Talk About A Five Dollar Foot-Long

In a few short years, Rudy Giuliani renovated and revitalized New York City from a cesspool of sex and drugs to a place where you could take your children.

Enter the Democrats; the reason why we can’t have nice things.

The MTA said they would allow ads for a sex toy company to appear in the subway one day after the images were deemed too racy for city straphangers.

The reversal came after accusations of unequal treatment when the company that handles MTA ads said the colorful images from luxury sex toy company Unbound violated policies about “indecent material.”

Advertisements for male enhancement pills and breast enhancement appear in subways.

Now I’m not exactly a prude, but isn’t there a difference between ads containing little blue pills, and ones which picture giant rubber dildoes? The MTA claims they will enforce their policies “evenly and fairly,” so local kids can get up close and personal with lubricants and nipple clamps.

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A Ham-Fisted Idea

In these chaotic times, ice cream parlors have to pick up their game to draw in customers. Sometimes they invent new and exciting flavors to tease people’s palates. One store in New Jersey is going the extra mile.

A New Jersey ice cream company announced the first in its line of “Only in Jersey” flavors — French toast and pork roll.

Windy Brow Farms announced the first of its “Only in Jersey” line of flavors contains actual caramelized Taylor ham and challah French toast.

“Doesn’t get much more Jersey than this!” the company said on Twitter.

Truer words were never spoken, because only people from New Jersey would think ham-filled ice cream is a good idea. Bon Appétit!

Angelique Sanchez Is Really Dirty

Meet Angelique Sanchez.

Angelique was on her way to take a urine test when she stopped in the local 7-Eleven to use the microwave. That’s when things got a little weird.

A woman in Aurora, Colorado, has been cited for property damage after she allegedly used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a white plastic bottle filled with urine on Thursday morning.

The bottle blew up in the process, and the pee ended up dripping out of the microwave. When the bottle exploded, 26-year-old Angelique Sanchez allegedly left the convenience store.

Sanchez did come back and wiped up the microwave, but she apparently just took napkins and wiped the substance on the floor before walking out again.

The obvious question is why would Sanchez place a bottle of urine into a microwave, but judging from her mugshot, rational thought does not seem to be one of her strong suits.

Music To Drown By

Well, there’s another mode of travel I’m never taking.

An Australian branch of Carnival Cruise Lines suffered a water main break at sea, flooding the corridors with water… and excitement!

It looks like the set of a Titanic film remake. But in fact, it is a flooded Carnival cruise ship making its way from New Orleans to the Caribbean over seven days.

In video footage taken on Carnival Dream, water can be seen gushing into the hallways on deck 9 and into about 50 rooms. A water line break was to blame for sending the water through the ship.

Apparently, passengers eventually saw the funny side when a line of crew members were filmed removing some of the water in buckets. Shortly after, it was all cleared up.

Well, you know the saying, “Water, water everywhere, so let’s all have a drink!”

Barb Liar

Washed-up hoor Pamela Anderson was interviewed this week by a hard-hitting journalist at Yahoo! News. During the interview (held by phone because the scribe didn’t want Hep-C) Pamela regaled us with sordid tales of Donald Trump.

The nation holds its collective breath.

The animal rights activist has been popping up in the political sphere over the past few years, but just because she’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin doesn’t mean she’s pro-Trump. In fact, Anderson says she voted for Jill Stein after Bernie Sanders was no longer in the 2016 presidential race.

Anderson, 50, reveals that she met Trump before and wasn’t impressed. “I think it was his birthday,” she explains. “I was hired to be there. We all were paid like $500 a day. He was with a wife — I don’t know which one — but he was nothing special.”

By 2005, Anderson was gladly accepting food stamps for public (or pubic) appearances, but yes, please tell us how the millionaire future president was “nothing special.”

Say Less To The Dress

A Dearborn, Michigan Catholic school will be handing out “Modesty Ponchos” for female prom guests dressed like hoors. Naturally, the teenage girls are livid.

Female students at a Dearborn Catholic high school who are deemed to be dressed ‘inappropriately’ for prom will be handed Modesty Ponchos by the school to wear over their dresses.

Students at Divine Child High School say they’re being shamed by their own administration before they even walk in the door for prom: If they’re not dressed appropriately enough by the school’s standards, they’ll be handed Modesty Ponchos to wear over their dresses.

The ponchos are on display on mannequins inside the school. A note is attached to them that reads: “If your dress does not meet our formal dance dress requirements – no problem! We’ve got you covered – literally. This is our Modesty Poncho, which you’ll be given at the door.”

If I may speak for the Catholic Church specifically, and all Catholics generally, this is a non-story. These teenage girls do not attend Paris Hilton’s Hoor Academy, they attend Divine Child High School. Catholic schools implement a dress code during the school year, and for school events. The high school Mrs. Earp and I attended now demands to see the dresses of their students before approving them, and have done so for a while now.

I understand the culture has changed – and not for the better – but the Catholic school system has not. If you want to dress like a streetwalker, do so on your own time, or transfer to Lindsay Lohan’s Fashion Institute.

Near Fatal Attraction

There is an ancient proverb, coined by Confucius, I believe, which states, “Gentlemen, never stick your dick in crazy.” Britain’s Alex Skeel ignored Confucius’ advice, and paid dearly.

Alex Skeel has waived his right to anonymity to reveal how 22-year-old Jordan Worth, who wanted to be a teacher, made his life a misery during their six-year relationship.

Worth was jailed for seven and a half years at Luton Crown Court earlier this week after she admitted controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship, wounding with intent and causing grievous bodily harm with intent.

Yeah, but dude, look at her! Suck it up and reap the rewards; she’s totally worth it!

Mr Skeel, 22, told Mail Online: ‘I thought my limbs might have to be amputated. I had open burns. I lost three stones in weight. I went from 10 stones down to seven. It was awful. It was three years of mental abuse and then it turned physical.’

What a big baby. Dude, limbs can be repaired, burns heal, chicks dig scars, and the weight you lost did wonders for your cholesterol. You should be thanking her!

Queen Of The Bayou

Meet Fabiana LeFleur. The 28-year old Louisiana native is an avid hunter and fisher who uses every part of the animal; sometimes in very unconventional ways.

When Fabiana LeFleur decided to make her own bikini, she hopped right to it. Which makes sense since she used frogs as the material.

“I went out hunting and caught seven frogs, which worked out well because one of them didn’t turn out well,” she told HuffPost. “I didn’t choose carefully from a very large catch.”

After removing the meat for a meal, she sewed the animals together into an eye-catching swimsuit.

Fabiana claims there is avery little support up top, which totally redeems this bizarre, backwoods bikini.

Paging Ben Dover…

A man in Argentina lost some of his personal property in an unfortunate place.

A naked man has been filmed walking across a petrol station forecourt to ask for help after he got a sex toy stuck up his backside.

The unnamed man went towards an ambulance at the petrol station to seek help from the crew. It’s not known how the sex toy became lodged inside him but the paramedics were quick to offer help.

The incident was filmed in the Saavedra neighbourhood in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Other footage shows him pacing up and down in front of police officers, shouting and slapping his legs in apparent discomfort.

Now, I’m not a sex toy guy – obviously – but if pr0n has taught me anything, aren’t you supposed to use some AstroGlide, Vaseline or WD-40 before you insert something like that?

The Los Angeles Jams

An elderly Los Angeles man needed his private parts rescued from the steely clutched of a bench.

Multiple fire units, including an Urban Search and Rescue unit, responded to East Hollywood today to help a man believed to be about 70 years old who got a “personal body part” stuck between slats of a park bench.

The firefighters quickly freed the man from the bench, Los Angeles Fire Department spokeswoman Amy Bastman said. She could not provide details about the “personal body part” or how it became stuck in the park bench.

Now I’m no detective, but I can safely assume the “personal body part” was not the man’s ass.