I Found My Post-Retirement Career!

After the collapse of New York City, those trapped behind the wall are feeling rather unsteady. Murders are up, robberies are up, assaults are up, and people are looking for a little extra protection.

Now, thanks to Bond Bodyguards, you can purchase protection for those days you may have to drive through Harlem or the Bronx.

Unsure about my abilities to deliver a damning blow, I found the next best thing: a personal security app, called Bond, that offers trained bodyguards you can book by the half-hour on demand.

It’s body men for the everyman, not just high-profile politicians and celebs. I decided to test it out and hired a guard to meet me outside my apartment, on a busy corner in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn. It was like booking an Uber, except in this case, I got a few pre-screening calls from HQ about any known threats (no) and whether I wanted my guy to be armed (yes).

Protecting lovely, frightened New York women? Pfft, where do I sign?

My guard, a 6-foot-1 dude named Ira, had spent most of his career in the NYPD Intelligence Bureau, a job which included protecting presidents, foreign dignitaries, the dalai lama and the pope. So, as the former treasurer of my eighth grade class, I felt reasonably safe.

Ira’s services cost $87.50 for three and a half hours, which was half off thanks to promotional pricing.

I can do Bond one better. I’ll charge $80 for three and a half hours if the client wears something frilly. Obviously that applies only to the women. Well, hot women… with big boobs.