Put Another Simp On The Barbie

A group of idiots decided to swim inside a crocodile trap in Australia last week. Sadly, there were no crocs available to join them.

A group of men photographed swimming into a baited croc trap near the scene of a fatal attack in Queensland appear to be vying for the “idiots of the century award”, a local mayor has said.

Photos of the men swimming around and even climbing into the trap at the Port Douglas Marina have surfaced online, leaving the mayor of Douglas Shire, Julia Leu, stunned.

The pictures show the men frolicking in the water and sitting in the mouth of the trap at the marina, not far from where a 4.3m – 14 foot – croc took a 79-year-old woman with dementia, Anne Cameron.

If there was any justice, Anne Cameron would still be alive, and these assholes would be gator food.

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Former AG Lynch Spurns Congress

Former Attorney General and Obama lickspittle Loretta Lynch was ordered to meet with the House Intelligence Committee yesterday with regards to her infamous 2016 tarmac meeting with former president and perjurer Bill Clinton.

It may shock you to learn Lynch was less than cooperative.

Former President Obama’s Attorney General Loretta Lynch met behind closed doors with a congressional Russian election meddling probe on Friday.

Republicans were eager to question her about an infamous tarmac meeting with former President Bill Clinton in June 2016, a meeting which has triggered suspicions about the Obama Department of Justice’s impartiality toward Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton at the height of the election.

But Mrs. Lynch refused to discuss the meeting before the House Intelligence Committee on Friday, according to Fox News.

Okay then, now send Lynch a subpoena, swear her in, and force her to testify. There are tools at your disposal, congress; it’s high time you familiarize yourselves with them. Until that happens, the lawless criminals of the Obama administration will continue to treat you with contempt.

The Cake Is A Lie

A woman was arrested after entering a western Pennsylvania Walmart after being ordered to stay away. What could possibly possess someone to defy a lawful order at the rick of imprisonment? Cake!

A woman is charged with defiant trespass after entering a South Union Township, Fayette County Walmart store despite being given a no-trespassing order.

Stephanie Datsko, 34, faces a court hearing next month on the charge.

State police reported Datsko is quoted as saying she violated the no-trespassing order on October 4 because “the cake Walmart sells is too good to stay away.”

Walmart? Really? I’m not discounting Datsko’s claim, but I never heard someone rave about Walmart cake. Although I would absolutely risk a trip to federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison for a cake from Philadelphia’s renowned Stock’s Bakery.

WILSON!

This handsome devil is Christopher Wilson of Clifton Heights, Ohio. Like most red-blooded American males, he appreciates the company of a good woman. When that good woman turns him down, Wilson allegedly gets all Harvey Weinsteiny.

A Clifton Heights man was arraigned Monday for an alleged assault back in May. Christopher Wilson is charged with assault and sexual imposition.

Wilson punched and kicked a woman and tried to get her down on the ground on Wheeler Street on May 29. He’s then accused of groping the woman.

The woman was able to identify Wilson in a lineup. He has a 2-line forehead tattoo that reads in part, “I’m a pornstar”. (H/TAOSHQ)

He’s a pornstar? Damn, I realize the golden age of pr0n is long gone, but this assclown couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a handful of bananas.

American Traitor Pleads Guilty

Bowe Bergdahl, the despicable, traitorous coward who deserted his post, pleaded guilty yesterday to charges of desertion and misbehavior before the enemy.

Bergdahl, 31, is accused of endangering his comrades by abandoning his post without authorization. He told a general after his release from five years in enemy hands that he did it with the intention of reaching other commanders and drawing attention to what he saw as problems with his unit.

This indicates that they did not reach a deal to limit his punishment, and that he may be hoping for leniency from the judge, Army Col. Jeffery R. Nance. The misbehavior charge carries a maximum penalty of life in prison, while the desertion charge is punishable by up to five years. (H/TAOSHQ)

This piece of garbage, who claimed he was disillusioned with the war effort and ashamed to be an American, was lauded by the Obama administration after his release. Susan Rice claimed this pig “served with honor and distinction.” Barack Obama welcomed Bergdahl’s parents to the White House (above).

The search for Bergdahl reportedly cost the lives of six American servicemen, and the deal made to release this traitor resulted in the freeing of five Taliban terrorists. I sincerely hope the guilty plea was not part of some larger deal. Bowe Bergdahl should be placed before a firing squad, and it should be broadcast on national television.

Harvey Whore-Man

Infamous Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein has been accused of sexual harassment by dozens of alleged victims. In response, many Democrat fanboys and girls have distanced themselves from the pervert, with the exception of two notable politicians.

Many Democratic office holders were quick to repudiate disgraced Hollywood executive Harvey Weinstein following a bombshell report detailing decades of alleged sexual harassment.

But former Democratic Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, as well as former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — all of whom have longstanding ties to Weinstein, a major Democratic Party fundraiser — have not publicly addressed the accusations.

Representatives for the Clintons have not responded to comment for this story, and Obama’s office declined to comment.

Well, in fairness, the Obamas and Clintons already received their millions from Weinstein, so it would be rude to disavow him publicly.

Imagine CNN’s uproar if Weinstein was a huge Republican donor and President Trump refused to disavow him. It would be the top story on every media outlet on Earth. Weinstein is a huge Democrat donor, and it took days for most media outlets to even acknowledge the story, let alone report on it.

That Didn’t Pan Out So Well

While many men joke that a woman’s place is in the kitchen, it is the last place you want to find a woman scorned. Sadly, a New Jersey man learned this lesson the hard way.

A Camden woman is facing murder charges in the beating of her boyfriend last month.

It was Labor Day weekend when police in Woodlynne, Camden County were called to a convenience market on Mount Ephraim Avenue.

Jason Lewis, 35, was conscious, but bleeding from the head after he said he had been beaten by his girlfriend with a pair of frying pans, according to the Camden County Prosecutor. The woman, 31-year-old Maleia Cole, fled to her home about a block away. (H/TProof)

While I sincerely hope Cole receives the most severe sentence possible, I would also suggest this cold-hearted bitch is never assigned kitchen duty.

Bailey’s Irish Cream

Meet Bailey Puttkemery and Emily Scott.

Bailey and Emily (I’m assuming Emily is the female) are madly in lust, and neither take too kindly to The Man interrupting their hot, sweaty makeout sessions.

As detailed in a La Crosse Police Department report, Officer Westpfahl heard moaning emanating from a gold Pontiac Grand Am. The vehicle’s windows were “partially fogged” and it was “rocking back and forth.” The cop illuminated the car’s interior with his flashlight and “confirmed they were naked and engaging in sexual intercourse.”

Westpfahl then told the couple–later identified as Bailey Puttkemery, 21, and Emily Scott, 20–to cease copulating and get dressed. “At that point, I walked to the rear of the vehicle in order to give the two subjects some privacy while getting dressed.”

Puttkemery, apparently not happy to have been interrupted, replied, “No. I’m trying to fuck.”

Far be it for me to tell Officer Westpfahl how to to his job, but Puttkemery’s reply would have resulted in a nutsack tasering.

The cop then opened the car’s rear door and “again instructed the subjects to stop doing what they were doing and get dressed.” Puttkemery, who smelled of booze, then allegedly tried to shut the car door, telling the officer to go away.

Puttkemery finally stepped out of the Pontiac, naked, he became argumentative and accused Westpfahl of “cock blocking” him and “giving him blue balls.”

Luckily for Puttkemery, his balls were soon drained while spooning his large, African-American cellmate.

The Long Cut

Meet Irshad.

Irshad is a handsome eligible bachelor who, like Johnny Appleseed, enjoys spreading his goop around. Unlike Johnny Appleseed, poor Irshad had his tree chopped down by an irate mistress.

A woman chopped off her lover’s penis after allegedly finding out he was marrying another woman.

The man, named only as 26-year-old Irshad, met up with his lover, 30, for ‘one last time’ before he was due to get married to a woman of his parents’ choice.

But after finding out about the marriage, the furious woman reportedly cut off his genitals with a knife while at a guest house in Kattipuram, India Tuesday.

Dude, if you’re going to try to boink your side piece one last time, don’t tell her about your impending marriage until after the sploosh. Dumbass.

RELATED: Speaking of weiners, Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison yesterday.

Tainted Love

Officials in Monroe County, Pennsylvania are dealing with a sex scandal between the police department and the medical examiner’s office. Apparently, it was a case of interdepartmental cooperation.

Allegations about the Monroe County coroner’s office were laid out in recent court filings: Sex between a deputy coroner and a police officer at a death scene; an extramarital affair in the woods, carried out during working hours; and showing co-workers cellphone photos of a lover’s male genitalia.

The federal case filed Aug. 24 by former deputy coroner Lauren Fizz against the county, Allen, and his wife and top aide Kathleen “Traci” Allen said Traci Allen has essentially taken over the office, including decisions about hiring and firing. Traci Allen did not respond to a message seeking comment.

Fizz’s lawsuit said Traci Allen and an unnamed co-worker, described as “her deputy coroner paramour,” concocted a false story that Fizz “had had a sexual encounter with a police officer at a death scene in April 2016.”

That’s hot. In fairness, nothing makes a guy stiff like banging someone near a stiff.