Thug Gets His Just Desserts

A Sacramento, California criminal spent part of his Monday evening stealing a catalytic converter. While the thug did not get the converter, he did get a ticket to ride, in a sense.

A man died Monday after he was run over by a car he was trying to steal a catalytic converter from in Sacramento, California, authorities said.

Officers responded around 4:45 a.m. to reports of a collision between a vehicle and a pedestrian in the 8100 block of Timberlake Way.

Police said that officers arrived at the scene and found the man with serious injuries. He was rushed to a hospital and was pronounced dead.

Aww, that’s a shame. He was just turning his life around.

The man was identified as 28-year-old Jose Adolfo Rangel, the Sacramento Bee reported, citing the Sacramento County Coroner’s Office.

While Rangel will never vote in person again, he will vote Democrat for years to come.

The Yellow Throes Of Texas

A man staying in Houston’s St. Regis Hotel suffered an “accident” while unpacking his luggage. The irony here is the man will no longer be “packing.”

A man at an upscale Galleria-area hotel was hospitalized early Saturday after he accidentally shot himself in the testicles, police said.

Police and paramedics responded to the shooting at the St. Regis Houston hotel around 11:30 p.m. Friday. Police said the man was either unpacking a gun or pulling it from his pants when it went off.

This can not be said enough: guns do not go off on their own. Sure, there is the one in a million change of a discharge, but 99.5% of the time, the gun “goes off” because the victim’s finger was on the trigger.

Police described the victim as a young man but didn’t have information on his age. Paramedics took him to a hospital, where he was listed in serious but stable condition.

Well, if there is a silver lining her, it’s that this dope will never procreate.

Darwin Giggled

This may be shocking to you, but another rapper was murdered on Friday while walking the very safe streets of Houston, Texas. “Snootie Wild” – I cannot believe I typed that ridiculous name – was shot to death early Friday.

Police said when officers arrived on the scene, they found LePreston Porter, also known by the stage name Snootie Wild, in a ditch suffering from gunshot wounds to the neck and head.

Now before you weep for this chaste, churchgoing man, read the next paragraph.

During the investigation, authorities said a woman came forward and stated her vehicle had gotten stuck in a ditch and several unknown people came to help her. At that point, she said that Porter walked up to her and pointed a gun at her.

Police said the woman stated as she fled the scene, she heard gunshots but was not aware that Porter had been shot.

Wow, what a terrible loss… to his drug dealers and straw purchasers.

A True Feel Good Story

Like many blue cities, Philadelphia is suffering through daily catalytic converter thefts. The thefts have become a national pandemic, with hundreds of converters stolen every single day. So this story truly warmed my heart, after a Seattle criminal died while trying to steal a catalytic converter.

A 35-year-old man who was found dead underneath a car Saturday morning in Seattle was believed to have been attempting to steal its catalytic converter.

Seattle police said at about 6:55 a.m., someone called 911 to report a car had fallen onto a man in the 6100 block of Fourth Avenue South. The caller told dispatchers he believed the man was trying to steal the car’s catalytic converter.

That. Is. Hilarious! I’d like to think this would be a lesson to the thugs, but they’re too stupid to learn.

The Saw Films Were Just Movies, Idiots!

The dictatorship which used to be the free state of Australia just seems to get worse and worse. A Queensland man has been arrested for murder after he used a circular saw to “amputate” a man’s leg.

The amputation was part of a joint agreement to cut off the victim’s leg… in the middle of a park. Crikey!

Police will allege the two men, who were known to each other, drove together to Fitzgerald Park in Innisfail and sat under a tree at 3.48am on Saturday.

About 20 minutes later, the men’s alleged “arrangement” turned grisly. Police say a 36-year-old man used a circular saw to cut off a 66-year-old Innisfail man’s leg below the knee.

The younger man helped the older man back to a car before he fled the scene on foot after allegedly using the older man’s own saw to carry out the botched amputation.

Now I’m no detective, but I am assuming the offender was not the valedictorian of Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. I mean, at least bring a belt to use as a tourniquet so the man doesn’t bleed out.

What A Pisser

An unidentified New Yorker was urinating in Times Square when he accidentally shot himself in the leg. Maybe he should have been holding onto his dingus instead of his firearm?

A man shot himself in the leg while urinating in Times Square early Monday afternoon.

“Monday afternoon.” So this jackass was urinating on the street, in front of hundreds of people going about their day. My word, New York City really collapsed faster than I would have imagined.

The man who misfired, a 39-year-old from Brooklyn, took a bullet to his right leg at the corner of West 40th Street and Seventh Avenue around 12:25 p.m., sending him stumbling into the corridor of the train subway stop there, police said.

He was taken to Bellevue Hospital, where sources said he is conscious, alert and likely to survive.

In a normal, polite society, this man would have his permit revoked – if he has one – and never be allowed to own a firearm again. Sadly, the country isn’t like it used to be, so he’ll probably get off with a small fine.

Sorry Darwin, I thought this one was going to win the award.

You Better Run

Pittsburgh’s Parkway West was shut down for two hours after a man tried to sprint across six lanes to catch his Uber ride.

Part of the inbound Parkway West was shut down for hours Friday afternoon following a crash that killed a pedestrian near the Fort Pitt Tunnel.

Pennsylvania State Police confirmed a 32-year-old man who was crossing the westbound lanes into the eastbound lanes was struck by a vehicle and killed.

Police said the man was attempting to cross six lanes of traffic to get to an Uber vehicle that was waiting for him. He was struck by a vehicle in the center lane.

Couldn’t the man just call the Uber driver and ask him to pick him up?

State police said the driver of that vehicle stayed at the scene and is cooperating with the investigation.

While the man’s death is horrible, the good news is he almost beat the high score for Frogger!

Thanks For Nothing, Fauci

A Maryland driver was rushed to the hospital after the vehicle burst into flames when the driver used hand sanitizer while smoking. Hmm, I guess hand sanitizer isn’t always a good idea, eh, Fauci?

A car burst into flames Thursday after a Maryland motorist unwisely used hand sanitizer while smoking. A harrowing video taken from a news chopper shows the vehicle smoldering in a parking lot as firefighters rush to douse the blaze.

According to official reports, the unnamed driver was smoking a cigarette and then started using the germ-killing elixir, which ignited and set the whole car aflame like an impromptu Molotov cocktail.

Who could have guessed alcohol fumes would ignite near a flame?

That might be due to the fact that hand sanitizers contain a large amount of alcohol — around 60% ethanol or 70% isopropanol, which makes the personal hygiene product highly flammable.

Fortunately, the motorist was immediately transported to the hospital, where he was treated for minor burns and other non-life-threatening injuries. The vehicle, on the other hand, was torched beyond repair.

The good news is the driver will be back smoking at gas pumps any day now.

Let Baygons Be Bygones

Meet Ki Galang Pamungkas, an Indonesian internet celebrity who liked to abuse his body… but not in the fun way. You see, Pamungkas had a habit of spraying insecticide into his mouth for comments and likes. You already know the rest of the story.

The family of I Wayan Merta, who is also known as Ki Galang Pamungkas, have confirmed his death was unrelated to the dangerous stunt.

A video of a topless Ki Galang, fearlessly spraying Baygon insecticide into his mouth went viral thanks to his seemingly care-free demeanour.

Ignoring the potency of Baygon which is designed to kill every critter from cockroaches to ants, the guru from Bali, Indonesia happily swayed to music, sitting cross-legged, while taking it to the face.

Don’t fret, though; Pamungkas’ brother claimed he did not die from the insecticide…

Saputra told local media outlets: “As his brother, I am dismissing [rumors] that Ki Galang died because of insecticide. He died because of a heart attack.

Hmm, I’m no detective, but do you think the heart attack had anything to do with spraying bug spray into his word hole? No chance of causation here?

Everyone Be Cool, This Is A Robbery!

Tennessee is still on my retirement list, even though parts of the state are very violent. That comes with every state, obviously, but other states don’t have dullards posting dangerous videos for YouTube.

Take Timothy Wilks, for example.

One person was killed in a shooting in Old Hickory near the Hermitage line Friday night.

Police say 20-year-old Timothy Wilks was shot and killed in the parking lot of Urban Air on Old Hickory Boulevard.

Wait, it gets better…

Detectives were told that Wilks and a friend were participating in a “prank” robbery as part of a YouTube video and approached a group of people, including the shooter, with butcher knives.

A 23-year-old man told police he shot Wilks and wasn’t aware the robbery was a “prank.” He says it was self-defense.

No charges were filed for the shooter, obviously, and the world has lost another dimwit.