A Little Dab’ll Do Ya

I was doing my level best to ignore this ridiculous story, but after no less than five people sent me the link, I caved. Remember the idiot who sued McDonald’s because the coffee was too hot? Well, that person has been usurped from the Most Frivolous Lawsuit Ever title. Meet Tessica Brown of Louisiana.

A Louisiana woman who went viral after struggling to remove Gorilla Glue from her hair claims that neither the hospital nor the company’s advice helped remove the hardened adhesive.

Now she’s considering a lawsuit to get out of the sticky situation.

So if I’m understanding the idiocy here, this dolt decided to put Gorilla Glue into her own hair, despite the fact anyone with an IQ higher than thirty knows that is the last thing you want to put on your body. Brown now believes she should be able to sue Gorilla Glue and the hospital for something she did voluntarily? Good luck with that, sister.

Tessica Brown hired an attorney and is weighing litigation against Gorilla Glue, because while the product’s label warns against using on eyes, skin or clothing, it does not mention hair, the outlet reports.

So it doesn’t specifically mention hair, because what kind of simpleton would apply it to their hair? It does say skin, however, so I’m fairly certain even the dumbest jury would find for the defendants here.

Ground Control To Starship SN9

On Tuesday, the unmanned SpaceX Starship SN9 was attempting to land back on Earth when things went… awry.

SpaceX Starship SN9 exploded yesterday while attempting to land and Cosmic Perspective captured the whole thing in slow motion.

High-speed cameras were rolling during the SpaceX Starship SN9 test flight in South Texas. For this mission we positioned a camera focusing exclusively on the landing pad to capture all the action during the last few moment of decent. The rest was history.

This is truly incredible footage.

The video is below the fold, if you’re interested. And the Starship was unmanned.

China Screech

A Chinese man and his girlfriend were almost killed when the man bit into an iPhone battery.

This is a video of a phone battery exploding after a man in China bit into it. If you’re looking for a reason why he did it, none was given beyond, “He likes to put things in his mouth.” Seriously.

“I’m the person involved,” she wrote. “…I haven’t been disfigured; thanks for your concern. He didn’t [bite the battery] because he wanted to test its authenticity; actually my partner just has the habit of putting things into his mouth and nibbling on them. I’m okay, just my bangs were burnt a little bit. My first reaction was ‘Are my eyebrows okay?'”

She added that the battery her partner had bitten into wasn’t a genuine iPhone battery.

Wait, so you’re telling me China manufactures products which aren’t on the up-and-up? I am shocked and appalled!

You can see the bizarre video below the fold…

Hello, Young-ish Lovers

Meet Kandice Barber of Wendover, England.

Kandice is a teacher in Wendover, where she loves her job and she really loves her students. Quite literally, as luck would have it, especially if the student is two decades younger.

A married teacher faces up to five years in jail after being found guilty of having sex with a 15-year-old pupil she spotted at a school sports day and added on Snapchat to send flirty texts – as her husband held her hand and called the verdict a ‘joke’.

Kandice Barber, 35, was found to have taken the underage boy to a field, kissed him on the neck next to a bale of hay and whispered, ‘What do you want to do now?’ before having full intercourse with him.

The boy claimed he couldn’t keep up with Barber’s sexual demands. A fifteen-year old couldn’t keep up with her? Wow, she must be amazeballs in bed.

The mother-of-three’s lawyer had claimed she was too short at just 5ft tall to have sex with the boy standing up as the teacher lied that her packed calendar meant she was ‘too busy’ to have slept with him.

She was too short to have sex with the kid while standing up? THAT’S YOUR DEFENSE???

She had bombarded him with messages including one where she asked him ‘Do you like boobs or bum?’, and sent him a photo of herself on a bed surrounded by sex toys.

Boobs. BOOBS! Oh, she wasn’t asking me, was she?

But Barber – who has now been bailed prior to sentencing – was found out after a topless pictures she had sent her victim was circulated around so much it ended up being passed to the head teacher of their school.

The kid was fifteen. No boy that age has the self-control to keep naked photos of a beautiful woman to himself. Why teachers – allegedly the most important people in the world now – cannot fathom this is truly beyond me.

Silly Bint Has Mordew In Her Skull

Meet Sheridan Mordew, a British “fitness influencer” – whatever that hell that’s supposed to mean – who fled Britain for the sunny shores of Dubai… while Britain was on its third lockdown.

THIS Morning fans have been left fuming after fitness influencer Sheridan Mordew appeared on the show to insist that her Dubai holiday was an “essential work trip” – and necessary for her “mental health”.

Hosts Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby appeared to be equally unimpressed with Sheridan’s claims – with Holly quick to point out that the rules on travel have always been clear, and have nothing to do with mental wellbeing.

In fairness, beautiful women with amazing breasts live under different rules. /eyeroll

Changing her tune, Sheridan – who has 11,500 followers on her personal Instagram and 12,600 on her work-related one – insisted: “The main reason was my own self, my mental health kind of thing.

You know who has problems with their well-being during the Chinese Wuhan Virus pandemic? Every person on planet Earth. Alcoholism is up, drug abuse is up, and suicides are up, all because people have been locked inside their homes for almost a year. Who the f**k are you to sneak away to Dubai while everyone else is locked down? Stupid bint has a great body but a tiny, deformed brain.

I mean, I’d still hit it so hard that if you pulled it out you’d move seven years forward in time.

Something Creepy This Way Comes

Since most of you are lucky enough to not live in New Jersey – or Pennsylvania, for that matter – I figured I would show you what you’ve been missing. For example, Calico, the creepy clown mascot for the Middletown, NJ Food Circus just turned 65 years old.

The Garden State’s Middletown Township is not much like Stephen King’s sleepy, fictional town of Derry, Maine. But nevertheless, an evil clown lives there. And he just turned 65.

Since January 18, 1956, when the former Food Circus grocery store opened, an 18-foot tall, steel clown with a devious grin has loomed over Route 35. For decades, he’s stared at commuters and visitors alike, a comparably creepy Tillie for northern Monmouth County.

“Can’t sleep. Clown will eat me.”

Calico, clad in blue and cream checkers and a red bowtie, soon became the store’s mascot and a weird icon of Middletown, with different versions of the character popping up throughout the grocery store. When Calico was first installed, he rotated 360 degrees, casting his gaze on everyone in all directions.

Eventually, Calico was anchored sometime in the ’70s after high winds would cause the clown to spin wildly around and around, likely making him all the more menacing.

In all honesty, they should have let the clown spin in the wind. It would give people a reason to actually visit Middletown.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Exploded

Deranged Hollywood “actress” Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently selling candles which smell like her vagina. Why anyone would purchase a candle which smells like the East River is beyond me, but I digress. One London woman purchased the meat-flap candle, and it subverted her expectations.

A VAGINA-scented candle by Gwyneth Paltrow exploded into flames causing an “inferno” in a woman’s living room. Jody Thompson, 50, won the risque product sold by the Hollywood star and wellness guru in an online quiz.

The candle is described on Gwyneth’s Goop site as “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected”.

You know what else was unexpected? The raging fire coming from Gwyneth’s vagina, er, candle.

But Jody was taken by ­surprise after lighting it when a 50cm flame leapt from the candle and out of the glass jar. The media consultant told The Sun: “The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.

Not for nothing, but if you purchase a vagina candle, you really should expect it to occasionally have a hot flash or an gushing orgasm.

Brooklyn’s Getting A Little… Anxious

The residents of a Brooklyn Sex House – how it that a thing? – are starting to lose their minds from the lack of sex, thanks to the Chinese Wuhan Virus restrictions. Congratulations kids, this is what marriage feels like. /zing

After 10 months of social distancing, the residents of Brooklyn’s communal “sex houses” are frustrated, to say the least.

“I’d give my left testicle to go to an orgy,” said Kenneth Play, co-founder of Hacienda Villa. Play is one of more than 30 residents, ranging from ages 20-45, who live in the three Bushwick houses (the Lodge, Villa and Tower) operated by the Hacienda sex club.

I wonder if it’s called than because of all the Puerto Ricans? I denounce myself.

Along with the residents, the club has more than 700 members. Before the pandemic, the roommates hosted bacchanals at the Villa once or twice a month. Hundreds of Hacienda members would flirt, soak nude in the backyard hot tub or descend to the mood-lit basement to get it on.

In 2019, the club hosted 19 “play parties” — orgies — as well as 45 other events. In 2020, there were only five before the pandemic.

With all due respect to Brooklyn, I imagine this entire house walks around nude, and the guys constantly shout, “Hey, I’m yanking here!”

“Sexual isolation was difficult to grapple with,” said Violet, a resident and party planner who, like others, asked to withhold her last name.

Actually, I have no problem grappling my… well, I’ve said too much.

Smitten With Kittens

An Islamic televangelist – wait, those actually exist? – has been sentenced to over one thousand years in jail for kidnapping, sexual assault, and being dead sexy.

A hardline Islamic cult leader who is constantly surrounded by a retinue of busty glamour girls has been sentenced to 1,075 years in jail after a long and controversial trial.

That’s not the only thing that’s long and controversial. Hey-o!

Adnan Oktar, who also goes by the names Adnan Hoca and Harun Yahya, was arrested on charges of kidnapping, sexual abuse and fraud in July 2018, along with some 160 of his cult members.

Oktar owns a TV station in his native Turkey, and regularly broadcasts warnings that the End of the World is coming soon, from a brightly coloured television studio filled with attractive models wearing exotic makeup, wigs and bondage-style Versace dresses.

He calls his team of glamorous assistants his “harem” or his “kittens”.

Harem is so passé; just call them bitches and/or hos. I mean, it’s not that hard. (That’s what she said.)

Hyundai Is Burning Up The Road

While I have never owned a Hyundai vehicle, I have always heard good things. Apparently the warranty is excellent and the people I know who own a Hyundai are very happy with them. Until they catch fire.

Hyundai is adding about 471,000 SUVs to a September U.S. recall for an electrical short in a computer that could cause fires. And the company is warning owners to park the SUVs outdoors until they are repaired.

Wait a minute, I thought South Korea was our friends?

The latest recall covers certain model-year 2016 through 2018, and additional 2020 through 2021, Hyundai Tucson SUVs. The vehicles have antilock brake system computers that can malfunction internally and cause an electrical short. That can lead to a fire.

Hyundai said Friday that the recall comes as part of a continuing investigation into the problem. The company said it’s aware of a dozen fires but no injuries related to the recalled vehicles.

Okay, let’s begin:

With Hyundai’s low prices, you better get them while they’re hot!

No need to add flames to the hood; they come with the package.

The ten-year warranty ensures you won’t get burned.