Kroger Kriminal Kicked To Kurb

Meet Cora Hennig of Nashville, Tennessee.

Cora is a lonely, bored housewife with nothing to do all day but sit and drink. Cora doesn’t drink alone, however; she heads to the local Kroger’s where she lets shoppers enjoy the full Cora experience.

40-year-old Cora Hennig was charged with public intoxication after police responded to a brawl at Kroger and she blatantly admitted to drinking.

Whoa, this chick is only forty? Good lord woman, dial it back a bit!

On September 21st, Metro Nashville Officers responded to Kroger located at 800 Monroe Street in reference to Cora Hennig fighting with another individual.

When police arrived both parties denied fighting, but Cora freely admitted to drinking. Officers observed she had slurred speech, red watery eyes, and was unsteady on her feet. According to the affidavit, Cora is drunk daily on Kroger’s property or in that general area.

Readers, take a note. If I decide to move to Tennessee, make sure I steer clear of Nashville.

California Water Park Is Aptly Named

The Raging Waters water park was closed Sunday after a forty-person brawl ensued, nearly killing a man. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The 40-person brawl began around 3:30 p.m. by the Lazy River picnic area after a disagreement between two women over who took whose beach towel, said Everest Robillard, the Cal Expo police chief.

Christopher Neves, a 35-year-old Modesto resident, tried to break up the fight but was attacked by three other people who jumped in after him. The fight grew to about 40 participants, with a smaller group trading blows and the rest exchanging insults.

Officers arrived and found Neves without a pulse or heartbeat for an unknown amount of time. Robillard said CPR was administered on scene, and his heartbeat returned before he was carried out on a gurney and transported to UC Davis Medical Center.

So a man nearly died over a f**king towel. What the hell is wrong with this country?

Who Wants Chicken And Waffles?

Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a quaint little city whose claim to fame is milk, pretzels, and the Amish. Like most rural towns, Lancaster has a kickass Waffle House… and by that I mean you can get your ass kicked there.

The brawl Sunday at the restaurant in Lancaster pitted members of one family against three other women. In addition to hair pulling and haymakers, some of the suspects threw utensils and other items snatched off tables. Manheim Township police collared the quintet of brawlers for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

Cops identified the defendants as Deborah Shivers, 56; Tyneisha Shivers, 37; Latonia Shivers, 31; and Mercedes Shivers, 25, (each of whom lives in nearby Reading). The fifth woman, Tonisha Shivers, 37, resides in Dallas, Texas.

This family obviously had a few bones to pick, but I’m sure they will eventually iron out their problems.