Time Heels All Wounds

Meet Irene Sewell of Tennessee.

Irene is a retired professional ballroom dancer – that’s apparently a thing – who wanted to achieve fame and/or fortune. She did so by running a marathon in high heels.

Irene Sewell shared photos of herself following the Guinness World Record-breaking performance as she managed to complete the 26.2-mile race in the high-heeled shoes.

“Well world, I DID IT. I’m still in shock, but it really happened,” she wrote this week. “I ran a marathon today in high heels and set a Guinness World Record with two minutes to spare!”

Sewell brought six pairs of the 3-inch stilettos ranging from size seven and a half to nine along with blister band-aids, in-soles and calf sleeves. To top the previous record Sewell was required to complete the race in under seven and a half hours equaling a 17-minute mile pace.

So Irene ran a 26.2-mile race in high heels without ever falling backward and breaking a toe? Wow, someone nominate her for president! #ImWithHer

Advertisements

Arachnophobia

A Tucson man took some unconventional measures to rid his mobile home – shock – of spiders this week, and the results had him really fired up.

A blowtorch used to burn spider webs could be the cause of a fire at a mobile home in Tucson, Arizona, officials say. Fire crews sent to the scene on Sunday stopped the fire from spreading.

The cause of the fire is being investigated. But firefighters say they suspect a propane torch was used to burn spiders from under the trailer.

Most of you know I have spent some – absolutely fabulous – time in Arizona, and if there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s no one worries about spiders. Mostly because they’re freakin’ everywhere! Plus, I am also assuming this clown was born and raised in Flori-duh.

Soccer: It’s A Pisser

An Italian soccer player has been banned for five games after showing his displeasure toward opposing fans in a most unique fashion.

And to think, I always thought Italians were calm, non-expressive types.

A footballer in Italy has been suspended for five matches for urinating towards opposition fans.

Giovanni Liberti of non-league Turris received the lengthy ban. During a stoppage in play in a 3-3 draw against Sarnese, Liberti ”urinated in the direction of the away section, making obscene and vulgar gestures, while showing his genital organ,” says the Serie D disciplinary body.

After the incident, the Coppa Italia league posted signs in the front rows reading, “Caution. Splash Area. You May Get Wet.”

She Blinded Me With Gaming

A young Chinese woman lost her sight after spending an entire day playing a game on her cellphone. Now I guess she’ll have to make the transformation from gamer to kung fu master.

A 21-year-old Chinese woman went blind in one eye after playing the popular video game Honour of Kings on her mobile phone non-stop for a whole day.

The unnamed gaming addict suddenly lost sight in her right eye on Sunday evening, after she had been playing all day at her parents’ home in Dongguan, Guangdong province, news website Sun0769.com reported on Wednesday.

She was diagnosed on Wednesday morning with retinal artery occlusion in her right eye at a hospital in the city’s Nanchang district.

There’s only one thing I can say about this woman, and that is, “Well done! You are the greatest hero in Chinese gaming history!”

The Secret Ingredient Is Regulations

The Nashoba Brook Bakery, located in Massachusetts, is in trouble with the fascists at FDA after listing “love” as an ingredient in their food.

The FDA reprimanded Nashoba Brook Bakery for misbranding its Nashoba Granola by including “love” as an ingredient on the label.

“‘Love’ is not a common or usual name of an ingredient, and is considered to be intervening material because it is not part of the common or usual name of the ingredient,” the administration said.

Nashoba CEO John Gates described the FDA’s message as “so George Orwell” and told Bloomberg he was proud to include “love” as an ingredient in the company’s products. Gates was disappointed, but said Nashoba Brook Bakery will ultimately comply with the FDA’s request and plans to send a response to the agency.

It’s interesting how the FDA cannot detect cat meat in Chinese take out, but can initiate an investigation into “love.” Serious question: Is there anyone in America – save for Floridians – who would believe love is an actual ingredient in food?

Italian Woman Goes Peak Feminist

Meet Laura Mesi.

Laura believes she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, but doggone it, people do not like her.

Undeterred by her obviously toxic personality, Laura decided to make herself the happiest woman in the world… by marrying herself.

An Italian woman has married herself in a ceremony complete with white dress, three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids and 70 guests.

“I firmly believe that each of us must first of all love ourselves,” said Laura Mesi, a 40-year-old fitness trainer. “You can have a fairytale even without the prince.”

The ceremony carries no legal weight. But Ms Mesi is part of a growing trend for self-marriage – dubbed “sologamy” – in countries around the world. Proponents of such ceremonies say it is about self-love and acceptance, and claiming the social affirmation normally reserved for couples who wed.

I considered this when I was in college, but then realized I can’t marry someone like me. I hate myself!

They Are So Smart. S-M-R-T.

Meet Andrea Gould.

Andrea of one of a trio of smart, urban professionals profiled by the UK Daily Mail this week. Apparently Andrea, Becca Porter, and Natasha Hooper cannot find love because – get this – they are all too smart for their dates.

With long dark hair, big brown eyes and a Size 8 figure, Natasha — entering her final year at Goldsmiths, University of London — has no problem attracting male attention.

The issue, she explains, is the calibre of men she attracts. ‘I’m not claiming to be Albert Einstein, but I can’t seem to meet a man I find intellectually stimulating,’ she says. Nor is she the only well-educated young woman who says she is too clever to find love.

She is one of a growing breed of women who fear — perhaps with good reason — they will be left on the proverbial shelf because of a shortage of educated men.

Of course that reasoning is possible, but it is also possible these broads are arrogant, ignorant, C-words. Just a thought from a guy too dumb to date smart chicks.

Feel The Burn

A German fire department responded to a local gym after a man was injured while building his penis muscles.

Firefighters in a German city said it took about three hours to free a man who had “a very sensitive part of the body” stuck in the center hole of a dumbbell weight.

The Feuerwehr Worms Fire Department said firefighters responded Friday to a hospital in the appropriately named city of Worms after a man at a local gym ended up with a dumbbell disc stuck around his penis.

The firefighters said it took them about three hours to break through the 5.5-pound weight using tools including a grinder and a hydraulic saw.

So what, was he bench-pressing the weight or curling it? Someone help me out here.

Cape Rear

A jogger has been terrorizing a Colorado family for months by regularly taking a dump on their lawn.

A Colorado mom is losing her s—t over a mystery woman who’s been pooping outside her house at least once a week.

Cathy Budde, of Colorado Springs, said her kids caught the daring defecator mid-squat. But instead of cutting the crap, the woman — whom the Buddes have dubbed “The Mad Pooper” — has returned to do her business outside the family’s house for at least the past seven weeks, even though there’s a bathroom across the street.

Cops are just as dumbfounded. “I’ve been here 35 plus years and I’ve never experienced someone that has been defecating in the same area multiple times. It’s bizarre,” Lt. Howard Black told The Post.

The good news is the Budde family’s lawn never looked better!

Judging from the photos, the offender looks like a very attractive woman with an amazing body. Not exactly what I would have expected. One has to wonder, though, if she has no qualms about pooping in public, what are her bathroom habits at home?

Arm-y Of None

Great fashion usually lies in the eye of the beholder. While Hugo Boss’ Nazi uniforms were faaaaabulous, Calvin Klein’s latest creation can arguably be considered a war crime.

Fashion brand Calvin Klein has released a sweater that appears to simply be a pair of sleeves.

The $1,650 “multicolor wool cheerleader sweater” features a semi-sheer stretch nylon and wool material that creates the illusion that the garment has no torso.

A thin line of blue contrast stitching along the side breaks the illusion, leading into off-white and blue rib knit sleeves seemingly floating in thin air. (H/TAOSHQ)

Ironically, this model looks like he spends his weekends “floating in thin air.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.