Frank The Skank Spanks Point Blank

Meet former New Orleans mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock. Frank believes in polling the electorate, and using polls, and occasionally playing with his pole.

Former mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock pleaded no contest Monday (April 23) in a Santa Monica, Calif,. court after he was arrested last year on charges that he was masturbating in the backseat during an Uber ride.

Scurlock was arrested in February 2017 after an Uber driver picked him up from a West Hollywood hotel. As the vehicle was passing through Santa Monica, the driver heard Scurlock making noises in the backseat and pulled over and opened the passenger door. She saw Scurlock with his penis exposed and masturbating, according to a Santa Monica official, and ran to a gas station and called police.

The implication here is Frank started flogging the dolphin while thinking of the Uber driver. If she was driving the vehicle, he could only primarily see the back of her hear. Of course, that may be Frank’s particular fetish…

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All Too Easy

Meet Joshua L. Franklin of East Alton, Illinois.

Joshua is a part of the Upright Citizens Brigade, so when he observed a robbery, he immediately came forward as the state’s star witness. it was not the first mistake he made that fateful morn.

Within an hour, East Alton Police said a person matching the description of the suspect was in the lobby, wanting to report the Wood River robbery. Joshua L. Franklin told police he had witnessed the robbery.

Officers arrived in the lobby and arrested him. When police searched Franklin’s home, they found clothing, money and a weapon.

Franklin, 19, pleaded guilty April 16 to a robbery at Wood River Convenient Market in August 2017, and was sentenced to four years in prison.

Franklin will now spend the next four years witnessing soap bar beatings and random acts of sodomy.

The Details Are Sketchy

Aging pr0n star Stormy Daniels claims she was threatened by a man who allegedly told her to stop talking about Donald Trump… seven years ago. This week, she released a sketch of the offender.

Stormy Daniels released a rough sketch of a man she says threatened her in 2011.

The adult-film star, who claims she had an affair with President Trump more than a decade ago and was paid for her silence, released the sketch during an appearance on ABC’s “The View.”

Daniels said during an interview that aired last month she was threatened after she agreed to discuss her alleged affair with Trump with a publication in 2011.

Now, I’m no detective, but judging from the photo, I’ve narrowed down the list of suspects to Tom Brady, Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe, or Val Kilmer. You stay here, I’ll start submitting the arrest warrants.

The Wind Cries Scary

Two men were captured on video chasing money they stole as it blew down a Manchester street.

CCTV footage released by Greater Manchester Police shows a man struggling to get hold of the flying cash after two men stole it from a travel agents in Droylsden, Greater Manchester.

The men walked into the agents on Queens Walk on 1pm on Saturday 17 March 2018, where they demanded members of staff hand cash from the safe. They shoved the cash down the pockets of their trousers before fleeing the shop. But as they hurried away along Craven Street, notes started dropping out of their trousers and got caught up in the wind.

The men are seen desperately scrambling to catch the notes, which are scattered all over the street and pavement, before getting into a silver car which sped off towards Fairfield Road.

What, does England have no bags with dollar signs on them? Have these men no duffel bags? These clowns must have emigrated to England from Florida.

Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied

The Office of the Inspector General released its report on the FBI’s actions leading up the the 2016 presidential election. The results are damning, especially toward to former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe.

“[W]e concluded that McCabe’s decision to confirm the existence of the CF investigation through an anonymously sourced quote, recounting the content of a phone call with a senior department official in a manner designed to advance his personal interests at the expense of department leadership, was clearly not within the public interest exception.”

Sessions said that McCabe “made an unauthorized disclosure to the news media and lacked candor − including under oath − on multiple occasions.”

“Lacked candor” is a polite way to confirm McCabe lied.

That leak confirmed the existence of the probe, which then-FBI Director James Comey had up to that point refused to do. The report says that McCabe “lacked candor” in a conversation with Comey when he said that he had not authorized the disclosure and didn’t know who had done so.

The IG also found that he also lacked candor when questioned by FBI agents on multiple occasions since that conversation, where he told agents that he did authorize the disclosure and did not know who was responsible.

Remember McCabe, like Comey, regularly insisted he was the white knight during this debacle. His principles were unquestioned, and his honor was unchallenged. In the end, the OIG report confirms what we knew all along; McCabe, and most likely Comey, were more about upholding their reputations than they were about upholding the law.

Better Ingredients, Better Pizza

Meet Kenneth Evans of Masury, Ohio.

Kenneth is a simple man with simple tastes. He enjoys an occasional snifter of brandy, fine Italian cuisine, and disagreements with his spouse.

[Evans] told police that he was arguing with the woman and had flipped over a couch, but he denied touching her. Police said the house was trashed, with the couch upside down against the wall.

The woman told police that Evans began screaming at her while she was driving him home. She said he pushed her head repeatedly while she was driving and at one point, hit her in the face with a pizza.

Oh. My. God. Is the pizza okay? In fairness, Kenneth doesn’t have a Facebook account and simply wanted to show his wife his dinner choices.

She told police that Evans then tried to fight a neighbor, threw tires into the roadway and smashed a mailbox.

Police took photos of tires on the street, the pizza and the car.

Of course they did, because Ohio.

You Can’t Spell Fib Without “FBI”

Disgraced former FBI hacks James Comey – seen above, lying to Congress – and Andrew McCabe disagree about which criminal authorized agents to leak investigational details to the leftist media.

Former FBI Director James Comey told internal investigators at the Justice Department that he could not recall McCabe telling him about having authorized FBI officials to talk to a reporter about an ongoing investigation, the sources said…

Another source familiar with the matter argued the discrepancy between the two accounts is more about the fact they are recalling the interaction differently than a dispute about what took place, saying both were acting in “good faith.”

“They recall it differently,” the source said. “Andy thinks in good faith he told him, and Comey in good faith says he wasn’t told.”

Apparently the phrase “in good faith” is FedSpeak for lying. I sincerely hope to see these two before Congress, under oath, explaining their actions during their ridiculous reign.

London Falling

Speaking of England, it’s capital city is enjoying a rapid murder spike. In the past year, London must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

London’s murder rate has overtaken New York City’s for the first time ever as the twelfth person has been killed in just 19 days.

February marked the first month in history books that London had more murders than the American city with a total of 15 homicides. Out of the 15 killed, nine were aged 30 or younger. In March, there were 22 murders, which is likely to match if not beat out New York’s numbers.

The murder epidemic continued on Sunday when a man in his twenties was fatally stabbed after leaving a bar in Wandsworth, marking the 12th person to be murdered in London in 19 days.

Me: Hmm, I wonder what could be the cause in the murder spike? Narrator: It’s Islam.

Rage In The Gage

Meet Gage L. Fisher of Casper, Wyoming.

Gage has an anger problem – probably because he has giant holes in his earlobes – and the rage manifests itself in violent assaults involving food.

A police officer responded to 1016 North Kimball for a reported assault at 6:18 p.m. Saturday.

The mother of both Fisher and the victim told the officer that the two had gotten into an argument about a cup, with Fisher believing his younger sister had taken the cup from which he had been drinking. The mother told Fisher to leave the house in order to defuse the situation, and Fisher became angry at his mother for taking his sister’s side in the matter.

Fisher then threw a hot burrito, “which had just been removed from the microwave,” at his sister. The burrito hit her arm and caused a burn.

The officer photographed the girl’s left arm and saw a red mark “consistent with something hot, like a burrito, striking her,” according to the affidavit.

Dear Casper Police Department, please promote this officer, post-haste. Anyone who writes that line on an official police document deserves a promotion, shaving commercials, and many beautiful ladies.

Weed Me, Seymour!

Meet Tracey Gittens.

Tracey is a sergeant with the NYPD who landed in hot water after a failed drug test. Tracey is fighting the results, and her excuse will blow your mind.

A New York Police Department sergeant faces possible dismissal from the force after what she claims was a false positive drug test, resulting from a hair being tested that came from her weave.

‘I was shocked,’ Sgt. Tracy Gittens testified on Friday during her department trial, regarding how she felt when she was informed that her random drug test came back positive for marijuana in January 2017. ‘I do not do drugs,’ she said, offering the possible explanation that the real human hair, snipped from her and tested was actually cut from a hair piece she said she was wearing as a ponytail at the time.

NYPD officials, however, said that’s not possible, following a DNA test that Gittens paid for. She hoped that test would prove the drug-infused hair was not hers, but NYPD prosecutors said the results actually showed the hair was a genetic match to either Gittens or a close relative.

I’m no detective, but I’m fairly certain Tracey will be free to smoke all the weed she desires by the end of the week. No worries, though; someone with her qualifications should have no trouble finding a top flight job in either the food-service or housekeeping industries.