Joe Doesn’t Give A Buck

There are few sports announcers I despise more than Fox’s Joe Buck. (Although Chris Berman gives him a run for the money.) This weekend, Buck’s idiocy caught up with him at the 18th hole of the U.S. Open.

Fox’s Joe Buck learned the hard way that golf broadcasters need to stay accurate even after the final hole.

As U.S. Open winner Brooks Koepka walked off the 18th green Sunday, he got a congratulatory kiss from a woman whom the announcer confidently identified as Koepka’s girlfriend, Becky Edwards, a former collegiate soccer player.

Only they broke up and the woman actually smooching Koepka was his current girlfriend, “Sharknado” franchise actress Jena Sims.

Close enough, eh, jackass? Your father must be turning over in his grave.

Oh, and not for nothing, but Brooks Koepka isn’t exactly a PGA superstar in the mold of Dustin Johnson or Tiger Woods. Yet he’s still landing crazy hot athletes like Becky Edwards and insanely gorgeous actresses like Jena Sims? Well done, sir. Well done.

Chinese Woman Makes A Real Splash

Nobody likes Mondays. The weekend is over, you wake up early, and you’re headed back to work. Mondays suck, but they don’t suck nearly as much as getting an appendage stuck in a toilet.

Firefighters in China rescued a woman who was trapped in a bathroom when her leg became stuck in a toilet for six hours.

Video from the May 31 rescue in Guangzhou, Guangdong Province shows firefighters using various tools in an attempt to free the woman’s leg.

Glossing over the question as to how an adult gets their leg stuck in a toilet, I think I’d ask the medics to amputate. There’s not enough bleach in the world to remove six hours of dung and urine from my skin.

How Now, Brown Cow?

With all the violence, death, and misery going on in this country, it’s nice to know some things are a constant… like the idiocy of the average American.

Milk is such a presence in our lives we probably take it for granted. Thank goodness for World Milk Day — one of those weird food holidays which are sometimes invented by interest groups to push a product. Regardless of the holiday’s origins, let’s take this opportunity to delve into some of the ways people appreciate milk in their daily lives.

The Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy conducted a survey of more than 1,000 adults 18 and over in April of this year. They uncovered some shocking facts about how people think about – and drink – milk.

First off, 48% of respondents said that they aren’t sure where chocolate milk comes from. Um, guys, it comes from cows – and not just the brown kind.

Still, 7% of people – and remember, this survey talked to actual, grown-up adults – still think that chocolate milk only comes from brown cows. Actually, chocolate milk gets its flavor and color from cocoa beans.

My assumption here is the “adult” respondents here are millennials, because most of the twenty and thirty-somethings I know are dumber than cow dung.

Cats, Now And Forever

Since I started everyone’s day on a good note, I figured I would end your day on an awful note. Wyatt giveth and Wyatt taketh away.

In China, it is legal to eat cats and dogs. Even so, ordinary people reacted with alarm this week as news broke of a Chinese man caught with 500 cats, crowded into tiny cages, which he intended to sell to restaurants.

The man had used sparrows and caged birds to lure both stray cats and domestic ones in the city of Jiujiang in southern Jiangsu province.

Many of the cats were found in cages in the back of a small truck, some near death and mewing faintly in the heat, while others were recovered in a hut near a highway, cooled only by a ceiling fan. The man usually sold the cats for about 30 yuan ($4.40) each, the report said, citing a local policeman.

Wow, what a catastrophe. I am catatonic after reading this. The man probably thought he was in the catbird seat, but instead he’ll be catapulted into prison.

Welcome To Choad Island

A Democrat lawmaker in Rhode Island “unwittingly” shared a screengrab of Wikipedia, as well as some other interesting legislative items.

Ramon Perez, who was elected to the state’s House of Representatives last year, distributed a printout of a Wikipedia article during testimony last week. However, the file was actually a screenshot that showed not only the article but also numerous browser tabs open to pages with explicit titles. Two contained the word “teen” while one had the word “young.”

House spokesman Larry Berman told the Providence Journal that Perez had given the printout to the clerk of the Finance Committee, who copied and distributed it, then collected all the copies once the X-rated browser tabs were noticed.

“A friend sent me that picture with the information I was looking for,” he said. “I used that picture to make copies. I didn’t see the stuff at the top.”

Yeah, it was the representative’s “friend.” A friend whose name happens to be “Ray” Perez, and looks strikingly similar to Ramon Perez. I’d respect this clown more if he just came out and said, “Look, I’m a guy, and guys watch pr0n. It’s in our DNA.” Don’t lie about it, dude. It’s embarrassing.

A Heart-Wrenching Situation

Doctors performed emergency surgery on a Chinese man after he got his penis stuck in a wrench. The wrench had a hold on the man’s penis for a day before it was removed.

A Chinese man had his penis freed from a tiny wrench last week after getting it stuck for nearly a day. The 37-year-old was sent to hospital in eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, after his trapped penis had swollen and turned purple.

Doctors and firefighters, who failed to free the man, had to call in dentists to help remove the wrench using a dental drill.

He reportedly got his genitals trapped in the metal tool and was sent to the Taizhou Hospital at 9:30pm on June 2. It remains unclear why the man’s penis had been stuck.

Obviously the man wanted his nuts tightened, and what better tool for the job than a wrench? This is apparently a fairly common malady, because I posted about an Australian man doing the same thing last year. I should probably try on for myself to see what all the hubbub is about.

Laces Out!

A new fashion trend is sweeping the nation, and if you don’t agree it’s the greatest thing since leisure suits, you’re a sexist and a misogynist.

Hot on the tail of the RompHim, a streetwear brand has introduced a line of pastel, see-through lace shorts and button-downs just for men. And if you think they look dumb, the social-justice crowd says, you’re basically intolerant.

The outfit, created by the designer Hoza Rodriguez under the Hologram City brand and on pre-sale for just under $100 a set, comes in pistachio, pink, baby blue, violet and yellow. The collar and white belt are the least see-through part of the ensemble, tightie-whities peeking through the lace.

But if you don’t like your men in pastel lace daywear, you’re actually incredibly problematic, others have suggested. In Allure, writer Crystal Tate praised the shorts, interpreting them as a sign that society is one step closer to breaking gendered strangleholds on fashion. And at Bustle, writer Amanda Richards notes that pastel lace shorts aren’t a women’s fashion trend. This look was designed first and foremost with men in mind.

What kind of “men” were the designers imagining? Le Cage Au Folles “men” or Barack Obama “men?”

You’re Gonna Love My (Gun) Nuts

In a time of sagging gun sales, one up and coming business is giving firearms owners the hard sell.

First of all, they should have called them Gun Nuts because of the double entendre. They goofed on that one unless somebody else is already making Gun Nuts so the name was taken. These are Gunsticles, dangling plastic testicles that you can mount to any Picatinny or Weaver railed rifle. They make the perfect gift for the gun owner in your life who’s struggling to imagine their rifle is a Transformer’s penis. They come in black and dark earth (brown) and cost $20 a pair.

Because really, there is nothing safer than hard plastic testicles dangling from a semi-automatic rifle. It just screams, “You’ll poke your eye out, kid!”

At Least There’ll Be No Need To Rake

Thanks to one fearless Canadian man, there is no excuse good enough to get out of mowing the lawn ever again.

A house proud Canadian man wasn’t going to let a little thing like a tornado get in the way of mowing his lawn. Cecilia Wessels, had snapped the picture of the storm, from the window of her Three Hills home in Alberta on Friday.

While the huge tornado in the field behind the house is certainly impressive, Wessels says her friends and family were more interested in her husband Theunis who was out in the garden with his lawnmower, seemingly oblivious to the approaching threat.

‘I literally took the picture to show my mum and dad in South Africa, ‘Look there’s a tornado,’ and now everyone is like, ‘Why is your husband mowing the lawn?’

I guess Theunis wasn’t worried about being swept away, what with his iron testicles and such. And before you ask, no this is not a photoshop. A tornado did hit Alberta Friday, and many other people captured its trajectory.

Groping Them In

In response to the growing number of sexual harassment claims on Japanese tranist, one enterprising business is offering grope insurance… for men.

In Japan, where train travel can be an ordeal for women, an insurance company is reporting a sudden run on a policy that protects men falsely accused of groping.

The spike in takers for the 6,400 yen (US$57) “false groping accusation benefit” plan was triggered by a spate of incidents where men suspected of molesting female commuters fled the scene along the railway tracks, the Tokyo-based firm told AFP.

Japan has made efforts to tackle the problem of rush-hour sex pests with posters on trains and television campaigns, while railway operators provide women-only carriages for the busiest times of day.

Laugh if you must, but this is something I desperately need. I can’t walk twenty feet in this town without some woman grabbing my candy apple-shaped bottom.