True Detective Stories

I started my week’s first night shift Tuesday. Night shift is great because I get to sleep later, but it also sucks ass because all the jackass cops bring in gun arrests. Thanks to our POS Soros-installed D.A., a job which would take an hour, now takes four hours-plus.

On the first night, we handled four gun arrests and I had five detectives. When the fifth job came in, I told the cop that it would be the next shift. The cop said, “That’s two hours form now!” I replied, “Yeah. Everyone had a gun arrest, and I can’t give you people I don’t have.”

The rest of the week was similar, but Friday took the cake. A police officer in the river district called the division at 7pm and said he was assaulted by an offender. He said he would be coming to the division and he would be bringing the paperwork with him. Okay, no worries. We’ll handle it when he gets here.

Shortly afterward, we got crazy busy, and I forgot all about the moron who was assaulted.

The officer finally arrived at 9:45pm, nearly three hours after he called. He drops the paperwork on my desk, and I ask, “What is this?” He tells me he was the one who was assaulted, and I replied, “That was like three hours ago. Where have you been?” The jackass said, “I was writing my paperwork.”

Stretch And Bend And Turn And Kick…

A Fairfax, Virginia man was arrested after he drunkenly stumbled into a fitness center and started harassing the employees and members. Wow, I wonder if going to the gym is more fun when you’re hammered?

City of Fairfax Police charged a Maryland man Tuesday night for assaulting law enforcement officers and being drunk in public.

Pfft, it’s called Jazzercise, you dolts!

Officers responded around 10:19 p.m to the Life Time Fitness in Fair City Mall for the report of an intoxicated man walking up to the center’s patrons.

Following a preliminary investigation, the officers charged Jair Moreno, 34, of Maryland with being drunk in public. They then transported him to the Fairfax County Adult Detention Center. Once there, police say Moreno kicks two law enforcement officers.

If nothing else, give the guy some credit for showing up to the gym and actually working out. Don’t tell Mrs. Earp, but I log in to Planet Fitness, and walk on the treadmill for an hour behind a woman with a perfectly-shaped ass.

True Detective Stories

You’re all likely bored with these True Detective Stories, but I thought this specific post was worth the trouble, since it sheds some light on the people who surround me every day.

It was late in the tour Wednesday morning when a police lieutenant called the division and stated one of his top-notch officers was assaulted. The offender was a junkie and a known 302 (aka a mental case) who was walking the streets naked and screaming at random bystanders.

Before you ask, no she was not remotely hittable.

The woman went postal when the officer approached her, and the officer claimed he was “scratched” on his neck and arms, despite the fact our supervisor saw no such marks. (Now, for the record, I would never write an assault on police report if I was scratched, especially if there were no visible marks. But hey, it’s the new police department.) Further, the woman was carrying a belt, and smashed the police cruiser’s windshield with the buckle, as the officer apparently sat there and did nothing…

True Detective Stories

True Detective Stories 219: A Comedy Of Errors.

Saturday may have been the most idiotic, violent, error-filled tour of my entire career. In twenty-six years, I have never seen so many screw-ups from cops, or incompetence from patrol supervisors.

I was truly embarrassed for this department.

The day started with a shooting in one of our districts. The victim was sitting outside when a car sped down the block and opened fire. The victim was stuck in the leg and transported to the hospital. The shooting happened during shift change, so one particular patrol sergeant decided to leave one officer on location to protect the scene.

Note the scene is located in a very high crime area, and shootings in that neighborhood are common. The house where the person was shot was being held as a crime scene, and policy dictates at least one officer secures the front and one officer secures the rear. Difficult to do that when you’re the only officer on scene.

Also, did I mention the lone officer was there without a vehicle? So the kid is standing outside a house where a shooting just occurred, without a vehicle, and without backup in case the shooters return. Apparently the sergeant thought this was a prudent decision…

Bitches Get Stitches

Two drunken British teenage girls were arrested after insulting and assaulting Manchester police officers. See what happens when the Brits are locked out of soccer matches?

A pair of feral teens who terrorized a town center have been placed under curfew after spitting and swearing at police who were trying to arrest them during a drunken rampage.

During a violent struggle Charlie Beaumont, who was 18 at the time, assaulted a policewoman and screamed “you fat c**t, you’re a sl*g, I’m going to head-butt you”, while her friend Jamie Leigh Perkins tried to bite the officers.

Wow, I loved her in Halloween!

Despite their young age, the pair have lengthy criminal records for violence and were down for hanging around with other tearaways and causing trouble outside shops and businesses in Stockport, Greater Manchester.

You know what will straighten these hoors out? A nightstick to the head and ass. At least the judge had the right attitude…

“However you both have got to continue living your life to the high standards you have now set yourselves and prove that you wish to become part of the human race again and not be from a sub-culture who go round dragging their knuckles over the pavement.”

Hahaha! That’s simply savage.

True Detective Stories

The other night, one of my coworkers told me two young female officers are “scared to death of me.” This puzzled me, because while I am always sarcastic, I never try to be mean. Well, usually.

Then there was Tuesday night.

Two rookie cops came to the division with an alleged “robbery” and an assault on police. The first cop decided he would be the spokesman, because he was a grizzled veteran with a whopping four years on the job. Wow! The officer explained a female went into a store, shoplifted nearly $200 worth of cosmetics, and when they tried to arrest her, she spit in the other officer’s face.

Even though I already knew the answers to my questions beforehand, I decided to ask them anyway. “Officer, if there was an assault on police, did you follow the protocols?”
“What?”

“You know, the protocols deemed necessary by directive? When there is an assault on police, the scene has to be held. Did you do that?”
“No.”

“The store must be treated as a crime scene. Did you hold the store and make sure no one entered or left?”
“No.”

“Did you bring up all the witnesses to the assault?”
“No.”

“Did you have your supervisor come to the scene?”
“No.”

True Detective Stories

On Friday night, we were more than a little shorthanded. Two detectives were on vacation, one was at the pistol range, and another is on military leave. One other was leaving after the first half of the shift was over – using vacation time – so we were blessed with four detectives on the floor.

In the span of the eight-hour shift, we handled two commercial robberies, a sudden death, and a police involved shooting. None of those jobs were as stressful as the dreck Officer Lurch brought in. Officer Lurch was born and raised in some diesel-soaked Eastern European hell hole, so he’s a little sketchy on the finer points of police work.

Like the difference between a drunk and an assaulter.

Lurch walked in, and dropped paperwork on my desk. I’m no fan of Lurch, because he’s an arrogant dolt, so I asked him what he had. Lurch claimed it was an assault on police. Since there is a procedure for assaults on cops, I asked him if he completed the ten or so items on the checklist. Lurch was 0-for-10…

True Detective Stories

So, let me tell you about my Monday.

I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, and wondering if I’m too old to become a professional video gamer when I notice an Assault on Police job pop up on the screen. The time was about 4:30pm, but the incident allegedly occurred at 3pm. I mean, that can’t be right, because no cop would wait nearly two hours to inform detectives of an assault on an officer, right?

At approximately 4:40pm, the officer saunters in, looking better than I have in years. For someone who was assaulted, he looked fabulous!

True Detective Stories

So work Thursday night was miserable. We battled heavy rain storms, stupid phone calls and more jobs than expected for a Thursday evening. While every one of those previous instances were stress-inducing, nothing beat the assault on police debacle.

Just as a point of reference, there is a directive for assault on police jobs. 1. Every officer on the scene needs to be brought to the division for an interview. 2. Every witness needs to be brought for interviews, as well. 3. The crime scene needs to be held, a patrol supervisor and the detective division needs to be notified. 4. A captain or above needs to approve the charges.

Remember that…

Punch And Judy

Meet Paul Seeger, Cindy Caine, and Frank Bonett.

Caine and Bonett are active Philadelphia police officers. Seeger is a retired Philadelphia police officer. All three are obviously the pride of their department.

Two off-duty Philadelphia police officers as well as a retired officer were arrested following a fight with a deputy at a Florida restaurant.

The incident took place at the Crabby Bill’s Restaurant on 401 Gulf Boulevard in Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, Tuesday around 11 p.m. Deputies responded to the business after receiving a report of a domestic battery.

I’m guessing Bill wasn’t the only one crabby that evening.

When deputies arrived they found Paul Seeger, a 51-year-old retired Philadelphia police officer, pushing his wife, Cindy Caine, a 44-year-old Philadelphia officer.

Seeger allegedly walked away as the deputy told him multiple times to stop. When the deputy grabbed Seeger’s arm, he resisted while Caine pushed the deputy’s arm away.

See? Nothing brings a couple together than a shared hatred of the police. I just love a happy ending.

Frank Bonett, a 44-year-old Philadelphia police officer, approached the deputy, threatened him, removed his shirt, clenched his fists and began cursing at him.

The deputy did say Bonett’s chest was amazing and his muscles were “ripped.”

Seeger then allegedly took a combative stance but the deputy managed to take him down to the ground, leading to a violent struggle between the two. Seeger was eventually handcuffed and taken into custody. Responding deputies also arrested Bonett and Caine.

The good news is the Philadelphia Police Department will not only refuse to discipline the two active officers, but they will also be promoted to sergeant, post haste.