In Canada, No One Is Poutine Out

Despite its seemingly pleasant disposition, its dreamy Prime Minister, and its miles and miles of snow-kissed plains, Canada is not a hotbed of sexual satisfaction.

Lucia O’Sullivan, a psychology professor at the Fredericton university, said more than three-quarters of young men and women struggle with bad sex lives — with one or more “persistent and distressing” problems in sexual functioning.

The problems are directly related to the performance of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“We have this image that partnered sexual life for young people, particularly at the beginning, is fun, pleasurable and really hedonistic,” she said Wednesday. “But what we found once we started tracking them over time is that many young people have sexual problems they are dealing with.”

Common problems for men included low sexual satisfaction, low desire and problems in erectile function, while women reported an inability to reach orgasm, low satisfaction and pain.

Yeah, my former girlfriends has problems with pain, if you known what I mean… the pain of having to deal with my unruly back hair and shriveled dingus.

Heil Fashion!

A New York clothing manufacturer is partying like it’s 1939.

Teespring is hawking t-shirts emblazoned with swastikas in an effort to “take back” the symbol. Obviously, this news generated a lot of führer.

The US-based clothing website Teespring is selling T-shirts and sweatshirts branded with swastikas, aiming to make them a “symbol of love and peace.”

The designs, created by KA Designs and sold on the site, all display large swastikas in the front. One shows the Nazi-associated symbol in rainbow colors with the word “peace,” another one with the word “zen,” one reading “Love” and a third design, in black, shows a spiral of swastikas. They range in price from $20 to $35.

“Here at KA we explore boundaries. We push them forward,” the company wrote as a description for the products. “Let’s make the swastika a symbol of Love and Peace. Together, we can succeed.”

If this idea creates a sales blitz, the company is considering making swastika shoes next. Buyers can tie them with little Nazis.

Casey Jones’ Locker

A CSX train derailed yesterday near Hyndman, Pennsylvania, causing a hazmat spill and a house fire. Residents of the immediate area – most wearing wife beaters and cutoff jeans – were evacuated.

The accident happened in Bedford County on Hogback Road near the town of Hyndman. Six cars came off of the tracks, and one of them crashed into a home and started a fire in a garage.

Liquid petroleum gas and possibly liquid asphalt were being carried in some of the train cars that derailed.

Hey, kiss my asphalt! Normally, a hazmat spill would be alarming, but if you ever spent time in Bedford, Pennsylvania, you’d realize a hazmat leak would be a step up for the population’s gene pool.

The Curt Locker

No one would ever accuse me of being the world’s greatest parent. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should have kids, but at least I’m not these people

A Chinese couple have caused an outcry after allegedly leaving their child inside a locker at a public bathhouse.

Shocking video has emerged showing the mother pulling the crying toddler out of the wooden cabinet. It’s suggested that the couple had left their toddler in the locker because they did not want to look after the child while they bathed.

It remains unclear if the child is a boy or a girl, or how long the child had been left in the locker.

God, this is truly despicable. Everyone knows you leave your toddler in the towel bin; it’s more comfortable and the towels muffle the cries. Oh wait, I’ve said too much.

Daft Spunk

The Centers for Disease Control have released a study which claims HIV-infected men can now safely impregnante women without infecting the child.

Before those affected can go all Johnny Appleseed on interested broads, they first have to clean the pipes.

For many years, the CDC said it was too risky for HIV-infected men to have unprotected sex with uninfected women since that is one way the virus spreads.

On Thursday, the agency published a new set of guidelines saying the risk of infecting of the baby is negligible if the man undergoes a process called ‘sperm-washing’, which can eliminate the virus from seminal fluid.

What a coincidence; I have been dumping my seed into our family’s washing machine for years! Hey, don’t knock it; our clothes have never been softer.

Complete And Utter Nunsense

The world’s greatest director is about to outdo himself yet again. If you, like me, believe Basic Instinct was an American classic, hold on to your hats. Or in this case, your habits.

“Basic Instinct” director Paul Verhoeven is making a film about a lesbian nun with miraculous powers who falls in love with another sister.

The veteran Dutch film-maker is working on a drama called the “Blessed Virgin.” The producers said it is based on the life of 17th-century Italian nun Benedetta Carlini, who caused a sensation when she claimed to see visions of Jesus Christ.

If my statistics are correct, the pr0n industry has gone down this road exactly 16,954 times already – and the scripts have been exponentially better than anything Verhoeven can churn out.

Front Toward Enemy

A Texas rocket surgeon was pronounced dead Monday after demonstrating how to use the safety on his loaded gun. Brainiac did so in a most unusual way.

A man who died after shooting himself while showing his friend how to use the safety on his gun has been identified as Goran Banjac, 37, of Fort Worth, according to the Tarrant County medical examiner.

Officers arrived about 5 p.m. Monday at Banjac’s home in the 4800 block of Madyson Ridge Drive.

A 911 caller reported that his friend was holding the gun to his own head when he pulled the trigger and it discharged, said Officer Jimmy Pollozani.

Oh Darwin, you so silly. For shit’s sake, dude, you are well, were – from Texas. How does a Texan not know about gun safety!

I would say Banjac blew his brains out, but the article claims he placed the gun to his head, not his ass.

A Tough Break

After Katarina Witt – mmm… Katarina – my favorite figure skater is Kristi Yamaguchi. She’s an amazing skater, a fabulous babe, and has great taste in men. (She married NHL defenseman Bret Hedican.)

That said, Kristi occasionally has problems with teh Twitterz.

Former Olympic figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi sent well-wishes to fellow former Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan on Twitter and her wording was… questionable.

Kerrigan, who is currently participating in this season of “Dancing With The Stars,” had her first performance on the show on March 20th, leading Yamaguchi to wish her luck.

This was clearly an innocent tweet, not meant to invoke or reminisce on harm. Yamaguchi and Kerrigan are friends…

Well, they were. This in unintentionally high-larious, but it would have been ever funnier if Tonya Harding sent the tweet.

I Cannot Tell A Lie; You’re Stupid And Ugly

A Virginia psychotherapist believes we would all be happier if we simply told the truth. Always.

The movement was founded by a sixty-six-year-old Virginia-based psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. He says everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough — a world without fibs — but Blanton goes further. He says we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it.

Maybe there’s something to it. Especially for me. I have a lying problem. Mine aren’t big lies. Mine are little lies. White lies. Half-truths. The kind we all tell. But I tell dozens of them every day. Maybe a couple of weeks of truth-immersion therapy would do me good.

The author tried being radically honest, and while he received a few “F**k yous,” he also earned an appreciation of the art form.

Once again, I felt the thrill of inappropriate candor. And I felt something else, too. The paradoxical joy of being free from choice. I had no choice but to tell the truth. I didn’t have to rack my brain figuring out how to hedge it, spin it. (H/TAOSHQ)

As someone who has spent a lifetime telling people what they don’t want to hear, I believe everyone should embrace this policy. I’d go into further detail, but to be radically honest, I don’t feel like posting more, so I’m going to go play World of Tanks.

Hard Wired

icon-smart-condomA British tech company is taking gland-to-gland combat into the 21st Century with the release of their smart condom.

The self-described “world’s first smart condom,” i.Con, allows users to track their speed, velocity, and caloric burn during sexual intercourse.

Does it warn you before you’re about to bang an ugly chick, because that should be the prime directive of a smart condom.

“Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse?” asks i.Con on their product page. “How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?”

Oh absolutely, because my greatest desire is having a woman tell me how small I am compared to some dude in Botswana.

The “smart condom,” however, isn’t a condom. According to the product page, “it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again.” (H/T – Redneck Geezer)

So ladies, your only concern is knocking boots with a serial man-whore refuses to wash the ring.

Continue reading Hard Wired”