Weekend At Burny’s

A few weeks ago, there was a story here about a randy couple knocking boots on the railroad tracks. While this story is similar, it is equally puzzling.

A naked man who was sunbathing near a railway line was mistaken for a dead body by police.

Concerned rail workers spotted a pair of feet but “no signs of life” on the grounds of Chafford Hundred railway station, British Transport Police said. In a tweet, BTP said: “Rushing to the scene, officers found a man in his late 30s enjoying some nude sunbathing.”

It happened as temperatures reached 25C (77F) on Monday. BTP added: “Please don’t sunbathe nude on the railway.”

Are there no beaches or parks in England? Why does everyone get naked near the freight train lines?

We Are Not Amused

Britain has passed legislation stating people cannot visit another person’s home for sex. Apparently it has to do with the Wuhan virus. Wow England, after centuries of world domination, it took you only seventy-five years to lose your testosterone.

Sex in your house with someone from outside of your household is set to become illegal tomorrow. The Government is introducing new lockdown measures that prevent people from socialising (or gathering) with one person from outside of their household in a private space.

Up until now the person visiting a house for sex would have been the one in breach of the measures – now both people would be able to be prosecuted under the law with a bill called Amendment Regulations being introduced in parliament tomorrow.

The new legislation explicitly bans being inside the house in a gathering of more than one person without a reasonable excuse.

I’m fairly certain gathering inside a residence to “smack the salmon” is the most reasonable excuse a human can muster. Benny Hill must be rolling over in his grave.

Switzerland Is Going To The Dogs

Switzerland’s sex workers have released a few guidelines for banging during the Wuhan virus outbreak. The guidelines even highlight preferred sex positions while renting some love.

Swiss sex workers have drawn up a list of rules which they say minimises the risk of transmitting coronavirus in brothels, in hopes that the country’s ban on the industry could soon be lifted.

It comes as Switzerland’s adult industry has been heavily hit by the pandemic, after the government placed a temporary ban on prostitution two months ago to help stop the spread of the virus.

The plan to reopen the industry, prepared by the organisation ProKoRe, suggests that sex positions which allow for a safe distance between faces, such as ‘doggy style’ and ‘reverse cowgirl’, are advisable. (H/T – Loki)

Can someone explain these positions to me, as I have never heard of them before now. Are Vica Kerekes or Milana Vayntrub available for tutoring?

Boeing To Lay Off Thousands

Airline manufacturer Boeing has announced they are laying off more than 12,000 employees due to the devastation of the Wuhan virus, and the (mostly) Democratic governors who threw their states into lockdown.

Democrat governors and their friends in the Chinese Communist Party have destroyed America’s economy in only two months.

Boeing announced that 6,770 employees are facing involuntary layoffs as the company restructures during the coronavirus pandemic.

The company said Wednesday that it is allowing 5,520 voluntary layoffs in addition to 6,770 involuntary ones, Reuters reported. The airline industry took a massive hit during the pandemic as demand was drastically reduced, and Boeing is now looking to cut costs.

My city has seen thirty suicides in the last two months. That’s much higher numbers than normal, and I believe the economy is the reason for the spikes.

The “pandemic’s devastating impact on the airline industry means a deep cut in the number of commercial jets and services our customers will need over the next few years, which in turn means fewer jobs on our lines and in our offices,” Boeing Chief Executive Dave Calhoun said in an email to employees, according to Reuters. “I wish there were some other way.”

Boeing, like many businesses, is in a no-win situation here. They can either keep the employees on and go bankrupt, or lay off thousands and hope the economy rebounds. Either way, it’s terrible for the company, and catastrophic for the employees.

We need the country to open, and it needs to happen now.

Livin’ DaVida Loca

I might as well end the day on a stupid note. Meet DaVida Sal, a “performance artist” from California who stripped outside a Trader Joe’s to protest Los Angeles’ ridiculous lockdown orders.

A performance artist wore a bikini made out of blue surgical masks near a Trader Joe’s in Los Angeles to protest lockdown restrictions.

The half-naked artist, DaVida Sal, was not covering her mouth but repurposed one mask as a blindfold, taking a jab at the perceived “blindness” of those complying with social distancing measures.

Sal wrote in a Facebook post that she subscribes to a theory that coronavirus is a hoax created to erode freedoms by forcing people to wear masks in public and maintain a six-foot distance from each other.

The coronavirus is not a hoax, darling. The continuous lockdown perpetuated by blue state governors is also not a hoax, per se. It is, however, a completely transparent attempt to ruin President Trump’s reelection chances.

So next time you wanna get naked, go with the governors theory… and call me beforehand.

What A Bunch Of Web-Heads

Children, for the most part, are idiots. They spend their formative years testing and prodding everything that moves, and some things that don’t. Some children, however, were not blessed with parents possessing common sense, so they’ll try things that may get them killed.

Three young Bolivian brothers were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them — thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man.

Dumbasses. You should have played with power lines so you could turn into Electro.

The Marvel-loving siblings — aged 12, 10 and 8 — found the spider while herding goats in Chayanta, a Ministry of Health official revealed at coronavirus briefing Saturday.

Thinking it would give them superhero powers, they prodded it with a stick until it bit each of them in turn, the official, Virgilio Pietro, said. They were successfully treated and discharged last Wednesday, almost a week after they were bitten.

As a Spideyphile myself, the problem here is the kids didn’t catch a radioactive spider. Guys, see if you can find a black widow near a nuclear power plant, or at least a radiology unit. That’ll do the trick.

Subway, Beat Fresh

A couple were filmed having sex at a mostly empty subway station by an onlooker across the tracks. I guess these people never heard of facial distancing?

A raunchy couple took advantage of the practically empty transit system to get freaky on a subway platform, a new video shows.

The nearly minute-long clip, filmed by a chuckling onlooker from across the tracks, appears to show a man and woman in the throes of passion on the platform of the Flushing Avenue station in Brooklyn.

“Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t mind that s–t, that s–t is like PornHub to me,” the giddy gawker can be heard saying as the man looks over, sticks out his tongue and flashes hand-horns. “This is New York City, you see everything, you hear! Oh, he came. He f–king came. I can’t even concentrate with s–t like this.”

For the love of God, people, if you’re going to do something like that in public, have enough class to do it in the supermarket; preferably near the produce aisle.

Thank You And Bum Again

Meet Shilpa Sethi, an “Instagram influencer” from New Delih, India. (For those unaware, an Instagram influencer is someone who has no job and no marketable skills besides their looks.) For her part, Shilpa makes her bones from her gigantic ass.

An Instagram model says a botched Brazilian butt lift left her unable to sit — for six months.

“It was very painful,” Shilpa Sethi, who has led with her mammoth backside in sexy photos to land 1.2 million followers on the site, said to the Daily Mail.

The 25-year-old New Delhi woman said she spent $10,000 to get the booty-boosting surgery in Miami about five years ago. She said the butt lift — which involved taking fat from her waist and injecting it in her bottom — left her with a lopsided backside and excruciating pain.

Now this may sound like a radical idea, but how about you enjoy the body God gave you instead of inflating your ass to Stacey Abrams proportions? You know you’re going to need a wheelbarrow to carry that caboose when you hit seventy, right? Dolt.

But The Trains Ran On Time

A British couple were seen cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom while lying on freight train railroad tracks. That’s not the way to flatten the curve, kids.

The randy pair’s afternoon romp delayed trains on the busy section. They were seen by a startled freight train driver on Wednesday and later spotted running off over a bridge looking disheveled.

A source said: “In all my 40 years working on the railway, I’ve never seen anything like it. They were obviously looking for a quick thrill, but if a train had come they definitely would have been killed.

A freight service from Toton, Notts, to Crewe first spotted the lovers. That section of line is also used by long-­distance passenger services run by CrossCountry.

Drivers were alerted to the danger and warned to slow down through Branston, Staffordshire.

Well how else are passengers going to get a good look at the naked rompers?

Continue reading “But The Trains Ran On Time”

The “Trikini” Makes Its Debut

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, meet the Trikini: a bastardization of the bikini, with an extra piece for those beach babes who were cursed with a butterface.

An Italian designer’s colorful face mask bikini set — dubbed a Trikini — is selling like hotcakes even though she created it as a joke, according to a report.

Tiziana Scaramuzzo, owner of Elexa Beachwear in Senigallia, said she first made the pandemic-safe swimwear last month to keep spirits up at her home amid the country’s coronavirus lockdown.

But after posting images of her daughters sporting the three-piece suits on Facebook, the garments became a viral hit — with orders flooding her store.

I give the designer credit for this, even if it was meant to be a joke. That said, while the mask matches the bikini, how many women will really wear the mask while sunning? Bikini tans annoy most young women – especially in Italy – so do you think they will be happy when the lower half of their face is pale?