When You’ve Lost The Easter Bunny…

An Illinois man who works part time as an Easter Bunny was arrested Thursday after he allegedly assaulted a police officer.

A man who works as the Easter Bunny at St. Clair Square Mall is accused of assaulting a Fairview Heights police officer Thursday night.

Police said the man assaulted the female officer and then ran through the mall around 7:00 p.m. Thursday. When officers caught up with him, they believed he was a threat and tased him to make an arrest.

The man, whose name was not released, was dressed in a bunny costume earlier that day. However, he was not wearing it during the altercation.

Eh, it would have been funnier if the man was still in the bunny suit… and throwing eggs at the officer.

This Woman Is Full Of Shite

A Utah woman who killed two cyclists has given investigators the worst defense of all time.

A woman accused of fatally crashing her car into two cyclists and then driving away claimed her irritable bowel syndrome caused the crash. The incident happened Saturday in Washington City.

Yeah, that time when I killed a hooker? It was because my hemorrhoids were acting up.

According to the police affidavit, the cyclists were brothers from California who were in Washington City competing in a race. An individual who saw the crash happen said the two were riding in the area of Coral Canyon Boulevard and Telegraph Street just before noon when a Hyundai Genesis swerved into the bike lane and hit them.

Police made contact with the suspect, Julie Ann Budge, 47, who told officers that she was taking multiple medications for several various medical issues, one of which was irritable bowel syndrome. The IBS has been causing her to “defecate on herself without warning,” she reported told police.

So Budge has obviously been dealing with this malady for years, and has never killed anyone before this incident. I mean, good luck with your b.s. alibi, but I sincerely doubt any rational juror will buy this crappy defense.

Carlos Isn’t Here, Man

Meet Carlos Ortiz, of Altoona, PA.

Carlos is obviously a people person, and he makes every effort to surround himself with other citizens… right before he begins assaulting them.

Carlos Ortiz, 47, allegedly went to Nic’s Grab N Go on 6th Avenue on March 27. He began to physically attack customers and struck numerous vehicles with plastic signs before striking someone with a sign. Witnesses told police he said he had a gun and threatened to shoot one of the victims.

When a female employee tried to get Ortiz to leave, he struck her with the sign and pushed her against a wall. He then chased after her when she tried to run back inside. Ortiz reportedly broke the mirror off of someone’s car before going inside the store where he hit the female employee and then punched a man in the face.

Wow, Carlos really doesn’t look like a guy who would assault people at random, amirite?

Police arrived to find Ortiz climbing a nearby fire escape. Ortiz threw a rock at officers before climbing onto the roof of the building. He then proceeded to throw a toilet off the roof along with a paint can and chimney cap directed at Altoona police.

The only question I have is this; did Carlos throw the toilet off the roof before or after he defecated in it?

Ain’t No Party Like A PA Party

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after he decided to go on a burglary spree last Thursday, stealing a cheesecake, a pot roast, and trying to burglarize an adult store.

A Montgomery Township man was arrested on two sets of charges Thursday morning after he allegedly broke into American Star Diner and stole food, then broke into Adult World before being scared away by an employee.

Robert Dugan, 38, has been charged with two counts of felony burglary, one count of felony criminal mischief, and misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and theft by unlawful taking, in connection with the incidents.

Now, I’m no detective, but I’d wager alcohol was involved.

Dugan was captured on surveillance at the American Star Diner on Welsh Road at 4:30 a.m. on March 31, where he broke the locking mechanism on the front door and forced his way inside, police said. Once inside, Dugan allegedly stole an entire cheesecake and half of a prime rib roast, then exited the diner through the broken front door.

Then, just after 6 a.m., a shirtless Dugan was captured on surveillance outside of Adult World on Dekalb Pike, where he was observed striking a message billboard with a bat, causing it to break, police said. Dugan then allegedly began striking windows of the business, before repeatedly striking the glass front door, causing it to shatter.

Look, I love cheesecake, but there had to be other options Dugan could steal. Like money, alcohol, etc. I swear to Vishnu, I think Pennsylvania it transforming into Florida.

Keep Away From Runaround Bijoux

Meet Beatrice Bijoux, a (former) lawyer from Florida.

Beatrice was having a bad day, so she decided she would run down four people in a local parking lot. You know, because “the voices in her head” told her to do so.

Beatrice Bijoux, 31, was charged with four counts of attempted murder after she allegedly mounted the sidewalk and struck the pedestrians outside a Fort Lauderdale grocery store back in February.

She told cops that “voices in her head had told her to kill the people,” according to an arrest report obtained by the Miami Herald. Bijoux, who was allegedly driving at about 35 mph, made no attempt to slow down during the attack, police said.

At one point, surveillance video showed her “reversing at a high rate of speed” before she allegedly tried to strike another pedestrian. (H/TMike AKA Proof)

Now, if I know my video games, Beatrice gets 100 points for striking a pedestrian, and if she strikes five pedestrians, she gets a free life. Not that she’ll ever be free from here on out…

Man Tries To Start A Tour De England

Hey, if any of you are missing a lost or stolen bicycle, I think I can help you find it. That is, if you want to fly out to Oxfordshire, England.

A man in Oxfordshire, England is currently being investigated about a pile of over 500 bicycles in his backyard, a stash so big it literally shows up on Google Earth.

A 54-year-old man was arrested earlier this month after people in his Oxfordshire neighborhood started complaining that his bicycle-filled backyard had become a breeding ground for rats. However, when authorities stopped by the man’s home, they expected to find a few bicycles, but nowhere near as many as 500 of them piled on top of each other. The heap of old bikes has apparently been growing at a steady pace for over 5 years, and it has now gotten so big that it can be seen on Google Earth satellite imagery.

One brave neighbor stood up to this clown, but it took countless complaints for the police to finally investigate. The man was arrested and the investigation is ongoing.

“I started reporting his festering collection of bikes four years ago, but it’s been going on for about five years,” 53-year-old Colleen Butler said. “I made the first report because the amount of bikes was just ridiculous. There must have been at least 500 of them. When I spoke to him he said they were going to be sent to Africa for needy kids but, as you can see, they never went to Africa.”

I mean, in his defense, he would need to rent out an ocean liner to send all those bicycles to Africa.

The Irish Eyes Were Not Smiling

Meet Brandy Jones of Dublin, California.

Brandy was on her way to her court appearance for stealing a vehicle, but this ultimate sexpot wanted to get there on time. So, Brandy decided to borrow a vehicle for the day.

A woman was scheduled to make a court appearance on Monday in Dublin after being arrested for stealing a car.

How did she get to said court appearance?

The 41-year-old woman identified as Brandy Jones used another stolen car to get to said court appearance, Dublin police announced on Wednesday.

Well done, Brandy. Perhaps you can steal a police car to drive yourself home when you’re released next time. Dumbass.

Boy Toy

Meet Joshua Millsap of Elyria, Ohio.

Joshua is a cocksure young man; someone who could be called a cockeyed optimist. So when he entered Cirilla’s adult toy store he knew exactly what he wanted. What he didn’t want was a meeting with the cops… or that haircut.

Cops responded Saturday morning to a panic alarm from a Cirilla’s store in Elyria, a city 30 miles west of Cleveland. Cirilla’s is a 60-store chain with outlets across the Midwest.

A store employee identified the shoplifting suspect as a white male male “carrying a large knife on his hip.”

Heh, that’s wasn’t a knife, if you know what I mean.

Upon arriving at the store, officers spotted Joshua Millsap, 28, exiting Cirilla’s and entering the passenger side of a Ford sedan parked outside. When confronted by police, Millsap reportedly admitted stealing merchandise from the store.

After cops recovered some of the sex toys from the vicinity of the car’s passenger seat, a Cirilla’s clerk advised that other items were still missing. Millsap then reportedly copped to cutting “a slit in his jacket” and concealing other sex toys inside the garment.

The good news is Joshua is going to a place where sex toys are not only appropriate, but encouraged!

By the way, I so wanted to make a “slit” joke, but I don’t want to lose any readers.

P.S.I’m scheduled for the pistol range today, so I may not be able to respond to comments much.

Come With Me If You Want To Live

Meet Sarah Connors of Bloomfield, New Jersey.

Sarah, um, “quarantined” herself in Louisiana for a spell, and when she was, um, “released,” she decided to go back to her roots. Stealing cars.

A New Jersey woman faces more charges after police say she stole a car less than an hour after being released from the St. Tammany Parish Correctional Center.

Where is a Terminator when you need him?

“At approximately 4:45 p.m. Monday, the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff’s Office was contacted about a red Chevy Camaro, which had been stolen after it was left running outside a fast-food restaurant near the intersection of US Highway 190 and Louisiana Highway 25 in Covington,” said the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies found the stolen Camaro heading southbound on U.S. 190 near Holiday Boulevard and gave chase. Police say the driver did not stop and sideswiped another car before deputies found the car crashed off the Fairway Drive exit.

The driver, 27-year-old Sarah Connors of Bloomfield New Jersey, sustained serious injuries in the crash and was transported by emergency medical personnel to a local area hospital.

Once again, we can confirm Jersey drivers are some of the worst in the country.

Oh, and before you ask, sure, Sarah is definitely bangable.

A True Humanitarian

Meet Donald Ray Walker of Fori-Duh.

Donald is a big man with a big heart. That is, when he isn’t beating the living daylights out of elderly men.

Winter Haven police identified a man Monday wanted in connection with a vicious attack on a 73-year-old that was captured on video over the weekend.

In a Facebook post, police said authorities are searching for Donald Ray Walker, 43, of Indian Lake Estates, an unincorporated community in Polk County.

Donald is probably so angry because he’s bald.

According to police, a warrant has been issued for Walker, who they say was caught on video Saturday “pummeling” the man, who was walking out of the Publix at Southeast Plaza along Cypress Gardens Boulevard.

Police said Walker sped by the man in a pewter-colored Ford F-250, and the man yelled to the driver. An argument ensued, and the truck drove away. Police said the driver of the truck, later identified as Walker, got out and punched the man repeatedly. Walker also smashed the man’s cellphone on the ground, preventing him from calling for help.

One wonders if Donald has ever fought someone his age, since this pussy only fights octogenarians.