True Detective Stories

So I started night work on Saturday, and while I only walked into a handful of jobs, there was one specific report which caught my eye.

You see, when you work in a large police division, it takes a while to figure out how to properly pronounce the street names. In my division, there is a Bouvier Street. I assumed the French pronunciation, but the locals call it “Boo-veer” for some idiotic reason.

Anyway, a rookie female officer was on patrol when she was assigned a domestic assault. The officer arrived at the location, completed the report, and sent the report to the division. The incident happened on Nedro Avenue.

While reading the report, I immediately looked at the location. The officer reported the incident occurred at Negro Avenue.

Yeah, someone’s getting a talking to this week.

True Detective Stories

I hate this job anymore.

So Saturday morning, I arrived at work around 6:25am. I always get there early so I can catch up on the previous day’s work. As I approach my desk, there is an officer impatiently waiting for me. I place my backpack on the desk, and start my pre-day routine.

The cop is staring at me, possibly because I was setting up my desk, so I ask him, “What do you need, officer?” He replies, “I need you to do a gun trace for me.”

Now this cop works the overnight shift, so I ask him why didn’t any of the overnight officers do this. He replied, “They were all busy,” and he said it with obvious contempt.

Now I’m getting angry. This guy is being an asshole, he left the gun and the paperwork on the desk so I can’t put my items there, and he’s demanding I do this trace for him. I politely told him I am not on the clock until 7am, and I have work to do before that. That wasn’t good enough.

This prick then says, “Yo, I want to go home,” so I tell him, “I haven’t done a gun trace through the federal application, but I’ll enter it, and if it’s wrong, that’s on you.”

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Thug With Screwdriver Attacks Officers

A black male entered Philadelphia’s 39th District Wednesday and asked to speak to a police officer. The officer opened the door, the thug pushed his way inside, and started assaulting him and another officer with a screwdriver. Why is it that all the exciting altercations happen on my day off?

The officer opened the secure side door to the operations room to go and speak with the 23-year-old suspect. At that point, Philadelphia Police Sergeant Eric Gripp says the suspect lunged into the operations room and at the officer.

The suspect, who was armed with a screwdriver, began fighting with an officer inside the operations room, according to police. A second officer got involved in the scuffle and attempted to disarm the suspect as he swung the screwdriver.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the city of Philadelphia.

During the altercation, a female officer who was inside the operations room discharged her service weapon, striking the suspect in the torso.

An officer who was involved in the fight suffered wounds to the back of his head and a second officer suffered an injury to his elbow, upper body and hand. Both officers are expected to be okay. The discharging officer was not injured during the incident.

While this story is chock full of awful, this was the most surprising tidbit…

The Philadelphia District Attorney’s Office charged Dondrick Massey-Burch Thursday with aggravated assault, possession of an instrument of crime, simple assault and reckless endangerment.

Unfortunately, our Soros-appointed District Attorney will drop the aggravated assault and PIC charges before the end of the weekend.

A Sad Day For New Orleans

A Louisiana sheriff’s deputy has died after he was ambushed by a despicable thug in 2016. Three of his comrades were murdered by this thug, but Nick Tullier survived his injuries for six years. Tullier passed away this week.

East Baton Rouge Parish sheriff’s deputy Nick Tullier, wounded six years ago in an ambush on law enforcement officers in the aftermath of Alton Sterling-related protests, has died, his family said Thursday. He was 47.

The longtime officer is the fourth to die after the assault outside an Airline Highway convenience store July 17, 2016. Deputy Brad Garafola and Baton Rouge policemen Montrell Jackson and Matthew Gerald died during the Sunday morning attack.

Police believe this POS shot the officers after the Alton Sterling killing, an incident investigated by the DoJ which found there was no wrongdoing by the officers. Sterling has a loaded revolver in his pocket and was trying to use it against those officers.

A phalanx of motorcycle officers, their blue lights flashing, escorted a white hearse in a 10½-mile procession from Our Lady of the Lake Regional Medical Center to a Denham Springs funeral home on Thursday. While police only blocked the route toward the Seale Funeral Home, even drivers on the opposite side of the road pulled over in tribute.

[Gavin Eugene] Long killed Garafola, Gerald and Jackson before dying in a hail of gunfire. Police later learned Long had traveled to Baton Rouge after the fatal police shooting of Sterling a few weeks earlier, which ignited nationwide protests about police brutality. (H/T – Clay)

May God welcome Deputy Tullier into His arms.

True Detective Stories

I apologize for two True Detective Stories in two days, but I really needed to rant about yesterday.

I walked in early – 6:30am – and the overnight shift left us a domestic arrest. There were a few detectives still working, so I wondered why they did not handle the job.

The overnight shift is filled with quite a few morons and lazy clowns, so it wasn’t a surprise when I saw the arrest occurred at 5:30am. An hour and a half before their shift ended.

I softly (read: loudly) mentioned to my sergeant that the victim had been sitting in the hallway for over an hour, and no one bothered to help this woman. I them also mentioned we only had one detective in at 7am (Salma) and two in at 8am. Nearly everyone else was indisposed.

Two detectives were in court, one detective called off sick, our domestic team called out, and – get this – Diego the Idiot Detective took a vacation day…

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True Detective Stories

So Sunday was a joy to behold. We started with a body floating in the creek, which had been in the creek for days. Diego the idiot Detective had to get a search warrant for a firearms arrest, and one of our better detectives called out sick. Diego then asked Salma Hayek if she would show a photo array to one of Diego’s victims.

That’s when everything went to hell.

Diego ran out of the building as quickly as possible, probably because he knew he completely screwed up the photo array. In our department, you need to show six photos; no more, no less. Diego gave Salma five large photos, and one small photo – that photo was of the offender. Not prejudicial there, amirite?

Strike one

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True Detective Stories

So the other day, a police officer brought in a domestic assault arrest. The offender allegedly punched the victim multiple times in her face, and was arrested on-scene. The officer brought in the combatants, and I assigned the job to Salma Hayek.

Salma was preparing the interview for the woman, and when she went out into the lobby, Aunt Esther was nowhere to be found. (Yes, the woman looked like Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son, but with a worse demeanor.)

Salma comes back into the room and says, “One of the officers downstairs said Aunt Esther went to get some food.” This after she was just beaten by her husband. We need the victim to make the arrest, but Aunt Esther left anyway.

About an hour later, Aunt Esther showed up at the division. The female officer downstairs brought her upstairs, and when she passed me she said, “This woman is an insufferable bitch.” I assumed she was exaggerating… until Aunt Esther started banging on the door.

I opened the door, and Aunt Esther demanded why she was not yet interviewed. I replied, “Because you left for an hour, never told us where you were going, and no one could find you. I’ll have your detective come out when she’s ready for you.”

Two minutes later, this bitch is banging on the door again. I open it, and she states she’s cold, and she wants to be interviewed NOW. At this point, I stopped caring, and told her that the detective will be out momentarily before closing the door. I then not-so-politely asked Salma to get this woman out of the building because I cannot listen to her whining anymore.

Salma, being a doll, went out to start the interview. About thirty seconds in, Aunt Esther started arguing with Salma, and interrupting her interview questions. Esther then started yelling at Salma, and Salma said, “Okay, we’re done here.”

When you can get Salma angry, you should know you’re an insufferable bitch.

Why Don’t People Want To Be Cops?

For the record, the title is dripping with sarcasm. I know why no one wants to do the job – and I respect that – but a recent study from the useless FBI shows another reason why no one wants to be a police officer.

Murders of police officers rose by nearly 60% during 2021, amid a wider rise in violent crime across the US, according to FBI Director Christopher Wray. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Mr Wray said 73 officers were killed in the line of duty last year.

As of April 1, seventeen officers were murdered, so we’re on pace for 68 dead officers by year’s end.

Murders of all kinds across the US have risen dramatically since 2019. Mr Wray said violence against police was a “phenomena” that “doesn’t get enough attention”.

Well golly, you think that has to do with the left’s constant attacks – physically and online through the media – toward officers these past few years?

He said it amounted to an officer killed every five days. Around 1,000 people are killed in the US by police each year, although only a small proportion of cases lead to criminal charges.

Since I’ve joined the department, there have been a dozen officers killed by gunfire, and thirteen by other means – auto accidents, drowning, etc. So I’m seeing almost a death every year.

After twenty-eight years of policing, I have learned a thing or two. First, please do not become a police officer, especially in this anti-police climate. Second, please do not let your children become a police officer, especially in a blue city.

I would rather see my kids digging ditches than joining a police department. It is arguably the worst profession in America.

True Detective Stories

This may surprise you, but I am not the most popular detective in my division. When you spend your day doling out jobs no one wants to handle, you don’t get invited to many parties. It also doesn’t help that I’m a sarcastic a-hole, but I can get away with it because I’m pretty damn good at my job.

So it came as a surprise yesterday when one of the captain’s aides walked by my desk and asked if I could enter a job for her. I said sure, entered the job, and when I was done she asked if I was in the DROP program. (That’s the early retirement initiative.)

I responded, “Yeah, why?” The aide stopped in her tracks, turned toward me and said, “Oh no, really? When are you leaving?!”

“Well, I’m almost two years in. My official last day is November 1, 2024.”

The aide actually sighed, and replied, “Oh thank goodness. I was worried you were leaving soon.”

It’s nice to have someone you respect compliment you on your job performance, even if it’s rare.

True Detective Stories

Today’s True Detective Stories profile the dumbest two detectives in my squad: Fat Albert and Diego the Idiot Detective. I’ll start with Diego, because his story is funnier than Fat Albert’s.

So amazingly, Diego had a jury trial yesterday. When you’re listed for a jury trial, you want to dress appropriately. You don’t have to wear a suit, but a decent polo shirt and clean khakis will do the trick.

Diego, being a fashion icon, wore khaki pants and a white-ish shirt. I say that because I saw the photos my coworkers sent me. Diego was wearing a white polo which was covered with grungy spots – probably leftover food – and it was entirely too tight. His stomach looked much larger than normal – if that’s possible – and he looked like he slept in the outfit.

The ADA met with the detectives and called everyone up to the stand… except Diego. Hmm, I wonder if the spilled food spots had anything to do with it?

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