True Detective Stories

You know, I didn’t want to post any True Detective Stories during my vacation – I got back January 3rd – and I certainly didn’t want to post this particular post, because it puts a lot of my coworkers in a terrible light.

Since they don’t like me very much, I’m posting it anyway.

So every Christmas and Christmas Eve, districts with a lot of manpower let officers and detectives come in a little late or go home a little early. Christmas usually isn’t a violent day, and it gives the employees some time to spend with their family. When days like these come around, there is always an unbreakable golden rule…


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True Detective Stories

So last night was my final day of work in 2021. Christmas vacation begins today, which is great because last night sucked copious amounts of ass.

The day began when an off-duty supervisor decided to drive around the division looking for crimes to solve. Mind you, this dolt was on his day off, but he’s one of those super cops who thinks he’s going to save the world. He was investigating the theft of an ATM from the previous evening, and decided he found one of the people responsible for the theft. There was actually no evidence of this, but hey, since he’s a boss he could just send them to us.

Last night we had five detectives on the floor. Before this supervisor’s shenanigans, we already had a firearms arrest, a domestic assault where a pistol was involved, a stolen gun report, and a commercial robbery. The supervisor wanted us to drop all these actual jobs, and work solely on his nonsense. Thankfully, we avoided that, and one of the detectives interviewed this woman.

After a quick interview, we left the woman in the interrogation room as we waited for the officers to take her back downstairs. When the detective opened the door, the woman had her pants around her ankles, and she urinated all over the floor. While the other detectives were screaming at her for being an animal, my job was to break out the mop.

I mean, if you haven’t mopped up adult urine, have you ever really lived?

In the meantime, Diego the Idiot Detective had the gun-pointing domestic assault. Instead of taking the interview and helping us with the dozens of real jobs we had piling up, he spent his entire evening working on this one insignificant assignment. There wasn’t even any proof there was a gun involved; it was all hearsay. But hey, Diego gonna Diego.

The rest of the evening was a blur. We handled two more firearms arrests, a stolen U-Haul truck which was filled with dozens of computers, a couple domestic incidents and a robbery or two. Most of which were from one district – the worst district in the city – and the district with the dumbest police officers by far. Most of these clowns make Diego look like a MENSA candidate.

Oh well, at least the next two weeks will be fun. No idiot cops, no stupid phone questions, and no Diego.

True Detective Stories

So yesterday I dragged my nearly dead carcass to work, because Salma Hayek and Diego the Idiot Detective were on vacation, and The Red Menace was off sick. We had two detectives on the floor, and me hacking and sneezing for eight hours, praying for a quick death.

The deskperson subs left me close to thirty unassigned jobs, and I mentioned to my coworkers it would really help if they could occasionally pick up the phone – primarily because my voice was shot. That never happened, and I answered about ninety percent of all the calls. That’s where this episode of TDS begins.

A young woman called asking about her domestic assault report. She seemed pleasant enough, but she had almost no information about her case. No report number, no date and/or time, only the address where the incident occurred. Our new computer system can only search by report numbers – the city wanted to save money, so it’s difficult to find jobs if the number is missing.

Eventually, I found the job, and gave her what I could. Yes, the offender has an active body warrant. and yes, he will be arrested when an officer stops him.

That wasn’t enough for this chick…

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True Detective Stories

This will not be your usual edition of TDS; there are few, if any, morons in this story, and yours truly is part of the action.

A few weeks ago, two detectives proposed having a Christmas party for our squad. We haven’t had a Christmas party since 2018, so most everyone was excited about the chance to go out and bond after work. I mean, not me, because I hate humans, but everyone else was raring and ready to go.

The party was going to be held Friday, December 10th, at the Duba Karaoke and Pub in Cheltenham; a Korean business which has a restaurant on the top floor, and a karaoke bar on the lower floor. I was hesitant about this because 1. I hate humans, and 2. I had zero interest in singing. Unfortunately my female coworkers – Salma Hayek and the Red Menace – threatened to come to my house and drag me there.

Before you ask, yes, both of these crazy women would do that, so I decided I’d make an appearance. You know, like when the Queen of England comes to the balcony, waves her hand, and walks away.

The detective who set this all up told us we should arrive at 5:30pm. I wanted to be a bit early – so I could see who was walking in – and after a few minutes I decided to enter. The employee said our party was downstairs, and when I walked down the steps, I saw the village of the damned. Three detectives were at a table – Fat Albert, Diego, and a Mr. Nice Guy. The three are arguably the most annoying people in the building, and I was stuck with them…

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True Detective Stories

There is a much more entertaining True Detective Stories coming up later today, but this tale of woe needed to take precedence.

I walked into work at 6:30am on Sunday, started entering Saturday’s late jobs, and smiled that there were only three jobs to assign. It was going to be a very good day.

While searching through the unassigned jobs queue, I saw a report from the worst district in the division. They cops who work in this particular district are the worst of the worst. They tape phone conversations when they call the division – a felony in Pennsylvania – they call us and ask stupid questions they should be asking their supervisor, and they take hours to bring in priority reports.

The report I spied was a firearms arrest. This is a priority job, and it needs to be brought to us expeditiously because we need to run a gun trace, swab the firearm for DNA, and obtain a search warrant for the swab. What used to be a one hour arrest is not a three-hour chore…

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True Detective Stories

So yesterday was fabulous. I walked into to work and found a retail theft arrest from 1am – which the overnight shift left for us – then two morons brought in a gun arrest from 4am – which the overnight shift left for us – and then this debacle which made me want to jump off the roof.

So these two idiotic cops walk into the division and claim a prisoner assaulted then while they were on a hospital detail. The offender was arrested for a carjacking, then claimed his back was hurting. The officers brought him to the hospital for this obviously staged injury, and at one point, the jackass nurse removes the offender’s restraints.

The cops say nothing.

The offender then stands up to use the portable pee jug, and when he’s finished, he walks out with the pee jug in one hand and a syringe in the other. Well done, officers; I’m sure you both will be top commanders in a few years…

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A Day To Remember

L to R: Cathy, Me, and Bill

I apologize for being less than available yesterday, but I was spending most of the day at a retirement party. A member of my police academy class was retiring after twenty-seven years of service. Lieutenant William Hill – I can’t believe he outranked me! – was finally hanging up the badge and running toward greener pastures.

When we started the academy, our clique was very small. It was me, Joe Lange, Cathy Minner, and Bill Hill. We spent a lot of time together, worked out together, and ran the mile and a half run together after classes.

Cathy and Bill were almost immediately dubbed “Mom and Dad.” They were a good ten years older than us kids at the start of our journey, and the always referred to themselves as “Bride and Groom.” Bill and Cathy were amazing cops; dedicated, caring, and always ready for a fight. Cathy retired first, as she had previous city employment experience. Bill was promoted to sergeant, then lieutenant, and for the last three years, he has been on Injured on Duty status…

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True Detective Stories

Occasionally I start these True Detective Stories with something along the lines of, “This doesn’t mean to be a bitch post…”

This post is exclusively a bitch post, so if you don’t feel like reading it, that’s cool.

Yesterday ended my two weeks of night work. As one of the pretty police officers downstairs always says, “Last day, best day.” Sadly, yesterday was nothing of the sort. I walked into the division at 2:40pm, and the floor was a ghost town. There was one detective left from the early shift, which was odd because there are usually a handful of detectives at that time of day.

I didn’t lose my mind about the lack of manpower, because screw them; if they want to run a skeleton crew, that’s on them.

Sadly, it was on us.

My desk was covered with paperwork from the early shift, which usually gets placed into their inbox. The only time we have to handle jobs from a previous shift is when they are priorities. Unluckily for me and my squad, there were three robbery reports on the desk. One of which was taken at 12:25pm, which was two and a half hours before my shift began. Where the f**k were the detectives, and how can they get away with leaving us three robberies which occurred on a different shift?

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True Detective Stories

So the department’s commanders, in their truly finite wisdom, have decided there are entirely too many shootings and homicides in this city. No kidding?

Before I get to this ridiculous plan, some background. The city has not promoted detectives since 2019, and we are losing detectives every week from retirements, attrition, or outright resignations. My squad should have fifteen detectives, but we’re working with twelve. (Technically, we have eleven, because one detective is on military leave until January.) My squad averages twenty to forty jobs during an eight-hour shift, and we are in the busiest division in the city.

In short, we’re short. Every detective division in the city is in the same predicament.

This is what the commanders drummed up to stop the flow of violence. Detective Headquarters decided they would take detectives from the divisions and send them downtown to police HQ. When a non-fatal shooting occurs, these detectives would have to drive to different parts of the city, handle the shooting, and return to Police HQ to process the paperwork.

This is idiotic for three reasons. First, the divisional detectives are intimately familiar with the divisions where they work. Everyone knows where the hot spots are, and everyone knows who the bad guys are. Now, they’re sending detectives to different parts of the city, where they don’t know the lay of the land.

Second, the divisions are compartmentalized. A shooting comes in, the detective heads to the scene, and comes back to the division. The furthest district is maybe twenty-five minutes away, tops. Now, if you’re at Police HQ and you need to go to Northeast or Southwest Division, you’re looking at maybe an hour, one way.

Finally, this plan will decimate detective divisions. We’re already way too short to handle the insane amount of jobs we receive. Imagine how bad it will be when we lose half our detectives.

This department has made many terrible decisions in my twenty-eight years, but this is by far the dumbest idea they have ever imagined.

1,068 days.

True Detective Stories

So yesterday sucked.

Every Thanksgiving, we are always assured there would be someone from the shooting team and someone from domestics. This year? There were no shooting teams, and no domestic detectives.

I walked in and immediately the day work lieutenant approached me, which is never a good sign. He said there was a clusterf*ck coming in from one of the dumber districts. My squad was terribly short – three detectives in all – so manpower was a problem. Apparently, the cop stopped a stolen vehicle, and instead of recovering the vehicle, Super Cop decided to take out the occupants and search them. That’s kind of a no-no, but whatever.

While this genius searched the offenders, he left the key in his vehicle and forgot to put the vehicle into park. The patrol car started rolling, and struck a fire hydrant, causing serious damage.

The officer arrived – three hours after the he stopped the vehicle – and had a gun that he found after searching a juvenile. Again, kind of a no-no. We asked him why it took three f**king hours to being in the job, and he started giving us back-sass. My lieutenant arrived by then, and the cop back-sassed him, too. Not a good plan.

After talking to Super Cop, we found a few more details. The car he stopped was stolen out of Cheltenham, a town just north of Philly. Instead of holding the car, Super Cop called Cheltenham to recover the car, meaning the evidence was now in another jurisdiction. Oh, and did I tell you Super Cop did not initiate the car stop? Two of his coworkers did that, and they left early for Thanksgiving.

So the cops we needed to make a case left for the day, the car was returned to Cheltenham, and Super Cop’s report made no mention of the two arresting officers, the stolen car, and the stolen tag which was on the car that he never recovered.

I’m no detective, but I guarantee this entire case gets tossed at the preliminary hearing.

Oh, by the end of the day, we had this idiotic job, an armed robbery, three missing person reports, a guy who was shot at while driving his car, and many domestic cases. It was the busiest Thanksgiving I have ever worked, because the animals know nothing else.