Someone Give This Guy A Hand

The Maryland State Police had an exciting evening recently, after a pickup truck slammed into one of their police cruisers. The driver was allegedly intoxicated, but he also had some other issues.

Last Friday at 1:55am, firefighters arrived at the scene of a DUI crash involving a Maryland State Police cruiser and a building.

A Chevy pickup struck the police SUV first, and then headed right into a East Coast Investments office building.

At that point police apprehended the driver of the pickup, Dayton James Webber of Charlotte Hall, who just happened to be a quadruple amputee.

One wonders what the offender’s defense could possibly be. “Yes sir, I realize I have no limbs, but I really thought I could competently drive my truck after drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser.”

There Are Idiots In Texas?

2019 Ford Expedition Texas Edition Badge

When you really like a certain part of the country, it’s difficult to reconcile the fact some stone cold morons may live there. Such is apparently the case in Texas – who knew? – where an impatient dumbass almost got more than a few people killed.

To wit:

This is a video from Texas of some jackass in a Toyota Tundra who’s decided he’s tired of sitting in 10MPH traffic and drives over the pylons into the HOV lane, immediately getting rear-ended by a Ford F-150 that was doing near 70MPH (at least before that driver saw him), almost causing it to flip over the Jersey wall into oncoming traffic. What a dumbass.

For 1) if you have to drive over pylons to do something, they’re there for a reason and you know you’re not supposed to be doing it. And 2) HOV stands for High Occupancy Vehicle, meaning you have to have at least two (and sometimes three) people in the car to drive in the lane, not just a brain filled with enough stupid for six people.

Look, everyone has been stuck in traffic – apparently Texas traffic is awful – but sane people like me wait it out while calling every driver around them c-words and wishing they die in a fire. See? I’m reasonable.

You can see the idiocy below the fold…

Nationwide Is On Everyone Else’s Side

So after two phone calls and two voice messages, our Nationwide agent finally called Kyle Friday night – four days after his accident.

The woman asked to speak with Kyle, and he took the phone into his room to tell his side of the story in relative peace. A few minutes later, he came downstairs and handed me the phone. The agent wanted to speak of the owner of the Saturn, and I figured I could give her some background on the incident.

Shockingly, she didn’t want to hear it.

“After talking to your son and the other driver, it appears we will be finding Kyle liable for the accident. The other driver claimed she went through a yellow light, and Kyle claimed it was red when he made the turn.”

I immediately interjected: “Excuse me, but how could it be yellow for her and red for my son if they entered the intersection at the same time?” The bitch had no answer for that, so I realized the fix was in. Our insurance company was siding with the older, more experienced driver over my son, the new driver. The agent then admitted she did not see the police report yet.

“Well I did, and I had it the evening of the accident. Who do you think has more reason to lie, the striking vehicle or the vehicle which was struck?”

Again, no answer, but she did have a question: “Do you think you could scan and email that report for me?” I initially said yes, but after promising an email immediately, I changed my mind after an hour of waiting. Why should I give this woman a professional courtesy when she already made up her mind?

Once we give the repair money to the piece of shit who t-boned my car, we’ll immediately be dropping Nationwide after two decades of coverage. If this is how they treat their customers, I want no part of them.

I will also remember this incident next time they call my division – which insurance companies do often – asking for information on burglaries and auto accidents.

History Repeating

So I’m at work last night, when I received a text message from Kyle…

“Me and Ant were in my car – heh, he thinks it’s his – turning on Conwell when someone sped around the first car in line and clipped the back of the car and drive off. Nothing is broken except in the back corner. It’s cracked a lot.”

Kyle followed up with, “F**king a**holes need to be publicly executed.”

He’s not wrong. I told Kyle to bring the car home, since the accident occurred a block from our house. Mrs. Earp was at karate with Kevin and Julia, and I was at work. A few moments later, I get another text saying he found the twat who was driving the vehicle. He took a photo of her license plate, sent it to me and said the woman called police to make a report. I told Kyle to stay there with Ant – the witness – and be polite to the officer.

The officer arrived and conducted an investigation. The female was found to be the striking vehicle, because her front fender was cracked, while Kyle’s rear was hit. Kyle said the woman as arguing with the officer, while he was polite. He said the officer probably liked him because he called Kyle, “Bro.”

The district was kind enough to send me a copy of the report, and yes, the woman who was at fault was listed as the striking vehicle. That’ll go a long way toward repairing the rear bumper of an antique 2007 Saturn VUE.

Oh, and for the record, neither Kyle nor Anthony had any injuries.

I Know A Lot About Head Injuries…

So after being bullied by my younger sister – the evil nurse – I trotted off to the hospital to get my melon checked. Being a police detective, I think I know more about my glorious naked body than most doctors and nurses, but I went through the motions.

The E.R. was ridiculous. Arguably twenty people in the waiting room, and all of them with real issues; as opposed to my head bump. So, I waited patiently. It was easy because my head still felt awful and I was having sporadic dizziness. Nothing serious, just bothersome.

The nurse brought me to a room and I told her about the accident, my head and neck pain, and the mild dizziness. They gave my ibuprofen – which worked as well as the Tylenol – spoiler alert: it didn’t – checked my head and neck, and ordered a neck x-ray.

The doc’s first prognosis was a concussion, but they needed to check the x-rays. A half hour after heading to radiology, the x-rays arrived. No Injuries, but some arthritis. Go figure. The doc stuck with his first instinct – the concussion – and ordered at least a day or rest, and no computer. (That’s why I was absent yesterday.) I need to follow-up with my primary doctor next week to make sure there are no lingering injuries.

I’m not sure how I didn’t remember this, but the nurse asked if the striking vehicle’s airbags deployed. Both of the front bags did after the car hit mine. I guess that gives me an idea of how fast the car was going when it hit me. It wasn’t a love tap.

Anyway, they found nothing else in my head – obviously – and I can return to work Friday.

Transferred To The Strike Force

This is what’s left of the vehicle who plowed into the rear of my car yesterday. From what I could surmise, the front of the vehicle was totaled. Let’s backtrack a bit.

One of the main roads I take to work includes a century-old bridge. The bridge spans a small creek, and it is due for repair. Unfortunately, the construction covers all three roads in the area, so I need to find alternate – and lengthier – routes. The route I chose yesterday was one with a steep downhill, and it is always congested with traffic.

A group of cars were stopped at a red light in front of me, and I decided to be nice and allow a few cars to cross in front of me to make a tricky turn. I was stopped, listening to the radio, when it felt like a runaway train hit me from behind. No screeches, no horns, just peace and quiet… before the violent strike.

My neck flew back against the headrest, but I kept my foot on the brakes so as to not hit anyone else. I’m sure the car wasn’t traveling too fast, but it felt like the other driver was flying down the hill at 55 miles per hour. I pulled over and made sure this jackass followed me. I stepped out of the car – with my police jacket on – identified myself, told the man not to wander off, and screamed F-bombs for about thirty seconds.

You see, I was not driving my car, per se; I was driving my mother’s 2005 Jeep Liberty. Since she went into the home, we’ve had the Jeep at our house and are currently getting it transferred to us. Kyle can use my Saturn, and I will use the Jeep. I’ve been driving it for about two weeks, and someone plows into me. Awesome.

When I calmed down, I called police radio and let them know an off-duty officer was involved in an auto accident. I told them to NOT put out the call as an assist officer, because I was fine – more or less – and the other driver was not fleeing. I demanded the man’s license, registration, and insurance. I received two of the three. Guess what he didn’t have? Insurance.

The man was alone in the vehicle, probably looking at his phone when he struck me. He was also a Jamaican national, and presented a “Jamaican driver’s license,” which usually turns out to be fake. That’s specifically why I asked for a patrol officer.

The officer arrived after about a half hour – the crash occurred in a busy part of the city – and (shock) he used to work in my division. The officer looked at Bob Marley’s car (above), then at mine, and said, “Do you even have damage?” The rear bumper had a small crack, but nothing more. I swore from then on, I am always going to buy a Jeep. Those mothers are tough. Marley complained about his damage – even though he was at fault – and the officer replied, “Next time, buy a Jeep.”

So, despite the accident, and the tiny bit of damage, my head hurts, my neck hurts, and I have a splitting headache. I obviously didn’t make it to work, and today is up in the air. If I don’t feel well by 2pm, I’m staying home, but I think I’ll be good.

So, how was your weekend?

Drunken Politician Involved In Accident

Twice-failed presidential candidate and local drunkard Hillary Clinton was involved in an auto accident on the way to a fundraiser for indicted Democrat Bob Meenendez.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was involved in a minor car accident in New Jersey on Tuesday prior to a fundraiser for Sen. Bob Menendez.

According to a video obtained by NTK Network, Clinton’s Secret Service van pulled into a parking garage and headed up the ramp before crashing and halting to a stop. The van appeared to turn too tightly while heading up the ramp, hitting a concrete pole.

In fairness, Hillary beeped the horn, but the concrete pole never moved.

The new-look GOP tweeted about the incident in a very Graham-esque fashion…

Spilling The (Jelly) Beans

When you have the right connections, it’s easy to save money on food purchases. In fact, I saved a ton of cash on Easter candy this year after a firefighter friend hooked me up.

The accident happened shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday on Route 100 at County Line Road in Douglass Township, Montgomery County, just outside Boyertown.

A box truck and minivan collided at the intersection. The impact of the crash caused the passenger side of the truck to split open, allowing for some of the three to five tons of Easter treats the truck was hauling to spill onto the roadway.

One of the firefighters claimed the candy was “contaminated” by diesel fuel, but my kids couldn’t tell the difference. They have been complaining of double vision, but it’s probably nothing.