Wyatt Bueller’s Day Off

Like Ferris Bueller, I am taking the day off. My cellulitis came back in the worst way yesterday, and while I was able to drag my feverish, delirious butt to work, I was of little use to anyone. My fever spiked at 101, and everything hurts, so I plan on lying in bed most of the day, praying for a quick death.

Tomorrow will be our usual Monday, and I’ll post the caption contest winners then. Sorry for the interruption, but I literally feel like hammered crap.

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Sunday Services

Today’s services revolve around the sploosh-worthy Swedish actress Malin Akerman. Malin is in the news this week because, sadly, she is getting married to some fruity British actor.

Malin Maria Åkerman (born May 12, 1978) is a Swedish actress, model and singer. In the early 2000s, she had many television and film parts, including The Utopian Society (2003) and Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004). Following a supporting role on the comedy series The Comeback (2005), Åkerman gained starring roles in the feature films The Heartbreak Kid (2007) and 27 Dresses (2008).

Åkerman played Silk Spectre II in the 2009 superhero film Watchmen, a role for which she was nominated for a Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress.

Yeah, Malin was incredibly yummy in Watchmen.

There are more photos below the fold…

Continue reading “Sunday Services”

Welcome To Fantasy Island!

An island resort in Colombia is offering the vacation of a lifetime, including alcohol, drugs, and a gaggle of primo hoors. In other words, you can live like me for a weekend.

A firm offering X-rated holidays has brazenly advertised packages featuring orgies with prostitutes on a ‘drug friendly’ Colombian island. Two videos advertising the resort show men arriving for unlimited sex, drugs and alcohol.

One erotic video promoting the trips – described as a ‘sex island experience’ – shows a man arriving at a villa, where he is greeted by scantily clad girls. Another shows a balding man walking into his room to discover four naked women lying face down on his bed.

It also shows dozens of bikini-clad models gyrating on a boat, while a caption on the screen boasts: ‘Unlimited sex included’.

On the second day of the four-day sex fest clients will have half an hour with 16 women at once – and organisers say customers will be able to find their ‘true self’.

Sixteen hoors at once? Yeah, I’ll find my true self just in time to die from exhaustion.

James And The Giant Screech

Jimmy Kimmel, unfortunately, still has a late-night “variety show,” but that assignment is being put on the back burner thanks to Jimmy’s real job – social justice warmongering. The good news is no one cares about his insipid political posturing. The bad news is, like most of Hollywood, Jimmy is a hypocrite.

After he spoke out so forcefully on both health care and gun control over the past month, many late-night viewers might have expected Jimmy Kimmel do the same about the sexual harassment and assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein….

“First of all, the Harvey Weinstein thing, people like this false equivalence of that’s somehow equivalent to what happened in Las Vegas,” Kimmel added, arguing that the alleged assault of dozens of women does not deserve the same reaction as the killing of nearly 60 people. He said that Weinstein is “not a friend of mine,” adding, “I’m not in the movie business.” As a once and future Oscar host who is friends with many of the movie stars in Weinstein’s orbit, that claim is a hard one to buy.

“They’re saying that I’m calling myself the moral conscience of America, which I most certainly never did and most certainly never would.” (H/TAOSHQ)

No, the media and your leftist buddies called you that, and you reveled in the spotlight. Now one of your own is being investigated for sexual assault, and suddenly you have writer’s block? Interesting.

(Sorry about the sub-par posts lately, but the past few days have been riddled with exhaustion, work stress, and potential medical issues. I should be back to my former sarcastic self soon.)

Ford Will Not Focus

Meet Bossier Parish (LA) Sheriff Julian Whittington.

Sheriff Whittington brought a smile to my face today when he announced his department would no longer purchase police cruisers from Ford, due to Ford’s support of the NFL and their ridiculous “take a knee” policy.

Bossier Parish Sheriff Julian Whittington said his office will no longer purchase Ford products after the automaker expressed support for National Football League players’ right to kneel in protest during the national anthem.

In a letter to Hixson Ford of Alexandria on Wednesday, Whittington said “recent events surrounding the NFL, its players and their audacity to thumb their collective noses at the American flag, the American military, as well as their obvious disdain for the profession of law enforcement in general, forces me to take a stand.”

“Yes, the NFL players have a right to protest as they deem necessary, but we, the Bossier Sheriff’s Office and taxpayers of Bossier Parish, have a right to spend our money elsewhere,” he said. “I realize that Ford Motor Co. has made this decision and may not necessarily be supported by your company, but you are our dealer.”

According to information provided by BPSO, in 2016 and 2017 the sheriff’s office purchased 29 vehicles from Hixson Autoplex, spending $747,132.

Excellent! The only way the NFL will stop this kneeling nonsense is if their sponsors begin to take a hit. Sheriff Whittington’s announcement is a nice first step, and hopefully, others will follow his lead.

If This Potty’s A-Rockin’…

A Tennessee couple – hmm, I figured it would be Florida – were arrested after having sex in a bathroom, then boinking in a less sanitary bathroom.

According to arrest warrants, the Clarksville Police Department was called to O’Connor’s Irish Pub on Tylertown Road at about 1:19 a.m. Saturday.

A security officer told police a man was in the women’s bathroom, and then unlocked the door for them. While one officer escorted the 26-year-old Clarksville man out of the bathroom, a female officer told the “completely naked” 28-year-old woman to get dressed.

The man was escorted out of the building and told to find a ride home because of his intoxication level. A few minutes later, the woman, who smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes, was escorted out and told to get a cab.

“Instead, they both entered the nearby Porta-Potty,” according to warrants. “Officers banged on the door several times before they opened it. Both subjects’ clothing was again disheveled. It was clear they were attempting to fornicate.”

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was the responding officer, I would have gently nudged the porta-potty with my cruiser, laughed as it flipped on its side, and sped away. Of course, I’m kind of an a-hole.

Cancer, Your Time Is Running Out

Scientists have unearthed a protein which has the potential to kill cancer cells. Testing is still in the early stages, but the compound appears to work against leukemia.

As someone who has lost friends to cancer, this is welcome news indeed.

Scientists at Albert Einstein College of Medicine have discovered the first compound that directly makes cancer cells commit suicide while sparing healthy cells. The new treatment approach, described in today’s issue of Cancer Cell, was directed against acute myeloid leukemia (AML) cells but may also have potential for attacking other types of cancers.

AML accounts for nearly one-third of all new leukemia cases and kills more than 10,000 Americans each year. The survival rate for patients has remained at about 30 percent for several decades, so better treatments are urgently needed.

The newly discovered compound combats cancer by triggering apoptosis — an important process that rids the body of unwanted or malfunctioning cells. Apoptosis trims excess tissue during embryonic development, and some chemotherapy drugs indirectly induce apoptosis by damaging DNA in cancer cells.

In my opinion, there is no more despicable disease than cancer, so its eradication would make the world a better place. Remember this story the next time some leftist screams about “Big Pharma.”

Insane In The McCain, Insane In The Brain

Members of Congress regularly have their medications delivered to Capitol Hill by a local apothecary, and the pharmacist claims some of the meds taken by “our betters” would shock you.

Nearly every day for at least two decades pharmaceutical drugs have been brought by the carload to the Capitol — an arrangement so under the radar even pharmacy lobbyists who regularly pitch Congress on their industry aren’t aware of it.

Mike Kim, the reserved pharmacist-turned-owner of Grubb’s Pharmacy, said he has gotten used to knowing the most sensitive details about some of the most famous people in Washington.

“At first it’s cool, and then you realize, I’m filling some drugs that are for some pretty serious health problems as well. And these are the people that are running the country,” Kim said, listing treatments for conditions like diabetes and Alzheimer’s.

“It makes you kind of sit back and say, ‘Wow, they’re making the highest laws of the land and they might not even remember what happened yesterday.’”

Well the diabetes meds are obviously for G.K. Butterfield and Blake Farenthold. They couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse. I’m fairly certain John McCain and Nancy Pelosi are sucking down Alzheimer’s pills like they’re Coca Cola, and if not, they should be.

The pharmacist makes a valid point, however; why the hell are people allowing congresscritters to serve while they are being treated for Alzheimer’s?

He Has Plenty Of Time To Kneel Now

My oldest son Kyle has never expressed much interest in atending college. He’s going through the motions, taking his PSATs, etc., but he would be perfectly fine going to a trade school.

If Kyle does decide to go to college, I will gladly send him to Albright.

A football player at Division III Albright College in Reading has been dismissed from the team after taking a knee during the National Anthem on Saturday.

One player, 19-year-old Gyree Durante, went down on one knee during the National Anthem. According to school officials, the freshman quarterback didn’t tell anyone his plan to kneel.

In a statement, the school says Durante was dismissed for his decision to not support team unity.

This may be the best story I have read all year. Great job, Albright! And Gyree, if that is your real name, feel free to kneel during your shift at the local McDonald’s. Douche.

Speaking of douches, cheerleaders from a Georgia college took a knee during a game. Cheerleaders? No one goes to a football game for the cheerleaders, you stupid bints. Just stand, jump up and down, and shut your dicktraps.