True Detective Stories

There was no way in hell my first day back was going to be easy.

There were thirty-two unassigned jobs in my queue, which wasn’t too bad, considering. I expected the total to be well over fifty. The new detectives seem okay. One of them was a cop in the division, and he is a complete tool, but otherwise, everyone else seems normal.

Of course, there had to be a catch. So a woman makes a report claiming an unknown male came behind her, forced her to give him her car keys, and took her vehicle and her iPhone. This is a regular occurrence in our division, so we handled it quickly and efficiently. Shortly after the woman left, some “inconsistencies” popped up.

For example, the woman gave us her information so we could track her phone; hopefully leading us to the carjacker. We found it a mile or so away on Monday, then the signal was lost Tuesday, however, the phone was tracked to the victim’s residence. Hmm, that’s odd.

We sent two detectives to the residence to check out what was going on. Miraculously, the victim’s vehicle was in front of the house, and she was in possession of her iPhone. It’s a Festivus miracle! Or not.

You see, this was never a carjacking; it was a domestic dispute gone wrong. The victim and the offender had a spat, the offender took the victim’s iPhone and drove her car around the block. Hours later, they were in love again, and the victim never thought it necessary to let us know she is a lying piece of crap.

After admitting all this, the boyfriend was arrested for marijuana possession – hide your drugs when the po-po arrives, dummy – and the “victim” was arrested for filing a false police report.

God, it’s good to be surrounded by idiocy again.

True Detective Stories

So the other day I’m sitting at my desk minding my own business when the phone rings. Like an idiot, I pick up the phone and say, “Detective Division, may I help you?” The woman on the other end started off with ignorance and scorn, so naturally I wanted to drop everything to help this caustic human.

Aunt Esther: “Yeah, what is the name of this person I am talking to?”
Me: “Detective Earp.”

Aunt Esther: “What is your first name?”
Me: “Wyatt. Is there something I can help you with, ma’am?”

Ironically, this “woman” liked dishing out bile but was not keen on receiving it.

Aunt Esther: “I want to know which one of you took my son’s cellphone.”
Me: “Well ma’am, there are a hundred detectives assigned here. Do you have a name of the person assigned to your son’s case?”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Grandma Got Run Over By A Carjacker

Meet Jaquay Marlon Jean of North Miami, Flori-duh. Jaquay craves excitement, and he got it in spades after committing a carjacking and fleeing the scene with a grandmother and infant in the back seat.

A man attacked a woman during a stop at a gas station in Palm City, then drove away in her car with her mother and infant inside.

The carjacking happened Sunday afternoon at a Mobil gas station on State Road 714 as the family was returning to Miami after visiting Walt Disney World in Orlando, according to a Martin County Sheriff’s Office Facebook post.

The man pointed a gun at the driver and dragged her from the car. The grandmother, Joanne Segona, begged the carjacker to stop at another gas station, where he let them out.

“He was pointing the gun at the baby It was going to kill somebody. The only chance we had was to get out,” Segona said.

As you can see, this master criminal was on the run for almost twenty-four hours before being snatched by police. Congratulations on a job… done.

Drive It Like You Stole It

A 54-year old Philadelphia man received more than he bargained for when he stole a running vehicle with three toddlers inside.

The violent ordeal began when a 25-year-old woman parked her Hyundai sedan outside a pizza shop on 29th and Dauphin streets in North Philadelphia.

The woman left her three young children inside the running car as she went inside to visit her boyfriend, who was an employee at the restaurant and the father of two of the kids.

Suddenly, a 54-year-old man jumped into her car and sped off with the children, who are between the ages of 7 months and 5 years old, strapped inside.

Leaving a toddler and an infant inside a running car in North Philly. This woman is obviously a frontrunner for mother of the year.

The woman’s boyfriend ran after the thief. The man drove half a block before getting stuck in traffic at 29th and York streets. The kids’ father then pulled the thief out of the car and beat him as other bystanders in the area joined the attack.

Medics responded to the scene and found the car thief unconscious with severe injuries to the head and face. He was taken to Temple University Hospital and pronounced dead shortly after 10 p.m. (H/TAOSHQ)

Two things: First, I’m embarrassed Ace found this before me, but when it’s my day off, I rarely worry about what happens in this garbage town. Second, while I don’t think this is a case of premeditated murder, you could certainly charge the man with manslaughter. That said, no jury in this city would convict him, and I doubt even this town’s godawful D.A. would file charges.

Black Snake Thrown

Meet Hilmary Moreno-Berrios of Greenville, South Carolina.

Like many Latin women, Hilmary’s temper is muy caliente, so it should be no surprise she carjacked a fellow citizen… point of snake.

Police said they were called to investigate a carjacking report at 8:20 p.m. Friday.

The victim told the police that a woman threw a black snake at her and stole her SUV.

But was it a magnificent specimen of pure Alabama black snake?

At around 8:30 p.m., an officer saw someone drive through barriers that were set up for a pole-vaulting event scheduled for Saturday.

Officers said a woman, identified later as Hilmary Moreno-Berrios, refused to stop when an officer tried to perform a traffic stop. Police say they were then led on a chase that ended when the SUV hit an occupied vehicle.

But, but, were the pole vaulters okay?

What Time Is It? It’s Taco Clock!

Meet Roberto A. Canamargarza.

Roberto is a stranger in a strange land, and the only thing he needed to cure his homesickness was a bushel of tacos, a decent haircut, and a handgun.

Roberto A. Canamargarza, a Mexican citizen, was arrested Monday afternoon by Dallas Police after pointing a gun at different men, shooting one of them and demanding them to drive him to a taco restaurant.

Wow, way to start off the article with a racist stereotype, Dallas News!

After demanding the first victim to take him to get tacos, the driver dropped him off and drove away. He then did the same to the following two men — except Canamargarza fired several rounds at both of them.

Now before you get all judgy, I once stabbed a woman because she wouldn’t buy me a box of Milk Duds.

The second victim was able to run away as gunshots hit a nearby tire shop. The third ended up getting shot in the lower body prior to Canamarganza climbing into his car.

Ironically the victim experienced the same burning sensation the tacos would have given Roberto.

After the car didn’t start — he allegedly ran to look for other victims.

Wait a minute, the Mexican didn’t know how to hotwire a car? Holy shit, was that racist?

Draggle Rock

A Kent, Washington thug realized the hard way that a life of crime is a real drag.

The incident occurred about 7 PM on Friday, August 25. Video shows the suspect punching the driver repeatedly, and the driver then manages to close the vehicle’s door, and drove off.

The video shows the suspect being dragged along a busy street, with his pants falling to his ankles. The car stopped at least once in the video, but the would-be carjacker wouldn’t give up; he tried again to get the driver out.

The driver then took off again, dragging the suspect alongside the car. Police said that the suspect, who was not identified, had tried to steal other vehicles on that day, including one before this incident, where he punched the driver, who kicked him with their feet, and the suspect fled.

Kent police officers responded, and the suspect was tased “multiple times” after refusing to follow their commands. (H/T – Jim F.)

I guess the next car he tries to steal better have a ramp. The video can be viewed at the link, and I would highly recommend it. Don’t forget your popcorn.