Back The Blue

After Obama, I don’t expect much from presidents anymore. They’ll disappoint me, break promises, and outright lie, so when a POTUS goes out of his way to do the little things, I am appreciative. Donald Trump gives me that.

President Trump announced Monday that he’ll light the White House blue to honor police officers for Monday’s Peace Officer Memorial Day.

The president signed a proclamation Monday declaring the day “Peace Officer Memorial Day” and the upcoming week “Police Week.” At the signing ceremony, Trump said that he would also request that American flags fly at half-mast to memorialize fallen officers.

“During Peace Officers Memorial Day and Police Week, we honor the men and women of law enforcement who have been killed or disabled in the course of serving our communities. Police officers are the thin blue line whose sacrifices protect and serve us every day, and we pledge to support them as they risk their lives to safeguard ours,” Trump said in the text of the proclamation.

A president who appreciates police officers. What a concept.

True Detective Stories

Yesterday was my first day back to Dante’s Fifth Level of Hell work in four days, and as expected, four days worth of work was left for me.

For some reason, the detectives who run the front desk when I’m off are usually busy doing important things – like shaking candy out of the vending machines, hanging up on complainants, and watching YouTube. This may surprise you, but unlike my personal life, I am a thoroughly responsible person at work, and nothing angries up the blood more than lazy coworkers.

So I sat down at my desk, looked left to see if any hot police babes were in the office – sadly, no – then looked right toward our inbox. There were a few reports lying there – about four – which isn’t bad, considering. Any jobs which are not assigned the night before, or come in after our shift is over, are placed in the squad inbox to be assigned the next day…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Since my division is one of the busiest in the city, we are constantly being flooded with rookies and dullards. Academy graduates are sent to our four districts to learn the job and annoy detectives. Take Steve Harvey, for example. (Yes, this cop looks exactly like Steve Harvey.) Steve is a special kind of stupid, as evidenced by his most recent police report.

Steve brought in a domestic vandalism report yesterday, and before reading it, he hold me, “The offender vandalized the complainant’s car, causing three hundred dollars in damage.” He then scampered away, distracted by a shiny nickel on the ground.

I scanned the report, because I don’t trust this stupid motherf**ker, and it read nothing like this jackass claimed. According to the report, the complainant stated her foster son “vandalized” her car… with a pencil. Apparently the offender took his pencil and drew on the side of the vehicle… to the tune of $300.

Oh, did I mention the career criminal in question was five years old?

I’m truly not certain who is the bigger simpleton; the woman who filed a police report on her five-year old child, or the incompetent police officer who put it on paper.

Sick Burn

Last night I was saddled with my annual departmental pistol re-qualification. Now many of you would probably exclaim, “Getting paid to shoot for eight hours? Beam me up!”

Well yes, getting paid to shoot .40-caliber rounds at a TQ-21 target is pretty orgasmic, but the afterglow is diminished by the dry biscuit training videos, the instruction on items detectives never use – tasers, OC spray, etc – and the lack of competent shooters on your line. At least the weather was nice’ cloudy, but cool, and it only started raining as the class ended.

Any hoo, I am shooting a string of six shots from the 7-yard line, and after the first shot I feel a burning on the back of my neck. I figure it’s either a tick, the really cute blonde range babe breathing on my neck, or a spent shell casing.

It was the shell casing.

Somehow, the casing ejected skyward, bounced off my baseball cap, and lodged between my vest and my skin. It was rather… unpleasant. I wanted to reach behind me and yank the casing out, but we were in the middle of a live fire exercise. I needed to suck it up, finish the string, and wait until the line was clear because I could address the searing shell.

The string ended, the instructors gave the all clear, and like a lunatic, I reached into my vest yanked out the casing, and threw it to the ground with a definitive “DAMMIT!” The blonde range babe behind me laughed and asked, “Casing?” Yeah, what was your first clue, honey; the flailing arms of the wet pants?

Thankfully, the rest of the evening went swimmingly. I ended up with a score of 97, after throwing two rounds from the 25-yard line. Lousy aging eyes!

Oh, and afterward we had to take a few turns on the FATS machine, which is like an interactive video game which records where your shots land on the movie screen. It’s very lifelike and fairly stressful. I was involved in two scenarios, and fired a round in each – both killing shots.

Heh, I still got it.

Whoa-klahoma!

Meet Madison Sueann Dickson.

Madison enjoys sprinting through quiet neighborhoods, piercing her face, and shooting at police officers.

Disturbing dashcam footage released by Tulsa police shows the moment a 21-year-old woman was run over and killed by a cop after opening fire on officers following a high-speed chase.

If by “disturbing,” the authors mean hilarious, they are absolutely correct.

Dickson died in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on Saturday after Officer Jonathan Grafton, deliberately hit her with his patrol car to stop her from shooting at police.

Well, she died like she lived… by being a dumbass.

The video first shows Grafton slowing down his vehicle before he spots Dickson running along a sidewalk in front of Jenks East Elementary School. Officers can be heard telling dispatchers that multiple shots are fired.

Dickson then points her gun toward the police vehicle as the car moves toward her. The woman appeared to be yelling before she’s struck by the police cruiser. She is then seen falling and going beneath the hood of the car.

Joyously, Dickson died of embarrassment and massive head trauma, but mostly of massive head trauma.

She is survived by her pet goldfish Mama June, her acid wash jean shorts, and her frequent yeast infections. Check out the video at the link. It is going to be my new screensaver.

True Detective Stories

Lost in the homicides, robberies, and domestic assaults in my division is a skyrocketing new crime with a surprising weapon of choice.

On Monday we were notified of a stabbing in one of our districts where the male victim was stabbed in the chest. Yesterday we received a call for another male stabbed in the head and neck. Both victims will recover, but the crimes were committed by two different people with the same weapon…

A crack pipe.

Apparently the people in my division are losing their damned minds, and ignoring traditional weapons like knives, baseball bats and sporks. Instead, crackheads are choosing the cold, sleek feel of their prized glass pipes. One would think attacking each other with crack pipes would go against their interests. I mean, at six dollars a pop, those things aren’t cheap!

True Detective Stories

It’s always fun going to work during a snow day. We can usually dress down, the traffic is light, and for the most part, the animals stay in their cages. Of course, the wintry weather doesn’t stave off the phone calls, and did I catch a real doozy yesterday.

A man called the division and stated his cousin – I’m not sure if he meant his real cousin or his “play cousin” – was arrested for armed robbery and stealing a car. Natch, the man’s cousin didn’t do it, attends college, and was just turning his life around.

Any hoo, the man claimed his cousin was only a passenger in the stolen car, and was not involved in the robbery. The man claimed he had proof, but since the arrest was already processed there was nothing we could do.

Then he says this…

“The detective brought him up for an interview, but my cousin didn’t want to give up the guy who did the jobs.”

Well whose fault is that, slapnuts? It’s possible the cousin is a decent kid who got caught up in the wrong crowd, but his “Stop Snitching” attitude saddled him with two felony arrests, a trip to prison, and possibly expulsion from college. He’ll now graduate Summa Cum Laude from Cell Block D.

Stupid Human Tricks

dearborn-open-carry-jackasses

Two Michigan men entered a Dearborn police station wearing a ski mask, body armor and carrying AK-47s with the intent on filing a complaint against police and exercising their open carry rights. Or something.

A surfaced video on Reddit shows two men -one sporting a ski-mask and AK-pattern semiautomatic rifle- entering the police station, armed with cameras, body armor and small arms.

The duo reported that they were heading into the station to file a complaint.

They claimed they were illegally pulled over, and judging by their actions afterward, it’s difficult to see why men of such intelligence and common sense could have been targeted.

As the men entered the main lobby of the station, officers quickly took note of the situation, drawing their sidearms.

“Dude put that on the ground,” one officer says, the sound of weapons unholstering clearly audible in the background. The two protesting men continued to advance, seemingly confused before coming to a halt.

Well, it’s difficult to walk after you’ve soiled yourself. Um, so I’ve heard…

The two men –Anarcho-capitalist James V. Baker and Brandon Vreeland- were heard defending their actions, citing that their carrying of the weapons in the open was legal. (H/T – Jim F.)

Of course it is. It is also legal to go jogging, but I wouldn’t recommend it at an indoor shooting range. Dumbasses.

The Slowed Warrior

australian-speeding-ticket-wind-was-pushing-himFor those of you who think my True Detective Stories are made up out of whole cloth, I give you this story from Australia. Yes, teh stoopid exists even in the Land Down Under.

Police in Western Australia clearly thought one speeding driver was full of hot air after they heard his excuse on Monday. The explanation was simple: “The wind was pushing me”.

Unsurprisingly, officers were not convinced the Geraldton weather was capable of pushing the car up to 127 kilometres per hour on Edward Road, Bootenal.

Unless this clown is driving through Kansas during an active tornado, I sincerely doubt the wind is pushing him toward 79 miles per hour. Next time tell the officer a dingo was eating your baby.

True Detective Stories

sweet-old-lady-baking-cookiesSunday was a miserable day, work-wise. We were crazy stupid busy, the victims were galactically annoying, and the cops… well, the cops were dumber than dog poo.

Take this story, for instance. An elderly woman called the division, claiming her house was burglarized. The woman stated her friend was house-sitting for her, and when he entered the location, the house was ransacked and most of her possessions were missing. Jewelry, China, family heirlooms, the works.

The woman’s friend called 911, and when police arrived, they stated they could not take the report because the victim was not there. The woman was called, and she broke down crying. The woman had no homeowner’s insurance, and she could not make the report personally because she was in a hospital.

The surgeons were going to amputate her leg Monday morning.

So this woman was dealing with a ransacked house and the loss of her possessions the night before she was losing her leg, and the police were doing nothing for her.

Regular readers know I am an insensitive jackass who uses dark humor to hide my insecurities. On the flip side, I also hate people. That said, there was no way I wasn’t going to help this woman. After talking to my sergeant, we called the district supervisor and demanded they take the burglary report. The friend could give a basic breakdown of what was taken, and the woman could fill in the gaps when she is out of recovery. The supervisor hemmed and hawed for a bit, and finally agreed when we said we would call her captain.

The good news is the victim had her report taken, her house processed for prints, and hopefully a little peace of mind.