Fighting Drugs, One Shirt At A Time

Meet Allen Burnett of Ashville, Alabama.

Allen is your atypical Alabama man, because he does not get pleasure from watching the Crimson Tide or visiting the state’s beaches. Oh no, Allen gets pleasure by wearing hilarious ironic t-shirts.

Allen Burnett, 60, was collared Thursday night near his home in Ashville, a small city about 45 miles from Birmingham.

Burnett was charged with a pair of drug counts and booked into the St. Clair County jail. He was released early yesterday morning after posting $3500 bond.

At the time of his arrest, Burnett was wearing a purple t-shirt that declared, “I’m Too Good for drugs!”

Well played, Allen. Also, this dude really looks like an older version of Diego the Idiot Detective.

Who Knew Alabama Woman Was A Thing?

Meet Rhonda D. Young of Calhoun County, Alabama. This beautiful young woman was arrested after a domestic dispute involving an argument, a mobile home, and a very large truck.

A woman crashed a truck into a mobile home after arguing with her boyfriend on Memorial Day, according to authorities in the Yellowhammer State.

No better way to celebrate Memorial Day by trying to kill someone.

Officers with the Piedmont Police Department said they were dispatched early Monday morning to the 600 block of Piedmont Cutoff Road. The incident involved a woman driving an “International Commercial Truck” into a mobile home, cops said. Local reports described the vehicle as a tractor-trailer.

Authorities said that a “domestic argument” preceded the crash. One person was injured and two others were put in danger, officers added.

Rhonda hit the trifecta, with a charge of attempted murder and two charges of attempted assault.

He’ll Tumble For Ya

Meet Tyler James Freeman, the pride of Alabama. Tyler has been eluding police since he fled the scene of a traffic stop in December. Little does he know, Alabama cops are great at hide and seek.

The Morgan County Sheriff’s Office has found a man who escaped an attempted traffic stop nearly two months ago.

Tyler James Freeman, 23, was found in a home on Nethery Road in Hartselle last Thursday…and the Sheriff’s Office said he was hiding in a dryer.

Somerville Police initially attempted to stop Freeman in December, but he ran away and the Sheriff’s Office said he stole a Somerville Police car. The car was later found on Perkins Wood Road, but Freeman wasn’t inside.

This story would be better if the cops turned on the dryer and watched him go round and round.

Feel-Good Friday

A 95-year young woman was having trouble walking on the sand of Alabama’s Orange Beach, so the Orange Beach lifeguards decided they would carry her to and from the beach every day of her vacation.

Dottie Schneider was visiting Orange Beach on Alabama’s Gulf Coast with her family in October. A team of lifeguards befriended the party when Dottie’s need became apparent, offering to help her get to the sunny beach and back each day to make the most of her relaxing vacation.

Southern hospitality is a real thing, and southerners take it seriously.

Dottie had “hopes to enjoy the beach, but was unable to walk through the sand on her own,” Orange Beach Surf Rescue posted on Facebook. “Every day for one week, lifeguards would meet Ms. Dottie and her family to help assist her down to her beach chairs, then at day’s end escort her back to the condo.”

The grateful family thanked the lifeguards, they said, by gifting them a fridge-full of food at the end of their vacation. (H/T – Mike AKA Proof)

A great story all-around, and Dottie enjoyed a vacation to remember forever.

Many thanks to The Pirate’s Cove for the linkage.

Sweet Moan Alabama

Meet Carrie Cabri Witt, a former high school teacher from Decatur, Alabama.

Carrie enjoyed her work as a teacher, and really loved her students. Literally.

On Thursday, Carrie Cabri Witt received a 10-year sentence, the Decatur Daily report. However, Witt will only spend 18 months in state prison, followed by 18 months in a community corrections program. She will serve the remainder of her sentence on probation.

Witt pleaded guilty in March to one count of a school employee engaging in a sex act with a student under the age of 19. Prosecutors had dismissed a second count. The now-48-year-old was arrested in March 2016 and accused of having sex with two students, ages 17 and 18. She was a teacher at Decatur High School.

After her arrest, Witt’s attorneys argued that she had a constitutional right to have sex with the students. Under Alabama law, anyone over 16 without a specified infirmity is capable of consenting to sex.

I’m all for invoking your constitutional rights, but I’m not sure claiming you have a right to diddle teenagers was the best strategy.

Also, I would hit that so hard, whoever pulled me out would be crowned the king of England.

April’s Showers Bring May Glowers

Meet April Teale of Alabama.

Like yesterday’s slob, April really enjoys her alcohol, so much so she decided to get shitfaced drunk, caused a ruckus in the Waffle House – of course – then pressed her ass against the arresting officer’s groin.

This is the college graduate who police say was filmed twerking and grinding up against an arresting officer as as he puts her in cuffs.

April Teale, 24, from Alabama, was held on misdemeanor disorderly conduct and harassment charges on Saturday after footage taken in Tuscaloosa showed her asking the cop: ‘You like that, yeah?’

Don’t flatter yourself, honey; you’re not that hot.

Teale told Busted Coverage she had been drinking ‘jager and bootlegger’ before the incident and that she intends to write a letter of apology to the officer involved.

Sure she will. My prediction? She’ll hire a lawyer, claim the officer sexually assaulted her, and be invited on CNN to denounce the obviously sexist, misogynist police officer.

Darwin Wins Again

Meet Randall Stephens of Alabama.

Randall was recently released from prison, serving time for weapons and narcotics charges. In an effort to seize the day, Randall quickly turned his life around… by allegedly attempting to steal electricity.

An Alabama man was electrocuted while attempting to steal power from a utility pole. Calhoun County Sheriff Matthew Wade identified the victim as Randall Stephens, 56.

Stephens was released from the Calhoun County Jail on May 16. He had been serving time since October 2018 for gun and drug charges.

Stephens’ death was discovered after his skull was found in a neighbor’s front yard. The rest of his body was found “badly decomposed” at the bottom of a power pole. A ladder was next to the pole along with a belt and jumper cables at the top.

Interestingly, there is also a good chance we’ll find Charlie Sheen’s naked, lifeless body lying next to a belt, jumper cables, and a sleeping Tawny Kitaen.