Amber’s In Trouble. Haven’t You Heard?

Actress Amber Heard is apparently under criminal investigation by the Land Down Under. An Australian court is investigating Heard for perjury and for smuggling her two dogs into the country without quarantining them.

Actress Amber Heard, who was mocked and criticized after losing her defamation lawsuit against ex-husband Johnny Depp, is reportedly under criminal investigation in Australia.

“The 36-year-old actress is the subject of an ‘ongoing’ perjury investigation related to court proceedings stemming from her infamous visit to Queensland with Depp in 2015, when she broke Australia’s strict quarantine and biosecurity laws by failing to declare the former couple’s Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, when she flew into the country.”

“Heard was charged with two counts of illegally importing the animals in July 2015, however the case was closed when she pled guilty to falsifying travel documents in a Gold Coast court in April 2016.”

After getting trounced during her b.s. domestic violence claims against Johnny Depp, how hilarious would it be if she was arrested for smuggling in two dogs to Australia?

The report said that Australian officials have confirmed that they are currently investigating Heard for perjury for allegedly lying to law enforcement about the circumstances surrounding her importation of the dogs into the country.

It never ceases to amaze me how Hollywood types believe they can get away with anything. Like the WNBA player Brittney Griner, who was caught with narcotics in Russia and thought they would just let her walk away. Griner may be looking at ten years in a Russian prison.

Aussie Woman Accused Of Banging Teen

Meet Australian horse heiress Savannah Daisley. Savannah is obviously a ridiculously gorgeous woman, who any man would love to court. Sadly, Savannah is into 14-year old boysallegedly.

An Australian horse heiress is saddled with charges after being accused of having sex with a 14-year-old boy four times in a single day.

Savannah Daisley, 45, faced Waverley Local Court in Sydney on Tuesday on child sex abuse allegations, with Judge Jaqueline Milledge denying her bail over the “quite disturbing” allegations.

Disturbing for the judge possibly, but the kid considers himself the King of the World!

The glamorous mother of two, who is the daughter of famed Aussie horse breeder Ross Daisley, strongly denies the accusations and intends to plead not guilty.

Cops claim an unbridled Daisley molested the minor four times before 5 p.m. on May 20 last year. It’s unclear whether the pair were known to each other prior to the alleged acts.

I always wondered where these gorgeous women were when I was in high school. Kevin is fourteen, and if this happened to him, I’d… give him a high-five!

She Wants To Get Him “Down Under”

An Australian nurse “collapsed” in front of a hunky Aussie police officer this week, and the purveyors of the internet think the stunt was a ruse to get a date with the officer. For the record, this has NEVER happened to me. Ever.

Dramatic footage of a nurse collapsing in front of a handsome police officer has the internet convinced the young woman had ulterior motives.

In CCTV uploaded by Facebook page Cop Humour on Wednesday, the young nurse is seen walking out of the hospital and across the car park.

As the woman walks past a parked police car she falls to the ground, prompting the young officer to come to her rescue. The nurse pulls herself to her feet she turns to face the approaching cop, leading many to believe the blunder was simply a clever ploy to catch his attention.

If so, she really laid it on thick, but I guarantee the police officer struck up a conversation at the very least. She certainly looks pretty enough from the few frames I’ve seen.

Put Another Wimp On The Barbie

Remember back in the eighties when Australia was all the rage? Mel Gibson was starring in the Mad Max films, Crocodile Dundee was very popular, and Jacko was shilling Energizer batteries. These were manly men living in the most dangerous continent on Earth.

What the hell happened?

A backpacker claims she was asked to leave a restaurant because her outfit was deemed “inappropriate”.

She was patronizing a restaurant at Bondi Beach, where most people probably come in wearing swimsuits.

Martina Corradi said she was left “embarrassed and offended” after being kicked out of the diner in Bondi Beach, Australia.

The Italian holidaymaker, who was wearing a grey crop top and white trousers, was with her boyfriend on Thursday when a staff member approached her. She said she was told it wasn’t how she should dress for a restaurant in front of other customers and was told it was inappropriate.

Not for nothing, but I don’t see how Martina’s attire is “inappropriate” for a beach restaurant. It’s inappropriate for church or possibly the office, but for a beach restaurant? Get the hell outta here.

Personally, I think she looks amazing, and the restaurant staff look like idiots.

No Rules, Just Fright

Australia used to be the most manly country on Planet Earth. They started as a penal colony, evolved into a rugged outback which tested people’s limits, and proved itself as the toughest group of humans anywhere.

Now they go to water over a boob ad.

A photo of an advertisement on the back of a bus urging Australians to splash their JobSeeker payments on a boob job is dividing the internet. The image was posted to Instagram on Friday, and hundreds have commented their outrage.

Gee Australia, when were you guys neutered?

An account by the name of The bell Tower Times posted the photo, with bentooooo_box commenting after someone had questioned if the photo was even real: “It’s real … couldn’t believe my eyes when I was driving behind it this morning.”

Pfft, I would have followed the bus through its entire route.

Cosmetique is the company listed on the advertisement. It has five stores across Western Australia as well as outlets in Victoria and Queensland.

In a statement provided, Cosmetique said the advertisement was designed to be “facetious and memorable” and “to put a smile on people’s faces”.

I can’t speak for the Outbackers, but the ad certainly put a smile on my face.

The Not-So-Purrfect Crime

An Australian cat burglar/Instagram model was arrested again for burglary, after being charged earlier this year for the same crime. Maybe stick to what you know, honey; like showing your cleavage.

An Australian Instagram model with sticky fingers and a penchant for posing as Catwoman has been jailed after being arrested for the second time this year for a series of crimes including masked robberies and shoplifting.

Monique Agostino, 25, was warned by Magistrate Jacqueline Milledge last year that her life was “going down the toilet,” leading Agostino to make a veiled threat that if she harmed herself in the slammer, it would be the jurist’s fault.

The former modeling entrepreneur, real estate agent and social media influencer began her life of crime about two years ago when she drove several teenagers to commit burglaries in Sydney.

The busty blonde — who has posted on Instagram as Catwoman — and the boys wore masks as they used a chisel to break open doors to businesses, including the Pound of Pizza restaurant on Nov. 6, 2018, when they were captured on video.

You see, Monique, to be a successful burglar, it’s imperative to steal items while undetected. If you’re 0-for2 on that count, you should probably consider another profession. I mean, have you really taken the time to think this through?

Maybe the Instagram model is more your thing. You’ll attract more than enough male followers, and no one cares how many criminal convictions a model racks up. (See also: Paris Hilton.)

A River Runs Through Her

Meet Elsa Pataky. Elsa is an actress who happens to be married Chris “Thor” Hemsworth. The couple live in Australia, where men and men and women are usually hardcore. Usually.

A few days of rain in Byron Bay, Australia left Elsa Pataky rather stuck — literally.

Pataky, married to fellow actor Chris Hemsworth, documented her experience getting caught in a flood while driving Monday. The actress, 44, was trapped in her car and ended up having to escape through her window, she explained on her Instagram Story.

So this dumbass drove through the streets after two days of torrential rain? Someone revoke this chick’s Outback card.

As she showed the water rising around her, the Fast and Furious star remained optimistic. She teased herself in the next slide, writing “great job, Elsa.”

Then, Pataky showed her triumphant escape, climbing out of the window and wading through the water towards two of her children, who were standing on an area of the road that was not yet flooded.

Elsa apparently was more concerned with losing her vehicle than her two young children waiting for the floodwaters to wash them all the way to Perth.

But sure, Elsa; you’re the greatest Australian hero since Jacko.

Won’t Someone Think About The Hookers?

While the elderly are passing on from Wuhan virus complications, there is a more important section of society who is really, truly hurting: sex workers.

Australia’s peak sex worker organisation the Scarlet Alliance has warned against police “targeting” sex workers as the impact of the coronavirus lockdown continues to hamper the industry.

Restrictions on travel and “non-essential” visits have been hitting hard for people like Paige*, who has been a sex worker “on and off” for five years. It’s her major source of income, but as a subcontractor, she only gets paid if she gets a booking and for the past couple of months, bookings have for obvious reasons dried up.

I doubt that’s not the only thing which dried up.

While preventing the unwelcome return of the government’s intervention into the sex lives of consenting adults, the grey area left is even less clear for Paige and other sex workers.

She believes in some cases, sex work should be considered an essential service – particularly if the client is “physically or mentally challenged”.

I agree, and since no one in America is more mentally and physically challenged than I am, it’s only fair I get a discount from my friendly neighborhood Aussie call girls.

Be Prepared To Be Boarded!

Meet Cheya Handley of Australia. Cheya is a deckhand on a luxury yacht who loves the open seas, especially when there’s a chance of open legs.

A deckhand on a luxury yacht in Australia pleaded guilty to negligence for having drunken sex with the captain when the unhelmed charter boat crashed, causing $140,000 worth of damage.

Cheya Handley, 26, admitted in court to guzzling booze and hooking up on the bow of the 80-foot Crystal Blue with the skipper, as the pair returned the vessel from Brisbane to the Gold Coast on March 3, 2018.

“Yeah, I did the wrong thing, drinking on the job. I should have known better, I screwed up big-time,” Handley said in a recorded interview with a maritime safety inspector played in court. “We were chatting, laying down, looking at the stars and then got it on,” she said.

With no one at the helm or serving as lookout, the boat hit a navigation beacon and then crashed into a moored yacht before running aground.

Handley and the captain caused $140,000 worth of damage. Looking at Cheya, it was totally worth it!

Put Another Pimp On The Barbie

After reading about Connecticut’s burning baseball field, the good people of Australia have cried out, “Challenge accepted. Hold my Foster’s!”

A man, 23, and woman, 31, boarded a public Hunter Valley Bus last Friday morning about 9.50am in Lake Macquarie on their way to Toronto. Some time into their journey, the couple began masturbating. They then took off their clothes and engaged in other lewd acts on the bus, which had other travellers on board.

When the driver, 59, became aware of the activity, he asked them to stop and get off the bus. At this point, the man and woman became verbally aggressive. The man spat at the driver before he got off the bus with the woman at Warners Bay.

After being kicked off the first bus, the couple tried to board a second bus which pulled up where they’d been thrown out.

They are certainly a tenacious couple. I like their spunk. Phrasing.