Selfish Man Impugns Upright Corporation

When I am stressed and feeling down, nothing warms my heart than stopping by my local Starbucks coffee shop. My favorite barista, Melanie, is a pansexual socialist working her way toward a master’s degree in womyn’s studies. She always makes my coffee how I like my women – black, bitter, and preferably fair trade. It truly pains me to see her company receiving negative press. Truly.

Just two weeks before Starbucks is set to close thousands of locations for “racial-bias education,” for its employees, the coffee company is once again facing scrutiny after a barista at a store in La Cañada Flintridge, California, targeted a Hispanic customer with a racial slur.

Pedro, who asked not to be identified by his last name, ordered two coffees from the cafe and received his order with the word “beaner” on both cups in place of his name, he told NBC4’s sister station, Telemundo 52.

“It’s an offensive word used towards Latinos,” he said.

Actually Pedro, if that is your real name, “Beaner” describes the millions of Starbucks customers who simply adore their special coffee beans. I’m a beaner, and my friends are beaners. To attack a fine, upstanding corporation like Starbucks seems like a pathetic attempt at self-promotion. Frankly, it’s sad.

Please pay no mind to the Pedros of the world. Starbucks is a beacon of virtue in a less virtuous world.

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Jeff Spicoli Would Be Proud

The Boston suburb of Holliston locked down their high school after administrators received an alleged bomb threat. The threat was later found to be something befitting higher education.

Holliston police received an anonymous call Friday morning reporting that a student at the local high school had, as they heard it, a “bomb” in their car. They reacted swiftly, notifying Holliston High School administrators, working with school officials to cordon off the school parking lot, and pulling the suspected student out of class.

However, it appears the call connection may have been a bit, ahem, clouded.

School, police, and fire department officials, through interviews and “other electronic means,” were able to identify both the anonymous caller and the student who was suspected to have the supposed bomb in their car. But when school officials interviewed the caller, the student “immediately, emphatically and convincingly” told them that they had called to report a “bong” in the other student’s car, not a “bomb.”

In fairness, we should lock down schools for bong scares. Can you imagine what would happen if high school kids ever discover marijuana? Governments will fall, anarchy will reign!

We’re Shiving Here In Allentown

Stop me if you heard this before; a pair of lesbian twins were arrested after threatening to stab their exes at the same time in the same residence.

Authorities charged Nikita Bonilla and Natasha Dejesus-Bonilla in connection to the alleged attack that occurred late last week inside an apartment in the 300 block of North 14th Street in Allentown. District Judge Michael Pochron arraigned the sisters, setting bail for each at $10,000.

Nikita Bonilla? Wasn’t that an 80’s Madonna song?

Allentown police were dispatched to the North 14th Street apartment about 1 a.m. last Friday to investigate a reported domestic incident involving a weapon. When officers arrived, they identified the 23-year-old sisters as the “aggressors.”

Wow, that’s hot.

One victim reported she had been in a relationship with Bonilla, who had come to the apartment to gather her belongings. After a “disturbance” broke out, Bonilla allegedly grabbed a pair of kitchen scissors and cornered her by the front door.

You know, I heard lesbians were into “scissoring,” but I had no idea they used real scissors. Honest go Vishnu, pr0n has literally taught me nothing.

Dejesus-Bonilla, meanwhile, was also at the apartment to gather her personal belongings, when she allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and threatened her ex. That victim was cornered on the couch as Dejesus-Bonilla and Bonilla allegedly threatened to take turns stabbing her.

And to think, most parents spend their entire lives working to get their children to share.

Tatum Ordeal

This is a stupid little post, but it’s been an awfully busy at work, and I don’t have the energy to post something awesome this early in the day.

Actors Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan are filing for divorce, because one idiot’s ego is larger than the other’s.

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan have been separated for months, and ‘fell out of love’ after Dewan struggled to accept the demands on her husband’s time that his success entailed.

The statement sought to head off speculation about infidelity, saying, “There are no secrets nor salacious events at the root of our decision.”

However Page Six reports that ‘deep divisions’ had opened up between the couple, who are both 37 and have been married nearly nine years, “about the time they were spending apart” owing to the stellar progress of Channing’s career.

It’s difficult to blame Jenna here. A little friendly competition is a healthy thing, but how can a woman compete with the man who brought us Magic Mike XXL? Besides, after Channing won back-to-back Academy Awards for 21 Jump Street, and the epic 22 Jump Street, I imagine Jenna – our generation’s Audrey Hepburn – would feel a little sting.

Video Killed The Media Star

In the wake of the Parkland shootings, most politicians and media elites have literally lost their minds. While championing the banning of guns, ammunition, and harsh language, these scolds are now discussing banning video games. Sadly, many of the scolds are of the moderate RINO squish variety.

The White House hosted a meeting Thursday to discuss the most dangerous threat to America — violent video games. President Trump’s administration even released a video to highlight how violent today’s games are.

Video games have been blamed for mass shootings ever since Columbine, and many conservatives have argued they need to be further restricted or flat-out banned in the wake of the Parkland shooting.

We put our kids at too much of a risk by allowing games like Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto to exist, so the argument goes.

But there are already restrictions in place to keep kids from buying graphic violent. In order to purchase a game rated Mature, you have to be at least 18. It’s not like 10-year-old can just walk out of a store with the game that allows them to chainsaw innocent civilians.

Now, now, before we blow off this argument, I should give full disclosure: last weekend I killed dozens of Russians, Germans, Japanese, and even Americans while playing World of Tanks. In fact, I have purchased my own Sherman tank to continue my killings to feed my insatiable bloodlust. I sincerely hope “principled conservatives” like Bill Kristol and Jonah Goldberg don’t fined me out.

Idiots.

Jeff Flake, Socratic Statesman

Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears! Senator Jeff Flake – one of America’s greatest orators – took to the Senate floor Wednesday, giving a speech which warmed hearts and stimulated minds.

Arizona lawmaker Jeff Flake compared Donald Trump to Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin, delivering a blistering attack on the president to a nearly empty Senate chamber.

‘It is a testament to the condition of our democracy that our own president uses words infamously spoken by Josef Stalin to describe his enemies,’ Flake said, citing a Trump tweet in which he branded five news outlets ‘the enemy of the American people.’

Finally, the Lincoln of our time has awakened us from our slumber! I urge all conservatives to drop what they are doing and pick up the mantle for Senator Flake. We can take our country back from this Stalinist president; a man who has already murdered millions of… oh wait, Trump did nothing of the sort. Maybe that explains this…

Only two senators, Democrats Dick Durbin of Illinois and Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota, attended the 15-minute speech that was highly anticipated by reporters and editors.

Flake announced, and re-announced, this epic speech for days now, and the only ones who bothered to show were little Dick Durbin and Amy Klobuchar? Hmm, I guess the other ninety-seven senators were home washing their hair.

Show Me Your Warhol

The Louvre has rejected a piece of ass art from display because the work is “sexually explicit.”

The Louvre has withdrawn a large installation by a Dutch art and design collective for being sexually explicit — right on the heels of the Guggenheim’s decision to pull three controversial artworks from its upcoming China show.

The piece — “Domestikator” by the collective Atelier Van Lieshout — was to go on view on Oct. 19 in the Louvre’s Tuileries Gardens as part of Hors les Murs, a public art program organized by the Fiac contemporary art fair.

A spokeswoman for the Louvre said that the choice of the works exhibited in the Tuileries Gardens within the framework of the Fiac is made by three committees.

“The work ‘Domestikator’ was presented after these commissions,” which didn’t allow for a discussion of the “presentation in the garden collegially.”

From the looks of it, the work should be placed near the Tappan Zee Bridge.

The Great White Grope

A gaggle of gentlemen swarmed a sex robot at a European tech fair, and they left it looking like Jodie Foster from The Accused.

You see, this is why we can’t have nice things.

‘The people mounted Samantha’s breasts,’ complains the owner of a £3,000 ‘intelligent’ sex doll which was left ‘heavily soiled’ after being shown off at a tech fair. Samantha’s developer Sergi Santos from Barcelona, Spain said that people at the Arts Electronica Festival in Linz treated the doll ‘like barbarians’.

The doll – which reacts intelligently to touch, and talks – was left filthy and broken by the never-ending male attention, and has now been sent off for repair.

Santos complained, ‘The people mounted Samantha’s breasts, her legs and arms. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled. People can be bad. Because they did not understand the technology and did not have to pay for it, they treated the doll like barbarians.’

In fairness, look at the way she’s dressed. She was obviously asking for it!

Stories like these make me yearn for the end of humanity. If guys have no problem destroying – and “soiling” – a $3,000 sex robot, what would they do in a car dealership or during a rental showing?

Apparently The Laying Isn’t Staying

A new study was recently released which claims one-third of American women are not interested in sex.

Amazingly, the same study found fifteen percent of American men were also not interested in shagging. I call these men “Obama voters.”

About 15% of men and 34% of women say they’re not interested in sex, according to a new study, statistics that few experts find surprising. In fact, low desire in one partner is probably the top reason couples seek out sex therapy.

Any number of factors can affect sexual desire, and most of them have little to do with your partner’s attractiveness. In the study I mentioned, researchers found that for both men and women, physical and mental health had an impact on libido. But they may have different motivations for avoiding sex.

That’s a fair assessment. My main reason for avoiding sex is because the woman refuses to have it with me… or threatens to obtain a restraining order.

California Reamin’

A California man was none too pleased when a UPS delivery driver left his package in the most inopportune of places.

A man in California says he was trapped in his own fifth-floor apartment this weekend after a delivery driver left a package in the worst possible place.

Jessie Lawrence claimed via Twitter on Sunday that a UPS worker left a tall rectangular box just under the handle of his Bay Area flat’s front door. It blocked the handle from turning and he “had to call maintenance to get out,” he tweeted.

Dude. One has to have the intelligence of bread mold to wedge a package under the door handle. Either that, or the customer acted like a douche the last time a package was delivered.

Ironically, the package contained a gross of door stoppers.