Pennsylvania Man Is A Thing

Well, I’m starting to think Pennsylvanians are equally as idiotic as Floridians. (Not all, obviously, but many.)

Two Altoona men spent their weekend entering food stores, spilling motor oil all over the bathroom floors, and fleeing the scene while laughing.

Two Altoona men are facing charges after stealing motor oil and throwing it all over the bathroom at multiple convenience stores because they said they thought it was funny.

Gauge Nihart, 20, and Timothy Rice, 21, were identified as the two men police were looking for after a Sheetz employee called about motor oil being thrown all over the men’s restroom on March 26. After speaking with the manager at 58th street Sheetz, they were informed that the same thing happened at two other Sheetz stores in Altoona and Hollidaysburg.

For the record, Sheetz is a great store and the people working there are usually extremely polite. Pretty sure these two morons should get the death penalty.

While investigating, police found that the same thing happened at Rutter’s on 6th avenue in Altoona.

Security footage from all the stores showed the two men, Nihart and Rice, walking into the stores and taking a bottle of motor oil off the shelf, walking into the bathroom, then coming out about a minute later laughing and smiling without the bottle of oil.

Death. Penalty.

Carlos Isn’t Here, Man

Meet Carlos Ortiz, of Altoona, PA.

Carlos is obviously a people person, and he makes every effort to surround himself with other citizens… right before he begins assaulting them.

Carlos Ortiz, 47, allegedly went to Nic’s Grab N Go on 6th Avenue on March 27. He began to physically attack customers and struck numerous vehicles with plastic signs before striking someone with a sign. Witnesses told police he said he had a gun and threatened to shoot one of the victims.

When a female employee tried to get Ortiz to leave, he struck her with the sign and pushed her against a wall. He then chased after her when she tried to run back inside. Ortiz reportedly broke the mirror off of someone’s car before going inside the store where he hit the female employee and then punched a man in the face.

Wow, Carlos really doesn’t look like a guy who would assault people at random, amirite?

Police arrived to find Ortiz climbing a nearby fire escape. Ortiz threw a rock at officers before climbing onto the roof of the building. He then proceeded to throw a toilet off the roof along with a paint can and chimney cap directed at Altoona police.

The only question I have is this; did Carlos throw the toilet off the roof before or after he defecated in it?

Five Guys Is Down To Three Now

Meet Anthony Towles of Tyrone, PA.

Anthony was working at a Five Guys restaurant when a coworker claimed Anthony wasn’t working hard enough. Anthony did not appreciate this constructive criticism, and decided to do something about it.

Anthony Towles, 51, of Tyrone, is facing felony charges after police were called to Five Guys in Altoona and found the victim with a stab wound to their neck, mere inches from a carotid artery.

It’s literally a miracle no one has done this to Diego.

Police report that both the victim and Towles stated that they got into an argument over the victim telling him he wasn’t working hard enough. The two employees then made their way into the back parking lot behind the shopping center. The victim told police that at this point, Towles said “I’m going to kill you.”

Towles then related that he took a pen from his sock and swung it at the victim. Police noted that the victim had an inch long, rather deep cut to the left side of his head behind his ear, mere inches from a major artery.

See, I don’t get this. You’re in a restaurant with knives, a scalding hot stove, and enough cholesterol to kill ten men, but you attack the guy with a sock pen? Come on, Anthony, be better.