Max Headroom Lives!

A Virginia man has been leaving classic televisions on people’s porches in Virginia. There is no word if the TV is able to broadcast episodes of Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons or Beavis and Butt-Head.

A man wearing a custom television helmet has left over 50 old TVs on porches in Henricho County, Virginia under the cover of darkness.

Several of his special deliveries were caught on home security cameras, but the man has not been identified and police suspect it’s just a prank and that all the televisions (which have already been rounded up by authorities) will not turn on simultaneously and start broadcasting Television Head’s list of demands or he’ll destroy all TV streaming services.

This guy shouldn’t be hard to find. I mean how far can he go if his head is connected to a five-foot cord?

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Boning Up On The Local Customs

Meet Danny Polaris of Berlin, Germany.

Danny had a hot date with a nurse recently, and he couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate profession.

Danny Polaris, who lives in Kreuzberg, Berlin, took a Viagra before a night out recently. When he went home with a nurse he met, he allowed his friend to inject a stimulant into his penis. He felt fine until two days later when he was rushed to hospital screaming in pain.

Danny was diagnosed with a priapism, which, if not treated, can cause permanent damage to the penis.

Meanwhile Danny’s friends have set up a GoFundMe page to pay for his recovery and rehabilitation costs.

They probably should have set up a DeBoneMe instead.

The Swiss Scalps

A Swiss chocolate company is searching for a young girl to bee the star of the company’s Christmas commercial. There are only a few catches; she cannot have reached puberty, she cannot be overweight, and she cannot be a redhead.

A casting call for a “very pretty” and “childlike” girl to star in a Christmas advertising campaign has sparked outrage online for banning overweight children and redheads from applying. The call was for an advertisement for Milka chocolate and was spotted by performer Helen Raw.

“She must be beautiful and angelic,” it reads. “Eye colour and hair colour are not important but no red hair […] she must NOT have reached puberty.”

In an amendment to the original post, which was also shared by Raw, the casting director stated: “No overweight children as this is advertising chocolate.”

Wow. I mean, I get the people at Milka prefer pure Aryan stock, but maybe they can emerge from their bunkers and check out the awesomeness that redheads afford us…

Continue reading “The Swiss Scalps”

Place Your Stewardess In The Overhead

The reason I try to fly Southwest Airlines? You never know what’s gonna fall in your lap.

Maybe that’s why passengers have to gate check their bags – the overhead compartments are filled with flight attendants.

A recent Southwest Airlines flight from Nashville to Philadelphia began on an odd note when a passenger spotted a flight attendant inside the plane’s overhead compartment.

According to a short video taken by passenger Veronica Lloyd, who was heading back home to Pennsylvania, the attendant can be seen resting on her side and stomach, with her feet hanging out of the compartment. While passengers are boarding, the airline employee rolls over on her stomach and seems to start talking, though the video cuts off.

It’s an odd place to join the Mile High Club, but good for her!

Shake It Up

Ladies, are you having trouble obtaining an “O-Face?” Do you wish your man could give it to you with enthusiasm instead with a yawn?

Well, it could be worse. Just ask this British woman.

A woman whose orgasms are triggered by things as minor as potholes and aircraft turbulence says the condition has ruined her life.

The mum, Maria, 61, suffers from PGAD (Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder) which affects an estimated one per cent of women. She can find herself unable to avoid climaxing when out and about, even if she feels no sexual desire.

Yeah, women have that reaction around me on a daily basis. It’s a curse, I tell ya!

‘Most of the time I feel like I am sitting on an ant’s nest,’ Maria, from Glasgow, said. ‘Driving over potholes, aircraft turbulence, escalators, the vibration from violins – I don’t know how many women could say they went to a Shania Twain concert and she made them orgasm.

If I had a dollar for every time Shania Twain made me orgasm, I’d have… *counts fingers*… 99 orgasms!

Pop Goes The Heat Wave

The countries of Europe are almost literally on fire. A massive heat wave has covered the area with 100+ degree temperatures, and citizens are looking for relief.

While the Brits are searching for ways to keep their cool, sticking Popsicles into your private orifices is not the answer.

Brits are frantically looking for ways to cool down during the heatwave. While some are rushing out to buy fans, others are putting their bedding in the freezer. But there’s another heat-banishing hack you should never try.

Doctors are warning ladies against putting ice lollies into their vaginas – which should go without saying, really.

This is because you are “introducing microbes” into the body. Bacteria can lead to “infections, irritations and damage”, while the sugar in the lollies can affect the natural pH of the vagina.

I mean, really, the last thing Europe needs is more frigid women.

Nigerian Prince’s Scam Is Really Taking Off

A Nigerian man was arrested outside Lagos after trying to illegally board an Azman Air flight… by grabbing hold of the wing.

A man who climbed onto the wing of a plane as it prepared for takeoff at the airport in Nigeria’s Lagos city has been arrested, authorities said.

The man, who has not been identified, walked towards the aircraft on the runway and was spotted by the pilot, who slowed down and later turned off the engine as the man continued to wander around the aircraft, Azman Air said in a statement.

He then jumped onto a wing of the plane and tried to access the cabin, the airline said. The pilot radioed the tarmac to report the incident, according to the airline.

I get the guy wants to escape Nigeria – who wouldn’t? – but perhaps a safer mode of transport – Uber, bicycle, elephant’s back – would be preferable. Although, to be honest, this is exactly what I plan on doing the day I retire. Whatever gets me out of this town the fastest.

Walloping Websnappers!

My oldest son told me about this story Friday night and I thought he was screwing with me. Sadly, he was not.

A woman is demanding the city of Lincoln, Nebraska remove a statue she deems as “demonic.” The status in question? Yeah, it’s not exactly Beelzebub.

A Nebraska woman is calling for the removal of a statue she says is demonic in nature. The subject of the statue in question – Spider-Man. The woman believes the six-foot tall statue of the Marvel hero’s hands shooting webs is both “anti-Christian” and “demonic.”

The sculpture contains traditional Spider-Man imagery: hands pointing forward with the middle and ring fingers pressed to the palms, shooting webs. The woman sent an email to the city’s mayor, saying in part that it was “a sculpture of two hands open, painted Red & Black, and formed into Devil Horns.”

Look, I know Christians have been the left’s favorite targets the last twenty years, and I am always defending them from the slings and arrows. That said, I cannot defend this woman, and I would go as far to say she is an outright kook.

Spider-Man is not demonic. The Green Goblin? Maybe…

Americans, Avoid The Big Penis

Guys, whatever you do, don’t use your Big Penis!

Do not use Big Penis, US regulators are warning Americans.

Sorry, but it’s the only kind I have.

The product, promoted as a natural male sexual stimulant, is available online and does not require a prescription. But inspectors with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) found the tablets, sold globally, contain undeclared sildenafil – the active ingredient in Viagra – which is so potent it requires a doctor’s approval.

While that may be welcome news to some users, health officials warn the powerful ingredient could lower blood pressure to dangerous levels, with sinister consequences for users with conditions such as diabetes or heart disease.

Now, I’m no expert on American males, but I know enough to guarantee every single guy in the country would choose the big penis over something trivial like low blood pressure and heart disease. Besides, if you die using some Big Penis, at least you’ll leave an arousing corpse.

Everything’s Boober In Texas

A Texas mother is hooping mad at a female photobomber who ruined their vacation photos.

A boob flashing photo-bomber ruined pictures of a fun family gathering, a mother from Cypress, Texas, says.

Photos from a family’s trip to Garner State Park were ruined when a smiling female photo-bomber decided to flash her breast in frame of the family’s picture, Monica Davila said. “I just think this person should be held accountable. What she did was wrong. There were kids there watching her,” she continued.

Davila said her husband’s grandmother recently passed away and the family decided to take a trip in her honor to Garner State Park, as she was going through her photo album from the trip, she noticed the prank in a group photo of the entire family.

“(You see her) boob, nipple, everything,” she explained.

Mental note: Tell Kyle to take a trip to Garner State Park.

Seriously, flashing your breasts in a family photo is a pretty garbage thing to do. During Erik’s Holy Communion, some a-hole flipped the bird as he passed us. It made it in the photo, and I had to crop it out because humans are awful.