True Detective Stories

You may remember a story I told about the brand new c-word officer from the 666th District. She was the one, after being on the job for thirteen months, claimed she knew more about policing that I did. She was also the one who proudly claimed she was “a professional.” As if she was an assassin like Léon.

This twat walked into the division Tuesday morning, and – hilariously – was unable to open the door. She forgot the code, and instead of asking me, she called the 666th District to ask what the code was.


She eventually figured out how to open the door, and dropped a report on my desk. I was on the phone, so I asked what kind of report she was dropping off. What happened next made me want to run her over with my car.

“Read it,” she said, before turning around and slamming the door as hard as she could.


When I was first promoted, one of my coworkers said something truly profound after a male cop came in and started talking shit. He turned to the cop and said, “You know, you’re going to need us a lot more than we’re going to need you.” After a few weeks of giving him awful detectives, the cop stopped being an a-hole.

I doubt this bitch will learn that lesson, but the next 638 days will not be kind to her. Her arrests – not that she has made any – will go to Diego the Idiot Detective. If Diego is not in that day, she will get the next worst detective, and so on.

Want to be a bitch? Fine. Good luck with that.

True Detective Stories

So Diego the Idiot Detective is a huge Eagles fan – shock, I know – and while we were told we cannot have any days off before Sunday’s Eagles game, this jagoff did so anyway. Diego took off on the 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st. He had court on the 30th so he had to go to court, and afterward he came back – also a shock.

The night before, during the Eagles game, we had just under forty jobs with four detectives, while this prick was sitting in the stands while we were getting slaughtered.

On Monday, he walked in at 11am, and I immediately approached him. “Hey, Norristown has one of your body warrants. I sent the hit confirmation, but you need to call them a.s.a.p. Also, PCIC said you need to lodge a detainer for the offender, and they need it today.”

About a half hour later, I hear him saying he may drive to Norristown to pick up his prisoner. The Red Menace and I both heard him, and we quickly stopped that shite.

“Um, we already have twenty-two jobs so far, and there are three of us here. You aren’t going anywhere, dude. You don’t have court tomorrow, so you can do it then.”

This jerkoff spent the last three days sitting on his fat ass, then has the gall to come to work and try to leave right away? He does this crap all the time. He’ll take a car around noon, and not show back up until 2pm when our shift ends.

I hate this a-hole with every fibre of my being.

Oklahoma Is OK

A handful of Oklahoma sheriffs have gone on social media to assure the ATF that they will not be enforcing the idiotic pistol brace rule. Leave it to Oklahoma to do the right think, quickly and expeditiously.

At least three Oklahoma sheriffs have posted videos and/or notices on their Facebook pages to let the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) know they have no intention of enforcing the pistol brace rule in non-criminal situations.

On January 25, 2023, Oklahoma County Sheriff Tommie Johnson III posted a video to Facebook in which he made it clear he has instructed his deputies not to enforce the rule “in a low-level incidental contact” with someone who is in possession of a pistol with a stabilizer brace.

Sheriff Johnson said, “In other words, if a deputy encounters someone with a pistol equipped with a stabilizer brace they will take no action against that person, unless that person is using the weapon in the commission of a crime.”

I would like to think other departments would follow Sheriff Johnson’s lead. Leftist departments will never do so, but hopefully some right-leaning departments will realize this new ATF rule is idiotic, even for them.

Thanks to Okrahead for the link!

True Detective Stories

Hat Tip: Sean Walsh, Philadelphia Inquirer
So Friday night I was sitting at my computer playing video games, when I received a text from my lieutenant. I don’t like getting texts from work on my days off, so this annoyed me.

I certainly didn’t like the text message. “We have orders for Saturday. We are working from 7am to 7pm because of impending riots.” The text wasn’t sent until 8:30pm, a half hour before I go to bed.

You see, some Memphis, Tennessee police officers were arrested after allegedly beating a man to death. The man was black, so now all the usual suspects – Antifa, etc. – are taking to the streets. For some reason, Philadelphia is allowing these thugs to take to our streets, even though the alleged murder happened 1,016 miles away.

Now again, this is not a detective problem; it is a police officer problem. Or it should be. We were told to bring in our riot gear in case we get sent downtown, despite the fact I took the detective test to get away from riot duty.

The city, as always, has no plan for this situation. All we heard was personnel may be deployed to Center City. Since that’s pretty much all we heard, I brought in my riot helmet, and two extra magazines.

The worst part? The city decided they didn’t need us for twelve hours, and not only did they send us home without overtime, they also changed our shift. We came into work at 7am, and they sent us home at 4pmm and they stiffed us out of an hour overtime.

They did the exact same thing during October’s Phillies Detail.

Oh, we are also working twelve-hour shifts today thanks to the f’n Eagles, because none of us really like spending time with our families.

I hate this job. We’re treated like serfs, and they have no problem giving us short notice to change any plans we may have had. Sorry for the bitching, but I’m sick of this place.

True Detective Stories

Hat Tip: Sean Walsh, Philadelphia Inquirer
While I’m sure you know this already, but my squad is severely short. Every detective division is supposed to have fifteen detectives assigned the three squads. Unfortunately, that is no longer the case after so many detectives either retired, quit, or looked for gainful employment elsewhere.

Yesterday, I had two detectives in the building, zero domestic detectives, and zero special investigations detectives. Everyone was either in court, on vacation, or working the night shift. Suffice to say, we got our asses kicked. A barricade, a self-inflicted shooting, three domestic arrests, and the usual nonsensical reports.

We made it through the day – barely – but it was a terrible tour.

Yesterday was much better, as we had six detectives on hand. Still no domestics, and still no special investigations. Then the hammer dropped.

You see, the bosses at Police Headquarters decided detectives don’t have enough to do, so from here on out, there will be a list of detectives who will have to respond to riots in the city. This is a job for police officers, but since the department despises detectives, they threw it upon us.

We’re already terribly short on manpower, and the city wants us to rush out to riots when they occur. I say that, because the city always allows riots to happen with little to no repercussions. I don’t know how they can justify this ridiculous order, and furthermore, what happens when a detective on the list is at a crime scene, or in the middle of an interview. Is he/she supposed to drop everything and rush out to a different part of the city?

I have no idea what the hell is going on in this department, but it’s embarrassing.

True Detective Stories

So every year, we have to attend between four and six days of MPOETC (Municipal Police Officer’s Education and Training Commission). The classes will almost always put you to sleep, and they are usually the same classes over and over. Use of Force, Be Kind To Thugs, Don’t Be Corrupt, etc.

Every year I ask my supervisors if I can go as early as possible. I’d rather get the nonsense over and done by the end of February.

This year, the MPO Commission wants us done by the end of June, where we used to finish by the end of September. My sergeant had me scheduled for Legal Updates (boring as hell) on Monday, and CPR (slightly less boring) today. I was happy because I’d get half the classes out in two days. Or so I thought.

When I walked into work on Sunday, my lieutenant said I couldn’t go to either class because our a-hole ADA’s sent most of the squad to court. I was told they have no idea when I can get the training, because I work the desk, and it’s important I am here on the desk.

Usually, I let this stuff slide, but I was genuinely pissed off. I’m already looking at a possible Eagles parade – here’s hoping they lose – and now I may be looking at a few months before I’m allowed to take the classes. It’s not my fault our jagoff DA keeps bringing detectives to court when they’re not needed, and I assume I’ll be the one yelled at when June comes and my training isn’t finished.

I truly hate this job anymore, and the incompetence of our higher echelon doesn’t make it any easier.

647 days left.

True Detective Stories

So let me tell you about my Thursday evening.

It was my last day of the tour, and for the most part, we were pretty slow. It was raining cats and dogs, so most of the thugs stayed inside. We were getting a job or three every hour, so no one was really getting stomped with reports.

After our first three hours, every detective had one job. The wheel had gone around, and it was back to Diego the Idiot Detective. The next job was his, and it wasn’t an Earth-shattering report. It was a commercial burglary.

For most commercial burglaries, the detective heads out, takes a few photos, does a quick interview, and heads back to headquarters. Unfortunately for us, Diego didn’t feel like taking the job. One of the detectives call to me and says, “Diego said he’s busy!”

I replied, “He had one job today! How the f**k is he busy?”

Diego kept protesting that he was super duper busy, despite the fact he had one measly report, which he received at 4pm. I guess this jagoff couldn’t complete a report in two hours. Eventually, one of the other detectives took the job, while Diego the Idiot Bitch kept whining.

So, I decided to change my strategy. For the rest of the evening, Diego was getting every garbage job that came through the door. Every. One. If Diego wants to whine, that’s cool. He could do so with a stack of reports on his desk.

I mean, if this prick wants easy nights, he can always transfer to a less busy division.

True Detective Stories

You may remember yesterday’s post where a car drove into a T-Mobile store across the street from my division. Unfortunately, it appears today is Groundhog Day, because some other jackass slammed into our building this morning.

A driver crashed into a Philadelphia police station across the street from the site where another car careened into a cellphone store earlier in the week.

Friday’s crash occurred just after 1 a.m. at the 35th police district headquarters on the 5900 block of North Broad Street. The Action Cam on the scene showed several vehicles, including a police van, severely damaged. A brick wall and fence outside the station were also struck.

The irony here is the front of the building was being renovated. So now the city will have to do more repairs, instead of giving us a livable building in which to work.

The suspect was able to get out of the car and fled on foot. A foot pursuit ensued, and police were able to take him into custody.

So after a car drove through the T-Mobile and another car slammed into the division, I expect tomorrow will see a dump truck plowing through the side of the building.

True Detective Stories

So yesterday we had two detectives in the office, since our jackass ADAs called the rest of the squad down to court. I wasn’t in the mood for shenanigans and tomfoolery, so when Salma Hayek came to my desk about a job from the 666th District, I knew it was going to be a long, stupid day.

Salma says, “The 666th District is on the phone and said a man walked up to a woman, hugged her and said, ‘I want to take you to bed.'”

Okay, that’s odd even for my division, but it’s not necessarily a crime. The 666th called Special Victims, and for those of you who have been here a while, you know what they said. “No, we aren’t taking the job.” Shocker.

So I asked Salma to tell the 666th to write a report for harassment and send it up to us. It likely won’t go anywhere, but at least we can say we took the job. I mean, it’s a creepy thing to do, but it’s not exactly a job we can run on.

Considering the murders and shootings we deal with, a hug is really kind of nice, considering.

True Detective Stories

Well, the city of Philadelphia has finally announced their 2022 homicide numbers, and the city is claiming 514 murders. 514. Uh-huh.

Now for those of you who read my True Detective Stories, you know this is absolute b.s. The city may claim there were 514 murders, but they mentioned nothing about the “suspicious” deaths and the “other” deaths which became a thing in January, and the city never notified their employees.

I still follow the Homicide Board from this post. I added the “alleged” 514 number, then added the suspicious and other deaths from the end of November. The final numbers for murders, suspicious and other deaths came to 691. And that’s without adding the suspicious and other deaths for the month of December.

It’s absolutely possible Philadelphia earned 700 murders in 2022.

I will still keep track of the homicides in the sidebar, but it’s almost impossible to know the real count because the city is hiding them.

Oh, I’m back to work this morning. Hooray.