Town Needs An Enema!

The Japanese people often move at a slower pace than other socieities, so progress in their country will sometimes get backed up. No longer. Kan-Chan is here to flush Japan’s worries away.

A Japanese pharmaceutical company has introduced a large, pink, penguin-like character as a mascot for its enemas.

Tokyo-based Ichijiku Pharmaceutical Co. introduced its new mascot Kan-chan, that resembles a giant home enema kit with blushing cheeks, yellow feet and a smiling beak.

“I’m planning to go to many places in the future,” Kan-chan said in the introductory tweet.

Yep, exotic locales like deep, dark, damp caves, occasionally pocked with stalactites and stalagmites.

Melancholy Labia

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you the most bizarre story you will ever read in your entire lifetime. This blog can now officially shut down. Wrap it up, pack it in, back up the truck. Humanity is officially finished.

From sexually transmitted infections to childbirth and unpleasant infections, surely your lady garden has enough to face? The idea of having a “depressed” va-jay-jay isn’t something you see on the small screen. It’s a real and very painful thing, known by its medical name vulvodynia, and it can affect women of all ages.

Well, goodnight everyone! Last one out turn off the lights.

It causes a burning sensation down there, a stinging pain despite there being no sign of infection or skin condition. The slightest touch, during sex or even when putting a tampon in, can cause a surge of pain. And, for the women who suffer this long-term condition, it can prove so painful sex is firmly off the cards.

Vulvodynia is also known by its generic name: marriage.

Look ladies, if you suffer from vagina depression, stop by the Earp Ranch, and I’ll prescribe a dose of Vitamin Wyatt. It’ll get you back on the horse, right quick!

Thanks, Millennials

The head of L’Oreal is claiming makeup for men is a real thing, and it will be available worldwide in less than five years.

We’re through the looking glass here, people.

Male make-up counters could become a reality within five years, the UK boss of L’Oreal has said, as it is no longer a taboo for the “selfie generation”. Vismay Sharma, the cosmetics giant’s UK managing director, said that demand for make-up among men was growing fast.

Speaking about the industry as a whole, he said male-targeted counters in department stores and drug stores could be a reality in “five to seven years”.

According to Mr Sharma taboos are changing and make-up is becoming more accepted for men among what he describes as the “selfie generation”.

This is welcome news, because I truly need something to highlight my cheekbones. Personally, the lard isn’t cutting it.

The Towel Of Boobel

Throughout the annals of history, women have faced extraordinary hardships: the pain of childbirth, the humiliation of suffrage, and sexual harassment from fat white guys.

Now, one of women’s greatest obstacles – titty perspiration – has been eradicated.

These are Ta-Ta Towels, towels with adjustable elastic bands in them that cling to the bottom of your breast. The towels, which come in a variety of colors and patterns, cost $45 and are supposed to help prevent under-boob sweat (plus make for convenient breastfeeding). Per the product site: “Whether at the spa, gym, or just lounging around the house, the Ta-Ta Towel will be your boobs’ new breast friend.”

Since my breasts are only about an A-cup, I have to ask the ladies this: is boob sweat a big enough problem for you to buy custom-fitted towels for your funbags?

Dumpster Diving For Dummies

A Los Angeles man decided to donate his body to science this week, and while the thought was admirable, the implementation was regrettable.

A man died Friday after paramedics pulled him out of a donation box in a South Los Angeles neighborhood.

Neighbors said paramedics tried to revive him, but it was too late. A few people believe they have seen the man at the box before, taking clothes and collecting bottles and cans on the street. The donation box is on a residential street, near empty parking lots.

I have no idea why anyone would want to climb into a donation box – except maybe to steal clothing – but getting trapped in a giant steel container… in L.A… in July… is an easy way to recycle yourself.

Deutschland Oops-er Alles

Many guys I know believe the ultimate fantasy is engaging in a threesome with two women. (Not me, since I can barely satisfy one woman.) A man from Germany had his wish granted this week, and the results were, um, groundbreaking.

A threesome that went badly wrong led to a woman falling off a balcony while having an orgasm and another toppling down some stairs.

The first woman suffered broken bones in her feet and legs after she plunged ten feet from a balcony as she reached her climax. Her naked friend screamed and ran down the stairs to help her, slipped, and snapped bones in her arm and neck.

Cops added that the man in the threesome told them that “during the lovemaking, there was a positional quarrel”, with one of the ladies leaning against a balcony railing which led to her plunge.

I guess the Fraulein were arguing over who will win the pole position.

Come With Me If You Want To Live

The red Chinese have turned their eyes to the pink in order to keep their economy in the black.

A SEX doll company is making a Terminator-style robot head which can speak, smile and even sing – but only in Chinese.

Who cares? Like I wanna hear this broad prattle on and on about her feelings?

The prototype of the DS Doll Robotic Head, which is coated in silicone “skin” and is controlled by a smartphone and a PlayStation controller, is the world’s most lifelike mechanical sex servant.

Excellent! I have a PlayStation, so I’ll finally be an expert is sex!

The model, made by Doll Sweet Dolls and EX Doll, has a “stunningly beautiful” face and can listen and answer questions using sophisticated voice recognition software.

I’m pretty sure the only questions I’ll be asking her are, “Can you make me a sammich?” and “You’re not cleaning yourself up with my show towels, are you?”

The Flame Of Love

In an effort to combat red-blooded Chinese males from being, well, red-blooded Chinese males, an organization has created an “Anti-pervert flamethrower.”

This is not good news for a horndog like me.

Miniature flamethrowers that can fit into a handbag, branded as “anti-pervert weapons”, are being sold online in China despite being classified as dangerous items that cannot be taken on public transport. The pen-sized gadgets are about 20cm long and can shoot flames of up to 25cm at the press of a button.

Marketed at women to fend off attackers, they are being sold as “not a weapon, yet better than one.” But despite generally positive reviews of the flamethrowers, the fact they contain butane, an inflammable gas, means they can’t be taken on trains or planes.

So I can ogle hot Asian chicks as long as I take public transportation? Meh, it’s not worth it.

The Killing Joke

You may find this hard to believe, but a cosplay event at an Australian swingers sex club took an unusual turn earlier this month.

Two people having sex while dressed as the Joker and Harley Quinn were shot by armed police during a raid on a swingers’ party. Officers claimed 35-year-old Dale Ewins, who was dressed as the villain from Batman, was holding a gun.

However the venue in Melbourne, Australia, has accused police of overreacting, saying that the ‘male victim was not holding anything in his hand’, and that the gun on his person was a toy that he had registered as part of his costume.

Zita Sukys, dressed as Harley Quinn, also suffered a gunshot wound to the leg and was taken to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

Well, I guess I could see how this misunderstanding could lead to the shooting, and since there were no serious injuries…

Officers shot the man and hit him in the torso after he allegedly pulled out a gun. He was also later tasered.

Wait, what? The Aussies not only shot him, but tased him afterward?? Did they not think that a tad excessive??? God damn, remind me to never visit the Land Down Under.

Wedding Splashers

Meet Andry and Sharon Price, the lightest four feet in Britain. The happy, well-fed couple wanted to do something memorable for their wedding, and being huge Dirty Dancing fans – is that a thing? – they chose the perfect moment.

Just like Jennifer Grey leaping into the arms of Patrick Swayze, 52-year-old Sharon ran at 51-year-old Andy and was ready for him to hoist her above his head. But Sharon winded herself and was left struggling for breath, and Andy hit his head so hard, he was knocked out.

The pair of them were left flat out on the grass and relatives with them took photos as they thought they were playing around. But then they realized the situation was serious and called an ambulance to the scene in Weston-super-Mare, Somerset, a small town 140 miles west of London, and the two were rushed to the hospital.

Nicely played. had Sharon run a little faster, the couple would be meeting Patrick Swayze right now.