Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting

A group of five churchgoing teenagers were arrested this week after leading police officers on a high-speed chase through Florida’s highways. Leave it to cops to stop the cherubs from having a good time.

This is a video of teens leading a high speed chase in Florida before coming to a crashing stop on the highway.

Police were called Wednesday for a report of a Fort Lauderdale home being burglarized while people were inside. They got away, but not before police were provided with a description of their vehicle. When cops caught up to the getaway car and tried to pull it over, the suspects refused. Video of the chase shows police vehicles hanging back as the driver appears to make a sudden right turn – across three lanes – and hit at least one other car, barrel into a guardrail and strike an SUV before overturning and spinning to a stop.

The Fort Lauderdale Police Department said five juveniles were taken into custody from inside the car.

The writer was fretting about how the awful police officers handled the poor little cherubs after the car rolled over. You know, because risking people’s lives on a major highway should be handled with grace and aplomb.

You can see the mayhem – and the hilarious aftermath – below the fold…

Continue reading “Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting”

Dude Brought A Knife To A Gunfight

Meet Dylan Jones of Flori-Duh.

Dylan was looking for some action, and instead of checking out some Florida babes, he chose another path… by breaking into a man’s residence and threatening him with knives. Jones should have used the knifes to cut that hair. Hippie.

A shirtless 19-year-old man knocked on apartment doors with a knife in each hand Tuesday morning before making his way into an apartment and telling officers he is a “world famous wrestler.”

Officers found Dylan Jones inside a man’s apartment after responding to a call of a suspicious person in Addison Pointe Apartment Homes.

I mean, when I want to wrestle someone, the first place I head to is Addison Point Apartments.

According to the report, officers were speaking to a resident who described a shirtless man knocking at his door with “something in his hands” when a neighbor ran out of his apartment with two steak knives, threw the knives to the ground and shouted to them, “he’s in here!”

Police then entered the apartment and while they attempted to take Jones into custody, he said he was a “world famous wrestler” and knows “how to fight.”

You can plainly see Jones’ injuries after fighting a gaggle of cops inside the apartment. Oh wait, he doesn’t even have a scratch. Maybe he forgot all those wrestling moves he learned.

Someone’s Been Naked In My Bed

Meet Jovita Vaughn of Killeen, Texas. Jovita was a very sleepy girl after running the streets all night, and she needed a rest. Thankfully a Good Samaritan allowed Jovita to break into his home, completely undress, and sleep on his air mattress.

A woman has been arrested after she allegedly sneaked into a man’s home, stripped naked and jumped into one of his beds.

Jovita Vaughn, 28, also known as Jovita Garza, was booked into the Bell County jail on March 30 on charges of criminal trespassing and harassment of a public servant.

Not going to lie; I wouldn’t mind seeing her naked… before throwing her out the window.

That following morning, he came to apparently discover Jovita doing her best Goldilocks impression. She was found sleeping naked on an air mattress in one of the man’s bedrooms.

Jovita told authorities that she used to live at the residence in 2009, and felt like she had a right to be there.

Yes, and because it’s Texas, the homeowner had a right to shoot her in the face.

These Criminals Have Brass(erie) Balls

A Pennsylvania burglary team found an ingenious way to subdue their victims, although their reasoning was kind of a stretch.

Troopers in Jefferson County say a man and woman were arrested after they tried to burglarize a home while they mistakenly thought the family was at the airport.

The couple were hooked on the idea, think the job would be a snap.

According to state police, 30-year-old Jeremy Appleton and 36-year-old Andrea Roton entered the Reynoldsville home July 19 believing the people who lived there had gone to the DuBois Airport. Troopers say they were wrong about no one being home, though.

Appleton and Roton were not exactly DD-elighted with that news.

They say Roton tried to restrain one of the victims with a bra before she escaped the home.

Hmm, I guess burglary is not Appleton and Roton’s cup of tea.

True Detective Stories

When you’re a member of a big-city police department, there are always a few employees who are not exactly high caliber. This is true in any profession, but it’s slightly more disheartening when your job is keeping people safe.

On Sunday, we had to deal with Officer Steroids; a hulking man whose sleeves are always one flex away from tearing. Officer Steroids has been on the job for about thirty years, and sadly, the man still cannot write a coherent police report. I guess his rippling muscles,stop the blood flow to his underdeveloped brain.

The officer called the division Sunday and explained he was out at a burglary scene. Apparently, the offenders entered the residence, grabbed the victim’s car keys and stole two vehicles. Officer Steroids – again who has thirty years on the job – asked a question anyone who ever watched Law & Order would be able to answer:

“Do I write one report for the burglary, or three for the burglary, and the two cars stolen?”

It was then that I grabbed a glass of hemlock and chugged it down…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

She’s Giving Me Good Vibrations

When initiating a career in burglary and/or theft, it is always a good idea to prioritize your targets. For instance, it’s better to search for jewelry instead of clothing. It’s also better to look for electronics than, say, sex toys.

A burglar broke into a North Carolina residence last week and stole a 12-inch sex toy.

Brunswick County Sheriff’s Office deputies responded Wednesday evening to a reported break-in at a residence in Leland, a town 10 miles from Wilmington.

The burglary suspect, who remains at large, entered the Buckwood Court home and departed with the “12” electric vibrator wand,” two pieces of jewelry, coins, and several other items worth a combined $450.

The beauty of this theft is the thief can place the rings on the toy, so it’s less to carry.

The stolen sex toy is valued at $30, according to the report, which does not reveal whether the item was new or used. Or if it came with batteries.

Maybe it was one of those hybrids you can plug into a socket at a gas station?

No Honor Among Thieves

A man in Kennewick, Washington left his vehicle running while it was unattended, and another person jumped into the truck and fled the scene. This is an everyday occurrence, but the truck owner’s reason for leaving the vehicle running is simply perfect.

A man’s pickup truck was stolen while he was busy stealing items from a business across the street. The owner of the vehicle, William A. Kelley, 42, called police Sunday morning saying that someone had stolen his red, 1992 Chevy pick-up.

The suspect, riding by on a 10-speed bicycle, saw the keys had been left in the seat, threw his bike in the bed of the truck and fled.

Investigators reviewed surveillance video of the incident and discovered that Kelley had left his truck because he was off stealing items from a business across the street.

If there’s any justice, both thieves will eventually share the same jail cell.

An Impressive Example Of “Girl Power”

Meet Madison Rogers of Nashville, Tennessee.

In Madison’s case, she may remind you she lives in Smashville, since after becoming a finalist for Miss Hooters Tennessee, she allegedly kicked in the door of her ex-boyfriend’s house and vandalized most everything on the second floor.

A finalist in the Miss Hooters Tennessee pageant has been arrested for allegedly vandalizing her boyfriend’s apartment just hours after he pulled the plug on their relationship.

Madison Rogers, 21, was booked into the Nashville jail earlier this month on charges of aggravated burglary and vandalism.

Rogers, who placed in the top 5 of the local beauty contest organized by Hooters, was caught on security video smashing up her ex-boyfriend’s home on May 31.

Okay, yes, it is possible Madison did some of these things, but look at her! Is this someone we really want to put in prison? Personally I believe the bigger crime here would be removing this gorgeous woman from our eyesight. Give her a fine, maybe some probation, and community service. May I suggest some bikini photo-ops across the fifty states?

Some Heroes Don’t Wear Capes

Anti-cop Hollywood director Quentin Tarantino allegedly scared off two men who attempted to burglarize his residence. Yeah, if there was ever an imposing, intimidating figure, it would be Tarantino.

The film director, whose credits include Pulp Fiction, is said to have been resting at home on Sunday night when two men attempted to burgle him.

According to TMZ, law enforcement sources claimed Tarantino confronted the pair who fled after stealing his jewelery. Authorities are believed to be reviewing surveillance footage that will help identify the criminals.

In reality, the men probably came to Tarantino’s house, looked in the window, saw Jackie Brown on the television, and ran for their lives.

Security Guard Is Caught Short

A gaggle of thugs committed a home invasion inside a Los Angeles mansion this week, after the security guard was distracted by an accomplice with a great ass.

A security guard distracted by a woman in short shorts was overpowered at gunpoint today by four males who then zip-tied him, took his weapons and burglarized a multi-million dollar home in the Beverly Crest area of West Los Angeles.

“A female black wearing short shorts and a furry jacket distracted the guard,” Eisenman said. That enabled four males to overpower the guard, zip-tie him, take his guns and burglarize the house.

I’m truly amazed this plan hasn’t been implemented by criminals across the country. Most security guards are male, and males are easily distracted by hot women; especially those wearing short shorts.