencies in the country. They spend their nights trolling small towns looking to dish out fines for minor violations. This time, however, the LCB really earned their paycheck.

According to state police, officers with the Bureau of Liquor Control Enforcement served a search warrant at about 10:15 p.m. Friday at Club Phoenix, 7077 Big Beaver Blvd. in Homewood.

Heh, heh, the strip club is located on Big Beaver Boulevard.

Police said the facility was searched after an undercover officer visited the club and “observed some violations” of the sale of liquor.

The officer radioed in immediately after receiving the information… and after a few shots, some complimentary chicken fingers and a couple of lap dances.

Officers seized 31 gallons of brewed beverages and 10.51 liters of liquor and wine.

Just thirty-one gallons? Pfft, that’s a normal weekend for Cathy or MelP!

What A Hammerhead

Meet Magan Gumbus.

Magan, if that is her real name, is a loving, caring mother devoted to her chidrens. She only wants the best for her family, and when they’re slighted, Magan turns into a tool.

Surveillance cameras from inside a Nicolet High School bus in Glendale captured the wild scene, which took place in April after a woman learned that her daughter had just been in a fight with another girl.

The video shows a girl in an olive shirt walk up to another girl in pink and throw a punch. The girl in the pink hits back and the two continue to exchange blows for more than a minute. Both girls then called their mothers to tell them what happened.

While still on the route near Mill Road and Willow Glen Court in Glendale, video shows a car swerve in front of the bus. Police later identified the woman behind the wheel as the mother of one of the girls, 33-year-old Magan Gumbus.

Gumbus allegedly walked up to the bus with a hammer and started banging on the door. Gumbus cut off the bus again – and banged the hammer a second time, causing the glass to break.

Good grief, if you want to get revenge on schoolchildren, you don’t break out bus windows, you stuff a banana in the vehicle’s tailpipe!