Town Needs An Enema!

The Japanese people often move at a slower pace than other socieities, so progress in their country will sometimes get backed up. No longer. Kan-Chan is here to flush Japan’s worries away.

A Japanese pharmaceutical company has introduced a large, pink, penguin-like character as a mascot for its enemas.

Tokyo-based Ichijiku Pharmaceutical Co. introduced its new mascot Kan-chan, that resembles a giant home enema kit with blushing cheeks, yellow feet and a smiling beak.

“I’m planning to go to many places in the future,” Kan-chan said in the introductory tweet.

Yep, exotic locales like deep, dark, damp caves, occasionally pocked with stalactites and stalagmites.

Demi Moore Wept

Dear social justice warriors, the sooner you realize men and women are different (and always will be), the sooner we can all resume our lives.

The only woman in the Navy SEAL training pipeline has dropped out, a Navy special warfare official has confirmed.

The female midshipman voluntarily decided to not continue in a summer course that’s required of officers who want to be selected for SEAL training, said Navy spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Mark Walton on Friday.

The Navy has not released the woman’s name, part of a policy against publicly identifying SEALs or candidates for the force. No other women are in the process required to become a Navy SEAL, Walton said. Another woman has set her sights on becoming a Special Warfare Combatant Crewman.

You know who would be a good candidate for the SEALs? Chelsea Manning.

True Detective Stories

While it would be ridiculous to accuse all police officers of being heartless, insolent, jagoffs, there is a segment of each department whose mission appears to be ruining our reputation with the public.

Take this jagoff, for example…

A police officer called the division looking for guidance, and unfortunately he got me instead. Hey, I certainly didn’t become a cop to help people! Any hoo, the officer calls and the conversation goes as follows. (For the record, some of this is paraphrasing.)

Officer: “Yeah, I’m out here on Fifth Street and we have two guys shooting each other… with paintball guns. Can we confiscate these guns?”
Me: “That depends. Are they committing a crime? By that, I mean, are they shooting passersby, cars, or storefronts? Are they threatening people with the guns? Help me out here.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Sunday Services

Today’s services focus upon another celebrity who is celebrating a birthday: actor Sebastian Stan.

Sebastian Stan (born August 13, 1982) is a Romanian-American actor, known for his role as Bucky Barnes / Winter Soldier in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. On television, Stan portrayed Carter Baizen in Gossip Girl, Prince Jack Benjamin in Kings, Jefferson in Once Upon a Time, and T.J. Hammond in Political Animals. His role in Political Animals earned him a nomination for the Critics’ Choice Television Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie/Miniseries.

Marvel is chock full or uber-libtard hacks who care more about diversity than writing good comic books/films, but Stan’s portrayal of the Winter Soldier was outstanding, in my opinion. Similarly, Captain America: The Winter Soldier is Marvel’s best movie so far.

There are more photos below the fold…

Continue reading “Sunday Services”

Hack And Black

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, your prayers have been answered. The two greatest politicians in American history will be teaming up to help Democratic candidates during the midterm elections.

Former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton are working on plans to campaign for Democrats in 2018, and Democrats worry they plan to change the direction of the Party. Aides to Obama told The Hill’s Amie Parnes he is looking to resurface on the national campaign stage. Parnes also reported Clinton is trying to sort out what role she might play in the midterms.

Although the pair bring a lot of fundraising firepower to a very crowded field of needy Democratic candidates, party insiders worry about who would control the party if either past candidate became too influential.

Thank. You. Jesus! Pairing Obama and Hillary together is a godsend. A feckless, pantywaist former president, and a mentally ill, compulsive liar whining about President Trump is a surefire way to ensure the GOP keeps both the Senate and the House.

Women Now Have A Pot To Piss In

In response to the rampant sexism flowing through Germany, the city of Berlin is developing urinals for broads. Ladies, you’re going to love peeing while standing up.

German officials are planning to tackle one of the multiple remaining inequalities between the sexes: the queue for the loo. A scheme has been proposed by Berlin authorities to develop urinals for women at public lavatories across the city.

A 99-page document titled ‘The Toilet Concept for Berlin’ has been produced by the city’s environmental council in collaboration with the private sector.

Nice try, Merkel, but I see right through this. You know what else was titled “The Toilet Concept for Berlin?” The German invasion of Poland.

Mia Is A True Baller

Meet Mia Khalifa.

Mia is a former porn star turned internet celebrity who is really into Washington, D.C., sports. So much so, she offered up her amazing – albeit tainted – body to a video game creator if he would make a certain NBA player more skilled.

Mia Khalifa, 24, who had a brief career as a porn star before becoming an internet celebrity, tweeted the marketing boss of the company behind the upcoming release with her unusual offer.

The Washington Wizards fan was outraged that her favorite player, John Wall, received a rating of 90. She believed he should be bumped up to 93 by the time the game is released in September. She addressed her concerns directly with Take Two’s marketing boss ‘Ronnie2K’, first offering him the chance to play a game of HORSE poker against her.

When the high-stakes poker game idea was rejected with a rather curt ‘nah bruh’, Khalifa responded with the officer ‘I’ll let you touch my titties’.

Touching Mia’s breasts is probably worth one point, but three? Nah bruh. Three would definitely require a “layup” and some butt stuff.

The Atlanta Knaves

The proprietor of an Atlanta gym has turned the heads of the business world after introducing a policy which will insure the financial security of his company for years to come.

Jim Chambers, the owner of EAV Barbell club, put a sign on the door of his gym that explicitly asked police officers not to work out there.

“Do whatever the f— you want, correctly, except crossfit cultism. No f—–g cops.”

Chambers has removed the sign from the door, but only because he regrets using profanities. He still says police officers are not welcome in his gym, nor are active military members. He said that many of the people who frequent the gym are minorities, who are uncomfortable around police officers and military members.

The no cop policy is ignorant, but I’m used to policies like these. What really grinds my gears is the discrimination against service personnel. That, my friends, is a dick move.

The Atlanta Police Department told WXIA that the policy would not prevent them from responding to an emergency at the gym. In turn, Chambers said he would allow the police to search his premises if they obtained a warrant.

Of course it wouldn’t, because most police officers are responsible professionals. The officers might not exactly run red lights while responding to that robbery/burglary/theft, though…

Continue reading “The Atlanta Knaves”

Melancholy Labia

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you the most bizarre story you will ever read in your entire lifetime. This blog can now officially shut down. Wrap it up, pack it in, back up the truck. Humanity is officially finished.

From sexually transmitted infections to childbirth and unpleasant infections, surely your lady garden has enough to face? The idea of having a “depressed” va-jay-jay isn’t something you see on the small screen. It’s a real and very painful thing, known by its medical name vulvodynia, and it can affect women of all ages.

Well, goodnight everyone! Last one out turn off the lights.

It causes a burning sensation down there, a stinging pain despite there being no sign of infection or skin condition. The slightest touch, during sex or even when putting a tampon in, can cause a surge of pain. And, for the women who suffer this long-term condition, it can prove so painful sex is firmly off the cards.

Vulvodynia is also known by its generic name: marriage.

Look ladies, if you suffer from vagina depression, stop by the Earp Ranch, and I’ll prescribe a dose of Vitamin Wyatt. It’ll get you back on the horse, right quick!