Ol’ Man River…

Meet Tobias Hartsfield of Bettendorf, Iowa.

Tobias doesn’t approve of Iowa summers, so he tries to keep cool by sailing on a barge… in the nude.

On Sunday officers responded to a report of a naked man who was on a barge. Police have identified that suspect as 43-year-old Tobias Hartsfield.

Police say Hartsfield took a boat from the marina and floated it to the I-74 Bridge construction area.

Hartsfield then got onto a barge and untied ropes, causing the barge to shift according to police. A tow boat was called in to move the barge back.

Police say Hartsfield went back to the stolen boat and then was taken into custody. (H/T – Ronni)

Luckily Tobias didn’t fall into the Mississippi. or else he would be suffering from “shrinkage.”

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What. In. The. Hell?

The New York City medical examiner has performed an autopsy on Jeffrey Epstein, and found multiple breaks in neck bones, occasionally found in homicides.

An autopsy found that financier Jeffrey Epstein sustained multiple breaks in his neck bones, according to two people familiar with the findings, deepening the mystery about the circumstances around his death.

Among the bones broken in Epstein’s neck was the hyoid bone, which in men is near the Adam’s apple. Such breaks can occur in those who hang themselves, particularly if they are older, according to forensics experts and studies on the subject. But they are more common in victims of homicide by strangulation, the experts said.

The office of New York City’s chief medical examiner, Barbara Sampson, completed an autopsy of Epstein’s body Sunday. But Sampson listed the cause of his death as pending. Sampson’s office did not comment on the injuries found in the autopsy.

I’m beginning to believe Epstein’s death is a 50/50 toss-up between suicide and homicide. There are too many coincidences and variables for this to be a straight suicide, but he atttempted suicide shortly after he arrived in prison, so…

Yeah, I got nothin’.

Jeffrey Epstein Commits “Suicide”

Alleged sex trafficker and billionaire Democrat donor Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his cell after an apparent “suicide.” The incident occurred a day after information about his alleged co-conspirators was released.

While I will continue to encircle the word “suicide” with air quotes, there is no evidence foul play was involved. Well, except for the fact Bill Clinton and many other prominent, wealthy men were allegedly close friends with Epstein. Besides, if the media can play up bogus conspiracy theories about President Trump, I can play by their rules, too.

The reported suicide of Democrat-affiliated sex predator Jeffrey Epstein earlier this morning has journalists and other concerned citizens demanding answers.

But they shouldn’t expect any to arise soon, if ever, as a report from New Right founder Michael Coudrey indicates that a mysterious camera malfunction has prevented any footage of Epstein’s alleged suicide from being captured.

Interesting. Not really proof of anything, but the preponderance of evidence is… interesting.

Rampant speculation and conspiracy theories are reaching a fever pitch as a result of the incredibly suspect circumstances around Epstein’s alleged suicide.

So right now we know – or at least someone is reporting – the following: 1. One camera in a (likely) billion-dollar federal detention facility had a malfunction at the exact time Epstein decided to hang himself. [The rest of these coincidences were reported in the New York Times.] 2. Epstein was on suicide watch after a previous “suicide” attempt, but the watch was lifted prior to the successful “suicide.” 3. Epstein was supposed to have a cellmate, but that person was transferred before the incident, and another cellmate was not assigned. 4. Epstein was supposed to be checked on every half hour that evening, but, for reasons unknown, that procedure was not followed.

Just yesterday, several prominent officials who served in the administration of former President Bill Clinton were implicated as Epstein’s co-conspirators, abusing child prostitutes as apart of his illicit sex trafficking network, in court documents released to the public. The civil lawsuits against Epstein will continue despite his sudden and suspicious demise.

Now, if I may play Devil’s Advocate, mistakes – read: fuck-ups – happen all the time in cell rooms. There have been a few attempted suicides in my department’s cell blocks over the decades, but sheer volume makes it difficult to check on everyone frequently. It’s rare, but it happens. That said, federal detention facilities have more manpower, better equipment, and strict rules when it comes to procedures, inmate checks, etc. Do suicides occur in federal prisons? Of course. It’s the leading cause of death, and a third of all causes.

That said, the suicide rate is about 50 per 100,000 prisoners, so it’s not an epidemic. I believe that’s because most federal corrections officers take their job seriously, and understand how important the protocols are. Plus, you know, they’dd like to keep their jobs.

I honestly don’t know what happened in the Epstein case, but the coincidences demand a thorough investigation. Sadly, considering the co-conspirators involved, I doubt we’ll ever know the truth.

Dix Gets Shafted By A Vagina

Meet Ashley Beth Rolland of Monroe, Louisiana. Ashley is an attractive, loving woman, who would do anything for her boyfriend.

Especially if his money needs to be kept warm.

The Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office said that 23-year-old Ashley Beth Rolland was accused of stealing about $5,000 from her boyfriend.

The victim, Eugene Dix, told the West Monroe Police Department that he was taking a shower in his apartment when Rolland helped himself to his cash and vanished. When she was questioned, Rolland allegedly confessed to police that she had taken the money.

Sheriff’s department documents said that when a female correctional officer searched Rolland when she was being processed, she discovered $6,233 and “a clear plastic bag” of methamphetamine inside the woman’s vagina.

Eh, what? First, you’re not a kangaroo, and second, if your vagina looks like a wallet, you have more serious problems than your upcoming court case. Sadly, that’s not the most bizarre part of this story…

Rolland denied that the bag of approximately one gram of methamphetamine found inside her was hers. (H/T – Jim F. and Al)

Yep, Ashley was just sitting on a park bench, minding her own business, when some stranger shoved a baggie of meth into her vagina.

Don’t. Mess. With. Her. Fries.

A Georgia woman was arrested after seriously complaining about her McDonald’s fries.

A Garden City McDonald’s owner said [Lillian Shantel Tarver] left with her food order then came back saying her fries were cold.

The woman had a gun in her hand while she complained about the food and demanded a refund. The owner told WJCL that he opened the cash drawer and told the woman she could take whatever she wanted. The station said the woman fired a single shot at the ground before leaving the restaurant.

While I’m not a fan of McDonald’s, their fries rare amazeballs. I wouldn’t be happy if they were packed in the bag cold, but I also wouldn’t come back with a gun. Cold waffle fries from Chick-Fil-A? Maybe.

Bring Out The Gimp

A small village in Somerset, England is on the lookout for a man in a gimp suit who has been chasing young women.

Wow, that may be the most bizarre sentence I have ever typed.

A “GRUNTING” creep in a “gimp suit” chased a terrified woman through a sleepy Somerset village – sparking a police helicopter search. She was walking through the village of Claverham when she saw the stalker “charging” at her “in a full black rubbery suit” on Thursday night.

Describing what happened, she said: “I was walking along with my torch and looked up to see someone charging at me in a full black rubbery suit and managed to take a picture.

“He kept coming towards me and was touching his groin, grunting and breathing heavy.”

For the record, no, I am not the man in the gimp suit. Yes I have been to England recently, but I do not own a gimp suit. I mean, I’ve rented one, but it was returned a few days ago. Yeah, that’s it.

There is no word whether the song “Yakety Sax” was playing during the chase.

Drive It Like You Stole It

A 54-year old Philadelphia man received more than he bargained for when he stole a running vehicle with three toddlers inside.

The violent ordeal began when a 25-year-old woman parked her Hyundai sedan outside a pizza shop on 29th and Dauphin streets in North Philadelphia.

The woman left her three young children inside the running car as she went inside to visit her boyfriend, who was an employee at the restaurant and the father of two of the kids.

Suddenly, a 54-year-old man jumped into her car and sped off with the children, who are between the ages of 7 months and 5 years old, strapped inside.

Leaving a toddler and an infant inside a running car in North Philly. This woman is obviously a frontrunner for mother of the year.

The woman’s boyfriend ran after the thief. The man drove half a block before getting stuck in traffic at 29th and York streets. The kids’ father then pulled the thief out of the car and beat him as other bystanders in the area joined the attack.

Medics responded to the scene and found the car thief unconscious with severe injuries to the head and face. He was taken to Temple University Hospital and pronounced dead shortly after 10 p.m. (H/TAOSHQ)

Two things: First, I’m embarrassed Ace found this before me, but when it’s my day off, I rarely worry about what happens in this garbage town. Second, while I don’t think this is a case of premeditated murder, you could certainly charge the man with manslaughter. That said, no jury in this city would convict him, and I doubt even this town’s godawful D.A. would file charges.

Cole-Hearted

Meet Erica Cole of Cullman County, Alabama. Erica has an anger management problem, and by that I mean she manages her anger by shooting at other people.

Sheriff Matt Gentry said the incident began about 6:45 p.m. Saturday in a road rage episode on Alabama 69 in Dodge City. The dispute carried over to a home on County Road 160 in Bremen.

Erica Cole attempted to shoot a second party, but instead struck her husband. Nicholas Cole was shot in in the head and is reportedly in stable condition.

In her defense, she shot someone. A few more tries and her aim will improve.

Cole was arrested on charges of attempted murder, second-degree assault and reckless endangerment. She is being held without bond in the Cullman County Detention Center.

I’m certain Erica’s husband is going to explore the dating scene the second he recovers.

Black Snake Thrown

Meet Hilmary Moreno-Berrios of Greenville, South Carolina.

Like many Latin women, Hilmary’s temper is muy caliente, so it should be no surprise she carjacked a fellow citizen… point of snake.

Police said they were called to investigate a carjacking report at 8:20 p.m. Friday.

The victim told the police that a woman threw a black snake at her and stole her SUV.

But was it a magnificent specimen of pure Alabama black snake?

At around 8:30 p.m., an officer saw someone drive through barriers that were set up for a pole-vaulting event scheduled for Saturday.

Officers said a woman, identified later as Hilmary Moreno-Berrios, refused to stop when an officer tried to perform a traffic stop. Police say they were then led on a chase that ended when the SUV hit an occupied vehicle.

But, but, were the pole vaulters okay?

The Devil Came Down To Virginia

A Virginia family spent their first night in their new home battling a strung-out woman with blue hair. Wow, the Welcome Committees in the south go a little overboard.

A female suspect who was naked and with blue hair in a ponytail broke into the family’s home and refused to leave, telling them: “I’m the devil,” WRIC reported.

The dad of the family fired 39 “warning shots” at the intruder, but she was undeterred. A brawl broke out between the woman and the family – including the 12-year-old son.

Instead of reloading your pistol three times, maybe just shoot her in the face and be done with it?

Punches and furniture were reportedly thrown about. The fight ended after the 12-year-old shoved a wrench into the intruder’s neck.

Wow, that’s awesome! If nothing else, the 12-year old should be living off PlayStation, candy, and ice cream for the next few months.