All That Hate, Down The Drain

Meet fitness model Lauren Drain. While Lauren is gorgeous on the outside, she was, for a while, pretty terrible inside.

AN INSTAGRAM model has revealed how she fled America’s “most hated family” at gay-hating Westboro Baptist Church because she didn’t want an arranged marriage.

Lauren Drain went along to the church’s notorious hurtful protests for seven years – where they would regularly hurl abuse and vile slogans at everyone from the LGBT community to attendees at soldiers’ funerals.

The 33-year-old recounts how, at the young age of 22, she began to question the hate, and was immediately excommunicated. Her own father, Steve, delivered the final verdict, banishing her from the family entirely.

Her banishment had one advantage – she was able to rebuild her life. As a qualified nurse she had a good launch pad, but it was fitness that she found her fortune in.

Nursing, huh? Hey Lauren, I don’t “hate fags,” and I am dealing with a concussion. Any chance you can nurse me back to health?

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Russian Girl Shoots Her Mouth Off

A Moscow teenager wanted to impress her drunken, cabbage-headed friends with a fabulous social media photo. She did not disappoint.

A teenage girl accidentally shot herself in the face while taking a selfie with her dad’s gun. The Moscow schoolgirl survived the horrific accident but is in hospital with serious facial injuries.

Reports say the 13-year-old took her father’s pistol without his permission.

She locked herself in her bedroom to take the photo, with plans to post it on social media to impress her friends. But the gun went off accidentally and she suffered a broken jaw as a result, say detectives.

In Soviet Russia, picture takes you! That was bad. Come back to me. I can do better.

“The Queen Has Him Locked.”

Authorities in Great Britain are introducing legislation to combat the threat of drones over the country’s airports. The new law is definitely an explosive proposition.

New laws are set to be unveiled that will allow the use of anti-drone missiles at British airports, after 140,000 people were left stranded at Gatwick last month.

Ministers are hoping to give civilian authorities the power to defend themselves – and the public – from unlawful and malicious drone activity, providing them with military-style defences such as electronic jammers and net guns.

The new laws will also see drones and other remote controlled aircrafts completely banned in a three mile radius from all airports – an improvement on the current ban of two-thirds of a mile.

So, to recap, you are not allowed to carry a firearm in Britain to defend yourself, but you can launch f**king missiles at drones to keep flights from departing on time?

Oh, The Humanity!

A West Indian marketplace got very heated last week after a group of balloons exploded. See if you can guess what was inside the balloons?

Four people were left injured in Rajkot, West India, after balloons allegedly filled with ultra-flammable hydrogen exploded. In CCTV footage, a woman can be seen holding several red balloons in a bustling market.

Suddenly the whole area is filled with a burst of light followed by a fiery inferno, as people scramble to get away from the outburst.

The severity of the injuries caused by the fire is not currently known.

Darwin giveth and you taketh away. Field Marshal Paul Von Hindenburg was unavailable for comment.

Not The Maple Syrup They Expected

A very liberal Vermont couple – dude, it’s Vermont; they’re not conservatives – are suing their gynecologist after they claim he used his own “goop” to artificially inseminate the man’s wife. Oh, and they are suing the doctor 41 years later.

The case filed this month in federal court in Burlington dates back to 1977 and targets Montpelier-based Dr. John Boyd Coates, III.

The couple, Cheryl Rousseau and Peter Rousseau, claim they signed a contract with Dr. Coates for him to artificially inseminate Cheryl using donated semen from an unnamed medical student who resembled her husband.

“This could not have been done accidentally” said Jerry O’Neill, the lawyer for the Rousseau family.

The family found out just recently when their now 41-year-old daughter wanted to find her genetic background to learn more about her health and background. She used websites like Ancestry.com which reportedly pointed to Coates.

And?? Their daughter was fathered by a doctor. Coates could have thrown some homeless guy’s goop into the petri dish.

Christmas Comes Early

Apparently, British perverts are just as bad, if not worse, than their American cousins.

A CREEP has been jailed for sending his sickened neighbour a filthy Christmas card with a “I want to lick your f***y” message written inside.

Allan West, 64, wrote the vile message under the standard greeting and posted it through the woman’s door on Christmas Day afternoon.

Falkirk Sheriff Court heard that the victim, in her 30s, was “shocked and alarmed” and called the cops. Prosecutor Ann Orr said it was the second card she had received from West while home alone on Christmas Day.

Okay, I know I’m old and borderline senile, but what does the paper mean by “f***y?” Serious question. Is it “fuzzy,” “furry,”… help me out here!

Meanwhile, In Russia…

In Soviet Russia, sometimes the bear gets you, and sometimes the bear really gets you.

A woman is in a ‘grave condition’ after a brown bear tore her off her arm and then ate it during a Christmas party at a Russian guest house.

The angry beast grabbed her outstretched hand as she fed the wild animal through the bars of its cramped cage.

The unnamed 53-year-old woman is now in intensive care following the attack in the Russian city of Achinsk. She suffered huge blood loss and underwent emergency surgery on the stump of her arm.

I guess it could have been worse; the bear could have torn the woman’s arm off and beat her with it before chowing down. What? I’m just sayin’.

British Man Needs An Influx Capacitor

Meet Jimmy Croxton and his (really cute) girlfriend, Natalie Wilshaw.

Jimmy is saddled with type 1 diabetes and has been unable to “slip one past the goalie,” so to speak. Now Jimmy has hope, thanks to something called a “Vampire Penis Jab.”

Jimmy Croxton, from Newcastle-under-Lyme, Staffordshire, has been trying for a baby with his girlfriend, Natalie Wilshaw. But fluctuating blood sugar levels caused by Jimmy’s type 1 diabetes have damaged nerves in his penis, leading to erectile dysfunction and problems ejaculating.

However, that’s all set to change, thanks to a new £1,200 treatment, called a P-Shot developed from an anti-ageing facial used by Kim Kardashian.

When I hear a phrase like “vampire penis jab,” I immediately think I’m going to be punched by someone’s undead member. No. Thank. You.

They Like Big Butts…

A Philadelphia woman has passed away after she received silicone injections in her buttocks.

A few years ago, we had a crazy woman doing these procedures in hotel rooms, and more than a few of the patients died. You’d think someone from Philly would know better.

The death of a Philadelphia woman who received a buttocks-enhancement procedure in New York City has been ruled a homicide.

The New York City Chief Medical Examiner has determined 48-year-old Lesbia Ayala died after receiving silicone injections in her buttocks and thighs. Police were called to a home in the Bronx June 17 and found Ayala in cardiac arrest.

I’m sorry the woman passed away, but what parent in their right minds names their child Lesbia Ayala?

This Company Can Go To Yell

Apparently this Christmas season’s “it” toy is Yellies. They are plush toys which go faster when you scream at them. Pfft, and you thought Tickle Me Elmo was annoying.

This year’s hot – and controversial – holiday toys are Hasbro’s Yellies, a line of plush spider-like (“Spooders) creatures that move faster when you scream at them.

The toys are creating quite a kerfuffle with parents who think the toys are a bad idea.

How could anyone think their children’s’ constant screaming would be a bad idea? I predict no one will be fighting other parents to get their hands on this monstrous creation.