Planet Fatness

Well, I should be looking like this by Christmastime, thanks to Philadelphia’s drunken, douchebag mayor. Jim “I’ll Have Another Drink” Kenney will be shutting down the city tomorrow through January 2nd, and among the soon-to-be-dead are gyms and fitness centers.

I’ve been really good at getting to the gym three to four times a week, and alternating days with ten-mile bike rides. I’m currently sitting at 188 pounds, and I’d like to get below 185 -where I was before the March shutdown.

None of this makes any sense. Essentially, the mayor is claiming gyms need to shut down because the members may pass on the Chinese Wuhan Virus, even after the local Planet Fitness spokesman said not one of the gyms has had an outbreak since reopening in September. Not one. Worse still, why would you punish the people who are working their asses off to stay healthy. That’s likely the reason we’ve had no outbreaks… because we’re working out every other day.

Instead, this dick would have us locked in our homes, gaining weight, and making us more susceptible to catch the virus. It’s the most ridiculous paradox I have ever seen.

Our jackass mayor’s capricious reasoning was based upon Philadelphia’s 1,900 Chinese Wuhan Virus deaths, and 55,000 positive tests. So, in Philadelphia, the fatality rate of the virus is 3.4 percent. OH MY GOD SHUT IT DOWN!

Today is my last day at the gym until next year, and after talking to some of the employees at my gym, they are less than pleased. They will be unemployed through the New Year, and some of them have no idea how they’ll make ends meet, let alone pay for a nice Christmas for their families.

It took me two months to get back into shape, only to be banned from my gym thanks to a petulant drunken dictator. Pretty soon, it’ll be too cold to ride the bike, and with no gym, I’m going to have to find other ways to stay slightly less fat.

Conquering The Mountain

After living as a Fatty McButterpants for years, I decided to straighten up and fly right in 2013. I started walking, jogging, and cycling and began tracking my progress with the Map My Walk app. It keeps track of your distance, pace, and calories burned. Throughout the year, the app lets you join challenges, where you can reach a certain amount of miles, or a certain amount of days of exercise. The most difficult challenge is You Vs. The Year.

To complete YVTY, you need to walk/jog/run/cycle 1,020 kilometers (633 miles) in a calendar year. The closest I have ever come was 800 kilometers, and that was mostly walking and jogging. This year, I added cycling into the mix, and have been riding ten miles nearly every other day since August. It did make the challenge a little easier, but biking ten miles is pretty grueling.

That said, I finally did it!

As of this moment, I’m at 1,043 kilometers (642 miles) and will continue to improve my mileage. I’m still a little heavier than I’d like to be – currently at 189, when I’d like to be 180 again – but I’m also hitting the gym every other day. I still feel great, and with the exception of the pulled back muscle, I’m good to go.

Pump It Up

Pennsylvania Uber-Fuhrer Tom Wolf has decreed the commonwealth’s gyms could reopen yesterday. Naturally, Herr Wolf had conditions, including a limit on people in attendance, and masks for everyone.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to work out while wearing a mask? You’re already a sweaty mess, and the mask makes it difficult to breathe.

But I digress.

The kind and generous Uber-Fuhrer has allowed us peasants to get healthy again, but I was concerned with the regulations. The mask wasn’t such a big deal, but I was worried the cap on gym rats would leave me out in the cold hot. I walked to the gym – it’s about a half mile from home – and the parking lot looked sparse. Good sign. There was a flyer on the door explaining the maximum occupancy, as well. I took a deep breath, read the flyer, and boom… 145 people was the limit.

In eleven months of going to Planet Fitness, I have never seen 145 people in there at once.

In fact, when I arrived at 9am, there were seven people working out, and three employees. That’s it. Either people were worried about the Chinese Wuhan Virus, or they didn’t want to show up on the first day. Their loss was my gain.

While I have been jogging all year – I’m currently sitting at 328 miles – I am completely out of shape. I used the weight I was using in March for every machine I hit, and immediately had to “adjust” the plates. I couldn’t lift anything close to the weight I was working out with four months ago. I know that’s common, but it’s depressing; the regression that comes with this b.s. pandemic.

That said, I had an overall good day. I worked out for a little over an hour, hit all the machines I wanted, and while I am really, really sore today, but I’m SOOO glad to be back there.

I Walk (And Jog) The Line

It’s been a while since I posted about my morbid obesity, so why not post an update during a lazy dog-danglin’ afternoon?

The bad news is the Wuhan Virus has closed my local gym, and I haven’t been there since early March. I’ve had a membership at Planet Fitness since last July, and I was going every other day to lift weights and hit the treadmills. On the off days I would walk or jog at least four miles every day, and my weight fluctuated between 180-185 pounds. It’s the lightest I’ve been in nearly thirty years. Life was good.

Then the Chinese screwed all of us. The gym closed – and will be closed until at least August – and the stress of all this led to bad eating habits. So yeah, thanks Governor Wolf. You prick.

The good news is I snapped out of the funk in April, and decided if I can’t get to the gym – I REALLY need my gym – I’ll find other outlets. Thank Vishnu I like to walk/jog.

To date, I have completed 76 workouts for a total of 295 miles this year. (It’s tracked by the Map My Walk app.) Recently I have been doing less walking and more jogging/running, and my endurance is top-notch. Yes, I would like to alternate with weight training, but all things considered, I’m doing well.

As of today, I am sitting at 187 pounds; a two pound gain since March 16th, and still under my kill zone of 190. I never want to go above 190 ever again.

So yeah, the gym would have me closer to 180, but I’m doing pretty well without it right now. I’m still a 34-inch waist, and while I could use plenty of tone, I am fairly happy with how I feel.

I mean, I’d like to be the kid pictured above again, but that’s never going to happen.

Hot Under The Collar

This has been a busy week. I’m off night work for two weeks – after one night where I entered 37 jobs – so I can prepare for waking up at 5:40am for a while. On my last day I asked my lieutenant if I could change my group as well. I’ll still be in the same division, but I’ll be working with my squad all the time, instead of a two-day crossover. It’ll mean a little less work on my end, and I won’t be responsible for entering cases from my squad and the other squad.

On Tuesday I had to go food shopping, buy new work pants, and new work shirts. Apparently I am now a 34-inch waist, down from a 36, and my weight is stalling between 181 and 183 pounds. When I wear the 36 pants with my firearm, they sag like a rapper’s ensemble. Can’t have that…

Continue reading “Hot Under The Collar”

Thin Mince

Yes, I know you’re tired of these weight loss posts, but it’s a Friday afternoon, and you’re already at happy hour. So, while you’re munching on your martini olives, I’ll give you a status update.

My gym is still closed, and I’m in withdrawal after a week away from the weights. I’ve made up for that with jogging, and yesterday I jogged five miles, stopping only once because my stupid Google Music app shut off. I hit the first mile in under ten minutes, and my total time for 5.01 miles was 52:13, new records for post-high school me.

I was celebrating that milestone, then remembered I was hitting 17:00 for 3.1 miles in high school. Ah, to be young again.

The weight is also down – again. Yesterday I weighed in at 180.6 pounds! I can almost taste the 170’s.

While I was doing a bit of bragging, Mrs. Earp snarked, “Well, your belly is still a little big.” She was kidding, but she’s right. I’d like to hit 170, but I haven’t been able to do as much ab work with the gym closed. That’s not an excuse, but there it is.

While I’m at it, I’d like to encourage those of you who wanna lose some pounds. I did this by cutting carbs out of my diet, and walking/jogging. It took me nearly ten months to jog five miles without a break. It’s difficult, but every day gets a little easier. If it can work for a fat slob like me, it can work for anyone.

Droppin’ Rhymes, And Three Dimes

On New Year’s Day, my fat, disgusting body tipped the scale at 212 pounds. At 5’9″, I looked like a slightly slimmer Michael Moore. So I decided to make a change. cut my carbs, jog a lot, and join Planet Fitness.

Nine months and thirty pounds later, I am sitting at a less-fat 182.

I almost look like the scrawny kid in the photo above. Okay, not really, because when that photo was taken in 1987, I was about this height and I weighed 130 pounds. In short, I looked like Kyle.

I know this is boring to most of you, but I’m actually proud of myself. My willpower has always been lacking, but after the prostate cancer scares, I figured I needed to get in shape. I wasted half my life eating what I wanted, sitting around the house watching television, and being embarrassed – rightly so – by my appearance.

I still don’t like the way my stomach looks, but the twelve staple scars from my intestinal surgery gave it a misshapen form. That said, our Pretty Asian female mail carrier stopped me last week to tell me how great I looked. That was nice.

My plan is to continue avoiding the carbs, hitting the gym – I go every other day – and jogging on off days. Some of my fat clothes are being jettisoned, ans as of right now I am about a quarter inch from fitting into pants with a 34 waist!

I’m Not Fat, I’m Big Boned

When we returned from the Outer Banks on August 11th, I made a point to step on the scale the next morning. The scale read a depressing 189 pounds. I gained eight pounds in two weeks, thanks mostly to the delicious food I was shoveling into my gullet. Obviously, I needed to get back to work. So, after two weeks of heading to Planet Fitness and jogging – I did five miles in 56:15, a new personal best Tuesday – I registered at 183 pounds yesterday.

The jog was great because it was the first time I got the “runner’s high” – something I hadn’t seen since high school. I jogged most of the course and only stopped a few times, only for a few seconds. If I wasn’t mistaken, I’d think I was getting in shape.

I mention this because I am scheduled for another prostate checkup in October. If I need another awful biopsy, or if I eventually get a cancer diagnosis, I want to be in the nest shape possible to deal with it.

Until then, I’ll soak in all the compliments I’ve been getting for being slightly less fat.

I Lift Things Up And Put Them Down

An artist’s conception of the author.

Two weeks ago I posted about the battles with cellulitis and my weight loss from walking/jogging. I dropped twenty-five pounds since January – most of it coming in the past few months – but it hasn’t been enough for me. Kyle needed to get in shape for lacrosse, so he joined Planet Fitness, which is right around the corner. Erik joined him, because teens can sign up for free in the summer. After a few days’ thought, I decided a gym membership was for me.


It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t missed a day. (Yes, I know chances are I’ll stop going, but honestly, I love it there.) I use one day for weight training, and one day for cardio. Today I hit the elliptical for a half hour, did about fifteen minutes on the treadmill, and walked to and from the gym.

Weight training is – obviously – more difficult. I went overboard the first day, so everything hurt for the next couple days. Other than that, I think I’m doing well. The lifting is getting easier, the cardio is a (sweaty) breeze, and I’d like to think I’m getting a little more solid.

I don’t want to get huge, rippling muscles; I just don’t want man boobs or a saggy, disgusting stomach. I’m currently sitting at 187 pounds, which is nice, but I’d really like to be closer to 180. That said, I look better than I have in a while and I certainly feel better.

Hopefully I’ll keep up this pace. When we go on vacation in two weeks, I’ll stay in shape by jogging on the beach/boardwalk.

UPDATE: My scale is the most cherished possession in my house. It read 185 this morning!!!

Less Is More Less

I’ve mentioned my latest bout with cellulitis – 104.5 fever for the win! – and the misery if brought forth. After a week and a half, I finally landed an appointment with my primary doctor.

I;m sure many people have problems with their doctors, but mine is awesome. I told him about the cellulitis and he responded, “Don’t you have amoxicillin?” I replied I ran out, then after giving me a disapproving look, he said, “You need it. Like every day.”

So the doc hooked me up, and hopefully the cellulitis will be kept at bay for a while. But that’s not why I’m posting this today.

I am posting this because the doctor walked into the room, stopped, and said, “Wow, you look great. How much weight have you lost?” I told him I was 212 on January 1st and two days prior I clocked in at 185. The doc told me I looked “slim,” so I responded with the usual phrase, “No, I’m less fat.”

It’s nice to be noticed by family and friends, but when the doc notices weight loss, I assume it’s a good thing. The doc asked me how low would I like to go, and I honestly didn’t have an answer. My stomach isn’t as flat as it could be, so right now, anything under 180 would be fabulous.

I’ve been heavy since my 30’s, and now that I’m fifty, I realized I wasted two decades lying around and not exercising. It’s depressing, but it’s all my fault. A lot of friends of mine have gained weight – some have gained so much they are unrecognizable. I don’t want to be that person anymore.