Jeff Flake, Socratic Statesman

Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears! Senator Jeff Flake – one of America’s greatest orators – took to the Senate floor Wednesday, giving a speech which warmed hearts and stimulated minds.

Arizona lawmaker Jeff Flake compared Donald Trump to Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin, delivering a blistering attack on the president to a nearly empty Senate chamber.

‘It is a testament to the condition of our democracy that our own president uses words infamously spoken by Josef Stalin to describe his enemies,’ Flake said, citing a Trump tweet in which he branded five news outlets ‘the enemy of the American people.’

Finally, the Lincoln of our time has awakened us from our slumber! I urge all conservatives to drop what they are doing and pick up the mantle for Senator Flake. We can take our country back from this Stalinist president; a man who has already murdered millions of… oh wait, Trump did nothing of the sort. Maybe that explains this…

Only two senators, Democrats Dick Durbin of Illinois and Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota, attended the 15-minute speech that was highly anticipated by reporters and editors.

Flake announced, and re-announced, this epic speech for days now, and the only ones who bothered to show were little Dick Durbin and Amy Klobuchar? Hmm, I guess the other ninety-seven senators were home washing their hair.


Show Me Your Warhol

The Louvre has rejected a piece of ass art from display because the work is “sexually explicit.”

The Louvre has withdrawn a large installation by a Dutch art and design collective for being sexually explicit — right on the heels of the Guggenheim’s decision to pull three controversial artworks from its upcoming China show.

The piece — “Domestikator” by the collective Atelier Van Lieshout — was to go on view on Oct. 19 in the Louvre’s Tuileries Gardens as part of Hors les Murs, a public art program organized by the Fiac contemporary art fair.

A spokeswoman for the Louvre said that the choice of the works exhibited in the Tuileries Gardens within the framework of the Fiac is made by three committees.

“The work ‘Domestikator’ was presented after these commissions,” which didn’t allow for a discussion of the “presentation in the garden collegially.”

From the looks of it, the work should be placed near the Tappan Zee Bridge.

The Great White Grope

A gaggle of gentlemen swarmed a sex robot at a European tech fair, and they left it looking like Jodie Foster from The Accused.

You see, this is why we can’t have nice things.

‘The people mounted Samantha’s breasts,’ complains the owner of a £3,000 ‘intelligent’ sex doll which was left ‘heavily soiled’ after being shown off at a tech fair. Samantha’s developer Sergi Santos from Barcelona, Spain said that people at the Arts Electronica Festival in Linz treated the doll ‘like barbarians’.

The doll – which reacts intelligently to touch, and talks – was left filthy and broken by the never-ending male attention, and has now been sent off for repair.

Santos complained, ‘The people mounted Samantha’s breasts, her legs and arms. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled. People can be bad. Because they did not understand the technology and did not have to pay for it, they treated the doll like barbarians.’

In fairness, look at the way she’s dressed. She was obviously asking for it!

Stories like these make me yearn for the end of humanity. If guys have no problem destroying – and “soiling” – a $3,000 sex robot, what would they do in a car dealership or during a rental showing?

Apparently The Laying Isn’t Staying

A new study was recently released which claims one-third of American women are not interested in sex.

Amazingly, the same study found fifteen percent of American men were also not interested in shagging. I call these men “Obama voters.”

About 15% of men and 34% of women say they’re not interested in sex, according to a new study, statistics that few experts find surprising. In fact, low desire in one partner is probably the top reason couples seek out sex therapy.

Any number of factors can affect sexual desire, and most of them have little to do with your partner’s attractiveness. In the study I mentioned, researchers found that for both men and women, physical and mental health had an impact on libido. But they may have different motivations for avoiding sex.

That’s a fair assessment. My main reason for avoiding sex is because the woman refuses to have it with me… or threatens to obtain a restraining order.

California Reamin’

A California man was none too pleased when a UPS delivery driver left his package in the most inopportune of places.

A man in California says he was trapped in his own fifth-floor apartment this weekend after a delivery driver left a package in the worst possible place.

Jessie Lawrence claimed via Twitter on Sunday that a UPS worker left a tall rectangular box just under the handle of his Bay Area flat’s front door. It blocked the handle from turning and he “had to call maintenance to get out,” he tweeted.

Dude. One has to have the intelligence of bread mold to wedge a package under the door handle. Either that, or the customer acted like a douche the last time a package was delivered.

Ironically, the package contained a gross of door stoppers.

Thank You, Come Again

The stereotypical Indian male – Slurpee Indian, not Casino Indian – is usually seen as a timid, polite gentleman who works hard and dotes on his family. Florida’s Devbir Kalsi is ruining the curve.

The woman, who has not been named, was held in her home against her will by her husband, Devbir Kalsi, 33. Police said his parents had flown to his home to participate in the abuse.

Wow, that’s awesome. You rarely find a group of people committed to doing things as a family anymore.

Investigators believe Kalsi and his parents, Jasbir and Bhupinder Kalsi, had been abusing the woman for a long period of time.

Kalsi struck her “repeatedly and forcefully” and when the woman attempted to defend herself, his parents began hitting her too, leaving bruises on her face, neck and torso. She was found with bruises all over her body and told officers that her phone had been taken away and that a knife had been held to her throat.

The article does not show the victim’s face, but she does look like she is an attractive woman. Beating her for disobedience is senseless, and it’s not going to make the sammich arrive any quicker.

“Sperm’s Not Here, Man”

A new medical study out of Britain claims frequent use of marijuana can have a debilitating impact on male user’s sperm. Not only arre sperm counts affected, but sperm function is also retarded.

Men who smoke too much marijuana could face fertility problems because the drug makes sperm ‘mellow’ causing it to ‘swim in circles’.

Cannabis – which is the most widely-used illegal drug in Britain – tends to leave users feeling chilled out and relaxed. But now researchers have revealed that it has the same effect on sperm and regular weed smoking can cut counts of the cells by as much as a third.

Dr Victor Chow, of the University of British Columbia in Canada, said: ‘The weight of the ­evidence is that marijuana ­probably has a negative impact not only for sperm counts but sperm function.’

My sperm cells are very lazy; not because I smoke weed – I don’t – but because after four kids, the swimmers don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

Ching For Your Supper

The first rule of working in retail is “the customer is never named Ching Chong.”

A New York restaurant is getting chewed out on social media after an employee referred to an Asian customer as “Ching Chong” on a receipt.

The woman went to Cornerstone Cafe and ordered steak and eggs to go on Aug. 16. When she looked at the receipt, she noticed that a server, identified only as “Rubi,” used the racial slur “Ching Chong” as the customer’s name.

So the customer found a chink in the fired employee’s armor. If nothing else, she should keep her chin up, and not take a slanted view of the world.

Editor’s note: This post is categorized as sarcasm, please read it accordingly.

Save The Whales, Fire A Stripper

Guys – and ladies, obviously – the next time you are at the nudie bar, be careful when you’re rubbing against some glitter-smothered stripper. Apparently you could harm the environment, and not in the creepy herpes chlamydia fashion.

Oh no, in this case you may be killing Flipper.

The shimmery allure is understandable – humans are attracted to the shiny and the beautiful. The problem is, although we’ve been playing with this since back when we stuck it to paper with pritt stick, glitter may not be as innocent as it seems.

While it only lasts a day on our skin, it lasts a lot, lot longer in our oceans. That’s because most glitter is pretty much just tiny reflective pieces of plastic, or micro plastics. That’s what gives it its distinctive shimmer.

When washed off, these little bits of plastic end up in the water where they never break down. And that’s really bad news for aquatic life.

The good news is that hot little minx Ariel will be set for life in the glitter department.

In Canada, No One Is Poutine Out

Despite its seemingly pleasant disposition, its dreamy Prime Minister, and its miles and miles of snow-kissed plains, Canada is not a hotbed of sexual satisfaction.

Lucia O’Sullivan, a psychology professor at the Fredericton university, said more than three-quarters of young men and women struggle with bad sex lives — with one or more “persistent and distressing” problems in sexual functioning.

The problems are directly related to the performance of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“We have this image that partnered sexual life for young people, particularly at the beginning, is fun, pleasurable and really hedonistic,” she said Wednesday. “But what we found once we started tracking them over time is that many young people have sexual problems they are dealing with.”

Common problems for men included low sexual satisfaction, low desire and problems in erectile function, while women reported an inability to reach orgasm, low satisfaction and pain.

Yeah, my former girlfriends has problems with pain, if you known what I mean… the pain of having to deal with my unruly back hair and shriveled dingus.