Massage Parlor Rubs Cops The Wrong Way

An Austin, Texas business is facing stiff fines after failing to clean their pipes.

The property manager for Jade Massage Therapy LLC contacted investigators Feb. 7 to report suspected prostitution at the business.

The property manager “became aware of a problem when an industrial waste disposal unit connecting the property to city sewer services became clogged and destroyed by hundreds of condoms,” arrest affidavits state.

Police launched an investigation that found the business was being advertised on a website that often solicits prostitution services and officers conducted a weekslong stakeout that involved pulling over two customers who left the massage parlor.

Police work is a dirty job, but we will do whatever it takes to make sure someone goes to the pokey.

Members of the Austin Police Department Human Trafficking Unit and members of the Criminal Conspiracy Unit executed a search warrant at the business March 22 and found Juan Wang, who owns the business with her husband, Joseph Emery, in a room with a nude man.

Wait a minute; one of the owners is named Juan Wang? Oh, that’s rich!

True Detective Stories

so-youve-ruined-your-lifeDay work started Saturday, and is the case with most weekends, we were excruciatingly busy. Sure, we had the mundane, everyday jobs – robberies, stolen guns, etc. – but a retail theft came in which made us all giggle.

A man allegedly walked into the Acme supermarket and was seen placing items into his backpack. The guy strolled past the registers and out the door, where he was stopped by store security. Police were called and after speaking to the witnesses, the shoplifter was arrested. In their report, the officers listed the items taken:

“Multiple bottles of baby formula… and two boxes of condoms.”

Hey brah, isn’t that closing the stable door after the horse has bolted?

Put Another Shrimp Sausage On Barbie

Genevieve LacazeWay back in 2006, I started a feature entitled “Your Olympic Babe O’ The Day.”

I continued that tradition ever since, and during my research, I learned the Olympic Games are basically an orgy with sporting events sprinkled throughout.

With the 2016 Summer Games being held in Brazil – Ground Zero for the Zika virus – many countries are doing what they can to protect their athletes.

Australian athletes at the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro will be supplied with condoms which manufacturers say will offer “near complete” antiviral protection against the Zika virus.

Starpharma said in a statement its lubricant showed near-complete antiviral protection against Zika in laboratory studies.

Other countries are taking precautions ahead of the games including the United States, which sends the biggest delegation to the Olympics.

Hear that Putin? The United States has the biggest delegation, and your gymnasts will thank us for it a few months from now.