Caption Contest Winners

The Tears For Smears Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. Still upset Hitler didn’t win. – Okrahead
4. Why couldn’t it have been 600,000 Jews? – Veeshir
3. I used gorilla glue to keep my turban on & now it won’t come off. – Cathy
2. Slowly puts onion in her purse… – Sully

WINNER! – When you squeeze a lemon, don’t be surprised if the juice is as bitter as the fruit. – Mike AKA Proof

Weekend Caption Contest

Tears For Smears Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted on Monday, June 21st.

Original Caption: Rep Ilhan Omar (D-MN) wipes her tears as members of Congress observe a moment of silence for the 600,000 American lives lost to the coronavirus, outside the U.S. Capitol in Washington, June 14, 2021. REUTERS/Evelyn Hockstein



Covid Killed The Copulating

The destruction wreaked by the Chinese Wuhan Virus did not end with the deaths; it also apparently killed intimacy with young Americans.

As a result of the pandemic and social distancing, 55% of young, single Americans turned to technology to be sexually intimate. As the country begins to reopen, new insights from dating app Plenty of Fish show that while 42% of singles are open to physical intimacy after the pandemic and are eager to meet new people, two-thirds will continue to be just as virtually connected after the pandemic as they were during, relying on video chats (61%), sexting (54%) and phone sex (47%).

Twenty years from now, America will be a barren, childless wasteland which will resemble the current states of Britain, France, and Germany. Considering who their parents will be, that’s probably a good thing.

According to the study, 64% of singles said being virtually intimate during the pandemic changed what they consider intimacy to be. Nearly 6 in 10 (57%) respondents now place higher value on other types of intimacy, like emotional or intellectual intimacy, while 45% find less value in physical connection.

Who in their right minds would be satisfied with “virtual intimacy?” Sending texts to a partner is nothing like being there and exploring each other’s body. I do not understand this generation at all.

The Damned CDC Just Saved Disney

The despicable Walt Disney Corporation is getting a helping hand from Fauci and his jackbooted thugs, just as the company was about to die. The CDC’s decision to allow us peons to stop wearing masks has saved the financially struggling organization. Hooray.

During an earnings call on Thursday, Disney CEO Bob Chapek hinted that there could be a change to the mandatory mask requirement at Disney parks in the near future after the CDC said people could stop wearing masks outdoors in crowds and in most indoor settings.

“Particularly, if anybody’s been in Florida in the middle of summer with a mask on. That could be quite daunting,” Chapek said. “So we think that’s going to make for an even more pleasant experience.”

Chapek said the parks had already started raising the number of people allowed in, as least in Florida, based on relaxed restrictions coming from Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ office. He didn’t say how many more people were being allowed in the parks compared to the previous restriction of a little more than a third of a park’s capacity.

It pains me to think how far Disney has fallen. We spent our honeymoon there, and revisited when the missus was pregnant with Kyle. The kids have been there when they were younger and they all had a great time. In the last few years, however, the entire corporation has become mega-woke, which is why I have no desire to give them my money ever again.

Maybe We Should Nuke Japan Again

The Japanese town of Noto decided allocated Covid relief funds would be better spent on a ridiculous statue instead of, say, helping those stricken with Covid. Noto arigato, Mr. Idioto!

A coastal town in western Japan is under fire for using hundreds of thousands of dollars designated for COVID-19 relief for something slightly less important — a giant squid statue. Local officials said they hoped the statue would boost tourism.

The town of Noto was given 800 million yen, about $7.3 million, from the central government in relief funds, according to local media. The aid program aimed to boost local economies, which have struggled to stay afloat during the pandemic.

Sure, our local restaurants and stores went bankrupt, buy hey, we got a giant squid!

Noto officials used about $228,000 from the emergency funding to build the massive statue, which is 13 feet tall and almost 43 feet long.

A town official said that the statue is part of a “long-term strategy” to spread the word about Noto’s fishing industry and its local delicacy, squid. The statue can be used both as a photographic landmark and a playground for children.

Yes, because what kid wouldn’t want to revel on a giant frightening pink squid?

True Detective Stories

Diego the Idiot Detective is a little bit like Beetlejuice. If someone conjures his name, he will appear. Yesterday Ronni mentioned True Detective Stories, and a half hour later, *poof*, Diego sent me a text message.

I only receive text messages from Diego when he 1. screws something up and doesn’t want it to get out, 2. he wants something to eat, or 3. he wants to ask how you’re doing, so he can parlay that into him talking about himself for an hour. Yesterday, it was curtain number three.

Yesterday was cold and rainy here, but I have been cycling every day since I started getting past the Wuhan Flu. I was about to head out when Diego sent me a text message, which read: “How are you feeling?”

Now, I don’t want to be an a-hole – although I’ll power through it – but I tested positive on March 25th, after four previous days of misery. Everyone knew I was sick, and knew so for three weeks. Three coworkers and my lieutenant checked up on me, for which I’m thankful, but that was it. Why Diego bothered to send me a text the day before I went back to work was a mystery.

I told him I was fine and I would be in work Tuesday morning (today). Diego replied that he has been back for a week or so now, and that’s when it hit me.

You see, I’m fairly sure I got this round of Wu-Flu first. A day or so afterward, a female detective caught it – she continues to claim I “gave it to her.” The squad was trying to deal with two detectives being out sick, and a few days later Diego claimed he “passed out” while down at court…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

A Health Update

Well, it seems Mrs. Earp and I are over the Chinese Wuhan Virus. She’s worse off than I am, since she’s still recovering from pneumonia, but for the most part everything is getting back to normal.

Mrs. Earp started short walks yesterday and it wasn’t easy. I have been cycling about five miles a day every day for a week now. I’m nowhere near my peak conditioning, and I’m exhausted after five miles, when I was breezing through ten miles in the summer. I understand it’s a process, and the fact I lost nearly twenty pounds is a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to be skinnier, but losing the endurance stinks.

I’m scheduled to go back to work Tuesday morning, where I am sure there will be a six-foot pile of work waiting for me, and the new computer system for entering jobs debuted while I was sick. So the first week or two should be a cluster.

Oh, the shoulder surgeon effectively started ignoring me. They told me on March 8th that if the insurance didn’t clear the surgeon I was dealing with, they would give me a surgeon in our network. They promised to contact me on March 15th. They never called back. I tracked down the jackasses at the insurance, and they told me I need physical therapy first, even though the surgeon said surgery is the better option because of the damage.

So, I intend to see my primary doctor, ask him to set me up with physical therapy, and find me another surgeon. I am not dealing with those people anymore.

The good news is when I get back to work, I should have plenty of True Detective Stories for you soon.

WHO Took China’s Word On Virus Leak

Peter Daszak, one of the World Health Organization’s “best and brightest,” was interviewed by Lesley Stahl and stated the WHO took China’s word about the origins of the Chinese Wuhan Virus. They just believes the ChiComs, and sat by while millions of people were killed. Unbelievable.

Dr. Robert Redfield, the director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention under former President Donald Trump, said COVID-19 likely originated through an accidental escape from the Wuhan lab and hinted this occurred following gain-of-function research there.

“I am of the point of view that I still think the most likely etiology of this pathology in Wuhan was from a laboratory. Escaped,” Redfield said, adding that “it’s not unusual for respiratory pathogens that are being worked on in a laboratory to infect the laboratory worker.”

Why would anyone believe anything the WHO says from here on out?

[Lesley] Stahl pressed him on whether the Chinese government was trying to limit the information that the WHO could get access to, but [Peter] Daszak defended the Chinese government’s heavy presence on their trip.

Well, that wasn’t our task to find out if China had covered up the origin issue. … We didn’t see any evidence of any false reporting or cover-up in the work that we did in China,” Daszak claimed, adding that “there were Ministry of Foreign Affairs staff in the room throughout our stay. Absolutely. They were there to make sure everything went smoothly from the China side.”

It wasn’t their task to see if there was a cover up? Are you out of your damned mind? What exactly was your task, then, because you apparently did nothing for two years!

Every single member of that organization should be detained and charged. Every single one.

Caption Contest Winners

The Got A Skateboard Gnarly Rad Caption Contest is now over. (I didn’t want to skip the winners.)

Top Five Entries:
5. Where’s Kyle Rittenhouse when you need him? – Snuffy
4. Not to be outdone by Marvel’s Spider Man, Ant Man, Wasp, etc. bug collection, DC introduces the Bombardier Beetle superhero. – Okrahead
3. Jumpin’ Jack gets an unexpected flash! – Mike AKA Proof
2. Dammit, George, stop lighting your farts with matches! – MelP

WINNER! – Tearing down the oppressors’ rule is always fun until the moment your man bun comes out of its scrunchie. – Mitchell Strand

Weekend Caption Contest

Got A Skateboard Gnarly Rad Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted on Monday, March 29th.

Original Caption: A demonstrator skateboards in front of a burning police vehicle during a protest against a new proposed policing bill, in Bristol, Britain, March 21, 2021. Thousands of demonstrators had converged on the city center, ignoring COVID-19 restrictions, to protest against a government bill going through parliament that would give police new powers to restrict street protests. REUTERS/Peter Cziborra