Milk, It Does A Body Good

Japan had an overabundance of milk last year, so to avoid the decision to dispose of it, the Japanese Prime Minister decided to urge citizens to drink and/or cook with milk as often as possible.

Late last year, Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida addressed the nation and talked about various measure to deal with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. He not only discussed measures to prevent the spread of the virus but also ways to mitigate its effect on the economy.

It was then that he issued an urgent call to arms that may define his entire term as Prime Minister…in my mind at least.

“I am asking the people of Japan to use milk in cooking and to drink cups of milk always through the New Year’s holiday in order to prevent a mass disposal.”

According to the prime minister’s plea, the milk producers of Japan were sitting on a huge 5,000-ton glut of white crude caused mainly by canceled school lunches throughout the pandemic. If this milk could find no home, it would have to be spilled.

Thanks to the Prime Minister’s request, a portion of the Japanese economy was saved. This is what leadership looks like. If only we had some in this country…

The Shirt That Launched 1,000 Buttons

So you’re young, fairly attractive, and ready to head to the nightclub. You open your closet and begin the journey to find the perfect top. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains.

Sadly the rain was focused upon one poor sap who did not choose his shirt… wisely.

The internet has sacrificed yet another unsuspecting innocent on the altar of the Meme gods — this time a yet-unnamed man who decided to go clubbing in a shirt that has seen better days (or perhaps saw his better days).

Every now and then, when the internet winds are blowing just right, someone goes to sleep a man or woman and awakens the next morning a meme. Posted online by Twitter user JussdinV2 with the one-word caption, “Insanity.”, the Twitterverse’s execution-by-fire of the man was swift and absolute.

I would have suggested the guy wear a gray t-shirt underneath to at least obscure the bare chest, or, you know, wear another shirt. One wonders if the dude scored that night.

Istanbul Not Constantinople

Well everyone, get out your maps and globes, because Turkey has changed its country’s name… again. The name change is much more difficult to spell, but hey, at least they won’t be confused with Thanksgiving.

The Middle Eastern country officially changed its name in December to Türkiye (when the English spelling is used). The decision was made to better reflect the culture and traditions of the country.

President Recep Tayyip Erdogan issued a circular in early December making the change to preserve the values that come from the deep-rooted history of the Turkish nation.

“The phrase Türkiye represents and expresses the culture, civilization and values of the Turkish nation in the best way,” the circular says. “In this context, the phrase ‘Made in Türkiye’ is now being used instead of ‘Made in Turkey’ on our export products, which are the pride of our country in international trade.”

The only things Made in Türkiye are Islamic warlord-dictators and, I don’t know, olive oil?

Where The Deer And The Military Play

A solider from Paraguay was killed by a deer after the animal’s antlers pierced the soldier’s chest. You’d think the dude would have shot the deer the second it approached him.

A Paraguayan soldier has died after he was attacked by a deer in the gardens of the country’s presidential palace.

Sergeant Victor Isasi, 42, died as a result of piercing injuries caused by its antlers, the military said.

The non-native deer was a gift to the presidential residence near the capital, Asunción. An infantry spokesman said it was usually kept in a separate area with other wild animals which were not meant to come into contact with people.

Well gee, Mister Spokesman, I guess that point is moot. Here’s hoping the other soldiers are eating venison in their comrade’s honor.

Apparently The Volcano Beat Joe

The body of a 75-year old man was recovered from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano, after he moved to a closed section and fell to his death.

Authorities on Hawaii’s Big Island have recovered the body of a 75-year-old man who is believed to have fallen from a closed area of Hawaii Volcanoes national park, where visitors in past months have been trying to get a glimpse of a glowing lava lake from an eruption of the Kilauea volcano.

Family members had reported the man missing from the park early on Monday, the National Park Service said. Officials believe the accident occurred late on Sunday evening.

Park rangers and firefighters had searched through the night to locate the missing man, and eventually recovered his body 100ft (30.48m) below the crater rim of the Uēkahuna viewing area at the summit of the Kilauea volcano.

Why anyone would visit an active volcano is beyond me, especially the elderly. It’s a shame about the man, but good grief, where were his family members?

Ground Control To Major Yuri

Just when you thought it was safe to go back outside, an out of control Russian rocket is expected to strike Earth today or tomorrow. The rocket lifted off fine, but the third stage booster never activated, meaning the rocket will crash to Earth, hopefully into Stephen Colbert’s house.

An updated forecast released today suggests that an out-of-control Russian rocket tumbling back towards Earth could strike on Thursday. In an updated forecast shared by Joseph Remis on shows the rocket re-entering around 10:56 pm ET on Wednesday, January 5. As more data is analyzed, the impact area(s) will be refined as will the impact time.

It would also be acceptable if the rocket struck the Philadelphia Eagles stadium.

On December 27, the Russian Angara A5 rocket lifted off from the Plesetsk Cosmodrome. Named after a river in Siberia, the Angara rocket is the first heavy-lift launch vehicle used by the Russian space agency Roscomos in decades. The December 27 launch was the third test flight of the giant rocket. While the launch was flawless, an upper-stage rocket failed to successfully fire.

While the Angara’s first two stages fired as planned, the third stage, a Persei rocket, failed to fire a second time. While the first fire helped put the dummy payload it was carrying into low-Earth orbit, the failure of the second fire failed to put the dummy payload into a geostationary orbit. Instead, the 20 ton mass is tumbling out of control to Earth.

Seems like there are a lot of dummies in the story; all of them Russian.

Get It On, Bang A Gong, Get It On

A group of fifty people decided to get together in Barcelona, Spain and bring in 2022 with a bang.

Police broke up a New Year’s Eve orgy after two of the invited guests gave away the private love-in by knocking on the door of the wrong house.

Way to go, dumbasses!

Officers discovered more than 50 people had breached local Covid restrictions by turning up at the property in LIica d’Amunt near Barcelona for the sex party. Spanish daily El Mundo said a local raised the alarm after two people tried to enter his house wrongly thinking it was the orgy venue.

Wait, the cops were more annoyed about breaching Covid restrictions than the fifty-person orgy?

Guests were ‘having sex’ in upstairs rooms in the property located by police.

The sex party was reportedly organized by a group of Americans who allegedly hired prostitutes to celebrate New Year’s Eve and the arrival of 2022.

You know, I was about to congratulate Barcelona for giving police the finger, and then I read the party was set up by Americans. I should have known better.

A Lengthy Study

A plastic surgeon created a TikTok video claiming the average male wiener is about five inches long. The doctor then claimed men exaggerate their length, because we’re men.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn, who famously ripped the medical community over breast implant myths last summer, is back with another body part bombshell — that men’s penis sizes are exaggerated in studies. A video of his manhood myth-busting currently boasts more than 430,000 views on TikTok.

“The average length may be shorter than you think!” reads the caption to the revelatory clip, which Youn posted Tuesday in response to another video in which a woman said she preferred the “average length” of 5 inches to something bigger.

Five inches is the average length? Good grief, that’s three inches longer than mine!

“Studies show that the average length of a man’s erect junk is 5.15 inches,” explained the TikTok doc, who has over 7.3 million followers on the platform. “But the real length is probably less than that because most men with small wieners probably wouldn’t consent to being involved in those studies.”

To be honest, I would probably volunteer for the study if some hot nurses were doing the measuring. The hard part – phrasing – would be the laughing afterward.

Damned Dirty Apes!

A pack of enraged monkeys killed two hundred and fifty dogs after one of the dogs killed an infant monkey in India.

Enraged monkeys have killed 250 dogs in an Indian district by dragging them to the top of buildings and trees and dropping them.

Panic-stricken residents have also come under attack and say the acts of animal violence have been carried out ‘in revenge’ after a pack of dogs killed one of the monkeys’ infants.

The horrific incidents have been reported in the villages of Majalgaon, where 250 dogs are said to have been killed by rampaging primates, and nearby Lavul in Maharashtra’s Beed district. According to India’s News18 website, ‘not a single pup’ is left in Lavul where even school children are being chased and attacked.

If I can steal a line from the movie “Snatch,” “Do you have anything to declare?” “Yeah, don’t go to India.”

Boss To Fire Captain: Urine Trouble

A captain in the Plano, Texas Fire Department was suspended and demoted after he pulled into a fast food drive-thru… spilled his own urine on himself… while pantsless… wearing a gold penis ring.

Urinating into a plastic bottle, I’ll accept. Accidentally spilling the urine all over yourself, I’ll accept, unfortunate though it may be. Removing your urine-soaked pants and underwear, I’ll accept.

But urinating into a plastic bottle, accidentally spilling the urine all over yourself, removing your urine-soaked pants and underwear, and then cruising through the drive-thru line completely nude from the waist down while wearing penis jewelry? This is the sum of a bad, bad decision made by a fire captain in Plano, Texas.

The fire captain was recently arrested and charged for exposing his genitals to a fast-food worker, resulting in the captain’s suspension and demotion.

I sincerely hope the guy was getting food from Slim Chickens or a Raising Cane’s, because otherwise this entire story is one giant loss.