Have You Been Injured? Call Me!

Meet South Carolina attorney Pano Michael Dupree. Pano allegedly entered a local bowling alley, confronted his girlfriend, and allegedly started choking her. Luckily someone in the bowling alley had a set of balls.

A Charleston, South Carolina attorney accused of assault and battery was knocked out during the alleged attack on his girlfriend after a mystery woman intervened and socked him in the face.

According to Crime-Online, Charleston attorney Pano Michael Dupree went to an area bowling alley and confronted his girlfriend there on March 19. According to witnesses, Dupree got behind the woman, and attempted to put her in a chokehold while pulling on her hair.

Witnesses then say the mystery woman acted, running up to Dupree and punching his lights out.

I’m no detective, but I assume the heroine will never have to pay for a drink in that bowling alley again.

Boyfriend Assaulted By Crackpot

A Florida woman was arrested after she allegedly assaulted her 69-year old boyfriend – heh, heh, “69” – after he refused to perform oral sex on her.

A Florida woman was arrested Sunday morning after allegedly battering her 69-year-old boyfriend after he refused to perform oral sex on her.

For the record, this is not the defendant. This is actress Zoe Saldana, and believe me, you would rather be looking at her instead of the defendant.

The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Department was called to a home in Largo, just west of Tampa, around 3 a.m. on Sunday following a disturbance between Katanya Jordan, 46, and her longtime boyfriend.

The victim claimed that the two had been arguing about Jordan smoking crack when she began yelling at him and demanding he perform oral sex. When he refused, she began “hitting and scratching him,” giving him “several small lacerations” which appeared to have been “caused by fingernails.”

You’d think Jordan would be mellow after smoking a shite-ton of crack, but apparently it makes her very angry, very violent… and very horny. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

One Flew Over The Cookie’s Nest

A Parma, Ohio woman was arrested and sentenced to three months in prison after assaulting McDonald’s employees because her drive-thru order did not contain the cookie she ordered.

In a plea deal, Daja Tucker, 24, copped to assault and criminal damage charges in connection with an April confrontation at a McDonald’s in Parma, a city outside Cleveland.

Tucker was intoxicated when she tangled with the workers around 10:15 PM. Angry that she had been shorted a cookie, Tucker climbed through the drive-thru window and fought with the employees, one of whom Tucker spit on.

Well, if nothing else, the sentencing judge is high-lariously sarcastic…

In sentencing Tucker this week, Municipal Court Judge Timothy Gilligan called the assault “truly shocking.” While playing McDonald’s surveillance footage of the incident, Gilligan said, “At this point you spit on her. You just spit on her during this pandemic. And what’s the reason for your attack? You didn’t get your cookie.”

After Tucker acknowledged that the missing cookie prompted the assault, Gilligan said, “Because you didn’t get your cookie, this is the proper response.”

If everyone lived vicariously through Seinfeld quotes, the world would be a better place. “Look to the cookie, Daja. Look to the cookie.”

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

Meet Anthony Vullo of DeVary, Florida.

Anthony is very politically active, and usually places signs for his candidate on the front lawn. Unfortunately, Anthony doesn’t tolerate dissent, so if you try to obscure his sign, you may want to put on a helmet beforehand.

A fight over the placement of political signs led to a man punching his neighbor in the face, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

Records show it started when a witness told his neighbor that another neighbor, Anthony Vullo, had taken the man’s campaign sign and thrown it across the yard.

The man confronted Vullo about why he threw his campaign sign and Vullo said he was upset that the man had placed the sign in a way that blocked his own sign.

During the confrontation, deputies said Vullo pushed his 48-year-old neighbor, then his neighbor pushed him back then Vullo pushed his neighbor on the left side of his face.

The only occasion where it is acceptable to punch someone for a political sign is if the victim is voting for Lindsey Graham… or possibly Justin Guarini.

Uh Oh, SpaghettiOs!

Meet Shadae Miranda of Flori-Duh.

Shadae is an emotional, caring woman who simply wants the best for her and her boyfriend during these difficult, trying times. Sometimes, however, Shadae has to put the pedal to the metal.

According to an arrest affidavit, the victim told police that after arriving “home from the hospital” Saturday afternoon he got into a verbal argument with Shadae Miranda. The victim and Miranda, 30, were sharing a room at a Travel Inn motel in Fort Pierce.

The man told cops that he sought to deescalate the situation by gathering some of his belongings and stepping outside, where he ended up sitting in a lawn chair. Miranda, cops allege, began striking the victim while he was still inside the room.

As the man lounged outside, Miranda allegedly struck him in the head with a “15.6 ounce metal can of Spaghettio’s that was in a plastic bag.” While speaking with the victim, an officer “observed a large laceration on the top of his head consistent with being struck with the can.”

Ironically, the man would have suffered worse injuries if he actually consumed the SpaghettiOs.

Stand And Deliver

From the very beginning, this little five-year old knew right from wrong. Sure, it helped that his father was a police officer and we raised him to be respectful of others, but in the end, his decisions and actions were his own.

As he grew older, he surrounded himself with others who were not only good friends, but good people. He also separated himself from not-so-good people, like the classmates who spent their weekends drinking in the woods. For the most part, The Boy has been a perfect gentleman and a perfect citizen.

A few weeks ago, he was at a party with his college teammates and many girls from one of the school’s athletic teams. (I am painstakingly trying to not give away information on any of the actors here.) There was alcohol involved, and one male at the location – not an athlete, but a student at the college – was continually harassing one of the female athletes. The Boy’s exact words were “getting rapey” with one of his female friends…

Continue reading “Stand And Deliver”

True Detective Stories

For the record, Zoe Saldana has nothing to do with this post, but if I didn’t post some eye candy, I would have literally lost my mind. This post is more of a play-by-play instead of my usual rambling soliloquies, but the points you need to remember are as follows: rookie cops, assault, and paperwork. Also, take note of the times listed on the right. Let’s begin.

1:18pm – Two officers responded to a report of an assault and observed the first male offender punching the female victim. During the incident, another male jumped on one of the officers and tried to interfere with the arrest.

1:30pm – The officers arrested the two male offenders, and transported the offenders and victim/witnesses to the division.

2:45pm – I walk into work, fifteen minutes early (as usual), and the victim is banging on the window, asking to use the bathroom. The woman stated she had already been in the hallway for nearly an hour, had not been interviewed yet, and was none too pleased…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Have It Her Way

Meet Natasha Ethel Bagley of, well, guess the state. Natasha is a charming woman(?) who occasionally treats herself(?) to fast food. She(?) chose Burger King recently, and apparently became upset when she(?) was not given a five-finger discount for fries.

Natasha Ethel Bagley, 42, and her girlfriend, 27-year-old Genesis Peguero, went to the Burger King April 2 and asked for free fries at the drive thru. When an employee refused, the two women allegedly parked and walked into the restaurant.

This woman(?) is only 42? Holy shnikes!

Peguero hopped over the counter and, with her hands in her pockets, claimed she had a pistol and demanded the manager give them all of the money in the register.

When the unidentified female manager tried to call police, Peguero punched the woman in the face. Police say Bagley joined in, helping Peguero assault the manager.

Good grief, considering the thoroughly feminine body Bagley is sporting, it’s a miracle the manager was not beaten to death. No worries, though, because I hear prison fries are just as good as Burger King’s.

The Empire Gets Struck Back

Jussie Smollett – an actor I literally never heard of until this week – received some bad news from the Chicago Police Department yesterday. After searching through hundreds of hours of surveillance footage, detectives have not found a shred of evidence regarding his alleged racist, homophobic attack by Trump supporters.

Detectives have reviewed surveillance footage of “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett walking to his downtown Chicago apartment after an early morning visit to a Subway restaurant, but none of the video they’ve watched so far showed him being attacked, a police official said Wednesday.

Wow, it’s almost like the crime never happened.

Smollett, who is black and gay and who plays the gay character Jamal Lyon on the hit Fox television show, said the men beat him, subjected him to racist and homophobic insults, threw an “unknown chemical substance” on him and put a thin rope around his neck before fleeing.

So two unknown men just decided to go out in subzero temperatures carrying a noose and a bottle of bleach? Is that the story I’m supposed to believe?

“We haven’t seen anybody, at this point, matching the description he gave, nobody looks menacing and we didn’t find a container anywhere,” Guglielmi said, referring to a container for the liquid that the actor said was thrown at him.

Smollett was allegedly targeted because he is gay – because everyone knows who Jussie Smollett is, especially early in the morning, on the coldest day of the year. He also claimed this ridiculous tidbit…

Some of the outrage stems from Smollett’s account to detectives that his attackers yelled that he was in “MAGA country,” an apparent reference to the Trump campaign’s “Make America Great Again” slogan, which some critics of the president have decried as racist and discriminatory.

Yeah Jussie, Chicago is the city which put President Trump over the top. It’s the reddest state in the union, just after Los Angeles.

Look, it’s technically possible Smollett was attacked, since he apparently had scrapes on his face and he still had the alleged noose around his neck; which is kinda odd. That said, the percentages take a nosedive when you combine the bleach claim, the “MAGA country” quote, the lack of video evidence, the fact Smollett only sought medical treatment after police advised him to do so, plus the fact neither Smollett nor his publicist uttered a word about the alleged crime since it occurred.

There have been more than a few “hate crime” claims from leftists in the past few years, and while some have been confirmed, the majority have been spread by people with an agenda. As a detective, this story has more red flags than a May Day parade.

No Rules, Just Fight

Meet Deana Seltzer of Palm Beach, Flori-duh.

Like most millennials, Deana has an entitlement attitude, so when she told her parents to take her to Outback Steakhouse, she was deadly serious.

Deana Seltzer, 28, was charged with domestic battery, battery on a person 65 years of age or older and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

The victim’s mother told police that Seltzer asked to go to Outback. When the mother said no, that’s when Seltzer became enraged and began punching her chest and arms.

Officials said Seltzer then began running around the home and flipped over a large glass table, recliners and other pieces of furniture. She then ripped a 12-inch decorative knife off a wall and ran toward her father while screaming, “I’m going to [EXPLETIVE] kill you,” officials said.

This bloated blob of protoplasm is twenty-eight years old. What exactly is stopping Deana from taking herself to Outback, besides her dimwittedness and sloth?

Imagine being nearly thirty and still dependent upon your aging parents for literally everything.