True Detective Stories

True Detective Stories 219: A Comedy Of Errors.

Saturday may have been the most idiotic, violent, error-filled tour of my entire career. In twenty-six years, I have never seen so many screw-ups from cops, or incompetence from patrol supervisors.

I was truly embarrassed for this department.

The day started with a shooting in one of our districts. The victim was sitting outside when a car sped down the block and opened fire. The victim was stuck in the leg and transported to the hospital. The shooting happened during shift change, so one particular patrol sergeant decided to leave one officer on location to protect the scene.

Note the scene is located in a very high crime area, and shootings in that neighborhood are common. The house where the person was shot was being held as a crime scene, and policy dictates at least one officer secures the front and one officer secures the rear. Difficult to do that when you’re the only officer on scene.

Also, did I mention the lone officer was there without a vehicle? So the kid is standing outside a house where a shooting just occurred, without a vehicle, and without backup in case the shooters return. Apparently the sergeant thought this was a prudent decision…

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Bitches Get Stitches

Two drunken British teenage girls were arrested after insulting and assaulting Manchester police officers. See what happens when the Brits are locked out of soccer matches?

A pair of feral teens who terrorized a town center have been placed under curfew after spitting and swearing at police who were trying to arrest them during a drunken rampage.

During a violent struggle Charlie Beaumont, who was 18 at the time, assaulted a policewoman and screamed “you fat c**t, you’re a sl*g, I’m going to head-butt you”, while her friend Jamie Leigh Perkins tried to bite the officers.

Wow, I loved her in Halloween!

Despite their young age, the pair have lengthy criminal records for violence and were down for hanging around with other tearaways and causing trouble outside shops and businesses in Stockport, Greater Manchester.

You know what will straighten these hoors out? A nightstick to the head and ass. At least the judge had the right attitude…

“However you both have got to continue living your life to the high standards you have now set yourselves and prove that you wish to become part of the human race again and not be from a sub-culture who go round dragging their knuckles over the pavement.”

Hahaha! That’s simply savage.

True Detective Stories

The other night, one of my coworkers told me two young female officers are “scared to death of me.” This puzzled me, because while I am always sarcastic, I never try to be mean. Well, usually.

Then there was Tuesday night.

Two rookie cops came to the division with an alleged “robbery” and an assault on police. The first cop decided he would be the spokesman, because he was a grizzled veteran with a whopping four years on the job. Wow! The officer explained a female went into a store, shoplifted nearly $200 worth of cosmetics, and when they tried to arrest her, she spit in the other officer’s face.

Even though I already knew the answers to my questions beforehand, I decided to ask them anyway. “Officer, if there was an assault on police, did you follow the protocols?”
“What?”

“You know, the protocols deemed necessary by directive? When there is an assault on police, the scene has to be held. Did you do that?”
“No.”

“The store must be treated as a crime scene. Did you hold the store and make sure no one entered or left?”
“No.”

“Did you bring up all the witnesses to the assault?”
“No.”

“Did you have your supervisor come to the scene?”
“No.”

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True Detective Stories

On Friday night, we were more than a little shorthanded. Two detectives were on vacation, one was at the pistol range, and another is on military leave. One other was leaving after the first half of the shift was over – using vacation time – so we were blessed with four detectives on the floor.

In the span of the eight-hour shift, we handled two commercial robberies, a sudden death, and a police involved shooting. None of those jobs were as stressful as the dreck Officer Lurch brought in. Officer Lurch was born and raised in some diesel-soaked Eastern European hell hole, so he’s a little sketchy on the finer points of police work.

Like the difference between a drunk and an assaulter.

Lurch walked in, and dropped paperwork on my desk. I’m no fan of Lurch, because he’s an arrogant dolt, so I asked him what he had. Lurch claimed it was an assault on police. Since there is a procedure for assaults on cops, I asked him if he completed the ten or so items on the checklist. Lurch was 0-for-10…

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True Detective Stories

So, let me tell you about my Monday.

I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, and wondering if I’m too old to become a professional video gamer when I notice an Assault on Police job pop up on the screen. The time was about 4:30pm, but the incident allegedly occurred at 3pm. I mean, that can’t be right, because no cop would wait nearly two hours to inform detectives of an assault on an officer, right?

At approximately 4:40pm, the officer saunters in, looking better than I have in years. For someone who was assaulted, he looked fabulous!

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True Detective Stories

So work Thursday night was miserable. We battled heavy rain storms, stupid phone calls and more jobs than expected for a Thursday evening. While every one of those previous instances were stress-inducing, nothing beat the assault on police debacle.

Just as a point of reference, there is a directive for assault on police jobs. 1. Every officer on the scene needs to be brought to the division for an interview. 2. Every witness needs to be brought for interviews, as well. 3. The crime scene needs to be held, a patrol supervisor and the detective division needs to be notified. 4. A captain or above needs to approve the charges.

Remember that…

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Punch And Judy

Meet Paul Seeger, Cindy Caine, and Frank Bonett.

Caine and Bonett are active Philadelphia police officers. Seeger is a retired Philadelphia police officer. All three are obviously the pride of their department.

Two off-duty Philadelphia police officers as well as a retired officer were arrested following a fight with a deputy at a Florida restaurant.

The incident took place at the Crabby Bill’s Restaurant on 401 Gulf Boulevard in Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, Tuesday around 11 p.m. Deputies responded to the business after receiving a report of a domestic battery.

I’m guessing Bill wasn’t the only one crabby that evening.

When deputies arrived they found Paul Seeger, a 51-year-old retired Philadelphia police officer, pushing his wife, Cindy Caine, a 44-year-old Philadelphia officer.

Seeger allegedly walked away as the deputy told him multiple times to stop. When the deputy grabbed Seeger’s arm, he resisted while Caine pushed the deputy’s arm away.

See? Nothing brings a couple together than a shared hatred of the police. I just love a happy ending.

Frank Bonett, a 44-year-old Philadelphia police officer, approached the deputy, threatened him, removed his shirt, clenched his fists and began cursing at him.

The deputy did say Bonett’s chest was amazing and his muscles were “ripped.”

Seeger then allegedly took a combative stance but the deputy managed to take him down to the ground, leading to a violent struggle between the two. Seeger was eventually handcuffed and taken into custody. Responding deputies also arrested Bonett and Caine.

The good news is the Philadelphia Police Department will not only refuse to discipline the two active officers, but they will also be promoted to sergeant, post haste.

Countess De Money

Meet Luann de Lesseps.

Luann is apparently a celebrity – well, not an actual celebrity, but some bint who married well and landed on a reality TV show. Sadly, Luann was faced with another reality this week; the reality that D Block does not offer room service.

Luann de Lesseps made a very bad situation even worse early Sunday according to a police report of her arrest. The Real Housewives of New York star was out partying with friends Saturday when she allegedly slipped into a room at The Colony Hotel with a man while a maid was still cleaning the space.

I’d love to ask the guy if Luann was any good in the sack, but pretty women usually just lie there and make the guy do all the work.

De Lesseps was staying at the hotel but not in that room, and when a guard was unable to get her to leave two police officers were called to the scene. That is when a ‘highly intoxicated’ de Lesseps reportedly barricaded herself in the room, and when an officer managed to get a key for entry she struck him on the chest and slammed the door in his face.

The report goes on to state that when she was finally cuffed, de Lesseps managed to slip out of her restraints and screamed ‘I’m going to f***ing kill you’ at police while trying to escape from the scene.

So apparently Luann is a Black Lives Matter kind of girl. Well hey, maybe she can find her third – yes, third – husband at one of their marches?

If Nothing Else, This Guy Is Headstrong

Pennsylvania resident Jordan Richardson apparently never saw the film Animal House. If he did, he would have realized angry, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.

Jordan S Richardson of New Holland was charged with aggravated assault, resisting arrest, simple assault and criminal mischief in the 3:49 a.m. incident in the 300 block of East Jackson Street.

Police found Richardson, who appeared to be under the influence of a controlled substance, outside, naked and arguing with his father. He resisted arrested and at one point climbed on top of a vehicle on East Jackson Street while yelling obscenities. He was also charged with aggravated assault by Ephrata police after being accused of spitting saliva mixed with blood into the face of an EMT.

In addition to attacking his father, he punched an officer several times in the head.

Richardson was tasered twice and pulled the barbs out not once, but twice. That’s like pulling out nipple rings. Believe me, I know.

Rumble In The… Um, Seat

Two Virginia residents have been arrested after being found batter-dipping the corn dog inside a parked vehicle.

It also didn’t help that the female involved did not take the interruption lightly.

“At approximately 3:32 p.m. on March 22, officers were dispatched to the report of two subjects allegedly engaged in sexual activity in public view,” Arlington County Police said in a crime report. “As officers were conducting the investigation, the female subject charged at the officer and struck him repeatedly.”

“Nicole Faircloth, 42, of No Fixed Address was arrested and charged with assault and battery on police and performing a sexual act in a public place,” the crime report continued. “Petko Ubiparipovic, 42, of No Fixed Address, was arrested and charged with performing a sexual act in a public place. Both were held on bond.”

Whao, whoa, whoa… You can be arrested for having sex in a car? Doc, fire up the DeLorean; I need to warn 1985 Wyatt to not touch Tara Durkin’s goodies.

Oh, and before you ask, yes, I did Google Faircloth’s photo. You can thank me for taking a proverbial bullet to the eyes after seeing this wildebeest.