They Arrested Super Fly!

Meet Emmanuel Lamont Reggin, Jr. of Florida.

Emmanuel is a real go-getter, so he found seasonal employment at UPS to make a little scratch – hairspray isn’t cheap, you know. Sadly, Emmanuel didn’t realize he was supposed to deliver packages to customers instead of himself.

A seasonal UPS worker in Florida was arrested Tuesday for allegedly stealing packages containing pricey electronics from a business he dropped them off at.

Emmanuel Lamont Reggin Jr., 18, is accused of swiping packages containing two Kindles, an iPad and a tablet computer on Monday from a company in Northeast Miami-Dade.

Earlier in the day, Reggin Jr. helped deliver 5,500 packages to the company. He was caught on camera relocating the items he later stole inside and under nearby dumpsters while his co-worker wasn’t looking.

The worker allegedly carried out the same scheme the next day at the same business.

Just a little friendly advice for the Miami-Dade officers: check this clown’s hair thoroughly. It’s possible he stuffed a few PlayStations up there.

ICE Catches Predator Philly Released

The city of Philadelphia has been a “sanctuary city” for many years. The leftist politicians believe they do not need to comply with federal law, and routinely forbid Philadelphia police officers from contacting Immigration and Customs Enforcement when an illegal alien is arrested. The city simply releases them into the wild, so they can prey on the citizens.

Take Hector Moran-Espinoza, for example:

The Philadelphia Police Department arrested Hector Moran-Espinoza, a Guatemalan national living in the U.S. illegally, on two different occasions on charges relating to the sexual abuse of children. Both times, federal immigration authorities lodged a detainer request for Moran-Espinoza, but both times, Philadelphia Police ignored their requests and released him back into the community.

So corrupt Philadelphia Mayor James “I’ll Have Another Drink” Kenney would rather release a violent pedophile onto the streets instead of having him placed into ICE’s custody. It’s all fun and games until the next preteen is raped, huh Jimmy?

The PPD arrested Moran-Espinoza on April 2 for an eyebrow-raising list of charges: involuntary deviate sexual intercourse by forcible compulsion, unlawful contact with a minor-sexual offenses, statuary sexual assault, endangering the welfare of children-parent or guardian commits offense, indecent assault-without the consent of other person, rape by forceable compulsion, sexual abuse of children-photographing, videotaping, depicting on a computer or filming sexual acts, aggravated indecent assault without consent, corruption of minors, and reckless endangerment of another person.

If not for ICE, this animal would still be roaming the streets, raping and assaulting little girls. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if my daughter was attacked by this piece of garbage, Hector wouldn’t be the only one to feel my wrath.

I hate this fucking city, and when I leave I am never coming back.

Putting The “Lose” In Louisiana

The boy is currently in Louisiana with two of his lacrosse teammates to catch tonight’s LSU-Arkansas football game. Kyle has been an LSU fan forever, and his teammate hails from the area, so they’re taking in the game before Thanksgiving break.

Hopefully, they won’t be as clumsy walking to the stadium as this bank robber was fleeing the scene of a crime.

A bank robber received a lot of attention following a clumsy escape from his heist in Louisiana.

The local sheriff’s office shared surveillance footage of the criminal getting away after he allegedly robbed a credit union in Shreveport – but not before tripping multiple times along the way.

The man was shown falling three times before he reached his getaway car and took off.

The video is something out of Candid Camera. This guy is a complete and utter clown, and it’s a miracle he didn’t shoot himself in the face as he repeatedly fell to the ground.

Can You Feel The Pain Tonight?

A Monroe, Michigan man was arrested after shooting two police officers after they responded to a disturbance. Responding officers shot the offender multiple times.

While that is the big story, the other story is the one which will have you scratching your heads. See also: the offender’s name.

Details are still limited but the Michigan State Police have identified the suspect who allegedly shot a pair of Monroe police officers Tuesday.

According to MSP officials, the suspect is 40-year-old Simba Lion.

The names of the injured officers have not been released. Lion was listed in critical condition at St. Vincent Medical Center in Toledo as of Wednesday morning.

Lion was shot by officers who responded to an apartment complex in the 700 block of Washington Street for an incident between a maintenance worker and Lion that turned physical.

Let’s hope Simba is soon reunited with his father Mufasa in the great beyond.

Eight Is Enough

A South American woman was arrested after she attempted to steal eight pairs of jeans… by wearing all of them at once. And that woman’s name is Melissa McCarthy.

A woman has allegedly been caught stealing multiple pairs of jeans from a clothing store.

She was filmed removing her loot, one layer at a time, after putting them all on at the same time to try and hoodwink security guards.

The unnamed woman stands in a bathroom as she takes off pair after pair after pair until she gets down to her knickers. As she removes the clothes, a man filming can be heard counting them as she leaves them round her ankles.

In total she had eight pairs of jeans on.

Two observations. First, the woman is actually prettier than I imagined, and as skinny as I imagined. Second, I’m guessing her private parts were pushed to the insides after all that denim tension. I do give her credit for originality, though.

Jeffrey Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself

The FBI will be investigating the death of uber-pedophile Jeffrey Epstein while he was in federal custody. Epstein, who many believe had dirt of all sorts of powerful and political bigwigs, was found dead of an alleged hanging but several questions popped up after the incident.

The FBI is reportedly looking into a possible “criminal enterprise” involved in the death of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

According to Fox News, Federal Bureau of Prisons Director Kathleen Hawk Sawyer testified on Capitol Hill on Tuesday, revealing, “The FBI is involved and they are looking at criminal enterprise” in his death.

Epstein died in Manhattan Correctional Center in New York City in August in what was ruled a suicide. However, his death a spurred a number of theories about other possible causes of his death.

Now I have ZERO faith in the investigative efforts of the FBI. In my opinion, it is a sham to satiate those who demand “transparency.” That said, the fact his two guards failed to check on him the night of his death, and the fact all video the footage “malfunctioned” makes me believe he was murdered.

Rancid Rashida Has Ethics Trouble

This has been a terrible week for me, between work stress and gaining back a few pounds – I was up to 190, then dropped today back to 185 – I really cannot wait until Saturday. Considering this situation, I wanted to end your work week with good news.

Disgusting anti-Semite Representative Rashida Tlaib has allegedly been using campaign funds to line her own pockets.

The Office of Congressional Ethics recommended subpoenaing Rep. Rashida Tlaib and several of her campaign staffers as part of an investigation into whether the Michigan Democrat improperly diverted campaign funds for personal use.

All five members of the board of OCE voted to recommend that the House Ethics Committee continue an investigation into Tlaib over $17,500 in payments she received from the campaign after her election win Nov. 6, 2018.

This may shock you, but Tlaib and her staffers refused to be interviewed by the OCE. It’s almost like they believe they’re above the law.

House rules allow candidates to receive salaries during their campaigns that are not greater than what they earned in the year before starting their campaign. Candidates are also allowed to receive funds only up until the general election.

Tlaib received $45,500.00 between May 7, 2018, and Dec. 1, 2018. The two potentially problematic payments were made Nov. 16, 2018, for $2,000, and $15,500 on Dec. 1, 2018.

Now I’m just a small town lawyer, but how and why is it legal for politicians to pay themselves during a campaign? This was never something the founders intended, and they would be sickened by this corruption and graft. The entire American political system is corrupt to its core.

Scruff The Magic Dragon

Meet Nicholas Miller of Greenfield, Indiana. Nicholas likes to wind down after a hard day of work, and when his relaxation is interrupted, he gets fired up.

Nicholas Miller was removed by staff at Dancers Show Club at 8013 West Washington Street for “causing a disturbance.” Just after midnight on Nov. 7, officers with the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department responded to the club after receiving a report that a man tried to set the building on fire.

The manager at Dancers says that Miller was served two beers after arriving around 11 p.m. on Nov. 6, then was asked to leave for “acting strange by standing over other patrons staring at them.”

The manager watched on a camera as Miller left the building, then went to pull something out of his trunk. Video of the incident was turned over to IMPD by the manager. Investigators say Miller can be seen placing a gas can next to the building, underneath a gas meter. A shirt was wrapped around the gas can’s spigot.

Miller is then seen on video lighting a cigarette, taking several tokes on it, then holding the cigarette near the gas can and shirt. After it fails to ignite, investigators say he threw the cigarette toward the gas can, then ran to his vehicle.

That’s odd, because Nicholas seems like a very bright guy with a good head on his shoulders. I figured he would at least know how to burn down a building… or comb his hair.

Bleach Your Children Well

Meet Olivia Huerta from… Texas?

Olivia, like many young, attractive teachers across the country, truly cares about her students; so much so she spends ample time with her male pupils.

A substitute teacher at the Pasadena Independent Schools in Texas was charged Thursday charged with having sex with her 16-year-old student.

She faces a second-degree felony charge of improper relationship with a student and sexual assault of a child between the ages of 14 and 16.

At her arraignment Thursday, Huerta’s bond was set at $40,000. The 23-year-old took over as the fill-in social science teacher at Sam Rayburn High School between January and April of 2018, court documents indicate.

During that time, police allege Huerta brought the teenage student to her parent’s house to have the one-night stand.

I’m starting to think female pedophiles are drawn to teaching, since it’s a target-rich environment. Even with the felony charge, Olivia won’t spend much time in prison, and she’ll still be young enough to prey on kids when she’s released.

Taking A Bite Out Of Crime

Meet Dennis Slaton of Greenville, South Carolina.

Dennis is just trying to find love in this crazy, mixed-up world, which is surprisingly difficult when you’re a registered sex offender. Luckily, he found the right woman, and she certainly set him straight.

According to the Greenville County Sheriff’s Office, the alleged victim told police that on 8 August, she was waiting to be picked up by someone she had met online when she saw Slaton’s white van driving outside a motel and motioned for him to pull over.

She claims she got into Slaton’s car but almost immediately felt that something was not right and asked him to drop her off. The woman offered him five dollars for the ride and he said ‘OK’. But Slaton continued to drive and pulled a knife out which he then held to the woman’s throat, yelling that she owed him $300, she claims.

The police report states he then drove her to his home where he allegedly sexually assaulted her and threatened to kill her ‘after he was done with her’.

She bit Slaton on his penis as she fought to get away, severing the organ, before grabbing the knife he had allegedly used against her to stab him in the bottom.

This woman is an honest-to-goodness hero. We should be proclaiming her name across the globe and writing songs about her. Hell, put her face on Mount Rushmore, and the U.S. Dollar… all denominations.