Celebrity Chumps Jump To Dump Trump

time-magazine-president-elect-donald-trumpAccording to journalistic giant “TheWrap,” the incoming Trump administration is having difficulty recruiting celebrities to perform at the inauguration.

Personally, I find this a feature, not a bug.

According to TheWrap, celebrities aren’t jumping at the chance to perform for Trump’s swearing in, or the balls, parade or National Mall concert that typically accompany the signature inaugural event. In the past, celebrities, including Beyonce, have volunteered for the slots, calling an Inaugural performance a “patriotic duty.”

But this year, too many actors, artists and musicians are struggling to come to terms with the Republican President-elect. And it’s making it hard to fill slots for the typically star-studded occasion.

Making things more difficult, some celebrities have called for a boycott of any artist, actor or musician who donates their time to honor Trump.

That door swings both ways, Hollywood. While you overpaid babies cater to half the population, the other half can save our money instead of wasting it on your films, TV shows, and albums.

Strangers With Candy

Reese's Peanut Butter CupsBy now, most of you have awakened from your diabetic comas, and are ready to resume your lives. Of course, if you’re like me, you have a metric butt-load of candy sitting on your dining room table, calling out your name.

Resistance is futile. You will be broken, and you will seek out your favorite candy.

In that vein, Yahoo penned this story, detailing the link between candy and opinions on celebrities.

Research firm Ranker analyzed data collected from polling people about their favorite Halloween candy and cross referenced the results against its other consumer stats to see how people’s candy preferences correlated to their celebrity preferences.

Ranker found people who voted in favor of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are favorable to Ryan Gosling and Mila Kunis, but disliked Sarah Jessica Parker.

People who love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (like most of America) are the most likely to dislike the Kardashians. (H/TKari)

My all-time favorite candy is Caramel Creams, but since my rat bastard neighbors won’t dish them out, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups win by default. They are Heaven in a package. The Kardashians, on the other hand, are putrid cellulite-ridden meat in a package. I disapprove of their very existence.

I can take or leave Ryan Gosling, but being a red-blooded American male, I would like to give Mila Kunis the best thirty twenty ten seconds of her life.

The proof this analysis was rock-solid, however, lies with Sarah Jessica Parker. If loving PB Cups – and hating that horse-faced bush pig – is wrong, I don’t want to be right.