Florida Man Just Trying To Get Ahead

A Flori-Duh man was arrested after a domestic violence incident which included an argument, assault on police, and a ball python. So, just your regular day in Florida.

According to a Miami-Dade Police Department arrest report, officers responded to the Saga Bay Gardens apartment complex, located at 8260 SW 210th St., just after 5:20 a.m. after receiving reports of a domestic dispute.

The report states officers arrived, knocked on the door and could hear a man and woman arguing and, soon after, the woman screaming. Police said they could hear the woman yell “just kick the door in!”

After making entry, police saw Kevin Justin Mayorga running behind the door, attempting to close it in order to shut the victim in and hold her “against her will.”

At the moment, this is your regular domestic disturbance, but it’s about to get really weird.

According to the report, they were then about to make a bizarre discovery. The woman told police that Mayorga had bit off the head of her pet snake, a ball python.

Police said officers then saw the snake — and its severed head — sitting next to the entry door.

Now, I know Ozzy Osborne is getting older, but I don’t think he has named a successor just yet.

Thanks to The Daley Gator for the link.

Snap Into A Slim Jim!

Meet, or, in this case, “meat” Kacey Breazeale.

Kacey was shopping in a convenience store and instead of actually paying for items, she decided to give herself a five-finger discount. As the clerk approached her, Kacey assaulted him with a couple of Slim Jims.

A Florida Woman battered a convenience store clerk with a pair of Slim Jim beef sticks after being accused of shoplifting.

Cops allege that Kacey Breazeale, 40, was confronted Monday afternoon by the female victim at the exit doors to the store, which is adjacent to a Citgo gas station.

Breazeale “pushed the victim to get past” and then struck the 34-year-old clerk “with 2 Slim Jim beef sticks she was stealing,” reported Officer Joshua Kokaisel of the Pinellas Park Police Department.

Police arrived at the scene and arrested Kacey for battery. I’m not sure how striking someone with a Slim Jim can be called battery, but hey, at least she’s off the street for a few hours.

Thankfully The Poop Did Not Hit The Fan

A Fort Myers, Florida man was caught on surveillance video after he broke into Joe’s Crab Shack and released his bowels inside the restaurant.

Fort Myers police are searching for a pooping perpetrator caught on camera breaking into a Joe’s Crab Shack on Saturday.

Surveillance video shows the man squeeze through a small, broken window to get into the restaurant.

Who burglarizes a Joe’s Crab Shack? It’s not like he is going to get a hot meal after hours.

Police said the alleged suspect stole several items, including alcohol, and defecated on the floor before he left. He also snatched a Joe’s Crab Shack hat off a shelf and wore it as he walked around the restaurant.

I can understand swiping the alcohol, but there’s not a lot else he could have taken that was worth anything. But hey, Florida Man gonna Florida Man.

The Worst Little Whorehouse In Florida

Meet Amparo Latin Barillas and her son Glin Yan Zuniga Latin of Palm Beach, Flori-Duh. They say the family who plays together stays together. In this case they will soon stay together in separate jail cells.

A mother-and-son duo are accused of running a brothel out of a South Florida home — with one sex worker alleging she was paid according to how many condoms were used by the end of her shift. The relatives were caught after investigators began probing a complaint that 15-year-old girls were being offered to men for sex.

Under surveillance and by deploying fake “johns” authorities said detectives learned that 28-year-old son Glin Yan Zuniga Latin and his 52-year-old mother, Amparo Latin Barillas, were allegedly running the brothel.

Thankfully, the mother was running the front door and not doing tricks. *shudder*

The mother was reportedly in charge of working the door and accepting cash payments, the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office alleged.

Each sick encounter had a 15-minute time limit. (H/TMike AKA Proof)

Oh, no worries there. I’m lucky if I last three minutes – including undressing and dressing. Also, and I believe I mentioned this before, criminals who smile for their mug shots are usually psychopaths.

Florida Man Is A Two-Time Loser

Meet Patrick Abbott of South Florida.

Patrick is trying to make some money for himself, but instead of applying for a job, he decided to rob a Publix supermarket.

A South Florida man arrested for child abuse, accused of dropping a baby at a Walmart, is back in jail for a different crime. On Saturday 31-year-old Patrick Abbott faced a judge on armed robbery charges.

Police say last week Abbott handed a Publix worker a note written on a receipt demanding money, claiming he had a gun. The note read, “read carefully. I have a gun with me and put the money in the bag.”

Honestly, who robs a supermarket? Most of the real money is placed into the safe, and the managers usually take the money when the registers get full. I mean, is this guy that stupid?

The answer is yes.

Police said he was identified by the victim and taken into custody. The gun he claimed to have turned out to be a black stapler.

One wonders if this dolt even placed staples in the stapler. Those things can really hurt!

Florida And Machetes And Arsons, Oh My!

A gaggle of Floridians were celebrating New Year’s Eve this week when the party took a very severe turn. Even for Flori-Duh, this is an almost unbelievable incident.

A Florida home was doused with gas on New Year’s Day and set ablaze with 21 people locked inside, according to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office. Four were hurt as the group scrambled to escape through windows.

It happened at a home on London Lane in Bonita Springs, and a motive has not been released. Bonita Springs is about 150 miles south of Tampa.

I’m no detective, but I’d guess the motive had something to do with the psychopath outside.

“Upon arrival, deputies learned prior to the fire (one man) was wielding a machete inside the residence and threatening to kill people inside. (He) then began pouring gasoline through the residence while the second suspect … set the fuel on fire. The two then left the residence, locking the door behind them.”

Thankfully, everyone escaped the residence, and the scumbag animals were quickly arrested.

If Nothing Else, These Two Have Moxie

A couple who were burglarizing a Poinciana, Florida residence needed help stealing items from the location, so one of the burglars called 911 for help removing the goods. You can’t make this up.

Deputies responded to a home Saturday after a 911 call was made but nobody spoke, the Polk County Sheriff’s Office said. At the home, the deputies concluded that nobody lived there, but they found a male suspect and his girlfriend inside the home after entering it through an unlocked door.

Deputies had been searching for the male suspect after identifying him from security video as a burglar at a Dollar General store in Poinciana, Florida, where several items were stolen earlier in the day.

While I assumed it was the male who called 911, it was apparently the woman. Good job, dumbass!

While talking to deputies, the female suspect told them that she had called 911 for the purpose of having law enforcement help them move their belongings from the house they were burglarizing. They also wanted to get a ride to the airport so they could spend the weekend in New York.

I’m not sure if they thought the cops were stupid enough to help them burglarize a house, or if they are so completely lacking self-awareness that they thought they were smarter than the officers.

Thanks to The Daley Gator for the generous link!

And During Boxing Day!

Meet Frankie Caldwell of Clearwater, Florida. Frankie really loves the Christmas season, so much so that he decided to decorate his girlfriend by shattering an ornament on her skull.

Investigators allege that Frankie Caldwell, 55, battered the victim around 7 AM with the “fragile” Christmas ornament, “causing it to shatter into pieces.” The 53-year-old woman is described in court filings as Caldwell’s “on-again-off-again girlfriend of nine years.”

When police arrived at the pair’s Clearwater apartment, the victim “described pieces of the figurine falling down the back of her dress.”

I guess it could have been worse. Frankie could have impaled his girlfriend with the paper clip holding the ornament on the tree. Or better yet, struck her with a fruitcake.

Florida Man Takes Pride In His Deer

Decorative wooden deer sit on the front yards of homes in the Bayshore Beautiful neighborhood in Tampa. [ LUIS SANTANA | Times ]
A Tampa, Florida man has been making wooden reindeer for his Christmas decorations, as well as giving some reindeer to his family and friends.

It’s a nice gesture, even if some of the reindeer are very, um, correct.

Four days before Christmas this year, Jeff Sweet stood on a neighbor’s lawn doing some quick math. Making 16 reindeer in one marathon day of flying sawdust and neighborly camaraderie — his annual post-Thanksgiving tradition — means the herd has now grown to about 128 deer, “give or take.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty good,” said Sweet, a general contractor, “but my goal, my dream, is to have so many reindeer all over this neighborhood and all south Tampa that there’s reindeer everywhere.”

That would be a good idea, as long as everyone understands the genitals.

Despite the individual customizations, the reindeer all share one distinctive trait. The males are somewhat “anatomically correct.” He also noted that due to the size of the pencil he uses to trace the reindeer cutouts, their “parts” are growing by about an eighth of an inch each year.

Yeah, the reindeer have penises, testicles, etc. It’s like being at the North Pole on Nudie Bar night.

Bring Out The Gimps

A group of gimps showed up at a Fort Lauderdale, Florida city commission to plead for a tax-payer funded sex dungeon. They were serious.

City commission meetings can often be a bland affair to all but the most dedicated, civically-minded citizens, but a trio of women briefly spiced up a discussion about yard waste at a meeting in Fort Lauderdale Tuesday night.

The group of citizens, who waltzed over to the lectern, wore skin-tight costumes. One of the women, introduced by Mayor Dean Trantalis as “Ms. Krave,” made an unusual request.

I mean, go with the skin-tight suit… in Florida. where it’s still really hot. Dumbass.

“Good evening council peoples, you may call me ‘Mistress,’” the woman begins. “I am here standing neutral to the motion approving an agreement for the proprietary purchase of yard waste processing and disposal.”

But the woman, in apparent fetish gear, quickly pivots from leaves and grass clippings to an unusual citizen proposal for a different way to spend a portion of the nearly $1 million proposed in the agreement with Waste Management.

I’m not exactly sure why so many Floridians are mentally deranged, but I’m glad they’re there, because the posts simply write themselves.