The Curt Locker

No one would ever accuse me of being the world’s greatest parent. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should have kids, but at least I’m not these people

A Chinese couple have caused an outcry after allegedly leaving their child inside a locker at a public bathhouse.

Shocking video has emerged showing the mother pulling the crying toddler out of the wooden cabinet. It’s suggested that the couple had left their toddler in the locker because they did not want to look after the child while they bathed.

It remains unclear if the child is a boy or a girl, or how long the child had been left in the locker.

God, this is truly despicable. Everyone knows you leave your toddler in the towel bin; it’s more comfortable and the towels muffle the cries. Oh wait, I’ve said too much.

The Flame Of Love

In an effort to combat red-blooded Chinese males from being, well, red-blooded Chinese males, an organization has created an “Anti-pervert flamethrower.”

This is not good news for a horndog like me.

Miniature flamethrowers that can fit into a handbag, branded as “anti-pervert weapons”, are being sold online in China despite being classified as dangerous items that cannot be taken on public transport. The pen-sized gadgets are about 20cm long and can shoot flames of up to 25cm at the press of a button.

Marketed at women to fend off attackers, they are being sold as “not a weapon, yet better than one.” But despite generally positive reviews of the flamethrowers, the fact they contain butane, an inflammable gas, means they can’t be taken on trains or planes.

So I can ogle hot Asian chicks as long as I take public transportation? Meh, it’s not worth it.

Chinese Woman Makes A Real Splash

Nobody likes Mondays. The weekend is over, you wake up early, and you’re headed back to work. Mondays suck, but they don’t suck nearly as much as getting an appendage stuck in a toilet.

Firefighters in China rescued a woman who was trapped in a bathroom when her leg became stuck in a toilet for six hours.

Video from the May 31 rescue in Guangzhou, Guangdong Province shows firefighters using various tools in an attempt to free the woman’s leg.

Glossing over the question as to how an adult gets their leg stuck in a toilet, I think I’d ask the medics to amputate. There’s not enough bleach in the world to remove six hours of dung and urine from my skin.

Cats, Now And Forever

Since I started everyone’s day on a good note, I figured I would end your day on an awful note. Wyatt giveth and Wyatt taketh away.

In China, it is legal to eat cats and dogs. Even so, ordinary people reacted with alarm this week as news broke of a Chinese man caught with 500 cats, crowded into tiny cages, which he intended to sell to restaurants.

The man had used sparrows and caged birds to lure both stray cats and domestic ones in the city of Jiujiang in southern Jiangsu province.

Many of the cats were found in cages in the back of a small truck, some near death and mewing faintly in the heat, while others were recovered in a hut near a highway, cooled only by a ceiling fan. The man usually sold the cats for about 30 yuan ($4.40) each, the report said, citing a local policeman.

Wow, what a catastrophe. I am catatonic after reading this. The man probably thought he was in the catbird seat, but instead he’ll be catapulted into prison.

A Heart-Wrenching Situation

Doctors performed emergency surgery on a Chinese man after he got his penis stuck in a wrench. The wrench had a hold on the man’s penis for a day before it was removed.

A Chinese man had his penis freed from a tiny wrench last week after getting it stuck for nearly a day. The 37-year-old was sent to hospital in eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, after his trapped penis had swollen and turned purple.

Doctors and firefighters, who failed to free the man, had to call in dentists to help remove the wrench using a dental drill.

He reportedly got his genitals trapped in the metal tool and was sent to the Taizhou Hospital at 9:30pm on June 2. It remains unclear why the man’s penis had been stuck.

Obviously the man wanted his nuts tightened, and what better tool for the job than a wrench? This is apparently a fairly common malady, because I posted about an Australian man doing the same thing last year. I should probably try on for myself to see what all the hubbub is about.

Giving The Rubber Stamp

The U.S. Customs Service confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms shipped to Puerto Rico this week. Apparently, they were all going to Anthony Weiner’s residence.

United States customs officials seized more than 40,000 counterfeit condoms being imported to Puerto Rico.

How is this news? The Puerto Ricans in my division never wear condoms anyway. Wait, was that racist?

The U.S. Customs and Border Protection, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Homeland Security Investigations and the Food and Drug Administration seized the counterfeit condoms being sent to Puerto Rico from China over the course of five days.

Counterfeit condoms are easy to spot; they squeak with every thrust.

The CBP warned that counterfeit goods may cause long-term health conditions and other problems, as they are not subject to quality controls.

The condoms were coming from China, where second children are thrown into the Yangtze River. I think they have a vested interest in condom quality control.

Weekend Caption Contest

chinaman-shot-with-smog-cannon

The Desolation Of Smog Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Original Caption: People demonstrate a home-made ‘smog cannon’ which fires cannonballs made of ‘water and tobacco tar’ to remind people the importance of protecting environment, in Xiangyang, Hubei province, China on Dec. 27, 2016. (Photo: Stringer/Reuters)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted Monday, January 2nd.

The Sun Hoof Is Standard

twenty-pigs-in-an-suvTraffic stops are usually one of the most dangerous actions a police officer can perform. You’re approaching a vehicle whose occupants are unknown, may be armed, or be prepared to run you down. You need to be on your guard.

On the other hand you may come across an little old lady from Pasadena, a pimply-faced teenager, or a few hundred pounds of bacon.

A traffic stop in China led to an unusual discovery — 20 pigs crammed into the cargo section of the driver’s SUV.

Body camera footage from the Sunday traffic stop shows the SUV pulled over to the side of the road in Ganzhou, Jiangxi Province.

The vehicle’s two human occupants open the rear hatch of the SUV to show the officers its contents: 20 small pigs riding calmly. (H/TAOSHQ)

The most surprising part of this story? None of the officers thought the U.S. Women’s Soccer team could fit inside an SUV.

She So Scorny

shu-xin-chinese-bodyguard

Meet Shu Xin, voted the hottest bodyguard at China’s G20 Summit. Joe Biden came in a distant third.

A soldier working during the G20 summit in China has been hailed as the ‘prettiest bodyguard’ on China’s social media sites.

As the world leaders met to discuss important issues in Hangzhou, China’s social media was more focused on a bodyguard that had caught a lot of people’s attention. Internet users have identified the woman in the pictures as a female soldier from the People’s Liberation Army.

The woman has been identified as Shu Xin from southern China’s Guiyang city. She is reported to be born in the 90s but no other information has been revealed.

Actually, that is not entirely correct; we also know she wants to taste my egg roll.

shu-xin-china

My egg roll is spicy, honey, but I’m sure you can “handle” it.