And You Thought Your Wedding Was Bad?

Meet Nicholas Ruthenberg of, well, you already know what state. Nicholas was married on Monday, and shortly thereafter, he was arrested for being under the influence after he struck an oncoming car.

Police charge that Nicholas Ruthenberg was driving the wrong way on a Vero Beach street late Monday afternoon when he struck a vehicle traveling in the opposite direction. Ruthenberg ran from the scene of the crash, which resulted in the hospitalization of the other driver for “neck, back, and leg pain,” cops reported.

Ruthenberg, who was subsequently arrested near the crash site, was acting erratically and “appeared as if he were under the influence of an unknown substance.” Upon arrival at the county jail, Ruthenberg declared “All hail Donald Trump” while failing a series of sobriety tests.

Well, I guess he can’t all bad, amirite?

Ruthenberg’s blood alcohol level was 0.0, prompting police to ask him for a urine sample to “determine the presence of chemical or controlled substances.”

As a cop prepared the urine test, Ruthenberg “started to take his pants off and then spread his buttocks. During which time he placed two fingers in his anus.” Ruthenberg was then placed back in handcuffs.

I mean, I guess it’s better than having the cops stick their fingers in there.

Ruthenberg, who lives about 15 miles from Vero Beach, is a registered Democrat, according to Florida voter records. The email address he provided when registering is ifarted69@gmail.com.

Wait, the drugged-up, felonious “All Hail Trump” guy is a Democrat? I am shocked. Shocked, I say!

Hounds Status: Released

A Florida woman was arrested after cleaning out her garage with her breasts exposed. The photo above is the delicious Christina Ricci, because the “woman” pictured at the link is not exactly appealing.

Responding to a 911 call “reference to a exposure of sexual organs,” cops spoke with a Vero Beach resident who said that a neighbor who lives across the street pulled down her shirt “and exposed her breasts to the victim and her children.” The minors ranged in age from 11 to five.

At one point, the witness said, the topless woman “bent over with her top down and started pounding on her blue plastic recycling bin making sure that the victim and the kids were looking.”

Upon confronting the suspect–identified by police as Stephanie Wright, 56–“her tan tank top was tucked under her breasts and I could visibly see her breasts,” reported Deputy David Ragley.

Wright refused Ragley’s initial request to cover up. “No, I’m in my garage and I don’t have to,” she reportedly said. After eventually pulling her top up, Wright explained that she had been “cleaning out her garage.” Asked why she was doing this topless, Wright “stated she was allowed to.”

People sometimes ask me how often I’ve seen naked people while performing my job. The answer is, “more than you would believe.” When asked how many are attractive, the answer is always, “zero.”

She’d Like To Speak To The Manager

A North Carolina woman was arrested after entering CIA Headquarters and demanding to speak to Agent Penis. The agents calmly explained President Clinton was no longer in office, before arresting her… for the second time.

A woman who allegedly tried to get into the CIA’s headquarters and asked to speak with “Agent Penis” last year has been arrested and ordered to be held by a federal judge for violating the terms of her pretrial release.

Remember, you can’t spell “Agent Penis” without insane.

Jennifer G. Hernandez, 58, of North Carolina, was ordered to surrender to U.S. Marshals and appear in U.S. District Court in Alexandria on Wednesday.

Last year, Hernandez was cited after she allegedly attempted to gain access to the agency’s campus three days in a row on May, 1, 2, and 3.

Hernandez was charged by the Secret Service on Dec. 9, 2019, with unlawful entry – though the specifics of her trespass were not revealed. Hernandez reportedly returned to the CIA on Dec. 23 after she was ordered to stay away from CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

In Jennifer’s defense, it’s possible she was searching for Eliot P. Ness of The Untouchables.