Jacksonville Gets A Deserving Sculpture

The city of Jacksonville, Florida has commissioned a monumental sculpture in the Northbank area. After you’re done reading, let me know what you think the sculpture reads.

The future of the former home of the Jacksonville Landing is now more clear after a city committee on Thursday selected a design firm to redevelop the Northbank site.

Perkins & Will, which received the highest marks out of three designs presented to the Downtown Investment Authority (DIA), was picked to redevelop Riverfront Plaza with a beer garden, a hotel, a play area and a 150-foot “Jax” sculpture. The “One Park Jax” design also has plans for a river terrace, a park pavilion building, a sky garden, which includes outdoor dining options and a bike and pedestrian connection to the Main Street bridge.

I mean, I get the idea of the sculpture, but I don’t read this as “Jax.” I read it as something a thousand times funnier, but that’s just me.

Four Squirrel And Seven Days Ago…

A Massachusetts teenager crashed into the ancestral home of Abraham Lincoln after she swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel. I told you New Englanders drive like maniacs.

A historic house built in 1650 by the great-grandfather of President Abraham Lincoln has been wrecked by a teenage driver crashing into it to avoid a squirrel.

The Samuel Lincoln House on North Street in the town of Hingham, Massachusetts, was badly damaged when a 19-year-old motorist crashed into the front of the historic home on the morning of July 15.

First responders at the scene found a 2014 Audi Q7 lodged in the home’s living room. About half of the car entered the home, according to a statement from the Hingham Police Department.

Right about now, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln is thinking, “Give me six hours to chop down [this chick] and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”

South Korean President Insulted By Japan

The South Korean president will not be attending the Tokyo Olympics after a Japanese diplomat mad a joke about masturbation concerning the president.

South Korean President Moon Jae-in has decided to shun the Tokyo Olympics after a senior diplomat at Japan’s embassy in Seoul described the president’s faltering attempts to improve the relationship between the two countries as “masturbating.” The Tokyo visit would have seen Moon’s first summit with Prime Minister Yoshihide Suga, and there had been hopes that it could be a fresh start for the two rival nations.

However, the lewd comment infuriated the South Korean government, with its vice foreign minister, Choi Jong-kun, summoning Japan Ambassador Koichi Aiboshi to make a formal complaint over the weekend. “President Moon has decided not to visit Japan,” Moon’s press secretary Park Soo-hyun told a briefing, without specifically mentioning the “masturbation” comment.

I think this is a bit of a nothingburger, but I can also understand boycotting the Olympics. The president was just humiliated, and I’m sure the Japanese fans would love to pile on if he actually showed.

Magnificent Men In Flying Machines

A California driver was headed down a highway in Yuba City, minding his own business, when he saw a vehicle jumping over an embankment and onto the highway. The incident was captured on dashcam video.

The ‘Fast and Furious’ crew’s got nothing on this driver … who is miraculously alive after her car flew through the air — nearly clipping power lines — and crashed back down on a highway.

The video was captured by the dash camera of another driver who had impeccable timing. Last Wednesday, they were driving on Highway 99 in Yuba City, CA … when suddenly a white compact vehicle came flying over an embankment!!!

It looked exactly like a scene out of ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ — but there’s was added danger from power lines!!! Yeah, the car appears to have threaded the needle, narrowly missing the lines as it flew, flipped and smashed down onto the highway.

I’m sure there’s a bizarre backstory to this, but I’m fairly certain I don’t want to hear about it. For the record, the officers claimed alcohol was not an issue, and the guy actually walked out of the hospital the same day. I’m guessing the guy was the impetus for Unbreakable.

You can see the video at the link. It’s certainly… interesting.

Deer Are Dumb

So imagine you just purchased a brand new Tesla. It’s immaculate, it’s trendy, and it’s all yours. Then imagine some idiot animal faceplants itself into the driver’s side door. Fun, huh?

This is a video of a baby deer running full clip into a parked Tesla. It’s a good thing there’s video evidence because I’m not sure their insurance would fully believe their explanation that they hit a deer while parked.

I’m certain the owner just loves the fact this deer slammed into his $40,000 electric car. If he was smart, he would have hunted down the deer and used its head as a hood ornament, as a lesson to others.

You can see the video below the fold…

Continue reading “Deer Are Dumb”

Iran Really Enjoys Rice Krispies

The men of Kermanshah, Iran are simple folks who enjoy goat herding, soccer games, and apparently playing snap, crackle, pop with their penises.

If you find yourself near the Zagros Mountains, in Kermanshah, the largest Kurdish speaking city in Iran — and if you stay quiet — you may find yourself privy to a peculiar popping sound. What is it?

Merely the sound of men bending the top part of their erect penis to one side while holding the lower part of the shaft in place, until they hear a click or pop. This little-known practice is called “taqaandan,” which is Kurdish for “to click.” The practice, according to DNB Stories, leads to the rapid loss of an erection, accompanied by said loud “pop.”

In one hospital alone in Kermanshah, the largest Kurdish-speaking city in Iran, there were 172 cases of penile fractures.

Obviously, guys do a lot of things to and with their penis. That said, I have never heard of any man voluntarily fracturing his dingus. I simply cannot see the allure.

Ban The Bras, Or Something

It’s that time of year again, where “empowered, stunning and brave” women claim bras are a creation of the patriarchy, made solely to keep females down and their breasts up.

The pandemic allowed people all over the world to prioritize comfort over style and, in turn, enabled many women to do away with the uncomfortable and restricting bras they had come to resent. The push to make widespread bralessness a permanent fixture of modern life is surely meant to to liberate women from a tool used to oppress and objectify them for decades.

While I’m all for those who feel empowered by this change, as a busty woman who feels most comfortable wearing a bra (usually a wireless one, let’s be honest), I couldn’t help but feel excluded and frankly, inadequate to see countless outlets declare that bras should be banished and to watch bralessness trickle into 2021 fashion trends.

Good grief, this is such a pedantic article. Lady, no one cares if you wear a bra or not. Some guys may care if your boobs look great without a bra, but that’s about it. We glance briefly, then go on about our business. This is a problem that needs to be discussed among the womenfolk, and men like Diego, who absolutely needs a Manzier.

Europe Is The Absolute Worst

If speeding through the Autobahn was on your bucket list, you have one year left to do so. The European Commission is scheduled to implement speed curbing devices on all vehicles starting in 2022.

Back in 2019, the European Commission announced a plan that made gearhead minds explode. Starting in 2022, all new cars would come with devices that try to curb speeding.

The system is called Intelligent Speed Assistance (ISA) and the idea behind it is that through a GPS and street sign recognition, a car can try to limit a driver’s speed to the speed limit. The European Transport Safety Council notes that when a driver tries to exceed the speed limit, the vehicle can use various methods to slow them down. These range from vibration warnings to audible warnings. ISA can also reduce engine power past the speed limit or even make the accelerator pedal harder to push.

What the actual f**k? The roads in Europe were practically built for speeding, and now the government wants to make everyone drive the speed limit?

If you’re a politician, you need to be able to trust your electorate, and give them the freedom they crave. Sure, some people will drive entirely too fast, and there are mechanisms – like traffic tickets – to hinder those actions. Simultaneously shackling every European is ridiculous, especially in the case of a feel-good measure no one ever asked for.

Now, Vat’s A Delicious Soup!

If you happen to be attending a wedding in Zahko, Iraq, I suggest you order the salad.

An Iraqi chef has died after he fell into a vat of boiling soup he was making for a wedding.

An Iraqi chef tragically died last week after falling into a vat of soup, which left him severely scalded across large swathes of his body.

The horrific accident had occurred June 15 while Issa Ismail was helping prepare a wedding banquet at the Hazel wedding hall in Zakho, Gulf News reported. While stirring the soup, the 25-year-old father of three reportedly slipped and fell into the pot, before tumbling to the floor.

The services were very nice, as the chef was surrounded by his loved ones and croutons.

It Was A Drive-By Scooting

An Ohio man was driving through Cincinnati when a cicada flew into his car’s window, struck him in the face, and caused him to slam into a telephone pole.

An Ohio motorist yesterday lost control of his vehicle and slammed into a utility pole after a cicada flew into the car through an open window and struck him in the face, cops report.

The male driver–who was not cited by police in connection with the crash–was not seriously injured.

The Brood X cicada, however, did not survive the accident. Police found the vile insect’s lifeless body on the Chevy’s floorboard.

A memorial service for the cicada will be held Friday in the Great American Ball Park, since the Reds only attract about fifteen fans per game.