Sunday Services

Since this is the next-to-last edition of Sunday Services, I thought I’d put up a montage that would – hopefully – satisfy all the womenfolk. In case you missed last week’s post, I am ending Sunday Services next week. It’s been four years, over 200 posts, and it was becoming work, instead of fun.

It may come back after I take a break, and I’ll throw photos in posts occasionally. So with that, enjoy the show.

Ryan Reynolds (above) comes off as a very down-to-earth kind of guy. I mean, it’s possible he’s a scumbag, but almost every piece of press about him is glowing. Dressing up as Deadpool for sick kids, giving to charities, etc.

There are more goodies below the fold…

Continue reading “Sunday Services”

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New Jersey Sucks

I often make fun of Florida and Ohio for their mind-blowingly stupid citizens – many, not all, obviously – but of all the states I’ve visited in my life, there is none worse than New Jersey. Hands freakin’ down.

An Ocean County man convicted on an obscenity charge for watching porn videos on his iPad while sitting in his car outside a fast-food restaurant during the dinner rush has lost a legal battle to overturn his conviction.

David J. Lomanto, 53, of Little Egg Harbor Township, was arrested on April 22, 2014, by township police and held on $20,000 bail after a woman parked next to him saw him watching porn on his tablet with his windows lowered.

The woman, whose 12-year-old son had gone into the restaurant for food, said she could see Lomanto’s iPad resting against the steering wheel and saw there was “porn going on the video.” Specifically, the woman saw images of a man and woman having sex and “heard moaning on the video.”

I’ve driven through Little Egg Harbor Township many, many times. It’s a sleepy shore town which apparently has more than its fair share of Gladys Kravitz types. Personally, I don’t understand why this woman made such a big deal about this. Turn your key, park a few spots away, and mind your own f**king business.

If the guy was “yankin’ his doodle, it’s a dandy,” then by all means, call the po-po. But getting the police involved for someone watching pr0n in his own car is a scumbag move.

Putting The Psycho In Psychotherapist

A Minnesota psychotherapist was arrested after having sex with one of her patients for months while she was “treating” him. The man had been classified as a “vulnerable adult” by the Minnesota Department of Human Services.

A psychotherapist charged a vulnerable patient $200 an hour for therapy – then made him have sexual intercourse with her.

Johanna Lee Lamm, 43, reportedly spent between around eight months months taking advantage of the man after he visited her clinic in Minnetonka, Minnesota.

Lamm’s alleged abuse was uncovered in August, after she called police to say the unnamed man had sexually assaulted her.

Right there is the justification for putting this bitch in jail for the rest of her miserable life.

The shrink told gave cops her phone, and claimed the man would say they were having a consensual affair. Police officers subsequently spoke to the man, who said he and Lamm been having a sexual relationship over several months.

He also handed over his phone, which contained text messages and audio recordings which are said to back up his claims.

I can’t say all therapists are complete hacks – my psychiatrist was wonderful in getting me out of depression – but it seems like many of there “professionals” do their patients more harm than good.

*And yes, I would bang it like a screen door in a hurricane.

Name Your Bryce

This story is from Wednesday morning, but it made me so happy, I wanted to post about it here. Bryce Harper, the overpaid, overrated baseball star, left the Washington Nationals and signed with the Philadelphia Phillies during the offseason. Harper had a mediocre year, while his former team, uh, didn’t.

The Washington Nationals and Bryce Harper both celebrating on Wednesday. For Harper, it’s his 27th birthday and for the Nats, they relished in the moment of clinching their first-ever trip to the World Series.

This past offseason, Harper sent shockwaves through the league when he left the Nationals and signed a $330 million contract with division-foe Philadelphia Phillies.

After the Nationals’ pennant-clinching win Tuesday night, many wasted no time taking to social media to troll Harper and even brought up the superstar’s blunder during his introductory press conference with the Phillies in March when he said he couldn’t wait to “bring a title back to D.C.”

Phillies fans are about as despicable as Eagles fans, so my smile is from ear to ear.

Now, most of you know I’m an Orioles and Yankees fan, so if New York goes to the series, I’m obviously cheering for them. That said, I think the Nationals fans’ trolling of this epic douchebag is beautiful, and it’s made even more delicious on Harper’s birthday!


(H/T@Biggg_Johnson)

She’s Not A Fan

Mrs. Earp was substitute teaching at Princess P’s school Tuesday, and as she was walking down the hall, she saw a row of Eagles papers colored by the students. After looking for a moment, she found Julia’s, which can be seen at the left.

(It’s also at the bottom of this post, and if you click it, the photo will enlarge.)

Any hoo, Julia is not just a princess because she’s so darn cute, but also because she supports her father in his Eagles hatred. Instead of joining the mob and writing pro-Eagles slogans, Princess P wrote the following:

“Nah, I like the Beagles and the Puppy Bowl… And hockey… but whatever.”

She finished her ensemble by drawing the New Jersey Devils logo on her shirt. I’ve never been more proud of her!

Continue reading “She’s Not A Fan”

True Detective Stories

While I hate my job a little bit more each day, I am a fairly model employee. I do more work than most people in my squad, solely because my workload is larger. That’s not a brag; it’s a comparison to the toad I dealt with Tuesday morning.

This toad has been polluting this profession for 29 years, most of which were in the slowest district in the city. (For the record this is not the same jackass from yesterday’s episode of TDS.) Their radio calls are about 20% less than those of other districts, and their example of a “big job,” is a residential burglary.

Toad calls and tells me he came across a vehicle he believes was involved in a shooting the night before. (His district doesn’t see shootings, but the shooters probably dumped the car in Disneyland.) Toad wants to know if the vehicle is to be held for prints.

Now, anyone with even five years on the job would know you obviously hold a car involved in a shooting, but I figured I would walk this infant through the process step-by-step. Toad did not make it easy…

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Lie-awatha Deletes Tweet About Ancestry

Presidential candidate, cultural appropriator, and pathological liar Elizabeth Warren has deleted a year-old tweet which claimed she was 1/2024th Native American.

Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren deleted a year-old tweet bragging about her Native American DNA.

“My family (including Fox News-watchers) sat together and talked about what they think of [President Donald Trump’s] attacks on our heritage,” Warren tweeted at the time. “And yes, a famous geneticist analyzed my DNA and concluded that it contains Native American ancestry.”

I love how in Warren’s cloud cuckoo mind, this is all Trump’s fault. The woman is deranged.

Warren’s DNA test and subsequent tweet was widely mocked after it revealed that her DNA included between 1/64th and 1/1024th Native American ancestry. Warren later apologized for using claims of Native American ancestry throughout her career in academia, and scrubbed her website of the DNA test results.

However, the tweet bragging about the test remained up until Wednesday morning, the day after its one year anniversary.

I’m sure this has nothing to do with Warren’s ascendance to Democratic presidential front-runner. Nope, just a co-inky-dink.

Remember Lizzie, it’s not a lie if you believe it. Also remember, the internet is forever.

A Silver Bullet Anniversary

On this date, twenty-five years ago, I entered the police academy as a fresh-faced 25-year old looking to make my city a better place. The academy was a mix of awesome and awful; I was acing every exam and making many friends, but I was also screwed by the department a few months before graduation.

(My platoon sergeant – may she eventually rot in Hell – claimed my broken ankle was not an “on duty” injury, even though three witnesses saw it.) I eventually had to make up the time on my own, and was unable to attend my graduation ceremony.

In the end, I graduated and took the oath in the academy captain’s office with my parents by my side.

I didn’t hit the street with any bitterness, however, and worked for six years on the overnight shift in the Kensington neighborhood of the city. I responded to my first homicide on my third day, and as I pulled the man – shot in the chest – out of the car for the medics, he went into cardiac arrest and died. I can still see his face; eyes open, mouth gasping for air.

Kensington was awesome because it was so violent. We saw every kind of crime you could imagine, and I learned more in two months than most cops learn in years…

Continue reading “A Silver Bullet Anniversary”

The Worst Person In Pennsylvania

Meet Abraham Perez of Red Lion, PA.

Abraham is a handsome devil with a hairstyle to die for. Ironically, that’s what almost happened to the female Abraham allegedly tried to rape.

Online court documents show that Abraham Perez faces felony charges of attempted rape, sexual assault, false imprisonment and strangulation. That’s in addition to lesser charges of simple assault and harassment.

State police were called to Perez’s house, where they found the woman, who was crying.

The woman told police that Perez had held her down while trying to rape her, adding that the woman also told police that Perez held a bleach-soaked rag over her mouth to keep her quiet during the assault.

The woman said she tried to escape, but Perez wouldn’t let her leave — holding her down, choking her, punching her on the nose and scratching her face.

It is my sincere hope Abraham spends many, many years bent over in a prison cell, shower, and courtyard. Piece of detritus should suffer for the rest of his miserable life.