Florida Gonna Florida

In the span of a few days, one Florida highway saw a woman exposing her bra buddies, a man riding on a flatbed truck, and a Mini Cooper hauling furniture. For some reason, this is actually news at one Florida news station.

A woman was caught on camera exposing her chest to other drivers on I-75 in Collier County. The woman was seen pulling up her shirt, exposing her chest to other drivers on Friday.

This NEVER happens to me, dammit!

Within a week, drivers have been recorded hauling a couch with a convertible MINI Cooper and riding unsecured on the back of a flat-bed work truck. These drivers, in many cases, are putting their lives at risk and possibly could put you in danger.

I’m sorry, but has nobody in Florida ever heard of, “Hey, hold my beer?”

Well, Kiss Her Grits!

A Saint Petersburg woman was arrested after she allegedly struck her boyfriend with a pan and dumped scalding grits onto him. There is no report whether the grits were regular, creamy, or al dente.

Investigators say Dereise Johnson, 49, and the victim were arguing yesterday morning when she struck the man with a metal sauce pan inside the couple’s St. Petersburg residence.

“Contained within this pan was hot grits which spilled on the victim, causing a burn to his left arm,” a cop reported. The victim also required stitches for injuries to his head and face, the complaint notes.

Johnson was arrested and booked into the county jail for aggravated battery. She is being held in lieu of $5000 bond and has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with the victim.

Johnson’s lawyer, Vinny Gambini, argued that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in her kitchen than on any place else on the face of the Earth.

Charo Wept

The Broward County, Florida’s Facebook page wanted to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month – when is white people month, by the way? – and the county decided it would be a good idea to use a dancing taco in the post. Cuchi, cuchi!

Sept. 15 marked the start of Hispanic Heritage Month and a Florida county wanted to help celebrate with a social media post. But the GIF didn’t go over well.

A maraca-holding, dancing hard-shell taco image was posted to the Broward County government’s Facebook page Tuesday morning, sparking social outrage.

The post, taken down hours after the damage had already been done, said, “National Hispanic Heritage Month starts today! It beings on the 15th of September, to celebrate the independence of Latin American countries Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua. What are you doing to celebrate?”

Apparently they are turning away from the obvious cringe.

Instead of its audience sharing how they were going to celebrate, social media users shared their outrage over the insensitive graphic. And now, the county is being called out across national media outlets.

Their biggest mistake here was posting a photo of a hard taco. Soft tacos are superior, because they don’t crack into fifteen pieces the moment you take your first bite.

Putting The Cart Before The Hoarse

Meet Jessica Smith of West Roxbury, Massachusetts.

Jessica was vacationing in Dunedin, Florida, when she decided to take her golf cart out for a ride… at midnight… completely naked… through a crime scene.

While officers were involved in an armed standoff with a teenager, Jessica Smith, 28, drove past several patrol cars while behind the wheel of a golf cart. Smith allegedly ignored a police command to depart the area and continued to approach “the target house of where the armed suspect was on the roof.”

When Smith, police say, refused to exit the golf cart, she “was assisted out and handcuffed” around 12:05 AM. Smith smelled of alcohol and was “completely nude,” according to a criminal complaint charging her with obstruction, a misdemeanor.

One wonders if the armed teenager surrendered after seeing a naked Jessica drive past him.

And for the record, yes, like a screen door in a hurricane.

Mine Your Own Business

A few Florida beachgoers were sunning themselves on the sand when someone found something very fishy on the beach.

A section of Florida beach was evacuated Thursday after residents found land mines in the area.

The Indian River County Sheriff’s Office said residents found a mine against a sea wall in the South Beach area.

Luckily a wicked smaht resident brought a device cap to the scene.

Deputies said a second device cap was brought back by roadway by one of the residents.

Because who doesn’t want to carry around land mine parts?

The Air Force Bomb Squad removed both land mines without issues and they were taken to their base to destroy them.

Wow, the Chair Force responds to land mine calls? Do they land their fighters, plant some mines and head back off into the wild blue yonder?

Next Time, Wash Your Hands!

After nearly twenty-seven years in policing, I have seen shootings in all types of places; stores, cars, the woods, outside a church, etc. Having said that, I have never had the privilege of seeing a shooting inside a bathroom.

I reckon I need to move to Jacksonville.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office said two people were shot Saturday night in the bathroom of Morton’s Steakhouse at the Hyatt Regency Jacksonville Riverfront on Coastline Drive.

Yes, but how was the steak? Oh, I guess it was bloody. (I’m going to hell.)

It happened just after 10 p.m. Detectives add one victim was able to get away and was found on the ground at the intersection of Bay Street and Market Street. Officers said both victims were taken to a hospital and were in surgery. One victim is fighting for their life while the other is in stable condition.

Morton’s representatives stated the victims will not have to pay for the meal, as long as they give them a good review on Zagat’s.

Detectives said there was a private party going on inside Morton’s. They do not know if those involved were with that party, guests at the hotel or customers at the restaurant.

There are only three plausible motives here. First, the victims were standing at connected urinals instead of giving themselves a one-urinal space. Second, the victims dropped their pants all the way to the floor, exposing their asses. Third, the victims did not see a soap dispenser, and decided to wash their hands with the urinal cake.

I’m leaning toward number three.

Wear Two Vests When On The Water

Two Florida residents were shot – one critically – after an argument between jet skiers and boaters turned into a waterfront gunfight.

“You’ll never go in the water again!”

The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office says the quick response by deputies and a witness helped save the life of a man critically injured in a shootout between boaters and jet skiers.

The shooting happened last weekend on the St. Johns River in Astor, which is northwest of DeLand.

Unless you’re Martin Brody hunting for a Great White, who takes firearms on a boat ride?

Body camera video shows Deputy Wes Blum rushing to the dock to help a man who suffered from three gunshot wounds. He told deputies his wife had also been shot.

A man with training as a medic helped the deputy control the wounds until more paramedics arrived. Crews airlifted the man to the hospital in critical condition. The sheriff’s office said the man will survive, thanks to the immediate medical treatment he received on scene.

The boaters reportedly fled the area after shooting both jet skiers.

And You Thought Your Wedding Was Bad?

Meet Nicholas Ruthenberg of, well, you already know what state. Nicholas was married on Monday, and shortly thereafter, he was arrested for being under the influence after he struck an oncoming car.

Police charge that Nicholas Ruthenberg was driving the wrong way on a Vero Beach street late Monday afternoon when he struck a vehicle traveling in the opposite direction. Ruthenberg ran from the scene of the crash, which resulted in the hospitalization of the other driver for “neck, back, and leg pain,” cops reported.

Ruthenberg, who was subsequently arrested near the crash site, was acting erratically and “appeared as if he were under the influence of an unknown substance.” Upon arrival at the county jail, Ruthenberg declared “All hail Donald Trump” while failing a series of sobriety tests.

Well, I guess he can’t all bad, amirite?

Ruthenberg’s blood alcohol level was 0.0, prompting police to ask him for a urine sample to “determine the presence of chemical or controlled substances.”

As a cop prepared the urine test, Ruthenberg “started to take his pants off and then spread his buttocks. During which time he placed two fingers in his anus.” Ruthenberg was then placed back in handcuffs.

I mean, I guess it’s better than having the cops stick their fingers in there.

Ruthenberg, who lives about 15 miles from Vero Beach, is a registered Democrat, according to Florida voter records. The email address he provided when registering is ifarted69@gmail.com.

Wait, the drugged-up, felonious “All Hail Trump” guy is a Democrat? I am shocked. Shocked, I say!

Gator? I Hardly Know Her!

A Florida man was driving his tractor mower near a pond when he observed an alligator and a nest of eggs. Instead of turning around, the driver allegedly killed the gator and destroyed many of the eggs.

I mean, I get gators are aggressive, but what the hell?

A man operating a tractor mower is accused of dropping the mower blades on a 6-foot alligator and destroying an active gator nest in Daytona Beach, according to investigators with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

A witness told wildlife officials he saw a large tractor with a mower attachment clearing brush around a retention pond. The witness stated he saw the driver scare off a 6-foot alligator by hitting the water with the mower blades and then continue on. However, the alligator crawled back onto the bank and the tractor operator then turned around and drove back toward the creature.

The witness said the driver again tried to scare the alligator back into the water but when the alligator moved farther up the bank, the driver dropped the mower deck on top of the alligator. The alligator went back into the water where an FWC officer found it suffering from mortal wounds.

Steven Dariff was arrested and charges for killing the alligator and destroying the eggs.

You’re Not You When You’re Hungry

Meet Erick Minto of Clearwater, Florida.

Erick walked into a Wawa convenience store and asked the cashier for some free food. When he was rejected, Minto decided he would rob the store… for a Snickers bar.

A clerk told police that Erick Minto, 49, entered the Largo store late Tuesday night “asking for free food.” Minto, who lives in a Clearwater apartment eight miles from the Wawa, had his request denied by the worker.

At that point, Minto allegedly pulled out a folding knife, opened it, and pointed the weapon at the clerk while saying, “Don’t make me do something stupid for a Snickers bar.”

The victim handed Minto the candy “as he was in fear for his life,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Minto then departed the store, but left the Snickers behind on the front counter.

After all that – the argument, the knife pointing, and the felony – you left the Snickers bar on the counter?!! You colossal f**king dullard!