True Detective Stories

Tuesday was a banner day in the division, as it was apparently Happy Hopping Moron Day. I have a few stories this morning, but most of them are very short. Welcome to my nightmare.

Incident #1. At approximately 1:45pm, a police officer wrote a report for a domestic violence arrest. The officer works in the next district over, so it would take him about ten minutes to bring up the paperwork. Luckily for me, this dolt brought the paperwork to the division at 6:30pm. So it took this genius nearly five hours to write a report and bring it to the division.

Incident #2. The desk person in the above officer’s district scanned and sent over two reports. One was a domestic assault and the other was a theft. In both cases, the desk person completed all the paperwork we are supposed to compose. So, the detectives who had to write the reports had to erase this moron’s drivel and start all the paperwork from scratch.

Incident #3. We heard the department will be promoting detectives in a month or so. This would be great news, except we heard Tuesday that our division will get no new detectives, because apparently “we have more detectives than any other division.” That is discouraging, because we’re short every single day.

Yeah, that’s about it. Diego was being Diego, but not enough to warrant a post.

True Detective Stories

I’d like to start by apologizing for this post, because it is yet another episode concerning Diego the Idiot Detective. I’m on night shift this week and next, and since Diego’s first day was yesterday, he immediately whined about his first of the evening.

You see, the jackass cops in our division made three arrests Tuesday night, and all three of the jobs were never brought to the division until Wednesday afternoon. In short, all three of these arrests needed to be processed Tuesday, but the lazy morons we work with didn’t bother to bring in any paperwork.

When my captain, who is a great guy, BTW, asked about the jobs, he looked at me like I was joking. “No boss, I’m not joking.”

So I had to assign all of these jobs because these offenders were in a cell downtown for twenty-four hours without any arrest paperwork. That’s a problem. I gave a job to little Joey, another to The Red Menace, and the last one to Diego. Guess who was the only one complaining?

I ignored Diego’s whining, gave him the job, and told him if he wanted to cry, go tell the captain. But that’s not the main reason for this post…

True Detective Stories

Let me tell you about the department’s “Special Victims Unit,” or SVU. The “Special” is highlighted, because a good 85% of the investigators spend 85% of their day passing off jobs to other districts and divisions. I mean, you can watch Law & Order SVU, but believe me that show is also absolute bullshit as well.

Anyway, yesterday one of our police districts had a job which could have – and should have – gone to SVU, since it had to do with a child. The district called SVU, got their supervisor, and as always, she decided, “Nah bra, we aren’t taking this incident,” despite it was absolutely a job they should have taken.

The officer in the district calls me – naturally – and says, “Well, um, SVU won’t take this, so we’re forwarding it to your division.”

Now I was already in a surly mood because my coworkers left me thirty unassigned jobs to enter. So I wasn’t having any of this. “Um no, we do not handle SVU crimes, and never had. You, of all people should know this.”

Then the officer on the phone immediately jumped into the Diego File. He actually replied, “Yeah, I don’t need your attitude right now.” This coming from a guy who has been on the force for three years and spent all his time inside.

I calmly replied to this jackass, with this; “How about this? You send the report to the division, I will handle it, make it an unfounded assignment and send it to DHS, which you should have done. Furthermore, your detective for the next two years will be Diego.”

While I was on the phone, I figured I’d give him some sage advice: “You’re going to need us a lot sooner than we’re going to need you.”

The Worst Police Department In America

In an astounding – and probably accidental – moment of journalism, Philadelphia’s news media investigators revealed one of the most incompetent, corrupt, and lazy actions perpetrated by the Philadelphia Police Department.

Shineka Crawford will never forget the day her 18-year-old son Shaquille Barbour was killed. She was at a family gathering in North Philadelphia last summer, when she learned a gunman shot Shaquille more than a dozen times. Crawford found him bleeding in the street.

But according to Philadelphia Police Department records, Barbour was not shot on the 1700 block of 68th Avenue in West Oak Lane in front of family. The data showed he was killed in Disney World.

Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey, one of the worst police commissioners in the city’s history, started this trend years ago, thanks to his uber-corrupt data analyst. Instead of correcting the location – which would have been corrected once the report was filed – the city made the choice to send the report to Walt Disney World.

For more than a decade, if Philadelphia police officers made a typo or were unable to record a precise location for a crime committed in the city, the department would mark the incident with GPS coordinates inside Disney World in Florida. Specifically, the area behind Cinderella’s Castle known as “Fantasyland” became the default location for inaccurate crime data.

In her son Shaquille’s case, instead of logging his homicide as occurring in the 1700 block of 68th Avenue, officers recorded the crime’s location as the 1700 block of North 68th Street. That location doesn’t exist, so in the department’s records, the incident was assigned coordinates for Fantasyland.

This is a despicable practice, and most police departments send typos into the coordinates 0,0, which is the Atlantic Ocean. They could obviously make the report unfounded and write a more accurate report, but that would mean someone would have to do the work. That’s not a big priority in Philadelphia.

The NBC10 Investigators learned that over the past six years, more than 5,000 crimes—including 16 arsons, 50 homicides, and 298 auto thefts—were plotted to Disney World.

The report claims 5,000 crimes were sent to Fantasyland, but the accurate numbers are likely closes to 10,000. But wait, here is the best part. It’s not just the stats that are corrupt…

The Philadelphia Police Department’s director of research and analysis, Kevin Thomas, said he had not heard of the Disney World coordinates policy until NBC10 brought it to his attention.

This is an absolute lie. Thomas runs the Research and Analysis Unit, and he knows every nook and cranny of the unit. Not only does Thomas know these crimes were sent to Disney World, but he and/or his employees are the ones shipping them to Fantasyland.

True Detective Stories

Today’s episodes of True Detective Stories are fairly long, but I needed to vent about two terrible, idiotic, clueless employees in my department. I’ll begin with the bigger idiot, then pivot to a clueless district captain.

Part 1. You may remember Fat Albert, a “detective” in name only, who has spent his eighteen years in our division worming out of work. He is a useless piece of detritus who purposefully screws up jobs so another detective will be assigned his cases. The man is morbidly obese, is battling diabetes, and still eats donuts and snacks all day long.

Any hoo, Fat Albert’s diabetes got the best of him, and he lost a few toes. As a result, he needs to be medically cleared to come back to work, and instead of heading to the Medical Office, he just stopped coming to work. Fat Albert hasn’t been to work in about three months, wasting all his sick time. Until Wednesday.

Fat Albert waddled into the division, walked to his desk, and went on his computer. I mentioned to him that he was not allowed in the division, because he has not been cleared. He ignored me. I checked on him every half hour, and when I walked past him, he wasn’t working on cases, he was watching YouTube…

True Detective Stories

So yesterday was another fabulous day at work. Most of the squad was at court – again – which left me with Salma Hayek, Captain Rogers, and Little Joey. Salma was the only one on the early shift, which was too bad, because she got stuck with some utter and complete bullshite.

A rookie cop responded to a carjacking in his district – carjackings are an epidemic in this garbage town – at 4am. The overnight shift’s hours are 11pm-7am, which gave this borderline idiot plenty of time to bring the report to the division.

I walked in to work at 6:30am, and when I came to my desk, the carjacking paperwork was lying there. I turned to the overnight supervisor and asked, “Is someone handling this, because the report was taken at 4am.” The overnight shift had three hours to handle the incident, so I was wondering why they were bagging us with this nonsense…

True Detective Stories

There are very few people I despise more than Diego the Idiot Detective. F. Joe Biden is one, the entirety of the Philadelphia Eagles are another, and the Antifa/BLM contingent. Other than that, Diego is right up there.

Saturday morning was another day of being short-staffed. One detective was on vacation and two others had to work the ridiculous Gun Buy Back initiative, where people bring 100-year old rusted hulks of firearms to receive a gift card. Thanks to the gun buy back, we had four detectives on the floor. Well, three, because Diego is not a real detective.

At about 9am, Diego comes to the front of the room and tells me and the sergeant he has to check a CVS Pharmacy for video of a shoplifting incident where the offender took maybe $20 worth of items. He then said he had to take evidence downtown afterward. The sergeant – an old-timer – said, “You don’t need video for the CVS because the D.A. won’t prosecute it.” As Diego was about to open his mouth, the sergeant said, “Take the evidence downtown, and be back here immediately, since we’re so short.”

Diego agreed, but we all knew better.

You see, this fat piece of garbage works very hard to get out of work. He’ll say he needs to go somewhere, then returns hours later. So, when he was about to leave the building, I said, “I am NOT skipping you. If you have a job, it’s going to be your job, and I’m not having one of our coworkers do it for you.”

We started placing bets, and I said he wouldn’t return until 1pm; an hour before we’re closed. The others guessed noon, but even I thought they didn’t really believe that. I did, however, walk back at 11:30 to let them know he was already gone for two and a half hours… and counting.

Diego officially returned a few minutes before noon… three hours later.

True Detective Stories

Normally, I try to post True Detective Stories during the week, because most people don’t read the weekend posts. That said, this post had to go up today before the brain aneurysm started rolling through my skull.

So Friday was secret mountain fort awesome. We were scheduled to have eight detectives on the floor, and when I walked into the building, I was informed seven of the eight detectives were either in court or training. Worse still, I was also informed the domestic detectives and the school detective were also at court or in training.

So that left Salma Hayek and myself. That’s it, no one else.

Naturally, the day turned to complete shite, as we started the day with a commercial burglary, then a robbery, then a missing man with dementia. Every job had to go to Salma, because she was the only detective on the floor, while I had to answer all the phones and assign the non-priority jobs to the detectives at court…

PPD Commish Demotes Iconic Deputy

This is former Philadelphia Deputy Police Commissioner Christine Coulter. Coulter is one of a handful of bosses who 1. knows the job inside and out, and 2. is a very decent person, especially when it comes to the troops. Most of the department respects Coulter, which is why so many of the rank and file are now pissed off.

You see, Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw – who does all her work inside her office for fear of roaming the streets of Philadelphia – demoted Coulter after an argument over a police-involved shooting. Apparently Outlaw wanted the officer fired immediately, despite the fact she knew none of the particulars of the incident.

Coulter allegedly told the commissioner something along the lines of, “I was there. I saw what happened, while you sat in your office all day.”

Like I said, Coulter is aces. She was a sergeant when I first got on. Always very helpful.

Deputy Commissioner Christine Coulter tells FOX 29 news she has not yet made a decision about her future with the Philadelphia Police Department.

Sources say she was involved in a verbal dispute with Commissioner Danielle Outlaw over the handling of a recent shooting incident. Following the argument those sources say Outlaw gave Coulter the option to be demoted after the disagreement.

The officer in the shooting was a white male, which I assume is why Outlaw wanted him fired.

Law enforcement sources had previously told FOX 29 that Coulter had resigned.

“I did not resign. No decision has been made yet,” Coulter told FOX 29’s Steve Keeley.

I sincerely hope Coulter stays on, since she is the only boss in the department with common sense.

If she is fired, Coulter will not have to worry about anything. You see, Coulter was the acting police commissioner before Outlaw was hired, and when our idiot mayor openly stated he was only looking for a minority hire, and not whites, Coulter sued the city, and was rewarded with a very nice settlement.

True Detective Stories

I was really fired up when this True Detective Story came to my desk Thursday night, so I waited a few days to post about it; lest I strangle the officers responsible.

So, Philadelphia – like every leftist blue city – has a carjacking problem. We’re seeing between five to fifteen carjackings every day, mostly point of gun. it’s a pandemic in this garbage city, so when we get a legitimate carjacking with a known doer, we cannot wait until we find the vehicle.

That actually occurred Thursday night. The day shift put out a carjacking alert, and at about 5pm, the police district downstairs received a call that the vehicle was found. We already knew the identity of the offender, so the only thing left to do was to recover the vehicle and take it to the Auto Pound where it can be processed. if we print the vehicle, it’s likely the offender’s prints will show up, and we have an open and shut case…