She Is Sparks-acus!

A Tampa, Florida middle school student was arrested this week after she was found peddling stun guns to her fellow classmates.

Well, if nothing else, I guess that’s one way to force teachers back into the classroom.

An 12-year-old Tampa student is facing charges this afternoon after she sold stun-guns at Coleman Middle School.

Good for her! It’s the perfect defense against leftist indoctrination.

According to the Tampa Police Department, a staff member at the school alerted the administration that the student had brought the stun-guns on campus.

Snitches get stitches. Or, in this case, they get electrified.

A School Resource Officer removed the student from class and she admitted to purchasing five electric stun-guns online and brought them to school to sell to other students later adding that she had sold three stun-guns on Feb. 25.

Yet another example of government snuffing out a small business. When will it end?

The girl was found to be in possession of two black Vipertek stun-guns. Police say there was no threat made to any individual or the school itself.

So, if I’m reading this correctly, Florida cops will do nothing when a student shoots up a school, but they’ll send a SWAT team to lock up a girl selling non-lethal stun guns. Sounds about right.

Riiiiight!

So I’m scouring teh innernetz for story ideas when this piece of nonsense popped up. Apparently this British guy sent a letter to an advice column, claiming his girlfriend only wants to have sex with him if her girlfriends can join in.

Excuse me if I am highly skeptical. Real life isn’t Cinemax.

Sometimes it feels like all my birthdays have come at once and other times I think she might be bored with me. My girl is gorgeous and all my mates envy me. Amazingly, her three besties are hot, too…

Translation: I’m not attractive and neither is my make-believe girlfriend, so I pretend a gaggle of broads beat down my door to hop on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

Then they sat next to me on the sofa and started running their hands all over my hair and body. I was on cloud nine. I asked my girlfriend what was going on and she told me to chill out and enjoy the ride.

Translation: I dreamed up this completely imaginary scenario while flying Spirit Airlines to fabulous Trenton, New Jersey. I would have inserted more details but I woke up when the stewardess asked me if I wanted peanuts or pretzels.

When I was in college, I had more than a few girlfriends. When I was in high school – especially senior year – I had a different girlfriend almost every other week. That said, nothing even close to this has ever happened to me, because fantasies like these never actually happen.

Alice In Führerland

Meet Alice Cutter, an alleged member of the terror group National Action, and interestingly, a former contestant of the Miss Hitler pageant. Hmm, I wonder who sponsors the contest? Pfft, probably those fascists at Chick-Fil-A.

Four neo-Nazi “diehards” are facing jail for being “active members” of the banned terrorist group National Action (NA). Alice Cutter and her former partner Mark Jones appeared at Birmingham crown court on Monday, along with Garry Jack and Connor Scothern.

Cutter, a former Miss Hitler beauty pageant contestant, and Jones, both of Sowerby Bridge in West Yorkshire, as well as Jack and Scothern were all convicted of having membership of a terrorist group, after a trial in March.

Dear Verizon FiOS, I spend hundreds of dollars a year for cable television and you clowns refuse to broadcast the Miss Hitler pageant? Cancel my subscription, post haste!

The 23-year-old, who entered the beauty contest as Miss Buchenwald – a reference to the second world war concentration camp – denied being a member, despite attending the group’s rallies, in which banners reading “Hitler was right” were raised.

Yes, everyone knows Hitler was right-handed, you racist anti-right-handed bastards! Look, I get Alice is likely a member of the NA terror group, and I realize entering the Miss Hitler pageant is not exactly something to put on a resume, but get this: Alice didn’t win the pageant. I guess she wasn’t Hitler enough for neo-Nazis.

Oh, and before you ask, yes, I’d probably hit that like the side of a tree on the forest moon of Endor.

It’s My First Day

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I give you the greatest employee the world has ever seen.

In Connecticut, police are trying to identify a man captured on surveillance camera stealing about $17,000 worth of merchandise from a gas station.

You read that right; the man stole $17,000 worth of items from the store, and then (I assume) he removed the items with a forklift or had a chopper land on the roof.

Cops say the guy got a job there, then proceeded to steal tens of thousands of dollars worth of stolen lottery tickets, cigarettes, and cash on his very first, and only, solo overnight shift.

Holy shit, that’s freakin’ epic! Most embezzlers wait a while – like their third or fourth day – until they start stealing the business blind. Kids, look up to this American hero. Soon we will all be singing songs about him and his works.

Then, the suspect disappeared.

Oh my God, is he Batman?

The man also stole his employment folder, which contained his personal information, so the store’s owner does not even know the worker’s name, Hamden police said in a statement Tuesday.

Congratulations dude, you’ve literally committed the perfect crime. I tip hat to you, and if you’re ever in the neighborhood, please… teach me!

She Is Woman, Hear Her Score

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the NFL is about to be saved! Several teams have allegedly asked U.S. soccer player Carli Lloyd to kick field goals for them during a preseason game! It’s an amazing development that’s totally not a publicity stunt, or an effort to cultivate SJW fans!

Carli Lloyd has been offered the chance to make history by becoming the first woman to play in a National Football League preseason game, her trainer James Galanis told FOX Sports on Monday.

I’ve literally never been more excited to embrace the NFL!

Lloyd was approached by multiple NFL teams after a video of her kicking a 55-yard field goal on a visit to a Philadelphia Eagles training session last week went viral. One of those teams, Galanis said, presented soccer legend Lloyd with the opportunity to be part of the roster and see actual game time.

The term soccer legend is often overused, but Carli Lloyd is arguably a better player than Pele, Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, and Wayne Rooney… combined!

However, while Lloyd was genuinely interested, the matchup on Thursday conflicted with a United States women’s national team game against Portugal. Galanis declined to name the football team in question. Each of the 32 NFL teams have their final preseason exhibition games on Thursday.

Dang, it’s a shame the spry, 37-year old Lloyd couldn’t capitalize on such a terrific offer. I was all ready to purchase my Philadelphia Eagles Lloyd jersey.

Perfect Strangers

The University of Pennsylvania is one of the most prestigious colleges in the world. Founded by Benjamin Franklin right here in my hometown, many of their graduates go on to become titans of industry.

Their in-house scientists, however, become masters of the obvious.

A new study, led by scientists at Penn Medicine, seeks to understand our brain’s response to people with facial abnormalities, such as scars, birthmarks, dysplasia and other “deformities.” Their findings, published in Scientific Reports, show an inherent bias against the “disfigured” and innate preference for the conventionally attractive.

You know, I could have come to this conclusion in thirty-five seconds for a third of the stipend these “scientists” received. Of course, I would have used said stipend to attend nudie bars for a month. You know, for research purposes.

Previous neuroimaging studies have shown that attractive faces trigger more substantial responses in the reward, empathy, and social cognition sectors of the brain, compared to readings taken from more average faces. This study digs deeper by focusing on disfigured faces and analyzing whether surgical solutions mitigate the negative response.

“In order to right any discrimination, the first step is to understand how and why such biases exist, which is why we set out to uncover the neural responses to disfigured faces,” Chatterjee says.

The biases exist because people – not just here, but across the globe – learn at an early age their community’s definition of beauty. Usually, but not always, those men and women filter their choices through that particular prism. For example, fat people like me are usually seen as unattractive, and I am getting really tired of being hit with tomatoes.

Scientists: Tweets Make Twits

A scientific study completed by Italian researchers claims people become less intelligent after using Twitter.

I sincerely hope this is not true, because my life force has been steadily draining since I quit Twitter. It’s the bestest!

New evidence shows [Twitter] may be inflicting harm at an even more basic level. It could be making its users, well, a bit witless. The finding by a team of Italian researchers is not necessarily that the crush of hashtags, likes and retweets destroys brain cells; that’s a question for neuroscientists.

Rather, Twitter not only fails to enhance intellectual attainment but substantially undermines it, the economists said in a working paper published by the economics and finance department at the Catholic University of the Sacred Heart in Milan.

“It’s quite detrimental,” Gian Paolo Barbetta, a professor of economic policy at the private research university and the paper’s lead author, said. “I can’t say whether something is changing in the mind, but I can say that something is definitely changing in the behavior and the performance.”

So wait a minute; all those “hot takes” from rocket surgeons like Jake Tapper, Alyssa Milano, and AOC make people dumber? The hell, you say!

The Tortoise And The Hair

Just when you thought it was safe to approach the TSA… While people of all colors think the TSA’s new full-body scanners are annoying, black women are apparently the most offended. For good reason..

Black women have been raising alarms for years about being forced to undergo intrusive, degrading searches of their hair at airport security checkpoints. After a complaint five years ago, the TSA pledged to improve oversight and training for its workers on hair pat-downs.

But it turns out there’s an issue beyond the screeners: the machines themselves.

The full-body scanners that have become standard at airports across the United States are prone to false alarms for hairstyles popular among women of color.

Well, to be fair, if they all shaved their heads they wouldn’t have this problem. What? I’m just sayin’. By the way, if Tyra Banks or Vivica Fox set off an alarm, I will be more than happy to pat them down.

You’re Gonna Love My Nuts!

Scientists are now claiming eating nuts can help your nuts. No, the scientists aren’t nuts.

Recent research has shown adding a mix of certain nuts in your diet, including almonds, can boost sperm quality and support male fertility.

The study, funded by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, revealed that almonds, along with other tree nuts, are the best types of nuts to help support male fertility. The researchers found eating 60 grams or two portions of nuts daily, including almonds, “significantly improves” total sperm count and the vitality, motility and morphology of the sperm.

Sperm motility refers to the sperm cells’ ability to swim; sperm morphology refers to the size and shape of sperm. The study, based on a 15g portion of almonds, a 15g portion of hazelnuts and a 30g portion of walnuts mixed together, showed similar sperm quality results as previous walnuts-only research, but with a 16 per cent increase in sperm count.

I’m a big fan of pistachios and cashews, which probably explains why I have four kids.

Human, Please Insert Your Fleshy USB

The fine people at Big Sexbot are working on a new skin which will make the robot feel a human’s touch. While this may be fine for the robot, the clammy hands brigade may not appreciate Big Sexbot’s efforts.

SEX robots will soon be able to ‘feel’ a human’s touch with a new ‘smart skin’ making cyber love more realistic.

Great, so I can pay thousands of dollars to disappoint a robot instead of a human now.

The TouchYou is the latest development in sex-related technology that will supposedly make sexual interactions between humans and sex dolls more natural.

Yeah, there’s nothing more natural than short-circuiting your partner when it comes in contact with your… um… goop.