Brooklyn’s Getting A Little… Anxious

The residents of a Brooklyn Sex House – how it that a thing? – are starting to lose their minds from the lack of sex, thanks to the Chinese Wuhan Virus restrictions. Congratulations kids, this is what marriage feels like. /zing

After 10 months of social distancing, the residents of Brooklyn’s communal “sex houses” are frustrated, to say the least.

“I’d give my left testicle to go to an orgy,” said Kenneth Play, co-founder of Hacienda Villa. Play is one of more than 30 residents, ranging from ages 20-45, who live in the three Bushwick houses (the Lodge, Villa and Tower) operated by the Hacienda sex club.

I wonder if it’s called than because of all the Puerto Ricans? I denounce myself.

Along with the residents, the club has more than 700 members. Before the pandemic, the roommates hosted bacchanals at the Villa once or twice a month. Hundreds of Hacienda members would flirt, soak nude in the backyard hot tub or descend to the mood-lit basement to get it on.

In 2019, the club hosted 19 “play parties” — orgies — as well as 45 other events. In 2020, there were only five before the pandemic.

With all due respect to Brooklyn, I imagine this entire house walks around nude, and the guys constantly shout, “Hey, I’m yanking here!”

“Sexual isolation was difficult to grapple with,” said Violet, a resident and party planner who, like others, asked to withhold her last name.

Actually, I have no problem grappling my… well, I’ve said too much.