Sweet Moan Alabama

Meet Carrie Cabri Witt, a former high school teacher from Decatur, Alabama.

Carrie enjoyed her work as a teacher, and really loved her students. Literally.

On Thursday, Carrie Cabri Witt received a 10-year sentence, the Decatur Daily report. However, Witt will only spend 18 months in state prison, followed by 18 months in a community corrections program. She will serve the remainder of her sentence on probation.

Witt pleaded guilty in March to one count of a school employee engaging in a sex act with a student under the age of 19. Prosecutors had dismissed a second count. The now-48-year-old was arrested in March 2016 and accused of having sex with two students, ages 17 and 18. She was a teacher at Decatur High School.

After her arrest, Witt’s attorneys argued that she had a constitutional right to have sex with the students. Under Alabama law, anyone over 16 without a specified infirmity is capable of consenting to sex.

I’m all for invoking your constitutional rights, but I’m not sure claiming you have a right to diddle teenagers was the best strategy.

Also, I would hit that so hard, whoever pulled me out would be crowned the king of England.

April’s Showers Bring May Glowers

Meet April Teale of Alabama.

Like yesterday’s slob, April really enjoys her alcohol, so much so she decided to get shitfaced drunk, caused a ruckus in the Waffle House – of course – then pressed her ass against the arresting officer’s groin.

This is the college graduate who police say was filmed twerking and grinding up against an arresting officer as as he puts her in cuffs.

April Teale, 24, from Alabama, was held on misdemeanor disorderly conduct and harassment charges on Saturday after footage taken in Tuscaloosa showed her asking the cop: ‘You like that, yeah?’

Don’t flatter yourself, honey; you’re not that hot.

Teale told Busted Coverage she had been drinking ‘jager and bootlegger’ before the incident and that she intends to write a letter of apology to the officer involved.

Sure she will. My prediction? She’ll hire a lawyer, claim the officer sexually assaulted her, and be invited on CNN to denounce the obviously sexist, misogynist police officer.

Darwin Wins Again

Meet Randall Stephens of Alabama.

Randall was recently released from prison, serving time for weapons and narcotics charges. In an effort to seize the day, Randall quickly turned his life around… by allegedly attempting to steal electricity.

An Alabama man was electrocuted while attempting to steal power from a utility pole. Calhoun County Sheriff Matthew Wade identified the victim as Randall Stephens, 56.

Stephens was released from the Calhoun County Jail on May 16. He had been serving time since October 2018 for gun and drug charges.

Stephens’ death was discovered after his skull was found in a neighbor’s front yard. The rest of his body was found “badly decomposed” at the bottom of a power pole. A ladder was next to the pole along with a belt and jumper cables at the top.

Interestingly, there is also a good chance we’ll find Charlie Sheen’s naked, lifeless body lying next to a belt, jumper cables, and a sleeping Tawny Kitaen.