Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Exploded

Deranged Hollywood “actress” Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently selling candles which smell like her vagina. Why anyone would purchase a candle which smells like the East River is beyond me, but I digress. One London woman purchased the meat-flap candle, and it subverted her expectations.

A VAGINA-scented candle by Gwyneth Paltrow exploded into flames causing an “inferno” in a woman’s living room. Jody Thompson, 50, won the risque product sold by the Hollywood star and wellness guru in an online quiz.

The candle is described on Gwyneth’s Goop site as “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected”.

You know what else was unexpected? The raging fire coming from Gwyneth’s vagina, er, candle.

But Jody was taken by ­surprise after lighting it when a 50cm flame leapt from the candle and out of the glass jar. The media consultant told The Sun: “The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.

Not for nothing, but if you purchase a vagina candle, you really should expect it to occasionally have a hot flash or an gushing orgasm.

Brooklyn’s Getting A Little… Anxious

The residents of a Brooklyn Sex House – how it that a thing? – are starting to lose their minds from the lack of sex, thanks to the Chinese Wuhan Virus restrictions. Congratulations kids, this is what marriage feels like. /zing

After 10 months of social distancing, the residents of Brooklyn’s communal “sex houses” are frustrated, to say the least.

“I’d give my left testicle to go to an orgy,” said Kenneth Play, co-founder of Hacienda Villa. Play is one of more than 30 residents, ranging from ages 20-45, who live in the three Bushwick houses (the Lodge, Villa and Tower) operated by the Hacienda sex club.

I wonder if it’s called than because of all the Puerto Ricans? I denounce myself.

Along with the residents, the club has more than 700 members. Before the pandemic, the roommates hosted bacchanals at the Villa once or twice a month. Hundreds of Hacienda members would flirt, soak nude in the backyard hot tub or descend to the mood-lit basement to get it on.

In 2019, the club hosted 19 “play parties” — orgies — as well as 45 other events. In 2020, there were only five before the pandemic.

With all due respect to Brooklyn, I imagine this entire house walks around nude, and the guys constantly shout, “Hey, I’m yanking here!”

“Sexual isolation was difficult to grapple with,” said Violet, a resident and party planner who, like others, asked to withhold her last name.

Actually, I have no problem grappling my… well, I’ve said too much.

Smitten With Kittens

An Islamic televangelist – wait, those actually exist? – has been sentenced to over one thousand years in jail for kidnapping, sexual assault, and being dead sexy.

A hardline Islamic cult leader who is constantly surrounded by a retinue of busty glamour girls has been sentenced to 1,075 years in jail after a long and controversial trial.

That’s not the only thing that’s long and controversial. Hey-o!

Adnan Oktar, who also goes by the names Adnan Hoca and Harun Yahya, was arrested on charges of kidnapping, sexual abuse and fraud in July 2018, along with some 160 of his cult members.

Oktar owns a TV station in his native Turkey, and regularly broadcasts warnings that the End of the World is coming soon, from a brightly coloured television studio filled with attractive models wearing exotic makeup, wigs and bondage-style Versace dresses.

He calls his team of glamorous assistants his “harem” or his “kittens”.

Harem is so passé; just call them bitches and/or hos. I mean, it’s not that hard. (That’s what she said.)

Hyundai Is Burning Up The Road

While I have never owned a Hyundai vehicle, I have always heard good things. Apparently the warranty is excellent and the people I know who own a Hyundai are very happy with them. Until they catch fire.

Hyundai is adding about 471,000 SUVs to a September U.S. recall for an electrical short in a computer that could cause fires. And the company is warning owners to park the SUVs outdoors until they are repaired.

Wait a minute, I thought South Korea was our friends?

The latest recall covers certain model-year 2016 through 2018, and additional 2020 through 2021, Hyundai Tucson SUVs. The vehicles have antilock brake system computers that can malfunction internally and cause an electrical short. That can lead to a fire.

Hyundai said Friday that the recall comes as part of a continuing investigation into the problem. The company said it’s aware of a dozen fires but no injuries related to the recalled vehicles.

Okay, let’s begin:

With Hyundai’s low prices, you better get them while they’re hot!

No need to add flames to the hood; they come with the package.

The ten-year warranty ensures you won’t get burned.

Who Could Have Seen This Coming?

Thanks to the competing forces of the Chinese Wuhan Virus, BLM/Antifa riots, Democrat city and state lockdowns and the collapse of America, ammunition is now extremely difficult to find.

At stores, handfuls of boxes of even some of the most sought-after calibers are spending some time on the shelf before being snatched up. And an indoor range has been able to lean on longtime relationships and a unique business model to keep plenty of ammo available for those who use the range.

But the ammo shortage, which began with fears of COVID-19, continued through a summer of demonstrations and a fall presidential election, is still frustrating customers and ammo sellers alike.

Rocky Mountain Discount Sports manager Madison Pendley said while she had seen some improvement by December, ammo for common self-defense weapons in particular was still both hard to acquire and to keep on the shelves.

Most gun store owners believe the ammo shortage will continue through 2021, so if you’re a gun owner, and need some ammunition, you may want to check online. There are a few places which still have a decent inventory, but that may not last long.

Blue Hawaii

A blue unidentified flying object was seen – and captured on video – by multiple people in Leeward, Oahu Tuesday. Let’s hope it’s the scouts for the Sweet Meteor of Death.

An unidentified flying object spotted in the evening sky over Leeward Oahu prompted witnesses to call 911 on Tuesday.

The sighting happened about 8:30 p.m. There are multiple videos of what appears to be a glowing‚ oblong mass — both in the sky and in the water.

Officials from the Federal Aviation Administration say there were no aircraft incidents or accidents in this area at the time. But multiple witnesses reported seeing a large blue object fall out of the sky and into the ocean.

There is video of the object at the link, if you’re interested.

Thursday morning we asked Honolulu police if investigators figured out what fell in the water. A spokesperson told us they didn’t have any information.

Meanwhile, FAA spokesperson Ian Gregor said the agency received a report from police Tuesday night about a possible plane down in the area “but had no aircraft disappear off radars. And no reports of overdue or missing aircraft.”

Well, that’s a real pickle. If it happened New Year’s Eve, I’d say it was fireworks or something. On a Tuesday, though? Who knows?

Hittin’ The Road

A lot of businesses and families pulled up their stakes and fled the big cities in search of a better, less taxing life. Many of these movers fled the Northeast and their fascist governments for greener pastures down south.

The findings, along with a wealth of more granular detail, were included in the annual Magnet States Report on migration trends within the U.S. from Allied Van Lines, one of the world’s largest moving companies.

Within Texas — which benefited from a “business-friendly climate” — the city that drew the most companies was Houston, known as “Space City” for role in space operations by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).

Texas is great, but why anyone would voluntarily move to Houston is beyond me. It’s Philadelphia with a better climate.

California ranked as the second-most popular destination for companies, followed by Illinois, Florida and North Carolina. The states had all been fan favorites within the corporate world prior to the pandemic, nabbing the top spots in 2019 as well.

I was going to ponder why any company would relocate TO California, but then I remembered most every company in America is run by leftists. So Cali would be the perfect destination.

California, Arizona and North Carolina were also top destinations for consumers over the course of 2020.

I don’t get this at all. Why would regular people move to California, considering it’s ridiculous policies and fascist politicians? I get the state is beautiful, but why would you want to suffer under progressive policies? Arizona is gorgeous – I love it there – as is North Carolina, but neither are on my retirement list. (Arizona taxes pensions, and North Carolina is eventually turning blue.)

Eventually I’m headed south as well. Tennessee, Alabama, Arkansas, or Mississippi is where I’m looking at the moment. Heavy red states with lower taxes and less disgusting politicians.

What’s Old Is New Again

While some people are going all in on antibiotics to keep them safe from the Chinese Wuhan Virus, another more severe problem has presented itself to the general public… or it is pubic?

Grasping at straws for COVID-19 treatments may be inadvertently fueling the rise of another hard to treat disease: super gonorrhea.

A World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson told The Sun that the use of a common drug in misguided attempts to treat coronavirus may be encouraging the sexually transmitted infection (STI) to become resistant to the antibiotic.

Bill Clinton hardest hit.

‘Overuse of antibiotics in the community can fuel the emergence of antimicrobial resistance in gonorrhea,’ by killing off forms of the infection that are vulnerable to the drug, and creating a survival-of-the -fittest environment for variants of the bacterium that are immune to the drug’s effects to thrive in, explained the spokesperson.

‘Azithromycin – a common antibiotic for treating respiratory infections – was used for Covid-19 treatment earlier in the epidemic.

Seriously 2020, die in a fire. And hey, if you want to blame someone for this, blame MelP. She’s the one who gave it to me… um, the story, not the super gonorrhea.

Ah 2020, Never Change

I’m late with this post, mostly because I’m exhausted and my back/shoulder are awful today. I did want to put something up, though, and I found this perfect encapsulation of the year 2020.

Brazilian EVO Superbike racer André Veríssimo started celebrating his victory too early during the last race of 2020 and obviously I wouldn’t be posting this unless he ended up losing to what should’ve been the second and third place racers.

How is this even still happening in the year 2020? Haven’t we all watched enough videos on YouTube to know never to do this? The hubris of man. As long as there are races, there will be men who celebrate winning them too early and end up losing.

Sadly, this dumbass probably hasn’t learned his lesson. Check out the video below the fold…

Continue reading “Ah 2020, Never Change”

Tattoo Spew

A British man decided he fancied a tattoo, but he was having trouble deciding upon what he should choose. So, the man decided to ask his mother for advice, and… well, just read ahead.

IT goes without saying that you probably shouldn’t rush into getting a tattoo – after all, it’s something that’ll be on your body forever. With this in mind, one bloke decided to ask his mum’s advice before committing to his first ever inking…

As he wasn’t certain what he wanted, the bloke’s mum tried to convince him to think about it for a while longer.

I think we just found Diego’s long-lost cousin.

“If you don’t have need for one, don’t get it,” she replied. “Tattoos are for something important.”

But rather than following her advice, the man decided to get these wise words inked on his arm forever.

Wow. I mean, I’ve seen people take things entirely too literally but this dude takes the crumpets. I wonder if Britain imports Florida water?