A Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight

A Louisiana couple are being investigated after their get-rid-of-snakes scheme went up in smoke.

Quite literally.

A Louisiana woman accused of setting fires told investigators she and her boyfriend were trying to get rid of snakes, the state Department of Agriculture and Forestry says.

Robert Lee Ramirez, 34, of Leesville, faces two counts of arson and remained at large Tuesday. Laura Ashley Lee, 34, also of Leesville, was released on $3,500 bond after being arrested March 18 on one count of arson.

According to the statement, investigators say Ramirez set multiple fires along the road and in woods owned by others around their home.

Maybe it’s me, and I don’t even live in Louisiana, but I would assume there are plenty of snakes in bayou country. I would also assume the fires would only make the snakes angrier.

Kyle has a friend in Louisiana, and when he visited there, he said there are a few really nice places, but there are also a lot of communities which would sugest you always roll your windows up. I’m guessing these two live in one of those enclaves.

True Detective Stories

Hat Tip: Sean Walsh, Philadelphia Inquirer

The Philadelphia Police Department is chock full of our best and brightest, the cream of the crop, those chosen few who perform both brain science and rocket surgery. Take this story. for instance.

On Sunday afternoon, two patrol officers arrested a man for shoplifting. Shoplifting is effectively legal in the city now – I mean, if we’re not arresting rioters and looters, why would we arrest thieves? – so the offender would likely receive a summary citation and be on his way.

Sadly, that’s not how this guy rolls.

Our wicked smaht arresting officers cuffed the man, placed him into the rear of the vehicle, and prepared to transport him to the division. As they were getting ready to go, one of the officers smelled something. Turning around, he noticed the fine, upstanding citizen was attempting to light the rear seat on fire.

You see, when you’re wicked smaht like these two dopes, it’s not necessary to search an arrestee for contraband, weapons, of a f**king butane lighter!

The jackass arrestee did manage to light the car’s interior on fire, causing minor damage, while promoting himself from summary offense to full-fledged felon. Congratulations, everyone; awesome show, great job!

New Jersey & You: Burning Together

A New Jersey woman was so upset at missing a booty call that she decided to burn down the man’s home.

According to cops, Taija Russell, 29, torched Curtis Stokes’s home around 4 AM on August 4. Russell was arrested this week on several felony charges, including attempted homicide, aggravated arson, and aggravated assault.

Russell had initially texted Stokes “hello,” to which he responded, “Bring ya ass.” But Stokes, 32, told cops that he fell asleep after inviting Russell over and that he “later awoke to his house on fire.” During a police interview, Stokes referred to Russell as a “side chick.”

Yes, by all means, tell the world you have a “side chick,” as your real girlfriend reads about you in the news. This homie is too stupid to have a side chick, and he’s going to ruin it for the rest of us!

Oh, I’ve said too much…

Investigators say that when Russell arrived at the residence, the snoozing Stokes did not hear her at the front door. He also did not respond to a series of text messages sent by Russell while she was outside his home.

That is obviously not Taija above, but TXNick yelled at me for posting photos of ugly women yesterday.

True Detective Stories

Yes, I know I had a TDS posted yesterday, but as bad as Friday was, Saturday was worse.

Our squad is split in half – and early end, which begins at 7am, and a late end, which starts at 8am. Since I run the front desk, I am always early, but with three detectives on vacation and one on military leave, I was the only detective in the building for the first hour.

Naturally, we were busy.

A domestic assault arrest was waiting for me, and while I have to interview the victim – she was bloody and beaten by her asshole boyfriend – I also had to check the teletype printer, answer the phones, and tend to the front window. Plus, the cops who made the arrest had dozens of interrupting questions. By time I finished the interview, took photos of the victim’s injuries, and completed the arrest paperwork, it was nearly 9am. Two hours into my shift, and I hadn’t even begun my daily jobs.

A few hours later, I was sitting at my desk – surly, waiting for the end of my shift – a patrol sergeant calls. He tells me they have an arson at a playground, and they have stopped two pre-teen thugs. (We can’t catch shooters, but teen hijinks are a breeze.) The sergeant wants to know if we want to hold the crime scene. I begin to say, “Actually…” and he cuts me off. He then continues to describe said crime scene, and when he stops, I try again. “Actually…” Nope, the sergeant keeps flapping his gums.

When this idiot finally shuts his dick trap, I respond. “Actually sergeant, we do not handle arson cases.” Perplexed with these facts, he interrogates me, as if I would purposely lie to a supervisor. “Yes, the Fire Marshal handles every aspect of an arson case, which is not actually an arson until the Fire Marshal makes that determination.”

“But the kids lit the slide on fire…”

“I’m sure they did, but again, the Fire Marshal has full control of the scene and the investigation. Further, if he determines the case is an arson, he still must file his report before any arrests can be made. So he’ll make the arrests after filing a warrant.”

*silence*

“Okay, thanks.” The sergeant hung up.

Annoyed beyond repair, I tell my sergeant about the conversation, and head to the bathroom to pee and maybe retch.

I come back a few minutes later and a patrol sergeant is talking to my sergeant, asking about the arson case. The sergeant tells him exactly what I did, and the patrol sergeant leaves. The motherf**ker apparently didn’t believe me, and wanted to come to the division to double-check. Because, you know, why would a nearly twenty-five year veteran with almost fourteen years as a detective know what he was talking about?

You know, I still like my job, but I despise my department.

Fire In The Hole

35th-district-police-car-arson

Last night a concerned citizen calmly walked into our division’s parking lot, opened a patrol car’s gas tank, stuffed it with paper and lit said paper on fire. Thankfully, no bacon was cooked.

Officials say they found a vandalized radio patrol car in the parking lot of the 35th District headquarters around 8:30 p.m. Monday. The vehicle’s gas tank was opened and the cap was placed on the ground. Officials also found a burnt piece of paper sticking out of the gas tank.

While investigators say the paper had been previously lit, they don’t believe the vehicle ever caught fire.

So apparently we had a visit from either Anton Chigurh or the Black Lives Matter terrorist group.

My partner got stuck with the job, and we during our conversation we brought up three points. First, we’re damned lucky the gas tank didn’t explode. The patrol car was parked right next to the building, and officers would have been severely injured or killed. Second, we have gas pumps in the lot, so this incident could have been much, much worse. And finally, why the f**k do we not have surveillance cameras covering the building’s perimeter – rhetorical question, as the city won’t pay for them – and how the f**k does a guy walk right into the lot and tamper with a vehicle without anyone noticing?

It’s bad enough we have to worry about being attacked personally; now we have to worry about these animals sabotaging our vehicles.