Fire Down Below

Meet McKayla Biedenbach and Creio Bishop of Huntington, West Virginia. Creio is a simple man with simple tastes, but instead of dropping to his knees and thanking Vishnu someone like McKayla would open her legs for him, Creio chose a different path.

Creio Bishop, 21, was arrested and charged with second-degree arson for allegedly setting fire to JB’s Gentleman’s Club at 3330 US 60.

According to a statement from State Fire Marshal, the blaze ignited just after 3.30am on Wednesday, after which Bishop fled on foot from the scene – but he did not get far. When questioned about his motive, the 21-year-old ‘excitedly stated he was tired of his girlfriend working at JB’s, so he set it on fire.‘

No injuries were reported as a result of the fire, which scorched the front door, siding, wall, air conditioning unit and surveillance camera at the adult night club.

McKayla is a pretty girl, and has a fantastic Michelle Trachtenberg vibe going on. Creio is a human slug who shouldn’t be allowed to date humans, let alone a stripper. The man is too ugly for West Virginia – if that’s possible – and he ruined a good thing because he tried to use his pea-sized brain.

Enjoy prison, fat boy.

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Harvey Corpsman

The Harvey Weinstein debacle took yet another disturbing turn this week when bodacious Mexican actress Salma Hayek came forward with accusations of assault, threats, and sexual harassment.

Weinstein, for his part, denies all the charges.

A spokesperson for Harvey Weinstein has released a statement about Salma Hayek’s allegations against the disgraced producer.

On Wednesday, the Oscar-nominated actress published an essay in The New York Times about her experience working with Weinstein on the 2002 film Frida. Hayek does not just allege that he sexually propositioned her numerous times—she also alleges that Weinstein constantly berated her over the course of making the film, physically dragged her at a party, threatened to kill her, and forced her to do a full-frontal nude sex scene.

In the statement, Weinstein denies “pressuring Salma to do a gratuitous sex scene with a female co-star.” In addition, he denies claims of sexual misconduct.

All these allegations are despicable – save for the full-frontal nude scene. Oh, sorry.

I have no problem with Weinstein denying the charges. If he believes all these women remember things incorrectly, fine. That said, Weinstein believes he is still a Hollywood icon with all the perks and privileges afforded his former status. Dude has a rude wake-up call coming. Soon.

Stealers Wheel

A Pittsburgh thief found more than he bargained for when he attempted to steal the wheels off an unoccupied van.

A man who had apparently tried to steal wheels from a van was found dead Tuesday morning in Pittsburgh, with the vehicle on top of him, authorities said.

“According to the investigation, it is believed the male victim was attempting to steal the wheels from a van when the vehicle fell on top of him,” said a statement from the city’s Public Safety Department. (H/TAOSHQ)

The good news is instead of paying for an expensive coffin, the coroner can just slip this dumbass’ corpse under the door.

Is That Bologna In Your Pants, Or…

An American citizen was detained after trying to smuggle pure, uncut Mexican bologna into the U.S.

A New Mexico resident has been cited after federal officials say he tried to smuggle 76 pounds of illicit lunch meat from Mexico by hiding it in a spare tire.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection said last week that the eight rolls of Mexican bologna were discovered aboard a truck at an El Paso port of entry on Friday.

Officers detected an anomaly in the appearance of a Ford F-150 as it arrived at the Paso Del Norte international crossing port. Agents scanned the spare tire with a density meter. When they opened the spare tire, officials said agents found the bologna hidden inside.

The street value of the seized bologna is close to $50 million, if it’s sold in individually-wrapped slices.

The Best Funeral You’ll Ever Attend

Funerals are dreadfully sad, depressing events no one ever looks forward to attending. Now, thanks to the goof thugs of Chicago, a funeral can be the most exciting event of your very short life.

The procession was “total chaos,” Hillside Police Chief Joseph Lukaszek said. Passengers were hanging out of the vehicles’ windows and driving in and out of traffic as they headed toward the cemetery.

One of the vehicles in the procession was identified as having been involved in multiple shootings earlier Tuesday in Chicago, including one in front of a church. Police stopped the vehicle “with force” at Mannheim and Harrison roads in Hillside after a passenger inside showed a weapon.

Lukaszek said he used his SUV to ram the vehicle in order to end a short pursuit. A foot chase followed, and three men and a woman — all in their 20s — were taken into custody and are awaiting charges.

Inside the vehicle, investigators found three handguns with high-capacity magazines and high-impact ammunition, Lukaszek said. Between the four taken into custody, they had been arrested more than 160 times. (H/T – Al B.)

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel wants to become a U.S. Senator. With a track record like this, he should be the Democrats’ 2020 presidential nominee.

What Can Brown Do For You?

This extremely attractive and intelligent woman is Corrine Brown, a former Democrat congresscritter from – you guessed it – Florida. Instead of serving her former constituents, however, Brown will be spending the next five years in federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison.

On Monday, former Congresswoman Corrine Brown (D-Fla.) was sentenced to five years in prison for tax fraud involving a bogus charity. Donors to the charity One Door for Education thought they were sending scholarships to poor children, but Brown took the money for herself.

Brown was convicted in May of 18 charges, including conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, aiding and abetting mail fraud, aiding and abetting wire fraud, scheme to conceal material facts, corrupt endeavor to obstruct and impede the due administration of internal revenue law, and filing false tax returns.

According to the case, Chief of Staff Ronnie Simmons would also give Brown blank checks from the nonprofit’s account. Prosecutors determined that Carla Wiley deposited $800,000 in One Door’s account over four years, during which time only one scholarship for $1,000 was sent to a needy child.

I’d bet dollars to donuts – mmm, donuts – the one scholarship was sent to one of Brown’s family members, or a close personal friend. This contemptible shrew will not enjoy federal prison, but I certainly will be enjoying her stay.

Continue reading “What Can Brown Do For You?”

You Can’t Spell “The Pokey” Without KY

Meet Kevin Rojas of Florida.

Kevin was just sentenced to life imprisonment for shooting at a Jacksonville police detective and the detective’s young son. The detective was hit three times. After the sentencing, the detective gave his shooter some epic parting words.

A police officer taunted the Jacksonville man who shot him multiple times last year by taking out a tube of K-Y Jelly personal lubricant in court and saying, “You are going to need a lot of this.”

Kevin Rojas, then 19, shot the undercover police officer three times during a 2016 traffic stop, including once in the face. The critically-wounded officer, who was taking his son to school during the incident, returned fire but did not hit Rojas. His son was not injured.

“I will take those bullets instead of a fellow officer and an innocent bystander. When I brought the fight back to you, you ran like a coward.” The officer then produced a tube of K-Y Jelly and told Rojas he would “need a lot” of it in prison.

The detective is not wrong. Look at that kid’s face; he is going to be the darling of D-Block.

Just A Little Off The Top

Meet Argentina’s Brenda Barattini. Brenda is a beautiful woman who any man would love to take home to mom… as long as everyone keeps an eye on Brenda’s sharp wit.

Brenda Barattini, 26, is accused of using garden shears to chop off the manhood of a man known only as Sergio F, 40.

The motive behind the attack is currently unclear with his lawyer saying it happened during a sex game while her lawyer says it was because he attacked her.

Police and ambulance crews arrived at the scene shortly after with the man taken to hospital where he is said to still be in a ‘stable condition’. He was rushed to hospital where attempts to reattach his penis failed.

Sergio’s lawyer Eduardo Perez said Sergio F and Barattini had been seeing one another for several months adding: ‘They were in the middle of things. He wasn’t asleep. They began with a sexual game in which he was blindfolded.

There is a photo of the crime scene at the link, including the bloody garden shears. Guys, I would strongly advise you to avoid clicking the link.

Beverly Hills Flop

In my dozen years of blogging, I have never given the impression my department hired the best and brightest. I mean, they not only hired, but promoted me. That said, whatever failings my department has, our officers usually have good communication skills.

It appears that crime is so low in Detroit that police are left trying to arrest each other. On the East side of Detroit, the 12th Precinct sent in a team of special ops officers to pretend to be drug dealers. At the same time, the 11th Precinct sent in officers pretending to a drug buyers. The rest will long be the subject of law enforcement legend.

Sources say that both undercover teams pulled their guns in attempting to arrest the other and ordered the other team to drop to the ground. That is when the rest of the special ops team from the 12th Precinct showed up, and officers began raiding a house in the 19300 block of Andover. (H/T – Al Baxter)

Clusterf**k. Instead of investigating the officers – stupidity is not against the law – how about we investigate the brilliant supervisors who thought up this master plan?

Al Franken: “Not Fit To Serve In Senate?”

Earlier this week, Senate Majority Leader – and RINO jackass – Mitch McConnell stated Alabama Judge Roy Moore was “not fit to serve in the Senate.” McConnell based this statement on mere allegations from, admittedly, several women.

Yesterday, model/actress Leeann Tweeden launched an accusation against Senator Al Franken, and provided photographic evidence of sexual assault.

News anchor Leeann Tweeden accused Minnesota Sen. Al Franken Thursday of sexually harassing her multiple times during a USO entertainment tour in the Middle East in 2006.

Tweeden alleges that Franken, a writer for “Saturday Night Live” before he became a senator, wrote a script that featured him kissing her, and harassed her during rehearsals, Tweeden writes. When Tweeden returned from the tour, she noticed a photo from the tour where Franken has his hands on her breasts and is smiling into the camera.

“You knew exactly what you were doing. You forcibly kissed me without my consent, grabbed my breasts while I was sleeping and had someone take a photo of you doing it, knowing I would see it later, and be ashamed,” Tweeden wrote.

I’ve been a fan of Tweeden’s since she was on ESPN’s Fitness Beach workout show in the 90’s. She’s obviously crazy stupid hot, but she also does a lot for the troops with the USO and other ventures. The fact this despicable piece of flotsam placed his hands on her disgusts and angers me.

In my professional opinion, Al Franken has always been a pig. The man is a self-righteous asshole who believes the rules should not apply to him. Is Al Franken “fit to serve in the Senate, Mitch?” I’m anxiously awaiting your answer.