Things Did Not Go Swimmingly

Meet Michael Daniels. Michael is a lifeguard for the city of Philadelphia, but he’s now more concerned with saving his own hide.

A former lifeguard supervisor at the John B. Kelly Pool has been charged with indecently touching a 16-year-old girl who worked as a lifeguard there.

Michael Daniels, 35, of Delancey Street, in West Philadelphia, was arrested on charges of indecent assault, unlawful contact, and corruption of a minor.

Daniels began working as a seasonal employee for the city’s Parks & Recreation Department in June 2013, spokesperson Capt. Sekou Kinebrew said. Daniels, who was the girl’s supervisor, is accused of touching her without her consent several times from mid-July until she reported the alleged assaults Aug. 22.

The unlawful touching allegedly occurred on the pool grounds at 4231 Lansdowne.

The charges are despicable, but that’s not why I posted the story. I posted it because the pool is three hundred yards from Philadelphia’s Please Touch Museum. True story!

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“I Just Had It Stuffed”

Living in the Great Northwest is similar to living in the Arizona desert. The surroundings are beautiful, but you need to remember you share the countryside with all types of critters.

While you may need to make friends with your four-legged friends, you probably should not become intimate.

Richard Delp, 35, was taken into custody on Monday night not long after the alleged incident in Columbia Park.

A witness said she saw the beaver get nailed by a vehicle, and was on her way back to the scene with a container to put it in.

When she got back 30 minutes later, Delp was on top of the mortally wounded critter — pants unzipped with a pocket full of meth.

Okay, a few questions:

1. Was Dude-Bro just walking the streets – like Caine from Kung Fu – waiting for his next conquest to be run over?
2. Considering the speed in which he, um, inserted, was Delp acutely aware of a beaver’s erogenous zones?
3. Has Mr. Delp ever banged anyone who wasn’t already critically wounded?
4. Did Delp buy the beaver dinner first, or was the beaver dinner afterward?

Inquiring minds want to know.

By the way, the meth was actually for the beaver, to put it in the proper mood.

Ancient Chinese Secrets

While the leftist media continues to persist with the nonsensical Trump-Russia collusion farce, a report broke today claiming China had complete and unfettered access to Hillary Clinton’s email server.

A Chinese-owned company operating in the Washington, D.C., area hacked Hillary Clinton’s private server throughout her term as secretary of state and obtained nearly all her emails, two sources briefed on the matter told The Daily Caller News Foundation.

The Chinese firm obtained Clinton’s emails in real time as she sent and received communications and documents through her personal server, according to the sources, who said the hacking was conducted as part of an intelligence operation.

The Chinese wrote code that was embedded in the server, which was kept in Clinton’s residence in upstate New York. The code generated an instant “courtesy copy” for nearly all of her emails and forwarded them to the Chinese company.

How many of Clinton’s crime stories need to be published before Jeff Sessions and the Department of Justice investigate these matters? Don’t answer yet, since it’s a rhetorical question. It’s infuriating how many crimes this family has committed with no repercussions while Robert Mueller is convicting Trump associates for process crimes.

Mad Maxine

Meet Maxine Feldstein and Nicholas Lowe. Maxine always wanted to play cops and robbers, and recently she was able to try both sides of the coin.

Maxine Feldstein’s boyfriend, Nicholas Lowe, was at the Washington County Detention Center on July 27 with a hold for criminal impersonation out of Ventura, California.

Feldstein, who had bonded out that day, called Washington County jail staff and identified herself as deputy “L. Kershaw” with the Ventura County Sheriff’s Office. She also provided a forged VCSO document releasing the agency’s hold on Lowe.

Jail staff learned of the forgery and accidental release two days later, when a VCSO deputy called to say he was on his way to pick up Lowe.

Wow, Maxine is both ingenious and ballsy. And yes, I would probably hit it like the side of a tree on the forest moon of Endor.

Strike Three, You’re Out

Prisoners across America are planning a hunger strike and work stoppage for three weeks to bring attention to prison conditions. Apparently, the prisoners believe they’re the NFL.

Prison inmates across the country are preparing to go on strike by refusing to eat or work, as a way to protest what they call ‘prison slavery’ and poor conditions.

Though the extent of the planned strike is not known, prisoners in at least 17 states say they will be taking part in coordinated action, which will begin on Tuesday and last through September 9.

Like I give a f**k if prisoners stop eating. The big question is how long am I going to have to wait for my damned license plates?

The masterminds of the strike have issued a list of 10 ‘demands’, including an improvement of prison conditions, an end to life imprisonment, and an end to low-paid jobs behind bars.

Shut the f**k up, convict. You’re in prison, not at Job Corps.

Currently, hundreds of thousands of inmates work behind bars, in jobs ranging from GED tutors to custodial and other work that helps prisons run. The average pay runs about 20 cents an hour.

Now, prisoner advocates say that the low-paid work amounts to ‘slavery’ and demanding that taxpayers pay inmates higher wages for their work behind bars.

I agree. Thee solution is cutting off work – and pay – for every convict, effective immediately.

The Blow Me State

Meet Denise Marie Woodrum of Missouri.

Denise is looking for love in all the wrong places, so instead of hustling through the dating scene, she went where everyone finds true love: teh innernetz.

An American woman who smuggled 1kg of cocaine into Australia by hiding the drugs in her high heels was lured to the country by a man she met online, her lawyer claims.

While making her way through customs, the 51-year-old was stopped by officers who promptly discovered just over 1kg of pure cocaine in her luggage.

The Missouri woman lived alone, had health complications and a marriage breakdown before she struck up an ‘intimate relationship’ with a man named Hendrik Cornelius, whom she met online.

Wait, was Hendrick Cornelius the host of Soul Train, or the main orangutan in Planet of the Apes?

In fairness, most Australians probably believe Missouri is the Bogotá of the United States. That said, judging from her photo, Denise definitely isn’t selling cocaine… or using it – too chunky.

Don’t Mess With Texas (Grandmoms)

A grandmother issued Texas justice on a masturbating cyclist this week. Wow, that’s a phrase I never thought I’d type… about someone else.

A woman opened fired on a masturbating man trying to break into her southeast Houston home Tuesday afternoon, police said.

The woman, in her sixties, was taking out her trash when she spotted the man – riding his bike – masturbating, according to Houston Police Department Lt. Larry Crowson. She yelled at him to stop the lewd act but he persisted.

Just like Elizabeth Warren.

The man eventually followed the woman to her front door after she went inside and allegedly tried to break in. The woman ordered the man to go away and even told him she had a gun.

When the man refused to stop, she fired one round through her front door, striking the man in his chest. He immediately ran back to his bike and managed to pedal a few feet away from the house before collapsing.

Sadly, this thing is expected to survive, but his masturbating days are probably over.

In Soviet Russia, Brush Cleans You!

A Russian man met his end after slipping in his bathroom and being impaled by a toilet brush. The Ty-D-Bol Man has been held for questioning.

A Russian man was killed after slipping in his bathroom and getting the handle of a toilet brush wedged in his skull through his eye socket.

The 60-year-old was taken to a hospital near the Russian capital Moscow with the blood-soaked brush still jammed in his head.

Surgeons had to ‘open the man’s skull’ in an attempt to remove the handle which was embedded in his head through his right eye. But his condition deteriorated and he died days later.

Yikes. In a few months we’ll find out the man was a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin, and insulted him days before the “accident.”

Tongs For The Business

Meet David Garcia-Gonzalez of Austin, Texas. David enjoys his cervezas, and a hard night of bending elbows makes a man hungry. So David went to the best burger place he could find, and well, read on…

After reviewing surveillance video, authorities say 44-year-old David Garcia-Gonzalez, who had difficulty maintaining balance while walking, approached a Whataburger at 2305 Burleson Road.

After loitering in the business for a while, he reportedly grabbed a pair of metal tongs and walked up to an employee who had opened the register.

The suspect approached her from behind and started jabbing her with the tongs while repeatedly demanding money.

If David had any sense, he would have used the tongs to pinch the cashier’s boobs and butt. At least that would have caught her attention. This story has a sad ending, however; not only was David arrested, but he didn’t even have the opportunity to enjoy Whataburger’s delicious fare.

Happily Ever Afterlife

Meet Jacqueline Souza. Jacqueline was excited for her upcoming nuptials to Brandon Watkins (right); so excited, in fact, she decided to stab him to death.

The Gazette reports 31-year-old Jacqueline Souza was arrested on suspicion of second-degree murder Saturday in the death of 33-year-old Brandon Watkins.

According to court documents, Souza called 911, and police found Watkins “unresponsive and bloody.” A steak knife was found near his body.

Souza told police they began fighting because Watkins wanted to invite a woman to the wedding, whom she believed to be his ex-lover.

Brandon’s request was not entirely tactful; that said, he obviously loved Jacqueline, and we’re talking about an ex-girlfriend here. Stabbing someone to death over a guest list is not exactly a rational act.