Romero And Juliet

Meet Jesse Romero, America’s oldest high school student. Jesse is on the eleven-year graduation plan, which will soon be adding another five to ten.

A 25-year-old community high school student who also worked for the school district was arrested on Tuesday and charged with possession of a gun on school grounds.

Officers were sent to McLain Community High School on West 2nd Place around 10 a.m. due to reports of a student with a gun. Another student at the school reportedly saw Jesse Romero with a gun and told staff as soon as he could.

Staff and Jeffco Safety and Security put the school on lockdown immediately and Romero was taken into custody. According to the Police Department, a gun was taken from Romero. (H/T – TXNick)

Jesse told female students he was working on the “21 Jump Street” program, because that makes it easier for a 25-year old to get into a freshman’s pants.

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Brooklyn Six-Nine

Meet Tara Lenich.

Tara is a former Brooklyn prosecutor who was imprisoned after she wiretapped a colleague and a police officer, whom Lenich believed was having an affair. Lenich was allegedly interested in the officer, hence the illegal, hormonal decision-making.

Former Brooklyn Assistant DA Stephanie Rosenfeld sued Tara Lenich last year, claiming she was forced to leave her post at the Brooklyn DA’s office because of all the gossip about whether she did or didn’t “have an affair with the police officer.”

Lenich was sentenced to a year and a day behind bars in February, after admitting she forged judges’ signatures in order to eavesdrop on calls between Rosenfeld and married NYPD Detective Jarrett Lemieux.

But in a letter filed Friday, Lenich’s attorney Eric Creizman argues the disgraced lawyer isn’t civilly liable — because she didn’t leak Rosenfeld’s name or the contents of the calls to their blabbermouth colleagues, or the media.

The irony of all this, according to Rosenfeld’s lawyer, is Rosenfeld and Lemieux weren’t even an item. Crazypants simply made it up out of whole loincloth.

Stripped Of His Dignity

A man wanted to start 2019 off with a bang, but instead of bedding some fine, primo hoors, he was sucker punched in the face and had his money stolen.

A New Year’s Day celebration at a Myrtle Beach club took a bad turn when a man got punched in the face and robbed of the money in his hand.

About 2 a.m., police responded to a reported strong armed robbery at Derriere’s on Seaboard Street. The victim, who had a cut on his nose, told police that he was getting lap dances and was punched in the face and fell to the ground.

The victim said his brother punched him and took $6 from his hand.

So he was robbed by his own brother and the clown only got away with six dollars? Wow, you are one pathetic loser.

What Time Is It? It’s Taco Clock!

Meet Roberto A. Canamargarza.

Roberto is a stranger in a strange land, and the only thing he needed to cure his homesickness was a bushel of tacos, a decent haircut, and a handgun.

Roberto A. Canamargarza, a Mexican citizen, was arrested Monday afternoon by Dallas Police after pointing a gun at different men, shooting one of them and demanding them to drive him to a taco restaurant.

Wow, way to start off the article with a racist stereotype, Dallas News!

After demanding the first victim to take him to get tacos, the driver dropped him off and drove away. He then did the same to the following two men — except Canamargarza fired several rounds at both of them.

Now before you get all judgy, I once stabbed a woman because she wouldn’t buy me a box of Milk Duds.

The second victim was able to run away as gunshots hit a nearby tire shop. The third ended up getting shot in the lower body prior to Canamarganza climbing into his car.

Ironically the victim experienced the same burning sensation the tacos would have given Roberto.

After the car didn’t start — he allegedly ran to look for other victims.

Wait a minute, the Mexican didn’t know how to hotwire a car? Holy shit, was that racist?

Katrina And The Graves

Meet Katrina Danforth.

Katrina boinks guys professionally under the stage name Lynn Pleasant, but sadly, she is anything but.

An adult film actress from Post Falls, Idaho, is pleading innocent to charges that she tried to hire someone to kill another person.

The Spokesman-Review reported that 31-year-old Katrina L. Danforth entered the plea on Wednesday in federal court in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Danforth makes adult films under the name Lynn Pleasant.

Court records say she tried to hire someone to kill a person identified only as “R.H.” Other details were not available.

I’m as upset at the end of Top Gear as the next guy, but that’s no reason to murder Richard Hammond. The man is an icon!

By the way, how funny is it that a pr0n star hails from Idaho. It’s not just her state; it’s also her description.

Corpse Tried

A British man has been arrested after breaking into a funeral home and shagging a corpse.

A burglar who broke into a funeral home and had sex with a corpse lying in a coffin faces a “substantial” jail term.

Kasim Khuram, of Aston, in Birmingham, pleaded guilty Wednesday to an offence of sexual penetration of a body at the Co-Op Funeral Home in Great Barr. Khuram, who appeared at Birmingham Crown Court flanked by a security officer, touched his chest and gave the thumbs-up to his relatives in the public gallery during a 10-minute hearing.

Wearing a black hooded top and trousers and sporting a Palestinian flag tattoo on the left side of his neck, he stood with hands clutched in front of him as the charges were read.

I wonder what Queen Elizabeth thinks about Parliament’s wanton open borders policy? I’d wager very few true Brits would commit such a crime. The Irish, sure, but not the Brits.

When I finally kick, any one of you ladies can have your way with me. You know, if that’s your thing.

Bail To The Redskins

Meet Montae Nicholson of the NFL’s Washington Redskins.

Like many NFL players, Montae is a thug who hates the po-po. Of course, the question remains; if you hate cops so much, why do you spend so much time around them?

Safety Montae M. Nicholson, 23, of Ashburn, was charged with assault and battery and drunk in public following the incident. Another suspect, Sydney A. Maggiore, 24, of Vienna, was reportedly with Nicholson at the scene. She has been charged with malicious wounding and assault and battery.

According to the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office, deputies responded to the 20400 block of Exchange Street shortly before 2 a.m. for a report of a fight.

The reported victims, an adult male and adult female, were located at the scene. They were allegedly assaulted by Nicholson and Maggiore. An investigation determined Nicholson assaulted the male victim, while Maggiore assaulted both the male and female victims. Maggiore is believed to have struck the female victim with a bottle.

Such a waste. I heard Montae was just turning his life around.

Balls Of Steele

The FBI released a document detailing what disgraced former FBI chief James Comey told President Trump regarding the debunked Steele Dossier. Naturally, Comey lied his skinny ass off.

The document asserts Christopher Steele, the former British spy who compiled the dossier, was working “on behalf of private clients” in his investigation of Trump’s possible ties to Russia. His dossier contained “highly politically sensitive information.”

*whispers* Christopher Steele inserted provably false information into his dossier. Let’s see if the incompetent FBI can tell the difference.

Steele is described as collecting information “from a layered network of identified and unidentified subsources, some of which has been corroborated in the past.”

Those characterizations are likely to draw the attention of Republicans, many of whom have accused the FBI of relying too heavily on Steele’s unverified reporting in its investigation of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russian government.

“Relying too heavily” can also be read as “The FBI relied SOLELY upon unproven information because they were upset the world’s worst presidential candidate lost the 2016 election.”

Steele was ultimately working for the Clinton campaign and DNC, not a private client. And Steele’s use of some “unidentified” sources could raise questions about his collection methods.

In an actual constitutional republic, Robert Mueller would be fired – and possibly be facing arrest – Hillary Clinton, James Comey, James Clapper, John Brennan, and Christopher Steele would be looking at prison time. Sadly, America is no longer a constitutional republic, so Mueller will continue his lawlessness, and the Trump “investigation” will continue for another two – or maybe six – years.

Work It, Girl!

Meet Karen Hutchinson, a teacher in the U.K. Well, Hutchinson is a former teacher now, after she had female students photograph each other for an “art project.”

AN art teacher was fired for letting a teenage student strip for a topless photoshoot in a classroom store cupboard.

Karen Hutchinson, 46, lent her camera to an 18-year-old girl to take shots of her 17-year-old classmate for a project on the female form.

That’s hot.

Hutchinson downloaded the photos and emailed them to one of the girls from her own account so the school’s IT staff would not see them.

The pictures, of the girl’s torso only, were included in the student’s portfolio and seen by external examiners. But they were also seen by lads when they were pinned to an A1 portfolio board.

Wow, who could have foreseen that… except every person on Earth with a brain. What a dumbass.

Who Doesn’t Enjoy A Good Sit?

This sexy beast is Amy Nicole Parrino of Missouri. Amy is a delicate flower lost amidst the misogynist male patriarchy, and she has so much love to give.

Amy Nicole Parrino, 43, was busted on charges of domestic assault and sexual abuse for the Sunday night incident that occurred at Parrino and the man’s Boone County home.

During the 9:45 p.m. attack, Parrino allegedly punched the man up to 25 times and struck him with a belt, cellphone and brass plate. Then a naked Parrino chased the man around the house as he pleaded for her to “leave him alone.”

But Parrino did not relent, as she “pushed him to the ground and then sat on his face,” the victim told police.

The victim told investigators that while Parrino “was sitting on his face she said to him ‘eat my p—-y,’” the court document states. For a “few seconds” during the encounter, the man said, he could not breathe and that he was “scared to death.”

Dude, I hear ya, but explain how you have not lived in mortal fear from the moment you met this Sasquatch. Oh, and before you ask, yes, it’s hit that… with my car.