A Most Egregious Crime

Meet John Earl Taylor of Florida. John is just trying to make a living in this crazy world, so when he asked someone if he could buy him Wendy’s chicken nuggets, and the person declined, he lost his feathers.

According to the suspect’s arrest report, the victim was getting out of his car when he was approached by John Earl Taylor, 34, who asked him if he could buy him chicken nuggets.

Police said the victim told Taylor that he only had enough money for himself and proceeded to enter the Wendy’s. As he was leaving, Taylor approached him again, this time pointing a semi-automatic gun with an extended magazine at him.

My son Erik absolutely loves Wendy’s chicken nuggets, and he would probably have fought this high-headed dude to the death.

Police said Taylor then demanded the victim hand over his gold chain and car key. Taylor then got into the victim’s car and took off.

So… assault, robbery, carjacking, the giant forehead, and theft of delicious chicken nuggets. If I were on the jury, I would suggest the electric chair.

Justin Credible

Meet Justin Horne of Flori-Duh.

Justin was visiting the local Walmart, and while he was shopping, he decided to steal some cigarettes. Now you may think such a brilliant, Adonis like Justin would know better than stealing, but you would be wrong.

A man who was trespassed from a Walmart in Palm Bay last week for attempting to steal a pack of cigarettes was arrested Thursday after leaving behind an illegal firearm.

Justin Horne, 35, a homeless resident of Palm Bay, was trespassed on June 13 because the value of the attempted theft did not initially warrant a law enforcement response, police said.

One would also think this MENSA member would remember to recover his backpack…

Walmart employees later noticed the bag and collected it, observing what they told police appeared to be two firearms inside. A responding officer said the two weapons were a pepper spray pistol and a Harrington & Richardson Model 88 shotgun with no stock and “a majority of the barrel sawed off,” as well as no visible serial number, according to the report.

So this dumbass was effectively cleared of the trespass charge until the Walmart employees found the shotgun, which was sawed off, and the serial number was obliterated.

The good news? Justin is no longer homeless, since he will be spending his days in federal prison.

Mining Their Own Business

Since the summer season is upon us, it’s probably a good time to book your vacation destination; preferable one which doesn’t have land mines on their beaches.

An Air Force crew was summoned to a Florida beach when authorities identified an “old military ordinance” believed to be a land mine dating from the 1930s.

The Indian River County Sheriff’s Office said in a Facebook post that a crew from Patrick Air Force Base was summoned to a beach located south of Vero Beach when a visitor discovered an object that deputies determined was likely an old military explosive device.

I absolutely love the crossed pieces of wood, warning people “Do Not Touch.” Yeah, that’ll work.

Merrily We Float Along

Just when you think you have seen peak Flori-Duh, someone else rides in and shatters your expectations.

Take Ronald Williams, for example, who stole a jet ski and led police on a waterway pursuit.

Authorities said Ronald Williams, 48, stole the jet ski around 12:30 p.m. and, unable to get it started, floated away on it.

A family getting ready to head out on their boat let the deputies borrow it to catch Williams, who was still floating in the Intracoastal Waterway.

I’m pretty sure the deputy had some fun with it before chasing the perpetrator.

Video shows deputies approaching Williams with a gun drawn and telling him to put his hands up. Deputies ordered Williams to swim to the boat but he said he didn’t know how to swim.

One of the deputies can be heard yelling, “So you’re gonna take a jet ski and you don’t know how to swim?”

Ah Flori-Duh, don’t ever change.

You Call Him Doctor Jones!

Meet Timothy Jones of Flori-Duh.

Timothy was just released from prison after he was sentenced to eight years for committing a bank robbery. Timmy didn’t learn much in the cooler, because the day after he was released, guess what happened…

A man released from prison after being convicted for robbing a bank decided to rob another bank Thursday, according to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office.

Timothy Jones, 59, was released from prison Wednesday after serving an eight-year prison sentence for a 2013 bank robbery.

This guy definitely has a “Born to Lose” tattoo on his chest.

Deputies said the day after his release, Jones became wanted for an armed bank robbery and carjacking in Orlando.

According to deputies, a man identified as Jones walked into the Truist Bank at 11200 S. Orange Blossom Trail, implied that he had a gun and demanded $150,000 in cash. Afterward, deputies said he forcibly took a car — a dark-gray 2014 Toyota Camry — and fled the area.

So Timmay commits another bank robbery then ends with a carjacking chaser. That’s a bold move, even for Flori-Duh man.

A Good Florida Man Is A Very Patient Man

An Orlando, Florida man is unable to pay respects to his deceased mother because there is apparently a green ooze seeping from his mother’s mausoleum.

The man has demanded action, but the folks at Glen Haven Memorial Park are dragging their feet.

“I’ve teared up several times because it’s the first Mother’s Day without my mom,” David Nubar said.

It’s been an emotional time for Nubar since his mom passed away. He claims he can’t visit her final resting place because there’s a green liquid coming out of the bottom of the mausoleum. He showed Action 9 pictures of the fluid he fears could be decomposed human remains.

He says two other family members have been entombed in this same structure for years, and he first complained about the leakage in 2021.

Mr. Nubar is a better person than I. If this was my mother I would give them a week to act, and on the eighth day, I’d be headed to Glen Haven read to whoop some asses.

Well, This Guy’s Idiocy Went Publix

A Flori-Duh man was making a delivery at a Publix supermarket when the driver crashed into a parked vehicle with his tractor trailer. The driver was brutally honest about the incident. Sadly, honest.

Michael Calvo, 51, of Cape Coral, was making a delivery in the back of the shopping center when his truck tore an awning off the building and hit an unoccupied pickup truck, pushing it for about 200 feet. Officers say both vehicles were totaled.

When an officer approached Calvo following the crash, he stated that he thought he was being pranked by a television show and did not immediately come out of the 53-foot tractor.

It was at that moment Mr. Calvo opened his mouth and ruined everything…

The officer says Calvo’s responded by saying, “I was smoking my meth pipe.”

“We appreciate Mr. Calvo’s honest response to the officer’s question,” said Haines City Deputy Police Chief Loyd Stewart. “But using meth is illegal and could have cost someone their life.”

Well it cost this dullard his freedom. I guess that’s a start.

Dónde Están Tus Pantalones?

Meet Kenneth Grey of St. Petersburg, Flori-Duh.

Kenneth decided to break into the Red Mesa Cantina, and while he did, he decided to clean himself… as well as his pink parts.

A trespassing suspect with “his pants opened and genitals exposed” explained to Florida police that he was “doing a chant and was cleansing himself spiritually” when he was discovered at 2:15 AM on the premises of a closed Mexican restaurant.

Don’t giggle, I clean myself spiritually once a day; mostly by sitting on the couch, scarfing potato chips, and looking at photos of Vica Kerekes.

Cops say that Kenneth Grey, 29, tripped a silent alarm after jumping a fence early Monday at the Red Mesa Cantina in St. Petersburg.

Grey was seated inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “with his pants opened and genitals exposed.” Grey was detained and subsequently charged with loitering and prowling, a misdemeanor.

Wow, if I had a dollar for every time my genitals were exposed, I would have retired fifteen years ago.

P.S.If you do nothing else here today, I beg of you to please read today’s Feel-Good Friday.

Not So Goodfellas

The Broward County (FL) Sheriff’s Office is dredging the waters of Deerfield Beach. The operation’s objective is to find submerged vehicles… and possibly the bodies inside.

“There’s more water in Broward County than there is land, if you count the Everglades. Waterways are a pretty common place for vehicles or evidence or anything to go missing,” Alexander Beer of the Broward Sheriff’s Office dive rescue team said.

Divers from BSO and the Pembroke Pines Police Department will be spending the next three days searching through Sailboat Lake, where they believe at least eight cars are submerged with potential bodies inside.

“It’s a possibility. We know that for any number of reasons those vehicles are there. Whether it’s an environmental hazard to have them down there — we certainly know they’re not supposed to be there, so they could be stolen, vehicles that were used in a crime,” Beer said.

I mean, it’s not like any mobsters lived in Florida or anything… I’d wager at least twenty vehicles are in the lake, and I would also guess there are at least a few bodies inside the cars.

Well, unless the gators got them.

This Story Is Peak Flori-Duh

A Florida woman was arrested after leading police on a vehicle pursuit, striking a police motorcycle, and then… throwing a snake at a deputy. All in a day’s work in Flori-Duh.

A woman is accused of throwing a snake at a Florida deputy after leading authorities on a pursuit that ended in a crash. Deputies said the woman was arrested after she fled from a traffic stop, then intentionally hit an MCSO Motorcycle Unit.

Moments later, the woman lead deputies on a pursuit that ended after the woman hit another patrol car and a truck carrying three people. When the deputy approached the woman, she threw a snake at him.

Thankfully it was a woman, because Florida Man would have thrown a different kind of snake.

Many thanks to the Pirate’s Cove for the link.