True Detective Stories

So the city, in its infinite wisdom, decided to hold a Gun Buy-Back program Saturday afternoon. Hilariously, they decided to hold the event inside a church, because the city is completely tone deaf.

Since the Gun Buy Back is usually a garbage detail, the supervisor sent our two dumbest detectives not named Diego. The reasoning behind it was we couldn’t spare two real detectives during a busy weekend, so we sent the drones. In this case the lucky contestants were Kim Jong-Loon and Whining Slow Joe; both are miserable crybabies who can barely tie their own shoes.

Slow Joe was sent to the church. His task was to recover the guns turned in, and copy the information – make, model, serial number – of the firearms and email the information to Kin Jong-Loon. Loon was working in the division, and the only thing he had to do was enter the firearms information and run the firearm to see if it was stolen. Loon’s job could literally be done by a ten-year old.

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True Detective Stories

This post may be longer than usual, but believe me, it is a necessary action to expose this dumbass and his “I Don’t Give A F**k” attitude.

So Saturday we were cursed with two problems: we were exceedingly busy and there was a gun buy back program in our division. (The gun buy back story will be highlighted in a TDS soon.) Until then, back to the dumbest person on Planet Earth.

Diego the Idiot Detective has this feature where toward the end of the day, he decides he needs to leave the building. He’ll claim he needs to check video surveillance, interview a witness, or some other ridiculous lie. Diego does this because he thinks if he is out on the street, he will be skipped when a job comes in.

Nice try, butt-munch.

Diego decided to flee the building Saturday around 12pm, claiming he was checking for video at one of his crime scenes. He could have done so the two days prior, but because we were busy, he figured it was a great time to get away. About a half hour after he left, Diego received a call from a woman who claimed Diego called her to come in for an interview.

Classic F**king Diego: set up an appointment and make someone else conduct the interview.

After speaking with the witness, we realized this was no ordinary interview. Diego handled an armed robbery of a phone store the day before, and the witness Diego was supposed to be interviewing may also have been the getaway driver. I immediately called the dullard…

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True Detective Stories

I’m just going to come out and say it; I despise Diego the Idiot Detective. He is not just an annoyance anymore. Diego is a virus, and he infects everyone he comes across. The man is a swollen, infected pustule filled with herpes and carbohydrates.

Our first day back to work was Thursday, and we were short on manpower. One detective was sick, and two were downtown for court cases. That left us with three detectives and Diego, who I refuse to acknowledge as a real detective. The overnight shift was busy, so they needed a drone to get a few search warrants.

Enter Diego.

Normally, it would take a real detective an hour and a half to two hours tops to drive downtown, get the warrants signed and returned. For Diego, it took four hours. FOUR HOURS!

While Diego was exploring the city’s vast food eateries, the other three detectives handled two arrests each and a few investigations. Eventually, the supervisor looked at me and asked, “Where is Diego?” I replied, “He’s still downtown with the warrants. It’s been four hours.” I told the supervisor I had to keep skipping Diego because when a job would come in, he was nowhere to be found.

I sent Diego a few texts reminding him we were getting crushed and he needed to return a.s.a.p. Those texts went unanswered. He finally returned at 12:30 – after leaving the office at 8am – and immediately ate his lunch. Remind you, we were still inundated with active jobs.

The supervisor called Diego to the front and told him he had a residential burglary. Amazingly, this douche canoe turns to the supervisor and says, “Well, I have to serve this warrant at the Youth Study Center.”


Already stressed and dealing with my shoulder pain, I let loose. “Then why the f**k didn’t you serve the warrant while you were there?!!!” Diego replied, “Oh, I didn’t think of it.” Angered, I replied, “Yeah, that’s not your strong suit. Before you leave, this is the information on the residential burglary. They are holding the scene, so you’ll have to drive by there, since everyone else has been working all day.”

Diego smirked and walked out the door, and he still had not returned by the time my shift was over.

I hate him. I truly, truly hate him. 1,344 days…

True Detective Stories

This may sound inconceivable to you, but there are people in my department galactically dumber than Diego the Idiot Detective. There is a certain police officer in our worst district makes Diego look like Stephen Hawking. Let me introduce you to Beaky Buzzard.

Beaky is an inept dullard who spends most of his time drooling into his retainer case. He was likely approved because his father was a high-ranking supervisor, and apparently the smarts skip a generation.

Yesterday Beaky handled a domestic assault. The offender was arrested after allegedly holding her life partner inside the residence at the point of a gun. Apparently the offender also fired a round or two out the window, I guess to prove she was serious. The sergeant called for the scene, explained what they had, and I told them to bring up the combatants – and the pistol if it was recovered. The time of the call was 9:30am.

By 10:30am, the officers had brought the victim and the offender to the division. It had been an hour since the call, and I still did not have a police report or the gun. I joked to my sergeant, “I’ll bet Beaky Buzzard has this job.” My sergeant replied, “Oh, please don’t let this be the case.”

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True Detective Stories

So, let me tell you about my Saturday.

I arrive early, as always, and the overnight shift was still in the office. Apparently they were dealing with three shootings – not an uncommon situation – but everything seemed to be under control. Most of the detectives were done by 8am, and all seemed well.

My one supervisor – who is universally hated by the entire building – decided he would “look into” the shootings, even though they were not ours and the overnight crew already assigned detectives to each case. The supervisor, undeterred because he’s a kiss-ass, dug further into the other squad’s business.

Shortly afterward, he realizes no one did anything with the third shooting. A detective was assigned to the job at 5am, but nothing was done. The supervisor told our highest-ranking supervisor, who contacted the overnight supervisor to get the story.

The witness claimed the victim was shot in one of our police districts, but them claimed she drove the victim to Camden, New Jersey for treatment, while passing two local hospitals with trauma units. Seems odd, but okay. The overnight supervisor sent officers to check for a scene, and they found nothing. The overnight crew contacted Camden PD and told them there was no evidence of a shooting at the location, and Camden said they would handle the job.

Our highest-ranking supervisor, after taking to the overnight boss, decided, “Nah brah, we’re not handling this, because there is no evidence the shooting happened on our side of the river.” It was the logical conclusion to anyone with a brain.

There are two glaring problems with the way this incident was handled. Obviously, the assigned detective should have done something. At the very least, he should have written a white paper or checked the scene for himself. The second problem is our kiss-ass supervisor. There was no need to dig into another squad’s job, especially after their supervisor made his decision. The only reason to do so is to make points with the captain. I mean, if that’s your thing, you do you; but it’s a bad look when you’re trying to throw your coworkers under the bus.

That’s just my $0.02.

1,349 days…

True Detective Stories

As you know, many of my True Detective Stories revolve around the truly terrible police officers this city hires. Obviously, the talent pool is low after the left decided to declare war on the police, but even some of the decent cops in my division would need an abacus to count their fingers and toes.

Once a week, the district’s Quality Assurance Officer – usually a female who either is scared to work the street or has friends in high places – looks over the week’s reports and checks them for accuracy. The QAO never knocks down a report – like making a robbery a theft – but always upgrades it. Because police captains are always overjoyed when they have to explain five new robberies which were thefts the day before.

The QAO of one particular district gets off on sending us high-level felonies every week, and usually five days after the report was filed. This policy is stressing because most victims refuse to cooperate with police the day of the incident, let alone a week after the fact. This was the case Monday evening when a robbery report from Saturday landed in our queue.

The dumbass QAO of the offending district refused to scan the report in, so I had to fax AND call the district twice to find a copy of the report. You see, you cannot investigate a crime without ANY OF THE F**KING DETAILS, LIKE SAY, THE VICTIM’S NAME AND PHONE NUMBER!

But I digress…

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True Detective Stories

So yesterday began my second week of nightwork. Nightwork is a two-sided sword; it’s great to sleep late, but it’s also the busiest time of the day. When I walk through the door the stress begins, so I usually don’t want to be bothered until I’m settled in and ready to enter the day’s jobs.

The sergeant walks in, and after a few minutes of prep, he starts giving people dates for our yearly classroom training. All four classes need to be finished by November, but my division wants the classes done as soon as possible. (They sent a guy to the pistol range in a snowstorm last week.)

So the sergeant is giving out dates for class training, and he turns to me. “Wyatt, I’m scheduling you for CPR on February 25th.”

Eh… what?

I assume the sergeant either hates me or has the onset of dementia. I politely reply, “Do you think that’s a good idea?” The sergeant looks at me, puzzled. Finally, I say, “Do you think it’ a good idea to send me to CPR with a torn bicep and possible rotator cuff injury.” I mean, the compressions alone would probable be unbearable.

The sergeant stops, and starts with, “I mean, you could probably do it…” A moment later, the lieutenant walks up after hearing the conversation and says, “Um no, we’re not doing that. If he wants to take regular classroom training, do that, but his surgery is supposed to be at the end of February.”

Common sense pravails.

P.S. – It’s been a week and a half since the appointment with the surgeon, and I still haven’t received a date for the surgery. I called on Wednesday and left a voicemail with the surgery scheduler, and she has not gotten back to me. So this is going to be awesome, especially when they call and say “It’s tomorrow,” and I tell them I didn’t get a Covid test and didn’t get the surgery clearance. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

True Detective Stories

While I cover the left-wing bias of the national media, the fact of the matter is the rot goes deep to the core of journalism. Sure, the New York Times, Washington Post and their colleagues are cheerleaders for the left, but local news outlets are equally terrible. Take Philadelphia’s NBC 10 news, for example.

At the Philadelphia Police Department, the motto is “Honor, Integrity, Service.” Those are the three words written on the Shield.

Apparently some wise guy at NBC 10 is not a fan of the PPD, because on Thursday night an altered graphic appeared on the 5 p.m. news, with the words “Coffee, Corruption, Donuts” appearing instead on the crest and looking like this:

NBC 10 frequently calls police stations and detective divisions for information on crime stories. I’m assuming their access after this stunt will be severely limited.

Without going too deep into the weeds, I can say from my experience at Eyewitness News that graphics are typically built by an art department, and then added to the chyron system, where producers then manually insert the pictures into the newscast. So there would normally be a couple of layers of proofing here, a few sets of eyeballs looking at the graphic to make sure its correct before going to air.

I can’t speak for NBC 10’s process, but in most cases you’d have a producer check the work, then the executive producer takes a look to triple check before approving the story within the rundown.

So only one of two scenarios can be true. NBC 10 is completely incompetent and never let a producer approve the chyron, or the production staff of NBC 10 dislikes the police. Personally, I believe the latter is the case. Hopefully, the 5,000-plus police officers in this city see this for what it is and start changing the channel.

True Detective Stories

My division is comprised of four police stations. Two of them are pretty good, one is not-so-good, and the final one is full of misfits, malcontents, and borderline retards.

On Monday night, a numbskull from the idiot district called and stated was on location for an assault report. The officer told one of the female detectives that he responded to an auto accident, and during the commotion, the victim claimed the offender punched her twice in the face. The victim and the offender were still on the scene when the officer arrived.

The punches resulted in no injuries, and since the victim and the offender had each other’s personal information, the job would be sent to the Private Criminal Complaint (PCC) Unit. The incident is still investigated, but not by detectives, since we’re busy with the robberies and shootings.

Now everyone knows a simple assault with a known doer does not come to the detectives. You learn that in the first week of the police academy.

What did the Diego District do? They sent the report to us.

The report was scanned into the computer and as I read it, I continued to lose brain cells. The dumbass cop inserted these inconvenient truths into the report:

1. The male punched the girl trice in the face.
2. The female has no injuries.
3. Both parties exchanged information.


But Ricky Retardo still decided it needed to be brought to the division. Normally I would have just filled out the secondary report and send it on its way, but these assclowns do this all the time, and I am tired of cleaning up their collective messes. F**k them and everyone who looks like them.

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Our Best And Brightest

An off-duty Philadelphia police officer has been arrested and charged with aggravated assault and DUI after he allegedly plowed his personal vehicle into the front of a residence.

An off-duty Philadelphia police officer is facing drunken-driving charges after his car careened out of control and crashed into a couple’s home, critically injuring a woman and killing one of her dogs.

Police say 27-year-old Gregory Campbell, an officer with the 14th district, was driving his silver 2014 Dodge Dart north on Caroline Road near the Northeast Philadelphia Airport at 8.20pm on Saturday when it went airborne and smashed into a home in the 2800 block of Comly Road.

The residence is a five minute drive from my house.

The sedan smashed through the property, leaving a 53-year-old woman pinned under the vehicle and unconscious. She was taken to Jefferson Torresdale Hospital in critical condition. The woman’s 45-year-old husband was injured on his right arm, hand, hip, leg and back. Two dogs were also struck, one of them fatally.

The Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police building is a block away from there. It’s located in an industrial park, and while the place hosts classes, weddings, parties, etc., most cops go there for the bar. Some get hammered and decide to drive home. Some make it, some do not.

For the record, I’ve been there three times in 26 years; all for retirement parties of coworkers.

Campbell was also taken to the hospital for treatment of a laceration to the head. Officials say he is facing charges of aggravated assault, driving under the influence and related offenses. He was arraigned on Sunday and had his bail set at 10 per cent of $40,000.

When we first heard the call, the rumor was the woman was dead. Glad to see she’s still alive, and hopefully the family will put up concrete pillars in front of the house from now on. As for the cop, well, that’s his mess to clean.