Game, Sex, And Match

A Florida couple did the impossible this week by finally making tennis enjoyable to watch… or at least enjoyable to listen to.

As Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger competed in the Sarasota Open on Tuesday night, their match was interrupted by a couple having sex across the way.

“Nope, that’s not a phone. That is … that’s an apartment across the lake,” he said. “Well, everyone was looking around to see where that was coming from and finally, figure out, that wasn’t a video. At least somebody’s having a good night.”

While spectators erupted with laughter in the stands, Tiafoe shouted, “It can’t be that good!”

Wow, I haven’t heard moaning like that since my senior prom. Ba-zing!

Continue reading “Game, Sex, And Match”

Naked As A Jailbird

Meet Chelsea Guerra.

Chelsea is an aspiring model from Pennsylvania, so when she saw a Craigslist ad for a nude model, she jiggled at the opportunity. Unfortunately for Chelsea and her elderly photographer, the venue for the photoshoot was not held in a private setting.

Chelsea Guerra, 21, responded last week to a Craigslist ad seeking a nude female model. The ad was placed by Michael Warnock, a 63-year-old Pittsburgh resident.

According to investigators, after Warnock gave Guerra a $300 check, the duo began their photo shoot outside the Miracle Mile Shopping Center in Monroeville, a city about 15 miles east of Pittsburgh.

Warnock was snapping photos of the naked Guerra around 11 AM last Saturday, which caught the attention of witnesses. Guerra and Warnock–who appears to be an amateur lensman–were arrested when cops arrived at the strip mall.

What a brilliant idea! Submit a Craigslist ad, write out a counterfeit check, and watch the babes jiggle in! Oh, there is a photo of Warnock at the link. Suffice to say, this guy definitely pays for sex.

Even Deer Hate Rappers

A Canadian rapper – if there even is such a thing – was injured after being run over by a deer. Apparently the animal didn’t appreciate the artists’ dope rhymes.

Cary McCook, who is from the Kwadacha First Nation and part of a hip-hop group called Reka-NatioN, was in Smithers to take an environmental training course when he got out of a coworker’s truck near the Stork’s Inn. He had only taken a few steps when a deer galloped right into him.

“I still can’t believe I got hit by a deer,” said McCook. “I heard three gallops and I turned to my left and before I could make out what it was, I see a deer coming towards me and it hits me and I’m on the ground.”

Rapper on the ground, rapper on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with yo rapper on the ground!

You can see the video at the link.

Under The Sea, Under The Sea…

Meet Joanna; Fresno, California’s very own Little Mermaid.

Joanna was found wandering the streets half-naked and wet. (That’s hot.) She apparently told police she is a mermaid, but remembers little else.

A ‘mostly naked’ woman with webbed feet who was found walking in a street in California has claimed she is a mermaid.

Fresno Police are seeking help in identifying the woman who was also found with wet hair and wearing just a sports bra. According to authorities she said her name was Joanna and answers ‘I don’t know’ to most questions.

Fresno Police Lt. Mark Hudson said: ‘She was wet, she said she had been in the lake, said she needed help and needed to be taken to the hospital.’ (H/T – Loki)

Now I’m no detective – heh – but there’s an easy way to tell if Joanna is a mermaid; simply weight her down and throw her into the Pacific. If she’s still alive after a few days, you got yourself a mermaid.

Oh, not gonna lie; if she waxes the mustache I’d hit gladly her with wave after wave of hot lovin’.

A Corpse Is A Corpse, Of Course, Of Course

Necessity is the mother of invention, and that was rarely more true than in the late 1800’s. Thankfully, some enterprising Americans stepped up to the challenge of preventing thefts… of corpses.

Keeping the dead buried was a matter of grave concern in 19th-century America. As medical schools proliferated after the Civil War, the field grew increasingly tied to the study of anatomy and practice of dissection. Professors needed bodies for young doctors to carve into and the pool of legally available corpses—executed criminals and body donors—was miniscule. Enter freelance body snatchers, dispatched to do the digging.

Capitalizing on the public’s funereal anxiety, inventors got to work. Their solution? Explosives.

Philip. K Clover, a Columbus, Ohio artist, patented an early coffin torpedo in 1878. Clover’s instrument functioned like a small shotgun secured inside the coffin lid in order to “prevent the unauthorized resurrection of dead bodies,” as the inventor put it. If someone tried to remove a buried body, the torpedo would fire out a lethal blast of lead balls when the lid was pried open. (H/TAOSHQ)

I’m going a different route. When someone breaks into my coffin – and believe me, it’s going happen – I want my coffin rigged with an endless supply of coconut cream pies. Bam, right in the kisser!

Subway: Ride Fresh

The Mexico City subway authority has erected a new device to raise awareness about sexual harassment.

In an intentionally provocative effort to raise awareness of rampant sexual harassment on Mexico City subways, the city has installed a “penis seat” on one of its busiest trains.

The seat, which as the name suggests features a representation of a male torso on the back and a flaccid penis on the seat itself, has gotten quite a rise out of some of the unsuspecting men who have sat down on it. The PSA shows men jumping up in surprise or squirming uncomfortably after sitting down on the seat.

Besides the “Exclusive for Men” sign, there is also an explanation at the foot of the seat that states: “It is annoying to travel this way, but not compared to the sexual violence women suffer in their daily commutes.”

In an amusing twist of irony, the subway penis seat was created by Jared Fogle in an effort to raise something else.

Oh Darwin, You So Crazy

The self-absorbed millennial generation lost two of its members this week, after two teenage girls were killed in a plane crash. Well, not your average plane crash, anyway.

Two teenage girls were killed in a freak accident as a plane struck their heads while they took selfies near an airstrip.

Nitzia Mendoza Corral, 18, and Clarissa Morquecho Miranda, 17, were recording a video selfie when the freak accident occurred. The video, taken in the north-central Mexican state of Chihuahua, showed a light aircraft coming into land.

Tragically, the girls failed to see the plane coming in time, before its wing struck them both in the head, causing immediate fatal injuries.

The girls obviously didn’t realize the white zone is for loading and unloading only.

Sharky’s Machine

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the road

A massive shark was discovered in the middle of a road as floodwaters receded following a devastating cyclone that battered Australia.

Emergency workers were left stunned when they found the dead bull shark in a puddle as they carried out inspections following Cyclone Debbie.

Queensland Fire and Emergency Services warned people to stay out of murky floodwaters because sharks or other dangers could be lurking underneath.

The huge predator was found on a road in Ayr, in north Queensland, after torrential rain and fierce winds resulting in heavy flooding.

I’d cast out a witty remark to lure in readers, but nothing I write could be better than @RitaPanahi’s simple brilliance: “Sharknado is real.”

Continue reading “Sharky’s Machine”

They Really Earn Their Sheepskin

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hold on to your hats; someone finally found a worthwhile reason to go to college!

Economists Scott Cunningham and Todd Kendall conducted an extensive survey of female sex workers in 2009. They asked detailed demographic questions as well as gathered details about the women’s clients, work patterns, and pay.

They estimate that college-educated sex workers are less likely to work than their less-educated counterparts in any given week. But when they do work, they earn about 12% to 13% more. College educated sex-workers see more clients and book longer sessions. They charge slightly less on an hourly basis, but the volume and nature of their services means they end up earning more.

There were more than enough fabulous babes at SJU who could have made tons of money – primarily from me – but these newfangled, millennial libtards couldn’t make enough for a cup of coffee.

Ohio Finally Outlaws Horseplay

Ohio has finally banned bestiality, and it only took two hundred and fourteen years.

It’s now officially illegal in Ohio for people to have sex with animals. The state did not have anti-bestiality laws until the change took effect last week, making sexual conduct or related acts with animals punishable by jail time and fines.

The measure gained enough votes to pass in December when it was rolled into a bill that bars local jurisdictions from raising the minimum wage or regulating pet stores.

So wait a minute, it only passed because they tacked on a minimum wage rider? Jesus Christ, Ohio, be more backwards!