The Gator Decided To Play Through

A Florida man captured video of an alligator walking across a golf course with a giant fish in his mouth. I mean, I’m a Florida Gators fan, but I doubt I want a gator walking across my golf hole before I putt. I suck at golf already.

A video shared on social media shows a large gator emerging from a pond with a fish in its mouth on a Florida golf course.

According to reports, Mike Murphy was playing golf with some of his friends at the Tara Golf and Country Club in Bradenton when the reptile walked across the fairway, all while carrying his lunch.

“Playing golf today…had to allow a gator to cross before we could finish the hole. Notice the big fish in his mouth,” captioned Murphy’s post on Facebook.

You can see the video at the link, especially the one golfer who walks toward the gator as it passes. Thought for sure he would have been a Darwin finalist.

“It’s Not Mine!”

Meet Patrick Florence of Clearwater, Florida.

This handsome devil was stopped by police last week for not having his headlights on. A search of the vehicle found a firearm and other interesting hidden items.

Patrick Florence, 34, was a passenger in the vehicle when the car was stopped by deputies with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office early Saturday morning at around 4 a.m. in Clearwater.

The officers stopped the vehicle when they noticed it did not have its headlights or tail lights on. The vehicle was searched by officers who found a gun under the passenger’s seat where Florence was sitting.

I mean, I’m sure the firearm was there long before Florence entered the vehicle. /eyeroll

Florence was then searched by officers, who found two baggies strapped to his penis with one containing cocaine and the other methamphetamine. He then denied the narcotics and weapon were his before he was arrested, police said. He was charged with four felonies including possession of cocaine, meth, ammunition and a firearm. (H/T – Al)

One wonders how he “strapped” the drugs to his penis. Did he use rubber bands, masking tape, Gorilla Glue? Someone help me out here.

Because Of Winn Dixie

A Florida man has died after being shot in Bradenton.

The irony here is at least one of his friends was nearby when the victim was shot, but his friend decided to transport the victim to someplace other than a hospital.

The Manatee County Sheriff’s Office is investigating the death of a 28-year-old man whose body was found outside Winn Dixie at 1910 53rd Ave E. in Bradenton.

Deputies responded to the grocery store Thursday around 6:30 p.m. and found the man, who had been shot, inside a parked vehicle, according to a news release from the sheriff’s office. The victim was pronounced dead at the scene.

They learned that the shooting happened about one mile away in the 6100 block of 10th Street E. Another man brought the victim to the parking lot before notifying law enforcement.

I mean, I guess Winn Dixie does sell bandages, but I’m fairly certain they do not have a trauma ward. Oh well, at least the friend gave it the ol’ college try.

Thanks much to William Teach’s The Pirates Cove for the link on his site.

Someone Call A Plumber

Meet Kathryn Trammel, of Seminole County, Florida.

Kathryn was having a good time at the Irish 31 restaurant when she and her friend decided to enter the bathroom and start, uh, “banging a gong.”

Investigators say that Kathryn Trammel, 37, caused $500 in damages Tuesday during an afternoon encounter inside a bathroom at Irish 31, an eatery in Seminole.

Trammel and a friend were asked to leave the restaurant after staff discovered them in the bathroom. “The defendant and her friend then left the bathroom and sat at the bar,” a sheriff’s deputy noted.

I sincerely hope the restaurant disinfected the chairs afterward.

Trammel, cops allege, subsequently returned to the bathroom. It was during this second trip that the sink was damaged. After being read her rights, Trammel reportedly said that, “her friend and herself were being intimate in the bathroom and as a result, caused the sink to break.”

Trammel, police reported, would not offer a further “explanation for how the sink was damaged.”

I’m no detective, but I would wager the sink was damaged after Kathryn was bouncing up and down on said sink. And before you ask, oh I would definitely plow her fields.

Killins Is The Perfect Name For This Dope

Meet Eric Killins, Jr.

Eric likes fast cars and fast women, which was obvious when the Florida Highway Patrol stopped him while traveling 136mph on a St. Petersburg bridge. It’s a miracle there weren’t any Killins.

Troopers arrested Eric Killins on charges of marijuana possession, unlawful racing and reckless driving.

Killins was taken into custody just before 1:30 a.m. Saturday at the Hillsborough County end of the Howard Frankland Bridge, an arrest report said. He was driving a gray 2015 Infinity G37.

This jackass was racing a Dodge Charger Hellcat, one of the fastest muscle cars around.

Killins admitted to racing another vehicle that was farther ahead, a blue Dodge Charger Hellcat. He was driving east on the interstate and went through a construction zone on the bridge before accelerating to speeds up to 136 mph.

Troopers estimated Killins passed about 50 cars on the bridge, one by veering onto the shoulder. He often was less than one car length from vehicles in front of him as he swerved in and out of moderate to heavy traffic.

The good news is no one was killed. The bad news is in today’s climate this poor oppressed thug is already out after posting $1,250 bail.

Pretty Girl Has A Pretty Long Record

Meet Nicole Gregory of St. Petersburg, Flori-Duh.

Nicole has a few issues with narcotics, and after she was arrested for alleged possession of methamphetamine, she decided to save money for a lawyer. She did so by selling drugs.

Nicole Gregory, 28, was busted after a sheriff’s deputy spotted her dropping a bag that held four baggies containing the synthetic opioid. “The defendant did intend to sell said substance,” the investigator alleged.

After being collared on a St. Petersburg street, Gregory reportedly admitted that she “sells the drug for $10 per ‘bump.’” Gregory then claimed she was “selling the narcotics to make money for an attorney for a pending drug charge.”

According to court records, Gregory was arrested last month for selling methamphetamine to an undercover cop. In August, she was charged with possessing fentanyl and meth.

Okay, Nicole is not exactly a MENSA candidate, but she certainly is pretty. Nicole, maybe next time, sell your body instead of selling drugs. There’s less chance someone will lock you up for that.

Uber Beats

Meet Michele Stillwell, a nurse – unbelievably – who spends her free time attracting patients for her to work on. In this case, she decided to choke an Uber driver for what appears to be no apparent reason.

A female passenger who choked and took a chomp out of the neck of an Uber driver today pleaded guilty to a pair of criminal charges in connection with the bloody, unprovoked attack.

Michele Stilwell copped to battery and disorderly conduct, misdemeanors for which she was sentenced to 18 months probation. Stilwell, a licensed practical nurse, was also fined $850, directed to undergo a mental health evaluation, and ordered to have no contact with Michael Hassey, the 23-year-old victim.

As reported in criminal complaints, Stilwell attacked Hassey from behind as he drove his Toyota near Stilwell’s St. Petersburg residence in mid-April.

Hard to believe someone from Florida would do such a thing…

While the car was moving, Stilwell “reached forward and proceeded to choke the victim from behind,” according to a sheriff’s deputy. As seen above, Stilwell initially choked Hassey with two hands before wrapping an arm around his throat.

As Hassey sought to pull over the car, Stilwell “managed to crawl forward onto the center console…and bite the victim deeply on the neck drawing blood.” She then scratched Hassey across the chest, “causing a large red in color mark with traces of blood visible.”

If there was any justice, Stilwell would walk across the street and get struck by an Uber driver.

She’s Cruzin’ For A Schmoozin’

Meet Heather Cruz, of Donnellon, FLorida.

Heather is a friendly girl, so much so that she entered a Citrus County residence, took off all her clothes, and started hugging and sitting on the residents inside.

A Florida woman was arrested Sunday after police say she walked into a Citrus County home and undressed herself before hugging and sitting on multiple people, including several who were 65 years or older.

Police say 35-year-old Heather Cruz, of Dunnellon, walked into the Citrus County home through a side door. Once inside, Cruz removed her clothing and exposed her genitalia before she grabbed and hugged the homeowner.

One wonders where she was placing her tips.

When Cruz was told to stop, documents say she sat on the lap of two other residents while naked, saying “you like it” to one of the victims.

I mean, psycho or not, what guy doesn’t want a naked woman sitting on their lap?

Feel Stories Of The Highway Patrol

Meet Summer Watkins and Yordan Noa of Naples, Florida.

Summer and Yordan – if that is his real name – are haplessly, hopelessly, helplessly in love, and when they were pulled over by the Florida Highway Patrol and placed into the cruiser, they started getting, uh, a little anxious.

Summer Watkins and Yordan Noa, 24, were seated in the police vehicle after Noa’s BMW was pulled over early Thursday since he was driving with a suspended license. Cops planned to transport the duo to nearby Shell station in Naples where they could “make arrangements to get home,” according to an arrest report.

When Noa joined her in the patrol car, Watkins asked a cop, “What if I suck his d*ck back here?” The officer replied that she could not do that. Watkins, however, persisted: “Can I suck his d*ck back here?” The officer responded, “No.”

This may shock you, but Summer does not take no for an answer. She does take other things, though.

When the cop closed the vehicle’s rear door and walked away for a few minutes, Watkins and Noa–neither of whom was handcuffed–engaged in sexual activity that was recorded by the “prisoner compartment camera.”

After Noa exposed his penis, Watkins began performing oral sex on him. Watkins, cops noted, “can be heard saying ‘f*ck Five-O’ while giving oral sex.”

Summer did not in fact f*ck the five-o, which means she’s just a liar, isn’t she?

Bring On The Water Works

The city of Miami, Florida is suspending construction of an underground garage after – get this – water keeps rising to the surface.

Miami building officials decided to pause construction of the city’s “deepest” subterranean parking garage to conduct a holistic engineering evaluation after a series of groundwater breaches and complaints from concerned Brickell residents.

Building an underground parking facility in a city which routinely suffers from hurricanes. Smart.

On Tuesday, an aerial view over the evacuation site showed the pooling of water in a different section of the cavernous pit where water bubbled to the surface on Friday in a second breach.

A spokesperson for Miami-Dade County’s Department of Regulatory & Economic Resources said Tuesday that the water “will keep coming into the site” until they fix “what’s known as the tremie seal.” They said that is an operational issue rather than an environmental violation.

I’m pretty certain the best “fix” for this is relocating Miami to the Midwest.