Red Soda Cup, You (Don’t) Fill Me Up

Editor’s Note: This post is listed under Flori-Duh, but the idiot in this story hails from the Bronx.

A man is suing Universal Studios after he was forced to wait a short time to refill his “unlimited refill” cup.

A Bronx man is suing NBC Universal after he paid for an “unlimited refill” soda machine deal at one of the company’s theme parks — only to discover he had to wait a whole 10 minutes between each pour.

Luis Arnaud is bubbling with anger over the “false advertising” — saying he learned while trying to “quench his thirst” that the refills were in fact “limited” to a measly “total of only six per hour,” according to the class-action lawsuit filed in Manhattan federal court Thursday.

I’ve been to Disney World twice in August, and yes, the temperatures are oppressive. That said, I never had to gulp down a drink then immediately down another one. Not to mention Disney World and Universal Studios have water fountains stationed around the parks. This lawsuit is completely frivolous, and Arnaud should be ashamed of himself.

Arnaud says he visited Universal’s Island of Adventure in Orlando, Fla., on July 30 and bought a 16-ounce “Coca-Cola Freestyle” cup — which purported to come with “unlimited” refills all day — for $16.99. The next day, he reactivated the cup at Universal’s sister theme park Volcano Bay for $8.99.

The cups come with a computer chip to show you’ve paid for the bottomless deal — but Arnaud learned they were also tracking how often users top up, and are “programmed” to limit refills to every 10 minutes.

TEN MINUTES?!!! That’s an outrage! I mean, the crew of the USS Indianapolis spent four days in the ocean, without water, and fighting off sharks, but this guy paid $16.99! Someone please deliver a dump truck full of money to Mr. Arnaud’s residence, post haste!

And refill the truck every ten minutes.

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The Very Definition Of Flori-Duh

A Miami beach police officer has been suspended after he paraded three handcuffed lingerie models past his headquarters for a Playboy model’s video.

Why do I never get jobs like these?

A police officer in Miami Beach has been relieved of duty after a risqué video showed him with three lingerie models walking outside the department’s headquarters. The video, making rounds on social media, showed 11-year veteran Officer William Beeker walking behind the models up the steps of the building on Washington Avenue, with all three in handcuffs at the time.

In a statement, Miami Beach Police say that Beeker was relieved of duty Tuesday as their investigation continues into the case.

“It is disgusting that a representative of the Miami Beach Police Department, and the City as a whole, would choose to participate in this distasteful video,” city manager Jimmy Morales said in a statement. “He has made a mockery of the men and women of the MBPD who work hard each day to serve and protect our community.” (H/T – Al B.)

I cannot believe I am agreeing with some jackass administrative drone, but Morales is right. You never appear in videos, you never parade lingerie-clad women past your HQ, and you never do something this idiotic in uniform and/or while on duty!

A Slice Of Heaven

Meet Leonard Thomas of Clearwater, Florida.

Leonard is a handsome, outgoing fellow looking for love in the Sunshine State. While his technique needs a little work, his love interests always get the point.

A man in Clearwater is facing aggravated assault charges after he pulled a machete on a woman who refused to date him.

Clearwater Police arrested Leonard Thomas, 55, just before 7 p.m. on Friday night.

Police say Thomas and the victim were arguing when he became angry because she wouldn’t date him. Thomas pulled the machete from a sheath on his belt and raised it toward the victim and said “I’ll cut you up.”

No, no, no, Leonard said, “I’ll butter you up.” For Pete’s sake, it’s called being romantic, people!

Marlowe Enjoys His Merlot

Meet Derek Marlowe of Flori-duh. Derek wanted to get mad educated, so he decided to stumble into a high school classroom and learn about the rhombus.

A man suspected of being extremely intoxicated rode his bike onto a Port Orange high school campus Friday morning and meandered into a class room, taking a seat at an open desk, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies responded to Spruce Creek High School on Taylor Road Friday around 8:55 a.m. where the school resource officer had Derek Marlowe, 51, in handcuffs in the dean’s office.

Marlowe entered the school where he “lingered while classes were in session” before entering C-Hallway and walking into classroom C-20 at 8:45 a.m., surveillance video showed. The report says the door was ajar because a student came back from using a restroom and did not fully close the door behind them.

Sadly, Derek was quickly arrested by deputies, depriving the school of its best student in decades.

Drunken Stumblebums

Meet Stephen James Dean and Teresa Ann Behan of, well, you already know the state.

Stephen and Teresa were out having a few – read: many – drinks when they walked – read: stumbled – into a backyard to have some hot, sweaty sex.

A 52-year-old woman told police she heard an argument coming from her backyard Monday evening, and that’s when she called law enforcement. When the woman looked outside her window, she said she saw a man and woman having sex.

The couple, 36-year-old Stephen James Dean and 49-year-old Teresa Ann Behan, are both listed as homeless and each with a criminal background.

The Key West woman who reported the excursion in her backyard said she saw the couple having sex up against a barrier wall.

Behan reportedly told police that “James” claimed he was her music producer, and that he told her their rendezvous backyard was his own place. That’s when Dean told police that he and Behan were, indeed, having sex in the backyard.

Good grief, who pretends to be a movie producer? When I’m drunk, I’m either an ATF agent or the guy who invented HeadOn (Apply directly to the forehead).

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Meet Jeff Spicoli, er, Katie Jade Gates of Florida.

Katie enjoys quiet dinners at home with her grandparents, at least until someone denies her a second helping of tomatoes. That, my friends, is a bridge too far.

Katie Jade Gates, 19, allegedly became incensed when she was denied additional tomatoes during supper on September 12 at her family’s home in Callahan, a town 20 miles north of Jacksonville.

Gates’s grandmother told police that the teenager “began to throw a fit because she couldn’t have more tomatoes at the dinner table.” Gates allegedly threw a water bottle at her grandfather and a pack of cigarettes at a 73-year-old female relative (who was struck in the eye by the airborne tobacco).

When confronted about her behavior by her grandfather, Gates allegedly grabbed a knife and began threatening him with it. “Motherfucker, I’ll stab you in your fucking face,” she said, according to a Nassau County Sheriff’s Office report. Gates chased her grandfather with the knife and poked the weapon at his face.

I’m not sure which is more disturbing; the fact Katie tried to stab her grandfather in the face, or that mentally deranged mug shot photo.

Atlantic City Man Meets Florida Man

David Allen of Atlantic City, NJ, was not enjoying his Daytona Beach excursion. Instead of frolicking in the ocean waves, he spent his time in his hotel room, clutching a hand grenade.

On Saturday morning, police said they received reports that a man had barricaded himself inside his hotel room and had a hand grenade.

“He was the only person inside of the room. There were initial reports that there may have been a female inside the room that was held custody. We were able to quickly dispel that,” said Daytona Beach Police Deputy Chief Jakari Young.

Around 1:30 p.m., officials arrested Allen after he reportedly asked them for a soda. They brought him one, placed it outside his room, then shocked him with a Taser when he came out to get it.

Electrifying! Some advice to those living in Atlantic City: you may think you’re stupid, but you’re pikers compared to home-grown Florida men.

Florida Man Has A Nice Piece Of Meat

Meet Patrick Lytle of Florida.

Patrick is down on his luck, and while he cannot afford a home, he can afford raw hamburger meat.

A homeless Florida man threw raw hamburger meat on the hood of another man’s car for an unknown reason.

In fairness, Patrick was just trying to enjoy some delicious engine block burgers.

Police said the car’s owner called them around 8 a.m. Sunday and said a neighbor saw Patrick Lytle throw beef on his car. When witnesses tried to stop Lytle, he continued walking away and refused to wait until authorities arrived.

The victim was able to hose off the meat from his car. It did not cause any damage.

No offense, but Patrick doesn’t look like the outdoorsy type. So why would he have raw hamburger meat if he cannot (obviously) make a fire?

Little Rapper Has Little Talent

Meet IV Leo Little.

Leo is a rapper in Florida trying to make a name for himself. What better way to do that than to enter a police station, and film a rap video inside the lobby while trashing the police?

The video begins with IV Leo Little sitting on the ground next to a Broward Sheriff’s Office patrol car with his hands seemingly handcuffed behind him. The scene then shifts to the Aventura Police Department’s lobby where he uses a racial slur in a song critical of police tactics involving black men.

He dances through the lobby and jumps on a desk with the agency’s logo prominently displayed.

Police Maj. Michael Bentolila tells the Miami Herald Little didn’t damage property and wasn’t charged with a crime. They’ve since secured the lobby, requiring visitors to buzz in.

Okay, I’m calling bullshit. There is no way any cop in that station was unaware of some gangsta thug filming a rap video in their lobby. It is simply not possible, even for Florida. Most police stations have video surveillance both inside and outside their headquarters. Barring that, you cannot convince me not one officer didn’t hear this jackass singing in the building.

I’m not saying the officers let him in, but I am saying they absolutely knew he was there.

He’s A Regular Bruise Lee

Meet Larry Adams of, well, you guess the state. Like many people, Larry enjoys a little peace and quiet, and when he is bothered by ambient noise, he takes swift and decisive action.

Daytona Beach police spokesman Messod Bendayan says 61-year-old Larry Adams complained about his neighbor’s loud music coming from a car in the parking lot of their Daytona apartment complex.

Police say Adams sprayed four of his neighbors with roach spray and swung his nunchucks in a threatening manner and hit himself.

Wow, nothing but the best and brightest in Daytona, huh?

Adams is charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon. Volusia County jail records don’t list a lawyer for Adams. (H/TProof)

I’ve been to Daytona Beach once in 2001, for the NASCAR Pepsi 400. The track is amazing and the race was awesome. Sadly, the rest of Daytona Beach is, um, lacking, so this story does not surprise me at all.