When Kung Pao Gets Real

Meet Bruce and Atlantis – Atlantis, are you serious? – Schell of Wildwood, Florida.

Bruce and his daughter Atlantis really enjoy their Chinese food, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when Bruce and Atlantis beat the hell out of Bruce’s son after he unintentionally ate Bruce’s Chinese food.

Investigators say that a melee broke out Friday evening at a residence in Wildwood, a Central Florida city adjacent to The Villages retirement community. The home is occupied by Bruce Schell, 51, his wife, daughter Atlantis, and his son, who cops identified at the battery victim.

As detailed in a Wildwood Police Department arrest report, the Schell family had “ordered Chinese food but the takeout containers were not labeled,” which upset Schell since he did not know “which container of food was his.”

Since most Chinese food cartons look alike, and no one’s name was on any of the cartons, how is the son supposed to know which food was which? But hey, don’t worry about that, just get to the pummeling!

Schell’s son, police reported, said that he argued with his father and sister over the Chinese food “due to the fact that the victim had eaten [his father’s] food unknowingly.” The dispute turned violent, the victim said, when his sister began punching him in the face. Schell then allegedly joined the fracas, putting his son in a chokehold.

Schell’s wife told cops she was in her bedroom when she heard “crashing and yelling in the kitchen area.” When she entered the kitchen, the woman recalled, she saw Atlantis, 25, pummeling the victim, who was being choked by Schell. The battering, the woman added, ended only after she called 911 for help.

Ironically, Bruce and Atlantis were full of fighting, but realized they were ready to fight again after about thirty minutes.

Fatty McButterpants Stabs Roommates

Meet Christina Adams, of Flori-Duh.

Christina had an argument with her two roommates, who asked her to leave the residence. Oh, no she didn’t! So instead of leaving the house, Christina “allegedly” stabbed both roommates with a knife.

The Marion County Sheriff’s Office said in a Facebook post that deputies responded to a 911 call from a person stating that he was stabbed, and once on the scene, officials found two people that appeared to have been stabbed.

Officials said that one of the victims told deputies on the scene that Christina Adams, 30, had stabbed both people and then left the area.

Apparently, this “woman” – she’s definitely a dude – has some serious anger issues.

Adams later told detectives that “she was angry over being asked to leave the home that she shared with the victims,” and grabbed a “large knife” and attacked the two people, police said. She also allegedly told officials that she attempted to destroy evidence at the scene.

After believing the victims were deceased, Adams told deputies that she put on new clothes and went shopping.

Well, if you’re going to nitpick, Christina already thought the roomies were dead, so why NOT go shopping? I mean, you want to look good for your mugshot, amirite?

Funnel Cloud Appears Over Disney World

A large funnel cloud appeared over Walt Disney World Thursday and was captured by a visitor to the park. Unfortunately, the funnel did not touchdown and wipe out Disney World forever.

Oh well, you can’t win them all.

A picture captured in Orlando Thursday shows a large, ominous-looking cloud forming over Walt Disney World’s EPCOT park.

The National Weather Service in Melbourne, referencing its close examination of pictures and video taken at EPCOT and around Walt Disney World, confirmed Thursday that a brief funnel cloud developed early in the evening. The NWS said no touchdown was reported.

Pretty sure I would be headed inside instead of watching a tornado roll through the area.

“Initially it was difficult to determine if the cloud was rotating from the video and pictures taken at EPCOT. Rotation is the factor that differentiates a funnel cloud from scud,” Kegges said. “Oftentimes, scud clouds resemble funnel clouds or tornadoes. Scud clouds are a type of fractus cloud, which is a jagged cloud that forms in the warm, moist area beneath a thunderstorm updraft.”

See, you learn something new every day, but it would have been great if WDW was destroyed.

So You Think YOU Had A Bad Day?

Meet Eric Merda of Florida. Eric got lost int he woods at Lake Mantee, and instead of walking around the lake, he decided to swim across. Unfortunately, the lake is a habitat for alligators.

Merda said on July 17, he got lost in the woods at the Lake Manatee Fish Camp in Myakka City. When he finally found the lake, he decided to swim across rather than walk around.

“I look over and there’s a gator on my right-hand side so I went to swim and she got my forearm so I grabbed her like this, she was trying to roll but she snapped her head so my arm went backwards like this completely,” said Merda who continued to fight for his life.

The alligator dragged him underwater three times. “She’s already got my arm, so when we came up the third time, she finally did her death roll and took off with my arm,” he explained.

Yeah, Florida may have the best governor in America, but those gators… no thank you.

That’s just where Merda’s story begins. He says he swam back to where he started and began to walk, wander, and scream for help.

“Bones poking out, muscles, if I try to move my fingers, you could see it twitching,” said Merda who couldn’t quite put the pain into words.

He says he spent three days trying to find his way out of the swamp.

It may not seem like it, but Merda is a very lucky man. It’s a miracle he didn’t die from the trauma.

Even The Animals In Florida Are Stupid

A Seminole County, Florida resident found a bear in his neighborhood with a jar stuck to his head.

A bear with a jar stuck on its head was spotted in Florida and wildlife officials are trying to capture it.

George Cheney told WESH 2 News that he spotted the bear in his neighbor’s trash. “With the jar on his head, he can’t eat, he can’t drink, and I don’t see how he’s getting a good breath,” Cheney told WESH.

Just catch the bear and drill a hole with a screwdriver. Duh!

“We’re not taking any chances. We’re trying to capture the bear. We’re putting the word out. We want people to call us,” Mike Orlando with FWC told the news station. “Once it’s past the ears, it’s almost impossible for them to get it off because the ears act like a locking mechanism and they can’t pull it off,” Orlando said.

For the record, when Kevin was younger – maybe three or four – he put a bucket on his head in the backyard. Funniest thing I ever saw, and I took off the bucket… after I took a photo.

The Kid Jumped Over The Moon Pie

Meet Ymani Bain of Daytona Beach, Florida. Ymani and her mother lost their collective minds when one of her kids took a Moon Pie without permission.

A Florida mother and grandmother are facing aggravated child abuse charges after police say she duct taped her children to a chair because one of them stole a Moon Pie snack they weren’t supposed to have.

Daytona Beach police arrived at the home of Ymani Bain, 30, after a report from the Department of Children and Families. The report stated that the children’s hands were taped behind their back and that the mother had wrapped one of the kids whole body in tape “because she was mad.”

Not gonna lie, Ymani is a fairly attractive woman, but has zero common sense.

Police reportedly spoke to one of the children prior to coming to the home, who told them that Bain had bound her and her sisters and brother to a chair as a punishment after one of them took a Moon Pie without permission. After interviewing the other children, the investigation found that one of them had been duct taped to a wall while the others were taped to a chair.

I’m actually fine with Ymani taping their kids to the chair, but taping someone to the wall is hilarious, er, a bridge too far. I mean, duct taping kids for taking a Moon Pie? Lame.

I could understand if the kids took some Cool Ranch Doritos…

Thanks to The Pirate’s Cove for the link. It’s a much better blog than mine.

I Thought The Jeffersons Was A Comedy

Meet Carla Jefferson, a gorgeous, knockout woman who has everything going for her. Unfortunately, this human slug does nothing all day but call and harass the St. Petersburg (FL) Police Department.

I mean, if you think 11,000 phone calls is considered harassment.

A Florida Woman this year has made more than 11,000 harassing phone calls to a police emergency communications center, according to cops who say the defendant admitted that she “loves playing this game.”

Carla Jefferson, 50, was busted Monday evening on a misdemeanor charge of placing a torrent of phone calls to the St. Petersburg Police Department and the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

You guys think I’m kidding when I get these calls. It isn’t just me; most departments in the country are swarmed with angry idiots yelling at us all day and night.

A criminal complaint alleges that Jefferson–during a single 24-hour period last month–called the police department’s emergency communications center 512 times.

Jefferson, investigators say, “harasses, belittles, swears at, argues with” police employees who answer her calls. “The content of these phone calls are vulgar, threatening, or obscene” and “contain extreme expletives, sexual innuendo, and belittling remarks to the communications staff,” according to a court filing.

Hey Carla, if you truly want to make a difference, start calling the American Gestapo.

A Very Publix Spectacle

Imagine you’re the manager of a Publix store. It’s opening day, the celebration begins, and shortly thereafter, a heavy thunderstorm comes through and floods your underground parking facility.

Welcome to Florida.

Just a few hours after a grand opening event for the new San Marco Publix, heavy rain and wind blew through Jacksonville Thursday afternoon — creating standing water in the parking garage below the store.

Obviously, this isn’t Publix fault; it’s just bad luck.

The San Marco area is prone to flooding, as locals know too well, so some shoppers said they are shocked that a better design wasn’t put in place to stop this from happening.

The new store, located at the corner of Atlantic Boulevard and Hendricks Avenue near San Marco Square, is in Evacuation Zone B – a flood hazard area.

The good news is Publix made a killing by charging the customers for using their swimming pool.

Django Unchained

Meet Brandon Wright of DeLand. Florida. Wright is the guy without clothing, eating palmettto berries, and carrying a machete. Ya can’t miss him.

A naked Florida man who was armed with a machete when he allegedly tried to steal another man’s clothes was arrested Monday morning at a DeLand gas station, according to the Volusia Sheriff’s Office.

Shortly before 10 a.m., deputies arrived to an area near the Volusia County Fairgrounds after a surveyor working in the area said the suspect – later identified as 34-year-old Brandon Wright – was picking palmetto berries in the woods, and suddenly approached him with a large machete-style knife and demanded his clothes, wallet and phone.

You’d think would demand the victim’s car before the clothes.

When the surveyor began to comply with Wright’s demands, Wright reportedly threw the machete at him, along with a handful of palmetto berries, before taking off into the brush and then into a white Dodge Challenger. Deputies said the handle of the machete bounced off the surveyor’s chest, leaving him uninjured.

I mean, if nothing else, Wright is definitely ripped… for a naked guy.

She Was Just Powdering Her Nose

Meet Elizabeth Espinoza of Ruskin, Florida.

Elizabeth was just driving down Interstate 75, minding her own business, when the Florida Highway Patrol pulled her over for window tint which was too dark. Anyway, the officers asked Espinoza to step out of the car, and the cops found some candy inside.

Elizabeth Espinoza, 27, was driving southbound on Interstate 75 in a 2016 red Dodge Journey on Tuesday when Florida Highway Patrol troopers in Sumter County noticed her SUV having windows that were described as being ‘too dark’, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

When they pulled her over, Espinoza, of Ruskin, became ‘overtly nervous.’

For the record, I think pulling someone over for “window tint” is a b.s. charge. Philly cops do this all the time to try to search a vehicle without a warrant.

Investigators according to the news release found 12 kilos (26½ pounds) of cocaine — with a street value of about $1.2 million — tucked away in the dashboard and other ‘voids’ in the back of the vehicle.

Espinoza was taken to Sumter County Jail on charges including possession of cocaine and trafficking in cocaine.

Espinoza is smirking in her mugshot because she probably knows the cartel won’t murder her until she gets out of prison. And believe me, after losing $1.2 million in cocaine, Espinoza is already on a hit list.