Pennsylvania Man Strikes Again

Meet Robert Burke, Jr., from Blair County, Pennsylvania.

This handsome devil decided to go on a burglary spree, when he realized he tried to invade the wrong house. Luckily, the family pet set Robert straight.

A 9-year-old rescue dog named “Spuds” rescued his family from an alleged intrusion at their Pennsylvania home by attacking the man and helping restrain him until police arrived. The pitbull’s owner, Leroy Rucker, said, “Spuds is a protector.”

“I was just sitting in here watching TV and YouTube with the dogs like I always do,” Rucker recalled to Fox 8 in a recent interview. That’s when 53-year-old Robert Burke Jr. allegedly came bursting through the door. The owners and their beloved dog, Spud, quickly jumped to action.

Rucker said Spuds helped restrain the man for 20 minutes until law enforcement arrived.

Not only was Burke arrested, he also lost his gig as a zombie in The Walking Dead.

Ain’t No Party Like A PA Party

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after he decided to go on a burglary spree last Thursday, stealing a cheesecake, a pot roast, and trying to burglarize an adult store.

A Montgomery Township man was arrested on two sets of charges Thursday morning after he allegedly broke into American Star Diner and stole food, then broke into Adult World before being scared away by an employee.

Robert Dugan, 38, has been charged with two counts of felony burglary, one count of felony criminal mischief, and misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and theft by unlawful taking, in connection with the incidents.

Now, I’m no detective, but I’d wager alcohol was involved.

Dugan was captured on surveillance at the American Star Diner on Welsh Road at 4:30 a.m. on March 31, where he broke the locking mechanism on the front door and forced his way inside, police said. Once inside, Dugan allegedly stole an entire cheesecake and half of a prime rib roast, then exited the diner through the broken front door.

Then, just after 6 a.m., a shirtless Dugan was captured on surveillance outside of Adult World on Dekalb Pike, where he was observed striking a message billboard with a bat, causing it to break, police said. Dugan then allegedly began striking windows of the business, before repeatedly striking the glass front door, causing it to shatter.

Look, I love cheesecake, but there had to be other options Dugan could steal. Like money, alcohol, etc. I swear to Vishnu, I think Pennsylvania it transforming into Florida.

True Detective Stories

So day work ended Monday, which is a relief because day work universally sucks. The day was fairly uneventful, and most of the zombies didn’t start their crap until 1pm. We did have an issue early on, thanks to the Temple University Police.

Now, to say the least, the Philadelphia Police Department is not exactly a stellar organization. It’s dysfunctional, and a good amount of the officers are window lickers. Many of the suburban departments are more professional, and they are galactically superior to college campus cops. Temple, for example, is a nightmare. Allow me to explain.

On Monday morning at 7:30am, Temple Police received a call that someone burglarized one of the school’s offices. Two officers responded to the incident, wrote a report, and called one of Temple’s detectives to respond to the scene. Note this all happened on the Temple campus, and their officers are actual police, not rent-a-cops…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Creepy Creeper Creeps Creepily

Meet Thomas Martin Marnets of Pasco County, Florida.

Thomas was bored one day last week, so he decided to make things interesting by breaking into a residential home and staring at a sleeping girl for a few minutes. Because this guy surely does not look like a sexual predator.

Pasco County sheriff’s officials say they have arrested a man who broke into a family’s home in Holiday, then stood in the doorway of a sleeping girl’s room for several minutes.

Thomas Martin Marnets, 52, of Longwood, was arrested Thursday night in connection with the incident, which had occurred earlier in the day just before 1 a.m. Deputies said Marnets broke through the home’s garage door, then was able to break through a lock to get into the home.

Then things get a little weird…

Once inside, he walked to the doorway of the girl’s room and stood there for about three minutes before walking away, arrest reports state. A video surveillance system inside the home recorded what happened, reports state.

“He is captured with his hands inside of the front of his shorts,” the report states.

Yeah, totally not a predator.

Marnets claimed he did commit a burglary because he did not take anything. In most jurisdictions, breaking into a residence is enough to charge for burglary, whether you take anything or not. I learned that by watching Law & Order.

Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting

A group of five churchgoing teenagers were arrested this week after leading police officers on a high-speed chase through Florida’s highways. Leave it to cops to stop the cherubs from having a good time.

This is a video of teens leading a high speed chase in Florida before coming to a crashing stop on the highway.

Police were called Wednesday for a report of a Fort Lauderdale home being burglarized while people were inside. They got away, but not before police were provided with a description of their vehicle. When cops caught up to the getaway car and tried to pull it over, the suspects refused. Video of the chase shows police vehicles hanging back as the driver appears to make a sudden right turn – across three lanes – and hit at least one other car, barrel into a guardrail and strike an SUV before overturning and spinning to a stop.

The Fort Lauderdale Police Department said five juveniles were taken into custody from inside the car.

The writer was fretting about how the awful police officers handled the poor little cherubs after the car rolled over. You know, because risking people’s lives on a major highway should be handled with grace and aplomb.

You can see the mayhem – and the hilarious aftermath – below the fold…

Continue reading “Apparently Speed 3 Has Started Shooting”

Dude Brought A Knife To A Gunfight

Meet Dylan Jones of Flori-Duh.

Dylan was looking for some action, and instead of checking out some Florida babes, he chose another path… by breaking into a man’s residence and threatening him with knives. Jones should have used the knifes to cut that hair. Hippie.

A shirtless 19-year-old man knocked on apartment doors with a knife in each hand Tuesday morning before making his way into an apartment and telling officers he is a “world famous wrestler.”

Officers found Dylan Jones inside a man’s apartment after responding to a call of a suspicious person in Addison Pointe Apartment Homes.

I mean, when I want to wrestle someone, the first place I head to is Addison Point Apartments.

According to the report, officers were speaking to a resident who described a shirtless man knocking at his door with “something in his hands” when a neighbor ran out of his apartment with two steak knives, threw the knives to the ground and shouted to them, “he’s in here!”

Police then entered the apartment and while they attempted to take Jones into custody, he said he was a “world famous wrestler” and knows “how to fight.”

You can plainly see Jones’ injuries after fighting a gaggle of cops inside the apartment. Oh wait, he doesn’t even have a scratch. Maybe he forgot all those wrestling moves he learned.

Someone’s Been Naked In My Bed

Meet Jovita Vaughn of Killeen, Texas. Jovita was a very sleepy girl after running the streets all night, and she needed a rest. Thankfully a Good Samaritan allowed Jovita to break into his home, completely undress, and sleep on his air mattress.

A woman has been arrested after she allegedly sneaked into a man’s home, stripped naked and jumped into one of his beds.

Jovita Vaughn, 28, also known as Jovita Garza, was booked into the Bell County jail on March 30 on charges of criminal trespassing and harassment of a public servant.

Not going to lie; I wouldn’t mind seeing her naked… before throwing her out the window.

That following morning, he came to apparently discover Jovita doing her best Goldilocks impression. She was found sleeping naked on an air mattress in one of the man’s bedrooms.

Jovita told authorities that she used to live at the residence in 2009, and felt like she had a right to be there.

Yes, and because it’s Texas, the homeowner had a right to shoot her in the face.

These Criminals Have Brass(erie) Balls

A Pennsylvania burglary team found an ingenious way to subdue their victims, although their reasoning was kind of a stretch.

Troopers in Jefferson County say a man and woman were arrested after they tried to burglarize a home while they mistakenly thought the family was at the airport.

The couple were hooked on the idea, think the job would be a snap.

According to state police, 30-year-old Jeremy Appleton and 36-year-old Andrea Roton entered the Reynoldsville home July 19 believing the people who lived there had gone to the DuBois Airport. Troopers say they were wrong about no one being home, though.

Appleton and Roton were not exactly DD-elighted with that news.

They say Roton tried to restrain one of the victims with a bra before she escaped the home.

Hmm, I guess burglary is not Appleton and Roton’s cup of tea.

True Detective Stories

When you’re a member of a big-city police department, there are always a few employees who are not exactly high caliber. This is true in any profession, but it’s slightly more disheartening when your job is keeping people safe.

On Sunday, we had to deal with Officer Steroids; a hulking man whose sleeves are always one flex away from tearing. Officer Steroids has been on the job for about thirty years, and sadly, the man still cannot write a coherent police report. I guess his rippling muscles,stop the blood flow to his underdeveloped brain.

The officer called the division Sunday and explained he was out at a burglary scene. Apparently, the offenders entered the residence, grabbed the victim’s car keys and stole two vehicles. Officer Steroids – again who has thirty years on the job – asked a question anyone who ever watched Law & Order would be able to answer:

“Do I write one report for the burglary, or three for the burglary, and the two cars stolen?”

It was then that I grabbed a glass of hemlock and chugged it down…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

She’s Giving Me Good Vibrations

When initiating a career in burglary and/or theft, it is always a good idea to prioritize your targets. For instance, it’s better to search for jewelry instead of clothing. It’s also better to look for electronics than, say, sex toys.

A burglar broke into a North Carolina residence last week and stole a 12-inch sex toy.

Brunswick County Sheriff’s Office deputies responded Wednesday evening to a reported break-in at a residence in Leland, a town 10 miles from Wilmington.

The burglary suspect, who remains at large, entered the Buckwood Court home and departed with the “12” electric vibrator wand,” two pieces of jewelry, coins, and several other items worth a combined $450.

The beauty of this theft is the thief can place the rings on the toy, so it’s less to carry.

The stolen sex toy is valued at $30, according to the report, which does not reveal whether the item was new or used. Or if it came with batteries.

Maybe it was one of those hybrids you can plug into a socket at a gas station?