A Different Kind Of Chastity Belt

When searching for the winner of the “Why The F**k Did You Do That” contest, this guy’s story is a lock!

The 31-year-old, who hasn’t been named, inserted the small lock into his urethra and pushed it further down his penis for sexual pleasure. But the padlock travelled into his bladder and it became stuck there.

He was taken to hospital in Fuzhou city in east China and shocking X-rays showed the padlock jammed into his organ. Doctors reportedly had to cut a hole into the man’s bladder to release the lock.

Why would you ever shove something into your dickhole, and why would you ever think it would be pleasurable? Do me a favor, brah; next time you want to shove something in there, make sure it is wet cement. Jackass.

You know, every time a story comes about items getting stuck inside people’s pink parts, the victim is usually from China. What, is that country the Florida of Asia?

Making Basketball Great Again

The three college basketball players who were detained in China after being accused of shoplifting from a Louis Vuitton store have been released, thanks in large part to the efforts of President Trump.

Three UCLA basketball players accused of shoplifting in China last week returned to Los Angeles on Tuesday.

The three were arrested last week while their team was in the city of Hangzhou ahead of the squad’s season opener in Shanghai. They were questioned on suspicion of stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store near their hotel.

Two things. First, why is there is a Louis Vuitton store in communist China? Second, what kind of mental defective shoplifts in a country where they sentence you to death for spitting on the sidewalk?

LiAngelo Ball, Cody Riley and Jalen Hill were allowed to leave after the situation was “resolved to the satisfaction of the Chinese authorities,” said Larry Scott, commissioner of the Pacific-12 athletic conference, of which UCLA is a member.

“We are grateful for the role that our Chinese hosts played, and for the courtesy and professionalism of the local authorities,” Scott said. “We also want to acknowledge UCLA’s significant efforts on behalf of their student-athletes.

“Finally, we want to thank the President, the White House and the US State Department for their efforts towards resolution.”

Personally, I think Mr. Scott should have thanked the president first, but whatever. The fact the president – a man most NBA players believe is an unapologetic racist – went out of his way to free these three men should speak volumes about Trump’s character. Sadly, he will receive little to no credit for the act, and these three clowns – as well as most NBA players – will be attacking Trump again on social media in a matter of days.

She Blinded Me With Gaming

A young Chinese woman lost her sight after spending an entire day playing a game on her cellphone. Now I guess she’ll have to make the transformation from gamer to kung fu master.

A 21-year-old Chinese woman went blind in one eye after playing the popular video game Honour of Kings on her mobile phone non-stop for a whole day.

The unnamed gaming addict suddenly lost sight in her right eye on Sunday evening, after she had been playing all day at her parents’ home in Dongguan, Guangdong province, news website Sun0769.com reported on Wednesday.

She was diagnosed on Wednesday morning with retinal artery occlusion in her right eye at a hospital in the city’s Nanchang district.

There’s only one thing I can say about this woman, and that is, “Well done! You are the greatest hero in Chinese gaming history!”

Click It Or Stick It

China is not a country which one would consider favorable to women, what with all the child-bearing restrictions. Sadly, women don’t have it much easier if they survive into adulthood. To wit:

An office worker in China was punished for not wearing a seat belt while driving to work.

The woman was taped by layers of yellow and black hazard tape and stuck firmly onto a wall. Other employees can be seen neglecting their colleague and working on the desk.

It was written: ‘See how poor my pretty colleague, she got found out by our boss for not wearing a seat belt while driving!’

Personally, I would have preferred she be taped naked to the wall with pasties, but no one ever listens to my ideas.

Rectum? I Hardly Know Him!

An Asian man is recovering from emergency surgery after a cylindrical object somehow made its way into his bunghole. Seriously, how is China a superpower?

A man from southern China had to be rushed to a hospital after having a tumbler glass stuck in his rear, according to reports.

The container, measuring seven centimetre (2.8 inches) in diameter, had been trapped inside the body of the 33-year-old patient, known by an alias Xiao Zhang, for two days.

Doctor performed an abdominal operation on Xiao Zhang in order to remove the glassware, which had broken while being lodged inside the man’s rectum.

The good news is the man will never have to force out a poop. The bad news is it will come out whenever it’s ready; even if the man is not.

The Curt Locker

No one would ever accuse me of being the world’s greatest parent. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should have kids, but at least I’m not these people

A Chinese couple have caused an outcry after allegedly leaving their child inside a locker at a public bathhouse.

Shocking video has emerged showing the mother pulling the crying toddler out of the wooden cabinet. It’s suggested that the couple had left their toddler in the locker because they did not want to look after the child while they bathed.

It remains unclear if the child is a boy or a girl, or how long the child had been left in the locker.

God, this is truly despicable. Everyone knows you leave your toddler in the towel bin; it’s more comfortable and the towels muffle the cries. Oh wait, I’ve said too much.

The Flame Of Love

In an effort to combat red-blooded Chinese males from being, well, red-blooded Chinese males, an organization has created an “Anti-pervert flamethrower.”

This is not good news for a horndog like me.

Miniature flamethrowers that can fit into a handbag, branded as “anti-pervert weapons”, are being sold online in China despite being classified as dangerous items that cannot be taken on public transport. The pen-sized gadgets are about 20cm long and can shoot flames of up to 25cm at the press of a button.

Marketed at women to fend off attackers, they are being sold as “not a weapon, yet better than one.” But despite generally positive reviews of the flamethrowers, the fact they contain butane, an inflammable gas, means they can’t be taken on trains or planes.

So I can ogle hot Asian chicks as long as I take public transportation? Meh, it’s not worth it.

Chinese Woman Makes A Real Splash

Nobody likes Mondays. The weekend is over, you wake up early, and you’re headed back to work. Mondays suck, but they don’t suck nearly as much as getting an appendage stuck in a toilet.

Firefighters in China rescued a woman who was trapped in a bathroom when her leg became stuck in a toilet for six hours.

Video from the May 31 rescue in Guangzhou, Guangdong Province shows firefighters using various tools in an attempt to free the woman’s leg.

Glossing over the question as to how an adult gets their leg stuck in a toilet, I think I’d ask the medics to amputate. There’s not enough bleach in the world to remove six hours of dung and urine from my skin.

Cats, Now And Forever

Since I started everyone’s day on a good note, I figured I would end your day on an awful note. Wyatt giveth and Wyatt taketh away.

In China, it is legal to eat cats and dogs. Even so, ordinary people reacted with alarm this week as news broke of a Chinese man caught with 500 cats, crowded into tiny cages, which he intended to sell to restaurants.

The man had used sparrows and caged birds to lure both stray cats and domestic ones in the city of Jiujiang in southern Jiangsu province.

Many of the cats were found in cages in the back of a small truck, some near death and mewing faintly in the heat, while others were recovered in a hut near a highway, cooled only by a ceiling fan. The man usually sold the cats for about 30 yuan ($4.40) each, the report said, citing a local policeman.

Wow, what a catastrophe. I am catatonic after reading this. The man probably thought he was in the catbird seat, but instead he’ll be catapulted into prison.

A Heart-Wrenching Situation

Doctors performed emergency surgery on a Chinese man after he got his penis stuck in a wrench. The wrench had a hold on the man’s penis for a day before it was removed.

A Chinese man had his penis freed from a tiny wrench last week after getting it stuck for nearly a day. The 37-year-old was sent to hospital in eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, after his trapped penis had swollen and turned purple.

Doctors and firefighters, who failed to free the man, had to call in dentists to help remove the wrench using a dental drill.

He reportedly got his genitals trapped in the metal tool and was sent to the Taizhou Hospital at 9:30pm on June 2. It remains unclear why the man’s penis had been stuck.

Obviously the man wanted his nuts tightened, and what better tool for the job than a wrench? This is apparently a fairly common malady, because I posted about an Australian man doing the same thing last year. I should probably try on for myself to see what all the hubbub is about.