You Better Run

Pittsburgh’s Parkway West was shut down for two hours after a man tried to sprint across six lanes to catch his Uber ride.

Part of the inbound Parkway West was shut down for hours Friday afternoon following a crash that killed a pedestrian near the Fort Pitt Tunnel.

Pennsylvania State Police confirmed a 32-year-old man who was crossing the westbound lanes into the eastbound lanes was struck by a vehicle and killed.

Police said the man was attempting to cross six lanes of traffic to get to an Uber vehicle that was waiting for him. He was struck by a vehicle in the center lane.

Couldn’t the man just call the Uber driver and ask him to pick him up?

State police said the driver of that vehicle stayed at the scene and is cooperating with the investigation.

While the man’s death is horrible, the good news is he almost beat the high score for Frogger!

Thanks For Nothing, Fauci

A Maryland driver was rushed to the hospital after the vehicle burst into flames when the driver used hand sanitizer while smoking. Hmm, I guess hand sanitizer isn’t always a good idea, eh, Fauci?

A car burst into flames Thursday after a Maryland motorist unwisely used hand sanitizer while smoking. A harrowing video taken from a news chopper shows the vehicle smoldering in a parking lot as firefighters rush to douse the blaze.

According to official reports, the unnamed driver was smoking a cigarette and then started using the germ-killing elixir, which ignited and set the whole car aflame like an impromptu Molotov cocktail.

Who could have guessed alcohol fumes would ignite near a flame?

That might be due to the fact that hand sanitizers contain a large amount of alcohol — around 60% ethanol or 70% isopropanol, which makes the personal hygiene product highly flammable.

Fortunately, the motorist was immediately transported to the hospital, where he was treated for minor burns and other non-life-threatening injuries. The vehicle, on the other hand, was torched beyond repair.

The good news is the driver will be back smoking at gas pumps any day now.

Let Baygons Be Bygones

Meet Ki Galang Pamungkas, an Indonesian internet celebrity who liked to abuse his body… but not in the fun way. You see, Pamungkas had a habit of spraying insecticide into his mouth for comments and likes. You already know the rest of the story.

The family of I Wayan Merta, who is also known as Ki Galang Pamungkas, have confirmed his death was unrelated to the dangerous stunt.

A video of a topless Ki Galang, fearlessly spraying Baygon insecticide into his mouth went viral thanks to his seemingly care-free demeanour.

Ignoring the potency of Baygon which is designed to kill every critter from cockroaches to ants, the guru from Bali, Indonesia happily swayed to music, sitting cross-legged, while taking it to the face.

Don’t fret, though; Pamungkas’ brother claimed he did not die from the insecticide…

Saputra told local media outlets: “As his brother, I am dismissing [rumors] that Ki Galang died because of insecticide. He died because of a heart attack.

Hmm, I’m no detective, but do you think the heart attack had anything to do with spraying bug spray into his word hole? No chance of causation here?

Everyone Be Cool, This Is A Robbery!

Tennessee is still on my retirement list, even though parts of the state are very violent. That comes with every state, obviously, but other states don’t have dullards posting dangerous videos for YouTube.

Take Timothy Wilks, for example.

One person was killed in a shooting in Old Hickory near the Hermitage line Friday night.

Police say 20-year-old Timothy Wilks was shot and killed in the parking lot of Urban Air on Old Hickory Boulevard.

Wait, it gets better…

Detectives were told that Wilks and a friend were participating in a “prank” robbery as part of a YouTube video and approached a group of people, including the shooter, with butcher knives.

A 23-year-old man told police he shot Wilks and wasn’t aware the robbery was a “prank.” He says it was self-defense.

No charges were filed for the shooter, obviously, and the world has lost another dimwit.

Paging Snidely Whiplash

Every time I lament the death of America, I always remind myself, “Hey, at least I don’t live in England.” Two bints from Sussex decided to take photos of themselves on railroad tracks, because of course they did.

Shocking footage has captured two “unthinkably stupid” women lying on a railway track for photographs.

The video, taken at a level crossing in Tide Mills, Sussex, shows two women walking onto the tracks before stopping in the middle. They check up and down the line to see if any trains are approaching before one in a grey jacket takes the idiotic decision to lie right in the middle of them.

The other then takes photos before her friend jumps up and the pair scurry off the crossing.

Obviously relatives of our illegitimate president.

British Transport Police Inspector Jonathan Pine said: “This is unthinkably stupid behaviour by two women clearly oblivious to the dangers of level crossings.

“Trains pass through this line at speeds of up to 70mph, so they could quite easily have been moments away from a catastrophic incident.”

That said, the video at the link would have been much more exciting… and gory.

Chernobyl Rising

My neighborhood is very culturally diverse. We have people from all corners of the world, and many of them are from Ukraine. So when I see this story, I wonder how the citizens of Ukraine are infinitely more idiotic than my neighbors.

A Ukrainian dredging company, Sobi, is doing construction work in the Chernobyl area that some experts warn could cause more people to get sick and spread radioactive waste.

Specifically, Sobi has been dredging the Pripyat, a river that runs past the Chernobyl reactor, in order to create an inland shipping route, according to The Guardian. Groups that attempt to protect the public from nuclear radiation, such as the International Atomic Energy Agency, have warned that the dredging could cause radioactive sludge from the 1986 disaster to leach into the drinking water consumed by 8 million Ukrainians. Other NGOs, including the World Wildlife Fund and BirdLife, have accused the Ukrainian government of breaking the law by allowing the dredging despite not performing an environmental impact statement, which is mandated by Ukrainian regulations.

Despite these concerns, Sobi has continued with its work since July.

Look, I understand Ukraine has been as corrupt – or more so – than Russia has recently, but dredging the Pripyat would poison their own water supply. I mean, most men there will likely die from liver failure before they’re forty, but at least give the women a chance. Morons.

Wow, That’s A Killa Paint Job

Imagine you live in St. Louis – a scary proposition, I know – and you’re just hanging out with your friend and riding around in her car. Pretty sweet evening… until you stick your head out the sunroof.

A 17-year-old died after hitting his head on a beam or falling out of the car in a downtown St. Louis parking garage while hanging out of the sunroof.

The incident happened just Saturday in a garage in the 1000 block of Spruce. The teen was inside a white SUV that was being driven by an 18-year-old woman. A 14-year-old girl, the 17-year-old and a 26-year-old man were hanging out of the sunroof when the incident occurred.

The driver then sped from the scene, leaving the victims behind.

Luckily, St. Louis has a penchant for releasing shooters, rioters, and all sorts of detritus for even the most egregious crimes. So buck up little camper; you’ll be free as a bird soon.

Don’t Look, Up In The Sky!

If you’re going to vote in the November election, make sure you get to the polls early. Apparently, an asteroid will be passing by sometime on November 2, the day before Election II: Trump Boogaloo.

An asteroid discovered in 2018 will fly very close to Earth on Nov. 2 according to The Center for Near Earth Objects Studies at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

Astronomers spotted the object from Palomar Observatory in San Diego County in 2018 followed by a 13 day observation arc and has not been detected since.

Asteroid 2018VP1 is currently projected to come close to Earth sometime during the day before the 2020 presidential election on Nov. 3, according to NASA.

The asteroid will likely come as close to between 4,700 miles and 260,000 miles of Earth.

There’s very little chance the asteroid will penetrate our atmosphere, but if Biden wins, maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll crash right in the middle of Washington, D.C.

An Explosive Development

A Washington, D.C. man was killed after he decided to place bottle rockets on his head and lit them during an Independence Day celebration.

Metropolitan Police released details Sunday afternoon about a man who died in a fireworks accident in Northwest Washington Friday night.

Investigators have identified the victim as 33-year-old Jose Tony Alvarez Umanzor of Northwest. Umanzor was holding a commercially made mortar firework above his head when the base of the object ejected downward after it was ignited.

Idiot, everyone knows you never launch fireworks off your skull without first placing flex tape on your melon. I mean, Phil Swift cut that boat in half and was cruiing on a lake minutes later!

Forrest Jump

A New York man jumped out of a skydiving plane while wearing a parachute, and apparently fell to his death without wearing one.

A New York City man who was killed in a skydiving incident on Sunday was not wearing his parachute when he hit the ground, State Police said.

The victim, identified as William McCartin, 40, boarded a plane at “Skydive the Ranch” in Gardiner. He jumped out along with another skydiver at approximately 14,000 feet.

The witness told police McCartin jumped from the plane while wearing a parachute. He hit the ground in the parking lot of the Gardiner Fire Department on State Route 44/55 in Gardiner where he died from his injuries.

Since I don’t believe parachutes are itchy, my educated guess is William wanted to self-delete, and took the parachute off mid-flight.