True Detective Stories

Lost in the homicides, robberies, and domestic assaults in my division is a skyrocketing new crime with a surprising weapon of choice.

On Monday we were notified of a stabbing in one of our districts where the male victim was stabbed in the chest. Yesterday we received a call for another male stabbed in the head and neck. Both victims will recover, but the crimes were committed by two different people with the same weapon…

A crack pipe.

Apparently the people in my division are losing their damned minds, and ignoring traditional weapons like knives, baseball bats and sporks. Instead, crackheads are choosing the cold, sleek feel of their prized glass pipes. One would think attacking each other with crack pipes would go against their interests. I mean, at six dollars a pop, those things aren’t cheap!

Texas Teacher Wears Nothing But A Smile

Meet Sarah Fowlkes.

Sarah is a teacher who is dedicated to her students’ educational and developmental needs. In fact, Sarah goes above and beyond when instructing young men on the finer points of biology… by banging knowledge into them.

A married science teacher grinned from ear to ear as she posed for a mugshot after being arrested on suspicion of having a sexual relationship with a student.

Sarah Fowlkes, 27, has been suspended from Lockhart High School in Texas and could go to prison over the alleged crime. Fowlkes, who has worked as a biology teacher at the school since October 2014, was booked into Caldwell County Jail.

Detectives in Lockhart, which is about 30 miles from Austin, interviewed a 17-year-old student who admitted to having sexual contact with Fowlkes.

What the f**k is wrong with teachers today? This broad is not only morally bankrupt, but she obviously has no remorse. I mean really, who smiles for a mugshot photo?

I mean, I’d bang her like a screen door in a hurricane, but I would feel really badly about it later.

The Bitch Is Back!

What, you thought Hillary Clinton would just slink away into a vat of chocolate chip cookie dough?

Hillary Clinton said she was “ready to come out of the woods” during a St. Patrick’s Day speech on Friday night in Pennsylvania in front of an overflow crowd — an indication that she plans to shed the low profile she has kept since the election.

Mrs. Clinton, the presidential candidate and a former secretary of state, made the comments at the end of a talk she gave at a yearly St. Patrick’s Day celebration held by a women’s group in Scranton — in the northeast corner of a battleground state that made for one of her most surprising electoral losses in November.

“I’m like a lot of my friends right now. I have a hard time watching the news, I’ll confess,” she said, according to a video of the event. “I am ready to come out of the woods and to help shine a light on what is already happening around kitchen tables, at dinners like this.”

Yes, because if there is one thing America needs right now, it’s an unlikable, corrupt, twice-failed presidential candidate lecturing us on how we’re all so awful. Go away, Hillary; and take your dog-faced daughter with you.

I Love Your Spunk

The Minneapolis Health Department went balls deep into an investigation of nudie bars, and the findings will make your face turn white.

A Minneapolis Health Department sweep of licensed adult entertainment establishments confirmed the presence of bodily fluids at about a dozen downtown venues, raising health and safety concerns and prompting department officials to push for updated enforcement measures.

Samples that produced positive results were taken at 11 establishments, from surfaces including chairs, couches, floors, walls and bedspreads, health department inspection data show.

Pfft, bunch of pikers. When I go to the nudie bar, I leave my bodily fluids on the ceiling.

Caption Contest Winners

The Smashy Smashy! Caption Contest has now concluded. Sorry for the mix-up with the caption photos. I need better choices for these things.

Top Three Entries:
3. Just like a border jumper demanding to be rewarded for breaking into our country, these guys are putting the “If I break into a bank, they have to give me a sack of money to me” theory to test. – TXNick
2. I see Barack’s back on vacation & playing golf in Rio. – MelP

WINNER! – A picture of Russia hacking a Brazilian bank. – Toothy

Unretired

So remember that post back in December when I explained I was re-retired from coaching? Well… scratch that.

I received a call last week from Kyle’s new lacrosse coach asking if I was able to help out. I wasn’t really keen on the idea at first, because of the way the high school treats lacrosse as a whole – spoiler alert: like crap – but after talking to the coach, I decided to climb aboard.

Today will be my first day back to the school, and hopefully last week’s snow will be gone from the field. Ironically, Kyle won’t be there today, because he is home sick with a nasty stomach virus that has hit everyone in the family – save for me.

So wish me luck – again. Let’s see how long this tenure lasts.

The Grate White North

Despite Prime Minister Hipster’s warm embrace of immigrants and “refugees,” nearly half of all Canadian citizens believe illegal immigrants should be deported. Gee Canada, when did you become so racist?

Nearly half of Canadians want to deport people who are illegally crossing into Canada from the United States, and a similar number disapprove of how Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is handling the influx, according to a Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll released on Monday.

A significant minority, four out of 10 respondents, said the border crossers could make Canada “less safe,” underlining the potential political risk for Trudeau’s Liberal government.

The increasing flow of asylum-seekers of African and Middle Eastern origin from the United States in recent months has become a contentious issue in Canada.

Unlike leftist politicians, most people see what has happened to Germany, Sweden, and France and they’re scared witless. They should be. The European Muslim invasion has changed those countries forever, and the same can easily happen here.

The Chicago Way

Dozens of borderline alcoholics trailed a delivery truck which was dropping cases of beer during its deliveries. Apparently the driver is a regular Peed Piper.

Citizens of a town in Illinois were treated to a free drink after cases of beer fell off a delivery truck.

Multiple cases of Bud Light beer fell from the back of a Budweiser delivery truck on Thursday morning as it traveled through an intersection in Joliet at 11 a.m.

Passersby gathered in the area to collect the unbroken bottles as they continued to drop from the truck. (H/TAOSHQ)

I was jealous of these bastards until I realized they were grabbing up bottles of Bud Light. Oh well, I guess free beer can still be categorized as delicious beer.

Sunday Services

This week’s sermon focuses upon Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. Lima made news this week when it was revealed she is dating New York Mets pitcher Matt Harvey. Really, a baseball player? What, you couldn’t find any real athletes?

Sometimes a couple just makes sense, like Matt Harvey and Adriana Lima, for example. The bad boy pitcher for the New York Mets and the Victoria’s Secret supermodel enjoyed a romantic dinner Wednesday night at the River Yacht Club in Miami. They arrived by yacht (of course) before settling on a cozy banquette where they snacked on oysters, the ceviche of the day, and branzino while sipping margaritas and champagne. The main attraction, however, was each other.

I am not a baseball fan – obviously – but for some reason, the babes flock to MLB stars. Just ask Kate Upton. *weeps openly*

There are more photos below the fold…

Continue reading “Sunday Services”

In The Line Of Liar

A Pittsburgh man who picks up dog poop for a living has been arrested after posing as a Secret Service agent. In fairness, both professions have to deal with a lot of shite.

A man whose company scoops up pet poop has been placed on probation for two years and fined $500 for buying fake Secret Service identification cards and badges online to impress women on a dating site.

Pfft, I’ve been posing as a police officer here for years, and it hasn’t landed me even one piece of ass.

Christopher Diiorio, 54, of Greensburg, was sentenced Monday by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. He had pleaded guilty in November to fraudulently using an official seal, but acknowledged behavior in two other counts dismissed Monday: flashing an ID card during a traffic stop and trying to use a Secret Service badge to get a government rate for a hotel room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… we can get a government rate for hotels? Why was I not informed?

“Your honor, I’m not a bad man, I’m a dumb man,” Diiorio told U.S. District Judge Nora Barry Fischer. “What I did was truly stupid and I’m very sorry for that.”

As part of his probation, Diiorio must pick up after drunken agents who poop themselves, or take a dump in public. You’d be surprised how often that happens.