I’d Drink If I Was Married To Her, Too

This story is a few days old, but I wanted to comment (read: laugh) on the sad (read: hilarious) arrest of Nancy Pelosi’s husband after he was found driving under the influence.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi distanced herself — almost literally — from her husband’s drunk driving arrest after a crash over the weekend.

A statement issued by Drew Hammill, a Pelosi spokesman, drew attention to the fact that the speaker was a continent away from her husband, Paul, at the time of the incident. Nancy Pelosi was the speaker Sunday for the commencement of Brown University in Rhode Island.

Pelosi apparently claimed she “had nothing to do with it.” Wow, that sounds like a very loving couple who would never rat out each other.

“The speaker will not be commenting on this private matter which occurred while she was on the East Coast,” the statement said.

Wow, that’s interesting, because when it’s a Republican getting in trouble, this bitch demands an explanation and suggests said Republican resign. It’s almost like there are two sets of laws.

Placing The Bow On The Package

Nevada state troopers had their hands full last week, when a crazed motorist rammed the rear-end of a motorcycle, knocking the cyclist onto the road and continued driving… with the motorcycle dragging behind the vehicle.

According to state police, troopers responded to southbound U.S. 95 near Sunset Road for a crash involving a motorcyclist around 6:45 p.m., April 8.

Witnesses who pulled over to render aid to the motorcyclist told troopers that a man driving recklessly and struck the rear-end of the motorcycle. The Acura continued southbound dragging the motorcycle underneath the car.

That’s not even the most bizarre detail of this story…

Witnesses told troopers that the man driving the Acura ran from the car, and was armed with a bow and arrow, and was shooting the arrows at passing vehicles.

Wow, those Dungeons and Dragons players really take the game seriously.

Troopers, along with Henderson police located the man driving the Acura and placed him into custody without incident. The driver of Acura was identified as Ronnie Macias.

The good news is Macias looks exactly what you’d expect from a man shooting arrows at vehicles.

The Most Bizarre Accident Evah

A Florida man was killed after his vehicle struck an eleven foot alligator which was crossing the road. The gator was also killed.

John Hopkins, 59, was driving east on County Road 672 in Lithia, about two miles west of County Road 39, when he struck an 11-foot alligator in the roadway. Lithia is about 25 miles east of Tampa.

Wow, the man who died was named John Hopkins? Weird.

Hopkins’ car “veered off the road” and turned into a ditch, where a passing driver noticed it and called 911, the sheriff’s office said. Hopkins and the alligator were both deceased when detectives arrived on the scene.

What a terrible story, but the detectives did reward themselves with brand new luggage.

Naked Crunch

So a mentally deranged Ontario man was arrested after causing an auto accident after the driver in front of him was going “too slow.” The man skidded down the street, before jumping out of the vehicle.

Oh, did I mention the man was naked?

Sit back, relax, and read the most bizarre story I have ever heard.

The incident occurred on Saturday in the area of Jamieson Parkway and Lardner Street, captured by a Hespeler man’s home security system. The nature of the impact becomes a bit clearer when a completely naked dude emerges from the white Volkswagen Tiguan SUV, fumbling to cover himself with a towel as he stumbles dazed from the scene.

The video resumes a few minutes later when EMS crews arrive on the scene. The naked man can then be seen emerging from the vehicle of the assisting bystander and, clearly in distress, ditches the towel and walks right back into his damaged car, attempting to drive off.

The man was able to get into his damaged car, but could not drive away.

More bystanders then cooperate to recapture the man, one woman attempting to hop in the vehicle and remove the man, and other cars working together to box in the damaged SUV.

His vehicular escape attempt thwarted, the nude escapee continued his run on foot. But instead of distancing himself from the crime scene, he ran right back to familiar territory — a pretty clear sign that this man was in need of medical or mental health assistance.

Trust me when I tell you, you really need to read the story at the link, and the fabulous video taken from a resident’s outdoor camera.

More Fun Than 100 Monkeys

Police and fire rescue responded to an auto accident in Danville, Pennsylvania when they realized humans were not the only ones hurt. The truck was carrying one hundred monkeys, and at least three escaped.

This is definitely the perfect investigation for Diego the Idiot Detective.

A truck carrying about 100 monkeys was involved in a crash Friday in Pennsylvania, state police said as authorities searched for at least three of the monkeys that appeared to have escaped the vehicle.

The truck carrying the animals crashed with a dump truck in the afternoon in Montour County, Pennsylvania State Police Trooper Andrea Pelachick told the Daily Item. The truck had been on its way to a lab, Pelachick said.

This is exactly how the Planet of the Apes began.

Someone Give This Guy A Hand

The Maryland State Police had an exciting evening recently, after a pickup truck slammed into one of their police cruisers. The driver was allegedly intoxicated, but he also had some other issues.

Last Friday at 1:55am, firefighters arrived at the scene of a DUI crash involving a Maryland State Police cruiser and a building.

A Chevy pickup struck the police SUV first, and then headed right into a East Coast Investments office building.

At that point police apprehended the driver of the pickup, Dayton James Webber of Charlotte Hall, who just happened to be a quadruple amputee.

One wonders what the offender’s defense could possibly be. “Yes sir, I realize I have no limbs, but I really thought I could competently drive my truck after drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser.”

There Are Idiots In Texas?

2019 Ford Expedition Texas Edition Badge

When you really like a certain part of the country, it’s difficult to reconcile the fact some stone cold morons may live there. Such is apparently the case in Texas – who knew? – where an impatient dumbass almost got more than a few people killed.

To wit:

This is a video from Texas of some jackass in a Toyota Tundra who’s decided he’s tired of sitting in 10MPH traffic and drives over the pylons into the HOV lane, immediately getting rear-ended by a Ford F-150 that was doing near 70MPH (at least before that driver saw him), almost causing it to flip over the Jersey wall into oncoming traffic. What a dumbass.

For 1) if you have to drive over pylons to do something, they’re there for a reason and you know you’re not supposed to be doing it. And 2) HOV stands for High Occupancy Vehicle, meaning you have to have at least two (and sometimes three) people in the car to drive in the lane, not just a brain filled with enough stupid for six people.

Look, everyone has been stuck in traffic – apparently Texas traffic is awful – but sane people like me wait it out while calling every driver around them c-words and wishing they die in a fire. See? I’m reasonable.

You can see the idiocy below the fold…

Nationwide Is On Everyone Else’s Side

So after two phone calls and two voice messages, our Nationwide agent finally called Kyle Friday night – four days after his accident.

The woman asked to speak with Kyle, and he took the phone into his room to tell his side of the story in relative peace. A few minutes later, he came downstairs and handed me the phone. The agent wanted to speak of the owner of the Saturn, and I figured I could give her some background on the incident.

Shockingly, she didn’t want to hear it.

“After talking to your son and the other driver, it appears we will be finding Kyle liable for the accident. The other driver claimed she went through a yellow light, and Kyle claimed it was red when he made the turn.”

I immediately interjected: “Excuse me, but how could it be yellow for her and red for my son if they entered the intersection at the same time?” The bitch had no answer for that, so I realized the fix was in. Our insurance company was siding with the older, more experienced driver over my son, the new driver. The agent then admitted she did not see the police report yet.

“Well I did, and I had it the evening of the accident. Who do you think has more reason to lie, the striking vehicle or the vehicle which was struck?”

Again, no answer, but she did have a question: “Do you think you could scan and email that report for me?” I initially said yes, but after promising an email immediately, I changed my mind after an hour of waiting. Why should I give this woman a professional courtesy when she already made up her mind?

Once we give the repair money to the piece of shit who t-boned my car, we’ll immediately be dropping Nationwide after two decades of coverage. If this is how they treat their customers, I want no part of them.

I will also remember this incident next time they call my division – which insurance companies do often – asking for information on burglaries and auto accidents.

History Repeating

So I’m at work last night, when I received a text message from Kyle…

“Me and Ant were in my car – heh, he thinks it’s his – turning on Conwell when someone sped around the first car in line and clipped the back of the car and drive off. Nothing is broken except in the back corner. It’s cracked a lot.”

Kyle followed up with, “F**king a**holes need to be publicly executed.”

He’s not wrong. I told Kyle to bring the car home, since the accident occurred a block from our house. Mrs. Earp was at karate with Kevin and Julia, and I was at work. A few moments later, I get another text saying he found the twat who was driving the vehicle. He took a photo of her license plate, sent it to me and said the woman called police to make a report. I told Kyle to stay there with Ant – the witness – and be polite to the officer.

The officer arrived and conducted an investigation. The female was found to be the striking vehicle, because her front fender was cracked, while Kyle’s rear was hit. Kyle said the woman as arguing with the officer, while he was polite. He said the officer probably liked him because he called Kyle, “Bro.”

The district was kind enough to send me a copy of the report, and yes, the woman who was at fault was listed as the striking vehicle. That’ll go a long way toward repairing the rear bumper of an antique 2007 Saturn VUE.

Oh, and for the record, neither Kyle nor Anthony had any injuries.

I Know A Lot About Head Injuries…

So after being bullied by my younger sister – the evil nurse – I trotted off to the hospital to get my melon checked. Being a police detective, I think I know more about my glorious naked body than most doctors and nurses, but I went through the motions.

The E.R. was ridiculous. Arguably twenty people in the waiting room, and all of them with real issues; as opposed to my head bump. So, I waited patiently. It was easy because my head still felt awful and I was having sporadic dizziness. Nothing serious, just bothersome.

The nurse brought me to a room and I told her about the accident, my head and neck pain, and the mild dizziness. They gave my ibuprofen – which worked as well as the Tylenol – spoiler alert: it didn’t – checked my head and neck, and ordered a neck x-ray.

The doc’s first prognosis was a concussion, but they needed to check the x-rays. A half hour after heading to radiology, the x-rays arrived. No Injuries, but some arthritis. Go figure. The doc stuck with his first instinct – the concussion – and ordered at least a day or rest, and no computer. (That’s why I was absent yesterday.) I need to follow-up with my primary doctor next week to make sure there are no lingering injuries.

I’m not sure how I didn’t remember this, but the nurse asked if the striking vehicle’s airbags deployed. Both of the front bags did after the car hit mine. I guess that gives me an idea of how fast the car was going when it hit me. It wasn’t a love tap.

Anyway, they found nothing else in my head – obviously – and I can return to work Friday.