The Big Bang Theory

Meet British man David Worsley. David was vacationing in Africa for some unknown reason, and while there, he contracted salmonella. What happened next will blow your mind… or other regions.

David Worsley was enjoying a holiday to Tunisia with his wife Joanne in July 2014 when his life was turned upside down.

The 59-year-old began suffering from African salmonella, which is potentially deadly, just a couple of days into the holiday. The security guard from Bolton, Lancashire said he lost three stone as he could not keep food down, before waking up one day with ‘excruciating pain’ in his testicle.

Although he was vomiting and suffering from diarrhoea, doctors eventually sent him home – but the swelling continued to worsen. Mr Worsley said he was having a bath when the pressure in his genitals reached breaking point.

He said: ‘I got in the bath and it just exploded. It literally went bang and that was it. (H/TAOSHQ)

Happy Tuesday, everyone! If you need me, I’ll be wincing and cradling my junk for a few hours.

Advertisements

Hawaii Sends Out False Missile Alert

An idiotic government drone sent out a ballistic missile alert to the citizens of Hawaii Saturday, causing mass panic on the islands. The alert was a false alarm.

A false ballistic missile threat alert was sent to all cell phones in Hawaii on Saturday morning, sending the state’s 1.4 million residents and hundreds of thousands of visitors into a panic for more than 30 minutes until emergency officials confirmed the message was sent in error.

The cause of the false alarm? A state emergency management employee apparently pushed the wrong button.

While city and military officials took to social media within 15 minutes to quell fears and say the message was sent in error, it took state emergency management — which sent out the message in the first place — 38 minutes to send out a “false alarm” alert to cell phones.

Always remember, the millions of do-nothing government parasites have nothing but your best interests at heart… right after they’ve had their morning coffee.

A Different Kind Of Finger Salute

Meet Diana Durkin.

Diana was returning to Texas Tech University after a break when she saw a fellow Tech fan. Her reaction got her stopped by the Nazis at the TSA.

Taking a semester off from Texas Tech University to help her family recover from Hurricane Harvey, Diana Durkin was thrilled to return to campus for her sophomore year. But ironically, it was her enthusiasm that nearly halted her plans when she was stopped by the TSA before a Jan. 6 flight out of William P. Hobby Airport in Houston.

In a nod to TTU’s mascot, Durkin said Texas Tech fans often salute each other with a finger gun and a “Wreck ‘em” slogan when they see each other.

Waiting on line for security, Durkin spotted a man in a Texas Tech hoodie, and reflexively threw up a finger gun, to which he gave an odd look. Moments after, a TSA agent led her out of line to question the gesture

“‘What are you doing? You can’t do that in an airport,’” Durkin remembered the agent telling her. She added that the agent followed up by giving her a full screening and pat down.

Yeah, well you can’t say a lot of things at an airport, but that doesn’t give these jackbooted thugs the right to give a full pat-down for a finger gun. Imagine how safe our skies would be if the TSA screened Islamists as well as they do teenage coeds?

One White In Bangkok

2017: “We’re the most f**ked up year evah!” 2018: “Hold my beer.”

A Bangkok clinic that has drawn 100 men a month to its penis whitening service has caused a stir in Thailand, with social media users both baffled and alarmed by the phallic fad.

The Lelux Hospital, renowned for its body whitening expertise in a country obsessed with skin color, began offering the unconventional treatment six months ago after a male customer complained of “dark parts” on his groin.

The procedure, which uses laser whitening, got wide play on Thai television and social media after the hospital released images of a man undergoing the treatment.

The procedure costs $650 for five sessions, which is a lot of money to spend on whitening privilege.

That’s Nacho Avocados!

Some hungry people in Texas took to the highway this week to take advantage of an auto accident and to scrape up some sweet, sweet, fiery guacamole.

These 100,000 avocados are toast: News choppers captured 40,000 pounds’ worth on fire yesterday afternoon after their delivery vehicle burst into flames on a Texas highway. The 18-wheeler was hauling the taco staple north from Mexico on Interstate 35, when it was suddenly set ablaze by a mechanical problem,littering the road with what WFAA’s anchor excitedly dubs “some weird molten guacamole.”

Sadly, some die-hard Texans are still lining I-35 awaiting a tequila truck to overturn.

E Coli Is Not A Soft Drink

An East Brunswick, NJ doctor has had his medical license revoked after being caught using non-sterile items you really, really want sterilized.

A New Jersey surgeon has had his license yanked over allegations he inserted used catheters into the rectums of at least five patients, state authorities say.

Dr. Sanjiv K. Patankar, who practices in East Brunswick, is accused of re-using catheters on multiple patients over the course of nearly a year because he ran out of catheters and replacement supplies were on backorder, the state’s complaint says.

What’s the big deal? So your poo gets intertwined with someone else’s poo. All it means is you are now Eskimo brothers with a bunch of total strangers.

The Unco Squad

No matter where you are in this madcap crazy world, one thing is for sure: everybody poops. Of course, while everybody poops, only one country decides to share the news with their friends and relatives.

The Unko Button is a palm-sized box that records your baby’s bowel movements at the touch of a button, instantly sharing the announcement through popular messaging app Line with the members of the chat group you’ve designated to receive the news.

The name of the Unko Button is slightly misleading, as the box actually has two buttons on it, one to record bowel movements and one for urination. The developers say that the Unko Button is great for busy parents who want to track their infant’s digestive functions, but don’t have the time to stop and record each poop or pee expulsion.

I’m starting to think the radiation from Hiroshima and Nagasaki irreparably damaged Japanese DNA.

He Is Definitely A Mexican

Like every normal person on Earth, it bothers me to see people going onto the disability rolls for minor, inconsequential maladies.

However, the usual “whiplash” complaint has now been usurped by the guy claiming his giant penis interferes with his career.

Roberto Esquivel Cabrera’s penis measures 18 inches, reaching his knees. The 55-year-old from Saltillo, Mexico, has dangled weights off his penis for his entire life to increase its size.

Dude, where were you with this advice during my high school years?

However, he’s now receiving benefits to help him live while he tries to find a solution to his problem. He said: ‘I cannot wear a uniform like anybody in the companies and also I cannot get on my knees.’

Well, if nothing else, he will always stand for the national Anthem.

He hit headlines when he smashed the unofficial world record held by US actor Jonah Falcon, whose penis was 9.5 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches when erect. Yet despite being super-endowed, the 54-year-old’s penis has caused him a number of health problems, including frequent urinary tract infections because not all his urine escapes his foreskin.

Wait, he still has his foreskin? Oh now this clown is simply padding his stats.

Allahu North Star!

The Muslim invasion has caused more than a few problems for the countries of Europe, but one aftershock is not widely covered. In this case, it is the fatwa on Christmas.

Last week, a veterans group in the Italian city of Bolzano gave an “athlete of the year” award to Elena Pirrone, world champion of junior cycling. The group set up a Christmas tree for the event. The next morning, the organization’s president was woken up by a phone call. He was told to remove the Christmas tree, so as to avoid offending Muslims.

“On Friday morning, the president of the Atesini veterans, Alberto Ferrini, was woken up by a phone call, asking him to remove that tree, because at midday a Muslim association would meet in the hall and that decoration could have offended the sensibility of those present.”

“This bureaucratic rigor, by which the city demanded to have the tree removed or otherwise risk annoying someone, demonstrates a barbarization of the general cultural climate,” Alessandro Urzì, provincial councilor for South Tyrol, said.

Oh for cripes sake. Get a grip, Muslims! You clowns have not conquered the world – yet. Well, if nothing else, the veterans are making their displeasure known; which is more than we’d expect from France.

Rubbing You The Right Way

Medical researchers pulled a boner after creating a rub-on contraceptive, which will be undergoing stiff test trials in the near future.

If you’re a sperm-producer who doesn’t want kids, your personal contribution to contraception is currently limited to condoms or the snip.

Needless to say, not everybody likes those choices. But now a topical treatment could add another simple, non-invasive option to the mix – it’s a hormonal gel that reduces sperm count when applied to the skin.

In 2012 the team conducted a trial on a combination of two gels that successfully saw the number of sperm in their semen drop to less than 1 million per millilitre – a concentration that’s far enough below the normal 15 to 200 million sperm per millilitre to actually hamper fertility.

So, in effect, you can rub one out before you rub one out?