Corvette Summer

There are few things more exciting than buying a new car. It’s arguably more exciting when you can buy a 2020 Chevy Corvette. Sadly, the excitement can wear off when some jackass drops the car off a garage lift.

Welcome to Florida.

Anyone who has managed to get their hands on a 2020 Chevrolet Corvette should consider themselves lucky, as General Motors was forced to cut production short due to the coronavirus outbreak. Even though the number of cars that were delivered was limited, there have already been a number of cases of cars being wrecked, including an unfortunate new instance involving a Chevy dealership.

Florida-based C8 owner Jake Anthony recently brought his car in for service and clearly, the dealership did not know the proper way to put it on the lift. The new mid-engined Vette has a different weight distribution that the dealer was apparently oblivious to, resulting in the car falling off the lift.

I cannot even imagine how angry the owner would be. The fact he didn’t murder the entire staff is a testament to his patience.

A Burning Towel Ring Of Fire

Meet Robin Hamilton of Hawthorne, Florida; the only woman ever to peer into the Ark of the Covenant and live to tell the tale.

Robin is a simple woman with simple tastes. She likes long walks on the beach, cuddling her favorite towel, and a roaring house fire with people inside.

Robin Hamilton, 57, was arrested shortly after Saturday’s fire behind a Hawthorne trailer home.

A woman told Alachua County deputies that she was renting the shed from Hamilton and living there with her two dogs. The woman said Hamilton had been drunk and threatened to “burn her out” because of a missing towel that had sentimental value to Hamilton.

About 20 minutes after the fight, the tenant said she smelled something burning and then saw smoke. The woman said she got out of the shed, but her puppy fled under the furniture and died in the fire.

Hamilton told detectives she didn’t know how the fire started. A neighbor’s surveillance showed Hamilton crouching next to the shed several times, just before the building caught fire.

The good news is Robin will never be raped in prison, because… YIKES!

You Don’t Bring Me Flowers…

Meet Sandra Kay Webb of Tampa, Florida.

Sandra’s loving husband bought her a bouquet of flowers for Mother’s Day, and Sandra was so overjoyed she threw them straight into her best vase. No, wait a minute, she actually threw them at her husband.

Investigators say that Sandra Kay Webb, 32, and her spouse were in their Tampa-area residence when matters turned physical around 12:30 AM Monday.

Webb, seen at right, was upset at the victim because he bought her children “flowers to give her for Mother’s Day.” This “made the defendant angry.”

Webb allegedly “threw the flowers at the victim while he was in bed and struck him with the bouquet.” Webb is also accused of spitting on her husband’s arm and chest.

She seems nice.

Hounds Status: Released

A Florida woman was arrested after cleaning out her garage with her breasts exposed. The photo above is the delicious Christina Ricci, because the “woman” pictured at the link is not exactly appealing.

Responding to a 911 call “reference to a exposure of sexual organs,” cops spoke with a Vero Beach resident who said that a neighbor who lives across the street pulled down her shirt “and exposed her breasts to the victim and her children.” The minors ranged in age from 11 to five.

At one point, the witness said, the topless woman “bent over with her top down and started pounding on her blue plastic recycling bin making sure that the victim and the kids were looking.”

Upon confronting the suspect–identified by police as Stephanie Wright, 56–“her tan tank top was tucked under her breasts and I could visibly see her breasts,” reported Deputy David Ragley.

Wright refused Ragley’s initial request to cover up. “No, I’m in my garage and I don’t have to,” she reportedly said. After eventually pulling her top up, Wright explained that she had been “cleaning out her garage.” Asked why she was doing this topless, Wright “stated she was allowed to.”

People sometimes ask me how often I’ve seen naked people while performing my job. The answer is, “more than you would believe.” When asked how many are attractive, the answer is always, “zero.”

She’s Mother Of The Year

Meet Noelle Rascati of Claremont, Florida.

Noelle is a single mom struggling to make ends meet while her husband is rotting in prison. Thankfully, the couple can celebrate Mother’s Day by participating in virtual sex over the internet… while their child is in the room.

A Florida woman has been arrested on a felony charge for allegedly having a virtual conjugal visit with her incarcerated fiance, during which she pleasured herself with a bevy of sex toys while a child was present in the same room.

Noelle Rascati, 32, was taken into custody on April 22 and booked into the county jail on a charge of lewd or lascivious exhibition stemming from her virtual visit with her groom-to-be, 26-year-old Tathan Fields, in the Santa Rosa County Jail on March 25.

Fields is serving a 15-year sentence on burglary and grand larceny convictions. (H/T – Al B.)

I’d wager the child – even if it’s a newborn – would be much better off alone on the streets than surrounded by these two degenerates.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Fistmas

Meet Christina Zicuis of, well, guess the state.

Christina had a disagreement with her gentleman caller, and being a good Flori-Duh woman, she de-escalated the situation by beating the man with a delicious Christmas treat.

Cops say that Christina Zicuis, 35, got into an argument early Saturday morning with the victim inside a Clearwater residence. The couple quarreled “about Christina’s daughter who is not alive.”

The dispute turned violent when Zicuis stabbed the victim in the arm with a pen, causing him to depart the home. Zicuis then allegedly chased the man into the front yard and tossed a brick (which missed Zicuis’s fleeing target).

Zicuis then “threw a candy cane at the victim’s left arm, causing bruising and swelling to his elbow,” reported a Clearwater cop who listed “CANDY” as the weapon wielded by Zicuis.

Aww, she was just trying to hook the guy in. /rimshot

I’m surprised Christina didn’t sharpen the edge to get good penetration. And before you ask, yes I’d probably hit it.

Alright Hamilton!

Meet Richard Hamilton of Florida.

Richard is apparently not bored enough at work – apparently he’s “essential” – so he devised a brilliant plan to keep himself home for the day.

Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputies arrested 36-year-old Richard Hamilton and charged him with making a false bomb threat.

Deputies investigating the call determined Hamilton was the caller and continued their investigation at 1100 Wellington Trace and evacuated about 20 people from the building.

Hamilton told deputies he’d lost his phone, according to the arrest report. After searching the area and Hamilton’s car, deputies say the suspect admitted to them that there was no bomb and that he’d made the call because he was having a bad day and wanted to get out of work.

Let’s ignore the stupidity of this dumbass – it’s really, really easy to track a cellphone bomb threat – and understand how unfair it is that this dick is trying to get out of work while most others are sitting home wondering where their next meal is coming from.

Black Gawk Down

Meet Michael Leary, an Airman 1st Class with the U.S. Air Force, assigned to Hurlburt Field.

Michael enjoys serving his country, especially when he can meet and greet the people whose freedom he provides.

A Hurlburt Field airman who allegedly exposed himself to a woman at a Florida TJ Maxx store last month was arrested Friday and charged with indecent exposure.

Airman 1st Class Michael Leary, 20, followed and watched the victim from various areas of the Fort Walton Beach store, the arrest report from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Department said.

After the victim headed to the kitchen section, she found Leary — kneeling on the floor with his pants down in the store’s second aisle.

“The Defendant had pulled the front of his pants down and had his genitalia fully exposed to her,” the arrest report said. “The Victim left the kitchen area and notified a store employee who contacted law enforcement.”

What’s the problem here? Michael was simply trying to show the woman his MX missile.

Concrete Evidence Of Idiocy

Meet Jordan Mazurek, AKA Fat Aquaman, of Fort Worth, Texas. Jordan is a self-proclaimed sociologist who fights against “toxic prisons.” That said, Jordan is all for toxic concrete.

A man protesting the handling of coronavirus in state prisons was taken into custody Friday morning after he trapped himself in two concrete-filled barrels outside the Governor’s Mansion.

Jordan Mazurek, 28, was first seen outside the fence of the mansion in downtown Tallahassee around 6 a.m. He identifies himself on social media as a sociologist from Fort Worth, Texas, and the “national organizer and co-creator of the Campaign to Fight Toxic Prisons.”

Tallahassee police officers tried to talk Mazurek out of the protest, spokesman Kevin Bradshaw said. When they realized he was not going to stop, they began using jackhammers to remove the concrete in the barrels surrounding his hands. The process took about two hours. He was freed shortly after 10:30 a.m.

They probably should have jack-hammered more than the concrete, if you ask me.

Thank You And Do Not Come Again

An Indian man from Florida sent multiple fake orders to New Jersey pizzerias, an action which forced one restaurant to close. Let’s deport this piece of filth to Mogadishu.

New Jersey authorities filed criminal charges against a Florida man who allegedly made a series of calls to local pizza restaurants, placing huge (fake) orders on behalf of the local police and other first responders and then using subsequent calls to scream racial epithets.

South Brunswick Police said Sudeep Khetani, 34, of Orlando, allegedly committed more than a dozen instances of fraud, striking pizza parlors in three counties.

Way to go, Apu. Congratulations on winning the Medal of Douchebag.

Multiple pizzerias lost thousands of dollars on giant orders placed and then never picked up or paid for, South Brunswick Police Deputy Chief James Ryan told News 4 earlier this week. At least one restaurant closed after losing substantial money on a fake order, Ryan added.

In multiple cases, authorities said, Khetani allegedly screamed vulgar and racist abuse at Italian employees of the restaurants, wishing the coronavirus on them and telling them to go back to Italy.

So Sudeep – if that is his real name – not only hates cops, but he also hates Italians. I am puzzled, however, why this assclown isn’t ranting at Asians, since the Wuhan virus originated in, well, Wuhan.