You Can Take That To The Bank!

Meet Joshua Snavely of Ocala, Florida.

Joshua decided he needed a little extra cash, so he decided to head to the bank, approach the teller, and hand her a demand note. You can guess how this all ended.

Joshua Snavely, 36, was arrested Saturday at a Bank of America branch at 2326 E. Silver Springs Blvd, according to the police report.

Officers said Snavely approached the window and read the teller a prepared note, saying that he was robbing the bank and that she was to give him money. The teller looked to a coworker who then activated the alarm.

Police said both tellers then went to the back of the bank and called police, offering a description from the surveillance video.

Wait for it…

When officers arrived at the bank, they said they found Snavely still standing in the same spot in front of the teller window.

So this genius just sat there for an unlimited amount of time waiting for police to arrive. Thanks for the easy pinch, dullard. I’ll bet you were voted Most Likely To Be A Dumbass in high school.

The Mummy Lives

When they aren’t illegally spying on American citizens or attempting a coup on a duly elected president, the FBI occasionally investigates real crimes. In this case, they’re looking for a mummy robbing banks.

Authorities in Texas are on the search for a bank robber they have dubbed the “Mummy Marauder.” The robbery took place on Friday the 13th at the First Convenience Bank in Harris County.

The FBI in Houston described the suspect as a black male in his early 20s standing about 5’11.” The suspect wrapped white gauze around his face and arms, the FBI said. He also wore a wig and baseball cap.

Now, I’m no detective, but Texas may want to put out an APB on Lil Jon.

Gonna Make You Sweat

The FBI is looking for a woman they dubbed the “sweatpant bandit,” who has been committing bank robberies in Oklahoma City. Apparently the amazing economy hasn’t reached the flatlands yet.

“She enters the bank, and it’s a verbal demand,” said Andrea Anderson, Public Affairs Specialist for the FBI Oklahoma City. “Very aggressive. She’s left each bank with an undisclosed amount.”

So far, the ‘Sweatpant Bandit’ has robbed four Oklahoma City metro banks, hitting one of them twice. She’s committed one robbery a month from December to May but skipped March.

Apparently she was busy watching March Madness, since I doubt she’s a big Easter fan.

“One of the things that we would ask folks to be on the lookout is that she does show up in very heavy sweatpant attire, full length sweatpants from head to toe, a hoodie over her head, dark sunglasses,” Anderson said.

She’s described as a 5’3 to 5’6 white female, weighs about 110 lbs, is in her late 30s to mid 40s and sometimes carrying a floral print bag.

So the FBI just described every teenage girl in Philadelphia. Don’t believe me, try driving through Northeast Philadelphia, and count the number of teenagers – and twenty-somethings – walking the streets in their sweatpants and slippers. I am not kidding.

Little Green Bag

Meet David Hamson.

David fancies himself a modern-day John Dillinger. Instead, he turned into pubic enema number one.

Just before 5:30 p.m., a man entered America First Credit Union, claimed to have a gun and demanded money from two tellers, said Unified Police Lt. Brian Lohrke.

After the man received an undisclosed amount of cash in a bag, he ran out to his car, which was stolen. But when he got there, he realized he had left the keys on the counter inside the bank.

The man then attempted to run off, but his money bag snagged on something and ripped. Money then started flying out of his bag, Lohrke said. Witnesses saw the man running and directed police officers to where he was last spotted.

Police arrested David Hamson, a short time later in a neighborhood just west of the bank. Lohrke said a “good portion” of the money was recovered, but investigators believe some of the money went down a storm drain.

Since this happened in Utah, every single sewer dollar will be dried, pressed, and returned to the bank by some fine Mormon gentleman.

This Guy Is No Longer “Making Bank”

Meet Alberto Saavedra Lopez, common spelling.

Alberto is not someone we would call “Arizona’s best and brightest,” as you will see in the following article.

Alberto Saavedra Lopez, 32, was arrested last week for felony theft after he arrived at the Cottonwood Police Department for a job interview to become a dispatcher.

Police said in a statement that Lopez allegedly stole $5,000 at a Bank of America in Cottonwood between July and September of 2016. Bank officials suspected Lopez, a former employee.

Lopez moved to Phoenix after the theft and kept missing appointments with investigators. An arrest warrant was issued, but Lopez avoided police detection for more than a year. In December, Lopez applied for a dispatch position at the Cottonwood Police Department.

Incredibly, the position required a background check, and Alberto Not-Smarto’s arrest warrant popped up on their screen. Alberto did not get the job, but he did land a reservation at the county jail.

Always Bet On Crack

Meet Kerry Johnson of West Virginia. West Virginia struggles with a stereotype which claims its residents are stupid, inbred hicks.

Sadly, Mr. Johnson does nothing to quell this stereotype.

Kerry Johnson said that “most of the day was a blur” on Aug. 2 of last year and, initially, he didn’t remember leaving the casino to rob the City National Bank on Bridge Road in the South Hills neighborhood of Charleston.

Prosecutors said around 10 a.m. on that day, Johnson got up from a blackjack table at the casino, put down a $25 chip to hold his spot and then drove to the bank.

Once inside, Johnson handed a teller a note, saying he had a bomb and a weapon. Johnson got away with about $5,000 in cash, assistant Kanawha prosecutor Fred Giggenbach said.

“He went back to the casino and lost more money,” Giggenbach said.

So this rocket surgeon leaves the casino, robs the bank of $5,000, then immediately loses the booty at the casino? Man, you are one pathetic loser.

Driving Miss Crazy

Meet Chelsea Raye Wilson of, you guessed it, Florida.

Ever the self-starter, Chelsea wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture… and rob them. Unlike many U.S. companies, however, Chelsea kept her hiring in house.

A man driving his daughter to a bank robbery told authorities he thought he was driving her to a job interview.

When the woman returned to her father’s SUV with a large amount of cash, the father told authorities he thought his daughter had gotten an advance payment at her new job.

Daddy Dearest is either the world’s worst liar or the dumbest man in Florida. Think about that for a moment: the dumbest man… in Florida.

The robbery happened at about 4 p.m. Thursday. Authorities say Chelsea Wilson, 24, of Hollywood, walked into the TD Bank at 1215 SE 17th St. in Fort Lauderdale, wearing an outfit that included a red wig, hat and sunglasses.

She handed a teller a note that read, “You have exactly one minute to give me all your $50 & $100 bills from both drawers or I will shoot you! No dye packs, no alarms follow these instructions and no one will get hurt, act normal,” according to the criminal complaint. (H/T – Jim F.)

Wilson confessed to four other bank robberies, each one a federal offense. By the time Chelsea sees the light of day, she’ll be able to view the premiere of Rocky 38.

Lock, Crock, And Barrel

Delaware is the white bread of states. It is not interesting enough to be celebrated, and not boring enough to be derided. It just sits there, unnoticed, like Jennifer Garner.

That said, once in a great while a story emanates from the First State which makes you think, “Wait, Delaware is still a thing?”

Delaware State Police said 21-year-old Joseph Rosado entered an Artisan Bank in Wilmington brandishing a handgun on Monday. Rosado demanded cash from two tellers, who gave him an undisclosed amount.

Troopers say Rosado left the bank and ran to a car, but had locked himself out. He ran away but was quickly caught by a New Castle County Police officer. (H/T – TXNick)

So you remembered the handgun, but forgot your car keys? I’ll give you a C- with the opportunity to earn extra credit if you don’t get raped in federal prison.