The Cat’s Name Was Pussy Galore

Meet Susan Freudenthal of Flori-Duh.

Karen, er, Susan was involved in an argument with her girlfriend inside their residence, when Susan decided to attack her longtime companion with a cat.

Police said things escalated after Susan Freudenthal, 53, and her girlfriend got into an argument at a home in Largo.

According to the report, Freudenthal took their cat, held it up to her girlfriend’s face and “swore on the animal’s life that she was not cheating.”

The animal was in distress and scratched her girlfriend, the affidavit said. The woman had multiple lacerations on her face.

I guess the kitty had cat-scratch fever. Ahem, I’ll see myself out.

Stripped To The Bone

A Flori-Duh woman attained infamous status after she claimed she was a relative of the kid who fell to his death at an Orlando amusement park.

A Florida woman who claimed to be the cousin of fall victim Tyre Sampson was fired from her job after being exposed as an alleged fraud, the Orlando Sentinel reported.

Sampson, 14, fell to his death from a drop tower ride at Orlando’s ICON Park on March 24.

The next day, Shay Johnson appeared at Sampson’s memorial in a T-Shirt with his photo on the front. She was holding a sign that said his life mattered and gave interviews with multiple news outlets, speaking as a representative of his family, according to the Sentinel.

Honestly, I don’t know what she thought she would be getting out of this? I mean, interviews don’t put money on the table, and no one was paying her for his b.s. statements.

According to the Sentinel, Browning was fired from her job at an adult entertainment club in Orlando, where she worked for five years.

The owner of Flash Dancers, William Sierer called her behavior “unconscionable.”

Wow, you’d think a stripper would have better morals.

Florida Gator Takes A Hike

Alligators will eat almost anything, so it was no surprise a Florida woman captured a photo of a gator carrying a football in its mouth in the Big Cypress National Preserve.

Alligators are not allowed to play professional football.

People that live near alligators know that they’ll often try to eat anything that can fit in their mouths. While this means people should be careful with small pets, it can also result in some hilarious images. Sandra Rayman Harrison posted a photo to Facebook that showed an alligator carrying a football around in its mouth.

“My concern is that somehow the football was wedged in such a way that the gator could not apply pressure to pop it,” she said. “The concern was also if the ball did pop, would it get lodged and kill the gator?”

Ironically, this gator still has more talent than Colin Kaepernick.

Funny, He Doesn’t Look French

Meet David Marsh of Lakeland, Flori-Duh.

David really likes to get it on with the ladies, but at 68-years old, he knows he has to pay for sex. So, he scoured the internet to find a woman of ill-repute and paid her a visit. The visit did not go as well as David would have liked.

A 68-year-old Florida man wearing a French maid’s outfit and a chastity belt was among dozens of alleged johns swept up in an undercover prostitution operation targeting suspects placing and answering online sex ads.

I absolutely had to post the photo. I apologize in advance.

The five-day crackdown by the Polk County Sheriff’s Office and the Lakeland Police Department netted 95 arrests and was highlighted by the collar of David Marsh, who told officers he worked for Home Depot.

According to cops, Marsh answered an online ad and “solicited the undercover female detective to dominate him.” Marsh, police say, rode his bicycle to a hotel where he met up with the undercover agent in her room. Marsh travels on a bike because he lost his driver’s license following a drunk driving arrest.

Look, I’m all for live and let live, but I’d like to think I would slow down a little when I’m 68-years old. This guy just goes full bore into depravity. By the way, David doesn’t have the legs to pull off the French Maid’s outfit.

***Many thanks to Mis. Hum. for the link at AOSHQ.

Track Runner Sucker Punched

A Florida high school track runner was sucker punched by a competitor as the race was in progress. The victim was leading the race when another runner punched him in the head, knocking him down onto the track.

New details are emerging from a viral video showing a high school runner being sucker-punched during a Florida track meet over the weekend. According to eyewitnesses who have come forward, the sucker punch occurred during the Tohopekaliga Tiger Invitational in Kissimmee on Saturday.

The witnesses describe a situation where the runner in white, who was leading the race, yelled at the athlete in the black uniform to move out of the way. According to the witnesses, when the race leader came around the next lap, the athlete in the black uniform got in the way of the race leader and stood on the track during what observers say was the 1,600m race.

The leader pushed the other high schooler out of the way and that’s when things escalated to a punch being thrown and dropping the race leader.

I ran track and cross-country for four years in high school, and I never thought to punch my competitors. Maybe I would have won some races if I did.

If you’re interested, the video is at the link. It’s pretty disgusting.

The Most Bizarre Accident Evah

A Florida man was killed after his vehicle struck an eleven foot alligator which was crossing the road. The gator was also killed.

John Hopkins, 59, was driving east on County Road 672 in Lithia, about two miles west of County Road 39, when he struck an 11-foot alligator in the roadway. Lithia is about 25 miles east of Tampa.

Wow, the man who died was named John Hopkins? Weird.

Hopkins’ car “veered off the road” and turned into a ditch, where a passing driver noticed it and called 911, the sheriff’s office said. Hopkins and the alligator were both deceased when detectives arrived on the scene.

What a terrible story, but the detectives did reward themselves with brand new luggage.

Shortest. Honeymoon. Evah.

Meet North Carolina newlyweds Stefanie Ginas and John Gerhard. Stefanie and John traveled to Florida for their wedding, and while the trip was fine, the post-wedding festivities left much to be desired.

Police were called early Sunday morning to the Hilton in Naples, where they encountered Stefanie Ginas, 32, in the hotel’s Salon room. Ginas’s wedding dress had “several blood spots down the front, and the left strap of her dress was torn,” according to a Naples Police Department report.

Ginas’s “face and chest were covered in blood, and she was crying,” cops noted. Ginas’s mother told officers that the newlywed was involved in “some sort” of altercation with John Gerhard, 43, the man Stefanie had married earlier that evening.

Maybe Stefanie just spilled wine on herself…

Ginas told cops the couple had quarreled about her brother while in their hotel room, and that the dispute turned violent. Ginas suffered a “bloody nose, busted upper lip, and swollen eye during the altercation,” police reported.

Gerhard, who said that his wife head-butted him, had a cut on the bridge of his nose, swelling on his face, and dried blood on his pants.

Now I’m not a Justice of the Peace, but if you’re beating your spouse hours after your wedding, you may not have made a good life choice.

Put A Tiger In Your Shank

A Flori-Duh man was mauled by a tiger after he entered an animal sanctuary enclosure without authorization. The man worked at the location, and still entered the cage.

The attack occurred at Wooten’s Everglades Airboat Tours in Ochopee, according to the Collier County Sheriff’s Office. According to Wooten’s website, the attraction includes an animal sanctuary that features two tigers, two lions, otters, turtles, crocodiles and alligators.

A caretaker was feeding a tiger in its enclosure when another worker who wasn’t authorized to be with the tiger entered the enclosure, deputies said. The tiger attacked the 50-year-old man and caused injuries to both of his arms.

Dude’s going to tell chicks he got these scars while kicking that tiger’s ass.

The tiger’s caretaker was able to safely contain the big cat, officials said. The tiger was not injured.

Really, ABC News? You think some fifty-year old guy was going injure a tiger?

Pickle Me This…

A Flori-Duh man was arrested after he was spotted lying sans pantaloons in someone’s driveway while pleasuring himself with a pickle.

You’d think the pickle juice would burn, but I guess this clown is used to it be now.

Eric Detiege, 47, of Tampa, was charged Sunday with exposure of sexual organs for the unappetizing display, according to the arrest affidavit obtained by the outlet. The arresting officer was at the time responding to reports of a suspicious person.

He ultimately found Detiege on private premises “lying flat on his back, no pants or undergarments on his bottom half,” according to the document.

This may shock you, but Mr. Detiege looks exactly as you would expect.

The Dumbest Story You’ll Read Today

Meet Renee Bolduc of Flori-Duh.

Renee has an ongoing feud with one Nicole Hosmer, and when Hosmer was seen walking “on Bolduc’s street,” Bolduc decided to shoot her… with a water pistol.

According to police, Renee Bolduc, 40, was inside her residence at the King of the Road mobile home park in St. Petersburg when Nicole Hosmer, 44, walked past the property.

Bolduc, cops allege, exited her home and stood on the porch, where she “took a water gun and squirted the victim in the face.” Hosmer “never went onto the defendant’s property nor did she make any aggressive statements,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Bolduc allegedly squirted Hosmer in the face because she “was upset the victim was walking on ‘her street.’” Hosmer lives a few lots away from Bolduc at the King of the Road development.

You’ll never guess what happened to Bolduc, because it’s too stupid to imagine…

Seen above, Bolduc was arrested for misdemeanor battery and booked into the county jail, from which she was released late Saturday after posting $500 bond. The water pistol was not seized by a sheriff’s deputy.

Wow, St. Petersburg must have zero crime if their police officers are arresting people for shooting someone with a water pistol. I’ll bet their juvenile jail is filled with craven ten-year old gunfighters who shoot their elementary school pals.