The Hater Rater

A mentally imbalanced woman destroyed her local beach in a scathing review on TripAdvisor. It doesn’t seem Mrs. Earp was the one behind the review. Heh.

Sandcastle enthusiasts have been warned to avoid a certain beach in Cornwall at all costs. That’s because the sand at Perranporth beach is simply ‘too damp’, according to an utterly bizarre review left on TripAdvisor.

A holidaymaker who apparently doesn’t understand how the tide works left the review after making the trip to Perranporth. She complained that the wet sand makes building sandcastles tough, and the beach was ‘far too busy’ for her liking.

Really? A beach is busy in August? Maybe you should plan next year’s beach holiday closer to Boxing Day, you pretentious twit.

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Flight

An employee at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport took an unoccupied plane for a joyride before crashing it near Puget Sound. Sadly, Richard Russell refused to place his sanity in the upright position.

The theft of an empty plane by a suicidal baggage handler who performed dangerous loops before crashing in Seattle has exposed cracks in security and illustrated the potential perils of airport employees causing mayhem.

Richard Russell, a 29-year-old Horizon Air employee, hijacked the 76-seat plane from the maintenance area at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport and somehow managed to take off on Friday night.

The flight lasted about 75 minutes and ended when Russell crashed into a remote island in Puget Sound after being chased by military jets. The entire ordeal has now sparked major concerns about gaps in airport security as investigators try to determine how the heist was even able to occur.

So wait a minute, you mean to tell me strip searching elderly, wheelchair-bound grandmothers is not keeping our airports safe? The hell you say! Now I’m just spit-ballin’ here, but perhaps our nation’s airports could screen their employees as thoroughly as they screen their passengers.

This Was No Bodysurfing Accident!

Meet Jeff Hogan, wacky news anchor from WRAL in Raleigh, North Carolina. Jeff decided to hit the beat this weekend, and unfortunately, the beat hit back.

A North Carolina morning news anchor is off the air following a bodysurfing accident.

Jeff Hogan was rescued Saturday at Wrightsville Beach and was “pretty banged up.”

The NBC affiliate posted a video of the anchor in his hospital bed. Clad in a neck brace and bandages, Hogan thanked viewers for their well wishes and said he hoped to back on the air soon. The details of the accident and rescue have not been released.

I’ve been to the Jersey Shore countless times, and I have yet to be injured in a bodysurfing accident. Maybe now Jeff will take lessons from the master.

The Holy Hand Grenade

Two geniuses from New Jersey found a hand grenade while doing a residential cleanout, and started tossing it around, thinking it was fake. Not so much.

Two men diced with death when they started playing catch with a live hand grenade that they assumed was a fake. James Oliver, 24, runs his own waste removal business, BVE Clearances, and found the Second World War weapon as he was clearing a house.

As a laugh he chucked it at his work mate Connor Maher, 22, who caught it and threw it back. An enjoyable game of catch ensued, but it was only later they learned the grenade was live and a bomb disposal expert had to come and blow it up.

Ladies and gentlemen, it should be common practice to assume all firearms, hand grenades, and plasma rifles are always loaded and/or live.

Obligatory…

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Riding In Cars With Poise

Meet Anna Worden; Bettendorf, Iowa’s village idiot.

Anna was recently released from the ICU after competing in the newest moronic millennial event: the Kiki challenge.

The original “In My Feelings” challenge started innocently enough, with people filming themselves dancing to Drake’s new song, “In My Feelings.” But since the trend took off about a month ago, it’s escalated to a new, dangerous level, with some people recording themselves jumping out of moving cars to dance. Police and safety officials in communities around the world have issued warnings urging people not to do it.

Eighteen-year-old Anna Worden says all parents and teens need to hear her story. The teen from Bettendorf, Iowa, was trying to complete the challenge last week when she jumped out of a moving car. “The last thing I remember was opening the door. So apparently I got out and tripped and fell and hit my head,” she said.

Unconscious, Anna was rushed to a nearby hospital, then airlifted to Iowa City, where she woke up in the ICU.

And here we thought the Tide Pod Challenge was too stupid for words. The only sad part about this story is there doesn’t seem to be video of the event. I’d have it posted here on a continuous loop.

NJ Educator Is Down In The Dumps

Meet Thomas Tramaglini.

Thomas is a dedicated educator who rose to the rank of superintendent for a school district in Union County, New Jersey. Then everything went to sh*t.

Thomas Tramaglini, 42, resigned as superintendent for the Kenilworth School District.

An email to staffers said Tramaglini was resigning due to “events unrelated to his service for Kenilworth.”

The email continued: “[It] has become clear to both Dr. Tramaglini and the Kenilworth Board of Education that his continued service as Superintendent of Schools has become too much of a distraction to the main mission of the district.”

Tramaglini was arrested in May and accused of defecating on the Holmdel High School track and football field on a daily basis.

I’m going to call bullshit on this story. Why would a school superintendent risk a six-figure salary to poop on a track in his school district? It doesn’t make sense, and while I realize the whole world has gone mad, I am still very leary about this entire incident.

Hot Town, Summer In The Penis

A female writer from MEL Magazine – no, I’ve never heard of it, either – claims men across the world are currently experiencing “Summer Penis.”

Summer is in full swing and so too, apparently, is a phenomenon called “summer penis.”

The internet has been abuzz about the idea that penises appear to be larger in the summer and smaller in the winter — ever since journalist Tracy Moore wrote about it earlier this month in a feature for MEL Magazine. Moore explains that “summer penis” is a temporary fluctuation that, “thanks to heat and warmth, gives you a months-long leg-up on shaft size.”

Moore spoke with several urologists who backed up the men’s claims and attributed the apparent growth in penis size to the fact that blood vessels may expand in the summer to regulate heat, unlike in winter months when blood vessels contract.

According to the urologists, normal men experience this benefit during the warmer months. People like me, however, experience it 365 days a year.

Continue reading “Hot Town, Summer In The Penis”

Tears Of A Frown

Researchers have determined men can also feel weepy and emotional after sex. The researchers have coined the term “Being a pussy.”

Men and women both suffer from feelings of sadness, tearfulness or irritability following sex, researchers have found.

While the condition, known as Postcoital Dysphoria, has been recognised in women, the new study is the first to find it affects men as well. It found 41 per cent of men reported symptoms at some point in their life.

Maczkowiack revealed the men who had experienced sadness following sex described experiences ranging from ‘I don’t want to be touched and want to be left alone’ to ‘I feel unsatisfied, annoyed and very fidgety. All I really want is to leave and distract myself from everything I participated in’.

Those same things have happened to me, but it’s usually from the woman’s point of view. Apparently, I’m pretty terrible in the sack.

The Rider Philippe’d Over

Despite what you may think you know about the Tour de France, the athletes competing in the world’s most prestigious cycling event are anything but pansies. Take Philippe Gilbert, for example.

Quick-Step Floors’s Philippe Gilbert has abandoned the 2018 Tour de France through injuries suffered in a scary crash on a descent on stage 16.

The former world champion had attacked from the 46-man breakaway on the slopes of the third climb of the Col de Portet-d’Aspet with 71km to go, and had gained over a minute’s advantage as he crested the category two ascent.

As he looked to extend his advantage, Gilbert was pushing it on the descent with his team-mate and eventual stage winner Julian Alaphilippe behind. But on a left-hand bend, the Belgian came in with too much speed and locked up as he tried to brake, realising he was heading into the road-side wall.

Kevin and I were watching this as it happened. Our first thought was, “He’s dead.”

He crashed into the wall and was flung from his bike into the ravine on the other side. The 36-year-old re-emerged eventually, giving a thumbs up to camera and remounting his bike, despite having suffered cuts, with a particularly severe gash on his left leg. Gilbert was given the most combative rider award after the stage for finishing despite the crash.

A normal human probably would have laid in the ravine while contemplating his life choices. The fact Gilbert climbed out (with help from paramedics), jumped back on the bike (while bleeding like a stuck pig) and finished the race is an astonishing feat.

Now before you rip him for dropping out of the rest of the Tour, here’s a look as his leg, post-race…

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Jumper? I Hardly Know Her!

Meet Lizzie Purbrick.

This “handsome woman” is a former Olympian specializing in equestrian events, which is ironic because her go-to animal in stressful situations is apparently a pig.

A former Olympic show jumper used pig’s blood to daub lewd messages inside a Tory peer’s house after he cheated on her, a court has heard.

Lizzie Purbrick, 63, entered David Prior’s home after seeing him “in the arms of another woman”. She used a garden sprayer and litres of pig’s blood to cover walls with phrases such as “whore” and “lady slut”.

She admitted one charge of criminal damage.

Actually, the term “lady slut” is redundant. Sluts are always female, while men are classified as “man whores;” a title I embraced in high school and college.

It’s always sad when a couple falls on hard times. That said, Caitlin Jenner never looked better!