Great Googly Moogly

Police in Savannah, Georgia are looking for the offender who placed googly eyes on the status of Revolutionary War hero Nathanael Greene.

Someone put googly eyes on a statue in Savannah’s Johnson Square on Thursday, and city officials don’t think it’s funny.

“Who did this?! Someone placed googly eyes on our historic #NathanaelGreene statue in #JohnsonSquare,” reads a post on the City of Savannah Government Facebook page.

“It may look funny but harming our historic monuments and public property is no laughing matter, in fact, it’s a crime,” the post reads “We are hoping to find the person responsible! If you have information, please call Savannah Police.”

Why waste googly eyes on Nathanael Greene when you could just as easily – and more appropriately – attach them to the Marty Feldman statue?

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It’s Time To Head South

A German travel company made headlines after their vacation advertisement appeared to be NSFW.

A German company’s holiday advert has gone viral due to a rather unfortunate optimal illusion.

Neckermann, Thomas Cook’s sister company operating in mainland Europe, recently released a marketing poster promoting 2 for 1 holiday deals. But a picture for the campaign appears rather X-rated at first glance.

Due to the unfortunate placement of a man’s hand and leg, he appears to be pleasuring a woman sat on a sun lounger. Actually, he is simply cupping his own knee while the woman sunbathes beside him.

Somebody notify the Yellow Pages, because it looks like this geezer is letting his fingers do the walking.

The Path Less Traveled

While our trip to Ohio was not entirely enjoyable, at least we didn’t get stuck behind the idiot who guided his tractor trailer onto a bike path.

A confused truck driver in Ohio drove onto a bicycle path and ended up getting his semi wedged underneath a pair of overhead bridges.

The Columbus Division of Police said the bike path north of Spring Street, parallel to Ohio State Route 315, was closed after a truck driver from out of town got confused trying to find a highway on-ramp Thursday.

Whew, we missed him by a day. The problem with Google Maps is people – myself included – rely more on the voice directions than looking at the signs before turning. Plus, if there is a lag in play, you receive the directions a block or two too late. Not that that’s ever happened to me…

Oh, and I’m not sure if there are any Ohio residents reading the blog, but good Vishnu, the continuous construction on your highways – looking at you, Interstate 80 – is infuriating.

Putting On A Jersey Girl

We’re all painfully aware how defective many people from Florida are, but it’s important to note morons come in all shapes, sizes, and states. Take New Jersey’s Jessica Schlam, for instance.

A teen driver was trying to put on a sweatshirt Thursday morning when her Jeep veered into oncoming traffic and slammed into a sedan, sending her and the other driver to the hospital with serious injuries, Franklin Lakes police said.

Jessica Schlam, 19, of Franklin Lakes “was having difficulty” putting on the shirt when her 2017 Jeep Renegade veered across the double-yellow lane on northbound Pulis Avenue and rammed a 2017 Nissan Maxima driven by Mary Gaffney, 52, of Mahwah just before 7:30 a.m., Capt. John Bakelaar said.

In fairness, her breasts beeped the horn as she was wiggling into the sweater.

A Burnin’ Ring Of Fire

An Arkansas fireman received a burning sensation when he came across a flaming hole near the town of Midway.

Officials in northern Arkansas are investigating the cause of a mysterious hole in the ground that spouted flames into the air for more than 40 minutes.

Investigators have ruled out methane as the source of the fire that erupted from the hole on Sept. 17 in Midway, a community near the Arkansas-Missouri border. Farfetched suspicions, such as meteorites, have also been proven unfounded, Baxter County Judge Mickey Pendergrass told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

The judge acknowledged other theories, too: “As far as the spiritual Satan goes, we’ve ruled that out. … He didn’t come up and stick his pitchfork in the ground and blow that hole out.”

Honestly, how can you not love Arkansas? Investigators later determined the flames originated after a Courtney Stodden naked photoshoot at that very spot.

The Six Million Dollar Hospital Bill

A British man spent five days in a hospital after the first try with his bionic dingus.

A man who had sex for the first time at the age of 45 after being fitted with a £50,000 bionic penis collapsed unconscious at home just a few days later and has been rushed back to hospital.

Andrew Wardle, who was born with a congenital abnormaility, is in hospital in Manchester undergoing keyhole surgery on his gall bladder. It is the latest in a string of operations for Andrew, who was born with bladder exstrophy: his lower abdominal wall had not formed properly.

His terrified girlfriend Fedra found him on the floor and took him to hospital where he remained unconscious for five days.

Same thing happened to my high school girlfriend the first time we had sex, and I don’t even have a bionic penis. It’s spectacular and enormous, just not bionic.

Rock Beats Fire

When confronted by people who criticize Pennsylvania, I usually do my level best to stick up for my state. Sometimes, a defense is both inappropriate and unwarranted; like when someone throws a boulder into a burning residence.

No one was hurt but a home was heavily damaged Monday afternoon in a fire in Lower Saucon Township.

A man, his wife and a dog got themselves out of the home at 4267 Roberts Ave., but someone else threw a boulder through a garage window to get access to a car inside, Steel City Volunteer Fire Department Chief Chris Snyder said. Once that window was smashed, more oxygen entered the home and the fire took off, Snyder said.

There was an “altercation” with the rock thrower and that person was told to leave the property, Snyder said.

So… did the neighbor believe the boulder would snuff out the flames, or that it was filled with clean, fresh water? The Lehigh Valley is not traditionally considered as “Pennsyltucky,” but in this instance, we’ll make an exception.

The Stamp Act

An Ohio “gentleman’s club” had their liquor license revoked after agents observed multiple illegalities inside; including drug sales, sexual activity, and other interesting transactions.

The Ohio Liquor Control Commission revoked the adult entertainment club’s license, according to the Ohio Investigative Unit.

Agents with the OIU had began investigating Twenty Two Fifty, Inc. which is also known as Sharky’s in May of 2017. During the investigation, agents say they were able to buy drugs and lap dances by using food stamps. During the five-month long investigation, agents exchanged more than $2,000 worth of food stamps to buy heroin, fentanyl, carfentanil, cocaine, methamphetamine and lap dances. Criminal charges were filed against employees and patrons for drug trafficking, food stamp trafficking, aggravated shipment and distribution of heroin, engaging in a pattern of corrupt activity and illegal sexual activity.

Wait, you can purchase lap dances with food stamps? Welfare office here I come! *phrasing*

What A Dyck

A Canadian town is scrambling to rebuild a bridge which collapsed shortly after it was finished.

A rural municipality in east-central Saskatchewan is promising an investigation into the collapse of a bridge that was opened just hours earlier. The incident took place late Friday afternoon at the site of the Dyck Memorial Bridge in the RM of Clayton.

A statement the municipality put on its website and Facebook page said “the bridge was built to Canadian Bridge Standards and unfortunately something under the riverbed failed, that could not have been anticipated. This caused the pier to sink and the middle span to fall off the pier cap and into the river.”

In the meantime, Rea said the municipality is trying to get a company to “come out and do some testing.”

I’m no engineer, but may I suggest sending a few portly gentlemen across the bridge before you pronounce the structure safe?

The Most Shocking Story Of The Day

A writer for Sesame Street has come out – phrasing – to claim Bert and Ernie were gay. Duh.

THE true nature of Bert and Ernie’s very special friendship has been a hotly-debated mystery ever since the iconic children’s show first aired in 1969. Many were convinced the two lovable characters who shared a basement apartment on 123 Sesame Street – but slept in different beds – were gay lovers.

Now, after decades of speculation, one of the show’s writers has lifted the lid on its most famous and beloved characters.

Mark Saltzman, who joined the Sesame Street team in 1984, revealed he did write Bert and Ernie as a gay couple. He told Queerty the characters reflected his own same-sex relationship with film editor Arnold Glassman at the time.

Well thank you, Mister Helper, because no one ever assumed Bert and Ernie were gay. My question is why would Saltzman bother to confirm it? Why bring sexuality – gay or otherwise – into a children’s show? Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?

Dennis Prager is fond of this saying, and it is more than appropriate in this instance: “Whatever the left touches it ruins.”