I Find Your Lack Of Keycaps Disturbing

An enterprising company has created Star Wars Aurebesh keycaps for your computer keyboard.

This is the officially licensed Star Wars Galactic Empire DSA Keycap Set (no keyboard included). Each PBT dye-sublimated keycap features the Aurebesh language, one of the most used languages in the galaxy. The 157-key set (including ‘8 unique novelty keycaps to show your loyalty to the Empire’) comes in two varieties: pure Aurebesh, or Aurebesh with small english sub-legends in upper right corner of each key.

Unfortunately for the person looking for the perfect Christmas gift for the Star Wars fan in their life who already has absolutely everything else, they’re currently only available for pre-order, and won’t ship until March or April.

The keycaps are $250, so I’ll probably just use white out to paint them on myself.

You’ll Find He’s Full Of Surprises

Meet Luke Sky Walker of Tennessee. Luke was given a heroic name, but his actions reflect those of Greedo or Doctor Evazan.

Luke Sky Walker, 21, was arrested Thursday by police in Elizabethton, Tennessee, for a probation violation in connection with a felony theft charge. The jailbird namesake of the Jedi master was then taken into custody at the Probation and Parole Office before being taken to the Carter County Detention Center.

Even Mark Hamill — who played Luke Skywalker in the iconic “Star Wars” film series — commented that the arrest was a little out of this world.

“The real crime here is Mr. & Mrs. Walker saddling this poor guy with that name in the first place,” Hamill tweeted early Sunday. “#MisbegottenMoniker”

In a few years, Luke will have the death sentence on twelve systems.

Fit To Be TIE’d

The Christmas season is upon us, and as usual, I have very few gift ideas. It’s Mrs. Earp’s main annoyance, because it’s easier to buy something for someone when they know what they want.

Luckily, the good people at Merchoid are offering a quick fix.

Inspired by the galaxy’s most iconic short-range assault craft, this officially licensed phone holder cradles your phone securely whilst looking awesome!

• Officially licensed Star Wars merchandise
• Universal mobile fit up to 8 cm wide
• Safe Sat-Nav whilst driving
• Installs in seconds
• Fits most vehicles & 90 degrees viewing rotation

This is actually something I need, because after driving nearly nine hours to Ohio for a college visit, I realized how difficult it is to check my phone while traveling. Plus, you know, Long Live the Empire!

Repair Of The Jedi

Dear Santa, I have been really evil this year, so if you can reward me with this AT-AT tape dispenser, I would appreciate it.

This fallen AT-AT tape dispenser might possibly be the greatest tape dispenser of all time!

You’ll feel like you can take on the whole Empire yourself with this AT-AT tape dispenser on your desk. The Imperial walker—taken down by the Rebel Alliance’s fleet of snowspeeders equipped with harpoons and tow cables—will be the envy of co-workers, whether you’re stationed on Echo Base or working a little closer to home. Includes on tape roll.

Star Wars items are probably released by the dozens every day, and while many of them are pure, unadulterated garbage, this thing is glorious! I’d buy one for my desk at work, but it would disappear faster than you can say, “It’s a trap!”

Come To The Dark Tied

I have never been a big fan of fashion, dressing up, or formal (or even semi-formal) events. That said, my sister is getting married on New Year’s Eve – yeah, don’t get me started on the date – and I think I found my choice of jacket!

This is the $120 Star Wars Darth Vader Blazer designed and sold by ThinkGeek. It’s black and has some embroidery reminiscent of Vader’s chest panel on the left breast. It also has Imperial crest buttons, and the lining resembles the Death Star’s interior lighting pattern.

Obviously, this is the perfect blazer for letting a potential employer know that you will be taking sick days to see any new Star Wars movies.

I have never been more serious in my life when I say I absolutely want one of these. I’d wear it to weddings, funerals, court hearings, hockey games, etc., etc.

Come To The Dirt Side

Automated vacuums are all the rage these days, but the market is a tad dilluted. Samsung, however, decided to kick their model up a notch by adding some Star Wars detail.

With the exception of Finn, Stormtroopers are famous for being the faceless, pesky mercenaries that always induce chaos. They are good for nothing soldiers who can’t even hit their shots right. If you think about it, those bucket heads only exist to do all the dirty work for Darth Vader and be the cause of headaches for Luke, Leia, and Han Solo.

If you’re a massive Star Wars fan, you may be pleased to know that you can now be the Stormtroopers’ overlord and have them do your dirty work for you. The Samsung POWERbot™ Star Wars Limited Edition Stormtrooper Robot Vacuum is (finally) on sale, marked down by a whopping $327.

Normally I would yell, “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!” but I’m guessing the Stormtrooper models can never find the dirt they were looking for.

Sit On It, Cunningham

The upcoming Han Solo spin-off film is quickly becoming the worst decision since having Greedo shoot first.

The original directors were summarily fired more than halfway through shooting, the lead actor was ordered to take remedial acting lessons at the eleventh hour, and now, new director Richie Cunningham hinted Ewoks will appear in this dumpster fire.

Ron Howard revealed Warwick Davis is to feature in the forthcoming Han Solo spin-off movie on Wednesday.

Given he only mentioned it in passing on social media, franchise fanatics will surely be eager to discover whether the 47-year-old will be reprising his role as one of the much-hated Ewok characters from 1983’s Return Of The Jedi.

Warwick is known for his appearance as pugnacious Ewok Wicket W. Warrick, who fearlessly led the way as the teddy bear-esque creatures somehow helped Han Solo and friends defeat the mighty Empire forces on the forest moon of Endor.

There are few people on Earth who are bigger Star War fans than me, but at this point, there is no way in hell I’m seeing this wretched mess of a film.

Star Wars Turns Forty

On this day in 1977, Star Wars was released in theaters, and an 8-year old kid from Philly’s life was changed forever.

On this day in 1977, Memorial Day weekend opens with an intergalactic bang as the first of George Lucas’ blockbuster Star Wars movies hits American theaters.

The incredible success of Star Wars–it received seven Oscars, and earned $461 million in U.S. ticket sales and a gross of close to $800 million worldwide–began with an extensive, coordinated marketing push by Lucas and his studio, 20th Century Fox, months before the movie’s release date.

“It wasn’t like a movie opening,” actress Carrie Fisher, who played rebel leader Princess Leia, later told Time magazine. “It was like an earthquake.” Beginning with – in Fisher’s words – “a new order of geeks, enthusiastic young people with sleeping bags,” the anticipation of a revolutionary movie-watching experience spread like wildfire, causing long lines in front of movie theaters across the country and around the world.

My mother was arguably a bigger fan of Star Wars than I was, and she took us to the theaters three times to see the film. Then came the action figures, the t-shirts, the posters, the video games, etc., etc. My kids are also big Star Wars geeks – I raised them right – and hopefully they’ll pass on their Star Wars knowledge to their children.

In the meantime, I am still pining for the day when I can own the Millennium Falcon.

Tame Tweet Triggers Touchy Trolls

Imagine how awesome 2017 America must be when the outrage of the day revolves around the wording in an innocuous tweet.

The official “Star Wars” Twitter account deleted a joke Monday featuring the word “triggered” after Twitter users denounced it as insensitive.

“Triggered,” tweeted the Star Wars account, along with a graphic describing an exchange between Anakin Skywalker and a droid, according to a screen shot of the tweet and its criticism.

Naturally, the Shrieking Lunatic Guild could not let that stand, so they sent a deluge of liberal outrage to the Outer Rim.

“Wow, a joke mocking people with PTSD, used by the same kind of people who have Pepe icons and are ‘ironic’ Nazis,” remarked another user. “How hilarious.”

Wow, a leftist used a Nazi reference. How… unexpected. The account managers, which are more Jar Jar than Death Star, immediately bowed to the harpies and deleted the tweet.

A Dark Day For The Galaxy

carrie-fisher-1956-2016

Carrie Fisher, my all-time favorite actress (and the boyhood crush of every red-blooded American male my age) has passed away. She was only 60 years old.

Carrie Fisher, the actress best known as Star Wars‘ Princess Leia Organa, has died after suffering a heart attack. She was 60.

Family spokesman Simon Halls released a statement to PEOPLE on behalf of Fisher’s daughter, Billie Lourd:

“It is with a very deep sadness that Billie Lourd confirms that her beloved mother Carrie Fisher passed away at 8:55 this morning,” reads the statement.

Ironically, I heard the news as I walked in the front door after taking Erik and Kevin to see Rogue One. Fisher was the one Hollywood actress who could do no wrong in my eyes. I didn’t care about her drug abuse, I didn’t care about her politics, I loved her unconditionally. She was always Princess Leia to me, and barring that, at least the Mystery Woman from The Blues Brothers.

Fisher was the most beautiful actress I ever laid eyes on, and I was happy to see her again in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I will miss her terribly.

Honestly, I felt as if lost a family member. I guess that makes me insane, but that’s how I feel.

To respect Carrie’s passing, there will be no more posts today. Rest in peace, Princess.

UPDATE: Carrie’s mother, Debbie Reynolds, died today after suffering a massive stroke. God bless and keep them both.