She Brought Her Own Inflatable Devices

Meet Heather A. Kennedy of Charlotte County, Florida. Heather doesn’t appreciate the climate of her home state, so occasionally she decides to swim in other people’s pools. Oh, did I mention she does so without clothes?

A Florida woman is accused of skinny-dipping in a stranger’s pool and refused multiple requests to leave, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.

Heather A. Kennedy, 42, is facing charges of trespass in structure or conveyance and resisting an officer without violence. The homeowner told deputies he returned home and noticed a naked stranger in his pool after spotting clothing scattered across the lanai.

Deputies said when they arrived at the Cambridge Drive home Kennedy was hostile toward officers and told them to leave her alone.

In my twenty-six years in police work, I can honestly say Heather would have been the most attractive naked woman I have ever seen if she lived in Philadelphia. Think about that.

Thuggage Versus Luggage

Meet William Hodge of Daytona Beach, Flori-Duh. William is an avid fisherman and really likes the excitement of the hunt. Unless, of course, he catches an alligator; then it’s on like Donkey Kong.

According to police, William Hodge, a 32-year-old fisherman, was arrested early today after officers spotted him trying to fling the purloined alligator atop a building in Daytona Beach Shores.

I’ve mentioned this previously, but it bears repeating. NASCAR’s Daytona International Speedway is an amazing place; the rest of Daytona is mostly white trash.

When Hodge’s attempt to launch the alligator failed, Hodge slammed the reptile to the ground and stomped on it, according to a charging affidavit.

When cops approached Hodge, seen at right, he “raised his hands up as if he were giving up and was taken into custody.” Asked what he was doing when throwing the alligator in the air, Hodge reportedly replied that he was “teaching it a lesson.”

The lesson the gator learned is to immediately eat white trash fisherman when you get the chance.

Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K

Meet Kendall Mabry of Umatilla, Flori-Duh.

Kendall was out on the town looking for a good time, but since it’s June in Florida, Kendall wanted to cool off. What better way to do so than to walk into a Circle K, sans pantaloons.

Responding to a 1:30 AM “naked woman in public” call last Thursday, police found Kendall Mabry sans pants or underwear inside the convenience store in Umatilla, a city about 45 miles from Orlando.

A Circle K clerk and a sheriff’s deputy both reported seeing Mabry emerge from the store’s bathroom “with no pants or underwear on.” When asked about her state of undress, Mabry reportedly “stated that another deputy told her it was fine to do that.”

In fairness, I tell that to all the hot girls I come across on the job. Sadly, most of them aren’t idiotic enough to actually fall for it.

Mabry, police reported, smelled of alcohol and her speech was slurred. Additionally, “the smell of marijuana was coming out of her vehicle.” Mabry’s pants were found inside her car.

My guess would be the pants were soiled. That said, yeah, I’d probably tap that.

Cue The Jericho Trumpets

A Florida pilot was almost taken out by a sniper after he decided to dive bomb the crowd at the Gulf Coast Jam. The genius also dropped beer koozies adorned with his business and phone number.

A report about the ‘reckless’ flyover at Gulf Coast Jam revealed the dangerous situation faced by law enforcement officers and the leadership of the concert.

The report also revealed that a sniper with the Bay County Sheriff’s Office was watching the plane and that deputies warned the pilot that they were prepared to “take action” if the incident continued.

By “take action,” I assume they would go get some donuts.

Robert Ryan Gore, 40, of Destin, is charged with operation of an aircraft while intoxicated or in a careless, reckless manner.

Deputies wrote that at about 8:30 p.m. Gore flew a seaplane below 500 feet over the crowd which numbered more than 20,000. They added that he made a nose dive maneuver towards the crowd and then made a second pass. He also dropped koozies onto the crowd that contained a website for his business, and a phone number.

What kind of imbecile nose dives toward a crowd of 20,000 people and doesn’t think it will cause a panic? Worse still, what kind of person gives out beer koozies anymore?

John Henry Was A Wheel Driving Man

When most people are being chased by the police, they usually toss any evidence they are carrying. In Flori-Duh, the criminals throw something else entirely… because Flori-Duh.

A Florida man was in jail with no bail Saturday after authorities said he threw a 2-month-old boy in their direction at the end of a wild vehicle chase near Vero Beach.

A deputy caught the boy, who was unharmed, the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement. John Henry James III was ultimately booked at the local jail on multiple charges, including battery on an officer and child abuse.

The chase started when a deputy attempted to stop the suspect for “failure to maintain the lane,” the office said. It lasted about 40 minutes and included James driving a white Nissan SUV that struck an unmarked sheriff’s vehicle.

Sadly, the deputy spiked the baby after the amazing catch. (Okay I made that up.)

Someone Needed To Tinkle

A Miami, Florida man lost his water after he entered a 7-11 and was told the restrooms were locked. It’s okay, though; it’s not like the guy pulled out a handgun or anything.

Police are asking for the public’s help in identifying a customer who pointed a gun and threatened to shoot a 7-Eleven store clerk when he was told the restrooms were locked.

The incident happened in the afternoon of Friday, Nov. 27, 2020, at approximately 12:30 p.m. After a 911 call, Miami police responded to a 7-Eleven store at 2 Northwest 79th Street to investigate reports of an aggravated assault.

The store employee told detectives that the man became belligerent when he was told he could not use the restrooms because they were locked. When the store employee asked him to leave, he pointed a gun and told the employee he was going to shoot, but then fled the scene.

I’m guessing the dude needed to poop, because most men are completely fine with urinating on the sidewalk, grass, or any Progressive Insurance employee.

Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting

A group of five churchgoing teenagers were arrested this week after leading police officers on a high-speed chase through Florida’s highways. Leave it to cops to stop the cherubs from having a good time.

This is a video of teens leading a high speed chase in Florida before coming to a crashing stop on the highway.

Police were called Wednesday for a report of a Fort Lauderdale home being burglarized while people were inside. They got away, but not before police were provided with a description of their vehicle. When cops caught up to the getaway car and tried to pull it over, the suspects refused. Video of the chase shows police vehicles hanging back as the driver appears to make a sudden right turn – across three lanes – and hit at least one other car, barrel into a guardrail and strike an SUV before overturning and spinning to a stop.

The Fort Lauderdale Police Department said five juveniles were taken into custody from inside the car.

The writer was fretting about how the awful police officers handled the poor little cherubs after the car rolled over. You know, because risking people’s lives on a major highway should be handled with grace and aplomb.

You can see the mayhem – and the hilarious aftermath – below the fold…

Continue reading “Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting”

Carnival Cruises Hires Top-Notch Talent

Meet Audrey Nicole Francisquini, a Carnival Cruise sales employee who occasionally hangs out in high schools for kicks, giggles, and new Instagram followers.

According to police, it all started when 28-year-old Audrey Nicole Francisquini, a Carnival Cruise Line employee who works in sales, entered American Senior High School in Miami on Monday.

That is when security confronted Francisquini, but she portrayed herself to security as a student, and stated that she was looking for the registration office. However, instead of walking to the office, she walked straight past it down a hallway, confronting multiple students as they were trying to enter a classroom.

No reason for alarm, folks, this is all perfectly normal.

Footage showed that she not only dressed up like a student on purpose, but as she was preventing the students from entering the classroom, she was simultaneously handing them pre-printed pamphlets with her social media username (or handle) on the flyers.

How pathetic must one be to beg high school students to follow on social media? Lady, you’re 28-years old, and no teenager 1. believed you were a student, and 2. would ever follow you on Instagram.

Florida Jumps The Shark

A Florida high school student and her mother are being charged for – get this – rigging an election for homecoming queen. And you thought you were mad after the 2020 presidential election?

Emily Rose Grover was still 17 when she was arrested in March. She turned 18 in April, and the State Attorney’s Office in Escambia County confirmed Tuesday that Grover will be tried as an adult. Grover and her mother, Laura Rose Carroll, 50, face multiple felony charges stemming from the October homecoming vote at Tate High School in Pensacola.

This is a joke, right? I mean, police officers cannot possibly be investigating an “election” which literally means nothing, right? Has Florida wiped out crime in their state?

While employed as an assistant principal at Bellview Elementary School in the same county, Carroll accessed the school district’s internal system to cast fraudulent votes for her daughter so that she would win, officials said. The investigation began in November when the Escambia County School District reported unauthorized access into hundreds of student accounts, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

Investigators found that in October, hundreds of votes for the school’s homecoming court were flagged as fraudulent, the news release said. There were 117 votes from the same IP address within a short period of time, the investigation found.

I’m not sure which is more egregious; the fact Florida spent valuable police resources to lock up someone for homecoming fraud, or the fact that we can order up a high school homecoming investigation, but we cannot investigate the rampant 2020 election fraud.

Don’t Rock The Boat, Baby

A Florida man suffered serious injuries after his jet ski struck a boat while he was traveling on the water at a high speed. You see, the “jet” part is right there in the name, people!

According to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, David Steffano, 56, was operating a 28-foot Chaparral Bowrider traveling eastbound alongside the Dunedin Causeway, with five passengers on board, when he saw someone on a personal watercraft traveling north to south at a high rate of speed.

Steffano said he thought the personal watercraft would travel behind his vessel. Due to heavy water traffic, Steffano said he turned his attention to the port side of his boat and that’s when the personal watercraft struck the rear of his vessel throwing Jose Rivera-Reyes into the water.

Steffano told deputies he immediately stopped his boat, helped Rivera-Reyes out of the water and called 911.

Personally, I think jet skis look like a lot of fun, but the second you fall off, you’re shark bait. I’m not a fan of sharks. In any measure. At all.