Philadelphia Is A Garbage City

The city of Philadelphia – arguably the worst city in America – can place another feather in its cap, after one of the city’s thugs stole a vehicle… with a nuclear gauge inside. The vehicle was eventually recovered, but the gauge has not been found.

The search is on for a nuclear gauge containing sealed radioactive material after it disappeared from a vehicle stolen in Philadelphia, according to the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection.

The gauge belonged to KAKS and Company, a Montgomery County-based construction site and soil testing business, and was not inside the stolen vehicle when the vehicle was found. It is not clear when or where the gauge and vehicle were stolen. A message left for Philadelphia police was not returned.

Of course the call was not returned, because the Philadelphia Police Department couldn’t care less.

“It is critical for anyone who has information about the lost nuclear gauge to contact local authorities or DEP,” DEP Bureau of Radiation Protection Director David Allard said. “As long as the device is not tampered with or damaged, it presents no hazard to public safety.”

I imagine the thug who stole this gauge is smashing it with a rock as we speak. Here’s hoping he thinks the green liquid is Mountain Dew and drinks it all.

Placing The Bow On The Package

Nevada state troopers had their hands full last week, when a crazed motorist rammed the rear-end of a motorcycle, knocking the cyclist onto the road and continued driving… with the motorcycle dragging behind the vehicle.

According to state police, troopers responded to southbound U.S. 95 near Sunset Road for a crash involving a motorcyclist around 6:45 p.m., April 8.

Witnesses who pulled over to render aid to the motorcyclist told troopers that a man driving recklessly and struck the rear-end of the motorcycle. The Acura continued southbound dragging the motorcycle underneath the car.

That’s not even the most bizarre detail of this story…

Witnesses told troopers that the man driving the Acura ran from the car, and was armed with a bow and arrow, and was shooting the arrows at passing vehicles.

Wow, those Dungeons and Dragons players really take the game seriously.

Troopers, along with Henderson police located the man driving the Acura and placed him into custody without incident. The driver of Acura was identified as Ronnie Macias.

The good news is Macias looks exactly what you’d expect from a man shooting arrows at vehicles.

Sonic, America’s Survive-Thru

Meet Stacy Minihan of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Stacy stopped by the local Sonic Drive-In for some grub, and when she did not receive her order in a timely fashion, she responded by peppering her carhop.

Tulsa police responded to a Sonic near 61st and Lewis at 10 p.m. Friday night and began interviewing witnesses about the incident.

They learned that the suspect, Stacy Minihan became upset at her carhop after her order was delivered because it took too long. Police say the carhop tried explaining the restaurant was short-staffed, but Minihan slapped the tray out of the carhop’s hand and then punched the carhop in the chest.

Well, she just forfeited her free sundae.

Minihan began fleeing the scene in her car, and a witness of the incident followed her to get a license plate number.

Police say Minihan pulled her car over, got out, and began firing peppering balls from a Kimber Pepperblaster pepper ball gun. The witness was hit multiple times in the face and was bleeding from the head.

In fairness, Minihan assumed the Sonic wouldn’t give her enough pepper on her burger, so she brought her own, just in case.

When You’ve Lost The Easter Bunny…

An Illinois man who works part time as an Easter Bunny was arrested Thursday after he allegedly assaulted a police officer.

A man who works as the Easter Bunny at St. Clair Square Mall is accused of assaulting a Fairview Heights police officer Thursday night.

Police said the man assaulted the female officer and then ran through the mall around 7:00 p.m. Thursday. When officers caught up with him, they believed he was a threat and tased him to make an arrest.

The man, whose name was not released, was dressed in a bunny costume earlier that day. However, he was not wearing it during the altercation.

Eh, it would have been funnier if the man was still in the bunny suit… and throwing eggs at the officer.

This Woman Is Full Of Shite

A Utah woman who killed two cyclists has given investigators the worst defense of all time.

A woman accused of fatally crashing her car into two cyclists and then driving away claimed her irritable bowel syndrome caused the crash. The incident happened Saturday in Washington City.

Yeah, that time when I killed a hooker? It was because my hemorrhoids were acting up.

According to the police affidavit, the cyclists were brothers from California who were in Washington City competing in a race. An individual who saw the crash happen said the two were riding in the area of Coral Canyon Boulevard and Telegraph Street just before noon when a Hyundai Genesis swerved into the bike lane and hit them.

Police made contact with the suspect, Julie Ann Budge, 47, who told officers that she was taking multiple medications for several various medical issues, one of which was irritable bowel syndrome. The IBS has been causing her to “defecate on herself without warning,” she reported told police.

So Budge has obviously been dealing with this malady for years, and has never killed anyone before this incident. I mean, good luck with your b.s. alibi, but I sincerely doubt any rational juror will buy this crappy defense.

Carlos Isn’t Here, Man

Meet Carlos Ortiz, of Altoona, PA.

Carlos is obviously a people person, and he makes every effort to surround himself with other citizens… right before he begins assaulting them.

Carlos Ortiz, 47, allegedly went to Nic’s Grab N Go on 6th Avenue on March 27. He began to physically attack customers and struck numerous vehicles with plastic signs before striking someone with a sign. Witnesses told police he said he had a gun and threatened to shoot one of the victims.

When a female employee tried to get Ortiz to leave, he struck her with the sign and pushed her against a wall. He then chased after her when she tried to run back inside. Ortiz reportedly broke the mirror off of someone’s car before going inside the store where he hit the female employee and then punched a man in the face.

Wow, Carlos really doesn’t look like a guy who would assault people at random, amirite?

Police arrived to find Ortiz climbing a nearby fire escape. Ortiz threw a rock at officers before climbing onto the roof of the building. He then proceeded to throw a toilet off the roof along with a paint can and chimney cap directed at Altoona police.

The only question I have is this; did Carlos throw the toilet off the roof before or after he defecated in it?

Ain’t No Party Like A PA Party

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after he decided to go on a burglary spree last Thursday, stealing a cheesecake, a pot roast, and trying to burglarize an adult store.

A Montgomery Township man was arrested on two sets of charges Thursday morning after he allegedly broke into American Star Diner and stole food, then broke into Adult World before being scared away by an employee.

Robert Dugan, 38, has been charged with two counts of felony burglary, one count of felony criminal mischief, and misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and theft by unlawful taking, in connection with the incidents.

Now, I’m no detective, but I’d wager alcohol was involved.

Dugan was captured on surveillance at the American Star Diner on Welsh Road at 4:30 a.m. on March 31, where he broke the locking mechanism on the front door and forced his way inside, police said. Once inside, Dugan allegedly stole an entire cheesecake and half of a prime rib roast, then exited the diner through the broken front door.

Then, just after 6 a.m., a shirtless Dugan was captured on surveillance outside of Adult World on Dekalb Pike, where he was observed striking a message billboard with a bat, causing it to break, police said. Dugan then allegedly began striking windows of the business, before repeatedly striking the glass front door, causing it to shatter.

Look, I love cheesecake, but there had to be other options Dugan could steal. Like money, alcohol, etc. I swear to Vishnu, I think Pennsylvania it transforming into Florida.

Keep Away From Runaround Bijoux

Meet Beatrice Bijoux, a (former) lawyer from Florida.

Beatrice was having a bad day, so she decided she would run down four people in a local parking lot. You know, because “the voices in her head” told her to do so.

Beatrice Bijoux, 31, was charged with four counts of attempted murder after she allegedly mounted the sidewalk and struck the pedestrians outside a Fort Lauderdale grocery store back in February.

She told cops that “voices in her head had told her to kill the people,” according to an arrest report obtained by the Miami Herald. Bijoux, who was allegedly driving at about 35 mph, made no attempt to slow down during the attack, police said.

At one point, surveillance video showed her “reversing at a high rate of speed” before she allegedly tried to strike another pedestrian. (H/TMike AKA Proof)

Now, if I know my video games, Beatrice gets 100 points for striking a pedestrian, and if she strikes five pedestrians, she gets a free life. Not that she’ll ever be free from here on out…

Man Tries To Start A Tour De England

Hey, if any of you are missing a lost or stolen bicycle, I think I can help you find it. That is, if you want to fly out to Oxfordshire, England.

A man in Oxfordshire, England is currently being investigated about a pile of over 500 bicycles in his backyard, a stash so big it literally shows up on Google Earth.

A 54-year-old man was arrested earlier this month after people in his Oxfordshire neighborhood started complaining that his bicycle-filled backyard had become a breeding ground for rats. However, when authorities stopped by the man’s home, they expected to find a few bicycles, but nowhere near as many as 500 of them piled on top of each other. The heap of old bikes has apparently been growing at a steady pace for over 5 years, and it has now gotten so big that it can be seen on Google Earth satellite imagery.

One brave neighbor stood up to this clown, but it took countless complaints for the police to finally investigate. The man was arrested and the investigation is ongoing.

“I started reporting his festering collection of bikes four years ago, but it’s been going on for about five years,” 53-year-old Colleen Butler said. “I made the first report because the amount of bikes was just ridiculous. There must have been at least 500 of them. When I spoke to him he said they were going to be sent to Africa for needy kids but, as you can see, they never went to Africa.”

I mean, in his defense, he would need to rent out an ocean liner to send all those bicycles to Africa.

The Irish Eyes Were Not Smiling

Meet Brandy Jones of Dublin, California.

Brandy was on her way to her court appearance for stealing a vehicle, but this ultimate sexpot wanted to get there on time. So, Brandy decided to borrow a vehicle for the day.

A woman was scheduled to make a court appearance on Monday in Dublin after being arrested for stealing a car.

How did she get to said court appearance?

The 41-year-old woman identified as Brandy Jones used another stolen car to get to said court appearance, Dublin police announced on Wednesday.

Well done, Brandy. Perhaps you can steal a police car to drive yourself home when you’re released next time. Dumbass.